Angels unaware?

 I always check to see if my son has written in his blog, and even though he has chosen to step away for awhile, I still check.  This morning I read about an incident he had and how angry he was about it.  Justifiably so.  Totally get it.  But I am so proud of him for doing what he was nudged to do.  Even gave up his drink, which the man probably needed desperately.  Liquid.  Cold.  Tasty. Sweet Tea.  Something my son loves.  He gave it up, along with food.  I wanted to comment on his blog and tell him how proud I am of him, and did so, but then deleted it.  I miss him, but I will respect his wishes and leave him alone right now.  He used to read my blog, perhaps he still does, to figure out what in the world is mom up to now... and if so, perhaps he will read this one.

The thought has come to me of the scripture about 'entertaining angels unaware'.  We don't know who the man was my son gave food and drink to, but we do know that he was created by God.  His circumstances may be such that he fell on hard times and was evicted, homeless.  We don't know.  It is not our job to judge others and what happens to them whether it is by their wrong choices, or by life circumstances.  But this man could also have been an angel sent by God to see who would look upon him and help him; giving of himself versus taking away.  My son could have driven around that building after he had given him food and drink and find the man totally disappeared.  He could have been an angel.  Regardless, a man was helped without any thought of getting anything in return.  I'm a proud mama.

I can remember when an angel stopped to help us.  I am confident it was an angel.  My suburban had overheated late one night coming home from Prescott Valley.  We had pulled off the side of the road - no lights around anywhere.  We sat in the car and prayed for help.  Immediately a truck pulled up behind us and a man walked up and told us that the Holy Spirit had told him to stop.  Did we need anything?  We told him the sub had overheated.  He popped open the hood, with a flashlight saw what the problem was, and imagine this - he took a trimming off a tree, whittled it to fit, and rerouted the hose and plugged something with the tree piece, and sent us on our way.  He followed us all the way to a mile away from our home, (he had told us where he was going to turn off the freeway before we left) and was gone.  Would not accept pay, would not take anything but our thank you, and went on his way.  We definitely believe he was an angel.

Reminds me of a movie we watched recently on Netflix.  I think it was Full Count....  the youngest son had recommended it.  Great movie.  

God sends his angels everywhere to see how we will react around them.  Will we ignore them?  Will we help them?  Will we be kind, be gracious?  God will reward those who take care of His own.  How do we know who are angels and who are not?  Can't say/  I'm sure I've missed some good opportunities for various reasons to help someone in need.   And sometimes we are the ones who are in need.  Maybe not material wise, but spiritual wise.

Maybe it is you or I who need someone to come along side us and tell us that we matter, that we are loved.  Sometimes it is you or I who just need someone to notice us, and to give us value.  And sometimes God will bring those people in to our lives to lift them up and help them along the way.

May we all become more aware of those around us, those that need a helping hand.  We hear those stories all the time where groceries are bought for someone who doesn't have enough money to pay, or a house payment is made, or a special need is left in front of the house, a yard is landscaped, a house is painted, a roof is fixed.... the list can go on and on.   There are some who are takers, and there are a lot that are givers.  And, there are refusers who do not want anyone to help them.  They are the ones who push God's blessings upon them away.

Which are you?  Are you a giver, giving out of what God has given you.... or are you a taker, always having your hand out for what people will give you - whether you need it or not?  Or a pusher - don't need nor want anyone's help - for whatever reason?

I've learned that everything I have does not belong to me.  I can't take it with me.  If anyone wants something, let them tell me.  If I'm not needing to use it, they can have it.  If someone has a need, let me know, and if I can help, I will.  God has blessed us with so much; how can we not share it?  

I would rather entertain an angel unaware however I can, than hold on to things and mind my own business.  I could definitely miss a meal or two.  Lord, if someone is in need, would You bring them to us that we may entertain Your angels unaware.  Let us be Your hands and feet in this crazy, hurting world.  So many people have their hands out to take from others.  Help us to see who really needs something; tug at our hearts by Your Holy Spirit, that we will know it is 'that one' You want us to help. But by Your mercies O God, it could be us there.  Thank You for taking care and supplying our every need.  We have been in need before, and You sent Your angels to provide what was needed, even without our asking.  Thank You.

This may be my last post for awhile.... I debated about writing this morning, but I love to share things and decided to 'just do it'.  I will be praying while I'm away.... no vacation from that.  I pray, too, that God will bless you and keep you, and keep you safe and from harm.  May you be His instrument to help others along the rough path.  May you always entertain strangers, unaware they may be angels.

Hebrews 13:2 (NKJV)  "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing some have unwittingly entertained angels."

Blessings.

Touching base...

 We had company over the weekend and they sleep here in my 'office', my 'quiet room', my 'reading' room, my 'writing room'.  All of those things and sometimes even 'my bedroom'.    I knew with having to move my reading, quiet time, etc. to the front room for a couple days would make it more difficult to have the quiet I need to focus on what I write (yes, I try to focus as I write), so I left the computer in the room.  We had a nice weekend and now we are back to normal and I'm in my room.  I debated on even writing this morning as I haven't  for a couple days and I said I was going to take a sabatical for awhile.  But you know what?  I missed touching base here before I start my day.  

Yes, a lot of what I write is nonsense, and some is just fill-in stuff, but it shows whoever reads this that I lived for that day.  For some reason I keep thinking of that, of which I wrote about a few posts ago.  This blog is a witness that I lived to those whom I do not see often or have contact with.  Granted, I don't know (again) who all reads this, but I vaguely know who all I gave the address to many years ago when I started it.  Who knows, at some point they may find that note and think they will read.  Does it matter in the big aspect of life?  No.  It doesn't.  

But I enjoy writing in here and have never thought that I 'had' to.  It has been a place I can share a part of my life; better than my writing in a journal.  Although that might be what I do while I am away.  I may go back to writing in my journal for I may need to remember something that I'd like to share.  I toyed with the idea of taking my laptop with me again - afterall, I did buy a backpack with that thought in might.  I thought I'd take my laptop and put it and a couple other things in my backpack and just carry on board the plane with me, and everything else in the suitcase.  I don't know.... I think it is being gone 13 days that I feel I need to check the computer - but for what?  I have my emails on my phone.  Although I can get my work emails on this computer, I don't want to be tempted to work; I want to totally disengage from work.

We leave on our trip Wednesday morning.  I see midwest White Castles on the horizon when we arrive.  My sister, who is picking us up, started that tradition years ago.  When she picks me up at the airport, she either already has the white castles, or we stop on our way to her place.  It's tradition.  It will be 'supper' for Wednesday evening.  I finally have the itinerary finalized, I think, and have sent it out to those that wanted it.  If family wants a copy of it, they can request and I'll send it over, just so they know where we are.

Sheeba will go to the pet hotel tomorrow morning.  This is going to be an expensive stay, with us being gone so long.  But, as I told hubby, this may be our very last trip for awhile so want us to enjoy it.  We are staying a week longer than we normally do so that we can spend more quality time with family.  I even gave in and rented a car for a week of the time we are there.  For right now the trip is paid for, the car is paid for.... so it's just Sheeba and whatever we do there.  But, speaking of Sheeba..... we are giving her away to a friend of a friend who already is in love with her.  Interestingly, he came over last night to spend some time with her as he had not met her before.  At first she barked at him and ran from him - which is the first time she has done that to anyone.  By the time they left about an hour later, she had warmed up to him and he took her walking up and down the block.  He is currently dog-sitting two dogs so could not take her now, but will be ready to upon our return.  Hubby and I are both struggling with this decision to let her go.  And she will be our very last dog.  Since my diagnosis of osteopenia and the doctor giving me the 3rd degree on not falling and bumping into things that could break my bones, and hubby sometimes falling as well (although he isn't diagnosed with it, he does get hurt and can break something), I made the decision we had to do something.  It won't be easy to let her go.  The gentleman who wants her lost his german shepherd about 6 years ago and is now ready to replace her.  He has a back yard in which she can run in, and a doggie door in which she can come and go.  If she can get through it.   She has gotten pretty big and at 119 pounds, lots of muscle in her body.  Hubby is already flip-flopping, and my heart is too, on letting her go.  But, she's too young to stay cooped up and we're too old to trip over her or try to walk and be pulled to the ground.  And yes, she is trained, but she loves to play with other dogs and off she goes.  Remember her pulling me across ours and the neighbors yard a few months ago?  I was lucky nothing got broke.  I asked the gentleman to think about it while we are gone and we can get back together when we return.  It's a tough decision, but a healthy one, for Sheeba, and for us.

Speaking of my osteopenia.... I picked up the medication I am to take for it.  Fosamax.  Yes, it has a lot of side effects and I'm scared to even start it.  It is one table weekly and first thing in the morning - only with water - and one has to remain upright (sit/stand) for a minimum of 30 minutes after taking it.  Only then can I have my coffee or eat anything.  Side effects include back pain, esopageal pain, ulcers, and a lot more.  This is what gets me - after 3-5 years on this - it gave several examples of people just walking across the street and get a sharp pain in the thigh - and they go get it x-rayed and the thigh bone is broken.  No bumping into anything, just walking.  Google it - and you will see all the side effects.  I have my pills, but haven't started them yet.  After reading it all, I decided I was going to wait until we returned from vacation before I started them.  I didn't want to be in pain or have issues while on vacation.  I figure that if I didn't know I had it before, I can survive 3 more weeks without having to take the pills.  I'm really scared to take them.  I talked to my brother as he had taken them... he said it gave him Barretts Disease... and they ended up changing him to another drug.... and now he takes Prolia (I think) which is a shot every six months.  Yipes.  Is that what I have ahead of me?  I know one of the things I can do is work out with weights and I am doing that now, but I need to be more consistent and work out harder.

I had 10-12 inches of my hair cut off the other day.  It was below the bra strap and I love my hair long.. but hubby does not, so I had to wear it up all the time.  I decided to get it cut and colored for our trip, and I really like it.  It is still below the shoulders and I got bangs too - although they continuously part as they always have.  Hubby's first comment when I came in (with it down, of course) was "Well, I like the color".  Isn't that nice.  I had it highlighted.  A little later he commented that I had some cut off.  Well, yes I did.  That is all he had to say about my hair.  Sigh. Everyone else I sent photos of it to (my boss, my sister), all said they loved it.  I love my hair long and I will continue to keep it long.  Some people say I'm wrong; I should cut it short because that is what hubby wants, but I tell him I am not his first wife (who wore her hair very short) and I like it long and I will wear it long.  I wore my hair short for years because of his comments about my hair.  I have rebelled the past few years and let it grow.  Even a pastor we had told hubby that a woman's hair is her glory... but that didn't matter to him.  Enough of that.

I guess I have caught you up on my life... have already started packing with the things I had laid out so that I wouldn't forget.  I never lost the twenty pounds I was hoping to have lost.  I love food too much.  But, I had cut back... but I guess my lack of movement wouldn't let me lose, and I didn't eat enough to gain (which is a good thing).  But I am about 25 pounds heavier than I was back in 2013 on our last trip.  Oh well.  Love me for me, and not for what I look like.  Body or hair.

I probably will stop writing as of today... working today and tomorrow and then shutting the computer down for two weeks.  I sometimes think of pushing the retirement issue with hubby, but I would lose all my 'freedom' that I currently have.  Not only would he take all that I have hidden away financially, but I would not be able to go anywhere.  I wouldn't be able to plan anything for he has to control all our finances and things.  I would literally be in a prison.  At least with working I have contact with the outside world.  Oh, it probably wouldn't be as bad as I make it sound, but those that know my situation, know how it can be.  I am better off working, and I think that is why God keeps me at it.  I still have to laugh at all the job offers I get in my emails daily.  I'm serious.  When my boss mentioned she was thinking about retiring but decided to wait 3-4 years until she turned 65, I checked around to see what was in my area - and found a position or two open in the same building as my doctor's office - which is 6 miles away.  Wouldn't that be great?  But, for now, as long as my boss is going to stay, I will too.  My favorite boss. :-)

Ok - need to go and get dressed; get the work computer fired up and ready to go.  I pray that you will have a good day; and a good couple weeks while we are away.  

May the Lord bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you.  May He turn His face toward you, and give you peace.

Blessings!

Tell me if He's Good....

A song that came out recently by David Crowder I really like.  It's called "Good God Almighty". I have found myself singing it often, although I don't know all the words to it by heart.  Looked them up - here are the lyrics:

"I can't count the times I've called Your name some broken night / And You showed up and patched me up like You do every time / I get amnesia, I forget that You keep coming around / Yeah, ain't no way You'll ever let me down (me down)

Good God Almighty / I hope You find me / Praising Your name no matter what comes / Cause I know where I'd be without Your mercy / So I keep praising Your name at the top of my lungs

Tell me, is He good? (He's good) / Tell me, is He God? (He's God) / He is good God Almighty

You say Your love goes on forever, that Your mercy never stops / So why would I assume that You'd be somebody that You're not / Like sun in the morning, I know You're gonnato be there every day / So what on earth could make me be afraid?  (Afraid)

Good God Almighty / I hope you find me / Praising Your name no matter what comes / Cause I know where I'd be without Your mercy / So I keep praising Your name at the top of my lungs

Tell me, is He good? (He's good) / Tell me, is He God? (He's God) / He is good God Almighty

Praise Him in the morning / Praise Him in the noontime / Praise Him when the sun goes down / Love Him in the morning / Love Him in the noontime / Love Him when the sun goes down

Good God Almighty / I hope You find me / Praising Your name no matter what comes / Cause I know where I'd be without Your mercy / So I keep praising Your name at the top of my lungs

Tell me, is He good? (He's good) / Tell me, is He God? (He's God) / He is good God Almighty

Jesus in the morning / Jesus in the noontime / Jesus when the sun goes down / Jesus in the morning / Jesus in the noontime / Jesus when the sun goes down"

If you get a chance, watch it on You Tube - I enjoy this song a lot from the first time I heard it.  Why? 

Because He truly is Good God Almighty.  

Be Blessed.

Another sleepy morning - what's up with this?

 I didn't sleep well at all last night so this morning I have not completed all of my reading, but have slept off and on.  I've got to get awake!  Got a few things going on this morning and I need to be dressed and awake.  I know hubby's tossing, turning, and snoring is the cause of some of it, but I also remember waking up at 12:30AM with the thought 'you are supposed to get the hotels!' in my mind.  After trying to pin that thought in my mind and go back to sleep, I finally got up and wrote it down next to my computer so that I'd remember to look at them today.  It's going to be a fun day if I can't get some energy going.

Yesterday hubby stopped me when I went in the kitchen around noonish and 'made' me sit down in his recliner, recline it, and take a nap.  And I did, for about 10 minutes.  He sat in his chair and snored for about the same.  LOL  He said he wasn't asleep but snoring is a pretty good inclination he was.  I probably snored too.  I sometimes have to get up out of the desk chair and sit in my recliner, grab my blankie, and just close my eyes for a short time.  And, sometimes it is hard to come out that quick nap, but eventually it helps me think a bit more clearer.  Sitting at the computer all day, as some of you know, can easily wear you down and you start spacing things.

Starting to put together some things that I want to take on our trip.  I will probably drag out the suitcase on Monday and start putting things in it.  I don't like that they weigh our suitcases for I can't put everything in it as I would like to.  Instead of taking gifts as I have done in the past, I think I'll order flowers or cheesecakes for everyone when we leave, as a thank you for letting us stay with them.   I even shipped the baby shower gifts yesterday so that I don't have to take those with me.

When was the last time you went on a trip?  I mean for longer than a day or two?  Those little trips are nice - I know!  But to really relax sometimes it needs to be longer.  I can't remember taking a vacation this long (9 days off work!) before.  9 days plus two weekends!  I'm sure I'll begin wishing I was back home in about the middle of it.  Three-four days with people soon make you want to be home where you can relax and be yourself.  You know, take naps when you want to, eat when you want to, do nothing when you want to.... I sure hope our hosts are not planning a lot of activities for us!  Well, I know my brother has already planned a long walk for me cause we go back and forth about walking all year.  I am praying I can keep up with him!  My little sister and I are also to do a walk.  I have not been out for a good walk in a long, long time.  I sure hope I can keep up.

Nothing to share today... just rambling on... so will hush.  Almost didn't write anything at all.  Would that surprise you?  I have enjoyed writing in here as thoughts come to mind... sharing way too much information at times... 

Hope you have a good day.  Know that you are not taken for granted, but are prayed for and blessed.

Blessings.

All is good.... I think....

 Well, my doctor appointment went well, I think, and I even got my flu shot.  I hate shots.  But, again, it is mandatory to have a flu shot every year to continue working.  At least it's done for another year.  The visit itself went fairly well.  I knew in advance I would have to give up some of my stubbornness and pride in not taking additional medication.  And I'm right... got a pill to take weekly, and a very low dose of a cholesterol med.  I do have to go back in 30 days for more labs for him to check the cholesterol, and then I have an appointment (already!) in December for him to review the blood tests with me and adjust medication.  Before the evening was over I received a text from Pharmacy that my meds were ready for pick up.  I will need to drive over today and pick them up.  Even with having to take these meds, I like my doctor in that he agrees with me that overall I am healthy.  Some things you just inherit, such as the tendency to high high cholesterol.  My blood pressure was a little higher than last time but he said it wasn't enough to worry about.  It goes back down when I'm not stressed anyway.   So now I can quit talking about my health; those that need to know how I'm doing, know.  Oh - and I am to walk 30 minutes a day for exercise.  Yeah, right.  I feel better when I do.  Think I will see about re-arranging the back room to bring my treadmill inside.  It's still too hot in the garage - it's not 'outside', but at least I can walk.

Volunteered to take my niece for the weekend to give my daughter and granddaughter a break.  Sure wish the younger son would get his home straightened out.  It isn't fair - nor healthy - to my granddaughter to be shuffled off to others so he can have peace with his wife.  Since the granddaughter will be working this weekend as well, she won't be here much, but we will need to transport her back and forth - and that's ok.  Even hubby was willing to help with her.  She is always good when she is with us.  I had to laugh, though.  When I asked her if she would like to come stay with us for the weekend, she says, "Yeah, I like watching movies with you."  Obviously we don't do much else, although the last time she stayed we played a game and made cookies.  And of course I won't watch movies with a lot of language nor with a lot of fighting in them.  Which is why I love 'Up Faith & Family' movies.  Especially their 'romance' ones.  They are just clean, fun, and entertaining movies.  But I think we have about watched all of them now that are listed.  Hubby commented last night that I have ruined him.  He watched a romance movie while I was gone.  

If you choose to think about it, a romance movie is a lot like our God.  He loves us so much that He would do anything for us - even letting us have our own way and doing things we shouldn't be doing.  He gives us freedom of choice - and will rarely interfere in our choices.  I'm sure He does try to steer us in the right direction always, but sometimes we get pretty stubborn and want to do it our way.  Think about your own life - isn't most everything you do your own choice?

In romance movies people will do special things for each other because they love each other.  That's what God does for us.  He brings special people in our lives.  He brings about special things that will benefit us.  He blesses us in so many ways.  But what do we do with those blessings?  Do we become scrooges and hang on to them and not share?  Or do we give to others as God has freely given to us?  Do we treat others with the same kindness that we like to receive?  God is so good to us.... and He gives us so many things... He helps us in the rough places of our lives.  What do we do for Him?  Do we even remember to thank Him for removing us from bad situations?  Do we thank Him when He brings us good things?  Do we ever pause to just thank Him for loving us, for loving our family so much that He watches over us; that His angels will stand with us and guard us?

Can you think of a situation you have been in that it should not have ended up the way it did?  That everything bad that could happen, didn't?  I know in my own personal life I have been rescued many, many times from situations that by my own choices could have been costly financially or by losing friends.  Sometimes pride will take over and I have to fight 'my rights' against what 'is right in God's eyes'.  Sometimes He puts things in our way to get us to 'step away'.  How the circumstances will turn out, depends on how we respond to those things that create havoc or pain in our lives.

One week from today and we will be finishing up our packing to head back to the midwest.  I'm tired already.  I believe it will be a good trip, and I'm glad we are going, even for an extended time.  I don't know when - or if - we will get back there again.  This may be the last time we see some of our relatives.  Or it may be the last time they see one of us.  I truly hope we all get along and things go well and we can make good memories.  I miss my siblings, but I'm really just as glad we live apart.  Why do I say that?  Because I think if we lived closer, we wouldn't see each other any more than we do now.  At least now we have an excuse.  It would be nice if my little sister and I lived closer, but then, I'm still working and she isn't so we still would have difficulty seeing each other.

Thinking about that ... my one boss who is still back east on vacation... and I text'd some yesterday as she was working for the day.  She made the comment that she was ready to retire; she was enjoying having no schedule (she just took that last 10 days totally off work) and relaxing and doing things, visiting friends back east.  But, she also admitted that even though they could afford for her retire, she did like the income she makes and it allows her to do extended vacations like this.  I get it.  Only if I retired, my home would probably become my prison in a sense.  So with her comment yesterday, I went online and looked within my company to see what jobs were in my current area.  I found one that I think will be less stressful and only about 15 minutes away.  It is very tempting to apply for it, since my stress level for where I am now is exceeding way beyond all I could imagine with the latest new boss.  But I've only had her for a week so I need to give her a chance and understand how she likes things done.  Currently it frustrates me a lot.  My favorite boss and I will meet up when she returns - and I return - from vacation.  I just may have this discussion with her.  If she retires, I will definitely consider finding a job out here.  Working from home and taken the joy of working away.  If I find something here, and have to work in an office, I will be getting out and making new friends, and living life again, in a sense.  Yes, I enjoy the fact I don't have to drive 20-50+ miles away for work.  But I feel I have withdrawn so much from socialization, and I miss that.

So what are you feeling - and doing - about this tough year?  Still working from home?  How is that working for you?  Are you ok with it still?  Do you need to get out and socialize with people more?  Perhaps you are able to.  I hope so.  I miss that, although we do see people at church.  But I miss being able to sit down and have a real conversation.

Where do you think your life is heading?  Is it in the right direction?  Why don't you ask God if what you are doing - is where He wants you?  It's something I'm checking in with Him on.

Have a great day!

Everything at once... it seems...

 How in the world did I manage to get appointments and schedules to happen 'all at once'?  It seems like dentist appointments, and doctor appointments, and hair appointment, and mani/pedi, etc appointments are all hitting this week.  Well, I haven't made the mani/pedi appointment yet, and I need to.  The two appointments - dental (yesterday) and medical (today) just came about.  I received a gift certificate from hubby for my mani/pedi, etc. and I haven't scheduled it yet... but need to.... waiting until closer to time we go on vacation so that my nails will not look so bad.

My hair appointment is Saturday.  That is going to be a tough one.  As I have mentioned numerous times, hubby does not like my hair long.  It's now below the bra line again.  The last time I had my hair done, I had 3-4 inches cut off.  Not that it mattered; I still have had to wear my hair up.  I am always reminded of my grandmothers as they always wore their hair up in a bun.  I saw my father's mother's hair down one time when we stayed with her and we were going to bed.  We called this one 'Grandma'.  Her hair was so very long, and she wound it all up in a tight braided bun.  She was a very tiny, meaning short, woman and I am guessing her hair wasn't very thick for it didn't seem to be bulky.  Silvery white, and long.  My mother's mother, whom we called 'Granny' was a tall, large woman and her hair was also up in a bun.  I am not sure if I ever saw her hair completely down.  But I have fond memories of both.

I haven't made a decision (now) of what to do with my hair.  I just erased two paragraphs of comments, but I don't need to say them.  I had planned to cut about 10 inches off, keeping it still below the shoulders.  It would make it easier to put up, for sure.  Even now with braiding my hair and putting it up, it isn't always easy.  But I love my hair long... is that prideful?  I should just 'do it' and let it grow back out.  Until I give in and cut it short, I will always have to put it up so what does it matter......

My doctor appointment today is to come up with a 'treatment' plan for the osteopenia.  My sister takes a pill once a month, I think it is; my brother takes a shot every six months.  I wonder what my insurance will cover and what my doctor will suggest.  My oldest sister, with the rheumatoid arthritis, gets infusions ever so often.   Each of us are different.  It's a bear getting older!

Hubby came home from his doctor's appointment and said that he was told he was so healthy that he will live to 95-100.  That is a good thing; guess I don't need to be worried about him!  I just have to pray for clarity of thinking.... sometimes he does or says things that are totally off that wall.  That scares me more than his health... I don't know how to handle the things you can't see or control.  Sometimes that is more painful to deal with.

But one thing I do know.  No matter what is going on around me, no matter what is going on within me, no matter what is happening in this world, God's got this.  When times get tough, all I can do is lean into Him and seek His face.  He is all I have that I can depend on.  Only He knows the tears I cry; only He knows the pain in my heart.   He sees them, and captures each one in a bottle.

Psalm 56:8 (TPT)  "You have kept track of all my wandering and my weeping.  You've stored my many tears in your bottle-not one will be lost.  For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance."

Even when the pain within isn't seen by others, it is seen by God.  And He loves me and comforts me as only He can.  And He loves you and is willing to comfort you as well in your pain.

Sometimes all it takes is looking up and asking for help to get through life.  Sometimes it requires surrendering the part you hang on to.  It's always hard to let go... just like it is hard to let go of my long hair.  I don't want to let it go.  Life isn't easy and God never said that when we follow Him that it would be.  

All He says is "Follow me".

Are you willing to follow Him?

Something to think about....

Gonna be a busy week....

 at least these first couple of days are.  Today I have to catch up from my bosses working over the weekend (why in the world would you want a job that is so busy that you cannot even take a day off work?) and  I need to stop around 3-ish and head to the dentist office for a cleaning.    Then tomorrow I will go back to my doctor... to see what 'treatment' plan he has for me for the osteopenia.  I guess that explains why I easily broke my toe in two places when Sheeba pulled me into the curb last year.  Or was that earlier this year?  I don't remember anymore.  I just know I am going to get hit with the cholesterol pills .... ugh... I have fought that for years.  But the positive is that I won't have to watch so much what I eat as the medication can lower the cholesterol, right?  I love food.  I love breads and pasta and carbs.  And they love me.  They stick to me like glue.  Sigh.

I finally got an explanation on why I am having to pay about $700 in medical bills/tests that I normally would not have to pay for.  I went to a new doctor closer by.  I wanted a 'well woman check-up'.  He did what I wanted; sent me for the tests I haven't had for nearly 5 years, got answers that I wanted, but when the bills started coming in I got upset, angry in fact, because it should have been covered at 100% by my insurance company.  All because of CPT coding.  And because it was my first visit to him I was not an established patient.  Therefore, it can't be coded a well woman physical because you can't do one on the first visit, so the insurance company sort of explained.  I would have had to meet with the doctor, had no tests, and left.  Then go back again to get a physical.  So stupid.  But, in spite of the monies I am having to pay to get my fears relieved and back on track with my health, I am glad I had it done.  I have struggled since I left my other doctor of 30 years to find one who would pay attention to me.  The one I had switched to first couldn't even read the chart to know I was there for a physical and when I would point it out to him, he'd go "well, we did blood work 6 months ago, you're good".   The next one left the practice I had switched to, and the PA I was assigned to - well, COVID hit and I couldn't even get in to see her.  I do like this doctor so hopefully I can finish out my years with him.  He's close by, he listens to me, he talks to me, and I really do like him.  So, I just tell myself "I  .AM.WORTH.EVERY.PENNY."

Our trip comes up next week (about 9 days away) and part of me is sad I haven't lost the 20 pounds I really thought I could lose before we went.  I tell you, food and carbs just love me and stick with me.  I haven't gained any since I was sent home to work, but I certainly haven't lost and it has redistributed.  I'm not giving up; I just need to exercise more and continue watching the volume and kind of food I eat. I seriously thought I could lose it before the trip, but here we are a week out and still not even a pound.  I guess it is true that when you get older it is much harder to lose.  No matter how hard you try.  But I won't give up.  I want to keep moving and active; although it is harder now.  I actually went to Sam's Club ALONE yesterday (Cardinals game was on) and just literally walked up and down every aisle, just to get out and walk and move.  I was halfway through the store before I even put anything in my cart.  It felt good to just be alone and walking.  

I ought to change my hours to 8-5 since I'm home... and take that extra hour for a long walk early in the morning.  But I like being able to get some things done before my bosses come online (one comes on at 7AM but the other two start at 8AM) and I like walking away from the computer at 4PM.  Maybe I will think about changing it to 7:30-4:30 - that isn't bad, and I still can get a nice walk in if I start at 6:30am.  Sure wish I could take Sheeba walking - it would be good for her and for me, but I just can't.  I've been lucky thus far with just the broken toe and being dragged across two yard... I'm afraid that I couldn't hold her back if she decided to take off.  I've talked with hubby about finding her a good home where she can run freely in the yard and have children to play with, but he refuses.  Then he complains it costs so much to put her in the pet hotel.  Yes, I could ask family members to come let her out of her crate and take her out - but to keep her in the crate as big as she is for more than a couple days is cruel.  Of course if we both were working outside the home, there wouldn't be a choice in the matter.  But we would definitely need to find an extra-extra large crate so that she could move.  So to the pet hotel she will go while we are out of town.  At least there she gets out to play with other dogs and with the trainers.  And we get an email every day from 'Sheeba' telling what fun she is having.  Although last time we got a report she wouldn't let anyone near one of the trainers; she was protecting them.  She is a good protect dog.  

And.... I'm rambling.  I need to get up from this chair and get dressed for work.  I'm struggling with emotions this morning and my thoughts keep wandering.  I'm tired.  Period.  I think of insisting I get to retire... and yet, my world would become my prison if I did.   I need to find a rich old aunt or uncle who adores me and leaves all their wealth to me in their will.  Maybe then I will be able to live once again.  I don't mind flipping burgers; it could be fun.  And a lot less stressful than what I have to do everyday.  And I've been told I may need to start creating/attending/taking minutes at a new set of board meetings... and I don't want to.  THAT is stressful.  I do not like taking minutes of meetings.  I'm always afraid I'll miss what notes they want taken.  I forgot my shorthand years ago.  Two hour board meetings don't do anything for me, except exhaust me.

UGH.  I need to stop, get dressed, get the computer on and get started on my day.  Sorry to have rambled so this morning... my thoughts seem to be all over the place.  

Lord, help me through this day, cause if You don't help me, I'm a mess.  Please focus my mind on the things I need to focus on, help me not to miss the details of things I need to be aware of.  Help me, Lord, to accomplish all that I need to get done today.  Be with me, Lord, and help me, because You love me.  Bless my children today, Lord, and watch over them, keep them safe.  Help them with their tasks for today, give them peace in the midst of any storms.  Open their eyes and hearts to know that it is You who gets them through each and every day.  I pray for their souls, Lord, that they will find You are the only One who can help them through their lives.  It is You who died for them, and it is You in whom they can have life, and life everlasting.  I love you, Jesus.  Thank You for hearing my prayers, and thank You for the answers, even when they aren't what I want.  Amen.

Don't follow me....I'm lost....

 We watched a movie last night on Netflix called 'Holiday in the Wild'.  It was a good movie, staring Rob Lowe. It was a romance movie.  It starts out that the only child, a son, is heading off to college.  Once he leaves the apartment, the wife turns to the husband and commented something about the 'empty nest' .  She suggests they do a 'second honeymoon' and she had made reservations in Africa for them.  To which the husband responds by walking over to the side, picks up a briefcase and a suitcase and tells his wife he no longer loves her - and is leaving her.  And walks out.

The wife goes on to Africa and is doing a safari when they discover a baby elephant whose mother had been killed for her tusks.  The baby was dehydrated.   Come to find out, the wife was a veterinarian but hadn't practiced in years.  She fell in love with this baby elephant and... I won't spoil the story in case you want to watch it.  

But there was this one part in which she went back to New York and sitting over dinner with her estranged husband, having a nice conversation, he notices that she seems totally different.  She was happy, and was sharing all about what she had been doing.  He smiled, and asked her if she met someone while in Africa.

She responded, "yes, I met me."  

I laid in bed for a long time last night thinking about that statement.  She had found herself - by being herself.  She found her passion, her joy, once again.

I won't tell you the rest of the story, but it is a nice story and we both enjoyed watching it.

Sometimes I wonder, like the woman in this movie, if I will ever meet 'me'.  Will passion within me for something I believe in raise its head and breathe fresh life into me?  Or is this all there is?  Day in, and day out, same o same o.

Do you ever feel like you are in a routine?  Get up, turn on the computer, work, turn off the computer, have dinner, watch TV, go to bed..... and tomorrow do the same thing?  Rarely is anything changed in it? Has the passion you had once within you to conquer the world or to make a differencein someone's life, or in the world, and it just didn't happen?  Has your joy escaped you?

And yet, as I laid there last night and realized once again the heaviness upon my heart of the lack of joy and passion in my life, that it doesn't have to be that way.  This is what happens when we let life take over.  When we settle into the routine of doing nothing because it causes too much conflict when you want to do something different.  

I am reminded from the movie The War Room, one of my very favorite movies of all time, when the wife tells the devil he cannot have her house, he cannot have her family, not her husband, nor her child, nor can he have her.  That her joy does not come from the devil and from what she has, but from Jesus.  Her joy is found in Jesus.  And Jesus is Lord of that house, so get out and stay out!

Ok, I paraphrased it but the same meaning is there.  If you haven't watched that movie, please do.  It gives you a lot to think about.  I wonder if I can get hubby to watch it again tonight... if not, while he's watching football I can watch it on my prime video.  That movie encourages me, and reminds me not to give in to 'feelings' of being lost, of not knowing who I am.  Yes, I get there, just like you do.

But our joy and our passion does not come from what we have, what we own.  Our joy and passion is not based on who is in our lives, but in WHO we bow down and worship.  Jesus is the only One who can rescue us from ourselves, from our attitudes, from what we have become.

Jesus can rescue us and we will 'meet ourselves' when we give everything we own and everything we have to Him.  When we allow Him to take over our lives and change us.  When we are willing to let go, He is willing to give.  I often have to remind myself of that when I get into the 'lost' stage.  Sometimes life in general will pull you down.  Get out of the pit and look up; Jesus is waiting to help you 'meet you'.

Psalm 119:1-2 (TPT)  "You're only truly happy when you walk in total integrity, walking in the light of God's Word.  What joy overwhelms everyone who keeps the ways of God, those who seek him as their heart's passion!

Psalm 104:25 (TPT)  ...................But I will keep on praising you my Lord, with all that is within me.  My joyous blissful shouts of Hallelujah are all because of you!

Our joy comes only from Jesus.  Have you met yourself yet?  Have you met Jesus?

Blessings!

Needing energy...

 I finally looked at my Fitbit stats on my sleep for last night.  Why did I do that?  Because I have not been able to stay awake this morning.  I got up about 5:15AM, and was able to read my devotional and my Bible, but I keep falling asleep.  My sleep number was 68.  It's normally high 70's low 80's.  So what kept me awake last night?  I have no idea.

I really wanted to get up and get motivated to move this morning.  I joined 'us' to the 911 Tower Challenge with my work for today.  Those in Phoenix - if in person - go to the Gila River Arena (we are doing the challenge virtually) and those in Tucson - I forget where they are to go.  We all have a badge of who we are 'climbing' for.  A firefighter who lost his life in the collapse of the Twin Towers.  

I've got to learn I am not as young as I used to be, nor as active.  Walking is one thing.  Climbing stairs is another.  Our plan is to go to the gym and since they don't have a stairstepper there, to use the eplitical cause you can make it have steps as well.  2071 steps is a little over a mile.  I think I'm going to die.  Well, maybe not 'die', but I'm sure tomorrow morning - if not tonight - I will be feeling it in my legs.  Hubby too.  We will be heading over to the gym shortly to do our part.

I haven't touched base with the son yet to see when we will do our 9/11 Team Challenge walk - may have to put it off as we are having a 'heat advisory' for a few days.  He doesn't get up early so it makes it more difficult to get him available.  I'll ask for tomorrow morning, perhaps.  Or if he isn't interested at all, I'll do it on my own.  

This morning I am feeling really tired and have already drank an 'energize' powder that we take before we work out.  I'm hoping it will kick in soon.  I'm needing to drink my shake too and give it time to settle before we head over.

I really do enjoy doing these challenges but know I need to stick to walking.  AND I need to get back to walking to build my strength up.  I wish I lived closer to some of the grandchildren - I'm sure I could get at least one to walk with me.  Oh well.  It's a bear getting older, for sure.

So many photos today of what happened 20 years ago.  Take some time and think about our country's history.  I watched some films last night on TV and I couldn't stop the tears from falling.  It unified our country then... but the generation behind us has grown up ... well, I'll keep my opinion to myself.  

God help us.  God help the United States of America.  No one else can... only God can help us.  Turn our hearts back to You, Lord.  We desperately need You.

Help us, Lord, in our weakness; give us the resolve to live for You alone.  

God bless America.

I have decided....

many thoughts kept me awake last night and it was nearly 11PM before I finally was able to get some sleep.  I am being kept pretty busy with work; although yesterday I had a bit of a breather, I think.  Since I worked over the other day, I took some time to work on this quilt I'm making for a great nephew.  I'm almost finished with it - just need to sew the binding down and tag down some more of the material.  I will get it finished this weekend and hopefully in the mail next week.    Today I won't get much done since I am taking off around 10AM and heading to the office to pick up a couple supplies, which I talked about yesterday.  The meeting was still on his calendar last night so will see if it stays on for today.  One of the meetings he had before this one got cancelled.  Either way, it's to the office today to pick up supplies - and I get to be alone. :-)

I did get a call back from the doctor's office the other day.... he does want to still see me.  I told the person I was told he didn't need to see me, but she assured me that he does.  This doctor visit has cost a bundle and I am seriously afraid of what it will all be coming up to.  But my health is worth it, right?  Some tests alleviated my fears, so that is good.  She mentioned that he wanted to discuss the osteopenia and treatment for it.  I imagine I will have to take a pill weekly or monthly for the rest of my life.  I guess that is a good thing, providing what I need for my bones not to become brittle to where they will easily break.  We all know a fall can happen easily enough.  Even with Sheeba I can easily fall over her or if on the leash, she easily drags me either across the yard or slams me into a door.  I know I do need to be careful.  And I try to be.  With not going into the office it has been tennis shoes or flats wherever I go.  I think I have only worn heels a couple times the past couple years.  I've also had to lower my heels by about 2 inches.  Just can't wear them high anymore.  My feet hurt too much when I wear heels and am on my feet.  What will I do when I have to go to the office?  Sigh.  Today, just running in and out to get supplies, I'm ok with jeans, t-shirt and tennis shoes.  

Tomorrow is September 11 and I have a couple things I really hope that I can complete.  One is goingto  the gym and using the eplitical to do 'steps' - as in climbing steps - 2071 of them with the 9/11 Challenge my company is participating in.  I want to do it, and I'm hoping I can.  I have a 'two-stepper' here at home and I've even thought of using it and seeing if I can do it; especially if hubby isn't going to do it, although I did register him.  The other is a walk; a little over 6 miles.  I haven't touched base with the youngest son yet to see if we can do it tomorrow but I'm thinking maybe I'll see if he would be available a couple mornings and we could do three miles two mornings.  That one isn't a challenge as much; it is a virtual walk that you do on your own.  In fact, I could just go and walk it myself.  Just hoping he will have time to walk with me - but we are going into another heat wave with 'heat warnings' out again for few days so I'm not sure it would be a good idea unless we started really early.  I'm trying to push myself to keep active, but when I'm not as active as I should be, it sure makes it harder and a struggle... and it hurts a lot more afterwards!

What have I decided.... or is it ... I have decided.... not to take my computer with me on vacation; taking a sabatical from writing.  I don't know if it will just be for the couple weeks I will be gone, or longer.  I've been struggling with this for several days and know with the time difference I won't have time to write.  We will be staying with family so when I wake up at 4AM our time, it will be 7AM their time - and they are up having coffee.  The good part is that when they go to bed at 10 or 11PM, it will only be 7 or 8PM our time.  Still, finding my alone time would be difficult.  I can read my Bible in our room, but anything else may prove difficult.  Will continue to think about it, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to stop for awhile.  Would you miss reading my ramblings....  It is more important I read my Bible and spend time with God than it is for me to write.  

So with writing that paragraph... and seeing I have about 30 minutes left before time to get ready for work (I will work a couple hours before leaving for the office), I think I will stop and read for awhile.  Silence and Solitude with my Lord is perfection for me.  I love just spending time with God and letting Him sort me out, help me figure out things I need to do - or not do.  There is a time to step away, and a time to gather together.  

Have a blessed day.  

It's Fri-day!!

So much for time alone today.... hubby announced he is going with me to the office (an hour each way) to 'get out of the house'.  Sigh....

Catch 22... what in the world?

 I went to bed around 8;30PM last night because I felt so exhausted.  It has been a very busy week, and yesterday just seemed to be increased with meetings.  Not that I had to attend them, but that I had to find times on calendars of internal and external people, and it was challenging at times.  I didn't stop working until 4:45 and I am 'off' at 4PM!  Hubby took me out to dinner - I would have figured something out, but it was nice to go out.  I'm trying to keep us from doing that often as before.  But if we don't go out, I have to cook so it's a 'catch 22', right?

Huh.  Writing that word 'catch 22' made me wonder where did that come from so had to stop and look it up.  Looks like it is from a novel, which I think is called 'Catch 22' by Joseph Heller, written in 1961.  It's about air force pilots who wanted to get out of a mission could invoke the 'catch 22' (whatever that is, I'm not doing the research on exactly what it means) which would keep him from having a mental evaluation because he didn't want to fly a mission.  Interesting.  You can look it up - my son would probably be interested in reading the book; it sounds somewhat like something he'd read.  Don't know how much sci-fi it is though.

I know I've used that term numerous times over the years - I wonder where I heard it from? It's either 'It's a catch 22 either way' or 'two birds in one hand and sh_t in the other' or 6 in one hand and 6 in another..... or what does it matter - the results are the same?  LOL  I think I probably have misused it a few times. 

Anyway... I slept until about 3:15AM this morning.  Hubby stayed up and watched TV, which is totally unusual. He will usually come to bed with me no matter what time it is.  Even at 8:30PM.  I did wake up when he climbed into bed, but fell back to sleep.  But when I woke at 3:15, I guess my sleep was enough - or about the same as usual, and I could not get back to sleep so got up about 3:45AM.  I sat here in the dark for a bit, just talking with God.  It is part of my favorite times.  Then I read some and hubby was up and brought me my coffee.  When I finished reading, I usually grab my computer and type... but for some reason I wasn't in any hurry this morning and just sat here... with eyes closed.... talking to God... and fell asleep for probably a good 1/2 hour.  At least now I'm feeling rested somewhat.

Oh yeah - I got to get up and get moving. Just remembered that we have a couple men coming over between 6-7AM to take out our patio door and replace it with a new one.  Our son-in-law brought us a new door and screen yesterday to be installed.  The current one has 'stuck' different times over the past year and Sheeba throwing me into it a few weeks ago probably didn't help...  the frame is bent a little and was totally stuck last weekend.  I probably need to get up and get dressed pretty soon.  Just saw the time and it's 6AM.

So I guess I'm going to quit thinking of how to continue this for now and jump off and get dressed.  I have work to do anyway so can get started early.  Tomorrow I plan a drive down to the far office to pick up some supplies for one of my bosses.  He actually has a meeting about 5 miles from here tomorrow afternoon.  Figured if I go down and pick up the supplies, I can meet him at this meeting location and hand them off - and save him a trip to the Mesa office as well.  He lives in Chandler.  So most of my day tomorrow will be 'on the road' - well a couple hours anyway.  It gets me out of the house - usually alone - and I enjoy that.

Hope you have a good day.  Keep looking up.... God is smiling at you today.

Blessings!

OK - I had to look it up.  Here is what Catch 22 means.....

"The term is first introduced by the character Doc Daneeka, an army psychiatrist who invokes "Catch 22" to explain why any pilot requesting mental evaluation for insanity demonstrates his own sanity in creating the request and thus can not be declared insane."

Overwhelmed.... and peace...

 is a good word.  Webster's dictionary states this meaning:  ....overpowered by thought or feeling.  Sounds appropriate, doesn't it?  That's exactly how I was feeling yesterday.  Whether it was by all the emails I had when I turned on my computer yesterday morning, or by the conference call with my brand new top boss mid-morning, or just by all the meetings and things I must complete, I was overwhelmed with all I had to do.  I did get most of the things completed yesterday, but I have one critical meeting I still need to make - and daggone it - some people don't read the entire email and so don't respond to me, and I'm still waiting on their response.  I will resend this email to one of the admins of a critical one and ask again if her person could be available for 30 minutes in one of the 5-6 times I gave her.  She read the first line of my email, commented on it, and ignored my request for availability.  I have to get this meeting scheduled today.

I did work out a little with my weights yesterday and even did a partial of the workout on video that I want to get into.  If I don't apply myself to strengthen my body, it won't happen, and I will get weaker.  I don't want anyone to feel obligated to 'take care of me' as I age, and it is up to me to stand on my own two feet for as long as I can.  I don't want dependency of my self on others.  I have to push through my exhaustion.  Most is probably from not sleeping well anyway.  Hubby tosses and turns so much with his arthritic shoulder that I rarely can sleep sound through the night.

We begin our vacation two weeks from today.  Part of me is looking forward to it - the other part is screaming 'why are you staying so long?'!  It's all good.  I truly feel this will be the last time we see some of the relatives as we are all getting up in age and some have much worse health issues than my complaints about mine.  I'm trying to be sure we spend time - at least over dinner a time or two - with everyone.  Only God knows if even I will ever be able to make the trip again.

It's hard to believe today is Wednesday... and the week is nearly over.  So many times when I was much younger, couldn't wait for the weekend.... and now they come quickly.  Time is flying by and I am not accomplishing the things I would want to get done.  Life seems to get in the way of each day... things like having to work, and then trying to cram all the things I need to do, and want to do into the weekends make them go by quickly as well.  Do you realize that Christmas is only a few months away?  I'm glad I already have a start on gifts, but still have other things to get.  No idea what for some people.  I buy because I love to give.... not because I'm obligated or have to.  I like being able to find something and think of someone and want to get it for them.  And usually I can't wait for an occasion to give it to them!  But I need to wait on some.  I'm running out of room in my closet so once we are back from vacation, may pull everything out and double check my list, then just wrap and label the gifts and mark certain people 'done'.  I know I will find more things... but I will just have to resist.  I love to buy things for my kids, but if they need something they get it.  I'm at a loss anymore on what to get them.  And there isn't anything we need.

I guess we are going to get a new patio door.... this one has slipped off the track and has gotten hard to open.  Someone was over yesterday to measure and it will be ordered today - and they plan to install it tomorrow and perhaps Friday, as they will be removing the entire frame and putting in a new frame.  I think part of the track is bent and will continue to jam the door if we don't replace it.  Getting a new screen too.  I'm curious if hubby is expecting me to pay for it out of my savings, or if he will pay for it out of 'our' savings.  He has no problem with taking what I've saved and frequently refers to what I have as 'our' money.  A whole 'nother story of my life.  At least the replacement will remove something to complain about.

God is good, and He is faithful...all the time.  As I sit here and think back, I can see God's hand upon so many areas of my life.  He watches over us faithfully.  I often wish I wasn't working (as you know) so that I could spend more time being involved in His work, volunteering, etc.  But, God keeps me working so that we can afford to do things, to replace things that need to be replaced.  I appreciate when family members step up to take care of things, but I also don't want them to ever feel I expect it from them.   Life is give and take and some people are givers, and some are takers.  I never want to be known as a 'taker' in that I expect things to be done for me, without gratitude.

It's been a nerve-wracking couple of weeks with both hubby and I having tests completed.  I finally got the 'release' yesterday from the doctor's office that everything is fine and I don't need to go back until next year for my wellness physical.  I like those words.  Hubby is having a major test today for which he is extremely worried about.  I am not worried, for I believe that God is in control.  But he has always been a worrier, especially about his health.  Whatever comes of this test, God is still in control.  I'm trusting and leaning into God... and I pray that his fear will be turned into peace.  God's peace that passeth all understanding.

Where are you at in God's peace?  Do you feel calm and relaxed and at peace with life?  Or are you uptight and cranky and grumpy over what you feel you have been dealt in life?  Just a few words can make all the difference.  "Jesus, I need you.  Please forgive me for......  and help me to let You take over this issue that troubles me.  I trust in You and I believe that You love me, and will give me the peace that I seek to get through this.  You won't take me to something and not get me through it.  Thank you for loving me that much.  Please help me in my weakness.  Amen."

John 3:16  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

May the Lord bless you and keep you, make his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you.  May the Lord turn his face towards you, and give you peace.

Amen.

Off-work holiday ..... check.

 Labor Day has come and gone and now it's back to work.  Today I now have 3 bosses and I know my workload will increase tremendously.  It's just work, and I will continue to do it the best that I can.  I have been struggling lately with extreme exhaustion, and do not know the reason.  But, this too shall pass.  I will regain my strength and I will walk in faith.

I think I have nearly finished another baby blanket this weekend; I am at 28 inches - and the minimum is 30 inches... and I keep looking at the length of the yarn that is left.  It is going to be very close if I can get around it one more time.  I will try tonight to get that last row around and then tie it off.  Another blanket for the stack.  I also worked some on the baby quilt I am making for a great-nephew.  I'm about 1/2 way finished with it, I think, and will be focusing on it for the next week or so.  The baby shower is in a couple weeks and I'd love to finish it and mail it off before then.   I have a few more baby quilts I want to complete before Christmas.... but will take them as I get to them.  I wanted to do them last year and never got them done at all.  I'm not going to stress about it; will work on it as I can.  It is harder to see that needle hole to thread it now and I frequently have to use a light and a magnifying glass.  

I seem to be noticing the little things more and more that identify I am getting older.  I seem to be losing my strength.  Even with working out with light weights, I feel the strength in my arms is leaving me.  I am going to try to kick up the weights a couple pounds; I need to have strength in my arms and legs.  When did this happen?  I think it is from this past year and a half of working from home, being stuck in front of the computer in this room, getting little exercise - although I have tried - and just not being as active as I am when I'm at work.  I could say that I've been lazy, but that is only partially true.  This virus has kept a lot of people from doing things they have normally done.

And, if you even look at yourself, you will see that you have become different in the past year and a half.  Especially if you are working from home.  You may experience, like me, a feeling of claustrophobia.  Being around the same people, day in and day out.  Some weeks, unless we go out for a meal, I do not get out of the house at all.  It's flies we have to deal with if we sit outside in the early morning when it is somewhat cool, and mosquitos in the evening if you want to sit outside.  So we don't.  It's inside only.  Too hot to walk the treadmill in the garage.  Sheeba is way too strong for me to try walking her outside.  So not only do I stay inside most of the time, I withdraw into myself a bit more.

Do you find that in yourself?  You spend time thinking about what you wish you could, and still have to stay where you are.  I have things to keep me busy - i.e., crochet, knit, quilt - and even read, which I try to do as much as I can.  I sometimes can only get a little reading done in here.  And, if the TV is on, it's now a ball game or a movie.  At least I can still crochet or quilt during the movie.  But I still just sit there.  Hubby will probably hit me up again today to get back to the gym on my lunch hour.  And I do need to go.  

Next Saturday, September 11th, I signed up for two challenges.  One I really don't have to do 9/11, but do need to talk with the youngest son to see if he is ready to do this walk together.  If not, I may do it on my own another day.  The other challenge is through my work - and it IS on 9/11... and they want us to climb 2071 steps.  I know I've talked about it before so won't go into it.  I am still working on how to get that task accomplished.  My legs will be fried afterwards, I'm sure.

But I am grateful.  I am still alive.  I can still walk.  I can still lift light weights.  I can still do a lot of things.  There are so many people who in the their minds can do things, but if they attempted them - like me - they will find they have lost that drive to push through to achieve some things.

The dreams we have had for so many years that have not come to fruition.... we like to think that we can still do them.... but life has gotten in the way for so many years.  We had to work. We had responsibilities. We had to take care of this person or that person.  We had to .... you can fill in the blank.  But the dreams we have held on have slowly faded to where we can barely dream of them.  We still have that longing in our hearts for 'what might have been'.... but the time has passed and taken away the dream.

But we can still be grateful, for we have lived.  We have done things that we may have thought we couldn't.  We have gone places we never thought we would.  We have celebrated deaths of loved ones and the legacy they left behind.  We have celebrated birthdays and sought to bless others through kindness.  We have lived.  And for that, be grateful.

Walk with me on the highway of praise and the prison doors that have held you back will swing wide open.  Our praise is like an open portal that connects us to Jesus.   Our praise opens our eyes to things around us and helps up to see more clearly from heaven's perspective, and not from our cloudy one.  When we praise Jesus, life begins to bud once more inside of us.  I choose to live.  I choose to praise.

May your day be a blessed one.  Choose graditude.

Blessings.

Labor Day.... 50 years ago... a memory

 The day arrived early and my hubby and his brother were planning a hunting trip.  Because I was already past my due date of August 29th, and here it was September 6th, and feeling 'different', and planning to go to a Labor Day picnic my former church always had on Labor Day at Danville Park, I was taken over to my mother's to wait for the men to do their hunting and then go on to the picnic.  They had only been gone a short time when the 'different feeling' I had became known.  I wet my pants.  No, I didn't, really.  My water broke.  After only one other child and she was born quite easily due to being put out for most of the labor, I had no clue what was a head of me.

I grabbed a towel to sit and on and went back to the chair where I had been sitting.  Mother was teaching me how to crochet a doily out of yarn.  I didn't know how to crochet then, and Mother was doing her best to distract me.  After six children, she KNEW what was going to be happening.  I.had.no.clue.  As time went on, I started to feel twinges of pain.  I was begining to wish the men would come quickly back for I needed my hubby to take care of me.  He would know what to do, right?  Mother told my step-father he was going to be needed to take me to the hospital.  So what does he do?  He starts taking his time to clean up, change clothes, shave.... then he says, well, I think I need to go get gas first, so out the door he went.  In the meantime, my twinges of pain increased in intensity and timing.

Thank God my hubby and his brother came back early from their hunting as they hadn't been able to find anything.  Squirrels, I think it was, that they were hunting for.  When he came back, while my step-father was still getting gas for their car, my mother told him he needed to get me to the hospital, which was 30-45 minutes away.  We had called ahead and they knew we were going to head that way.

Hubby was driving, me in the passenger seat, and my brother -in-law in the backseat - of a Volkswagon, heading towards Danville to the hospital.  By now the pain was getting really bad.  We arrived quickly (yes, hubby did speed to get there) and they took me into the 'labor room'.  I hadn't been there long before I realized this was going to be a lot more 'real' than it was with my first child.  These people were heartless.  Seriously.  I was definitely in pain, and they were giving me NOTHING for it.  Hubby wasn't allowed to come back to the labor room.  I needed him to keep me calm.  Back then husbands were not allowed in the delivery room either.  They were banned to the waiting room.

I can still remember being told to stop my yelling (well, daggone it, it hurt!).  They finally said they could see the head and wheeled me into the delivery room.  My doctor was on vacation so his cover was to take care of me - but was no where to be found.  He had not arrived yet.  I didn't like him before the delivery, and I liked him less for being late.  I'm laying on the bed in the delivery room, they have put my feet in stirrups, and STILL WOULD NOT GIVE ME ANYTHING FOR THE PAIN!!  Why?  Because they doctor hadn't come in yet and hadn't authorized it.  The last thing I remember is me screaming and the words from the nurse "The doctor is here and she's torn, and the baby is coming out!" and a mask was immediately put on my face to knock me out.

When I awoke, we had this beautiful baby boy.  The boy we planned for and named after my husband. We both were so proud of this new baby.  I was in the hospital 5 days, if I recall correctly.  Back then they didn't send you home the day after the baby was born.  They kept you several days - and sometimes we had to ask to get to go home!  Our baby. We finally got to take him home.  His older sister adored him.  And life with a newborn began.

Fifty years later this baby has grown in to a man.  Determined to do things his way, he often pushes everything and everyone out of his way.  He is so smart, but often lets life get in his way.  He loves, and pushes away. He is my baby boy, and I love him dearly.  He is a product of his dad and I.  A little bit of both of us.  And a lot of himself.

I have prayed over this child many, many times.  And I will continue to pray for him.  Sometimes I don't know how to pray, so I just let the silence be my prayers.  God knows my prayes, He knows my heart for this child.  We dedicated and released our son to God many years ago.  And I know God hold him in the palm of His hand.

So today, 50 years later, on Labor Day, I wish my son the very best birthday ever.  And in my prayers, I pray that he will once again find Jesus.  If all he has is Jesus, he has everything he needs for this life.

Father, on this special day, I pray that You will look upon the son you gave us, and be with him in all that he does.  When he is dry and lonely, when he is tired and out of answers, and doesn't seen how he can get beyond things that trouble him, feeling lost and rudderless, I pray - by faith - that You will look down upon him and let him know how dearly he is loved by You, and by me.   Thank You for being willing and able to make this wilderness he is in the next step in a new direction.  I ask You will lead him through it and meet him on the other side.  I pray that his eyes will be opened to how wonderful and loving You are, Lord.  I pray that his heart and mind will seek you in this wilderness, and that he will find You.  Only You can heal the pain that he holds within.  Only You, Lord, can restore what the enemy has taken away.  Only You, Lord, can walk with him.  Please, Lord, I ask of You, to stay with him, love him, and keep him in the palm of Your hand.  Safe and secure.  In Jesus' name I ask, Amen.

Happy birthday, son.  I pray you have a wonderful day, feeling loved, and being celebrated.

You are loved.

Mom

A little sleep; dreaming...

 I had much difficulty getting to sleep last night - just wasn't sleepy, but to avoid questions, stayed in bed.  Tossing and turning I finally dozed some, and I had this really strange dream happen.  I like to write down my dreams - journal in a sense - just to reflect at another time on what it could possibly mean.  Most times they have meant absolutely nothing that I could think of.  This one is probably one of those.  Let's see what I can remember about it....

I was in a room, much like an office, when my latest new boss - who I actually start supporting today, come to think about it - walked in.  She asked me to sit down and proceeded to share information about the department we are in.  I have suspected the past few months that this department is being absorbed into the bigger division.  Why? Because new titles given to my two new bosses do not reflect that department in the announcements.  This new boss shared that the department was indeed being absorbed into a 'new' department of the division, in that it was being taken into a new direction.  The focus was going to be different than what it has been.

Here's where the dream gets confusing.  The newest boss states she has taken a position within the company in another part of the division, effective immediately.  Then she gets up and walks out.  My favorite boss comes in and she shares pretty much the same information, but that she is being told she has to move in this direction - or leave.  She has that decision to make.... and she was leaning towards just retiring and walking away.  She will be 62 this year.  Financially they can afford it as she and her husband followed Dave Ramsey's money management system years ago and have been out of debt for years, and saving and investing.  Her husband has been retired for about 10 years, I think.  Her decision, to just retire, was one we had talked about numerous times, but here was the reality (in my dream).  

Which left me with a decision... what was I going to do?  Was I going to try and find something within the company so that I could continue working... or was I going to walk away and finally get to retire... and then I woke up.  So then I laid there thinking about that dream and what could it possibly mean.  Perhaps that answers my thoughts of my department being absorbed into the bigger division.  But still, it was just a dream.  A deram that has no answers, at this time.  

Will I ever get to retire?  I don't know.  I often laughed over the years that I would be found at my desk when I die, never getting to enjoy life the way I have always dreamed it should be.  I"m learning not to wallow in my pain, but to live where I am planted.  I do what I can, and God knows where my heart is.  I haven't been able to make the difference I have wanted to make, but He won't hold tha against me.  Perhaps those were just my dreams and not His.  I need to relax and let God direct me to the Plans He has for me.  Plans to bring me hope and a future.

I choose today to put my hope and my future in Jesus.  I can do nothing in my own power.  I can't right wrongs; I can't change things that have happened; I can't bring back to life that which is dead.  But by the power of Jesus Christ, dead and dry bones will rise, they will be covered with new skin, and those dry bones will live.

Are you seeing dry bones in your life?  Are there things that no longer have life in them?  Do you feel your spirit had been defeated and sucked out of you?

Ezekiel 37:1-10.... The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry.  He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"

I said, "Sovereign Lord, you alone know."

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them 'Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones; I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you, and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord'.

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath was in them.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.'" So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them, they came to life and stood on their feet - a vast army.

Ask Jesus to stand your dry bones up and blow a fresh breath of His Spirit into and over you.  Ask Him to cover you with 'new skin', and cause you to live and have new life.  He will do it.  He will.  He is just waiting for you to ask Him.   

Will you?

Picking up groceries already bagged...

 is one of the best things grocery stores have done.  I didn't pay any attention to it for a long, long time. Why would I do that?  It's just as easy for me to walk up and down aisles, taking my time (unless I'm short on time and then I just get what's on my list), and picking up whatever I want.  Over the past few months I have taken to ordering groceries online and I must admit it is a very good thing.  Especially if you have a list and know what you need.  You go online, you click on the box how many of what item you need, after the first time, your card is in the system and you even have the total before you 'get to the cash register' and can take some things out if you got carried away.  Once you hit get it finished, you hit submit, and it will tell you what times are available for you to come pick it up.  Because I selected it, I got a text after I had submitted my order, and when I was on my way, I was to click on the link that says 'on my way'.  When I get to the store, I pull into the 'pickup' areas and again pull out my phone to go back to that link and then I select 'I am here' and I input the number (1,2,3,4) of what space I am in.  I kid you not - within five minutes a cart is being rolled out of the store with all my items on it.  If I needed any substitutions, I already had received that text and I have a choice yes or no for the exchange.  Once the cart is rolled out to my car, I open my trunk and they load my car, thank me for the order, and I drive home to put my groceries away.

I don't have any complaints about this service.  I've used it several times.  Only a few times I had to use a substitute.  In fact, one of the items I bought yesterday were 4/$10 or something like that... they were out of one, and I didn't want the substitution they offered.  They adjusted the cost to still give me the sale price for three since they were out of the fourth item.  My card in the system has already paid for the groceries and I can just drive away once I have them in my car.  I have not been disappointed with any of the fresh fruits and vegetables either - nor any of the meats - everything is fresh.

But, later in the day after I got home, I remembered a couple items I really needed, and didn't have on my list.  Will need to do a run to the store some time today and pick those up.  Not a big deal.  Picking up a container of mustard isn't going to keep me in the store for a couple hours.  I can run in and run out.   I don't mind going to the grocery store.... especially if I have time to 'waste'.... but I always spend way too much if I go in person.  This really works for me and helps me to keep my spending in line.  I don't do it every time, but as busy as I have been lately, yesterday was a good time to use it.

I'm glad this work week is over.  It has been really busy... and I am afraid next week will be even more so - I gain the 3rd boss and she will be the 'big chief'.  I'm going to think positive and we will get along great and she will be easy to support.  I know I need to learn new things... to support all three of my bosses..... and I don't want to.  BUT, because it will help in my job, I will learn them.  I had a long talk with my new male boss yesterday.  I really like him a lot.  We had a 30 minute meeting yesterday to go over his calendar - and we talked nearly an hour and a half!  So glad I had his calendar blocked!  We did review his calendar, but he filled me in on some things that were coming down the road - confidentially - and I feel good that he knows he can trust me not to share that information.  He also showed me how he uses One Note.  I've never used it; didn't know of anyone who did use it; rebelled against learning it, as I have several other programs offered in the Microsoft 365.  I want to be left alone with what I already know and use.  But his use of One Note intrigues me and I am willing to step out of my comfort zone to You Tube and see how to use it effectively.  I know I am not as 'up to speed' on technology as some of these younger admins are... and that's been fine with me.  When I've been asked to cover a meeting and show the slides, I've always replied I can't if I am taking minutes, and got out of it.  But I feel that my job has stepped up several levels of where I have been, and I have no choice but to learn how to do these tasks - or be embarrassed that I cannot.

But not only do I need to learn these things, I need to use them and retain how to use them.  And right now I am pretty tired.  I think I have been reading too much on lack of Vitamin D and what symptoms are.  My tiredness of the past few months I have blamed on work and the vaccine.  But when I get off work and go sit down on the couch and fall asleep ..... how tired is tired?  I just want to shut my eyes for a moment, and next thing I know I am out cold.  Is it from the lack of Vitamin D?  Is it still from getting the vaccine?  Is it from focused work?  I don't know.  I know that even now, after sleeping my six hours, I feel extremely tired, but my mind is awake.  Does that make sense?  May need another cup of coffee this morning.

I am scheduled to go donate blood this afternoon so while I'm out will probably stop at the grocery then.  Hopefully I can go alone as hubby gave a few weeks ago and isn't eligible to donate again yet.  Time alone will be nice, even going to the grocery store.  Makes me think.... I sometimes have enjoyed going to the grocery store - if I can go alone - and just take my time and browse.... I wonder if other spouses feel that way.  I am a big girl, I can push my own cart.  I can be focused upon my own list, or open to any thing I want to get.  Run recipes through my mind of 'what can I fix with this?' can cause me to buy several items I may not get to for awhile because I can't remember the recipe in its entirety. And that's ok.  I'll figure it out.

Sometimes when I can get out alone, it is just God and me.  I love those times when I can talk with Him as I drive down the road.  Sometimes I turn on the radio and sing along with the songs.  Sometimes I just talk.....and He listens.  And then there are those times when He lets me know He has heard me, and He is pleased with me.  There are little things that He does.  We often are so busy or thinking about other things that we miss those little things He does to show us He loves us.  

Today, as you are doing things around the house, or taking a walk, or going for a drive... open your eyes, open your mind, and see that possibilities of when God is speaking to you.  It may be in seeing a garden of flowers.  He is showing you His work.  It may be seeing someone help another cross a street.  It could be His kindness being shown.  There are so many ways our God will shower His favor and goodness upon us.  Let us keep open, that we may see, and hear, and glorify Him for it all.

Afterall, He created this world for us.  He causes the flowers and the trees and the grass to grow.  He brings the wind and the rain.  He flashes the lightening across the sky, and lets the thunder roar.  He shines His sun upon us to give us warmth.  He is the Creator of all things; and it is good.

Blessings upon your weekend!

A sleepy morning...

 I think I slept good last night... well enough, anyway, but this morning I cannot stay awake.  As I have read, my eyes shut and off I go into dreamland...without dreams... but sound asleep.  Thinking if I stop reading and do this - making my mind work - maybe, just maybe, I can wake up.

I got my test results back yesterday.  I can't believe I received them the next day after the test!  I received a call from the doctor's office yesterday morning.  Getting a bit personal here, but I was requested to schedule another appointment for another mammogram and ultrasound.  Something didn't look right.  Yes, that has been my fear, but when I received the call, I wasn't afraid anymore; I was at peace.  God was totally in control.  I called the women's center, as requested, to schedule another appointment and I timidly asked if there was any chance I could get in today (yesterday).  At first she said they were booked solid, but let her look.  Then she asked 'who is your doctor?' - and found it on my chart before I could even speak his name - and immediately she says - come in at 1:30!  Now that was a bit unnerving... immediately after discovering who my doctor was she got me in?  Or is it that my doctor has a good reputation - and clout - at this center?  I had a 1:30PM appointment on the same day that I called in.  Wow.

And, when I went for my appointment, they did the mammogram and the technician walked out of the room to speak to the radiologist and came back and said, well, we need to do an ultrasound.... and walked me to a room directly across the hall.  Another technician came in to do the ultrasound and after snapping numerous photos, left the room.  She came back in with the radiologist who had looked at the records - and told me everything was benign.  Praise God!  I was told everything is fine, come back next year for the annual screening.  God is good.

What sparked my request to see if I could even get in yesterday was another result that I was told to take care of yesterday.  I was told I have osteopenia.  What the doctor wanted was for me to go get another blood draw - only this time for Vitamin D.  Was it really that low?  I was so surprised that I didn't ask on the phone call.  I was told the doctor wanted me to take Vit D3 -- 2000.  I laughed and told him I have been taking 5000.  He would make sure that the doctor knew that (it WAS in my information, I'm sure, where I had to list my medications).  But I was to go get the blood draw immediately, and then the office would call me to schedule an appointment to discuss treatment.  Treatment of what, I asked.  The osteopenia.  I didn't realize there was a treatment.  Maybe I need a prescription Vitamin D.  Huh. I got the blood draw completed right after the other test as the offices are across the street from each other.

I have never received such service where they are precise and quick.  It actually is kind of nice.  In the past I had to wait two weeks to get test results and then I had to go back into the doctor's office to have him tell me.  The assistant made the call, but that's ok.  He had my information.  If I don't get a call today from the doctor's office on scheduling that appointment, I will call them on Monday.

I wonder if vitamin D deficiency causes fatigue.... I will have to look up and see what it says.  I thought my tiredness came from the vaccine shots because that seems to be about the time I noticed it more.  Plus my headaches, which are now infrequent.  I blamed the headaches and the fatigue on it.  But, perhaps it wasn't.  Maybe these symptoms are the result of vitamin D deficiency.  I also blamed it on work because I stay in front of the computer all day.

So there you have my personal history.  The fears of the unknown that I have recently spoken about and requested prayers for.  Cancer hasn't been much in my family, but my mother did have multiple myeloma in her last few years of life.  At least I don't know of anyone in my family having cancer.

Received word yesterday than an uncle has COVID and is in a nursing home (already)... family is asking for prayers.  His wife is my birth father's last relative alive.  My aunt Rita.  I'm trying to remember what her name really is - Rita is a nickname, I think.  It has been 40 years or more since I have seen them.  We have messaged on FB messenger a couple times.  Requesting prayers for him - they are in their 90's.

The scripture that comes to my mind this morning is this:

Isaiah 26:3 (NKJV)   "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."

And I am in perfect peace, because my mind is on Jesus.  He knows my fears, my issues, long before I even am aware of them.  My peace is only because I keep my mind on Him and I trust Him, no matter what.  Nothing can come against me unless He allows it.  I am covered by Jesus' blood.  I am protected.  I am His.

Ask Jesus for His peace.  Only then can you release the things that hold you to this world.

Blessings!

Sometimes the south just comes out...

 I couldn't resist.  Saw some books on sale that said something about 'it's a southern thing'... and because I love the fact I was born in the south (my only claim as we moved at the age of 3 to the midwest), I had to buy them for my great-grandchildren for Christmas.  I haven't looked that thoroughly through them yet, I hope they will be enjoyed.  Mark some more gifts off my list.

I love being from the south.  I love that my mother hung on to her southern upbringing enough that the words used in conversations became natural for me as well.  Sometimes I am conscious of saying it as it comes out, but most times I am not.  Words like 'can't', or 'won't', or 'ya'll'.... I'm sure there are others that I say but am not going to think about it now.  Some people tease me about some of the things I say.  And that's ok.  I think that is how I have become more conscious of it.  If no one brought it to my attention, I probably would not have even noticed.  It was just the communication I had growing up.

On another note... the tests were easily completed yesterday.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  I may hear results in a few days; I was told on one I will get a letter in a week or so.  I know that I can get through anything as long as I walk with Jesus by my side.  He holds my hand always, and gathers me into His arms in the toughest times.  

Still working on travel plans.  Our itinerary has been adjusted a few times.  Made plans yesterday to try and meet up with some friends we met at one of the RV parks out here who lives in the midwest.  They will be only about 1/2 hour from us so we are trying to connect for coffee on one of the days there.  My big brother text'd last night and asked if we wanted to attend a couple activities... and it sounds like fun.  I don't recall the name of it, but he said it was something like an October fest with pumpkin carving, etc.  He was going to try and get tickets so that we could attend with them.  I talked to hubby about it; he wasn't real enthused ... but said ok.  I don't want to spend vacation in front of the TV or just sitting around.  I want to make memories while there.  Granted, I will admit, I have been kept from doing a lot of things so this is also out of my comfort zone, but I am stepping out to do something.

A scripture comes to me this morning from the book of Isaiah -  53:5 to be exact.  I love The Passion Translation of it.  "It was because of our rebellious deeds that he was pierced and because of our sins that he was crushed.  He endured the punishment that made us completely whole, and in his wounding we found our healing."

I sit here and look at that verse, and I am grateful for all that it implies.  In Him, I can find my joy, my peace, my healing.  And you can too.  He did it all for me.... and for you.  Something to think about.

Blessings.