An enjoyable fun evening....

 It's been awhile since we have been out for dinner with friends, but yesterday we did.  Our 'new' neighbors who have been across from us for several months now, met us for dinner last night and we took them to Mercer's, one of our hangouts for my salmon meal.  (I have yet to find a restaurant that cooks their salmon like they do.)  We had a fun dinner and lots of conversation.  This is my friend, whom I had shared a bit with of what was going on with my little sister and I... well, she diagnosed a narcisstic personality disorder.... yes, I looked it up... and I think it fits.  Of course I didn't ask what 'disorder' I was diagnosed with!  Probably stupidity!   We had a great evening and it felt good to get out and talk about other things.

Oh - the roof.  Yes, the original roofing company came out and ... he said that the right nails were used, but they were put in too deep, causing the shingles to flap and come loose.  They will be back out in a few days to replace those shingles FREE OF CHARGE.  Imagine that!  Only about 20 shingles, but still.... it's FREE.  

Of course, then hubby had to remind me of the yearly rec fee that is due.  I didn't respond.  But, I think (as I did last year), that since it is mandatory we pay it (due to area we live in), we may as well use it.  Of course hubby can't bowl anymore because of his shoulder, so that's out for him.  Shuffleboard reminds him of old people (huh?), and then there is the gym, of which he has the excuse he really can't work out... and my excuse of being limited with time.  BUT, if we have to pay for it, we may as well use it - right?  We do have several pools in the rec centers that we can use.  One even has a huge water maze that you can walk through and get exercise.  We ARE old, whether we want to believe it or not.  That's why we live in the area we are in!  And we DO need exercise.  Yes, I have a treadmill, some weights and my trampoline here at home, and I occasionally get on them.  I need to do so more than occasionally.  I need to 'just do it'. (I know, here we go again)

My head is hurting this morning and I'm not sure why - are we expecting a big storm?  I wish it would rain a soft steady rain and cool down the air, refresh the atmosphere we breathe.  I love the smell after a rainstorm.  It's bad enough I've had to take something for it.  Ick.  I hate taking medication.

Medication.  I have to tell you this... I'm still going, 'huh'?  I have to order my 'daily meds' through our work pharmacy.  I placed an order the other day for my Fosamax.  Now they come 4 pills in a box, and I get 3 boxes every quarter.  My cost is $1.70.  They shipped the order in a box like about 18" x 10" x 10" and had them packed in dry ice, shipped Fed Ex.  I had to place an order yesterday for my cholesterol pills.... and I'm curious how they will arrive.  I will need a refill in a couple weeks on my levothyroxin so will again see how they ship those.  What a waste of money for just pills!  But it is probably because it is so hot - I have received both in a mailbag before.

Yesterday morning I couldn't get my mind off my older sister.  I do miss her, even though we didn't see each other often, and talked infrequently.  She drove everyone crazy who knew her, but I loved her.  I'm still frustrated my brother and sister didn't contact certain people about her death.  I know they would have come to her funeral.  But it is just as well they didn't.  I would have been ashamed my family spoke nothing about our sister.  That really does bother me.  Couldn't they have thought of one good things to say?  Will anyone say anything 'good' about me when I die?  Anyway, I ate two snack bags of M&Ms. There.  I confessed.  I try to stay out of the candy.  Glad I didn't have any M&M peanuts for I would have eaten more.  Love those!  Love my snickers too, but have been weaning myself off those. I just needed chocolate.  LOL  My friend and I were talking about our chocolate addiction last night during dinner.  She does some of the same things I do!  I thought I was alone in my sneaking chocolate and not letting anyone know!

I finished up I Thessalonians this morning with chapter 5.  These verses stood out to me; probably because of the things I've been going through lately.

I Thessalonians 5:14-15 (NKJV):  "Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all.  See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all."

Things that catch your eye and make you go hmmmm.  'See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone.' Now I know that we all have felt revengeful at times.  They hurt me, so I want to hurt they back, right?  They did or said something I didn't like and it made me angry, so I can get back at them, right?  Uh, no, that is not what we are called to do.  Did I want to retaliate against my little sister for the things she did and said to me?  The anguish she puts me through constantly?  Do I want to give her my 'what for'?  Absolutely.  But I can't.  Sometimes you can not imagine how hard it is NOT to retort back to her comments.  And yes, I'm using her as an example for she usually sets me off about something in some way.  It's either her way or I'm wrong.  Why don't I retort back to her?  Because I can't.  It would explode and we would proably not speak for awhile.  

We are called to pray for one another, and to love one another, regardless of what they do to us.  Jesus says we are to forgive '70x7' and even if that means that every minute of every day the thought of what 'they' did to us comes to mind, we are to forgive them again and again, and pray for them, that they may be healed and whole.  That is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.  Yes, we need to stay away from toxic people in our lives.  People that set us off.  But we are also to tolerate them because our lives can influence them and turn them to Jesus.  And that is what we are called to do.  Show who Jesus is to us by the life that we live.

Some of us can look at specific people and believe they are great Christians.  But we only see one side of them.  Usually people are 'nice' when they are around us.  And when someone close to us isn't so 'nice' in what they do or say... we tend to overlook it because, after all, all of us have our 'bad days' or 'it was justified'.  Right?  Naw.... we all are called to live holy and blameless lives so that by our lives we can encourage others to live for Jesus.

Loving, living for Jesus, is the best choice I ever made.  Do I fail?  Absolutely.  Many times.  But when I go to Jesus and ask for forgiveness, He is always willing to gather me into His arms and love me 'just as I am'.  I shudder to think what my life would be without Him.  Without His unconditional love for me, regardless of what I do.  My mouth, my actions, frequently get me in trouble with others.  But Jesus.  He hears me when I call out to Him, and He holds me close and helps me right the wrongs; helps me be silent when I need to be, helps me to speak when I need to speak.  I'm lost without Him.

And so are you.  Think about it.  If you allowed Jesus to be Lord of your life, what would be different?  He accepts you 'just as you are'.  He doesn't say you have to change before He accepts you.  He accepts you just as you are.  Ask Him to guide you today.

Blessings!

She did call....

 I had not responded by text to my sister, but I had written her an email, in response to the two she had also sent me besides the text.  In my email I told her her I loved her, but that it would take time to rebuild that relationship we had before.  She hadn't seen my email when she called.  She wanted to talk about the funeral, about things we packed, donated, took.... she asked about a basket that was on top of her refrigerator - how did it get there and why did she have it?  I paused.  Then I told her how when my daughter came back from the storage unit with the basket and my daughter said "I found another basket!" that she grabbed it and said "this one is mine!".  She did not remember saying it.  She did not remember the basket.  She did not remember taking it.  Oh my.

I suggested that she write down everything that she takes in medication, its strength, and how often she takes it (whether as prescribed or otherwise), and take it to her pharmacist and ask them to look at it and see what drugs may be interacting with the others.  She does take several pills plus vitamins she thinks she needs, but something must be interacting with something else.  One morning she mentioned that she had taken a water pill.... but then fell asleep 5 times on the way to the apartment!  Now she wonders if she took an extra-strength pain pill by mistake (one she took at night after her shoulder surgery).  I told her that she had acted 'drugged' all week I was there, and marked it up to her being 'drugged' to get through the funeral.  So many things she does not remember (such as verbally beating me up and cutting me out of her life) and the texts bring horror as she reads them.  Yeah, I think she needs to have a talk with her doctor - AND be honest about ALL the pills she takes, including diet pills that could be counter-acting against her medication.  She agreed she needed to do that.  But will she?

She called again later in te morning and told me of another insurance paper she found, plus another insurance policy.  She nearly drew me into it.  Greed.  The one policy already found was made out to our brother to take care of the funeral expenses.  He still gets a good $30K out of it.  I didn't know how much, but was ok with it.  But with two more policies, she wanted to talk about them.... one she doesn't know how much it is for, the other about $30K again, I think.  She didn't say who the beneficiaries are on either... but started talking about how the money should be divided among the siblings... forgetting that our sister had a son who has absolutely nothing and had everything taken away from him within a couple weeks.  I don't need the money... but my sister does... and I was surprised that she was so focused on it.  As long as it was one policy, she was fine with our brother taking it.  But now....  and I nearly fell into the trap of greed.  If he reimburses for airline tickets and car rental, that would be great.  But I will not ask for it, nor will I think ill of him if he doesn't.  He mentioned he would after things settled down, but I also had told him it was ok, that I would always come back for a siblings' funeral, no matter what it cost.  I've asked God's forgiveness for nearly falling into that greed trap and will send my sister an email on it this morning and confront her on what in her need she is doing.  She must not hold any ill feelings against our brother if he chooses to keep all the money that is given by the insurance company.  Of course the other two policies may not be made out to him.  I don't know.  If our older sister wanted us to have any, she should have put it in her directions.  She did not, at least from what we have thus uncovered.

At one point during the second phone call my little sister asked the question.... "are we still sisters?"  I assured her that yes, we are still sisters, and that I loved her, however, it would take time for the relationship to be healed.  She seemed to accept that.  I can easily forgive her.  I can love her.  But sometimes our words and attitudes can cut someone so deep, it takes time to rebuild that trust you had in them.  

I was reading in I Thessalonians 3 and 4 this morning and underlined several scriptures in my Bible.  

I Thessalonians 4:11--12  (NKJV): "that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing."

Lead a quiet life, mind your own business.  Do your own work with your own hands.  I think the "mind your own business" part is the hardest part for many of us.  We all think we know better, we have experienced more, and we feel it is our job to 'share' what we know - right?  And sometimes we need to just stay in the 'quiet life' and 'mind our own business', don't you agree?

Sometimes (and me included), we are just too quick to give our own opinion without being asked.  I am learning it is much better for me to be quiet and let them ASK what I thought.  But then, hubby and I got into a 'discussion' about an opinion yesterday.

As I have mentioned before.... we had some shingles blow off the roof during the last windstorm.  Only in one section.  Hubby was calling the insurance company before the wind had stopped blowing.  They sent someone out.  This contractor said $400 and commented that when the roof was originally put on, they used short nails in that area and should have used longer nails.  Now mind you, the roof has been there for 7 years, and has a 10 year warranty.  I asked hubby to take the roof contract to let our daughter read it as she understands that legal jargon.  Heaven forbid that he should let me read it and give my advice on it.  So he did.  Of course my daughter calls and tells me what she told him.  They made a phone call to the original roof company and they want to send someone out to look at it.  In the meantime, another roofer sent looked at it and said $350 and made the same observation; short nails versus long nails in that area.  Ok - we have two opinions on that.  Now the original roof company is sending someone out - today I think - to look at it.  So I gave hubby my opinion.  "If the original roof company does it for free - great.  If they offer to do it for $400, let them do it, although we had an offer of $50 less."  You would have thought I was dictating to him what 'he' should do - and he went off on me.  I just looked at him and said, "All I'm doing is giving you my opinion.  The original roofing company may void the rest of the warranty if we don't have them do it.  Just saying!"  I wasn't meaning to overrule anything he was thinking, I was giving my opinion - and told him if he didn't want my opinion, to quit telling me anything about the house.  After all, the only reason he was telling me was because he wants me to pay for it - or for the rec center mandatory bill of $436 we had gotten earlier.  You know he got angry because he knew I was right. :-)  Yeah, sometimes I think I am....  and yes, I was minding my own business before he pulled me into the conversation of the roof.  Did he ask for my opinion?  Of course not.  But I am compelled to tell him because I can't trust he will do the right thing.  He doesn't think clearly on some things.  Cheaper is not always better. 

Do you ever have conversations like that?  Sometimes some people are just a little bit wiser than we think we are.  Do you agree with that statement?  Especially our spouses.  I have a daughter in law that I think can do anything she sets her mind to - why?  because her dad wired her that way.  He taught her things and she isn't afraid to fix it herself.  I wish I could be given those opportunities to 'do it myself' (no, not the roof!  I don't do heights too well!) but there are other things I have been 'restricted' from doing... which is why I do some things when hubby is out of the house.  Like moving things around.  He doesn't like change at all, in spite of what he says.  So I put up with his fussing when he comes back and sees what I did - without him.  I enjoy cleaning and doing things.  

In fact, I was telling my daughter last night how refreshed I felt when I was cleaning out my sister's apartment.  I am not 'allowed' to clean our house.  (It's still not my home; it's a house to me.  He won't let me 'own' it)  Hubby doesn't either; he has someone come in and clean.  I have to wait until he is out of the house to sweep the floor and mop it even though I feel it needs it.  He isn't doing me any favors.  He just makes me angry - and when he finds I do it, he gets angry because he realizes how lazy he is.  Oops - did I go there?  

I think with that comment I need to hush... need to jump in the shower and get ready for the day ahead of me.  Is it Wednesday already?  The week is flying by!

Blessings!

She has asked, ""Can we talk?"

 I stared at that question on my phone last night without opening it up to see if there was any more to the message.  I still have not opened it, although I will sometime this morning, and I will respond.  Part of me wants to respond 'not yet'.  Part of me wants to respond  by not responding.  Part of me just wants to say 'yes' and be quiet and hear what she has to say.  I want to be friends.  I want to let Jesus in me be the One who responds to whatever is said.  So I pray.  And I trust.  How I respond can either tear a life down (one that is already in depression), or satisfy enough of her manipulation (see what I learned as I thought about it this morning?) to say "I love you, but we are not where we used to be.  It will take time to trust again." And I am still praying this morning that God will show me exactly what to do, and what to say.

I had the best encouragement yesterday.  My oldest son sent me a text that basically said "I love you and I understand what you are feeling, mom".  It always helps to know that you don't walk this troubled path alone.  And I let him have the last 'word'.... although I sent him a heart. :-)  

My younger sister sent a text yesterday asking if I took a certain quilt.  I didn't even see that quilt at all when I was packing things up last week.  I took the quilt off the bed and had planned to keep it, but forgot to force it into the big box that will be delivered tomorrow.  So I left it behind for my little sister, telling her that I really didn't NEED the quilt, I was going to take it because it was my older sister's.  I can't even remember what I did take.... miscellaneous things, hankerchiefs, a purse, some baby quilts she had bought at the flea market; some 'my pillow' baby pillows.... I really don't know.  And if I had to do it all over again, I probably would only take one thing, if that.  Just something to remember her by, although I do have my memories of my older sister.

I was asked to share in our Bible study part of my dysfunctional family episodes from this last week.  I shared about the texts I have received and that I did not respond.  Interestingly, our scripture study last night was on James 1:26-27.

James 1:26-27 NKJV:  "If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one's religion is useless.  Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world."

A summary of verse 26 says:  "The unbridled tongue renders a person's testimony worthless."

What does that mean?  You can have all the Christian sayings you want hanging all over your house.  You can go to church every time the church doors are open.  You can volunteer and say all the right things to others.... but.... if you let the devil entice you to say things that are cruel and mean, let your human emotions take over your words and your actions, then your testimony of living in Jesus is worthless.  You have destroyed any opinion they have of you.  And in that, you will have to ask forgiveness, not only of God, but of the people you offended, and work to rebuild that trust, that you are truly who you say you are in Christ.

I have said it before, and I will say it again.  I am not perfect in Christ.  Oh how I want to be!  I pray every day that I seek Him before I say things.  But, I still sometimes will do and say things that I should not.  I'm a work in progress, and I'm grateful for God's forgiveness and His strength and help in my times of need.  I have failed so many times, but I get up, dust myself off, and again dive into His Word and seek Him in prayer that I may live according to His Word for me.  More than anything else in the world, I want to be His.  I want to seek after His heart always.  

We have sometimes said "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" - and yet, the tongue that says those words can cut deeper than any stick or stone.  Be careful of the words you speak and the way you speak them.  Take it from one who has experienced many 'sticks and stones' thrown at me through the tongue.  Words can destroy you, or they can build you up.  I do not want to tear anyone down.  I choose to guard my words and speak encouragement ... I may fail sometimes, but I want to love and encourage everyone.

The tongue.  It can be brutal or it can be loving and kind.  I think our children, as they are growing up, learn a lot from how we use our tongue.  Sometimes they try us to the limit to where we may say some things that we really don't mean, but in our frustration we say.  I'm sure that I did it!  Looking back over the past 50 years, (oh that feels weird to say) I wish I had done a lot of things differently.  I wish I knew Jesus 'then' as I do now.  Things would have been a lot different.  But God knew the path I would take, and He let me take it so that I would know my dependence is totally upon Him.

Think back on the words you spoke recently.  Were they kind?  Loving? Helpful? Encouraging?  Those are the kinds of words you should speak.  Weigh carefully the words you sometimes want to say.  Things that are sarcastic and hard, bitter, angry.  Sometimes we have to choose carefully what we say.  We shouldn't always say what we want to say.  It's always better to hold those words in, (as in draft form?) than put them 'out in the bubble' of what is said.

Something to think about.

Blessings!

Turning the page

 Sometimes that is what we are called to do.  Turn the page and live all over.  Some people may think of it as a new chapter in life.  Or a new paragraph.  Something that has ended and let's move on to another topic, another subject.  And here we are.

Today is Monday and I am to be back at work.  I am grateful that I work from home so that I have time to write in here before having to get ready for work.  I did get on the computer to - I think it was - 536 messages.  Now, to be honest, probably 20 of those are ones that I have to do something with.  I get meeting notices for 5 people, so many of those were either notices to them of meetings, or acceptance of the meetings that were scheduled for them.  I worked over an hour on them Friday afternoon and got the majority out of the way.  I have perhaps 30 new messages since Friday, and again, many of those will not be mine personally.  For that I'm grateful, for I'd had to work all weekend if they were!  I do have things I need to get done this morning, and I will get them done.  It's 'Timecard Monday' so will be working on those first thing.  It will be a fairly quiet day as one boss has taken the day off and the other is on PTO this morning as she took a 'red eye' flight to New York last night.  She's sleeping this morning and getting settled in as they are staying 3 weeks.  They have the perfect place.  Her father-in-law had a house and he died a few years ago.  Many of the siblings of her husband still live around that area.  They keep an eye on the house, and when they want to 'get away' - they all "reserve" the house for as long as they want it and stay there.  Everything is there - it's like renting an airbnb only you don't have to pay for it.  Anyway, she will be there 3 weeks and visiting family, only taking two days PTO a week  to play.  The rest of the time she will be working remotely.  We'll probably chat this afternoon.  I have tried to eliminate any meetings after 2PM as they are 3 hours ahead, but some meetings she will just have to take them.

We enjoyed our granddaughter staying with us this weekend and we took her back to where she is staying after lunch yesterday.  I hate it that she is in this living situation, but I am unable to do anything about it.  I can only pray she is taken care of.  If we were in the other other house, I would have let her live with us; perhaps that is also one of the reasons God encouraged us to move.  We are limited in this 55 plus community.  A weekend occasionally is fine.  For a length of time for anyone under 55 is a no-no.  Keeps the community quiet, I guess.  Us old folks don't make much noise - and as hot as it is right now, no one goes outside anyway!

Shingles blew off our roof the other windstorm.  I think more blew off last night but haven't been out to look.  A roofing company is to come this morning to give an estimate to turn in to the insurance company.  I think I wrote before that hubby was calling the insurance company before the storm had even stopped!  We will get a second estimate too, as we have a $1000 deductible so if they can just repair the roof it should be only a few hundred dollars we'd have to pay.  Hubby gets too carried away and is more than willing to pay someone to get something done; only it usually ends up me paying for it out of my savings.  It is what it is.  I don't necessarily want cheap and shoddy; but I do want a guarantee that they will stay up there for years.  Our current roof is 7 years old.  They are usually guaranteed for 10 years, I think.

We heard a great message at church yesterday that really made me think.  It was in Exodus 32 where Moses was delayed coming down from the mountain with God, and the Israelites felt they needed a 'god' to lead them; forgetting that it was God who led them out of Egypt.  So they took their gold earrings and jewelry and gave to Aaron, Moses' brother, to fashion for them a golden calf, which he did.  (of course when he was confronted by Moses when God sent him back down the mountain to find the Israelites in revelry of all kinds, including the sexual revelry of Egypt) and Moses was so angry he broke the Ten Commandments that God had given him.  Aaron had the gall to tell Moses that the people brought him all their gold jewelry and he threw them into the fire and 'out came a golden calf'!  

What we learn from this chapter is that we all sometimes put idols before God.  We all think we have to have something that we put before time with God.  Some examples, our phones.  When we have to constantly have to have our phone in our hand, looking at it, it has become an idol.  If we can lay it aside and leave it alone for lengths of time, it can just be a distraction.   When we constantly stress eat - food can become our idol.  We use food to comfort us (guilty!) when we feel sad.  When we feel lonely. When we feel hurt. When we are angry.  Food has become our idol.  Food is there to nourish our body; it isn't there to make us 'feel good' about ourselves.  One thing that was identified surprised me.  Control.  When we feel we have to control every one, every situation, to make them do what we want them to do; when we have to be aware of every aspect of something, to make sure it is according to what we want - control becomes an idol.

Why are these things identifed as idols?  Because they take us away from our relationship with God.  God should be the One to whom we run when we are hurting.  God is the One to whom we turn to when we are confused and angry at situations.  God is the only One who can rescue us, the only One who can lead us out of our Egypt.

Yeah, I've learned that saying.  Sometimes when we are in certain situations, you can classify them as 'Egypt' where we are enslaved and miserable.  When you get out of debt, you are leaving Egypt behind.  When you restore a relationship, you have 'walked away from Egypt'.  When we lay the situation down of what is before us, we not only walk away from Egypt, but we 'lay our Isaac down'.  Remember the story of Abraham getting ready to sacrifice Isaac?   Are you willing to surrender the very thing that you hold on to - lay your Isaac down - to the only One who can make things right?

Moses, when he had come down the mountain, called for those who followed the Lord to come to him.  Only the sons of Levi came.  They were ordered to take the sword to the people.... and about 3000 men were killed that day.  Then Moses.  He interceded to God for the people.  God wanted to wipe them out totally.  Start a new lineage through Moses.  But Moses intereceded and begged God to instead wipe him out of the book God had written, instead of the people.  And God listened to Moses.  And changed His mind.

Exodus 32:31 NKJV:  "Then Moses returned to the Lord and said, "Oh, these people have committed a great sin, and have made for themselves a god of gold! Yet now, if You will forgive their sin - but if not, I pray, blot me out of Your book which You have written."  

If you have an idol you have placed before God, let it go.  It's ok to have things in your life, but it is when they become your focus that it becomes a sin.  God is to always be first and foremost in one's life.  It is to Him we are to run to.  It is to Him alone who receives all our praise and all our worship.  

Even in times of trials and pain, Jesus is always there, helping us through them.  Trust Him.  Talk to Him. Tell Him what is going on and how you feel.  He knows it already anyway, but talk to Him about it.  And wait on His timing to make things the way they should be.

Blessings.

To those who saw it, I'm sorry...

 I added a post yesterday afternoon that I should have kept to myself, for the most part. I returned it to draft form.  I was hurt, frustrated, dismayed, and irritated - which is different from being angry.  Angry I was not.  I had been through this in 2013 and my sister and I didn't speak for 6 months.  It will be different this time as she told me why she was cutting me out of her life.  Why? Because I visited an older brother, whom I love and have a relationship with - and she doesn't.  Last time I begged, pleaded and tried to understand where her anger and hatred came from.  This time I know - and I'm not going to run after her.  I'm going to let her process and make her own decision.  She said 'Goodbye'.  'I am mourning the loss of two sisters.'  I'm not going to play her game this time.  

So what am I going to do?  I'm going to live my life.  I'm not going to wallow and cry.  I did also lose 'two sisters' if she persists in this charade.   We buried our older sister last Wednesday, as you know.  I guess my younger sister chose to bury me as well.  I tried to talk to her Thursday she didn't want to talk with me. Friday she received the flowers I sent as a 'thank you for letting us stay with you' and she acknowledged and thanked us for them.  Saturday I got the 'Dear John' letter.  So be it.

I feel sad, yes, that she is throwing away all that she has learned in Christ of love and forgiveness and acceptance.... and is choosing to wallow in self pity and whatever else you want to call it.  Sadly, I also feel freedom in our 'break-up' for I have always tried to please her in every way.  I spent way too much money on her because I knew she didn't have any.  (and yet, when she had money, she never inquired if I needed help - and we did)  That is finished and I have stepped back.  And I'm feeling ok.

Families squabble.  They don't speak to each other.  That is between them and should not be a punishment to others if they are friends with them.  I have always maintained a relationship with each one of my siblings.  Even those that are hard to love because of our differences.  I never stayed away nor pushed them away.  I loved them.  I was different to them.  Perhaps they tolerated me.  When this particular brother had cut off the family for 7 years several years ago, I didn't know the reasons he did that.  I didn't know what the other two younger ones had said/done to him.  It didn't include me so I kept sending him cards on his birthday, for Christmas, same as usual.  Once in awhile I would get one from him.  I prayed for him.  I loved him.  And when I saw him at another younger brother's funeral, I was the only one from the family who went over to him and hugged him and said that he may ignore me, but I refuse to ignore him.  He was my family.  We have been friends since.  He returned to the 'family' until other things happened, and I do not know the entire story.  I don't need to know.  It is between the sibling(s) involved and him.  I don't live back there and am not involved in their squabbles.  Thank You, Jesus!

In Colossians 3, we are told to put away the things of the world and to put on love.

Colossians 3:8-10 (NKJV):  "But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth,  Do not lie to one another since you have put off the old man with his deeds......"

Colossians 3:12-17 (NKJV):  "Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your herats to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" is a frequently quoted scripture I know.  I forgive my sister; and if my younger brother says he wants nothing to do with me anymore either, I will forgive him.  They will be held accountable for their own actions, as I will be held accountable for mine.  I choose to forgive and move on with my life.

I will miss my big sister, whom we buried on Wednesday.  I believe I can honestly say that my long-distance relationship with her was perhaps the closest relationship she had.  My little sister didn't like her and refused her calls most of the time.  My younger brother tolerated her because he was her POA and usually sent his wife to take care of her need.  How do I know this?  Because she told me.  We always ended our calls with 'I love you', and I talked with her the Tuesday before all this started.  I'm at peace with my relationship with her.

I will miss my little sister who has chosen to bury me too.  But I also choose to live.  I cannot let the thoughts and attitudes and opinions of others bury me because they no longer want me in their lives.  I choose to live - and in Jesus I will live.  I am so grateful for a loving, forgiving Heavenly Father who loves me more than I can ever imagine, and will walk with me in this journey of life.  I surrender all of me to Him who cares more for me than any other.  I will survive.

And so will you.  Life is hard sometimes and people do things that we don't like.  You can let them control your life even though you don't see or speak to them.  Or you can forgive them and truly live your life free.

Blessings!

What is in a name?

 One of my granddaughters is staying with us this weekend.  My daughter had taken her to a doctor's appointment for my son who is in rehab, and then dropped her off here.  Grandpa, she and I went out to lunch (of course.  He loves food and will agree to anything if there is food involved) and then she and I went shopping for a short while.   We picked up a few things for our new little one who is to arrive in early September.  Also some things for where she lives.  It seems they have very little to cook with.  Whatever we get, she can take with her when she moves out.  Her dad bought her a set of pots and pans; she and I will go to Savers and Goodwill today and look for dishes and glasses.  I've given away all the extra dishes I had when I moved.  See, I should have hung on to them!  I could let go of a few more, but there are so many at Savers and Goodwill, we will be able to get quite a bit.  I just want to help her so that after the baby comes and she finishes school next year, she can get a job and move out from where she is staying.

I casually asked her yesterday what she was going to name the baby.  I told her I was not going to suggest names; I was just curious if she had made up her mind.  She said her dad wants to name him Ezekiel.  Along with a couple other names.   I asked her why Ezekiel and she said he chose it and wants to call the baby E Z or something like that.  I asked if she knew that Ezekiel was a prophet in the Bible.  No, she didn't.  And I'm sure her father doesn't remember either; he just liked the sound of the name.  Although it is an unusual name to use, I feel there is promise in that name.  This child may be the one who will lead them both to Jesus.  Why do I think that?

Ezekiel 37 tells of a conversation the prophet had with God.  You will remember it I'm sure, as I give you a bit of it....

Ezekiel 37:3-6 (NKJV):  "And He said to me, "Son of man, can these ones live?"  So I answered, "O Lord God, You know."  Again He said to me, "Prophesy to these bones, and say to them, 'O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD!  Thus says the Lord God to these bones: "Surely I will cause breath to enter into you and you shall live.  I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live.  Then you shall know that I am the LORD."

Do you remember the story now?  As Ezekiel prophesies over the dry bones in the valley, tendons, muscles, and skin comes upon the bodies and breath is breathed into them and they rise up and live.

Oh that is what Jesus does for each one of us!  Do you not see how this prophesy can also affect each one of us?  God has knit us together in our mother's womb.  He made us perfect, each one, in His eyes.  It doesn't matter if our body in human eyes is perfect or not, in God's eyes, each one of us is perfect.  He knit us together, He breathed life into us.  He chose us to be His own.   

And even after we have grown and gone our own ways... the ways of the world... we are still in the palm of His hand.  He knew what we were going to do before we even thought it.  Remember Abraham?  God told him that his decendants would be captive for 400 hundred years - long before Abraham had decendants!  The Lord also told Abraham that He would lead them OUT OF EGYPT with great possessions.

OUT OF EGYPT.  Do you realize that when we allow life to enslave us - to anything - to debt, to the wrong people, to jobs we don't like, to influences that destroy us - we are enslaved to that thing?  We allow these things to control who we are and what we do - until we are but a shell of the person, an enslaved person at that - of all that God has for us.  Yes, I say has, for Jesus is our Redeemer and He can redeem us from the pits of hell and set our feet on solid ground and restore to us what the enemy has taken away.  He can remove our enslavement and set us free!  Isn't that a great thing?  We should be rejoicing of what we have been set free from!  For some it can be immediate, for others it takes time and work.  But it is our choice - we are given the freedom to choose.  I choose not to be enslaved to the things of this world.  Yes, some things I still have no control over, but God will prevail and will help me to make the right choices when I choose Him above all other things.  Hallelujah!

The more I think about the name Ezekiel that this new baby may have, I get excited.  I pray that little Ezekiel will grow up in the power of the Lord and that he will be blessed and be a blessing.  I pray that he will turn the hearts of his parents and grandparents and all that know him, to Jesus.  I pray that he will become a great and mighty prophet of the Lord.  Yes, he has a name that prophesies and I call out to God to bestow upon baby Ezekiel the power of the Lord and that he will lead others to Jesus.

I have three other grandsons that have biblical names as well.  We have a Thomas... we have a David... and we have a Nathan.  And I pray that the power of God will fall upon them and they will lead their families to Jesus.  That would make this grandma's heart happy.  The greatest joy a mother - or grandmother - could have is to know that her children walk with Jesus.

Blessings!

My heart has been so troubled....

I cannot get the thought out of my mind that no one loved my sister but me.  Oh, they say they loved her, but their words and their lack of words do not show love.  Shouldn't we focus more on the good rather than the bad?  This entire week has weighed heavy on my heart since I got home and have had the time to think back.  Yesterday was a quiet day.  Hubby wanted to take me to breakfast, so we went.  But I wasn't so talkative yesterday and with him being alone (although he went out for several meals with other people in my absence) all week, he wanted talk - and I didn't want to talk.  I wanted to think.  I wanted to process.

I did fix a ribeye in the airfryer last night - tender and juicy once again! and even fixed a potato in it at the same time.  Pretty cool... sliced the potato almost to the end and filled the slices with parmasean cheese and then put butter on top - it came out like a fried potato on top and so good.  Love trying new things.  He commented that was the best meal he had had since I left.   Of course it was.  I was home cooking for him. Afterwards he wanted to watch a movie, but I didn't want to.  I just wanted to be quiet.  So he fussed and wanted to play a game so I gave in and we played three rounds of yahtzee.  He wanted activity about him, movies or games, and I just wanted to be quiet in my thoughts and crochet.  I finally gave up at 8:30PM and said I was going to bed; I had been fighting sleep since about 7PM.  I slept until about 5:30AM which is unusual.  I think the week was just catching up with me.

We had a good storm blow through during the night.  While it was still light, the wind was blowing pretty hard.  As I walked by the window I looked out into our courtyard and saw something laying there.  I went out to look and it was shingles off our roof!  I backed up to look and shingles were flopping all over the roof on the front side.  Hubby went into panic mode and was on the phone with the insurance company wanting someone to come out to take care of it.  And the wind and storm was still happening!  I was a bit irritated at him.... he couldn't even wait until the storm stopped to see what damage there was; he was already on the phone - and they told him take a picture and someone would be out in two days.  I have no idea what he did or how the photo turned out.  Then he came in and complained we have a $1000 deductible.  Well, if we need a new roof, let's figure out how to get it done.  I will offer to pay half and I know he has the money in savings.  But he will complain until he gets me to pay it.   Not a big deal.  God always provides for what we need and I will leave it in His hands.

Hubby did one of his confusing talks over dinner lastnight.  You know, and I know, that he knows the answer.  We have talked about this numerous times over the years; he has talked with our friends about this over the years.  He nags at people about this.  What was it about?  Tithing.  Since I tithe off my social security check, he started tithing off of his.  But what about my paycheck?  I have given him the gross amount of my check numerous times (right now I don't even know how much I make) or an estimate of it, and he was to be tithing it.  Granted, 80% of my check goes into our joint account, but I have 20% going into my personal account since I buy everything for family and for emergencies (as a rule).  The joint account is for bills and his going out to eat with his friends.  He asked if he should be tithing off what he got of my check.  I told him that he could never out give God.  The more we give God, He always blesses us.  Not that that should be the reason we tithe.  But God has provided so many times over the years for us.  When I had the checkbook, I tithed.  But when he took it over, he pays bills first and then decides what to give.  I gave up being frustrated about it.  I finally told him to stop worrying about it; for him to tithe 10% of what is put in the checking account, and I'd take care of the rest.  I can tithe off the gross amount.  Sometimes I don't know if he really forgets and gets confused - or does he bring up these off the wall conversations just so that we can have something to talk about?

He told his doctor that one time - and he is foolish enough to tell me what he told him.  I had asked him to tell his doctor that he seems confused a lot and sometimes will ask questions that make no sense.  So he came home to report that he told his doctor what I wanted him to tell..... and then proceeded to tell me that he also told the doctor he does it so that I will talk to him.   He doesn't realize that a lot of times we don't talk because we have nothing to talk about.  He tries to live his life through me most of the time.  He asks about every detail of my work.  I don't want to talk about work.  He asks what meals I head in Indiana.  How did this go? What did we do? Where did we go?  What did we have to eat?  Did we swim in my sister's pool? Was the meat burned at the cookout?    Questions that annoy me because they make no sense to me.  He has no life.

Hubby is reading a book I bought recently and he asked me over dinner as well, the book states that God has a plan for each of our lives.  How do we know if we are successful at our age, to be in the plan God has.  I plainly told him that age has nothing to do with it.  Age is an excuse.  As I have told him numerous times, take a class and learn something that he can use in the world.  Learn a skill.  Find a hobby.  Volunteer somewhere that can use what he has to offer.  THAT is success.  It isn't about being a leader or in charge of something.  Success is using all that you have to glorify God in all things.  I shared that he could do anything he wanted to do - but he alone has to take that step to do it.  I have begged him to volunteer even at St Mary's food bank - but he doesn't like 'manual labor'.  Never has.  But I tried to help him to see that in volunteering, it is success, for he is helping others.  Sigh.  Will see how much that conversation will help him get out of the house and do something.

Don't mean to put him down or anything.  Just sharing our conversation.  My little sister is the same way.  Only she will sign up to do something at her church - and then not show up.  I've told her that she is showing that she is not dependable, that they can not depend on her because she always has an excuse why.  Usually it is her husband's health (which he is in remission) - but this last time she signed herself up and two of her grandchildren wanted to go with her to help bag rice and beans to be shipped to another country their church supports.  That morning her grandchildren decided they didn't want to go.  So she didn't go either, because she didn't want to go alone.  Don't sign up if you aren't committed to follow through.  Right?   Don't mean to put her down either.  Just a pet peeve with me.  If I get after her too much, she gets depressed and here we go again trying to get her out of the pit.

Oh my - I am being cranky this morning, aren't I?!  My apologies!  

I started in Colossians this morning and Paul was writing to them, although he never had visited them.  But he had heard how they were listening to false teachers and were not following Christ.  And that is what we are called to do.

We are to follow Christ's example in this world.  To love the unlovely.  To care for those who have no one to care for them. (remember Sister Therese?)  To take care of those who have no one to take care of them.  To give until we can no longer give - and give some more.  To be Jesus to this hurting world.  There are so many people who have never heard of Jesus... and we are the only Jesus they will ever hear of.  They need to see 'Jesus' in action - and that is our job.  To be 'Jesus' to them.  To love them when no one else does.  Sometimes it is hard, I get it.  But we are called to do it anyway.

When I think of what my life could have been like had I not run to Jesus, I shudder.  Truly.  It took a second marriage for me to run back to Jesus, but I knew that I could not survive if I didn't have Jesus to help me.  And I still say that.  Life is hard.  I would have left many years ago, if I hadn't depended on Jesus to help me through the tough times.  And I still depend greatly on Him.

Jesus is all you need to live in this crazy, demanding, mixed-up world.  If you don't have Jesus, it just makes it so much harder.  Why keep waiting?  Ask Jesus to forgive your sins and come live within you, so that you too, can live life better.  It's the best thing I ever did.   I am totally, completely, dependent upon Jesus.  If He doesn't help me, I cannot be helped.  If He doesn't heal me, I can't be healed.  If Jesus doesn't live in me, I cannot live.  He has to be my life, my All in All.  He has to be first and foremost.  He has to be ALL.  No matter what happens to me, or through me, or in me, I have to have Jesus.  I can't make it in this world without Him.  And neither can you.

Blessings!

Home...and getting back to routine...

I got home around midnight last night and hubby wanted to sit up and have me share about the day, which I did.  I needed to unwind from the trip and calm down.  I was exhausted, for sure as the day was busy for the most part.  

I didn't sleep well the night before as I was so afraid we'd oversleep and wouldn't get to the funeral on time.  In fact, I woke everyone up at 7:30AM to get ready!  It was nearly a 50 minute drive to get to the funeral location, which was the cemetery.  My sister had purchased a crypt so it was open with a curtain hanging over it so that after the funeral service they could slide her right in it and then put the marble slab back over the opening.  My mama's crypt was just around the corner, and we were able to take flowers from our sister's funeral and place in the vase at Mama's crypt.  My brothers, Sammy and Buddy, are at another cemetery, as well as Buddy's children, but we were unable to visit.

There were about 18 people that attended the funeral service.  Only one was not a relative and yet she was, once removed.  That would be Rita.. who had married my brother  Sammy.  It was funny... I asked my daughter if she remembered her from before she married my brother, we used to go over and swim in her pool.  I remember my oldest son almost drowning in her pool and my jumping in fully clothed and pregnant, to get him out of the pool.  My daughter remembered her, and when I mentioned she had been Sam's 2nd wife, lol, his 3rd wife, Pat, let it be known that she was his third and LAST wife.  It was funny.  I mentioned also that now that my older sister was gone, that I was now the older sister.  I liked what Pat said - "You are the matriarch of the family now".  Wow.  Hadn't thought of it that way.  I am the oldest female in my line.  It does have more prestige than saying I'm the older sister, doesn't it! LOL

The funeral service went well, I think.  I asked for people to say something about Jackie, to share.  No one spoke or moved.  Finally my daughter got up and mentioned about my sister calling her every year on her birthday to sing off key 'happy birthday'.  After she sat down... nothing. I waited.  Nothing.  Finally I mentioned about our phone calls and how lately the phone calls were always "how much weight have you lost?" because and I always played along because she was thrilled to weigh less than me.  No one else spoke a word of kindness about Jackie.

And granted, she wasn't always a nice person, but she was our sister and surely they could have said something kind about her.  But no one else spoke.  And that was sad.  My little brother had told the chaplain at the hospital she was evil and that he had no good memories of her.  How sad is that?  

To pacify my little sister I mentioned that she occasionally called our older sister and would ask if she was ready to die, and always got the answer, "Yes, I'm ready".  I saw a post my little sister put on facebook last night ... sometimes I don't understand her.  She did not like our sister.  She did not want to see her.  She ignored her phone calls and I had to nag at her to call our sister and check on her.  But all of a sudden she is so close to this sister.  It makes me sad for she is wanting everyone to think things that are not true about their relationship.  

It took us four days to get the apartment cleaned out, when it should have taken two.  Three at the most.  My little sister moves as fast as a sloth.  In fact, what is so funny, is that my daughter shared a photo of a sloth and was talking about my granddaughter and great-granddaughter and their love of sloths - and my sister says "I collect sloths".  I looked at her and asked "When did you start collecting sloths?"  (she has none) and she responded "Two weeks ago".  

I've sent up lots and lots of prayers this week because I just don't understand some people.  I am so glad that I live in another state and am not caught up in all the nit-picking and back-biting that goes on in my family.  I got to see my oldest brother and he never spoke against either one, although he does not have a relationship with them.  He just asked how they were doing.  And no, he did not go to the funeral.  He will go to the crypt later.  But the other two siblings, especially my little sister, had plenty to say and made jabs about my going to visit him.  I choose to get along with all my siblings, they don't.  It's their choice.  I don't put them down because they choose to stay away.  

I took today and tomorrow off work and I'm glad I did.  I have around 400 emails I noticed so am thinking I may jump online some time today and get rid of the ones I don't have to do anything with.  Make my inbox look better.  And, it will make Monday morning - with timecards to do - much easier to manage.   Today it is unpacking the suitcase and getting things back in place from my trip away.  Tomorrow I plan to pick up a granddaughter and take her baby clothes shopping and let her stay the weekend with us.  With my son in rehab, the daughter is taking her to her OB appointment tomorrow then dropping her off.  I also have a massage scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and after a week of intense neck pain, which is finally subsiding, I am ready for a good massage to loosen up the stress and all in my neck and shoulders.

I will miss my big sister, although we were not that close.  We did keep in touch frequently, and I have no regrets at all.  If I didn't take her call when she did call me, I called her back.  If she called me six times a day (which she was known to do), or called me at 3AM (which she had), I always took her call.  I listened, and we talked.  We had a relationship.  I still wonder what led her to do what she did.  Yes, she had to have drank the antifreeze on her own accord.  Did she realize that by drinking a cup full that it would kill her?  Had she been taking small drinks of it all along and it only made her weak so that she would fall?  Her death has been ruled accidental.  And I believe it was.  I really do not believe that she meant to kill herself.  It's just the method that throws everyone off.  She had numerous pain pills that she could have swallowed and we would have agreed it was suicide.  But the antifreeze.  And the many questions of 'Why?"  What led her to this?  Her son got out of the psych hosptial that morning and had returned to the apartment.  Was that why she gave up and drank it all?  He went back into the psych ward the next day ... and was unable to attend the funeral.  The hospital didnot want him too for that would have taken him over the edge.  His pets are safe; and he can pick them up anytime.  But he has no place to live.  He was given his mother's car and was told to sell it and use that money to pay a deposit on an apartment for himself.  I feel sorry for him.  He's lost his mother, his pets, and he has absolutely no one who cares about him.  My brother and sister want nothing to do with him, but my brother is the only one he will obey.  I truly hope he can get his life back.

Hoping to get back on track soon, but since I have for several days now, shared some of what was going on, wanted to finish and let you know I'm back home.  And for some reason, I am in no hurry to go back, even to visit.  They need to move on with their own lives, and so do I.

My sister, Jackie, touched each of us in different ways.  She wasn't always kind.  She had a sharp tongue and said hateful things (and my little sister is getting just like her!), but I loved her.  We were not that close, but we were friends as sisters.  She loved me, and I loved her.  

And that's what families just do.  We love in spite of our differences.

Blessings!

It's finally scheduled....

 I've already written a long post tonight but have saved it in draft form for I am frustrated and angry at some things.  I voiced them in that post.  But that isn't what I want you to read.  This will be short as I'm writing this the night before (Tuesday night) and I probably won't have time to write in the morning.

The funeral is finally scheduled for 10AM tomorrow morning.  Please pray for me as I am doing the service.  But also, please pray for me that my sister will quit telling me what SHE wants me to say.  She didn't like the scripture I was lead to share.  She wants the Lord's Prayer at the end of the service.  She wants this and she wants that.  I'm not changing the scripture.  I'm not having everyone say the Lord's Prayer at the end of the service (when did that get to be done at funerals anyway?) and I'm not changing what I have written because she wants me to.

It has been a tough day.  Remember my talking about fish smelling after 4 days?  Well, we've reached the limit and I'm more than ready to go home.  We head back tomorrow night, getting in via Denver around 11PM.

I will explain more next time I post, perhaps.  Things may or may not happen.  Whether or not our nephew comes to tell his mother goodbye is a big issue.  I say he can, she doesn't want him there.  Yeah, my sister and I are feuding about this - and other things.  I'm tired of the jabbing emails and comments.  I want to go home.

So for now, please pray for peace for our family.  I'm holding my tongue.  I don't want to fight with my sister.  She is more than ready for that battle and I'm not going to give it to her.  She is jealous of my relationship with my siblings, with this sister who died, with my daughter.  She has even commented how lucky I am to have a daughter who came with me and is making sure I am taken care of.  I am more than grateful she is taking care of things I wouldn't think about.  She has taken me everywhere I wanted to go and then some.  And she hasn't complained, but did it joyfully.  

Pray for the service, that it will go well.  Pray that if the nephew does come to the service, he won't disrupt it.  Pray that my daughter and I can come home without complications and conflicts.  Pray I won't get in an argument with my sister.  Help me hold my tongue.

Much appreciated.  Until I have a chance to write again.......... please pray for peace.

Even in times like this...

 families can get ugly.  Expected, not expected.  Sigh.  Ugly has reared its head.  I'm disappointed, the comment made that person look jealous, look hateful.  It didn't need to be said.  And I'm choosing to not respond.

The funeral STILL has not been scheduled and we leave tomorrow evening. With the Junteenth or whatever it is holiday, and the insuance company being closed, payment couldn't be confirmed by the assignment company who is fronting the money to the funeral home until the insurance company pays.  That is the current delay.  As far as I know, anyway.  It has been very stressful for some of us, because we are getting emails or tests from friends and family wanting to know when - and we have no answer.

I told my little brother that I have the service typed out and will give the paper to whomever he wants as I have to leave tomorrow night.  The apartment is finaly emptied out of personal things - of my sister's anyway.  The nephew is getting out of the hospital this morning and will be going to the apartment to get his things.  He has been told if he wants any of the furniture he can take it, and the rest will be picked up by Goodwill.  Our part in getting it cleaned out and emptied is done.

My neck is finally feeling better.  It has been with great difficulty to work with my neck pain so bad that it would send chills all over my body - but it is finally getting better.  For that I'm grateful.  I have had some miserable days while here, unable to move about freely.

Today we will go pick up a large enough box to pack some things in that we wanted from my sister's apartment.  My daughter grabbed a couple baskets.  My sister had a few 'boy' baby quilts she had bought at a yard sale and since I get two great-grandsons this year, I took them to pass on from their Great-Aunt.  I picked up a blue ceramic bird.. only for the reason my big sister always called herself 'Bluebird'.  Just a little reminder.  I picked up a few other things but right now don't remember what.  Once I repack the box, I may leave some things here.  Since the funeral isn't scheduled for today, and we went over to visit my big brother yesterday, we don't have anything planned until tonight when we meet my BIL and SIL for dinner.  It wil be a boring day somewhat after all the busyness of the past few days.

The trip has been good, but it is becoming too long.  I'm glad we came, and was able to help with the cleaning out of the apartment.  In fact, if we hadn't, it would still be full of things.  It is definitely a much slower pace here.  You know the saying that after four days a fish begins to smell?  Well, I think we have surpassed the four days.  What will they 'do' with us now that we aren't busy doing something all day?  At least it is just a today and tomorrow - and I think we need to be at the airport by 5-ish.  So glad we got a rental car and are not dependent on anyone.  We are able to get to places on time.  

I was glad to see, as I packed my sister's bedroom in which she lived, that she had a couple Bibles in which she had notes and scriptures written down.  It gives me hope that she truly was ready to leave this earth.  We still have so much uncertainty as to what happened.  Why this route?  Why antifreeze and not pills?  Why? Why?  So many unanswered questions we will never have answers to.  At least she doesn't have to suffer anymore.  As much as she drove everyone crazy, I will miss her.  I really think we were the closest of all.. but I will bet you $20 that before the month is out, somone else will say they were so very close.  Whatever.

And..... because I'm not home, and I am laying in bed writing this again this morning...at 4AM my time.. I'm rambling and not being focused on what I want this blog to be.  And that is ok for now.  I'll be back on track before the week's end, perhaps.  Back home, in my own place.

Psalm 46:10 comes to mind right now... "Be still and know that I am God..."  I am so grateful that during this time I have Him to lean into and be calm and relaxed.  I was able to come here for a reason, and perhaps it was to bring peace to a difficult time.  Lord, please help me to remain calm and at peace.  He knows we need it when ugly comes out.

Hope you have an amazing day!

Blessings!

Another early morning...

It was around 1AM 'my time' that I awakened this morning... My body is still on 'my time' and just hasn't been able to adjust to the time here.  I'm ready to go home, I think.  Oh - and since I'm laying in the bed typing this, please forgive all the typing errors - I'm not going to worry about them today.

We did take a day of rest yestrday and family came over for the cookout.  Nephew did a great job on the grill and the hamburgers were perfect.  Also had brats, wings, and hotdogs.  Lots of food!  My niece made a delicious from scratch macaroni and cheese dish that I  got the recipe for.  So good!  After they left I couldn't stay awake so laid down and slept pretty deep for about a half hour.  

Still no set date for the funeral and we leave in two days.  We are hoping it will come about tomorrow.  I did spend time yesterday preparing the service.  Sigh.  I mentioned to my little sister what scripture I felt drawn to... and she let me know she didn't agree.  Sometimes I feel like she just likes to disagree with me on about everything.  I want to finalize it today, just in case we have the funeral before we head home.  It will be very short, and I'll give others opportuniity to share their memory.

My daughter and I plan to get out of here by 9AM this morning and head over to the apartment to finish everything up.  My sister has decided that she also will go over early.  We are starting to 'butt heads' on some things, which isn't unusual with us being together so much.  I get so tired of walking on eggshells, though.  She wants to go to the apartment and sweet the floors, and mop the tile kitchen.  She wants to wipe down things.  It's all well and good, but, the carpet will need to be replaced, as will the tile in the kitchen.  

And then there is the issue of the nephew is getting out of the hospital this morning.  We all know the first place he will head is to the apartment, as he has no other place to go.  Neither my daughter, nor my sister, want to see him.  My sister says he will be confrontational once he sees everything is gone and his clothes are folded and ready for him to take.  His pets are also gone, and I'm hoping our little brother has explained about them.  Anyway, my little sister was very argumentive with me about the possibility of him showing up.  I told her that if he does show up while we are there, we need to show him compassion, and tell him how sorry we are for his own loss.  Help him get this things out of the apartment, ask for his key, and let him go.  Yes, he will be emotional, more than likely.  His whole world has been taken away form him, however it has happened.  I feel we need to show compassion; she is afraid he will lose it and "I've never had a confrontation with him and I don't want to now."  I finally asked her "what would Jesus do?" - and walked away.  Did I hear about it later!  For some reason, whenever I walk away from her during a 'discussion', she accuses me of stomping my feet and walking away mad.  No, I choose not to argue with someone who won't listen.  She was so mad at me last night that she was going to bed without even telling me goodnight.  Leave it to my daughter to try and smooth things by saying I was talking about her.   

So off to the apartment this morning, and then after we finish there want to run over to my older brother's to see him for a short while.  Schedules have been such we haven't been able to connect.  So we will visit, then come back for dinner with my younger brother.  Tomorrow, hopefully, the funeral and then we have dinner with my hubby's brother and wife.  Wednesday ... either the funeral or a day of packing and shipping some thigns back home so that we don't have to pack it.  Frontier doesn't even allow carry on luggage so we have to pack everything.  We will be getting in around 11PM I think Wednesday evening at 'home'.  I'm ready to go home.

Although I know I will miss this sister who passed away, as I've mentioned before, with living so far away, our 'visits' were by phone.  Some weeks we would talk several times, other weeks would pass by without a call.  I have no regrets.  I talked to her the Tuesday before she passed.  We said our 'goodbye and I love you'.  I'm grateful for that.

It's still 3 hours before my daughter will be getting up ... and here I am at 2:41AM (my time - 5:41AM here) fairly awake.  Don't want to go to the kitchen; many nights the BIL is asleep in the recliner.  I guess he usually sleeps in the bedroom my daughter has.  The beds here are so comfortable, but after awhile you just hare to get up cause theya re too comfortable.

Think I will sign off and read my Bible and see what God says to me today.  I desperately need to hear from Him about some things.  Life is hard, and I need His instruction, His direction.  Just three more days.  Lord, please give me strength to get through this, help me hold my tongue when I need to.  Let Your compassion for those hurting to flow through me.  Empty me of my own feelings and help me to feel what they feel.  Help me to let You love them through me.  Life is hard, and letting go of those you love is so very hard.  

I love you, Lord.  Thank you for opening my eyes to things I needed to see.  Although I don't understand some things, You walk me through them.  Please guide my thoughts, and my reactions/actions that result.  Help me to care for others likeyou do.  Ignore the jabs and comments; and just love them.  Help me be Jesus to those hurting.  Thank you, Lord.

Appreciate your prayers as things come together.  Help us to love one another.

Blessings

Sunday - perhaps a short day of rest...

We have pretty much finished up at the apartment.  There are a few more things we need to take care of - like emptying the storage room on the second floor.  But, we were able to peek into it and it doesn't look bad, just a large suitcase and two-three boxes.  So grateful things don't appear to be thrown into it, but stacked.  We will probably go over this morning and take care of it.

My daughter wasn't thrilled when I suggested a day of rest today - after all, it is Sunday.  I know we need to get it done and she has been such a great help.  She has been the pusher to keep at it and get it done.  If we didn't come out here, honestly, they would have been working on it for at lesat another month.  Yes, the apartment was that bad... but it is more the midwest process of a sloth. Everyone out here works at a slow pace. LOL  I laughed yesterday when my daughter used that term, but it was correct.  We would have liked to get an early start every morning, but it has been around noon before we could get out of here.  I think a minimum of 5 car loads have been taken over to Goodwill.  That doesn't count what we threw away.  I'm thinking we are finished except for what Goodwill will pick up and what my brother needs to take.

My neck has been still very painful but I have been pushing through. I'm still praying that God will completely heal it - immediately, of course.  This week of all weeks to have neck pain!  I don't mind hard work, but it is difficult to stay focused when my neck twinges and chills shoot through my body.  But for the most part, I forget about the discomfort when I am working.  It is when I pause to think about what I'm doing.

It really has been difficult to go through my sister's 'things' and pack, throw away, decide what to keep for someone.  It has been very difficult.  It has shown me that we definitely need to have things in place for when that final day comes, you are never ready.  Sister had told brother  that everything was in place.  She lied.  But in fairness, she did have her crypt paid for.  I know she had a book at one time titled 'When I die' - but we have been unable to locate it.  She had told me about it a few years back and she ordered me one.  No, Ihaven't filled it out yet.  I think I started it.  Going through this, I may just finish it when I get home.  Not fair to anyone to have to walk thorugh this journey with all the questions we have had.

I guess we are having a potluck today and my sister's son who lives here and his family are coming over as well as our niece and her family.  Swim and hamburgers on the grill.  It was planned yesterday afternoon when we came here after finishing up yesterday.  It will be nice to see everyone.  I think my daughter and I will head over to the apartment for a quick look-see at the storage unit this morning.   I did need the rest, although I was up about two hours after we went to bed.  We ate late for me, and the pizza and breadsticks/cheese decided it didn't have enough time to digest.  I've been awake for a bit, thanks to my neck.  Wish I could just hibernate in here today. 

The obit has been uploaded and can be found at Conkle.com.  The funeral home will update with date/time once everything else gets in place.  I think they are pushing now for Tuesday morning.  Which means my time for preparation is getting much shorter and I do need to try and work on it sometime today.  I wish I could have found my notes from my brother's funeral 20 years ago.    It's never easy, but the one thing my mentor told me years ago when I did my brothers' funeral... "just remember, it isn't about you, it's about the person who died".  And that is correct.  Same with a wedding; it's about the bride and groom.  

I apologize that my ramblings the past few days are full of personal things.  Part of it is to keep me focused and on track for why we are here.  Also to update on what we are doing.  I feel like I've lost some time somewhere, and I'm struggling to catch up.  Now that the apartment is basically finished, the funeral plans are in place, once the funeral is over, perhaps we can focus on returning home.  It will be good to be back in my own bed, although this one is very comfortable!

Indiana is having a heat wave... and both - my daughter and I - wear our sweaters in the morning and evening.  During the day we definitely work up a sweat in the aparmtent!  Even I do - and I don't sweat!  A turtle cluster blizzard yesterday helped cool me down.  That was our breakfast/lunch.  

I guess I will stop my rambling and get dressed.  It doesn't sound like anyone is up yet, but I am sure my daughter is.  It's not even 6AM yet at home, but we both don't get to sleep late as a rule. I prefer getting up early and having some time with God.  He starts my day off and keeps me on track.

Think I'm going to just enjoy this quiet for a few minutes.  I need a hug from my Abba this morning.  I need His strength for today.

Blessings!

The pain is real...

 Yesterday was a very productive day as far as getting things completed at my sister's apartment.  We threw things away; we bagged/boxed up for Goodwill (and took two loads over with a third load ready to go first thing this morning), and we are finally seeing where we have made difference.  Relationships between faimly members - including me - are getting strained at times.  I'm choosing to try NOT to react, but just do what I'm asked to do.  It's frustrating because I don't have all the information about what is going on and I'm being told eo do some 'reach out'.  And I'm busy trying to get things completed and packed.

Situations between family can get really stretched during this time, I'm finding out.  I didn't expect it for sure, thought we'd pretty much band together.  Perhaps part of it is Father's Day weekend.  I wish we had waited a week to come out.  Talk about making us feel like we are in the way.  At least my sister isn't commenting about doing something for her hubby (which she doesn't usually, she said) and we aren't included. Some plans I had made in my mind kind of fell by the wayside.  Oh well.  

Family feuds are horrible and at times like this should just be laid aside.  But stubbornness is prevalent in my family and so it is.  It's painful for the rest of us.  I keep receiving comments from one sibling about running everything by another one... and I haven't seen nor talked to the other one!  No I'm not running everything by them - like I said, it's frustrating and painful.  I'm wishing I was home.

Speaking of pain... my neck started hurting a few days before I left.  I had been putting arthritic cream on it and it had helped.  Sitting up all night on the plane, and my head bobbing, trying to sleep, did not help at all and I have been in near constant pain since Wednesday.  Today is Saturday.  I bought 'Icy Hot' yesterday and used the patches as well as the cream, trying to get relief.  I'm thinking I may have a pinched nerve - my twingles of pain at times will send chills all over my body.  

I woke up 'early' this morning - still not sure exactly what time it is.  My iphone converted to the time here, but my fitbit did not.  But how could it be so early?  So confused!  I finally got up and put some more icy hot on my neck.  Plugged in my fitbit (it was still showing 11PM something.)... my iphone was saying 2AM something... I thought we went to bed late... had my fitbit given me the wrong time?  But we are 3 hours behind.... I have no idea what time it is - but looking at my computer right now it shows 12:34Am... which means it must be 3:34AM here.  I've been 'up' for over an hour, trying to get relief for my neck.  At the moment I am sitting on the floor with my back up against the wall in my room, typing this.  Praying for relief.  Oh, and I have a cold wash cloth against my neck.  It doesn't seem to be bringing much relief.  May try to see if I can get in for a massage... something to release the tension I have built up in my back and neck due to the pain.

Little brother wants the entire family get together at a restaurant and I suggested Monday evening as Father's Day will make things crowded as well as some people having plans. He has hopes his daughter will visit him on Father's Day so it is off limits anyway.  Our older brother also has plans for today and tomorrow with father-in-law and his own son/himself 'celebration' of father's day.   As he kept naming people that needed to be invited, he mentioned our older berother and his family - who they have not talked to since 2004.  And I'm being put in the middle.  He also mentioned a granddaughter of our sister... and I commented that this granddaughter hated our sister, and had nothing to do with her - and refused to even let her see the great-grandchildren.  That's when my brother went off on me... and he broke down and started crying.  From regret of things said in the past?  Pained because of our family situation which even the death of our sister will not change?  I chose not to take sides then - and I choose not to take sides now.  Sometimes we have to just leave things alone; make the offer, but leave it alone.  It has been so hard to be here.  I don't have any regrets with my big sister; I called her, I sent her gifts; I kept in touch.  Because others didn't and they perhaps feel guilty... well, it is painful.  It is always easier to point fingers than look within oneself and accept responsibility.

Sounds like my brother in law is sleeping in his recliner as I hear snoring coming from the front room.  He often does sleep there as his cancer gives him so much pain he can't get comfortable in bed.  He has lost so much weight that I'm reminded of one of my grandsons waistline... well, perhaps not quite that small.  Perhaps 30 inches.

My  daughter has been such a great help in getting things done.  Being on 'midwest' time has proven difficult for both of us.  We want to get an early start, but arriving late morning to start does frustrate some.  We went fro breakfast yesterday morning - then to pick up boxes and trash bags before heading to the apartment.  Took awhiel to get all that done.  Had to get chocoalte too - just to get through the day!!  I bought cereal for us to have this morning, hoping to get an earlier start. The way my neck is hurting though, I may have to try for a massage - but I can't see getting in today - and if they are as busy as they are at home - it could not even happen here.  

It is 4AM .. still pitch black outside.  Why am I awake?!  Oh that my neck will stop hurting so I can rest.  I must try to sleep at least an hour;  I have been going at too fast a pace not to rest - had over 11K in 'steps' yesterday.  And we still have lots to get done.  I need to work on the service as well; hoping to take a few hours on Sunday to pull it together.  Still do not have a date.  The nephew is due to get out of the hospital... what are we supposed to do when he shows up?  He knows he can't stay there... it puts us in a bad position.  It breaks my heart; he lost his mother, his petrs have been removed (which he can get back at a later date), but to be homeless too.  Life is so very hard sometimes.

And with that, I am going to hush and try to rest.  Praying constantly for review of this pain.  Would appreciate your prayers as well.  Pray too that I will be wise in dealing with family and not let my own emotions play into things.  Help me to be loving and kind regardless of how they are to me.

Forgive my mistakes as I type; 

It was a very long day...

After literally flying all night to get here, yesterday was also a very long day.  Arriving around 10AM, my daughter and I rented a car and headed to my little sister's house to unload our suitcases and figure out where we go from there.  The midwest moves a lot slower than where we are from, for sure.  I mean that as a joke.  We rode with my little sister to meet our brother at the funeral home he chose. We were to be there by 2PM.... well, we arrived closer to 2:30PM and he was waiting on us. We still have not found anything that gives us my sister's wishes for her funeral so are proceeding without it.  To save on expenses, I will be putting together her service.  Nothing to be done at the funeral home; they will embalm her and we chose an inexpensive casket to place her in.  They will put her obituary on their website and her name in the paper.  All information will be maintained on their website - Conkle Funeral Home.  

We do not have a set date for the funeral service nor a time.  We had hoped to do it on Monday, but with complications thrown in, her bank account was closed when my brother went to clean it out - and told the bank she had died and he was the POA.  Well, the POA ceases to exist (which we didn't know) once the person dies.  We should have used the debit card to withdraw the money before he told the bank.  Instead, they closed the account and no one can access the money until they see a copy of the death certificate.  Which, also unfortunately, will be late in forthcoming (as in 45-60 days) due to the complications of my sister's death.  We do have a letter from the coroner's office, stating her date of death, but it isn't enough to be allowed anything.  My brother let me see the will; she left basically everything to my brother and his wife to take care of, dispose of, with no one else mentioned, not even her children.  With that, my assumption is that everything goes to my brother and sister in law, who, by the way, are unable physically (plus don't want to), help with anything at the apartment.  Anything of value we are giving to them.

I understand one insurance policy was found and we are assuming it is still in effect.  A claim has been put on it and my brother is assigning a portion of it to the funeral home to handle the cost of everything.  Unfortuantely here as well, the funeral home cannot proceed without confirmation from the insurance company they will be paid and that is taking even longer, and here it is Friday.... we were hoping for a funeral on Monday but they said that it will be minimum Tuesday or Wednesday. An alternative solution is putting it on ones' credit card so that we can move ahead with things.  Brother said he could do that, but didn't want to.  I didn't offer.  He is the beneficiary of the policy.  My plane leaves Wednesday evening.  We are hoping at the very latest, have the service Wednesday morning or early afternoon.  

After nearly 3 hours at the funeral home getting things put together, us girls (3 of us - my little sister, my daughter, and me) headed to my older sister's apartment to start the packing process.  Oh my goodness.  Between the heat and mugginess of the outside, the inside was much worse.  I do not sweat, as a rule.  I was drenched as I packed closthes and so were the others.  My daughter was throwing things away from the pantry - food that expired in 2017 if that explains anything - lots and lots of makeup - what a mess.  I packed clothes from the closet (only half way through one closet and have 4 boxes already) and my sister worked in a corner of the bedroom in boxes and containers that our sister had stacked up.  After a few hours doing that, I was physically and mentally drained and called a halt.  My neck has continued to give me intense pain (not sure if it is arthritis or a pinched nerve, but it was hurting before I left to come out here. The pain sends chills all over my body) but the work would mostly distract from that.  With flying all night and very little sleep, the stress of the funeral decisions, no food beyond a package of pretzels on the plane for 'breakfast' and a few cookies at my sister's, I insisted we stop and pick up something to eat and call it a day.  

Once we got back to my little sister's, I had to create the obituary since no one else had.  Got it done, everyone reviewed it, and I sent it to the funeral home for them to use.  I'm not sure when we went to bed, but it was very late.  Hubby called me during the evening upset I hadn't called him... and the call was all static again even though he upgraded to a '13'.... is it my phone now?  UGH.  I couldn't hear half of what he said due to the static and I didn't feel like listening to step by step of his day.  I wasn't rude, but he got angry and let me go.  After a shower I hit the bed and slept sooooo very well.  Awoke early this morning and since I got up, my neck is once again roaring its pain.  Pain-killers and cream has not helped at all.

My daughter and I awakened early since we have the time difference; the brother in law just got up and my sister is still in bed.  We wanted to get an early start this morning.  I insisted we get a good breakfast in us before heading over as I need to have food to get through the day if we are doing that much work, and my daughter being a diabetic, needs to eat also.  It will probably be late morning before we get back to the apartment, mainly because my sister doesn't move that fast.  

I understand the nephew is to be getting out of the psych hospital today or tomorrow and will be by to pick up his things.  He has no place to go now so don't know what he will do.  I found an email from my little brother this morning for ME to find our niece's telephone number and call her.  She does not plan to come back for the funeral - and won't be back at all - unless her mother left her something of value.  Which she did not.  So she will not attend the funeral, but I do expect the son to be there.  The funeral will be very small, in the chapel, and I do expect a few friends to attend.

But for today, after breakfast is working on the apartment again.  I'm praying that I can get my neck pain to go away so that I can focus on what needs to be done.  Since I AM the older sister... feels like a lot is being given to me to handle.  I have to put my emotions aside for now and deal with what is before me.

I know my thoughts are rambling this morning.  My neck is hurting really bad.  My brother in law is rambling his thoughts about things I care nothing about.. and I'm trying to write here.  So, I will hush. I need to get dressed then get my sister up and perhaps an hour later can get us out for breakfast and get done what we can today.  We just move a bit faster than this when there is work to be done.

And in all of this chaos, I still choose to remain 'still' and wait for the Lord to tell me what to do.  Help me not to give in to my instincts, but to trust in His plan.

This is very hard for me, for although my sister and I were not as close as my little sister and I were, I did keep in contact with her nearly weekly.  In fact, I talked with ehr last on Tuesday, and Wednesday morning all this started.  The coroner has said it was 'accidental'... which is helpful with the insurance policy as intentional voids it.  So much we do not know.

Appreciate your prayers and thoughts as we go through things and process all that needs to be done.  In the meantime, I will be still, and know that He is God and I am not.

Blessings!

And here we are.....

 I have so much to get done today but am confident it will flow together.  I put in for not only the rest of this week off, but all next week as well.  Monday through Wednesday are bereavement days given to by my company.  Thursday and Friday I am taking off to 'rest up'.  And I hope to have a granddaughter stay with me next weekend as she was to stay this weekend and it had to be moved out.  I'm sure I'll need down time once I get back, for the time in Indiana will be very busy, I'm sure, for the most part.

I started my packing yesterday but am far from finished.  Of course I have all day to pack as I work, and I'm hoping to get a short nap or two in late afternoon, early evening, as well.  Doubtful I can, but it would be nice.  I think I'll drink a 'Bang' early evening.... it's equivalent to two cups of coffee... maybe that will help me think clearly as we travel.  Middle seats for both of us... could not get seats together.  Since the others paid for their aisle or window seat, it is doubtful we can get someone to change with one of us.  So, I've prayed that someone will offer.  I'll leave that in God's hands.  He will put us right where He wants us. I don't mind the middle seat.  When hubby and I travel he always takes it and allows me the window seat. 

My brother picked up the letter from the coroner yesterday so that he can close the bank account and work on getting other things completed and closed.  He sent me a copy of the letter and in it the letter stated that due to the 'investigation' going on, they could not issue a death certificate yet.  Also, they messed it up.  The letter stated she passed away at home on June 11th @ 6:09PM.  That isn't true.  She had been in the hospital since Wednesday morning; and she died @ 6:12PM.  An administrative assistant typed the letter out and signed it, and even once calling 'her' a 'him'.  Oh well.  As long as my brother can get things taken care of with the letter, that is what counts.  

He finally put it on facebook last night about our sister's death... interestingly, it was 'his' sister.  That's ok, it is 'his' facebook post.  Several cousins had not heard the news yet so it was good he let it be known.  I text'd a niece and she responded during the night that she had not heard.  Another family friend and I wrote back and forth last night.  Several people have expressed interest in attending a funeral.  I still don't know what my brother wants me to do, if anything.  Hopefully, our sister has her service totally arranged and paid for, as she had told him it was.  If not, I have offered to help with the service and will be working on it some today to get an outline put together.  Wish I knew where I had put the index cards I had used to write out my brother's service back in 2002.  A lot of time has passed since then.  

The family 'left' still questions the 'why' of this situation.  It is so totally unlike our sister.  Why?  Because if this was going to be her PLAN, she would have gone and gotten her hair done, and her nails as well.  Seriously.  Who wants to die looking like an old hag?  She would have wanted to died looking good!  Yet, her hair was all over the place and her nails grown out.  It just makes no sense.  And we may never know the truth.  Could we handle the truth?  My little brother commented to you when I said I really wanted the truth to come out .... "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"   Yes, I remember, and that was a great movie!

I won't be typing anything in here tomorrow morning, but I am planning to take my laptop in my suitcase.  Being as we will be busy from the time we arrive tomorrow morning, I may wait until Friday morning (which seems so far away) to update.  Just trying to process my own thoughts as I ramble on in here.  I'm sure I have repeated myself numerous times over the past week.  I keep going over and over in my mind the conversation with the chaplain my brother and sister had... happy thought?  "There were none".  And what is even sadder, I can't think of anything specific, but can remember her having the family gatherings at her house for years.  I wasn't a part of most as I live in another state.  

We all keep waiting to find that 'list' we are sure she kept on each one of us.  'The List'?  LOL  Whenever she would ask one of us to do something for her, if we refused, she would start stating all the things she had ever done for us - from babysitting our children to buying groceries or helping out in another way.  We always were sure she kept a list written down so that she could remind us of all she had done for us over the years.  Yep, I think each one of us have had our 'list' quoted to us.

I am so glad that Jesus doesn't keep a 'LIST' on me, cause it would be pretty long, I'm afraid.  All the things He has done for me, is far greater than what any other person could have done.  Jesus went all the way, and gave His LIFE for me.  And for you.  It isn't keeping a list of all He has done - on the cross, He FINISHED the list.  Isn't that amazing?  There is no list kept with Him.  It's all HIM.  He took all my lists and nailed them to the cross.   Thank You, Jesus!

Lord, thank You for Your sacrifice, that I can live without a list of all my wrongs and all the times You have pulled me through.  You rescued me when I didn't even know I needed rescued.  Or even wanted rescued.  You reached down and pulled me out of the mirey pit and set my feet on solid ground, and I will forever be grateful to You.  Father, as we travel, would You please grant us travel mercies and get us where we are going safely.  Please be with hubby as he will be home alone.  Help him not to fall or become confused, but be His comfort while I am away.  To You, O Lord, be glory, all honor, and all praise.  Thank You for being my God, in Whom I place my trust. Amen.