I did it again...

 You know I enjoy walking.  I know better than to go out in the heat of the day and try walking.  And you also know how difficult it is to walk - or rather, finding the opportunity and time to walk in this household. My life is not my own, my time is not my own.  Right?  Well, I was skimming my emails this morning and had one from the Indianapolis 500 Festival.  Remember a few years back (before Covid) when I signed up, and got my youngest son to sign up with me, and we did the 13.1 miles in one day.  Yes, that is a special memory for me.  I knew he didn't want to do it - but he stepped out of his comfort zone (and his want zone) to do it with me, and I am grateful.  You may remember as well a time that I also signed up to walk 500 miles over the summer months (and did it!) and hubby signed up for the 250 miles (and did it).  Well, you also know how I am wanting to get more active (hence the working out this past year) and drop some of this weight (using all kinds of methods) and we all know that walking does help build the bones in the legs, i.e., strength, and walking does cause weight to drop and inches to fall - right?  Ok - long story short.  I signed up for the 500 miles of walking again this summer.  June 12th through October 31st this year.  I did not sign hubby up.  I think that would be waste of money, although it did say that it would count 30 minutes of exercise as one mile of walking.  Decided to save my money on that one.  But I did sign myself up and I am hoping to push myself to do some serious walking, even if I have to go to the gym and get on the treadmill for 30 minutes a day (which is always good).  I need to push myself.  It's not the t-shirts and hat and medal I will get for signing up.  It's the pushing myself to achieve this goal.  It's not dropping weight or inches.  It's about getting stronger to where, as I continue to age (there is no stopping it, it just keeps happening), I will be strong enough physically to take care of myself the rest of my life.  I can only pray my mental state will improve as well.  I no longer have my treadmill in my house (gave it away) so I do have to get out and either walk outside or go to the gym.  I also have my trampoline which I can 'walk' on (and yes, it counts).  It will be a win-win - right?

Yesterday was busy at work, but not overly so.  But, still, enough that I did not get any contracts completed.  Just couldn't get focused for any length of time on it with scheduling meetings and doing other work related things.  Luckily I'm not on a deadline to get the remaining 45 contracts completed.  I still hope to get a few done today as I'm also hoping it will be a light day.  I can always hope.  Still, next week will be a light week - 2 of my bosses are out on M-T, and all four are out W-T-F - or is it T-F?  Anyway - the last three days of the week should be light.  I may actually get caught up on some things.  My favorite boss is going on a 10-day cruise - so happy for her.  Don't know what the others are doing. They don't share personal information, which is why I can easily say 'we aren't close' and how they frustrate me because they don't give me information.  Especially since I don't even find they are taking days off work until I see their calendars blocked (which annoys me).  Can't they even send me an email and say, "hey, I'm taking the week of xxxx off and just wanted you to be aware."  Instead, I skim future calendar dates and see they are taking off and end up having to reschedule meetings that are on those dates.  My male boss is messing himself up - out of the remaining 4 board meetings for Colorado this year.... he is on PTO for 3 of them.  NOT.MY.PROBLEM.  He will have to schedule himself where he can attend these meetings (after all, he is the president of the board) and also all the prep meetings and create the slides and agenda.  NOT.MY.JOB.  Don't mean to sound mean about it.... but he irritates me at times - you know that though, don't you?  He's a 'good guy', but spreading himself way too thin.

Hubby just came in to tell me bye as he heads out for his Bible study.  He advised that he will go to the gym tomorrow (rather than after the study today) and do a workout while I'm at Needles of Hope.  Yep, it's my 'monthly fun thing' to do.  He also added that 'if there is something you want to do tonight....' like I ever have any plans.  Sigh.  Maybe I'll suggest going out for a nice dinner.  Or not. I'm not really a 'go to the show' type of person, but maybe I'll see what's showing and see if there is something I'd like to see.  Doubtful.  You know me; I'm content to sit and read, or work on a craft, or bake.... unless I have an opportunity to be with family.  Which reminds me, I have a combo box to pick up today.  Need to check my calendar and see when I can get away to pick it up.  Some fresh fruit sure sounds good.  I may pick up extra strawberries and freeze some again. I use them in my shakes.  I'm nearly out of the last bag I froze earlier in the year.

I know I do need to put in an order at the grocery store...... we are out of k-cups for coffee!  I've been lazy this week and haven't ordered any to be delivered; thought I could just run out and pick some up - but have not.  Actually, we do have ground coffee which we can use this weekend - and may - and I can make a run to Sam's Club on Sunday.  Or not.  Maybe I should give up coffee (and shrivel up and die?) for awhile.  I'm down to just one cup a day anymore, unless we go out for breakfast.  Never got hooked on Starbucks.  In fact, I still have an email with a $10 giftcard for Starbucks that I received from a programmer for Christmas last year.  I suppose I need to use it for my green tea I get there.  I had received a $25 gift card from another vendor in December.... gave it to my bestie who I know loves coffee.  Yeah, I give away my Starbuck gift cards as a rule.  If I go at all, it is for a venti shaken green tea unsweetened over ice.  

My book reading this morning gave me pause.  Perhaps it will you as well.  Going to give you a couple questions - and yes, I did take the time to write down a few things as I paused and thought about them.  What would you write if you had these questions.....

What are some phrases you would like for others to say about you at your funeral?

What would honor you to have put on your tombstone?

What, if any, gifts that God has given you that you have not used for Him?

What is your passion, that 'one thing' you want your life to be about?

Enough questions?  I did think about the first two.  Reminds me of 'The Dash' - you know, the time in between your birth date and your death date.  How did you live that time.....

As I thought about some of these questions, my heart was filled with great sadness, for I know there is so much more that I've wanted to do with my life, but have been unable to do so.  And yet, there is a lot more that I have accomplished that I would have thought possible years ago.  There is so much more that I feel I can do for God, but I feel also that I am 'held back'.  Some of you will understand that statement.  Sometimes I need to speak up; sometimes I need to just do it; sometimes I just need to let God take care of it.  He knows my heart and my desires.  More than anything else, I want His will for my life to be my will as well.  

What would I like for others to say about me?  She was a woman after God's own heart.

What would you want?  Something to think about.

Blessings!

All I want to do this morning is sleep!

 I thought I got rested over the weekend - what is causing this drowsiness this morning?  I am guessing it is because yesterday was so busy I didn't even take breaks to speak of.  Sometimes, when hubby isn't home, (as you know), I can go sit outside for a few minutes (and I do mean just a few minutes) or make a cup of tea ... but yesterday I had something going on all day.  I even got ten (yes, 10!) contracts terminated and sent off yesterday.  Then I had my gym training and she put me through some real training - lunges - and I've discovered that I have difficulty keeping my balance without holding on to something - and all I could hold on to was the two barbells in my hands - and one foot was on a higher object.  I am feeling it somewhat this morning and I am sure that by a couple more hours of movement, the muscles will start coming alive.  But, I am tired this morning and although I've gotten most of my reading done, I just feel so worn out I just want to close my eyes and sleep.  But, alas, I cannot do that - in another 30 minutes I must be on the computer working.  Oh well.  I still have 45 contracts to terminate in the system.  Yes, I counted.  And I broke them up to do ten a day.  Legal may - or may not - appreciate that.  I can input the information to terminate in the system, but they are the ones who have to create the letters and send to the providers they are terminated for this specific contract.

Oh.  I did stick to it and completed the remaining trainings I had to complete by the end of June.  YAY!  Those things are required and if you don't complete them, it can result in reprimands, and you still need to complete them plus it affects any raise you hope to get.  SO, yes, of course I want to get mine completed as soon as possible. I was ready to do the 'happy dance' that I was finished with them.  There were a total of 16 we had to complete - and several had up to 10 different 'lessons' in them and of course each one would have a quiz.  Well, that is not exactly right - I think two of all the sessions we could just select 'acknowledge we had read, agreed, and understood' what was stated in the many pages before it - not knowing we wouldn't get a quiz at the end - which we can only miss two.  Yes, I ended up taking a few of them two or maybe three times, just so I could pass!  

Psalm 56:4 (NKJV):  In God (I will praise His word, In God I have put my trust; I will not fear.  What can flesh do to me?

David wrote Psalm 56 as he ran away from King Saul, who was trying to kill him.  Of course there is more to the psalm than just his verse - but what does this verse tell us?  David is known as a 'man after God's own heart' - I think even God said it, but I'd have to look it up where He said it.  David sought after God, and trusted in God's ways.  Nothing bothers us about happening to our flesh when we know Whose we are.  If you belong to Jesus, whatever comes against you is nothing compared to the joy you will have in being with Him.

Love it when I read of God answering prayers, don't you?  People find work (or work finds them), people get released from the hospital, or get completely healed, and the lost find their way back 'home'. Sometimes we don't always get what we ask for - sometimes what we have asked for seems like a long time coming..... but God's delays are not always a 'no'.  He is just saying 'wait' - for His own reasons.  Maybe something is going to happen that needs our attention.  He may 'pause' the answer while we figure it out.  Other times, we get what we ask for.  Or something happens that is NOT what we ask for.  But in it all, God is well aware of every situation and is in every situation.  Nothing escapes His notice, not even the fact that I wanted to sleep in this morning!  

It's my loss that I am not running out of time to write (and can't think of anything to write about).  If I had read more (and kept my eyes open), I probably would have interesting things to share.  I do remember that what I did read was interesting, but I put my bookmarker in my book so that I can re-read it because it just wasn't going to soak in today.  So, perhaps tomorrow I will get some good thoughts - but for now - going to close this off and get ready for work.  Hopefully the day won't be as crazy busy as yesterday.  

Have an amazing day - and for today, bless someone with a kind word, a good deed.  Give, and you will receive.

Blessings!

What happened to feeling rested?

 I'm pretty tired again this morning.  Sigh. But I do agree that having a three day weekend helped with the blood pressure, if only for a day.  No stress, no pressures, yeah, no wonder hubby's blood pressure is always low. 

As for the cancelled contract... I sent a note to my boss with my notification and a comment "and now what?".  He responded that he's still waiting for IT to approve.  Now mind you, I was told that was the wrong place to send it, before I completed the original contract.  I mean, I had sent to IT as instructed, but was told 'wrong place'.  So I had to pull it to another contract, get the information, etc..... and that was the one which was cancelled as a duplicate.  So I came back to him with a 'what do we do now to get this completed?' and he responded; still waiting on IT to approve.  So again, I asked him, "what am I do to in the meantime with this contract?'  FINALLY, got his response of 'there is nothing to do until we get this approval.'  So can anyone tell me why I HAD to get this other contract pulled together and submitted so that it could be cancelled?  I also got a letter from our attorney explaining why it was canceled (it's an amendment, not a new contract and I put it in as a new contract (which is what I was told) and .. blah blah blah)... so I don't plan to revisit this contract until the company figures out what it is doing.  Even my boss made the comment he thinks the entire process on getting contracts approved is jumbled up and needs revamped.  Seriously?  It's driving me crazy.  

In the meantime, I have about 40 contracts I need to submit terminations for. I guess some of these are over ten years old and are actually non-existent anymore... they've been replaced.  So I get the fun job of bringing up each one and terminating the contracts in the system (which means I have to bring up two copies, so that I can transfer information from one to the other on the termination contract.  I managed to get six of them done yesterday - then had to send to legal with the names and the new CREQ number so that they could spend a special letter to them stating that we are not terminating all contracts, only this one that is outdated.  Whatever.  I have about 40 more to do - which I will piecemeal in ... I still have minutes to type from the meeting last week.  sigh.  It definitely keeps me busy.  

At least I can look forward to next week.  It will definitely be a catch up and relaxing week, I'm hoping.  One of the doctors I am supporting for my friend, is going on vacation all week.  My favorite boss leaves on her cruise Wednesday (for 10 days), another person I support is out W-T-F; my male boss is out W-T-F, and one other person I support is out W-T-F.  So for three days, I will have no one to support!!  I can actually relax and get some things done!  But that's next week.  I'm sure they will leave me with plenty to do.  I've debated on taking some time off work as well, but for what reason?  To sit at home?  Naw, I'll save my days.

Our holidays off this year are totally different - they are having only skeleton crews work the week of Christmas so that nearly everyone can take the entire week off (of course using their vacation time).  New Years week we are again on a skeleton crew December 30 and 31 and January 1.  So - if I take off all that time - I'll be using up 8 vacation days.  I have over 100 hours now, and that would take 64 hours... and I gain about 8 hours a month, I think.... I should be ok - even with taking 3 days for Jailbreak and 3-4 days for our anniversary.  I try to save my days for those times when I want to do something special.  Like when my boss and I do the Christmas house in December.  She buys the ticket (which isn't cheap!) for me and it is part of my Christmas.  I'm good with that.  Which makes me think - I need to look it up and see when it is and put in the day off and let her know as well.  We've been doing this for about 5 years now, I think.  

I read some interesting things in my book this morning, but want to re-read it before I share it.  I'm really enjoying this book and am glad I'm reading it in here and not when I'm on the couch.  There I'm reading 'Taking the High Road' or something like that, by ... and his name just escaped me.  More ont hat one later, perhaps.  I think I have two more chapters left to read in it.

Luke 2:19 (NKJV):  But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.

I know, I know, our thoughts immediately go to the 'Christmas story' or to when Jesus went to the synagogue and spoke with the leaders there with great wisdom.  But, have you ever heard your child(ren) say something that caused you to 'keep that and ponder it in your heart'?  I have.  I can remember very few things, actually, because I have just let the thoughts go over the years, but may have written them down in my journals too, who knows?   But sometimes, when our children are young, or perhaps it is even not a child but another relative, or a friend, that says or does something so unique and outstanding, that it gives you pause.  We pause, we think about what was said or done, and we hide our thoughts in our mind (or hearts) because we want to remember them and review it once again.  They did something special.  They accomplished a great task.  

Perhaps you saw the birth of your child and for days afterwards, you would lay in bed and review that scene.  Perhaps it was the moment you held that small child or grandchild in your arms.  The events surrounding the entire scene.  The special Christmas when you received a gift you really wanted, but never expected to get.  The time you proposed, or were proposed to, and the scene comes back in to your mind (and heart).  

There are many thigs that you have 'kept' and 'pondered' them in your heart.  Some are good memories, some are painful.  Even the painful are memories that helped create who you are today.  And it still hurts just as bad today as it did as the time when you went through it.  Some memories you won't share - ever - some you may have mentioned a time or two but prefer not to.  After all, who wants to ruin good memories for others?  But we all have good memories, I'm sure.  So let's make a pact right now.

Let's take some time to ponder in our hearts a good memory this morning.  One that makes you smile. Hold on to that memory.  Write it down so that others will know what brought you joy.  Does your grandchild know what a joy they are to you? Do your children?  I know, I'm just as guilty. I need to write my own letters.  Some day.  In the meantime, I will ponder those memories.

Blessings!

Facing that cancelled contract today...

 That thought just popped in my head as I was thinking about what to write in here today.  I wonder if my boss has seen it and sent me an email about it yet. I didn't look  I have all those terminated contracts I need to actually go into the system and terminate as well.  I haven't completed the minutes from the meeting last week I attended with the doctors.  Yeah, I think I have some work already lined up for me today.  I'm trying to have a good attitude about it.  Hubby is going to meet a friend for coffee in about an hour.  

Yesterday was practically a 'do nothing' day, I think.  We did go out for a half mile walk, with hubby using his new walking stick.  I had to keep reminding him to stand up straight as he tends to lean over when he walks - and he believes me now that his trainer has told him to stand up straight as well.  After our short walk, I wanted to get the potting soil added to a couple pots and plant some seeds.  Workers were at our neighbor's house and making noise as they put in the flooring.  The new neighbors arrived to check things out - and ended up coming over for about 30-45 minutes and sitting and chatting with us.   They will be a fun couple, I think.  At least they are active and not using walkers.  I should have visited Ms. Diane or Ms. Vicky, but I did not.  Lazy me.

I did work on this art project that my big brother had sent me.  I got the beads all put in little containers and then worked on it for a short while.  Hubby was watching Iwo Jima with John Wayne.  After a while I gave up and sat down to watch it too (I do like the John Wayne movies, and he has gotten to where he is watching a lot of them lately).  We also watched The Quiet Man.  With the action movies nowadays, you can see easily how no one really got hurt when they did punches back then.  LOL  I did cook dinner last night and that made hubby happy, cause I didn't cook breakfast and we ended up at Jack in the Box for lunch (totally 'off diet').  We did go see a great-granddaughter for a few minutes; she had fallen the day before and broken her arm.  She wouldn't get out of her daddy's arms, but she did talk with us.

Reading in my book for a short few minutes this morning I still picked up a few things.  One being that sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, so busy doing things half-way because we can't get time to finish them (sounds a lot like me, doesn't it? Does it sound like you too?).  Of course my life isn't near as crazy as a young mother's who has children to take care of, car pools to run, grocery shopping to do, laundry to handle, ironing to do.... hubby refuses to let me do laundry, I don't iron anything anymore, I do the grocery shopping but it usually isn't much for the two of us, and we have no children to run after.  My life evolves around hubby (which he likes) and work.  But even with that, I need to sometimes take time out for me - which I do, as you know.

Sometimes it is just putting a pot of water on to have a cup of tea.  Yes, if hubby is home, I still come back here to my room and continue working, but when he isn't home, and I take a break, I can sit down and just enjoy the tea.  Sometimes we just need to step back and reflect .... not do anything, but just be quiet.  We tend to keep so busy, because there is always something to be completed, right?  Toys need to be picked up, meals to be prepared, work to be completed, and so much more.  But when do you take time out for you?  Just to sit back and be still.  Drink that glass of water without gulping it down.  Sip that glass of tea (or cup of tea) that you just need to get that caffeine fix.  Ok, - some will grab the coffee for that.  But when do you take time out for just you?  Even just five minutes?

I know I don't do it often enough.  Work, moreso lately, overwhelms me and some days I just want to go hide. Hubby doesn't get the stress I go through.  He gets mad at my boss when I complain about him... and yet, he thinks that's enough.  Does he realize how much he stresses me out?  He will come ask if it's ok he turns on the TV and watches something.  I just look at him and 'I don't care; I have to work'... he lives his own carefree life...and yes, sometimes I am resentful; sometimes I am jealous.  I'm grateful for my job, don't get me wrong.  It is probably the only that that has helped me keep any sort of sanity.

Romans 12:15 (NKJV):  Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

Yesterday was memorial day, a day in which we remember and honor those in military service died; those who served our country.  What an honor it is to pause and reflect on their sacrifice of lives, of time, of family, to serve this country.  I was proud of my son and grandson as I read how they put flags on the veterans graves at a cemetery yesterday.  At least they did something.  I was remembering those in my family who have served, I have cousins who served in the Marines, brothers in the Navy and the Army, husband(s) in Army and Air Force, and of course my youngest son, who served in the Army.  I had uncles who served in the different branches of the military as well.  Praise God, my uncles all came back.  Seems like I had an aunt as well that served.  Guess I need to review my family history as well.  I do know I had relatives that served in the American Revolution.   

We rejoiced when loved ones came home, and we wept when others did not.  My heart always goes out to a dear friend who lost her son, a Marine, several years ago now.  Praise God he had become a Christian while there and was baptized, so she knows where he is.  He is with Jesus.  I taught this young man in Sunday School.  I went to his funeral and my heart was broken for this young life taken so soon. I think he was just 21.  So Memorial Day is always bittersweet for my friend.  I can't imagine losing one of my children, let alone in a war and not being able to be there with them.

My thoughts are going all over the place this morning so I'm going to hush and get off here.  Need to get the work computer turned on and get dressed and ready to start the day.  It's a 4 day work week and many times those 4 days seems like ten in a row.  

The Lord is merciful and good.  He always goes before us.  Blessed is the name of the Lord.

Blessings!

I am loving this 3 day weekend....

 Although it already seems like I have wasted some of it.  But, since I work, I deserve to get to be lazy one in awhile, right?  I always seem to regret wasting time.  Probably because I have so little of it to do what I want to do.  How did I waste it?  

Well, yesterday we went to church, (not a waste), and then lunch with friends and over to see the facility they want me to cover for them in a couple weeks (not a waste), and then we came home and hubby turned on the TV to ION.  Yep.  We wasted the rest of the day.  Watching NCIS.  Sorry, not sorry, I love Mark Harmon.  Hubby did ask if I wanted to watch a movie, and I snarkily replied "we're wasting time watching NCIS, or if we watch a movie, we're still wasting time; I don't care what you watch."  (after all, it's HIS fault the TV is on, right?  He turned it on with the pretense of seeing if the Indianapolis 500 had started yet.  Then turned it to ION.  (in case you are wondering, he wasn't going to watch the race, we had heard that because of severe thunderstorms, 125,000 were asked to leave the stadiums for cover.  The race started about 4 hours later, after the storms had passed and they dried out the track).  I sat and crochet'd most of the rest of the day, but we did - we watched NCIS from about 4PM until about 10PM.  I didn't even fix dinner, to hubby's dismay.  I wasn't really hungry.... he did go and fix a very small plate of rotisserie chicken to nibble on.  I tell you, he will starve if he lived alone!  I just didn't feel like cooking. 

With staying up until 10PM, I really didn't expect to sleep THIS late this morning.  How late is THIS late?  I didn't wake up until 6AM!!  Yes, I got 8 hours of sleep last night!  And it was deep sleep, only waking up one time.  I am very surprised, to say the least.  Hubby slept that late as well.  I think my body was just tired, even though we didn't do much yesterday but watch TV.  So glad for this 3 day weekend and I don't have to turn on the work computer.   I may need to jump on this morning for about 5 minutes though....  I did approve all the timecards on Friday so I wouldn't have to get online today, but I just want to make sure that I DID approve all the timecards.  Everyone is salaried so they would get paid anyway, but I just want to confirm I did get them all approved.  I have until 2PM, but I'll check it out anyway in a little bit.

What's on the agenda for today?  Hubby wanted to try and take a short walk this morning, but I would say it will depend on when I get out of this room (which should be in about 30 minutes or less).  Then I will probably have to fix something for breakfast....  I have the potting soil I know he is going to annoy me with wanting to help.  I really do like doing things on my own, but he 'wants us to do it together'... I know, it helps him feel valued.  Sigh.  He won't do it if I tell him to do it - and I don't help.  But if I start to do it, he is right there in my way, interrupting my thoughts.  Does that make me a bad person for getting annoyed my space is being interrupted?  How often do I get time alone (and not be out shopping just to get space?).

I was reading in my book this morning about how we need to celebrate each other.  We need to take time to plan something special with people in our lives.  It mostly referred to friends that you don't see often, how we need to plan their visit and look for ways to make them memorable.  Or even with our siblings or children.  I can remember when I used to go to my sister's house (alone) that she would have a tray fixed up for me, have snickers on it, perhaps a book, some flowers, a note, and I forget what else.  Little things to welcome me to her house.  I always looked forward to receiving them, and bought a tray to do the same thing here for when we have company - which is extremely rare anymore.  And I feel sad about that, but .. well, I'll leave it at that.  I remember one time we had a male friend stay overnight and I fixed a small tray for him with a devotional book, a note, some candy.... and he wrote the sweetest thank-you note, which we found after he left.   

Sometimes our celebratory times with friends have to be over a meal versus them staying with us.  As I read this chapter, I thought about my 'old' friend here in town.  I've known her since 1968.  We meet up every couple of months for a salad, and I generally bring her a book or some little something.  She is always appreciative, and I try to make her feel valued in my life.  This was even before her husband died nearly two years ago.  I would love to include her more in my life, but I also know my time is not always my own...and I'll leave it at that.  We're about due for another lunch; I need to send her a text and get it on the calendar.

Hebrews 13:12 (NKJV):  Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing so some have unwittingly entertained angels.

When was the last time you entertained a stranger?  Honestly, I can't remember the last time for us (or me) either.  I know we have let people stay with us who were friends of others, and we knew of them, and may have even met them, but didn't know them.  Hubby still holds a grudge against one... LOL... when one male finished eating, he got up and left his dishes on the table.  The other male picked up his dishes and put in the sink.  To this very day, whenever they are mentioned, hubby will bring up that his man was lazy and didn't put his dishes in the sink, but left them for us to pick up after him.  We have somewhat become very 'private' now in sharing our home.  Oh, we have invited people over for a meal, don't get me wrong, but getting to do that is also like pulling teeth at times.  I really do love to entertain and want to do more of it, but ....  

This scripture does refer to entertaining someone you have never met, you think   I honestly don't know if I could do that.  Not that we have anything of any value.  Hubby is always worried something will get stolen or broken, by anyone, I think... but I am learning that these things we have are just things and not to be clenched in our hands.  I love to give things away.  And I'm going to stop there.

In fact, I think I need to get up from this chair and get dressed and see if hubby wants to take that walk.  Sigh.  Lord, please give me patience.  Did I actually just pray that?  When we pray for patience, usually many things come up that cause us to have to deal with issues - to learn patience!  Yikes!  I do need to get up and moving before I lose this entire day.  I want to get more soil in the plants, plant some seeds, and try to get some things done.  My list keeps growing, and I 'm not doing anything to get them done.  Something is going on at our neighbors' this morning - I hear pounding and stuff going on.  They think it will be another month before it is ready for them to move in.  They had walls torn down, and totally remodeled the inside, new paint on the walls, and even had the entire kitchen torn out and put in another location, and even the washer and dryer were moved clear across the house!  We haven't seen the inside (other than the very beginning) but it is going to be amazing.  They still have cabinets to put up too - wherever they decided to put the kitchen.  I hope we will be good friends, but .... respect each other's privacy too.  Does that make sense?   And with that, I'm going to shut up and get up.  

Hope you have an amazing day!

Blessings!

I got a start... and that's something, right?

 I did cook breakfast again yesterday.  Hubby was pleased.  It was enough I didn't have to cook again until dinner.  After breakfast, hubby wanted to come with me to Wal-Mart (instead of Home Depot) if I wasn't going to do some shopping.  If I was going to 'browse', he wasn't going.  I should have told him I was going to browse, right?  Anyway, that wasn't my plan.  I knew what I wanted to get.  So he went with me and I picked up 5 more bags of potting soil and a couple hummingbird feeders since I cannot find where I put the ones I bought last year.  (I hung one right outside this window so that while I'm working, I can look out and see it.)  I found throw pillows for the patio on sale for $5 each so bought 4 to put on the two benches in our porch area to brighten it up (I finally scrubbed the benches last week and got the dust off). I told hubby the one bench needs painted..... but he didn't go look at paint (guess who has to go pick it out?) so it isn't getting done this weekend.  When we got home, he helped unload the car .... sigh.... and then insisted we NOT work on it as it was getting warm.  I would have rather just pushed through and got it done.... but told him we could wait until Monday, since I was off work.  Sigh.  At least we got the potting soil, right?  Hubby loved it that I was with him all day yesterday and that he was able to 'help' me get the potting soil and carry it to the front courtyard from the car for me and I didn't do it myself.  Inside I know that I am more than capable of carrying the bags in... but he wanted to be a help.  Sigh.  He had me to himself all day.  And this is why I work............. right?

Our pastor friends want to meet us after church today to go over to the independent living facility where he speaks on Sunday afternoons.  I think I had shared that I will be covering for him on June 9th there since he will be speaking at his former church.  It really is surprising he is letting me... he wouldn't let me speak from his former church pulpit the last year we were up there because a man in the congregation mentioned he didn't think women should preach.  A whole nother story, for sure.... but this friend will have to answer to God for that.  He didn't tell me, but he told hubby, and of course I got told.  When I had asked him about it, he refused to answer me.  Anyway, this afternoon will be taken up with that.  

John 3:16-17 (NKJV):  For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

The above scripture pretty much says it all, doesn't it?  God sent His one and only Son, Jesus, to the world to show us the way to live.  With love, compassion, kindness, with all things good.  Jesus showed us the way to live, and in reality, although some may think the world back then wasn't as bad as it is now, it probably was.  It just isn't publicized like it is now. It was word of mouth back in Jesus' time, or written in scrolls.  

But Jesus came to show us the way, and to give us salvation through Him.  He bore the shame of the cross, the beatings, the pain, the scourging.... and he did it willingly for you and for me.  I can't imagine anyone giving their life for me.... but Jesus did.  And He did it for you, as well.  He didn't come to this world to shame us, to tell us what all we are doing wrong.... and how disappointed our Heavenly Father is in us..... He came to offer his life, take on our sins, nail them to the cross in His body, and give us forgiveness that covers every sin ever committed - when we turn to Him and give it to Him.  Hallelujah.  Sometimes I don't know how God could possibly forgive someone like me, and yet, He assures me He has, He doesn't condemn me, He forgives me.  And He doesn't condemn you either; He forgives you, when you seek His face.  We are saved by grace, given mercy we don't deserve. Grateful.

I don't know how long our friends will keep us today; we're meeting for lunch then going over the facility - he speaks there at 2PM so I'm wondering if his plan is for us to attend as well.  That means it will be after 3PM before we are back home.  If I know hubby, he will want to change clothes and get comfortable in his chair and watch TV.  

Yesterday, after doing all that strenuous shopping at Wal-Mart and picking up potting soil, pillows, and hummingbird feeders, and unloading the car, I read a couple chapters in a book (while hubby played with his phone), and then we both took a nap - for an hour and a half!!  I can't remember when I have taken a nap that long - and it was a deep sleep nap to where I couldn't sleep much last night.  I guess my body needed it, huh!   We watched the Lee Greenwood special on Newsmax of 'God Bless the USA' which was good - then I had to figure out dinner.  Rotisserie chicken from Safeway makes great chicken tacos, right?

I can't think of anything to write about... guess that is what happens when one doesn't do much.  So for this morning, I guess it is a light read.  Hope that you stay safe this weekend.

Blessings!

Sometimes you just don't know what to feel....

 I struggled all day yesterday to get the information I needed to complete that one contract I have been dealing with all week.  You know the one where I was piece-mealing information from my boss.  Although he was off yesterday, he finally responded to my (many) message that I needed specific information. He gave it.  Grateful, I finally finished the contract and hit send about 3:45PM.  I sent a note to the work attorney who had been working on it - only the email came back undelivered.  What?  I gasped!  Then my male boss sends me an email that the attorney left our company last week (and he couldn't tell me before hand?) and to send to another one.  I sent the information to the other attorney to review the contract and shut down the computer.  I glanced at my phone a little later and saw I had a message in my work emails from the service hub (which responds to most requests).  I made the mistake of opening it.  They had CANCELLED the contract I had just inputted!!  They 'think' it is a duplicate (which it is not).  Which means I will need to input the entire contract once again.  I just threw up my hands. And decided I was not going to do it until Tuesday.  Let my boss deal with it. (He won't)  I was going to enjoy my weekend.  Right?  And I did, until about 2AM when I woke up thinking about that stupid contract and how frustrating it is to have to do it again which it is a critical contract and should have been completed two weeks ago!!  But I'm not going to work on it.  I'm going to put it out of my mind.  Even if I inputted it again, they will reject it again until my boss confirms it is not a duplicate.  The struggles of my job.

Hubby drove me crazy last night.  He was like a schoolboy out of school.  Now I realize he doesn't get a lot of attention (cough cough) - or at least as much as he wants - but I had scheduled a manicure and pedicure for both of us for last night at our 'old' place, as I mentioned yesterday.... and he was bouncing all over the place in his excitement.  He was annoying.  We stopped at DQ to grab a sandwich (off our meal plan - a big no no) and french fries (in my exasperation I ate them all!!) and we headed on over.  They were happy to see us, but were running a bit behind.  It was nearly 30 minutes later before they got started.  They close at 6PM and we were there until nearly 7PM.  But our toes and nails look great!  Got our brows done too.  Glad we don't do that often - spent a lot more than I meant to!  I told hubby from now on he could pay for his own stuff!!  By the time we got home, I was pretty weary from the week and then relaxed getting my feet massaged (plus the back massager on the chair!) so after a short time, we headed to bed - and although I was awake for a length of time during the night thinking about that stupid contract, I dozed until about 5:30AM this morning - totally out of character for me!  Hubby got up shortly after.  So yeah, that's my 'excuse' for being late and I'm sticking to it!  Not that any of you read this that early in the morning!

I replanted a couple big plants yesterday and could not believe the two plant from Christmas - you know the one with the bulb wrapped in was?  Amaryllis, I think it is, those roots had taken up nearly the entire pot I had it in!  When I pulled it up - it was difficult to pull out of that dirt - and in doing so I left a lot of roots - still can't believe how much it was - about a 12" area around the plant!  Moved both of those bulbs to one of the new pots I have.  And as big as the roots were, I am not sure if I care if they live or not - they are almost 4' tall now - I think.  Ok, at least 3'!  I need to go get more potting soil today and fill up the other pots - I want to plant some of the wildflower seeds I have, and my brother had sent me some sunflower seeds and I want to plant those as well.  Only not in the raised garden as I had those other two plants.  Yeah, the sunflower grew to 10' and 14' in Indiana - I'm just hoping they grow out here, but am starting them close to the ground.  

I am sure I will need to fix hubby breakfast this morning before I can do anything else - unless I can convince him to fix a shake and we go sit out front for awhile before it gets hot.  He's always good for that.  There is so much I'd love to get done this weekend and yet, I know I won't get much done at all.  But I do want to get soil for the plants so surely I can get that.  A three day weekend that I am truly grateful for.  

James 1:19 (NKJV):  So then, my beloved brethren (men and women), let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath;

You mean we really have to listen and not speak while we are hearing?  My goodness!  How many times have I started talking before the words are even out of the mouth of the other person - either that or my mind is already performing my response without even hearing the rest of the words?!  And you know that you do it as well.  I'm really guilty of it - especially when I'm angry - I don't want to listen to them - I want them to listen to ME!!  After all, don't they need my wisdom?  How dare they think they can tell me what to do - after all, I'm 74 years old, don't you think I KNOW what to do?  LOL Always my argument.  Yes, I often have to remind hubby how old I am and to give me some credit that I just might know what I'm talking about.  I am not his child, which is how he makes me feel most times.  Don't tell me what to do!  I will NOT do it - even it it is right - just because you told me to!  And you do it too, don't you!!  But yes, I do need to keep this big mouth of mine shut, and turn off the quick response in my mind, and listen to all that is said.  It could save us both a lot of words and a lot of grief, ya think?  I've really gotten better at it over the years.  This is where we are different.  If I keep my mouth shut and hold it in, eventually I'll just forget about it. But hubby doesn't.  He will bring it all back up again because he wants me to know his thoughts and opinions on it.  Sigh.  Quit stirring the pot, right?    Girl, keep your mouth shut!!  Let it go!!

I remember years and years ago, a cousin-in-law (once removed) that I wanted to be like her.  In my young and naive early married years, I met her.  She drove me crazy.  We only met twice, I think.  She was actually my first husband's cousin.  We were at a wedding in Michigan of another cousin.  A very rich cousin.  They had rented out the Alexandria Ballroom at the Dearborn Hotel in Dearborn, Michigan, I think it was.  Anyway, I remember the diamond ring on the bride was so big I could see it across the ballroom!  Interesting how that memory comes back to mind.  The cousin I am speaking of was a younger sibling of that cousin, I think.  Anyway - when you talked, she never said a word, even when you paused.  After several seconds of silence, she would respond to whatever you had said.  It drove me crazy.  But I did strive to be like that after I met her.  I wanted to learn how to be quiet and let others finish their conversations before I gave my response.  Sigh.  It didn't last long.  I should try to take it up again, right?  

Funny that that memory should come back to me.  That was a side of the family that my husband's family did not know well.  Why?  Because my father in law had been adopted by his grandparents as they had no children.  Interesting how people thought back then.  Don't have any children?  No worries, you can have one of ours.  Then the grandparents had a heir.  I imagine that side of the family never kept in contact with my father-in-law.  After that large wedding, I don't recall any contact whatsoever.  It didn't matter, I guess.  Two different levels of finances, two different levels of religion.  One had the money, one had God.  I think this side was better off with God.  Money is the root of all evil, right?  That's why I'm spending my children's inheritance.  LOL 

With that bit of history, I think I will hush.  Memories are starting to come back and I just want to keep them to myself. Good times had... good memories.

Have a great weekend.

Blessings!

Some times you just gotta go back....

 When we lived in our last house, we would frequent a nail place next to our former church. When it was there, that is.  This place did the best pedicures and manicures we have ever had, I think.  We moved way out here and it was just too far to continue on a regular basis, so it has been perhaps a couple years since we have gone back.  It's not a big place, and generally only two people are there.  But I am going to call them today and see if we can't get in either Saturday (highly unlikely), or Monday.  Yes, Monday is a holiday, but they, in the past, were still open.  At least they have been open on New Years Day before, because we have gone then!  I'm hoping we can get in for my toe nails have gotten so long and need cut and I have resisted - but they are going to start cutting through my socks if I don't cut them back soon!  Hubby was complaining last night about his as well, so will make the call.  I know you just needed to know all that, didn't you?

Yesterday was another busy day, somewhat frustrating as well, for the one boss - getting the needed information from him is still like pulling teeth.  He is taking today off so I hope he left me the information I needed to finish that contract before he got off last night.  If not, there is nothing I can do until Tuesday. He canceled two days of his PTO for next week, so I'm hoping he will give me information.  In fact, it was so busy, I heard the clock chime in the other room but I was busy working on something until all of a sudden the thought hit me - I had a 5:00PM trainer appointment - what time was it??  It was 4:15PM and I wasn't ready yet!  I needed to leave by 4:30PM.  So I stopped and got ready and was out the door on time and ready for another workout.  My new trainer is really working my muscles and I love that we are doing a lot of new things and not just the machines.  We did back last night and I noticed this morning that I am starting to gain shoulders!  LOL  I've got to get over to the gym at least once as I only go workout with the trainer one time next week.  Or if not at that gym, I can go to the rec center.  I AM going to get this fat off me and redistributed!!  I'm more focused now because my female trainer pushes me more than Trayden did.  Oh he still worked my body, but I now use other equipment rather than machines to do the work.

Got the two completed pots yesterday so now need to get potting soil to put in them and put seeds in.  I may try to use one for a few sunflowers - if they will even grow in a pot - and then I have several packages of wildflowers that I can also put in there.  I want to transplant a couple amaryllis (sp) plants I got the past two Christmases - you know the ones you can get ar Frys or Home Depot around Christmas time - they are a large bulb encased in wax and then a red flower blooms and you don't have to water it?  When they finished blooming, I planted them - and these plants are now about 3 ft tall!!  One even bloomed again!  But they are getting too big for this planter so am thinking of moving them over to another one.  That can be a weekend chore.

Ah - my weekend chores... I have already started a list of things I want to get done.  Want to place a bet on how many get done this weekend?  Hubby has already said something about finding a place to go or something to do Sunday and Monday.  He has all the free time in the world during the week... he doesn't get that I need the weekend to recover from the week!  I know he gets bored staying at home - but he is the one forcing me to keep working.  Not that we could go anywhere if I wasn't working, but we could at least go for early morning walks.  It's getting where I have to shut the door to my closet it is getting so full.  Hubby made a comment yesterday that I'm only wanting to lose weight so that I can buy a new wardrobe.  I just looked at him and said "No, I don't need a new wardrobe.  I need to get into the clothes that are hanging in my closet!"  (Some I've never worn - but don't tell him that!  I buy the same size, but they don't make all sizes the same!!)

Romans 12:10 (NKJV):  Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;

Hmmm we need to be 'kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love'.... so we are to be kind to everyone, even those we don't like?  LOL  Yeah, I'm thinking that is exactly what that means.  Affectionate, no, not always.  Some people you just don't want to hug!!  And I'm a hugger!  But we are to treat each other with kindness, just as we would want to be treated.  Why?  Because that is what Jesus would do.  Even the unlovely were loved by Jesus.

I can look back over my life and see God's hand all over it, but I also see where He let me 'do my own thing' - and boy, do I regret those things!  I wish I knew Him back in my 20's and 30's - instead of just having a head knowledge from when I grew up.  It's amazing how, even though my husband and I were both raised in a church (and at a church youth group was where we met!) - after we were married, we rarely went to church.  When we moved away from that city, we still didn't attend church. And I really don't have a reason as to why.  I was brought up to go to church every Sunday - but I sure fell away from it quick when I got married!  Head knowledge of God isn't near as meaningful as heart knowledge is.

So what do you have - head knowledge or heart knowledge?  There is a difference you know.  I've seen some of my grandchildren grow up being in church and accepting Christ as Lord and being baptized - just as I was - but after they left home, God didn't do what they thought He should do in the time frame they wanted Him to do it - so they turned their back on Him.  He grieves over that.  He can do so much more for them if they would just welcome Him back into their lives.  They had head knowledge, and even with accepting Him into their lives as a teenager and being baptized, they remained in 'head knowledge' and it was easy to turn away from Him.  My heart grieves for them as well, for I know that God is just wanting to bless them, if they would just choose Him as Lord, and not their own way.  Don't push God out of the picture.  We are to train our children to love Him completely.  It is our responsibility to teach them about Jesus.  And that is why our world is in such a mess.  

Many still claim to be 'Christians' and yet they do not follow Christ.  Their words, behavior, and actions definitely show who is Lord, and it isn't Jesus.  Just because your parents or grandparents were Christians doesn't mean you are.   Ah - this is a subject for another day, I think.  

Hubby is leaving for his Bible study this morning.  He's going to come back later morning (after meeting another friend for breakfast after the Bible study) and wants to pick up my things that need to go to the cleaners.... guess I need to rummage through my mess of a closet and pull out a few things that I need cleaned.  Some it says 'wash and wear', but for some reason, when they get washed in our washer and dryer, they tend to shrink and I can't afford for them to get smaller!  So if I send to the cleaners, they do their thing and they still fit.  (That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!  Plus, when hubby does the laundry (and refuses to let me do my own), he leaves in the dryer so then they come out wrinkled and I can't wear them anyway!  Guess I'll jump off here since I'm rambling now... again.... and pull the dresses out of the closet.  

Blessings!

It was an overwhelmingly tough day...

 There was a lot going on yesterday.  Work was over - overwhelming.  My mind was consumed with my personal thoughts and then throwing in a lot of work ... well, like I mentioned... it was overwhelming. I talked with my little sister yesterday and she asked me why I hadn't told her about our little brother when we talked earlier.  It really was quite simple.  He had told me on Sunday that he had called her first, and he didn't think it registered.  Obviously, it hadn't, for she claims she didn't know until she called him (after I did) on Tuesday.  Monday we also heard some disturbing news about something else, and I may share about it tomorrow, for right now we don't have answers.  

All these things were on my mind yesterday and throw in all the work I was given by a lot of different people.... but see how good God is to me?  Because He knew I was already overwhelmed by life uncertainties, He kept me busy so that I would not be sitting here thinking about the 'what if' part.... and I even got a very nice note from one of the admins which a copy of was sent to my boss - and then SHE commented on my work ethics and abilities.  Something I sometimes wonder about.  It's nice to be recognized; nice that God keeps my mind occupied so that I don't sit and waller.  Went to the gym after work and got a great workout in (my muscles are starting to groan already as they awaken), and then after fixing a quick dinner of chicken and asparagus (great new recipe for asparagus, they were yummy), then we went to church.  Which ended up not being a usual Wednesday evening prayer meeting!  Halfway through prayer - there was a wedding!!  After the wedding, there was a small reception, but since we did not know the couple, we left and came home.  After sitting for about 30 minutes I made my way to bed.  Not sure when hubby came, but shortly after, I think.

And here I am rambling already this morning.  What to write about that would be possibly of any interest.... my mind is blank this morning.    The pots that I had bought that needed to be put together.... my daughter kept them on Tuesday and called me laughing last night that they got two of them completed for me - and she was going to ban me from Amazon.  I explained that first of all, I ordered from Woot, and secondly, I didn't know they had to be put together!  I wouldn't have bought them had I known that!  I have two more that she said they would put together for me since they have already figured out how to hold the numerous slats to make them fit.  Once I get them back, our son in law said he would fix our sprinkler system in the courtyard and clip the 'spaghetti' tubes the water comes through to each pot so that they will be watered automatically.  I have some wildflower seeds I think I will plant in the pots my daughter brings back to me.  Lots of flowers for the bees and hummingbirds.  I still need to find where I put the two feeders I bought last year - with having an extra day (Memorial Day on Monday) off (yay - a 3 day weekend!!) perhaps I can get some things done.  Like finding my hummingbird feeders.  My closet is getting a desperate clean me out look so need to work in there as well.  It has always been the catch-all when I don't have place to put things.  

Song of Solomon 2:12 (NKJV):  The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come. And the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

Have you ever read the Song of Solomon?  Maybe you ought to take time and do that.  It is a love story between Solomon and the Shulamite woman, whom he loved.  And obviously, she loved him!  She talks about how she longs to be like the doves who find a crevice in the rock and she wishes to take him away with her to that crevice, so that they could be alone together.  Seriously, it is a fairly short book in the Bible, take some time to read it, it is a great love story.  Oh that we all could love like the Shulamite woman and her lover, King Solomon.

I have nothing to share this morning... could it be the exhaustion of this week and the things happening have truly overwhelmed my mind?  Or is it that I just have nothing to talk about this morning?  Alas, you win... I will end this off for today.  Perhaps tomorrow I will have something to share.  My thoughts are about everywhere but on what to write.  So until tomorrow, be a blessing to someone.

Blessings!

Things that give you pause....

 It seems at times that sickness is all around us.  From the maladies of flu, colds, asthma, allergies, to real or imagined illnesses, we have them.  If I sit and think long enough I may have a headache, I will probably get one.  If I sit and tell myself how exhausted I am, the more exhausted I become.  If I tell myself I have a disease of some sort, I may never get that disease, but I will imagine the symptoms in my mind so much that I believe that is what I have and I tell the doctors my symptoms, because I have looked it up and know that is what I am feeling.  Our minds massage our thoughts and can make us well, can make us sick, can make us angry, and can make us love.  Which do we choose on a daily basis?

Thinking about sickness somewhat because well, I'll just share a couple thoughts.  These thoughts are always in the back of my mind and my heart aches because there is nothing I can do - but pray.  And prayer should be our first resort, not our last one.  My siblings all have medical issues.  I don't know why, but by the grace of God, that I have escaped the things they suffer with.  My brothers suffer with heart issues and diabetes.  That alone takes from their lives.  My younger brother called me on Sunday with the news he had cancer.  I gasped when he first said the word.  I listened to what he had to say, but I was in a store so did not write anything down and ask many questions.  I was heart-broken and trying to understand what he was saying.  

Yesterday I called him and explained I had been in a store Sunday and I wanted to hear more.  With having a day in between, he had been in already to see his doctor.  He explained what was found - and I won't go into detail here as I have already shared with those that need to know.  I told him I wanted to have the right information as I would share with my children, who adore this uncle.  He is optimistic and doesn't seem to really care one way or another.  Because of finding the cancer in his lung, albeit small, he no longer is eligible to get his knee surgery.  And that makes him a bit angry, I think.  Of course the cancer hasn't stopped his smoking, his COPD is as bad as ever (they want to put him on full time oxygen but he refuses; only uses it at night).... and he thinks he is living life.  And he refuses to change anything in his life.  I pray, other than for his healing, but for his salvation.  Not as a last ditch effort to get in to heaven, but that he will fall in love with Jesus.  He still wants to smoke and drink?  I don't care.  Believe in Jesus. Accept Jesus as Lord.  Talk with Jesus, and tell Him what is going on in your mind, in your heart.  It isn't that hard.  

My younger sister has numerous medical issues.  Are they all real?  I don't know.  But sometimes I feel she is angry with me because I am (mostly) healthy.  I have my own medical issues, yes, but they are minor compared to others in my family.  By God's grace for me, He helps me choose better in food and drink, and yes, many times I still do what my wants are, but I always go back to healthier eating.  I drink diet coke occasionally (like with pizza most times!) but as a rule drink more water.  I try to eliminate a lot of sugar.  Ok so I have the occasional chocolate candy bar (Almond Joy, Snickers, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth... who can resist those?).  Sigh.  My daughter has a drawer full of chocolate candies in her refrigerator and I know where it is.  So I allow myself at least one chocolate bar when I go over on Tuesday evenings - if I choose to.  Then I beat myself up, but it is my choice to eat it. And it isn't the chocolate I go after so much anymore - it is the sugar.  Sugar is an addiction in itself.  You would be amazed how much weight one can lose and how much better they would feel if they would start limiting their sugar intake.  Ok - I've gotten off topic.

My reading today was about anger, and what is the root of it in our lives.  I grabbed my journal and began to write things I believe emerges when I get angry at someone, and what the root could possibly be.   And, my thoughts went to not only my own anger, but other people's anger directed at me, and at others.  Unforgiveness is an very ugly thing, and it will keep you out of heaven.  One reason why I continually tell myself "I forgive xxxxxxxxx" (no, don't count the x's to determine whose name should be there) and I still may get angry with them for their behavior, but I must forgive them.   I feel anger that my mother did not protect me from my stepfather.  I feel anger at my stepfather for stealing my childhood away from me, for I have blocked it out in most cases.  I remember very little.      

And I realize a lot that in my anger, I am also hurt.  Hurt that my childhood was stolen by those who should have been protecting me.  Hurt that one of my children were verbally attacked in public without remorse.  Hurt that I cannot have the relationship with my children and grandchildren that I have longed for all my life.  Hurt that I have to let go of things and not hold on to them.  Hurt that jealousy of others will attack and tear me down and call me names - some to my face, others in the safe distance in their homes.

I have gotten angry at God sometimes because He allowed my father to die when I was so young, because I often think my life would have been so much better.  My choices would have been different if I ...... well, we can not change the past, can we.  But I can choose to rise above my anger, my hurt; I can rise above what others have said about me - because I know that when I hold it in, I am like a teapot getting ready to blow off steam.  Running to God with my hurts, my tears, my anger.... oh yeah, I'm angry my siblings have medical issues.  Yet, I know our lives - each one of us - is in His hands and He gives us every opportunity to turn to Him.  Even in our weaknesses... He is strong on our behalf.

I think my mind is all over the place this morning.  Going from my little brother, to siblings, to chocolate, to anger, to hurt... am I a mess this morning?  I praise God He has helped me to remain healthy and I'm getting stronger as I continue to work out.    I want to be so full of Jesus that (as you have heard before) if a mosquito bites me, it goes off singing 'there is power in the blood'!  No matter what my future holds, Jesus holds my future.  

Ephesians 6:12 (NKJV):  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood.....against the rulers of the darkness of this age.... those words are true.  We don't fight against the things that come against us, we are fighting the devil who is after our souls.  The devil wants to take us away from Jesus.  The devil will throw diseases at us so that we will curse God and choose to follow the devil.  The devil will do all he can to knock us down, to take away those who we love, to remove from us the things that bring us joy, the devil will cause irritations and conflicts and anger and hatred.... because he is embodied in hatred.  Lucifer, who was created by God - made beautiful by God - became proud of himself for being so beautiful - and wanted to become greater than God, the One who had created him... and Lucifer was cast out of heaven.  

There is none greater than God.  God our Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit are the Three in One, the Trinity of our life.  I choose to follow the One who is the greatest of all.  He alone deserves all our praise, all our prayers, all our worship.  Tell God what is going on in your heart and mind this morning.  Spend a few minutes and talk with Him.  There is no one better to sit and listen; He has all the time in the world for you.

Blessings!

One of 'those' mornings...

 I am struggling to stay awake this morning.  I mean, really struggling, and when I have fallen asleep, I've had really stupid dreams that I don't even want to try to remember. (ever have those?)  

I am so grateful to my oldest son for picking up hubby and I yesterday to drive us to the graduation.  I really don't think I could have figured it out and I know hubby couldn't have.  Yet, my son knew exactly where he was going.  We have driven to this area one time, and it was about 4-5 years ago, I think.  Naw, we stay away from highly traffic areas (which is why we never go anywhere 'fun') if we have to drive.  But we made it in record time and was soon joined by the rest of the 'tribe' for the graduation.  The graduation went well.... parents are the worst nightmare of school principals, I imagine.  I remember the last graduation we went to and the same thing happened.  The principal asks (pleads?) with the parents to not make a lot of noise while the names are being call because then you can't hear the next person's name.  Well, true to form, many, many, many tribes for the graduates would scream and whistle and one even did a pop something or other.  I know they are happy (we are too), but show some respect, right?

I am a people watcher, as you know.  Obviously, my oldest son must be as well, for he made me chuckle.  As we watched the crowd around us, he mentioned my blog yesterday (thank you for not elaborating where you 'heard' me talk about pride) in a roundabout way.....commenting something about the way people were dressed (honestly, some looked like they could be hookers!!), but his comment was something like he wondered if they thought they were going to Wal-Mart.  Remember those Wal-Mart photos that appear occasionally?  I admit, I enjoy looking at them for they make me shake my head in disbelief that anyone would come out in public like that (or even be in their home like that!!) and let others see them.  But then, who dresses UP to go to Wal-Mart?  

It was so good seeing a granddaughter and 3 of the grandsons yesterday. Two we hadn't seen since Christmas.  All looked well and I was glad they were able to attend, as well as their parents.   After the graduation, my son brought us home.  Both of us headed to the restroom and came out, looked at each other, and said... "We're dressed up; (sorta) let's go out to eat!"  Sardella's pizza it was.... and we both blew our diets totally by eating 4 pieces each!  I was so thirsty (because I watched my water intake before so I would not have to find a restroom while there), and I ended up drinking three (3!) glasses of diet coke!  Another item I hadn't been drinking for a few months (cause I'm too cheap to pay $3.49 for it at an eatery and I don't buy soda for home).  I didn't care that it would keep me awake (caffeine), I was thirsty.  

It didn't keep me awake; we were in bed by 8:30PM as usual because I couldn't stay awake (the pizza stuffing me, perhaps?).  I awoke with the tops of both feet cramping about 11:30PM.  I knew I could walk in to the kitchen and throw a teaspoon of salt into my mouth and it would quickly go away, but I just didn't want to go in there.  I walked around a bit until it subsided enough that I could climb back in to bed and get in a spot where they wouldn't hurt. Then I awoke at 3AM... can't remember the reason, and I tossed and turned until a bit after 4AM before coming in here.  I tried to sleep, could not. Hubby brought my coffee. I did some of my reading.  I kept falling asleep - and having these crazy dreams that I don't want to try and remember.   I did my usual things here on the computer to work my way here.  And I'm still sleepy.  But I cannot take time to doze for I have over 40 messages and several are from my male boss about meetings.  Now mind you, he is taking vacation day Friday this week, and we are off Monday (YAY) for the holiday, and then he is taking next week off - until Friday.  Is he trying to bury me with work? If so, he is doing a good job of it.

Romans 12:15 (NKJV):  Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

We did a lot of rejoicing yesterday at the graduation.  Proud of our young grandson.  Yes, at 18 he is still young.  And he has no clue at the journey in life that is ahead of him.  Most 18 year olds don't - right?  I know I didn't really know anything but that I would work, get married, have babies, and .... what after that?  I probably hadn't thought that far.  'Back in my day...." women weren't encouraged to go to college or start careers (at least none that I heard of - now remember, I was 'protected' by my parents from the world so I really knew nothing about the world).   Women were to graduate high school, get married, have babies and be stay at home moms.  Men were to support their families and take care of them.  Isn't that the way life should be?  The one time I mentioned going to college (although the majority of my grades were B's and C's, I think, I was told I was too stupid (by my parents) to go to college.  So I never thought any more about it, after all, I was stupid, right?  My job was to find a job and work until I got married, have babies, and then be a stay at home mom.   Well, as you know from the years of reading, my life didn't end up that way.  And, I did go to college for a few years, taking one course a year (English) and building confidence in myself that I was smart enough to go to college.  I would ask God what class He wanted me to take.  That last time I asked Him, He didn't give me an answer, so I quit going, believing that my time of going to college was over.  But He built confidence in me.  I took a public speaking course; I learned how to speak in front of others, never knowing that I gained the confidence to speak in front of people as I do now.  I took all the English classes I could, and Mr. Cox, my favorite English teacher in college, would encourage me in every way to write and how to do it correctly.  I truly believe that the classes God had me take in college have benefited me in what I do now.  Grateful for a God who loves me that much and sees into my future, and knows what I will need.

I could share more things today as I have it on my mind.... but I will hold it for another day.  If I can remember to share.  My time is running short, since I dozed some in between my readings.  I really wish I didn't fall back to sleep for my reading is also cut short.  But, I have over 40 messages waiting on me and I had meant to get back online yesterday and did not.  I just didn't have it in me last night after we ate.  Being out in the fresh air perhaps.  

Make your day an amazing one - find someone to rejoice with.

Blessings!

What does 'Pride' have to do with life?

 Ah.... we all tend to have a bit of pride in us, don't you think?  Whether it is directed correctly or not, depends on what it is.  Let me back up a bit at the start of the day.

I really meant to go to church yesterday.  As I sat here yesterday and was typing, my stomach would start to hurt and I'd have to stop and get to the bathroom.  The second time just a short time later, I just said, "God, if I am to stay home today, then this will happen again."  Seriously, I said that, for I still meant to go to church.  And within 15 minutes, my stomach was cramping again and I had to head to the bathroom.  So when 8AM came around I told hubby I wasn't going to go to church because my stomach was cramping and I was afraid it would start at church and I didn't want any accidents.  So he decided to stay home too.  sigh.  Nothing wrong with him.  So I grabbed my Bible and notebook and said I was going to sit out in the courtyard where it was cool and in the shade.  Thinking it would be nice and quiet, I got settled there and opened my Bible to read some more.... and hubby sits down and starts talking.  He was not even acknowledging my 'space' of quiet.  Big sigh.  I finally gave up trying to read, and seeing the pots I had gone to Home Depot the day before, along with the potting soil, decided I would just replant the plants in the pots.  So I started on that, hubby asking if he can help ('but I can't get down on my knees') and I said no, I could do it, and had the planter on the table and started filling with dirt.  Long story short, he decided he could help afterall and was doing the little things he felt was necessary to help me.  I kept my mouth shut.  Now you know I like to do some things by myself, having a space to which I could think quietly.  Well, that wasn't going to happen.

My memory took me back to my childhood when, for getting some thinking time by myself, I would go outside and pull the weeds around the backyard chain link fence. I would stay out there for hours, just to get away from everyone and have some space.  I soon learned that if I worked at something, they would leave me alone.  Soon, I found out why because I broke out in a horrible rash of poison Ivy from the weeds at the back of the house.  It was even in my eyes, and so bad that I remember having to go to the doctor.  I was totally covered with poison ivy.   

Anyway, 'we' got the pots filled with the plants, I added soil to some of the other pots that needed it, and hubby watered them.  Then it was time for our church to start so we went in and watched it online. It was a good message.  I cooked T-bone steak and eggs for breakfast.  Yes, having steak for breakfast is a rare thing, but I had thawed it for the night before and we hadn't eaten it.   Then I decided I needed to go to JoAnn's to buy soft yarn to make a baby blanket for our 'new' great-grandson that will soon be coming to live with our son.  Have never met this one, and he is about 8 months old, I've been told.  I was gone 2-3 hours, I guess, just walking around and getting my 'space' for a bit.  

Coming back home, hubby was watching NCIS (shocker the TV was on, right?) so I sat down and watched a few before fixing dinner.  Watched another NCIS and then I got a text from my sister asking if I had watched Jentezen Franklin that morning (I had not).  So we switched over to You Tube and watched the service.  An AMAZING message on Pride.  Ouch, you think?   So many preachers nowadays just want to skip pride conversations.  We all have some pride, but sometimes that pride is taken too far.  I encourage you to watch the May 19th message @ Free Chapel.  It was really good. In fact, I'm thinking I'd like to watch it again.

Proverbs 16:18 (NKJV):  Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

Can you think back to something you have been prideful about?  We always can think of someone else who is prideful, can't we?  But where in our own lives are we prideful?  I like to think that beyond being prideful about my children and grandchildren, and of course the great grandchildren, I am NOT prideful.  But yet, am I?   We can call it being stubborn, but are we prideful NOT to apologize, NOT to have 'that conversation' with someone? Do we think that if we ignore it, it will go away?  (Trust me, it doesn't, and the one who came to mind was once again on yesterday bringing up the past drama and elaborating on it with the "God knows" statement always thrown out there.  sigh. Some people just need affirmation ALL the time. But, continuing on....

Don't I put on makeup, fix my hair, dress fashionably - and am prideful about how I look?  (now mind you I much prefer no make-up, hair pulled back, comfy pants and a t-shirt to dressing up anymore)  I think I do it just to look nice, and I do.... but am I prideful in my appearance if I FEEL I look nice?  What about my cooking?  I'm just being honest here and sorting out this pride thing.... I love to cook and I love to give it away.  I love trying new recipes and sharing them.  Am I being prideful when something turns out good and it gets bragged about?  Am I being prideful about .... are there so many I can't think of what to write?  WHAT am I prideful about, and what is it that I am proud of and that is ok?  When does the pride turn in to sin?  

So instead of thinking of what I am prideful about that could be called a sin, I instead turn to God and pray, "Lord, make me a humble person."  Having a little extra money to do things with for the first time in my life doesn't make me proud, unless I flaunt it before others.  I am willing to walk away from my job and shut down that spending part of my life and make do with what we have.... only hubby won't hear of it.  I am willing to live without things, so that I can enjoy life.  Does that make sense?  But, perhaps now is not that time.  I like my job (most days), I enjoy my job (most days), but I am tired.  But there is nothing to fill the gap of time I spend in front of the computer.... because hubby would want to do it with me. A whole nother story for another day.

I could try writing... but 'try' is the word.  And what would I write about?  My dreams of becoming an author have dimmed greatly since my youth.  I do still have the title of the book in mind... but the contents is what sells it.   I would have to have something to fill my time; I could not 'retire' and just sit here at home and crochet, I'd go out of my mind.  I could not retire and just watch TV all day.  I don't want to sleep my life away.  And, because hubby has every excuse in the book not to hike or walk long distances, he doesn't want me to, because the boogie man might pull me off and hurt me.  Fear is another topic that hubby and I 'discussed' the other day.  I just let go on that one... and I told him... he needs to let go of his fear of being late, of being left alone, of no one checking on him, of no one caring for him, of something happening to me.  Again, another subject for another day.  Scared of our own shadow?

Sigh.  It's Monday and I am only working until 1 or 1:30PM - I can't remember what I told my bosses.  I'm sure I have it on the computer.  Already have lots to get done this morning. But, I'm going to stop here and get into the shower before I start work.  I can get dressed and make-up on (my family will thank me for that) during the morning.  It takes hubby longer to get ready than it does me. Figure that one out.  Anyway, we are being picked up early afternoon to head to a grandson's graduation.  I couldn't find the thermos I wanted to get him.... which was frustrating. I don't have time to go to another store this morning - that is what happens when I put it off.  I really thought I could find it at this one place - but they didn't have what I wanted and the second place I went to didn't have it either.  So I gave up. They prefer the money anyway, I'm sure. Although that isn't much.  I am thinking this may be the last graduation of a grandchild for us to attend.  I wonder where he will choose to start his journey in this new stage of life.  I just had a thought - lol - his two brothers work the night shift.... and from what I hear, that would be great for this one as he loves to sleep most of the morning.  Who DOES like getting up early to go to work?  

And I need to stop and jump in the shower before my 'free' times gets away from me.  Work computer is already on, but the shower comes first. Hope you have an amazing day!  Today we all will be full of pride as this young man walks across the stage.  And that is a good pride.

Blessings!

so much to update... maybe....

 Well, I mentioned a few things in my writing yesterday and said if I remembered I would update you this morning.  So let me think for a moment and see what I can remember.....

The Ladies Crew Tea surprised me yesterday... what I mean is that it was much, much better than I thought it was going to be, based on the past.  We did sit at round tables, which had really cute teacup/teapot centerpieces.  And, towards the end, there was food - lots of it - things like little sandwiches, nuts, cookies, potato salad, fruits and vegetables, and more cookies.  Yes, I did indulge and blow my 'healthy food intake' and ate a sandwich, a cookie, a lemon bar, and some healthy things.  I've got to be more in control of my 'diet'.  Those sugar things are just not good for me.  Anyway, the panelists who spoke of their personal life, wow.  One often thinks that what they went through as a child, what they went through in their early single years, early marriages.... we think we are all alone in the things we did.  Yesterday proved my mindset of that was wrong.  Some of the things these young women endured or chose to go through, were very similar to things I did.  Thankful for God's grace.  God is so good.  There has been something I have been asking God about lately, and one of the women confirmed what I had questioned, and a woman stood up in the audience and told her story, and confirmed again what I had questioned God about.  It was a good Tea and I'm glad I went.  And they definitely did not need my help to get this set up to make it a nice tea.    If I had known it was to be this good, I would have invited some family members to attend, although I think most were busy.

We did go to CCV last night and listened to John Maxwell.  And, yes, I did buy his book and got started on it last night.  This man is a Leader among Leaders. He is a godly man who has always put God first and his walk of integrity and encouragement and honesty is outstanding.  He talked about taking the 'high road' - and the name of his book is (I think, pulling from memory) The High Road of Leadership.   He shared how people would ask him about the information he shares and he at first refuses to tell them...lol... and when they persist, he tells them.  All the information in his book comes from the Bible.  Yep.  Jesus is the example he gives; the life that Jesus lived, and it all boils down to this.... we are to love others.  If we love others, we don't cheat them; we don't lie about them; we don't mistreat them; .... you get the picture.  The book is really good.  And, yes, it has already spoken to me and you can probably guess who it has spoken about that although I have forgiven (reluctantly, I might add), I still want to stay away from them.  But Jesus.... He went to the unlovely, the hateful, the liars, those who only want for themselves.... He went to them, forgave them, ate with them, talked with them, taught them.  Who am I to be withdrawn and let them be lost?   This is a hard one.  I'm not sure how to deal with it and will need to pray and think on it.  Bottom line, since God has brought it to my attention, I need to act on it.  And I don't want to. Lord, help me in my stubbornness.

The call from our friend yesterday?  It appears that he has started preaching at an independent living facility not far from our gym.  The time is 2PM on Sunday afternoons, so it wouldn't interrupt with our church services, even when I preach at the RV parks in the fall.  But, all he was asking was if one of us (meaning hubby or I) could speak on June 9th at the facility because he was going up north to his 'old church'.  He just needs someone to cover that one Sunday.... and since he mentioned he would be on vacation for 3 weeks in August, he may ask us to do it again then.  Anyway, long story short, hubby told him he didn't want to do it, that I was the better speaker, and he would leave it up to me.  I have given it a lot of thought and I think I will do it, at least for June 9th.  No money is involved; it is just volunteer, and that is ok with me.  I don't preach at the RV parks for the money, although they do pay me.  (and yes, I report it on my taxes.)  I will text our friend this afternoon and let him know that I will do it.  I do want him to meet us there before that date and walk us through the facility to see where they meet and meet some of the people.  I have several messages I have done in the past so I don't have to create a new one, yet, I need to start getting some ready for this fall season.  It will be fun to meet new people.

Ironically, I have often thought about checking into doing other facilities, or RV parks, but hubby is always a downer on it so I haven't said much about it.  This is in the afternoon and it (currently) is only one time so he's ok with it, albeit reluctantly.  You think I don't like change?  He doesn't like anything that interferes with his plans of what he wants - and Sunday afternoons are TV, football watching, or naptime, depending on the season.  Not to put him down; he makes us old people and when I complain about him acting like an old man, he screams at me "I'm not old!!"  Ok then.  Quit acting like it - right? LOL

Still enjoying sections of Fresh Brewed Life.  I'm in the section on Beauty.  I found it interesting, and confirming at times, to read that when women are going through tough times, they let themselves go. Their hair isn't fixed; they leave makeup off (or put it on haphazardly), they dress in ways that are not their usual impeccable way.  And I saw myself.  When things are tough going, and I've had quite a few of those times over the years, I have seen me just pull my hair back and let it go.  I have put on jeans that have holes in them (true, that's fashionable now, but not where these holes are.) .  I have left makeup off or just did the basic. It's not that I am not going anywhere necessarily, but that I just don't care what I look like.  Most women, my sister included, will not even step out of the house to go to the mailbox without having her hair fixed and make-up on.  I can just about go all week without applying make-up except on Sundays!  As for my hair, it's a lost cause; I comb it and put in a ponytail or clip it back.  If I'm at home all day, why bother with wasting makeup, right?  But I realize now that when I don't fix myself up, I let myself hide, the real me inside doesn't get to come out.  I'm sure that doesn't make much sense.  Do I think I'm beautiful?  No.  Hubby says I am, but he's prejudiced.  My face is getting wrinkled, my hair has streaks of gray (and I quit getting it 'highlighted').  I'm pudgy and lazy, tired of life at times.  I need to revive myself and believe in myself, and believe in my worth.  I am worth putting makeup on for myself. I am worth fixing my hair up - even if it is just for me.  (like, where am I going to find the TIME for that??!!)  Oh I could go on and on about beauty, but I'll hush.   For years I have allowed others to tell me how to wear my hair, what I can or cannot wear.  In recent years I have rebelled and it has not been received well.  I am still dealing with comments  - and the fact that my sister chimes in with her own opinions on how I should wear my hair... it doesn't do a whole lot for my self-confidence.  For example, I pulled my hair back last Sunday in a curly ponytail (I my hair) and a photo was taken of me while speaking.  I sent it to my little sister and she immediately responded I should have worn my hair down that it is much better looking when I wear it down (like she does hers).  Sigh.  Short hair, long hair, down or up, pulled back or hanging down - what does it matter as long as I am happy with it?  Sigh.

James 3:17 (NKJV):  But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

Wisdom that comes from above is perfect and pure.  It is a peaceable, gentle wisdom, that is gentle to others, it yields as needed, and is full of love and mercy.  Wisdom that is from this world fights against everything that is good.  We want our own way.  We think we know best.  We don't even bother to ask God because we think our wisdom is greater than His, afterall, we are living in this world, right?  How could He know what we are going through?  Ah... He knows everything.  Our God sees everything.  Our God hears everything.  Nothing escapes His eye, His ear, His heart.  

Do you not see how important it is to bring even the little trivial things to Him and ask for His wisdom on how to deal with them?  He is gracious and kind. He is loving and faithful.  He is forgiving and forgetful.  He has given us His Word, the Bible, to show us how to live justly before others.  We have the instruction book of life right in front of us - and yet, many of us still fight to take control of all things!!  What gives us that right to upsurp God and think that we are better than He is?  That we are wiser than He is?  The devil himself is the one who puts those thoughts into our minds.  That is why we need this scripture.

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 (NKJV):  For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.

We need to take our thoughts captive and measure them against the Word of God and live justly and rightly.  We are to cast out those things that are not of Him, even when our inner selves are crying out for justice.  He is God, and we are not.  Sometimes things happen for our good, even though we disagree how it came about.  The bad can sometimes cause us to run to Jesus (I know, it happened in my life!) and surrender oneself completely to Him.  Then satan will attack in subtle ways, to drag you back down to his level.  Don't do it!  You belong to Jesus!  Hold THAT thought in your mind!

Blessings!

Not sure what it is....

 I didn't sleep well last night - well, I had difficulty going to sleep.  Not sure exactly why, but I can contribute it to different things.  I imagine it was the tea I drank at KFC last night with dinner; you know, caffeine after 5PM.  Sometimes it doesn't bother me; I have even had coffee later than that!  But it has been a long time.  Now my coffee is usually just in the mornings.  My tea drinking is usually in the afternoons to keep me going.  Water is usually 'my thing'.  We watched two movies before going to bed - around 10PM versus our usual 8:30PM.  So why couldn't I go to sleep (other than 're-watching the movies scenes' in my mind) and why did I wake up at 5AM?  UGH.  I got up and came in here, hoping not to wake hubby, but he was already starting to awaken and was moving about - which always ensures I move and get out of bed for he starts tossing and turning and there is no way I could go back to sleep.  My mind is usually awake between 4-5AM and it annoys me on weekends.  I can sleep a little later, right?  But not today.  sigh.

I will be going to a Ladies Crew thing (that what they call them) at church today at 11AM.  I struggle with this sometimes.  Our former church spoiled me in many ways and I have so many fond memories of things we did in the women's groups there.  Whenever the women would get together, especially for a 'tea', we had food.  It might just be sandwiches and tea or something like that, but it was fun going to.  Here, we had one where it was a potluck - which was fine, I love to cook - and that was Christmas.  Today, it's called 'Spill the Tea' so one would think it would be like a tea party, right?  It's not.  I wasn't sure exactly what it was about, so I checked emails this morning.  FINALLY, there was some information about it.  'Come as you are - jeans or dress up - bring your favorite teacup or mug - light refreshments (aka packages of nuts, snacks in packages you buy at the store) and listen to women share some of the difficult times in their lives and how they came through it.   I just feel this heaviness and yearning within me that there is so much more that could be done to encourage and help women be all they can be for God!  Honestly, I really struggle with this.  I tell myself to 'mind your own business' and let the people 'in charge' do their thing.  But I have felt so discouraged when I leave these things because although the purpose is good, they don't make them 'fun'.  Does that make sense?  I have offered before to sit down with the administrator (who seemingly is in charge of EVERYthing going on and the direct line to the pastors) and share ideas of ways we could encourage women - based on my own experiences - and I feel I am ignored.  Oh I get the positive responses when I offer help or suggestions, but they fall on deaf ears.  I realize it is a lot of the (not type-casting here) culture of the leadership of this church, and they perhaps have never had these experiences I have had.  And I struggle to connect.  Oh well.  Maybe today will be different.

And I always ask the question to myself - although I do want to be involved in things..... HOW involved do I want to be?  I feel like between work and hubby, I really do not have much time to do things.  Honestly.  I have 4 planters that I bought that came to be assembled over a week ago, and they are still sitting in the boxes to be put together.  I simply MUST do it this afternoon!  My plants are going to die if I don't get them in pots soon!!  I still can't figure out how I can work from home (gaining two hours driving time most days) and still not have time to get things done.  Have I become so lazy that I just put it off all the time?  I don't want to be this way!  I must start forcing myself to ignore hubby's comments and interruptions and DO SOMETHING.  I mean besides crochet or knit and fix him dinner.  I need to start moving and become ALIVE again.  I'm struggling inside; I really am!  I don't want to be come my mother who in her latter years would just sit in her chair at the kitchen table all day.  I want to be active and alive and live life.  I feel so weighted down - how do I break through this heaviness?  How do I reach out and grab ahold of life?  

Well, this is weird.  I had to stop for a moment and go down the hall and I hear hubby talking to someone on the phone.  I don't recognize the male voice. I pause to listen and since he has it on speaker, I can easily hear.  The voice says "I have a proposition for you and (me) I'd like to come over this morning and talk about."  WHO IS THIS PERSON?  My curiosity is aroused.  Hubby told him I have the tea this morning so was busy, but the voice said they want to come over within the hour.  Ah.... Hubby just came in - lol - disgruntled, I might add, that he was interrupted this morning (after all, it is 7AM.)  So what is this about?  And, who is this person?  It's a (former) pastor we worked with up north for 5 years.  They live in the city we do now permanently (and have for a couple years) although we haven't hung out with them. They are both retired, and yet, here I am.  Anyway, he wants to talk with hubby and I about a ministry he thinks we might be interested in.  HAH!  He doesn't know, I assume, that hubby has 'retired' from speaking.  I am curious as to what it is, but hubby is insistent my quiet time this morning is not to be interrupted (by anyone but him) so he is grumbling as he gets dressed to go meet this person for coffee and hear what he has to say.  This should be interesting. I am curious what it is, but as you know, as I was just groaning about, my 'free' time is limited, and I need to start making myself DO things I want to get done and quit being lazy and sitting around.  In fact, once hubby is gone, I may get dressed and start on one of those planters!  

We heard that John Maxwell, a well-known speaker, is going to be at a former church this weekend so we are going to meet our daughter and SIL there later this afternoon to listen to him.  I have read a few of his books - definitely not all of them - on leadership and I have learned a lot. It will be good to listen to some fresh ideas and ways of doing things - as if I have any say in the way of anything being done at the church.  

I'm curious what this coffee meeting is with hubby and our friend!  Hubby just left to meet him, grumbling.  I told him to go with a positive attitude; it might be something he would enjoy and find passion about.  Grumble. "Or he wants to pass it on to us because he doesn't want to do it." was his comment back.  LOL  See what I live with?  Let's not be positive and open-minded about anything - let's just grumble and make our mind up you are passing it over to me because you don't want to do it.  And that may be true...... but still.....   and I'm not having to get up, get dressed and go because hubby is 'protecting' my quiet time.  He does fight about anyone taking some of my time away in the mornings.

Hebrews 6:10 (NKJV):  For God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name, in that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister.

Huh.  Sometimes I pull verses from memory, and other times I check to see what Bible Gateway has for the verse of the day.  This one causes me to go 'hmmm'.  In that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister.  Is God saying something to us in that verse as hubby goes to meet with our friend?  Hubby has been refusing to get involved in any way other than attending the men's crew groups or us (me) facilitating a class.  I am pretty sure he is going to come back with a decided 'no' for whatever it is, and will have any excuse  - but I could also be very wrong.  I really do wish he would get involved and DO something, but he has decided his Tuesday night Bible study, His weekly breakfasts with his friends, and his Friday morning Bible study is all he needs to be involved in; he is too busy for anything else. Oh, and working out, that is.   

But then, how do I really feel?  Do I feel I can take anything else on?  I think it would depend on what it is.  I don't know.  I know how tired I am after a day of work (and Friday was NOT a light day - I had several meetings to make for the male boss who was in Colorado waiting on me when I turned on the computer!!)  I had meetings to schedule throughout the day; I had numerous things given to me to do - I broke away to go donate blood yesterday afternoon and came back to more things to do - I never did get any of the trainings done.  I had hoped to knock them all out; didn't even get into that section. I was really busy, and at 3:45PM my male boss was emailing me to create a contract.  I told him I'd do it on Monday. 4PM I shut my computer down. They may work until 5PM, but I do not, unless it is a critical thing.

Stay tuned... if I remember, I will share tomorrow what this intriguing thing is being presented.  In the meantime, hubby is gone, I think I'm going to stop and look at the planter and see how to put it together.

Blessings!