I just want to sleep....

 Another strange night of not sleeping much.  Awake at 12:30-ish and tossing and turning for what seemed like forever, praying and asking God 'WHAT??? and sleeping lightly - and awakening at 3:30AM again with a big headache this time.... could it be from the storm that will arrive Thursday night?  Tossing and turning again, I knocked my clock off the stand, unplugging it... finally just got up and took an ibuprofen and came in here.  Tried to sleep, but soon heard hubby getting up so turned the light on and started my reading.  I got most of my reading done, but then the ibuprofen took effect and I got drowsy and dozed some.  I've been dozing for about the last 40-50 minutes, I'd guess, and I still want to sleep. That's why I don't take ibuprofen very often.  I discovered it makes me sleepy for a long time. But I also knew it would quickly knock the headache, much faster than Tylenol.

So here I am, short on time, still sleepy, and no major thing to talk about.  I can't even get a scripture (at this moment) to come to mind to write about.  

Concerned about my middle child.  What's happening should not be happening.  Saying prayers and hoping he will contact his doctor for follow-up.  Only putting this hear for don't know if he would see my note on his blog, as he doesn't write every day.

Hubby is to go for lunch and a movie with the youngest son today - part of his Christmas gift.  He was given a small gift card, I think, and a note that the youngest would take him out at a certain time after Christmas to lunch and a movie as his Christmas.  And here is the day.  The youngest did the same for me, I got a Michael's gift card and a note he'd take me out to whatever I wanted to do.  I was joking around with him the other day.... we were chatting and he brought it up... said he'd even take me for a spa day.  I know he can't afford that for both of us... it can get quite expensive... so I suggested we go get pedicures and manicures. LOL  He wasn't so sure about having someone touch his feet.  Since we acknowledged, he would have to wait until the end of the next month to have the money to take me out, I'm sure I will have my feet done before then.    But now I need to figure it out.  I told him - as I tell my middle child frequently..... I don't care if we just go out for a cup of coffee or a coke .... my favorite gift is spending 1:1 time with them and just be with them.

Wouldn't that be a fun gift from my grandchildren too?  At Christmas time we all get so caught up in buying gifts.... I would love my grandchildren to hand me a card with a note... "grandma, on this date/time, let's go to breakfast/lunch/dinner."   I wish they - meaning my children and grandchildren - all understood that at my age, all I want is to spend time with them.  I want us to make a memory that will last them a lifetime, even if it is nothing more than "I remember when grandma and I went out for a hot fudge sundae at Dairy Queen, and we spent quality time together and I will hold that memory forever."  (or even my sons and daughter, for that matter!)   Time with my family is more valuable to me than any gift could be.   (I always have been a 'cheap date'.  LOL)

But I know for him, it could be a bit more... so I will try to think of something 'special' for us to do.  If not, then he can take me to lunch.... he doesn't read so finding a unique bookstore is out of the question... but my older son - yeah, I think he'd like that... just to browse.  Maybe.  He prefers his kindle. I use both - real books - and my kindle.  Wouldn't it be fun to find some thrift bookstores and just rummage through them?  There is a half price bookstore - or used to be - on Camelback.... I've ordered from them, but never have gone there... uh oh.... there I go again, thinking about books!  LOL That will be my retirement years.... reading all the time.  In between sewing, crocheting, knitting, etc.  

And.... I need to go jump in the shower and get ready for work.  Oh - speaking of... I did take the training for that legal contract thing my one boss was making me do.  sigh.  I also scheduled time with him yesterday and made him share his screen with me and he input a contract he sent me to do.  He didn't even have all the information and had to email the other company asking for specific things - how would I have even known how to do that??  I'm definitely frustrated with him, and I told him so... sorta.  And then this team building things he was to have reserved for his team (and me)... he hadn't done it. "Will you do it?" he asks and gives me his credit card number.  I call, get some information - such as they don't open until 4PM but my boss wants it at 12:30-2PM.... so long story short, they emailed me that they would make an exception for our 8 member 'team'..... at $40 a person, plus tax, plus 20% gratuity.  I forwarded the information to my boss and told him that decision was way above my pay grade.  He needs to make the decision as it is going on his credit card.  What is this event?  It's axe-throwing.  There is one in Tempe and one at Westgate.  Usually, it is $20 pp so I'm wondering why $40 pp - I guess because they would be coming in earlier in the day to accommodate us.  Well, not my decision.  I'll wait and see what the boss says - and does he know that per company... nothing over $25 per employee can be done.  And I didn't want to get involved in it - and here I am!  Other duties as assigned.  Oh well.

And with that - I'm off here - sorry I have just rambled... blame it on the ibuprofen and headache.

Blessings!

How we like to rationalize things....

 Do you ever find yourself doing that?  Rationalize why you did or say something?  Make excuses - which is what it is - on why you did what you did?  UGH.. I'm just like you  - and I don't want to be that way.  What am I talking about?   Yesterday I had to schedule a meeting with people from another company for my one boss.  I had to really work to find an hour on his calendar.  I sent some dates to the people and they responded which one worked for them.   When I started to schedule the meeting, I remembered I had not checked the people my boss wanted in the meeting as well. Their calendars, rather.  Uh oh.  One of the finance people was only available 30 minutes.  I debated.  Decided that it might work.  Sent the invite out.  His executive assistant sent an email back that he could only attend 30 minutes of the hour long meeting.  And my boss sent me a note 'we need him the full hour'.  I sent a note back stating that the other company - all their people could make it.  Then my boss sent another note that 'did I check with the executive assistant before and then another meeting got put on his calendar?'  I didn't respond last night, for no, that was not the case.  I didn't ask her at all.  

So what happened?  I woke up at 12:12AM this morning and the excuses were running through my mind as to why I messed up on the availability.  I was overwhelmed with all the things he had me doing that morning (which is true), I had 2-3 meetings I was working on all at the same time (also true), I thought even 30 minutes would be better than nothing and get this meeting on the calendar (also true).  But none of them are the REAL truth.  I screwed up.  I didn't check his calendar at all before sending dates off to the other company.  If I had, I could have checked if he could be available.  Sigh.  So then my mind started saying "well, you could say too that "I neglected to confirm his calendar" or "I missed it when I was checking availability" - and there were probably a few others that ran through my mind.  Yes, it was the devil himself trying to help me cover up my screw up.  But, the bottom line is that I didn't check the availability of any of the people my boss wanted in the meeting before sending the date out.  So what do I need to do this morning?  Respond to my boss and tell him the truth - I didn't look.  Then I need to apologize for changes to the outside company and give them new dates (and check our availability!) and reschedule the meeting.  It's hard to be humble, right?  Especially when the screw up is your own.

We went to dinner last night with friends we hadn't seen in a couple months.  Both have lost weight!  My girlfriend had gastric bypass back in September.  We saw them in November and she had lost 20 pounds.  She has now lost 40 pounds.  And 23 inches overall!  But her hubby has lost as well - losing 18 pounds!  We could really tell in their faces and shoulders that they had lost.  Good for them.  She had gotten pretty large and had tried numerous other diets but never could stick to them.  She has to on this one.  She barely ate a cup of food last night.  If she eats any more, her stomach gets very painful and she gets sick.  Another friend who had this done several years ago said the same thing.  You can eat whatever you want after the surgery, but only a couple bites cause you get so full so quick.  I'm not heavy enough to consider anything like that - and actually won't consider it.  Well, not in reality.  Yes, I'd like to be thinner, but it has been my choices of food that got me here.  And, if I ate just a bite of what is not good food me and left the rest alone, I could lose it... but once you get started on the heavy carb or sweet stuff, you don't want to leave it alone!  And I eat the whole thing.  Sigh.  Since the fast, I have been doing much better.  Instead of ordering the cheeseburger salad at Black Bear Diner last night I opted for a BLT and sweet potato fries.  Yeah, what I got probably has a lot more calories in it, but I wanted something different.  And the sourdough bread of my sandwich only had maybe 4 pieces of bacon on it - and that might be stretching it.  Disappointing from what I've had previously.  But, I ate it all, regardless.

Ugh.  My ocular headache is working it's way out.... my vision is getting spotty this morning.  This will last about 20 minutes.  Wish they could figure out how to prevent it.  I'm going to my regular eye doctor for a routine eye checkup tomorrow (not the specialist) and see if I can get better reading glasses.  The prescription I received from my specialist after the surgery - I think my eyes have changed somewhat. Will find out tomorrow.  Gonna see if they can take frames I had gotten a couple years ago and save me some $$ and just change out the lens.  Will see.  Maybe they will see how to stop the ocular migraine.

Ephesians 4:2 (NKJV):  ".....with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love."

Ah yes, that is how we are to be.  We are to be humble, not proud, and with patience, listen and care for each other.  Does that make sense?  Say, for example, someone who has a college education and is very smart is with someone who barely got out of high school, if that at all.  He should be kind as he listens to words that may be used the wrong way; and if needed, gently correct, and not imply 'well, I know more than you because I have more education'..... be patient with others - whether or not they do know more than you do.  Or don't.    I know, bad example, huh.  OH well, Learn to be humble and patient with others for we all are accountable to God for our words and our actions.  Especially be patient with ME! 

The boss that I was referring to above is having a 'team building' (I don't like those!) event and I'm invited to attend.  I don't want to.  I really don't. But feel that I have to.  You know, like those kind of 'unspoken mandatory' things.  What is the team building event?  Throwing axes.  Like I want to do that!  But, hey - maybe I can show off my biceps, now that I have some!  But I still don't want to go - but to even it up in teams, to do whatever, I have to.  AND I have to drive about 40 miles to get to the place (Tempe) - and all of them live in that general area (Mesa, Chandler, Tempe, Queen Creek, etc).  I even thought about taking a PTO day and running away!!  But I will go and I will enjoy the day.  You and I both know that I will.   Sigh.

And.... it's about time to turn on the work computer.  Hubby has his Bible study this morning, which will give me 'alone' time... but.... work has been overwhelmingly busy lately.  I keep bringing up 'retirement' and hubby just walks away.  And that angers me.  It really does.  It feels so unfair.  But, I know in reality that I have to work or I will go nuts.  He will want me to do everything with him (join his Bible studies that are co-ed, etc.) and I don't want to.  With working, I have an 'excuse' not to attend. I don't care how many couples are there; I don't want to.  I will choose what study I want to be in.  I will choose if I want to facilitate a study.  By the way, still no one has inquired about our class.  Oh well. I' out of the mood now for that class, and would like to change to another.  But, have to give this a few more weeks.

Tonight is 'girls night out' and I'll head over to my daughters' after work.  It's a nice break and I can talk to another adult.  Her hubby says we 'cackle'.  HAH!  We just 'share'.... just saying.

Gotta get moving - hope you have an amazing day!

Blessings!

Well, that changed my thinking....

 about the yummy danish, that is.  I did go out yesterday morning and cut me off about a 2" slice of the danish - and decided to heat it in the microwave a few seconds.  It just sounded so good.  Well, let me tell you, I believe that a danish should not be eaten warm. Why?  Because I couldn't eat it after I warmed it up.  So hubby did.  Why?  Because the dough is full of butter.  I picked it up to take a bite and it felt so oily and it had even changed to an oily look/texture!  Yeck.  I just couldn't eat it.   In full confession, I DID cut off a small slice later in the day and ate it cold.  But, with having done without sweets the last three weeks, it also was (nearly) too sweet for me to eat!  And that is a good thing, right?

Mid-afternoon I decided to head over to the store and pick up fresh milk (somehow we always end up throwing it away half full (even half gallons!) because I don't drink that much milk and hubby uses it in shakes and cereal - and the past three weeks he hadn't eaten cereal.  Anyway - I decided I needed cilantro because I found an easy recipe for salsa verde.  I had gotten a bag of tomatillos at the last combo box and didn't know how to use them.  After I got back home, I decided to make some and see how it comes out.  Oh my goodness!  It is perfect - only I added too many jalapenos and it is very spicy hot!  I had to put in the refrigerator to let it cool as one cooks the tomatillos with the onions, peppers and garlic - so it was quite warm heat wise when finished.  But I still had to try it.  Today will be better for it will be cold now.  I am thinking I will take the remaining tomatillos and make another batch, but leave out the jalapenos (or use just the one I have left) and add to what I made last night and that just might cool it down some.  Need to use them up anyway.  But I am excited I learned how to make 'green salsa' for I do love the taste of it! Happy I found that quick and easy recipe!

Before I left for the store I had told hubby I needed to work on a message for February 11th, as that is the next time I'm at the RV park.  The head of the Board contacted me Saturday that they are going to make that Sunday a memorial Sunday for all the RV people who had passed in the last year or so and wanted me to incorporate something in the message.  So since I need to have title and scripture by next Sunday as they will be calling me, I got started on it.  I have a title, and I have the scripture.  I got about two pages typed up and hubby started coming in and out of the room.  He just has to have me near him, unless I'm cooking, and then he doesn't bother me so much.  But me being back here in my room doing something - even with the door open - he can't stand being 'alone' in the other room.   And here I am, relishing the fact I CAN be alone for a little while in my room.  I stopped working on the message and went to the grocery.  Didn't cook dinner though, the roast we had for lunch was enough to fill us up; although I did eat 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich.  Not sure what hubby munched on.  

It's interesting.... after three weeks of not putting things in our bodies, while I was at the grocery, I didn't want to buy pizza, ice cream, and junk foods.  I looked at them and would think - why would I put those toxins back in to my body after going three weeks without them?  But they do taste so good!  I decided (at this moment) to let those be things we treat ourselves to when we go out to eat.  Once in a while eating isn't as bad as being lazy and pulling it out of the freezer when I don't want to cook, right?  

Mark 9:35 (NKJV):  "And He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, "If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."

If one read that scripture by itself for the first time, they would probably wonder what in the world could that possibly mean!   It's really an easy thought.  We need to put others before ourselves.  Don't laugh, but the thought that comes to my mind is exactly this example - although it's purpose may not be the same.  Whenever we have my oldest son and his family over for dinner, he is more than willing to allow everyone else to help themselves to the food - even if it is his favorite! - and let them get all they want.  Then he will go last and get what he wants.  He wants to ensure everyone gets what they want, before he does.  

And although he will shrug this off, that is exactly what Christ calls us to do.  Let others go before us. Don't push our way to the front of the line.  Don't be first.  Put others before yourself.  Just like a servant puts his master before himself, we are to do the same.

Now in all honesty, I do sometimes go first in a line, just to get the line moving!  But as a rule, I will hang back, letting others get ahead of me, because it just isn't about me getting food.  I won't die if I don't eat at that moment.  I don't have to have the 'best seat'.  I don't have to have it all.  I can be last and be ok with it.

It's 'back to work Monday'... sigh.  I know there are things that I need to get done for work.  I also need to figure out how to share my screen and present slides at the board meeting on Valentine's day.  Yes, that is our next scheduled board meeting.  Should I pray it be cancelled?  I'd like to.  But I have to share the slides from my computer.  I have managed to NOT do it for the past year - but my boss is now insisting I take it over.  I tell him I can't do minutes if I have to do that - but now I have to figure it out. I don't want to even attend the meeting, let alone do the powerpoint slides!  But I need to send a meeting invite to my personal computer and practice so that I know how to get rid of the other things that pop up and do the slides. I told him I'd get it done.  Sigh.  I will not miss these once I'm gone.  And they really are not that hard to do - I just don't want to do them.  Done them for years at the past three jobs.  I don't want to do them.

My company has connected with Hello Heart and I was able to order a new blood pressure machine. I had a good one, but this one is synced to an app on my phone and each time I take my blood pressure, it records it in the app.  (I gave the other one to hubby to use)  It's pretty interesting, and I am dismayed that it does range usually in the low 130/70 range now.  I guess it comes with age... and frustration at hubby and kids, right?  I just took it and it was 138/75 with pulse at 54.  I usually wait a few minutes and take it again as sometimes it catches it on the upward beat and it is always higher.  Or it was the downward one first!  LOL  This one showed 144/82.  Yeah, but I think it is because I've been sitting for the past 2.5 hours and my butt has put pressure on the vessels.  That's a good excuse, right?  I should get up and walk and get the blood flowing first, right?  LOL  Also, they say if you take deep breaths before you take your BP, that it will come down as well.  I've done that in doctor's offices because I refuse to take BP pills.  And I'm terrified at some point they will tell me I have to.  But, by exercising and changing my eating habits, I should be able to keep it down.  I used to have low blood pressure - but it is working its way up - probably due to my life.  sigh.

Ok - gotta run and get ready for work!  It's going to be a beautiful day!

Blessings!

I got one thing done - and actually, maybe, two....

 I am pleased that I actually got some things done yesterday that I wanted to do.  Hubby wanted to go to breakfast after out quiet time - but I said no - and I cooked up my potato/egg/jalapeno pepper dish for us, and lots of fruit.  After breakfast he went to the post office for me and I debated on what I wanted to do.  Did I just want to sit down and read? (big temptation), or get something done.  I decided to start with the bookcase in my room.  You know, the one I keep complaining about.  I did forget that I wanted to move it to another location in here, but that's ok; I cleaned it up, from the top shelf to the bottom shelf.  I even started to read a journal that is on the shelf, thinking I need to get working on those if I am going to get through them before I die.  But it wasn't bad.  And after about a week of reading (yes, I get lengthy in my journals at times), I put it and all the others back on the shelf.  I didn't have time for that.  But I did get things straightened up, numerous papers thrown away, and it looks much nicer around my chair right now.  I'm happy with what I could do with it.  Even took some books and put back on the shelf in hubby's office.

Now THOSE books I would love to put in author order - which would take time - but hubby will not let me.  And, that is what we have 2 and sometimes 3 books alike... because when we want one, we forget we have it, or he wants to read it the same time I do so have to order an extra copy.  Some day, that is a task I will get accomplished.   

After we did a run somewhere; can't remember where, I noticed it was warm out enough that I could work in the garage.  Left my car in the driveway and started checking the cabinets to see where I could put the Christmas stuff back in.  I did not go through anything; there wasn't time for that.  But, I did move things around and was able to get things put away; boxes broken down for the recycle, and it looks much nicer now.  Hubby kept interrupting me with (to me, stupid) questions like 'are these all the boxes you are going to break up for recycle?'  Now, the reason is that I had a stack of boxes and I keep the larger ones for the recycle cache.  There were a few small ones that yes, I would get rid of. He knew that. He had nagged at me about getting the boxes cleaned out.  He would also ask 'Do you need help?' and I would always answer NO.  When I'm working on a project, I want to be left alone.  Always have been that way.  But, he likes to feel useful and needed.... but I just didn't want the interruption.  I wanted to be ALONE.  Make sense?  If I had said yes, he would have started throwing things away that I didn't want thrown away, and I'd have to watch what he was doing, and then have to give an explanation as to why I wanted to keep it, and then in exasperation, throw it away to shut him up.  Women will understand all that; men may - or may not.

But I did get my bookcase - and the garage - straightened up and it felt good to DO something and see progress.  I also moved some of the small appliances around - and got asked why.  Sigh.  Won't do anything today - it's Sunday and the day of REST.

Oh - as far as Thriftbooks and the marked up book I received?  I decided to send them an email - and was pleasantly surprised they responded the same day - and refunded my money, apologized for the marked up book, said to keep or discard.  I will be putting in the Savers bag.  I like buying from them because I can usually get a book for $4 - $5 and it is usually in decent condition.  And, I will order from them again.  I even order and give books as gifts; I tell the individual where I got it from, and although perhaps written in the front to someone, the inside of the book isn't marked up so perhaps they'd still read it.  It works.  I give a gift, only spend a few dollars, and we are all happy. 

John 4:24 (NKJV):  "God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth."

When we worship God, are we looking around, or is our focus on Him?  I've been at conferences, and being a people watcher sometimes, I notice some things.  For example, at a conference I was at last Fall, I saw a woman standing at the front during worship (some churches nowadays encourage worshippers to come up to the front area of the church before the worship team and worship) and she was doing everything BUT worship, in my opinion.  She had her hands lifted up in praise, but she was looking around as though she was looking for someone to join her.  She wasn't alone; there were people all around, but for me, it was distracting as I kept watching to see who or what she was watching for.  And that is why I close my eyes during worship - to keep from being distracted from other people and the things they do.  Some people get out in the aisle and dance. Some go to the front of the church and dance around.  I've even seen some of the musicians do the 'dance' on stage as they play.  To me that has become a performance, not a worship session.  Yeah, I'm a stickler on that.  I don't go to church to hear or see a performance of the worship team.  I go to church and join in the songs because I want to worship my Lord and King.  So I close my eyes.  I keep my focus on Him, not on those around me.  Or I try to, anyway.

Because our fast is now officially over, there is a danish in the refrigerator for breakfast (yum) - I know, not healthy.  Should stay on the healthy route.... but I'm also trying to clean out my freezer, and it's been in there since before Christmas.  Need to get rid of it, right?  Next weekend or so I want to clear out the freezer and defrost it when there isn't much in there.  I've made a big dent in it since Christmas for I quit buying things to put in there.  I have a ham in the refrigerator now thawing out.  We won't eat it all, obviously, so plan to take some over to my neighbors and share.  Maybe I'll fix something to go with it and just take over a meal. Hmmmm.  Hubby is so excited to eat meat again.  My daughter gave us leftover roast and potatoes so we will have it for lunch today.  Tonight we may have the ham, if it is thawed out enough to put in the oven.  Hubby is craving a steak - although I never have cooked steak often.  But cooking a ribeye in my air fryer is amazing.  Truly.  Just season it, then put a pat of butter on top of it and let it cook.  It is so juicy and tender and good you can almost cut it with a fork.  Now I just might be drooling!  LOL I don't have any in the freezer, nor do I plan to go to the store, so hubby will just have to eat what I fix him!

And, I need to jump off here and get in the shower before heading to church.  Our Worship pastor is speaking today - and the last two times we have heard him, he is really good.  There are some things about our church that I am still getting used to, but the preaching is right on.  Wishy washy pastors who feed the world just enough to pacify the congregation need to resign their positions.   God's Word stands alone and there is no need to sugar coat any of it.  

God said it.  I believe it.  That settles it.  Marriage is between a man and a woman.  He did not create Adam and Steve.  He created Adam and EVE.  And there are lots of other things in the Bible that some pastors seem confused about....  they want to 'grow' their numbers so they quit preaching the truth.  God will hold them accountable for that.  When the trumpet sounds, they won't be ready, that's for sure, nor will their people who haven't committed to Jesus as Lord.

Where do you stand?  It's not that we aren't to love others who disagree with God or with us - we are called to love them.  Jesus loved them, and He loved us while we were yet sinners.  But we are to be an example to them of Jesus.  And if we fail to do that, they may not come to know Jesus as Lord - and that is our cross to bear.  Are we living like Jesus, so that others see Him in us?  

Blessings!

It's too early for this stuff....

 I'm sitting here, trying to do my quiet time, and other things, and for the past hour my sister has been sending me 'stuff' she is finding on the computer.  Blogs of other Christian leaders, videos that she's found, etc.  I've told her before that 99% of the time I don't even open them.  Sending a funny video is one thing, but I don't have the luxury of time like she does and be all over the place looking for videos of things. I can only assume she has listened to them.  I could turn my phone off, which I may just do, except I have already read my Bible, written in my journal and had some quiet time.... and here I am writing in here.  She's actually up early today.  I don't respond to her texts as I don't want to disturb my time alone in here. Not yet, anyway.

Saturday.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I'm not sure why I couldn't sleep, I did have something on my mind and spent a lot of time praying about it.  In fact, the last time I looked at the clock it was 10:40AM.  I was awake still after that; I just refused to look at the clock. At 5AM I was awake and refusing to get up.  Finally did about 5:30-6AM I think, when hubby did.  It's Saturday, my day of getting things done, and I sure hope I can!  Or rather, I hope I will!  If the weather is halfway decent, I'll put on a jacket and get our Christmas things put in the cabinets in the garage.  If not, I'll work in here.  I simply must get some things done today.

I finished The Maker's Diet by Dr. Jordan Rubin last night in my reading.  I'm down to the recipes and I may review those again today and write some down, or make a copy of the page.  He also gives what to eat the first two weeks, 2nd two weeks, etc. to clean the toxins out of our bodies.  I do truly believe that a lot of our medical issues come from the food we eat and the crap they put in them.  But they make organic so expensive.  One would think that NOT giving cattle antibiotics and other things would make them cheaper, right?  But it doesn't because they have to have special foods and are really watched over to ensure they don't eat things they shouldn't.  How do I know this?  Because I watched a movie one time of a woman rancher who was raising organic cattle and her neighbor kept trying to give her cattle other things because he didn't like her.  Meany.  In the end, though, she marries the son of that man so all things worked out - and she managed HIS cattle and made them organic.  LOL  Anyway - cutting out some of these foods would not be a problem for me.  And the things we have been told NOT to eat, he says TO eat... they are good for you.  Figure that one out.

And, of course, things are coming out (still) about the covid vaccine we were (most of us) forced to get to keep our employment - or bought in to we had to have it to not get sick - and the heart issues they are causing many people.  I again have told hubby that if I am ever forced to have another shot of an experimental vaccine, I quit my job.  I will not put any more of that experimental drug (we were the guinea pigs) in my body.  I would rather get the sickness and pray my way through it.  Those of you who have had covid (with or without the vaccine) did survive. True, some did not.  But people get the flu at times and don't survive that either.  

Today is the last day of our fast. For some reason I kept thinking it was tomorrow, but no, it is today.  Hubby is happy about that.  I am too, in a way.  Tomorrow I can eat my crackers and bread. :-)  Today is also a grandson's birthday.  I can't keep track of their ages anymore.  Will need to send him a happy birthday text soon.

I started two more books last night - yes two.  Both are good.  One is a book by Pricilla Shirer and I got frustrated so ordered a new one. I had bought this one from Thriftbooks, where I pick up some of my books.  But this one is so marked up with big black circles and underlines and notes... it's distracting for me.  This is the second time I've gotten a book like that.  It will go in a Savers bag and I went online to Amazon and ordered a new one.  Yeah, it got my attention so I want to read it.  Another book I started after that misfortune I got through a couple chapters.  It's about faith.  Real faith.

Faith used to be my #1 spiritual gift.  If God said it, I believed it, that settled it.  I still believe that.  But I have such an ache in my heart over words my sister has said to me over the years, I hurt when I wonder if what she said is true of me, and it causes me to question who I am in Christ.  I believe she did it out of jealousy and envy because she 'can't get involved because of her hubby's sickness' - but she never was involved before that in church so I feel it's a crutch.  Not going there.  But pray as I do about forgetting what she has said, not just once, but other times, when it comes back, it makes me wonder who do I think I am.... I know who I am in Christ.... but the heaviness hangs on me.  I think that is some of what I was praying and dealing with last night as I laid in bed.  I believe with all my heart the things that I know.  It isn't me doubting.  But I often wonder what does God want me to do for Him.  Where does He want me to serve.  If I died right now, would I go to heaven - or hell.  Have I lived my life honoring Him, or for myself.

And then there is the issue about my hair.  Not going in to it, but that pain is there.  The uncertainty of what I possibly SHOULD do, and what I DESIRE to do.  They aren't the same.  Such grief follows me, sometimes I feel overwhelmed.

Ephesians 6:12-13 (NKJV):  "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."

Ah - the reminder that I need to daily put on the whole armor of God so that the evil things said and done in this world will not penetrate my heart or mind and I can be at peace in the midst of it.  The evil one comes at me in different ways, bringing up things of the past and stabbing my heart with his staff.  But God.  He is my Redeemer, my Friend, and I know that He is always with me.  When I take the time to - not search out why I feel this way (which is what I was doing last night, I think) - but to turn it over to Him (which I did before I finally fell asleep)  every word, every thought, every action, and ask for His protection to be over me, to remove those thoughts from my heart and my mind, that I may worship Him in spirit and in truth.  I am a Child of God and I belong to Him.  The more I lean in to Him, the more He is able to take care of me - no matter what comes at me.  It doesn't matter if it is a sibling, a child, a friend, or even an acquaintance.  God will shield me and take care of me.  I know it. I believe it. Why? Because He said He would.  He loves me.

And He loves you.  Got something bothering you today?  Offended?  Give it to Jesus.  Angry?  Give it to Jesus.  Run to Jesus and let Him bring you the peace that only He can give.  How do you think I get through each and every day?  I couldn't, on my own.  It's by His grace and His love for me that sustains me and keeps me in the palm of His hand.  There is no place I'd rather be, than right next to Jesus.

Blessings!

 

I had a good long talk...

 with our church administrator.... and I had 'run off' of the mouth about my opinions.  Of course I did.  Don't ask me a question and not expect me to give you an honest answer!  No, it wasn't that bad.  She actually called me about our non-existent class, and that they wanted to keep it 'open' in that as people come in to the church and if they mention they'd like to attend a discipleship class, this can be offered.  I reminded that they cannot attend if the class is three weeks in to a section, and they would have to wait and she said that was fine - we could tell them when the next section would start.  

We moved on to the women's ministry; I had signed up to help with food for our women's group.  We only meet every other month at this time.  I love to cook and bake so volunteered to help.  She shared some things that is going on in that area.  We talked about our pastors.... and I told her that our pastor's wife had text'd me early yesterday morning for hubby to come see him at the church before noon that day... he had time available.  So I called hubby and told him (he was at breakfast with a friend) - he went after breakfast to meet with the pastor.  I know what he wanted to talk about... no, not about me, although I'm probably his biggest pain.

Anyway, I told the administrator (who is now keeping our pastor's calendar as it was all over the place and he needed an admin to keep it organized) that hubby would be meeting with him at 10:30AM.  And, that started my deluge of personal thoughts.  I told her I was having difficulty feeling connected at the church.  We have met some people, I've tried to get involved in different things with women's ministry, but I'm just not feeling connected.  She was a sweetheart and expressed her dismay that I felt that way.  So we talked about it and she offered areas that I/we could step up in to and get more involved within the church.  There were a couple things that I could agree to pray about and see if that is something I want to take on.  And I really need to think this all through.  

I've gotten lazy in my old age and working from home.  Although the way this week has gone, I really have been longing for retirement cause I just don't want to do this anymore, and yet, I enjoy my job.  It's just some of the things that I really do not like.  Like board meetings, expense reports, travel arrangements, etc.  Never have liked those.  Anyway... I often wonder about the time I feel I've lost - or gained - by working from home.  It does have its advantages.  I get dressed when I feel like it. I eat when I want to. I get up and walk around the house. I bake cookies when I want to. I get dinner started early if I have something laid out.   I like working from home.  I miss the social interaction with others.

I know - figure that one out!  I'm working from home and possibly saving myself 3 hours a day (no kidding!!) and yet, I feel I don't have much time.  I used to get up at 4AM; have my quiet time from 4-5AM; 5-6AM I would get dressed for work, and out the door to work by 7AM.  Left work at 4PM, and most days it would take 1.5 to 2 hours to get back home.  We'd figure out dinner, and then I usually had a class to work on, and I would take time to study for that, and there was a time I took a college class as well.  I would get to bed around 10-11PM most nights and I was good with that.

And now?  I get up at 4AM, have my quiet time until 7AM (ok, sometimes I fall back to sleep, but when I don't, I can read more, be quiet more, write more, and type in here. (Remember when it was hit and miss and I'd do it from the office as a rule)  7AM I'm on the work computer, get dressed after I review emails, grab a shake for breakfast, and sit in front of the computer the rest of the day, unless I have a lunch to go to, until 4PM when I shut down.  I go into the kitchen to fix dinner, or we go out to eat.  Then back home to (now) to read or crochet. We now go to bed around 8:30PM except on weekends and we may - rarely - stay up until 10PM, if we are watching a movie.

And I feel I don't have time.  And I feel so disorganized.  Probably because I really don't have a class to study for, prepare for.  And I go to bed early which eliminates an hour or two of other things. And I crochet now, which I didn't before.  I really need to evaluate what do I want to do.  Where do I really want to go with this feeling.  I know I want to serve God however I can.  I want to be obedient to Him and whatever He calls me to do.  Yes, I'm still speaking at the RV parks currently - and I need to get a message pulled together since I will be speaking the 2nd Sunday in February.  3rd Sunday too, I think.  I do need to get on that as it will be here before we know it.  That means I need to work on it this weekend.

Hubby just opened my door..... he is heading out to breakfast and bible study with his friends.  Perhaps I'm jealous that I can't do that.  Just thinking aloud.... maybe I can choose a time once a month (for me) that I can get with a few women from church and just dive into a Bible study together.  At a restaurant that isn't too busy.  Where we can eat and talk and discuss things.  There isn't a place here that hubby can go to while I do it at home..... if he goes into his 'office', the 'door' is still open... cause there isn't one.  Ok - I'm rambling in my thoughts now.  Another boring blog, right? Just an old woman rambling with her thoughts.

James 4:10 (NIV):  "Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up."

The truth be known, I only want to serve the Lord.  When I first rededicated my life to God and changed my life, got involved in prayer and prayer activities, I would pray that I could be like Anna in the bible.  You remember Anna, right?   She was the woman who saw Jesus as a baby when Mary and Joseph brought Him to the temple to be dedicated.  Simon was there too, remember?  I wanted to stay in the 'courts of the Lord' and never leave.  I seriously thought about how I could do that.  I had read stories of women who lived at the church in the prayer room and was constantly in prayer.  That was my longing.  But I couldn't step away from my family or responsibilities.  So I made my home my sanctuary at times when I 'locked' myself in a room for a day or part of a day.  Drove hubby crazy I shut him out too.  I so long to get away by myself (which is why I love the times he is busy and I'm home alone - even if I do things while he is gone) and just focus on Jesus and be quiet before Him and let Him speak to me.

Fasting is one way we humble ourselves before the Lord.  Giving up specific foods (or all foods) to spend time with Him.  Hubby has not mentioned turning the tv on since that one time.  I'm proud of him, and told him so.  And I have loved having the quiet in the evenings.  But alas, our fast ends tomorrow at midnight.  21 days.  We have (I think) stuck with our food commitment.  Yeah, mine ended up evolving to the BBCD - and believe it or not - I've even left my saltine crackers alone, although that was a real struggle.  I love saltine crackers - even by themselves!  Hubby has mentioned 'toast' a couple times when he tells me what he's eaten... but I don't say anything.  I think he just forgets and that's between him and God.  I'm not the one to watch over his eating during a fast.  I cook what we agreed to eat.  I have a feeling, though, that come Sunday, we will be having steak for either lunch or dinner! LOL Or a big burger.  I still have a Red Robin gift card I got from Ms. Diane for Christmas so that might be lunch.

And, I need to get up and get moving as the time is getting away from me.  So I leave you with this thought - what have you done to humble yourself before the Lord lately?

Blessings!

Well, she did confess it....

 My little sister has a shopping addiction.  I've had it myself at times, I admit it.  But, I hope, I manage to control it most times.  But sometimes she gets out of control.  She had latched on to this new Temu that you see on Facebook.  I've looked at it a few times, but have resisted buying from it.  Prices are great; I can't deny that.  And, according to my sister, quality is good as well.  (so how can they sell so cheap?  I don't know)  For example, she said the other day her hubby told her he thought she shouldn't wear sweatshirts with sayings on them anymore (she has a lot of Jesus sayings on her sweatshirts) and I have no idea why he would even say that... I really don't... but because she said he did.... she went to Temu and bought 7 new sweatshirts, a pair of sandals, and I forget what else she bought.  

Anyway, what has brought this thought up is that last night she was sending me via messenger several (ok, 4) links to Temu with 'spin to win' things.  I don't do those things.  So I sent a note to her to stop sending them to me; I wasn't going to play along and tempt myself to buy something I really don't need.  To stop looking at Temu and quit ordering things!   She smart-mouth'd me back that she was just calling their bluff to see if she'd win a prize.  Uh huh.  I told her I was trying to 'save her from herself' by telling her to quit shopping at all - and she said she deleted the app.  She admitted she shops too much and buys too much.

I know, I know.  I bought some things from JCP last week.  I bought two dresses, two jackets for the dresses that I can interchange with other outfits, and a skirt.  Granted, I don't go in to the office anymore, but I do go to church....  and I don't see myself buying anymore for a long while, and I haven't bought for a long while.  But, it's nice to get something new to wear once in awhile.  I've worn the same 4-5 dresses for the past 4 years.  I may look, but I don't always buy.  In fact, I've been reining in all shopping since Christmas!  I spent way too much money.  My family has grown and I may as well spend it on them now and see them enjoy it, rather than (if there is any left) they get it after I'm gone, right?  I like to think I'm spending my children's inheritance.  LOL

I think my children would prefer I get the clutter out of my house and things in order than to leave them money AND they still have to clean out my house.  My siblings used to tell our mother that (when she lived in her house and when she lived in the trailer) when she died, they would just have a goodwill truck back up to the door and start carrying things out.  Almost seems like I was told that a time or two as well.  It seems that like every time we have moved in the past 42 years I have had one or two truckloads of things donated and thrown away.  I think the biggest was this last move - it broke my heart to get rid of some things and I have no idea what I did get rid of.... nothing without my knowledge, I'm sure ... but nevertheless, I had no place to put it.  And I still have more things stored I need to let go of. And when the weather warms up some, I plan to do just that.  I still haven't gotten the Christmas things put in the cabinets in the garage; they are sitting in the way, while I wait for the weather to warm up.  Or I get energetic enough to just do it.

Philippians 4:8 (NIV):  "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

Ouch. After I typed that verse out, I went up and deleted some of the things I wrote... why?  Because they were just comments that didn't need to be said.  We all do that, don't we.  Sarcastic or snotty comments sometimes just come naturally.  I do it.  My oldest son is very good at it. :-)  But, sometimes our sarcastic and snotty comments aren't really nice, or they hurt people.  We truly don't want to hurt people, and my sister would be livid if she knew I wrote about her occasionally, well, about the things I do write about - which are usually her 'faults'.  I guess I need to remove the log in my own eye before I try to help her get rid of the one in hers, huh?

Matthew 7:5 (NIV):  "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Big ouch.  Guess I need to shut my mouth when I do the same thing, huh! Only not as often. (Justification?)

Gotta go - I'm out of time.  Have a great day - hope this gives you something to think about!

Blessings!

I asked, He answered...

 Remember yesterday when I talked about going to the Japanese Friendship Garden for the tea tour and it was raining?  Well, we went.  It sprinkled off and on all the way there.  We got there with two minutes to spare.  They were literally standing at the gate, waiting on us.  Actually, there were only 4 of us on this tea tour - two other women and us.  Our guide, Henry, stopped us frequently on the way to the 'tea house' to talk about the Japanese culture and how green everything is in the garden.  There were waterfalls, there were koi fish in the water - it was all so peaceful, so beautiful.  Henry told us that actually that day, with it's dampness, and coolness, was the best day to attend the garden, because.... and he showed us many trees and bushes with the raindrops on them - and shared how if one allows themself, while looking at the leaves with the droplets of water, listen to the waterfalls... it can bring peace.  

And the rain stopped when we got out of the car.  We walked through the garden, to the tea house.  Inside the tea house we were greeted by two women who bowed to us and invited us in.  We were served three different kinds of tea and a few Japanese snacks.  It was very informative and interesting.  Hubby and I both chose the same tea that we liked best - I like sen cha as well, but the gamicha (or something like that) was one we both liked.  As for the snacks, I liked the sweet treat and the rice crackers, hubby liked whatever that was wrapped in seaweed.  (yeck)  We partook of the three samples of tea and ate the snacks, and then the tea was over.  They had a few items there that we could purchase (and of course I did - including buying myself a Japanese tea set.  Why not?  I also bought a bag of the tea we liked, and bought hubby the snack he liked, and I bought myself the rice crackers.  

After the tea, we were taken around outside the tea house and again the nature of the Japanese garden was explained to us.  We both really enjoyed the visit there.  I told hubby I would go again, but not for the tea, since we have done it once.  But just to walk through the garden and just feel the peace and serenity that is there.  The quietness.  We could have stayed and walked around the garden more on our own, but nature called and after that we decided to leave as it was past lunchtime.  Stopped at El Pollo Loco on the way home and got home then around 2PM.

And instead of getting in here and working on the bookcase like I wanted.... I did nothing.  No, I didn't take a nap.  But, I did come in here and just sit in my chair.  No light. No noise. No computer. No book.  I just sat here for a short while.  I didn't want to lose the peace I had felt.  Refreshing.  I needed to put a pause on my life and just rest.  By 4PM I grabbed my things and headed over to my daughter's.  We hadn't gotten together in about 3-4 weeks due to various things.  And that's ok.   

So that was my day... and it was a very good day.  God answered my prayer by keeping the rain away while we were at the garden, and I had rain all the way home from my daughter's later in the evening.  

I'm 'back at work' today.... I must admit that yesterday I was really wishing I didn't have to; that I had taken more time off (but for what?).  I did nothing productive these past two days.  Well, we went to lunch on Monday and Tuesday the Tea Garden.  I wanted to do so much here at home and yet - I did nothing.  And that's not so much a bad thing, except I'm still sitting here looking at it all.  Maybe I will feel motivated to do a shelf at a time within the next few days.  Will see.  Honestly, for some stupid reason, when hubby is home, I don't want to do anything.  I think part of it is that in the past, he would have to watch everything I sorted through - what am I getting rid of - and why - and why am I keeping that?  Yeah - been through that a few times - and now I can't even clean out drawers without feeling he will be looking over my shoulder.  Which he probably wouldn't now, but that memory is still there.

I have my training tonight at 5PM too.  I have actually developed biceps - and yes, I'm proud of them!  I think I've mentioned that before, come to think about it.  And that my DIL's biceps are much larger than mine will ever be!  Not that she 'works out', but it's her job.  So proud of her and what she does.  My trainer really worked my shoulders last Monday.  Interestingly, I wasn't sore, like I thought I would be.  Yet, it was hard doing those sets!  But, he is trying to give me some shoulders; mine have always been small.

Psalm 116:7 (NIV):  "Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."

A simple verse, and yet, it says so much.  We get so caught up in the busyness of life, spouses, children, grandchildren - jobs, activities, things we have to do, things we enjoy doing..... we get to be such busy people..... we don't take time for the rest that God has for us.

How do I know that?  Because I got to experience it yesterday at the tea garden.  I have been so mentally weary and tired, even more so than body tired.  My body has just gotten lazy, not tired.  But my mind - my mental status - has just been weighed down with so many thoughts, so many things going on that I want to do - things I can't do - and well, just life itself.  My heart longs to be free of it all so that I can truly enjoy life.... but life itself prevents me from doing that.  My soul has been distraught, longing to be one with my Creator.  Yearning for the peace that only He can offer me.  The peace, the silence, the oneness with Him.

Have you ever felt that?  That you don't want to talk to anyone.  You don't even want to think.  You just want 'to be'.  Does that make sense?  Have you ever just wanted to close your eyes and feel the closeness of God, to sense His nearness, to feel His love for you?  It is the most wonderful feeling you could ever experience.  And in the busyness of our lives, we push Him out, because we 'don't have time for Jesus' - and that is our downfall.

Oh how I wish I could take days off work (or retire completely!) and to be able to perhaps get a small water fountain to put at the back of the house, and sit outside (when it's nice out), and just relax in the holy presence of God.  Oh the thoughts of how to design that back area have come to mind - and yet, I know I will never do them.  Perhaps in the far back room I could make it my sanctuary?  Wouldn't that be nice!  And yet, it would be invaded.... some day.  I need to get rid of my treadmill... I don't use it anyway.  I should.  But I don't. .... dreaming of what I could do to find my sanctuary.... how much of a battle will it be for me... the longing, the pain of resistance... ah.... life.

And, I need to get off here and start pulling my day together.  Shower first, then on to work.  Regardless of what we feel, I pray that we all pause for a moment and thank God for today.  He created it - and gave it to us.  What are we going to do with it?  May all we do and say bring Him glory.

Blessings!

Rain, rain, go away.....

 come again some other day.... remember that song?  Well, that's what I'm thinking (and prayed for!) this morning.  We are to go to the Japanese Friendship Garden today at 10AM and it has still been raining, and predictions for the day sure don't look good.  But God.  I asked Him to stop it so that we could go and make some memories there.  Will He answer me and say yes?  I don't know.  I reckon we will find out if my prayer is answered!  I really would like to go and be able to stroll through the gardens there, partake of their different teas, etc.  More tomorrow!  My second day off work - hope it goes well.

Yesterday was fun - sorta.  The morning I spent numerous moments on the computer getting people to approve their timecards, then one supervisor messed hers up and gave her self 88 hours so I had to tell her to go in and unapprove her timecard and fix it, then approve it, so that I could approve it.  Finally got them all approved and done by about 10AM.  

Then we got ready and headed over to Chili's to have lunch with our trainer and his girlfriend and had a great time.  Oh my goodness!  They have a hamburger that is called the 'Rancher Burger', I think.... our trainer got it - and could not eat it all!  Two hamburgers, topped with all kinds of things, and 6 slices of bacon.  It was huge!  When I saw him last night for training, he said he was still real full.  I had soup and salad, mainly because I wasn't that hungry and didn't want a lot. And it did fill me up - then.  I was hungry somewhat last night but didn't fix anything other than a protein shake.  Hubby had shrimp fajitas and he wasn't hungry - but while I was gone, he said he did eat some of the vegetables we have in the refrigerator.  LOL  He won't go to the trouble of heating or fixing anything, but will much on whatever is available in the refrigerator that doesn't need preparation.  I had cut up carrots earlier, and juiced grapefruit (still have a lot of oranges and grapefruit to do - anyone want any?) so it's available.  

Reading The Maker's Diet by Dr. Jordan Rubin.  I had read it many years ago.  This book is updated and expanded. At age 19 he became deathly ill and long story short, nearly died.  He dove in to the Bible to see what God said to eat - and changed the way he ate - and within 30 days was feeling stronger and more healthy and able to do things.  Today he is a doctor of nutritional medicine and speaks and travels and is enjoying life.  He said he knew that God had something for him, but he had to find it first.  He had to find what has been taken away from us by eating junk foods, processed foods, and things that destroy our bodies. I read about 2-3 hours in it last night and have mainly read about his story.  Going from 190 pounds and an active life in college to 115 pounds or less and in a wheelchair.  He's not that way now; I watched him on Lance Wallnau's website.  I love my food, that's my problem.  And I generally like all foods.

One thing that stood out for hubby - lol - red meat is good for you (providing it is good red meat). And you can eat it frequently.  Pork is bad for you. (goodbye to pork ribs, ham, etc?  but it tastes so good!!)   I read until I couldn't read anymore last night.  Skimmed through some of the recipes at the back of the book.  I know we should eat right - and since I do the cooking, I should cook better.  But it is so easy to go to the processed foods to prepare, right?  It's not that I am cooking so badly, and I don't cook like I did years ago with the box stuff... but I don't always fix healthy foods.  Hubby will eat whatever I put before him, good or bad.  I fixed it for him; he eats it. No questions asked as to what's in it. It's food.  So will I follow all this stuff I read?  Probably not.  I'm lazy.  I like it easy.  And there isn't anything wrong with either of us that our food is an issue.  We don't have any diseases or things wrong (thank God!) other than cholesterol or thyroid.... well, hubby does but nothing major.  But, I can help prevent them if we did eat better, although we don't really eat THAT bad - unless we go out to eat.  

James 1:5 (NIV):  "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

I've told you before how many times I cry out "Lord, HELP!" when I'm trying to make a decision, or trying to do something.  I have to frequently call out to Him to give me wisdom to learn something, to help me to understand things.  I'm dreading having to learn the LMS thing at work.  I hated having to learn how to do timecards.  I don't like things being given to me to learn that I have to do.  And I have to constantly call out "Lord please HELP me!"  And there is nothing wrong with that.

God wants us to call on Him to help us in our trials - and tribulations.  Life is hard, wouldn't you agree?  Things happen with our jobs, with our families, with life - and life is hard to get through.  Things don't always go the way we think they should - or that we want them to.  Today, for example - we are to go make a memory.  The rain is interfering.  Lord, Help!  Let's see what will happen.  Currently the rain has stopped.  Here, anyway.  Doesn't mean it will be stopped there.  And even if it doesn't, it is more important we have an enjoyable time and make a memory.  A little water might melt some of these pounds off me (sugar melts, right?).  cough cough

I lack a lot of wisdom in a lot of areas.  I can look back over my life and see a lot of stupid things I did and wish I had called on God to help me make the right choices.  Habits formed then sometimes still come out in me.  Sometimes I recognize them, sometimes I don't.  Attitudes that developed over the years aren't always the best.  Situations that happened to me have helped form me - and sometimes I need to forgive and forget, and move on without that hanging on to me.  I need wisdom.  Lots of it. I need to learn how to live life completely dependent upon God and what He has for me.

Some times things aren't always my choice.  My prayer is that I will always seek His face for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding of why people do the things they do, what I do the things I do - and what can I do to get myself out of things that I don't want to be in.  I think that happens to all of us.  We have great dreams and plans - and even when we ask God and feel the answer is 'yes' - they sometimes fail.  Why?  I don't know. Perhaps we leaned more into our abilities instead of leaning into Him to give us direction.  I want to do so much... I want to create.  I want to make a difference in people's lives, beginning with my own children, grandchildren, great grandchildren.  I want to leave a good legacy of love and hope and abilities to do whatever they chose to do.  But one thing I know - I must lean into my Creator, my God, to help me by giving me wisdom to face each day.  So where are you at with that? Still doing things on your own abilities?  Maybe you need to step back and ask God for wisdom today too.  It's not a bad thing....

Blessings!

I must admit I am somewhat disappointed....

 I've used the word 'frustrated' before in talking about trying to get this discipleship class started at our church.  And I'm disappointed with no one signing up... but God kind of revealed another thing to me that I really hadn't thought of.  I am grieved.  Grieved in that no one was interested in growing in Christ.  To learn more about a disciplined line in walking with Him.  I don't get it.  And yet, I do.  This is the first year this church has had these 'heart crews' and it's hard to get people involved in some new stuff.  And yet, there have been heart crews before; hubby and I had joined one a bit over a year ago, remember?  I feel that if we had the class at church, there would have been some to attend.  But, even I don't like going to someone else's home that I don't know.  I just checked, and no one has signed up so I guess I'm not facilitating it.  But, I will go ahead and make a batch of soup (though much smaller than planned) and mix up the salad (I can share with my neighbors) that I had planned for tonight.  Just in case.  But they don't have our address, just the cross streets, so doubt if anyone comes.  I told the administrator yesterday morning that I had accepted that 1) it may not be the time for discipleship and 2) God has shut the door as He sees the future and tying up a year of my time is not feasible at this time.  

So, since I really wanted to go through discipleship to reground myself in my disciplined walk with Jesus, I decided this morning to do it on my own.  So I read through the book. I wrote in my journal. I've read the scriptures and wrote what I got out of it......  I will do it for ME.  It takes 3 weeks to form a habit, and another 3 weeks to ground it in to myself.  So - here's to the next 6 weeks!  Praying I don't quit (see, I need the discipline!) and will continue at least through the first 9 weeks to go back to my 'roots' of discipline.

I took today off work since I had taken tomorrow off to go to the Japanese Friendship Garden downtown.  I'm hoping the weather will work for us, but hubby says more rain is intermittent on Tuesday.  I plan to check online to see if there is a 'raincheck' available or is there a covering.  I was under the impression one just walks through the outdoor gardens.... I don't know.  Will check it out before we go, for sure.  I do hope the weather clears up.  I do need to jump online long enough to approve timecards; I had forgotten I needed to do that today. That will take only about 5 minutes so no problem.  Maybe clear a few emails too.

Hubby has his workout at 8:30AM this morning.  Then we are meeting our trainer and his girlfriend at 11AM for lunch.  I have my workout at 4:30PM today.  And in between those things, I'm hoping to get some things done - but you know how hard it is for me to do that when hubby is home.  Pray for me I can overlook his interruptions.  I actually think I will start with this bookcase this morning - I can get it emptied and start going through what things I have stacked on it while he's gone.  I might even be able to get it completed.  Will see how that goes. 

It was a nice weekend.  Saturday, as I shared, I went to the women's thing at church.  Yesterday was church... and last night we were invited to join my daughter's birthday celebration.  We went and had a good time.  The little one was dressed as Princess Elsa from Frozen.  Reminds me I have a photo of another Princess Elsa and her mother had made her the dress.  Love my great-granddaughters so much! And my granddaughters too, of course!

Almost thinking I should work today and save my PTO - but then - WHY?  I have the hours - I deserve to take time off.  Others often take two weeks at a time - so why do I feel guilty about taking two days?The job does not need me.  They can manage quite well without me. Years ago I often thought how could the company do without me... and yet, imagine this... when I left... they just moved someone else into my position.  Huh.  I guess I wasn't as important as I thought I was.  I enjoy keeping busy and having extra money that I can buy things when I want to... but I need to start reining myself in.  I really do want to NOT work some day.  But, for now, all we'd do is sit around the house, so I may as well work, right?  

I don't envy those who retire and travel and do things.  I really don't.  Hubby is too old to do much traveling and always has his leg shunt as an excuse when he doesn't want to.  I'm content to stay home and bake and cook and give food away to my family and neighbors.  Give me a good book to read in my down time.  Give me yarn or material in which to be creative.  But give me a cookbook and ingredients and tell me to create... yeah, I'm all over that!  LOL

I got a few things in my combo box this weekend that I need to experiment with - tomatillos - I've never used them before.  But, my granddaughter and I were discussing the green salsa at Abuelo's last night - it had a bit of citrus taste in it - not the avocado that I was used to - but tomatillos and pineapple and other things - So why not find the recipe and see how I can make it!  I also got 4 beets that I learned before how to cook - so I'm anxious to make those too.  And we got onions.... they are actually called 'grilling onions' - but I can chop up and put in something.  I love making food and giving it away.  I want to make cookies today too and send to the grandson in NM.  I forgot to make his cookies at Christmas.  Oops.  Thought I'd make some and surprise him.  And right now, I can't even taste them since we are on the fast.  Hmmm - maybe I'll wait another week. :-)

Matthew 7:7-8 (NIV):  "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

Ask - Seek - Knock.  Three words that we rarely do.  Oh we may ask and knock.... but how often do we seek that for which we want to find?  That's what life is about.  We want things - so ask.  We need things, so seek for them.  And when we need something - and we go to God in prayer, knock on His door - the door of heaven!  Keep knocking until you get an answer!

Granted, sometimes the answer is no.  But sometimes, the answer is yes and He is just waiting for you to knock on the door and ASK for it.  So many times we want things handed to us just because we think we want them.  But many times, when we think we want them... that is all it is.  We don't really want them.  We just think it would be nice to have - yet, when we get, it goes on a shelf.

I'm really guilty of that.  For example, and I'm telling on myself.  I was talking to someone and they mentioned how much they love their spiralizer in making zucchini noodles and other things... and I thought to myself... "I need one of those" - so I ordered it.  I used it once.  It's still in the box sitting out in the garage.  Did I really WANT it?  Or did I really NEED it?  No, but I have one.  And I need to use it.  LOL Just happened to think... I had a popcorn popper I had only used a few times.  After a year ago when hubby got choked on popcorn and then we found the blood clot near his heart and the one in his lung from the x-rays from his hospital visit (see, that was a God thing for him to get choked - we never would have known!) - I quit making popcorn. (now I buy myself some)  So the popcorn popper was up in the cabinet.  I was looking for something and my granddaughter was standing with me and saw the popcorn popper and asked if that was what it was and I said yes.  I asked if she wanted it.  She did.  I got to give to her - and since we don't use it anymore - it's out of my hair!   Things I 'have to have' and then use once (maybe).  I need to get these things out of cabinets and put them where I can use them easily - and start using them! And get rid of the things I don't!   Anyone want a mini waffle maker?  I mean those little dash ones.  I have two; plus one that makes french toast, I think it is, and another that you put eggs in.  I think.  I won two of those - I didn't buy them.

Anyway - I've rambled on enough. It's after 7AM and I need to get those timecards approved and done with.  Then the day is mine.  For awhile, anyway.  Enjoy your Monday!

Blessings!

It's someone's birthday today!

 Nope, not mine.  My firstborn.  My daughter.  I still remember how naive and young I was.  I didn't understand what it was all about.  Hubby was in Viet Nam; I was living with my in-laws.  3 1/2 weeks past the due date, people were beginning to talk (I heard) as to whether this child belonged to my hubby or someone else.  I KNEW it was no one else.  He was my soulmate and there was no other.  I woke up at 4AM that morning with a bad backache.  I had no idea why. (I told you I was naive)  I finally got up and my MIL was up and I told her what was going on.  That's all I had; a backache.  So we sat down to play UNO, a card game we often played together.  About 7AM I started filling little twinges, and told my MIL and she suggested I call the doctor.  I did, and he told me to go on to the hospital.  Mind you, my due date had been December 29 and here it was January 21..... so we go to the doctor and they immediately put me on a drip of some sort that made me drowsy.  No kidding.  I felt nothing because they had sedated me, I think.  My MIL got to stay in the labor room with me since hubby wasn't there.  The nurses would come in and awaken me and ask if I was feeling anything, and I'd go 'yeah, yeah' and close my eyes and go back to sleep.  I knew nothing until it was all over.  I found out later that because I was so large (I had gained 50 pounds which was a lot back then!) the doctor thought there might be twins (this is before ultrasounds) or even the possibility that there could be a deformity, and he didn't want me to know it until afterwards.  (Around that time I think, several babies were born without arms or legs because of a drug pregnant women had been given.  I hadn't had it so there wasn't a worry, but the doctor wanted to play it safe)  Plus the fact that my hubby was in Viet Name and not with me, he didn't want me to face it alone.  

But all went well, according to the doctor's plan; I slept through labor and delivered without mishap.  Perhaps that is why when my second child was born, I had no clue what was going on when I was in such pain!  I did NOT have a caring doctor that time and they let the pain take over!  And they even told me to shut up!  Can you even imagine??!!  Enough of that until his birthday.  Maybe.

Day 14 of our fast and hubby is starting to grumble a bit.  He misses his TV.  He commented yesterday that he is getting tired of reading all the time.  Me, shocked, replied "Really?  I'm enjoying having the time and quiet to read!!"  And that's the difference in the things that we enjoy. :-)  Not that either is bad, but I prefer enhancing the mind and enjoying a good story versus watching the boob tube.  Why did it ever get called the boob tube anyway?   LOL  I just googled it. 

"The phrase likely stemmed from the process by which televisions exhibited images, each inside bulky, antennae-topped box as a cathode-ray tube, which funneled electrons straight to the glass screen."

"The word 'boob' traces from the Spanish bobo meaning stupid, which comes from the Latin balbus meaning stammering..."  and I lost the rest of the definition.

I have been known to call it the 'stupid tube' to hubby because he tends to watch it frequently.  So, yes, it has been so nice the past two weeks to NOT have it on and be able to read in the evenings or crochet or just be quiet.  I asked him the other day did he notice he wasn't sleeping as much during the day.  Around 2PM he would turn the TV on and within 30 minutes or less, he would be asleep and sleep for at least and hour and sometimes more.  Then he would complain he couldn't stay asleep at night.  And, for some reason, he seems to be sleeping a bit better right now.  Hello?  Could there be a correlation?  He doesn't think so, but I do.

But it was me last night that had trouble staying asleep.  I finished a book last night I had started a couple weeks ago.  It was a good book by John Bevere.  Hubby went to bed about 1/2 hour before I did and he was sound asleep.  It was about 9PM, I'd guess.... but I just couldn't get to sleep.  So this morning I didn't want to get up.... I felt hubby get up and I tried to go back to sleep, but the mind wouldn't let me, so I got up as well.  Got my coffee and well, here is where I have sat for the past two hours doing my reading and quiet time.  I may take a nap this afternoon (instead of getting in here and clearing out some of this clutter like I want to. Sigh.  It's just hard to do when hubby is home - and when he isn't, I'm so excited about alone time that I forget and do other things!)

I have a 4 day weekend and it's already filling up.  Yesterday we had a women's 'thing' at church so went to that, and then went to Sam's club.  Came home and got things put away.  I think I fixed dinner last night but I don't remember what it was now.  I remember we used paper plates.  Oh yeah, I bought street tacos with chicken and we ate those.  This morning we have church.  Crew leaders (which is what they call those who are facilitating classes) are to be in the lobby after church to promote their classes. I told the administrator yesterday that I've reached the point of not caring if we get anyone to join or not. I told her that I have been frustrated over trying to get the word out, having to do it in our home and therefore limiting it to six people, and perhaps this isn't the time to have it.  Perhaps it is a closed door - and I've decided I don't care if it is.  I'll know more tomorrow as signups will be today and if no one signs up, and I will verify that tomorrow morning, I don't need to worry about it.  Even if one woman signs up, I will do it.  If it is one man, then hubby will have to take it on, for I cannot teach a man by myself.  (come to think about it, that would give me a 'free' evening, huh!)  But I love teaching and I love sharing Jesus with others.... I would be the one losing.

Tonight we have been invited to meet with the daughter and her family for dinner at Abuelo's, one of my favorite places to go to.  Tomorrow, at lunch time, we have plans with our trainer and his girlfriend.  If we have class, it is tomorrow night.  Tuesday, we have the Japanese Friendship Gardens.  I sure do hope it doesn't rain as it is to start today, I think.  Tuesday night would be 'girls night out' maybe... we haven't met in about 3 weeks.  Will see.  Back to work on Wednesday.  Which I will probably repeat daily until then.

Galatians 6:7-8 (NIV):  "Do not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

How many times have we done something stupid (or wrong) and wondered why it turned out like it did?  For an example, and that is all it is - it is just what popped into my mind - say we drink to excess and get drunk.  We get in a car and drive and hit someone.  We get arrested and go to court.  And so on.  Who do we have to blame for all that?  It was OUR choice to do that.  And yet, many people would blame God that He allowed that to happen to them. Why didn't He protect them?  Why didn't He stop them?  For one reason only.

God gave us free will.  He gave us the ability to make our own choices.  If we choose to live without His guidance and direction from His Word, it's on us.  That argument with the spouse?  or our child?  It's our 'free will' letting go.  Not that it doesn't happen at times when we DO follow God, but we should be able to control our emotions when we are His.  We are human; we often fail.  I know I do.  In many ways.  But God offers His grace to us to forgive us.

If you have turned your back on God because He didn't do what you wanted Him to do right then (or ever), please repent and turn back to Him.  There is no other way.  Teach your spouse, teach your children to follow Him by your example.  Jesus is the ONLY way to heaven.  I do not want my children to fall into hell because of me.  I don't want them to burn in the eternal fire.  I want them to run freely in heaven.  Cry out to God for their salvation and pray over them that they will seek and find Him while there is still time.  Our lives can be taken in a moment, without notice.  Will we be burdened with guilt if our child, our friends, do not know Him when we could have told them?   Repent, and turn to Jesus.  He truly is the only way.

Blessings!

Off for a couple days - yay!

 I'm taking Monday and Tuesday off work next week.  Tuesday, because we got a Christmas gift from a grandson and his wife to go to the Japanese Friendship Garden downtown.  I think they forgot I work during the day.... so had to take the day off.  No big deal.  I deserve a break, and the day of the tickets there isn't much happening.  I decided to also take Monday off and have a four day weekend.  We've already got a lunch scheduled with our trainer and his girlfriend on Monday.  Other than that - prepare for class Monday evening (will share on that later) and maybe girls night out with my daughter on Tuesday.

But, before I shut the computer off last night... sigh.... I saw an email from one of my bosses that began with "I'm sorry, but...." and I wondered what that was about so opened it up to see.  Sigh.  He says I have to take a LMS class... LMS are the letters for Legal Management System.... and I will have to go into the system at least once a month to terminate contracts.  Yes, "I want to retire" immediately came to the surface!  I don't want to learn!  Well, it's not really that... if I was in the office, I'd have no problem with learning it, because I would be in that environment.  Do you realize how hard it is to focus and learn things for work here from home?  My mind just doesn't want to!!  But I will have to.  I should push myself to learn more and excel more in my job.  But I don't want to.  I don't have the desire, nor do I need to push towards a bigger career.  I'm past the career stage.  I want my career to be serving like Jesus, not working in an office.  And yet, I can really do both. sigh.  

I need to do something productive this weekend in this room so that I can clear my head.  Maybe it's the clutter I still have around me and don't know what to do with that is causing this heaviness?  I just had a thought - and that might help.  More on that thought later.. if it comes to being completed.  Or even started.

Today we have a women's thing at church that I plan to go to.  Our administrator at church had a Zoom meeting last night and we were included - regarding the heart crews we are trying to start up.  I had difficulty getting it on - hubby had deleted it off his computer.  I have Teams on mine.  So we ended up on my phone - about 10 minutes late.  The meeting went well, and I think I felt somewhat better after it was over - other than hubby was very frustrated his dinner was late and kept making noises - and his stomach was growling.  I don't feel sorry for him - we have food - plenty of it - and he chooses not to eat it - instead grabbing a celery stalk - because he wants ME to fix his food for him.  If I'm busy or not here and don't come out of my room to fix him lunch, unless I have leftovers in the refrigerator, he will eat a celery stalk.  And of course this was dinner time - past the time I usually fix dinner - so we ate late, and then he was frustrated.  Anyway - the meeting went well.  She wants me to bring a few of my books to this women's meeting so that if there is any interest, they can see the book and I can answer their questions.  I even created a flyer of sorts last night with some information on it.  I think it turned out pretty good!  At this point, I don't really care if we do a class or not.  I'm just tired of struggling to deal with it, know what I mean?  I love the class, I love teaching others, and my friend told me the other day that I need to find another avenue to teach because God has gifted me to do just that.  Well, will see what God has planned after this weekend.  We are also to meet in the lobby after church and see if we can get anyone to sign up.  More on this next week.  Maybe.  If I remember.

I really enjoyed today's devotional in one of my books that I read each morning.  It had reference to 'stepping into your destiny' and being all that God has called you to be.  Isn't that where I am at - and where I am struggling?  I want to do so much more - and I feel like I'm in a prison and unable to get out to do anything.  But, I also know, that I can be in God's destiny for me, right where I am.  For my family, for friends, and even on here.  I want to grow and walk in the wisdom of God and to know and obey His Word.  So what's keeping me from all that I want to do?  Me.  I know that.  I need to quit cowering and hiding and withdrawing... and step out in faith that God will direct me where I am to go and what I am to do.  I need to quit saying "I'm too old" and "well, I can't".... and change my words to 'What do You want me to do, Lord?"  So much I want to do - and I need to do it and quit sitting on the couch complaining I can't do it! 

James 1:2-3 (NIV):  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

None of us likes testing of our faith.  And, like many others, I don't often go through the testing with joy.  Reminds me - remember the talk my boss had with me the other day?  We touched base yesterday and he said 'thank you for being resilient.   That gave me pause because a friend had said that about me after a class study a year ago.

Resilient - (a) capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture.  (b) tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

That's when it's used as a noun.  As an adverb, it can mean 'springy', flexible, etc.  Interesting.  Well, I do try to look on the good side of things, the positive side of things, when I am backed into a corner and don't have a choice. LOL  Like having to learn the LMS system.  I know I can do it.  I just don't want to.  But I'll do it, because it is now part of my job.  A job I want to retire from.  But then I ask myself, is God wanting me to take these things, learn these things, because He has use of them whenever I do get to retire?  I know part of me doesn't want to learn them because I think I'll never use them again if I ever left the company - and yet - is that the case?  Is God taking the time for me to learn these things to not only learn how to do them, but how to learn from them?  Something to ponder.

And with that, I will hush and wish you a great day!

Blessings!  

 

Was I actually warned in my dream?

 Usually when I open up my blog I skim through what I wrote the day before.  Just to remind myself if there is something I need to update on or comment more about.  Today is no exception to that.  And it is very interesting.

I met my friend for lunch yesterday and we had a great time and time just flew by and before we knew it - it had been two hours!  We were busy talking about church, about Bible studies, and about Jesus.  It was a refreshing time of renewal - in a sense - to me.  I don't often get those opportunities to share and talk about Jesus to others with working from home.  I was touched when my friend said that I had helped her in her walk with Jesus, that I was always able to give her encouragement and answer her questions.  (Thank you, Jesus).  Even walking out to the parking lot we were constantly talking and finally reminded ourselves we needed to get back to work.  It was a good lunch and so needed by me.  I got a lot of insight on some things.  

I was able to share my frustrations about not feeling like I belong to where we go to church.  I mean, people are friendly and all, but I am so used to being close friends with the pastor and with numerous people within the church.... and I just feel closed doors at times.  And trying to get this discipleship class started has been one of my frustrations.  I got a couple emails back from the administrator yesterday and I read them to my friend.  We talked about my email and the response I got back.  I just felt like my offer to meet 1:1 and share how we could possibly get heart crews going (from my own personal experience) and felt like I got a closed door.  I just checked, and still, no one has signed up for our group.

And there could be all kinds of reasons - we're in another city, although not that far from the church. There is a cost for the book.  There is accountability.  And, people are hesitant to 'buy in' for even 9 weeks commitment of attending every week.  If they don't do homework, they don't want to attend.  Hear what I'm saying?  This class requires a commitment to be accountable.  And I'm ok with no one signing up.  Frustrated because this class is the one who taught me so much about who Jesus is and to have a personal relationship with Him.  This class is the reason I get up at 4AM every morning (5AM on weekends, as a rule), and spend time reading my bible and praying.  It taught me so much and I feel every Christian needs to know the disciplines of the Christian walk.  Does that make sense?  I've given my frustration on this over to God and just asked Him to take care of it.  If people come, great.  If not - that's ok too.  Maybe I'll join another heart crew.

And another thing I wrote about yesterday - the dream.  You remember, rats and lies.  Honestly, I did hear 'the rats are lies that will come against you'.  So in reflection of my day yesterday.... it's interesting I had the dream and then what happened.  One of my bosses asked for a call with me.  Unusual, but yes.  So he calls me and asks how I'm doing, etc.  It's kind of funny, in a way, because I didn't feel reprimanded or anything like that.  But, in the beginning of the conversation, after asking how I'm doing, he shares that he has (confidentially) having difficulty with another employee who (it seems) constantly cancels their 1:1 with him.  Her calendar is always full and trying to get 15 minutes of her time for meeting with him is almost next to impossible.  Now mind you, his level is higher than hers, and one would expect respect for the position, if not for him.  I knew nothing about their difficulties, and that he has had to bring her supervisor into their meetings to mediate when they meet.  All I knew was that she was constantly declining their 1:1 - which made me have to find another time for them to meet.  I don't have time for that.  Especially when her calendar is totally blocked every day.  So - this past week in my frustration, when I emailed her admin to find time on the calendar, I did make a comment to the admin that another 1:1 or another meeting in which she was crucial was 'blown off' and her boss didn't attend. (nor let anyone know she would be unable to attend.  She just didn't call in.)  Well, I guess her admin asked her boss if everything was alright between her and my boss and was then asked why.  And the admin said that my emails to her were sounding frustrated because of her skipping meetings. (well, duh) Well, a 1:1 finally hit yesterday and guess what.... her boss told my boss that I had said some things in emails that made her admin very uncomfortable.  Excuse me?  So he was calling me to confidentially tell me what was going on between the two and be watchful of what I say.

I thanked him for letting me know, still confused as to what I could have said to have made her admin uncomfortable and told him I was going to look up past emails and see what I said.  And I did.  I said things like 'my boss wants her boss in this meeting, she is critical, and she blew him off and didn't attend.  And another time she blew off a critical meeting without letting the leader know (another person I support) so that difficult meeting with several people that I struggled to find time for - had to be rescheduled again because she didn't attend.  That's it.

And what is more interesting, is that the admin called me while I was talking with my boss, and I made arrangements to talk with her a little later.  And when we did talk, she told me what happened in her conversation with her boss, and that she had asked her if everything was ok between her and my boss - and when asked why was she asking, she said that I was sounding frustrated in rescheduling the meetings in which she didn't attend.  And the admin apologized to me that she even said that!  She never said she was uncomfortable with anything I had said.  All she said was that she sensed some frustration from me in having to reschedule critical meetings because she didn't attend.  

And I think about the dream this morning.... it's all lies.  Lies.  And I realized last night that it isn't even about my frustration with this person for not attending meetings and commenting to her admin.  This person wanted to get the attention off of her and her issues and all - and she pointed her finger at me that I was doing such and such.  Seriously?  A leader in her position would stoop so low?  

I still feel, personally, that I did nothing more than show my frustration in having to reschedule meetings with key people, and her being one of them, and all their calendars are full all the time... and it takes a lot of my time to get these meetings scheduled so that everyone can attend.  I have to move my bosses meetings around to work with their schedules.  My boss just wanted me to be aware of what had happened in his meeting with her (and her boss).  The finger was pointed to me.  So I looked through my emails, copied a couple of them, and sent to him with an apology if I did something wrong, but allowing some of my frustration to seep through to another admin, is no big deal.  AND I told him the admin had called and apologized to me for saying even what she did to her boss, not knowing that it would be used against me.  And she never said she was 'uncomfortable' with what I said, only sensed my frustration.

So what do you think?  True, I should have kept my comments to myself, but this isn't a one-time deal.  She has declined or ignored at least 6 meetings in the past two weeks - a few of them 1:1 meetings with my boss.  And I have to reschedule each one.  So yes, I was frustrated.  They don't know how much I deleted before sending those emails!  Oh well.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I asked God to take care of it cause I was not going to dwell on my 'talk'.  

I guess I need to keep this thought in my mind:  Ephesians 4:19 (NIV):  "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

A positive out of this is that I am now aware there are authority issues between her boss and my boss.  I wasn't aware there was any.  He is the 'chief' of that department; she is a director.  In my opinion, she needs to respect the office, if not him.  And although she doesn't report up to him, she should keep at least the 1:1s with him, or/and attend critical meetings and if she can't, then let them know she is unable to attend.  Don't just blow them off and do nothing.  It's interesting.  She is a young woman, I think, and is trying to make her way in the world.  But you don't diss the people who can help you get there.

So my lesson to be learned from this is that I need to keep my conversations, even to the admins, positive and not allow my frustration to get into the words I use.   See, we are never too old to learn.  And yes, my gut reaction was "why can't I just retire and get out of this pettiness?"  But perhaps I'm here in this position for this length of time for a valid reason.  I have an opportunity to share the love of Jesus to them.  I need to be more on my guard and watch my words.  Maybe you do too.

Thinking of and praying for my son who undergoes a procedure early afternoon.... can't wait to hear how his last day/hours went - he has such a fun way of putting things.  I sure do love that man!

Blessings!