I made a list...

 and put it on the wall.  List of what?  Just some things that I want to accomplish - at some point.  Sigh. I seem to not remember anything I want to accomplish when I have time to do them.  But looking at my list this morning, there are 12 things on there - and I thought of another one just now to add.  Now these are things that take time to complete, as a rule.  And you know how much time I have to focus on things. BUT - with that said, I DID get some things - not on my list thought! - completed last night.  I needed another skein of yarn to complete a blanket.  I was short ONE ROW!  Can you even imagine?  One row to complete - and I ran out of yarn I needed.  Anyway - after my workout last night, I headed to Michael's and picked it up. I nearly panicked though - I couldn't find it for the longest time.  And that was all I bought there.  One skein.

Then I headed to Fry's to get milk.  I kind of 'screwed up' the other day.... when I went to Safeway and got groceries.  I was carrying several things in at one time, and sat the gallon of milk on the counter in the garage.... then got distracted, and never went back to get it.  I discovered it the next morning. Yeck.  So I stopped to get milk, and a couple other things. Heading home, AND putting the milk in the refrigerator, I was able to finish up the one row that was left on the blanket.  I think this blanket is really pretty so don't think I'll donate it, but save it for a future great grandchild.  Or pass it on to my kids and let them give on to theirs.  I also got the Tovala oven out of the box and found a counter to put it on.  My kitchen is so small compared to my last one, and I just do not have counter space.  Nor cabinet space.  But I managed to find a place for the oven.  Tomorrow our first order of food is to be delivered so I need to figure out how to use it now.  I haven't connected it to the wifi yet. Yes, it connects to wifi; still not sure how it works.

This morning I have a 7:45a workout.  Legs.  Yesterday it was core.  I'll be feeling that one later! Although we only got two sets done on core.  I've got to get moving fairly soon here and get washed up and dressed to go.  I'll need to leave by 7:15a. 

Hubby apparently doesn't care for the caramel coffee I purchased. He informed me the other day that is all we have 'left' in k-cups.  Ok. Then yesterday he made a comment that was all we had.  This morning he commented again that he hoped I liked the caramel coffee as that was all we had.  Yes, I do like it, as a matter of fact.  It's nice sometimes to have a flavor versus just 'coffee', if you know what I mean.  Not all the time, but occasionally.  So - guess I will order a box of medium/dark k-cups and have shipped so hubby can stop worrying about me drinking caramel every morning. Good grief, it is only one cup!  I did find a bag of coffee last night and set it out so he did offer to make a pot of coffee in the percolator. I'll figure out how much coffee to put in the coffee pot so that he can just make a pot of coffee.  Sometimes I feel like a parent... if you know what I mean... I guess actually, I'm achieving many roles now, right?

Youngest son has invited hubby to go see a movie with him and they were going over dates/times last night, but couldn't agree on any.  Hubby suggested they just do lunch.  Then they talked about the movie again.  Some has to do with hubby's schedule of his 'appointments' and some with my son's.  And then there is the great-granddaughter needing picked up from school.  The wife was screaming she wasn't going to pick her up cause she doesn't mind her.  And I'll leave that there.  Sigh. That poor child has to listen to screaming all the time.  I'm going to let my son know that if she can be picked up and dropped off here, I'll 'entertain' her while they go to the show.  If I'm working still, I have an ipad with the kids things on it (belongs to my daughter for the granddaughter) that she can sit in here and watch until I'm done.  I got it covered. 

Well, THAT was an interruption!  Ms. Vicky called to tell me our street was flooded and she had called two people on the board and they didn't pick up their phone (at 5:30a no less!)  Well.... I told hubby, and we went outside and it isn't flooded.... the neighbor across the street has a sprinkler head broken and the water is running out.  Either that or it - and looking at the size of that puddle - it could be a broken pipe.  While we were standing there looking at it (me in my jammies in the courtyard, and hubby dressed (thank goodness!) the neighbor came out and said she had already called the landscaper and he was on his way to fix it.  Teach hubby to be a once upon a time board president!  But why involve me?  Right? But then, Ms. Vicky calls me for a lot of things. The 'danger' of being neighbors with older women, right? LOL

My entire train of thought has gone off the edge now.  I get so caught up in my 'own little world' here in the mornings, that sometimes interruptions like this, that cause me to get up out of my chair and do something else, makes the thoughts fly out the brain faster than they got there!

I mentioned to Morgan last night that I was toying with the idea of having a women's bible study at our house on Tuesday nights.  She surprised me.  She immediate said "I will come if you do!"  I had to repeat it twice to make sure I heard right. I hadn't expected that!  So maybe that is my sign that I need to find a good bible study and start check for maybe 3-4 other women.  I'll let it ride for the moment.

My legs woke me up this morning - well, about 3a I think it was.  Not the seering pain down the bones like it was before, but the muscles themselves, and it wasn't from working out. It wasn't workout soreness, but pain soreness, if that makes sense.  I am wondering if it is the inflammation that showed up on the last CRP test... I think that is the test. I do have that test scheduled for myself at SQL on September 1st.  It was 3.4 or was it 4.5 before.... and that is high.  I will take both test results to Dr. Mark when I go see him in September.  Need to get this inflammation down - and also find out what is going on. I still say it is from the scorpion or bug bites from about 4 years ago.  I still get the pin pricks in that area throughout the day and night.  No bumps, so they can't 'see' anything wrong... but it's inside and that is what frustrates me.  How do I tell them what is wrong when they can't see it?  I don't even know what kind of test they could do to find out what it is and how to fix it.  But I do need to get rid of the inflammation in my body.  Need to do more research, I guess.  Haven't looked in a long while.  Whatever bit me, bit about 15 times in the same area.  The two antibiotics I was prescribed, and the cream, took care of the itching and pain, but did nothing for the inflammation inside.  Even forced the dermatologist to do a biopsy of the area, but it came back with nothing.  Of course I couldn't get in to see the PCP I had at that time, and then I changed to Dr. Mark. Oh well, something for me to deal with.

Psalm 118:24 (ESV)  This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.  

We should rejoice in every day for it is a day that we can 'do over' and 'do better', right?  Sometimes that's hard, but we have a choice.  Make it better - or make it worse.  I choose better!

And with that - I need to get dressed for my workout - don't want to go in my jammies!

Have an amazing day - and be kind to someone; you don't know what they are going through.

Blessings!

Do I really have to work today?

 I've got some 'little things' that I want to do... heaven forbid that I should do them in the evenings!  I mean, I know what I want to do... but it is always during the day I want to do them!  Come evening, the thought totally slips my mind!  Perhaps I need to start writing things on a board or something and put it where I can see it.  And then walk away from it. Sigh.  What are some of the things I want to do?  

Well, there is my diamond art projects. I do enjoy them a lot, and have a few yet to work on.  They definitely are time-consuming and take up my table so I have to plan carefully on those.  I want to get back into making cheater quilts for Christmas gifts for friends... and that takes time. I 'should' just bring out my sewing machine. It still takes time, but a lot less if I use the machine. In all honesty, I haven't sewn by machine for so many years, I need to take a refresher course on how to sew.  And I love to sew!  I love to be creative and make things (and give away, of course!).  I want to do a lot of baking. A lot of cooking. I want to exercise more. I want to write letters to friends. I want to declutter. A lot of 'declutter'! Sigh. And so much more 'I want to'!  (and then there is learn more crochet and knitting skills)

I really can't blame work taking up my time. I keep thinking of how much time I have gained with working from home. Seriously.  One hour in the morning, two hours home - that is three hours!!  But I think part of the difference is that I go to bed at 8:30 (ish) now - which eliminates that three hours I gained by working from home.  Still get up about the usual time.  I just get so sleepy in the evenings that my body starts shutting down at 8:30p.  Maybe I need to keep active; it may take 3 weeks to get back in sync, but that is what it takes to change a habit.  I used to stay up to 11-12p and get up at 4a.  The first hour was my quiet time, the second hour was getting dressed. I was out the door by 6a.  I need to think this through.  I know one thing, I can't just sit and read in the evenings for I do get very sleepy.  I need something to keep my mind active.... I'm going to think on this.  I'm not getting anything done I really want to do. It frustrates me and makes me unhappy.  I feel like I am losing myself.  And I have no one to blame but myself.  Hubby goes to bed early, so I follow just to keep peace. Now I am feeling lazy.  I need to stop this. I want to take a class or study.  I need to figure out how to do this so I can get the most out of it.  It will be a change, but I need to make it. I need to do it for me. I need to do it to feel like I'm still living and not just work all day and watch TV/read and then go to bed. There is more to life and I'm tired of missing it!  I loved not driving to work in the mornings cause I get up at the same time and have 2-3 hours (depending if I get up at 4 or 5) to spend with God each morning. I won't give that up. That sets up my day. But my evenings, I need to redo. I need to realign.  I need to find myself.

I guess I just don't want to get in a routine where I'm not living life, but just going through it.  Does that make sense?  I have gone at this many times over the years, I think. It all sounds familiar. But I have to do something different.  I guess I think of it as well as getting 'old' - and you know how I fight against that.  Not about age wise; I'm proud that (uh oh - that word again!) God has allowed me to live this long.  Maybe I should just say that I'm 'excited' that God has allowed me to live this long!  But I don't want to get in a rut where I can't do anything. Does that make sense?  Ok, enough about me.

Went to the oncologist yesterday morning with hubby and talked with the assistant. She is a lot more understanding and thorough than the doctor is.  In fact, we saw him twice in the hallway and both times he adverted his eyes. What's up with that?  Anyway, the appointment was for hubby to share what side effects he was having with the 4 pills a day (I've got to look it up, it starts with an 'x') the doctor prescribed for him last month.  He never picked up the prescription because he didn't want to take the pills. I think I mentioned yesterday that Dr. Mark had asked him, "Do you want quality of life or quantity of life?"  The side effects, known, for these 4 pills a day is dizziness, weakness, high blood pressure, sweats, and who knows how else it could affect hubby.  We discussed it all with the assistant and she was so good at letting hubby talk (funny, every time he would say he didn't want to take them, he'd look at me for confirmation) with his reasons and thoughts about it. His PSA did go up about 600th of a point, the assistant said.  I forget the actual numbers, but in the past six months, it has been going up each month but never a point yet.  So, she agreed with him and said that they will do another meeting in 3 months and see where his PSA is at that time.  If it has gone up slowly as it has been, they can wait longer. But if it does a big jump, it may require another discussion about the pills.  The Lupron shots give him cold sweats but he's gotten used to those.  Personally, I think they have sucked the life out of him.  To get him to do anything is a battle, even things he enjoys doing.

He fights me on things. For example, after work I cooked dinner (as usual).  He is supposed to do the dishes, although I do all the pans (cause he will leave them to soak even when they don't need it) and sometimes also the glass dishes/bowls that I use.  All he ends up with are the plates, glasses and silverware used.  Anyway, the dishwasher was full, I had already noticed that.  I wouldn't have said anything if he hadn't.  After dinner I went into the front room and grabbed a book.  He does his thing in the kitchen and comes in and says "I'll run the dishwasher in the morning".  I just asked, "Why don't you run it tonight?" Then he starts in about how it will heat up the kitchen, etc. So then I come back with 'Let it heat up the kitchen tonight; why let it heat up the kitchen in the morning when we are in and out of it?" He started arguing with me about when to run the dishwasher and why do I always have to contradict him.... I just looked at him and told him it makes no sense to put it off because we won't be in the kitchen later that night, but in the morning we will be in and out.  He stormed - literally! - out of the front room, stomping his feet and went and turned on the dishwasher.  He was so angry at me!  He got over it of course.  But it is these little things that set him off at me.  Is it still about 'control'?  Who knows.  I probably would have gone in and turned it on if he hadn't said anything.  Maybe it is because his 'job' is also putting the dishes away when they are done, and if they are clean last night, then he will be 'required' to put them away this morning?  If he has a gym appointment this morning, I may just go in and do it, as I often do. It takes five minutes, but for him you would think it takes an hour. Sigh. Ok - enough.

Work wasn't too bad yesterday.  (sorry, had to get on the work computer!)   Only I got 'assigned to arrange airline travel and hotel and conference, etc.... and I don't like doing those!  I did think of retirement.....  But, it is something I have to do.  Only I couldn't cause I wasn't a delegate and there were other issues.... so I am dealing with that this morning.... sigh.  Hopefully I can get it done fairly quickly. Have a few other things to do too. I guess they want me to earn my pay!  Speaking of work.... Sue has only 3 more days.... technically 4, but she plans to go to the office on Friday and turn in her work computer and whatever else she has from the company. Not much, I'm sure.  Anyway, she is officially retiring on Monday - but like she said, what are they going to do?  So she's turning her computer in on Friday afternoon.  That actually works out for me. I've been playing with taking the day off as I am having lunch with my son, but.... I can just ask for time off without using my PTO time and work the morning. See how I'm figuring this out?  Sue is turning in her computer, Kristine, the interim, is still on vacation.... I can check messages when I get back.  Perfect, right?  I just need to run it by Sue sometime before Friday. :-) And hopefully I don't have a lot of work to get done.

Have I done a lot of complaining about work and hubby this morning?  Seems like I should just delete this entire thing and start over. But then, this is my life..... shouldn't I be able to share my 'life' with you?

Psalm 119:165 (ESV):  Great peace have those who love your law; nothing can make them stumble.

Ok - now 'great peace' and 'loving God's law' does not mean there won't be struggles.  I love God's law and do my best to follow it. I often have peace in my life.  But some days.... well, perhaps I am wrong. I don't really count it a 'stumble', but it depends on what I do with what I love about God's law. I guess, right?  Then of course there is....

Philippians 2:14 (ESV):  Do all things without grumbling or disputing.

And if you don't get it that way.... read how it is said in The Message!

Philippians 2:14 (MSG):  Do everything readily and cheerfully - no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! 

So what are we going to choose today?  Have peace; don't bicker; do what you are supposed to do cheerfully - and even go one step further!  Be kind. Show people who you are in Christ by the way you speak, the way you act, the way you have peace. Do not live two lives.  People see both sides.

And with that - I'm off here!  Have an amazing day - and be kind to others. You don't know what they are going through.

Blessings!

Monday morning.... and an addendum 30 minutes later

 and my stress level is already arising.  Sigh. I really do not like it when hubby brings in the coffee and then proceeds to TELL me what WE are going to do.  It makes me angry, but because I am afraid of HIS anger, and do not want a fight (especially first thing on a Monday morning!) so I said nothing.  He said his spiel and then walked out of the room.  And left me seething.  What is it over?  Doesn't matter.  And I get it. He is still fighting for control, and he knows he is losing control.  We all do it.  When we feel things slipping through our hands, we grab on more tightly, right?  I get it.  I'm just angry I am in the middle of it. So this morning my prayers were for God to protect, guide, grant me wisdom, show me when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut.

You can't tell me God doesn't work miracles.  This situation hubby 'started' this morning, just ended.  He opens my door and says, "Change of plans.  You can drive this morning.  Does that make you feel better?"  To which I responded, "You will lower my blood pressure."  And you know what?  I never said a word to him.  I let him speak this morning and he left.  I gave it to God, and HE took care of (part of) the issue.  Thank You, Jesus!

Yesterday was a good day.  I spent the morning in here, then we went to church at noon.  Wanting to see the grandson before he was taken to the recruiter's office, we hurried over there. The DIL was busy in the kitchen making things.  I commented that we didn't come over to eat, just to see this grandson before he left. She explained it was for her son's birthday party - which I thought was at 4p, but was at 2p.  We ended up staying, rather than driving home, changing clothes, and driving back, which was the original plan.  I somehow got the times messed up with last week's birthday party, I guess.  Anyway, we stayed.  After awhile I was getting pretty tired as I was still in my Sunday clothes, and you know I dress up.  The heels had come off when I walked in the door. I was longing for my jeans!  So after the gifts were open, we headed home and I quickly changed into more comfortable clothes. 

I headed to Safeway for groceries.  I picked up something I think my oldest son will like.... and I had to sneak one to try it.  If I tell it, does that mean I'm sneaking it?  He will have to wait until Friday to get it.  If there is any left. But he will probably get some - if he hasn't already - if he knows they are 'out'.  Now I know I have his curiosity up!  But if I say more, I know he will figure it out.  I really didn't buy much food at the grocery.... I was hungering for something sweet, which is unusual, for I do have chocolate here at home.  But I bought some things I don't normally buy.  I had to hide them from hubby. Not to keep him out of them, which is probably still true, but because I don't want his condemnation for buying them. And I'll leave that there.

Today hubby has an oncologist appointment at 9a.  Well, it is with the assistant.  I don't want to go. In fact, I hadn't even written it on my calendar, thinking I would not need to go. BUT, they are pushing for him to take 4 small pills daily in addition to the shots he gets once a month - all because his PSA went us about a point. I think I shared this before.  Dr. Mark told him to think quality versus quantity... and hubby has decided to NOT take the pills.  He is to talk with Ashley, the assistant, this morning. It will be interesting if she talks him into it.  I've told him, it's his body, he has to make the call. I refuse to.  He is 89 years old, he will not die of prostrate cancer.  Even Dr. Mark told him that.  I'm glad he is taking a stand, but will he remain firm or give in after talking with Ashley - I don't know.  Of course then we would need to deal with the oncologist when he sees him again.  

Psalm 116:1-2 (ESV):  I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.

If I do nothing else for as long as I live, I will call on the Lord.  Some people may think they 'know' me, but no one knows me like Jesus does.  LOL The old spiritual song sung years ago 'Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.  Nobody knows but Jesus.' just popped into my mind.  Do you remember that one?  It's true, though, even now.  I've shared way too much in here, some days more than I should.... but no one really knows my heart like Jesus does.  He sees every pain, He knows of every tear that does not fall, and He sees those tears that do fall. God collects each tear in a bottle.  Some days I just want to fall on my face and just sob.  I don't want to be comforted, I just want to let all the tears fall without someone trying to get me to stop.

I think I've shared before how I fight tears, even at funerals.  Not because I am embarrassed at my tears, but because I don't want to be sheltered/comforted, if you know what I mean.  There are times I cannot stop the tears, only because it is my loss.  I think the first funeral I have ever gone to that I didn't even 'water up', was my step-father's funeral. And I'll leave that there.  I've guarded my tears over the years. Sadly, I feel no tears when I think of some.  My grief is personal, and my comfort can only come from those who I know truly love me. Just as I am.  And I must leave this here.  

I must be mentally and physically tired... I'm wanting to crawl into a corner and go back to sleep. I want to pull a blanket over my head and hide from life.  Have you ever had those days?   I think of the saying "Angry people are hurting people" and it is a true statement.  I am hurt; and I am angry. But it is of my own doing.  There is another saying, "You make your bed, you lie in it".  Some of you may remember that one.  And one dies a little each day.

My phone just told me my oldest son must be heading for his colonoscopy this morning.  I've already prayed for him, that all 'comes out' ok. Pun intended.  Praying for answers this week as well.

And with that, I'm getting off here. Almost time to start work, and I still need to get ready for hubby's doctor's appointment. I don't want to go. I wish Dr. Mark hadn't been so insistent on me going because hubby can't remember his instructions.  So I have to go and take notes on each doctor's appointment. I'm more of a caregiver and cook at this time of my life. What is God teaching me through all this?  I wish I could learn it.  Is it compassion?  I don't have much at times of that. Maybe I need to have more compassion.... but Lord, it's hard to have compassion in this situation.  Help me, Jesus!

I pray that you have an amazing day!  I think we may be going to dinner with friends tonight.... not sure yet.  Guess I need to check.  Keep looking up; your answers that you seek are on the way.

Blessings!

Say Yes to Everything

 I read an article within the past few days - don't remember where - in which a man's wife had died and he was in mourning, and had been for awhile.  He had dropped out of some activities.  He had backed out of socializing as much.  I get it. And I'm sure some of you do as well.  We always tend to withdraw when we are in pain.

But this article shared that he found some papers written by his wife as he was cleaning out (finally) some drawers, and one thing she said in her diary after she had become sick, was Say Yes to Everything.  He never would have read her diary had she still been alive.  But he read this, and he realized she was telling him, via her diary, to quit withdrawing from life and start saying 'yes' to doing things.  Ah, yes, now I remember the story.  The guy was on a grueling bike ride with his brother that he said 'yes' to after reading the diary.  He was wondering if he should have said 'no'.  He had paused to rest, and a woman stopped beside him and chatted for a few moments before heading off on down the path.  They connected a few times and got acquainted, she was divorced. He was a widow. No, they didn't get together, they live in two different states.  But he realized that by saying 'yes' to doing something, he was living life again, meeting new friends, and although he isn't ready for a relationship, he was alive.

That story really stuck with me, well, the meaning behind it. I often say 'no' to things.  Not because deep down I don't want to do them.  Some because I don't want to deal with others who won't do them and doesn't want me to (think hot air balloon ride).  But what if I started saying 'yes' to things I 'think' I don't want to do..... and find out I enjoy it?  What if I quit letting my thoughts of 'not being allowed or agreed with' to do... what if I quit imagining a battle... what if I decided to DO SOMETHING? What would that look like? What would that be?  

Well, I HAVE dared go on trips with my girls for the past ten years... haven't gotten flack about that.  We just can't go out of the state. And right now, it's not worth THAT battle.  Years ago I used to fly to Indiana for a week to hang out with my sister and visit my mom and family.  One year, feeling guilty, I let hubby go with me so he could see his brother.  I still remember turning to him in the airport and getting in his face and telling him that if he ........ well, you don't need to know what I said..... that I would never 'take' him with me ever again.  I think that was the first time I was adamant that he not screw up.  But after that time, I was never 'allowed' to fly back by myself.  My sister and I both lament that decision.  Although I will admit, there are years I would NOT want to go back.  And even now, because people have 'shown' themselves, going back causes me stress because of jealousy of how much time I am spending with siblings versus them.  Not going there.  It's sad, really.

Ok- getting off topic.  Say Yes to Everything.  What is it that you have said 'No' to for so long, even thought you wanted to do it, but have put it off?  Is it a trip somewhere? Is it getting away by yourself to process and think?  Is it a ..... whatever it is..... what is it in life that you have said 'No' to for so long that you don't even think about it anymore?  I've sat here a few seconds, trying to figure out where I am going with this.... and heck if I know!  I know I am not living the life I would like to live.  Perhaps I am not supposed to live that life.  But if I'm not, why hasn't God removed that longing in me?  Why do I get sad when I think about it?  No, not going to share... keep you in suspense.  For years I have felt that I have lost my life.... yes, I have gotten to do a lot of things, but there is a part of my heart that still has a longing, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.  What dream are you holding back on saying 'yes' to?

Interesting..... I get a text from Messenger each morning (John Bevere's website) and this morning it says:  Guard your heart. Not everyone should get full access to your life - even Jesus set boundaries.  I could ponder that for awhile, couldn't you?

I had a good day yesterday.  Breakfast with Sue, Dr. K and Nancy.... left there at 10:30a and headed to church for the women's luncheon of BBQ pork, potato salad, fruit, etc.  Came home and took a short nap (hubby did too) and then we picked up a grandson to take out to dinner.  We were told one place, but when we picked him up, he said he wanted chicken strips. He had eaten steak lately and didn't want anymore.  We ended up at Chili's for dinner and (I think) we had a nice visit with him.  Took him home and we came home and of course we watched movies.  We will run over there real quick after church to hopefully see him one more time before he leaves for the recruiter's office. I think my son is taking him at 2p.  It will be a quick hug and goodbye, but we are doing it.

For some reason I am reminded of when we went to Tucson to U of A to visit our granddaughter in college; a short visit, and when we left, how hard it was to leave her. She told me later she cried in the parking lot as we left.  That still breaks my heart.  She was lonely, I'm sure. And I still miss her all these years later.  We've got to go on a 'road trip' down there some weekend.  I mention hotel and hubby is for it.  I just need to pick a weekend and get a hotel and we go.  I just don't want to disrupt their schedule with their family, so will need to schedule with them.  Soon, I hope.  

I John 2:15-17 (ESV):  Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life - is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

 Jentezen Franklin has talked about these a lot - the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, the pride of life.  These three things can keep us out of heaven.  When we give in to the things the flesh wants.... when we give in to the things our eyes see.... and we puff ourselves up with the pride of life .... we are worldly.  We may receive things as blessings, but if we flaunt them before others, it becomes pride.  And I quickly think back to the times I have talked about pride and how I have to often root it out of me.  

All we have is a gift from God.  What we do with that gift, is our gift back to Him.

I think I will end this here.  I've rambled on enough this morning.  In my prayers this morning for one of my boys, I found myself praying "Lord, please give him a liver that has not been touched by human hands."  I have prayed for restoration; I've prayed for a transplant.  I haven't ever prayed it like that before.  Something to think about.

Have an amazing day - and be kind to someone. You don't know what they are going through.

Blessings!

It's Saturday -

 and normally a day that I can take my time in here, for the most part.  Today is not one of those Saturdays.  I need to stop around 7-7:30-ish and get dressed and cleaned up.... heading to Wildflower to meet my friends - Sue, Dr. K and Nancy.  We meet up about every 6 months it seems.  This one just got pushed out to today. I checked the other day and all were still coming.  We are to meet at 9a, but I can only stay until 10:30-ish as I need to head over to our church. The women's group is meeting and I still never got the cups over to the leader... which means I need to get to the church to drop off the cups... and I think it starts at 11:30a.  I'm giving myself plenty of time to get there (I hope).  After that, will come home for a short while (probably a nap) and then we will pick up a grandson who leaves tomorrow for the Army.  We are taking him out to dinner just to spend a little time with him before he leaves.   A busy Saturday for me, for sure!

I did a thing. Well, another thing. You know that I do those on occasion.  I 'bought into' one of the food services. Again.  We've done 3-4 of them over the years, I'd guess.  For the past year I have gotten information on this one - Tovala - where they give you a free 'oven' to cook the food in.  I decided to finally do it. Not that we needed the oven.  It's a toaster oven/oven/air fryer and I don't know what else all in one.  Anyway - I went with the 'best', of course.  It arrived yesterday.  It's bigger than I thought, and I do not have counter space - even where the current toaster oven is.  So I set it aside until I can figure out what to do. I think I know where I'll put it, but I need to clean off the counters anyway.  I need to declutter a lot of places - maybe the kitchen is the first place to start?  Anyway - I've ordered six meals a week - 3 each - and we will see how it works out.  We liked Nutrisystem, but it felt like it got expensive over time, but that may be because we ordered several meals?  Factor we did not care for at all.... Home Chef was good, but it got to where we were 'out' all the time and I didn't have time to prepare the meals.  Home Chef they send you all the ingredients and you actually create the dish.  Fun - and good.  But I ended up throwing some away cause I couldn't get to them.  That's on me.  So I cancelled it some time ago.  Trying Tovala with only 3 meals each.  Considering if we go out to eat at sit-down restaurants we can easily drop $50 with a tip - maybe this will save us money.  Oh we'll still go out to eat.... sigh.  

In fact, I thought about going out to eat last night, but I kept thinking about spending the money, and I just didn't want to. So hubby got a hamburger and green bean casserole. Talk about making something very easy and simple!  And he was happy.  He always eats whatever I fix.... I need to live forever or he will die from starvation as he just will not cook.  Or hasn't, let's put it that way.  He'd rather spend the money and go out to eat.  I'd rather save (for the most part) the money and eat at home.  As a last resort, he could have a protein shake, right?  Not putting him down; a lot of men don't cook.  A lot of times I just don't want to 'clean up' to go out to eat.  I'm not one of those women who wear makeup all the time.  Especially with working from home now. But I will this morning!  LOL

I'm getting used to the liners now that the 'fillers' are in place.  It still cuts into my inner lips, but, it's only for a short while. So I tell myself.  I'm not putting them back in until after the women's thing today as I eat with my friends, and although I don't plan to eat with the women (hopefully won't be hungry), I may eat dessert... just saying.  It's difficult to take in and out (I now have to use a tool, rather than my fingernails to grab hold and pull.  I'm getting used to it.  When I change out these liners next Thursday, I think it is, I will need to deal with 'new' liners that will fit tighter.  Not looking forward to that.  But, I'm in it for the 'long haul', I guess.  Better than biting my inside jaw all the time.

I need to make a run to Staples at some point too; I have a prayer shawl to send to a friend I used to support at work as her mother passed away.  I don't have anything here to mail it in and I think I can find a bag or something there.  Just haven't made it over to look. Hope to get it in the mail by Monday.

Reading in 2 Peter this morning and as I read the introduction to the book, which was Peter's last letter to the Christians in Asia Minor to encourage them, under an explanation for 2 Peter 1:5, it has this.. well, let me give you the verse first.

2 Peter 1:5 (ESV):  For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue and virtue with knowledge,

When Peter urges us to "make every effort," he does not teach salvation by works; he means we should make Christ and His kingdom our focus, putting all our efforts into running the race He has set before us.  Bishop J. C. Ryle wrote: "I would just as soon expect a farmer to prosper in his business who contented himself with sowing his fields and never looking at them until the harvest as to expect a believer to gain much holiness who has not been diligent about his Bible reading... his prayers, and... the use of his Sundays."

I think COVID restrictions really screwed up a lot of us - us included.  People were sent home and couldn't go to church or any church fellowship activities.  Yes, some churches then turned to online services - and that's great.  But, as I have mentioned before, it leaves a void because of not having the fellowship with other believers.  And after a few years, many of us got into the 'habit' of just watching 'church' on TV and not going at all... or only once in awhile.  I admit, it was hard for us to get back into going every week.  And, at times, we do not feel guilty about staying home to watch.  But we enjoy the fellowship of other believers and greeting people and being hugged and talked to.  It's a great feeling to be recognized when you walk in the door of the church, because you have been present - in person.  Sitting at home watching does not make you NOT a Christian, but we are told to have fellowship with other believers.  Sometimes we need them as much as they need us.  

So many people quit going to church completely during this time. And they never went back. I probably could say that many slipped back into their 'old ways' of living life.  There was no accountability.  Unless they were rooted in the Word, and continued in the Word, and worked around not meeting in person - i.e., Zoom or Teams calls; I admit, it is hard to maintain living in close fellowship with Jesus.  We need each other.  And, that's why I am going to the women's luncheon today, although I don't know but one or two of those that will probably attend.

Yes, this is the group of the 'over 55' women.  I've said it before, and I've said it to even the leader of this group - I don't want to go because I don't want to feel OLD.  Yes, I'm over 55.  Yes, I sometimes act like it.  But I don't want to be 'one of those' 55 + women who ACT like they are 55+.  Does that make sense?  Yet, I probably do act like it because I cannot do the things, the activities, I'd really like to be doing. And yeah, I better just hush on that cause I always get myself riled up.  Moving along....

Back to the scripture, we need to do all we can to keep growing in the Lord, to keep reading, to keep going to church, to keep (or try to be) in fellowship with other believers.  I want to get more involved in the church.  Even to the point I'm thinking of getting a few women together here at the house.  I want to find a woman that I can trust with my innermost secrets and be held accountable in my walk.  It is so easy to let things slide, and I'm being honest here.  We all need someone to hold us accountable in our walk.  Some things we may question.  Some things we may wonder about.  We are all here to lift up each other in our walk with Jesus.  I am not perfect, by any means. I fall on my face and beg for forgiveness more than you know.  It could be a word. It could be an action. It could be anything. We will never be perfect for only Jesus is perfect.  But He is our perfect example.  I wanna be Jesus to this world.  Does that make sense?

Ok - need to get off here and start getting ready for my brunch.  It's hot here, so be careful going out.  Find a good book to read and settle in.  Grab that Bible and read about grace in Romans, love in John, instructions in Paul's letters.  There are so many jewels in the Bible that in our daily readings, many times we skim over them and miss them.  Dig deep.  You won't regret it.

Have an amazing day - and be kind to someone; you don't know what they are going through.

Blessings!

My mouth hurts!

 No, no one hit me in the mouth.  Didn't see the dentist and have anything done.  BUT, I did go to the orthodontist yesterday.  If I had known ... would I have started this 'thing' that I am doing with the invisalign?  Those of you who have had braces probably know all about this stuff, and the pain involved, but me, I had no clue.  I go yesterday, thinking just getting some new liners.... but no.  Now my liners had places on them, not sure how to explain it, and I wondered about it, but they have like, for lack of knowledge, 'bubbles' on the 'teeth' outline in different places.  Well, yesterday they filled in four of those 'bubbles' with a hard solution, like glue, right on my teeth.  NOW I get to tug and pull even more to get these liners on and off.  And I tell you what - it hurts!  When they are off, the filler on the bottom front teeth cut into the inside of my lower lip.  When they are on, it's not a problem.  Except getting them on and off and going over that glued on bump.  I tell you what, I will be losing weight over this.  How? Because I am NOT going to take them off to snack!  In fact, I debated on giving up my coffee in the mornings so that I don't have to take them off (I am not to drink anything but water with them in; it could discolor the liners).  But I did get them off this morning and had my coffee.  And I will leave them off until I decide about breakfast, brush my teeth, and make sure I've had my tea BEFORE putting them back on.  Once the liners are on, it's no problem.  It's the putting on, taking off, and while off, dealing with the glued parts scraping on the inside of my lip.  Ok, enough complaining. I knew you needed to know all that - even if how I put it doesn't make sense. However, I'm sure that those who have worn braces can somewhat sympathize with me.

We made it down to the dental lab in record time yesterday - went in, sat down, and hubby was called back.  Nice place too.  Five minutes later he came back out.  His appointment was at 11a; he was done at 11:08a.  Coming back I decided I was hungry so we swung by Mr. Goodcents.  I love their sandwiches - usually get the #5 Ultimate.  Yesterday I got the 8" instead of the 6" cause I was hungry!  Hubby, of course, got the same thing.  I meant to get and bring home, but hubby makes himself at home at a table. I tried to explain I am still working.... sigh.... but gave up and we ate there before heading back home.  Filled up at the Chevron by there @ $4.59/gallon.  We got good mileage coming back from Heber... and although I hadn't filled up until now, when I checked the mileage, it was down to 29.3 mpg.  Still not bad. Street driving I usually get 23.

Hubby has headed to his bible study, stopping to get gas on the way.  He will be going to visit his friend Chuck.  Joyce, Chuck's wife, told him that he isn't doing well.  This will be a tough one for hubby, when the time comes.  We've known them for over 40 years.  

I reached out to two couples in our life group last night. I've tried to touch base periodically just to keep in touch.  Our life group broke up for the summer.  It will be interesting if it continues after a month or so this fall as I know the lead couple have a trip to Europe planned in December, I think it is.  They travel all the time.  Anyway, the two couples I checked with have a lot of issues going on in their families, and even themselves.  I'm hoping to connect with one wife over dessert this next week.  When one is going through struggles, many times they just need an outsider to sit with them.  I can't fix anything; but I can pray.  I can be a listening ear.  I will wait for her to reach out; but will check back on the health of the family later next week too.  I reached out to them as a friend, not as a member of the life group. Does that make sense?  I didn't do it on our group chat, although I have in the past, and then everyone chimes in with comments.  Sometimes we need to share in private. Does that make sense? 

Hubby tells me last night that he can drive to Dr. Mark's by himself to get a blood draw next week.  And you know what?  I'm going to let him.  It's not a doctor visit.  I am concerned about the driving, but until something happens, or we can convince him to quit driving, he isn't going to quit. It takes a minimum of 1.5 hours away from work... and that's just driving time.  Sue doesn't give me any problems about being out, but when they hire a new boss, will they be as kind?  I usually do not mind driving him, but when I have work to do, it does make me a bit anxious, although I do manage to get things done.  

Romans 6:1-2 (ESV):  What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace can abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?

Have you ever noticed all the rules and commands listed in the bible?  Some seem demanding, some difficult, some even guilt-producing.  These laws are God's perfect standard of holiness for us, and they show us how far we miss miss that standard.  The law was added so that the sin, and our awareness of it might increase.  And where sin is increased, grace increased even more.   In other words, the more we are aware of our sinfulness, the more we will be aware of God's grace for us.  

Some people may think they don't sin much, therefore they are 'good'.   They don't have the appreciation for the forgiveness and kindness of God.  But those of us who are very much aware of the dark parts of our hearts, and lives, we are very thankful for God's grace.  

Paul asked the question in Romans 6:1-2.  But he continued in verse 3 to say "By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer!"    Paul's comment is very similar to Jesus's statement when the woman caught in adultery was brought before Him.  When we are gripped with the grace of God, we won't take forgiveness, and His grace, for granted.  As Jesus told the woman caught in adultery, "go and leave your life of sin."  Or, in other words, "Go, and sin no more." (depends on what version you are reading.

No matter what you have done... and I truly believe this with all my heart.... God's grace is greater.  No matter how big or how bad your sin may be, God's grace provides forgiveness, hope, and restoration.  His grace is unlimited.  And for that, I am very grateful.  

Reminds me of a book by Kyle Idleman.  If you have not read 'not a fan', you need to.  It's funny, but a great book to help you find your way.  But Kyle Idleman also wrote a book titled 'Grace is Greater'.  It's interesting that this last book came out in 2012, I think it was, right when my sister went into one of her meltdowns against me.  I read the book, and when she decided to 'forgive me'... for whatever it was... I was able to respond to her 'God's Grace is Greater'.  Interestingly, that became her motto.  I never understood all that happened, but God took care of it so that I didn't have to.  I was made stronger in standing up for myself.  But, that's in another lifetime ago.  Anyway, I love Kyle Idleman's books and we have several of them.  Think I may reread Grace is Greater.   

And with that ...  I need to jump off here and get the work computer turned on.  What is a fun thing you plan to do today; tomorrow?  Take sometime to thank God for His grace towards you.  Never become ungrateful.... His grace is unforgetable.  You never want to let it go.

Have an amazing day!  Be kind to others; you don't know what they are going through.

Blessings!

She made me sweat!

 I had HIIT yesterday morning and Morgan didn't even take her clipboard - she made it up as we went along!  That is always dangerous when you have Morgan as a trainer!  Let's see, what did I do?  Oh - yeah, we started with the ropes.  Bend knees, move arms in and out, moving the ropes.  Two sets.  30 seconds each.  Oh, then, let's do 10 jumping jacks. She knows I hate them. I hated jumping jacks in PE in high school.  I still don't like them.  Now let's move on to the 25# ball that you squat, pick up, and roll over one shoulder, then squat, pick up, and roll over the other shoulder.  Then let's move on to the 10# flat ball in which you squat, pick up the ball, raise above your head, and slam it to the ground.  (that has helped when I have been angry at 'someone' and needed to get it out of my system!)  From there let's move on to a 16 lb kettlebell in each hand, and walking the length of the hall and when I get to the end, continuing to hold the kettlebells, squat for 30 seconds, then continue walking back.  And lastly, there is the step.  Holding the 10# ball out in front, step on with both feet, then step off with both feet.  30 seconds.  And then, let's start with the ropes and do it again!!  I was dripping sweat - and I don't sweat!!  My hair was wet!  And Morgan laughed and said she was doing her job.  But she did say that with two sets of all these that my stamina has increased greatly.  I certainly hope something has increased!  It was a good HIIT.

I should have taken a shower when I got home, but did not cause I needed to get on the work computer. Now I have to jump in the shower this morning as today will be a busy day - at least this morning.  I have an orthodontist appointment to get new liners and see how these did the first two weeks of wearing them. I know they gave me a lot of headaches so they have to be moving my teeth. It has kept me from snacking so much.  I can't wear them while drinking anything other than water (which means I take them out every morning to drink my coffee and brush my teeth before putting them back on)  Then out for any meal.  I can't even drink my tea without taking them out. It's a nuisance, but I'm obeying the instructions as best I can.  Drink only water with them in.  Wear 24x7 as much as possible.  Any food or any other drink, take them out.  If I understand correctly, today I should get enough liners for a month or so, changing out every two weeks, then go back for them to check ... I don't know for sure, obviously; I've only worn these liners two weeks. 

Once I get back home, it will be to check messages on the computer then at 10a head out with hubby to Tempe to take him to the dental lab. I'm hoping it will only take a few minutes and they aren't running behind or anything.  I didn't take the day off as I thought I might.  Just didn't want to waste (in my opinion) my day driving him to appointments if I'd only be gone a couple hours.  I rarely eat lunch away from the desk so technically, I have made up my time many times over.  Now I do consider taking the day off to have lunch with my son.... don't think I will, but am considering it, even now.  I need to see if there are other things I need to do and if so, I'll make that decision.  I want to not watch the clock... but it will also depend if I have things for work that need to be done.  I have time to make that decision.  

Did you realize how powerful prayer is?  Sometimes we take prayer for granted and just blurt out a few words and consider it 'done'.  I've been beating myself up for some time now.  For years I would go into my quiet time and fall on my knees and spend hours (yes, literally hours) praying.  Never worried about falling back to sleep.  Over the years, one of the mentors I had shared that she wrote out her prayers and how it was good to look back and see how God has answered those prayers.  I understood that, so I started writing out my prayers, versus getting on my knees.  And I have regretted it ever sine.  Why? Not because God doesn't answer when I write them out, He does still answer my prayers.  BUT.... I feel I have lost the closeness I always felt when on my face before Him.  I'm being honest here, but does that make sense?  

That is one reason I want to teach Discipleship or another class.  I pray the most when I need His help in doing things.  Teaching a class forces me to focus, to seek Jesus's hand, to seek His face.  I am totally dependent upon Jesus to get through a class - or preaching for that matter.  Some books will grab me and I get on my face to talk with Jesus.... but the next day or so, here I am back in my chair, a shawl over my shoulders, a blanket over my legs, cup of coffee on the table, and I'm snuggled in..... comfortable.  Why would I want to get up?

Yes, I know I'm rambling... but continuing on....I have no medical condition that keeps me off my knees.  The only condition I have is laziness.  I know part of my 'issue' is the waiting for hubby to get up and bring in my coffee.  He has insisted on doing that for years and it's easier not to 'argue' with him that I can get my own coffee, if I want it.  But I've noticed in the past year or so... like this morning, as I sat here writing out my prayer for today, (it's usually about that time when he comes in), he comes in and starts talking to me. How did I sleep? He didn't sleep well. Did he keep me awake? He's sorry if he did. I don't really have to respond to him. He will continue to tell me how he tossed and turned, how many times he got up, and what time did we want to leave for.... and then he will walk out. I've lost my train of thought in my prayers.  Even in writing them out.  I've tried doing prayers first, but I'm still sleepy and I do tend to want to keep the eyes closed and go back to sleep.  And have.  So I do my reading first. Then write out my prayers.  Hubby will sometimes get up right after I do, and other times he will sleep in another 30-60 minutes.   Why am I telling you all this?  I don't know.

I guess I need to figure out how I can get on my knees for my prayers and quit writing... and feel like I won't be interrupted.  Oftentimes I think I will wait until after I get the coffee, and hubby leaves the room, then I can truly focus... but if I don't start doing something, I don't have time to write in here, and since I've been writing daily versus years ago I'd do it on occasion... maybe I should just pray about it and ask Jesus what I should do?  

Matthew 6:6 (ESV)  But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

Yes, I come into this room and shut the door.  And I pray, always.  But I'm missing that 'closeness' that I have always felt. Is there sin in my life?  Not that I haven't confessed and repented of.  I don't know... I just want to go back to when I first fell in love with Jesus and devoted all my time to Him.  And back then, I didn't write in this blog. I didn't get on the computer at all.  I read scripture, meditated on it, wrote down what I got out of it as a prayer to God.  Yes, I learned that from Discipleship.

Sometimes it is worth going back to the beginning of your walk so that you can fall in love with Jesus all over again.  Not that I have ever stopped loving Jesus, I haven't.  But I want more of Him.  I don't want to be complacent with where I am with Him.  I want more of Jesus.  I have heard His voice.  I have heard Him speak my name. When you have had that experience, nothing else matters and you want more.  Always more.

Lord Jesus, Your Word says that if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me.  I believe Your Word. Help me find what I am looking for in my heart. Total surrender. Emotions, will, desires.  Everything. I seek after You with all my heart.  I long to hear Your voice.  Speak Lord, for Your servant is listening.

A bit personal, perhaps, but honestly is always the best policy, right?  Are you desiring to hear His voice? Sometimes we just need to sit and be quiet.  This is why I always long for my time without distractions....  I remember that Susanna Wesley (John Wesley wife) - they had numerous children, and every day she would sit in her rocking chair and put her apron over her head (back then, women wore aprons all the time, they needed to!) and the children knew not to disturb her, that was her prayer time. She shut her eyes from distraction (by putting the apron over her face), and focused on God.  Oh that we all would do the same!

I pray that you find the time, the space, the opportunity to just sit with Jesus and tell Him all that you desire.  And then just sit there and listen.  May you hear His voice; it is the best thing ever.  We get so rushed to get on with our day, we forget to listen.  Take time to just sit before Him.  Listen... you just may hear the answer you are seeking.

Blessings!