Usually when I open up my blog I skim through what I wrote the day before. Just to remind myself if there is something I need to update on or comment more about. Today is no exception to that. And it is very interesting.
I met my friend for lunch yesterday and we had a great time and time just flew by and before we knew it - it had been two hours! We were busy talking about church, about Bible studies, and about Jesus. It was a refreshing time of renewal - in a sense - to me. I don't often get those opportunities to share and talk about Jesus to others with working from home. I was touched when my friend said that I had helped her in her walk with Jesus, that I was always able to give her encouragement and answer her questions. (Thank you, Jesus). Even walking out to the parking lot we were constantly talking and finally reminded ourselves we needed to get back to work. It was a good lunch and so needed by me. I got a lot of insight on some things.
I was able to share my frustrations about not feeling like I belong to where we go to church. I mean, people are friendly and all, but I am so used to being close friends with the pastor and with numerous people within the church.... and I just feel closed doors at times. And trying to get this discipleship class started has been one of my frustrations. I got a couple emails back from the administrator yesterday and I read them to my friend. We talked about my email and the response I got back. I just felt like my offer to meet 1:1 and share how we could possibly get heart crews going (from my own personal experience) and felt like I got a closed door. I just checked, and still, no one has signed up for our group.
And there could be all kinds of reasons - we're in another city, although not that far from the church. There is a cost for the book. There is accountability. And, people are hesitant to 'buy in' for even 9 weeks commitment of attending every week. If they don't do homework, they don't want to attend. Hear what I'm saying? This class requires a commitment to be accountable. And I'm ok with no one signing up. Frustrated because this class is the one who taught me so much about who Jesus is and to have a personal relationship with Him. This class is the reason I get up at 4AM every morning (5AM on weekends, as a rule), and spend time reading my bible and praying. It taught me so much and I feel every Christian needs to know the disciplines of the Christian walk. Does that make sense? I've given my frustration on this over to God and just asked Him to take care of it. If people come, great. If not - that's ok too. Maybe I'll join another heart crew.
And another thing I wrote about yesterday - the dream. You remember, rats and lies. Honestly, I did hear 'the rats are lies that will come against you'. So in reflection of my day yesterday.... it's interesting I had the dream and then what happened. One of my bosses asked for a call with me. Unusual, but yes. So he calls me and asks how I'm doing, etc. It's kind of funny, in a way, because I didn't feel reprimanded or anything like that. But, in the beginning of the conversation, after asking how I'm doing, he shares that he has (confidentially) having difficulty with another employee who (it seems) constantly cancels their 1:1 with him. Her calendar is always full and trying to get 15 minutes of her time for meeting with him is almost next to impossible. Now mind you, his level is higher than hers, and one would expect respect for the position, if not for him. I knew nothing about their difficulties, and that he has had to bring her supervisor into their meetings to mediate when they meet. All I knew was that she was constantly declining their 1:1 - which made me have to find another time for them to meet. I don't have time for that. Especially when her calendar is totally blocked every day. So - this past week in my frustration, when I emailed her admin to find time on the calendar, I did make a comment to the admin that another 1:1 or another meeting in which she was crucial was 'blown off' and her boss didn't attend. (nor let anyone know she would be unable to attend. She just didn't call in.) Well, I guess her admin asked her boss if everything was alright between her and my boss and was then asked why. And the admin said that my emails to her were sounding frustrated because of her skipping meetings. (well, duh) Well, a 1:1 finally hit yesterday and guess what.... her boss told my boss that I had said some things in emails that made her admin very uncomfortable. Excuse me? So he was calling me to confidentially tell me what was going on between the two and be watchful of what I say.
I thanked him for letting me know, still confused as to what I could have said to have made her admin uncomfortable and told him I was going to look up past emails and see what I said. And I did. I said things like 'my boss wants her boss in this meeting, she is critical, and she blew him off and didn't attend. And another time she blew off a critical meeting without letting the leader know (another person I support) so that difficult meeting with several people that I struggled to find time for - had to be rescheduled again because she didn't attend. That's it.
And what is more interesting, is that the admin called me while I was talking with my boss, and I made arrangements to talk with her a little later. And when we did talk, she told me what happened in her conversation with her boss, and that she had asked her if everything was ok between her and my boss - and when asked why was she asking, she said that I was sounding frustrated in rescheduling the meetings in which she didn't attend. And the admin apologized to me that she even said that! She never said she was uncomfortable with anything I had said. All she said was that she sensed some frustration from me in having to reschedule critical meetings because she didn't attend.
And I think about the dream this morning.... it's all lies. Lies. And I realized last night that it isn't even about my frustration with this person for not attending meetings and commenting to her admin. This person wanted to get the attention off of her and her issues and all - and she pointed her finger at me that I was doing such and such. Seriously? A leader in her position would stoop so low?
I still feel, personally, that I did nothing more than show my frustration in having to reschedule meetings with key people, and her being one of them, and all their calendars are full all the time... and it takes a lot of my time to get these meetings scheduled so that everyone can attend. I have to move my bosses meetings around to work with their schedules. My boss just wanted me to be aware of what had happened in his meeting with her (and her boss). The finger was pointed to me. So I looked through my emails, copied a couple of them, and sent to him with an apology if I did something wrong, but allowing some of my frustration to seep through to another admin, is no big deal. AND I told him the admin had called and apologized to me for saying even what she did to her boss, not knowing that it would be used against me. And she never said she was 'uncomfortable' with what I said, only sensed my frustration.
So what do you think? True, I should have kept my comments to myself, but this isn't a one-time deal. She has declined or ignored at least 6 meetings in the past two weeks - a few of them 1:1 meetings with my boss. And I have to reschedule each one. So yes, I was frustrated. They don't know how much I deleted before sending those emails! Oh well. I'm not going to worry about it. I asked God to take care of it cause I was not going to dwell on my 'talk'.
I guess I need to keep this thought in my mind: Ephesians 4:19 (NIV): "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
A positive out of this is that I am now aware there are authority issues between her boss and my boss. I wasn't aware there was any. He is the 'chief' of that department; she is a director. In my opinion, she needs to respect the office, if not him. And although she doesn't report up to him, she should keep at least the 1:1s with him, or/and attend critical meetings and if she can't, then let them know she is unable to attend. Don't just blow them off and do nothing. It's interesting. She is a young woman, I think, and is trying to make her way in the world. But you don't diss the people who can help you get there.
So my lesson to be learned from this is that I need to keep my conversations, even to the admins, positive and not allow my frustration to get into the words I use. See, we are never too old to learn. And yes, my gut reaction was "why can't I just retire and get out of this pettiness?" But perhaps I'm here in this position for this length of time for a valid reason. I have an opportunity to share the love of Jesus to them. I need to be more on my guard and watch my words. Maybe you do too.
Thinking of and praying for my son who undergoes a procedure early afternoon.... can't wait to hear how his last day/hours went - he has such a fun way of putting things. I sure do love that man!
Blessings!
