I had a good long talk...

 with our church administrator.... and I had 'run off' of the mouth about my opinions.  Of course I did.  Don't ask me a question and not expect me to give you an honest answer!  No, it wasn't that bad.  She actually called me about our non-existent class, and that they wanted to keep it 'open' in that as people come in to the church and if they mention they'd like to attend a discipleship class, this can be offered.  I reminded that they cannot attend if the class is three weeks in to a section, and they would have to wait and she said that was fine - we could tell them when the next section would start.  

We moved on to the women's ministry; I had signed up to help with food for our women's group.  We only meet every other month at this time.  I love to cook and bake so volunteered to help.  She shared some things that is going on in that area.  We talked about our pastors.... and I told her that our pastor's wife had text'd me early yesterday morning for hubby to come see him at the church before noon that day... he had time available.  So I called hubby and told him (he was at breakfast with a friend) - he went after breakfast to meet with the pastor.  I know what he wanted to talk about... no, not about me, although I'm probably his biggest pain.

Anyway, I told the administrator (who is now keeping our pastor's calendar as it was all over the place and he needed an admin to keep it organized) that hubby would be meeting with him at 10:30AM.  And, that started my deluge of personal thoughts.  I told her I was having difficulty feeling connected at the church.  We have met some people, I've tried to get involved in different things with women's ministry, but I'm just not feeling connected.  She was a sweetheart and expressed her dismay that I felt that way.  So we talked about it and she offered areas that I/we could step up in to and get more involved within the church.  There were a couple things that I could agree to pray about and see if that is something I want to take on.  And I really need to think this all through.  

I've gotten lazy in my old age and working from home.  Although the way this week has gone, I really have been longing for retirement cause I just don't want to do this anymore, and yet, I enjoy my job.  It's just some of the things that I really do not like.  Like board meetings, expense reports, travel arrangements, etc.  Never have liked those.  Anyway... I often wonder about the time I feel I've lost - or gained - by working from home.  It does have its advantages.  I get dressed when I feel like it. I eat when I want to. I get up and walk around the house. I bake cookies when I want to. I get dinner started early if I have something laid out.   I like working from home.  I miss the social interaction with others.

I know - figure that one out!  I'm working from home and possibly saving myself 3 hours a day (no kidding!!) and yet, I feel I don't have much time.  I used to get up at 4AM; have my quiet time from 4-5AM; 5-6AM I would get dressed for work, and out the door to work by 7AM.  Left work at 4PM, and most days it would take 1.5 to 2 hours to get back home.  We'd figure out dinner, and then I usually had a class to work on, and I would take time to study for that, and there was a time I took a college class as well.  I would get to bed around 10-11PM most nights and I was good with that.

And now?  I get up at 4AM, have my quiet time until 7AM (ok, sometimes I fall back to sleep, but when I don't, I can read more, be quiet more, write more, and type in here. (Remember when it was hit and miss and I'd do it from the office as a rule)  7AM I'm on the work computer, get dressed after I review emails, grab a shake for breakfast, and sit in front of the computer the rest of the day, unless I have a lunch to go to, until 4PM when I shut down.  I go into the kitchen to fix dinner, or we go out to eat.  Then back home to (now) to read or crochet. We now go to bed around 8:30PM except on weekends and we may - rarely - stay up until 10PM, if we are watching a movie.

And I feel I don't have time.  And I feel so disorganized.  Probably because I really don't have a class to study for, prepare for.  And I go to bed early which eliminates an hour or two of other things. And I crochet now, which I didn't before.  I really need to evaluate what do I want to do.  Where do I really want to go with this feeling.  I know I want to serve God however I can.  I want to be obedient to Him and whatever He calls me to do.  Yes, I'm still speaking at the RV parks currently - and I need to get a message pulled together since I will be speaking the 2nd Sunday in February.  3rd Sunday too, I think.  I do need to get on that as it will be here before we know it.  That means I need to work on it this weekend.

Hubby just opened my door..... he is heading out to breakfast and bible study with his friends.  Perhaps I'm jealous that I can't do that.  Just thinking aloud.... maybe I can choose a time once a month (for me) that I can get with a few women from church and just dive into a Bible study together.  At a restaurant that isn't too busy.  Where we can eat and talk and discuss things.  There isn't a place here that hubby can go to while I do it at home..... if he goes into his 'office', the 'door' is still open... cause there isn't one.  Ok - I'm rambling in my thoughts now.  Another boring blog, right? Just an old woman rambling with her thoughts.

James 4:10 (NIV):  "Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up."

The truth be known, I only want to serve the Lord.  When I first rededicated my life to God and changed my life, got involved in prayer and prayer activities, I would pray that I could be like Anna in the bible.  You remember Anna, right?   She was the woman who saw Jesus as a baby when Mary and Joseph brought Him to the temple to be dedicated.  Simon was there too, remember?  I wanted to stay in the 'courts of the Lord' and never leave.  I seriously thought about how I could do that.  I had read stories of women who lived at the church in the prayer room and was constantly in prayer.  That was my longing.  But I couldn't step away from my family or responsibilities.  So I made my home my sanctuary at times when I 'locked' myself in a room for a day or part of a day.  Drove hubby crazy I shut him out too.  I so long to get away by myself (which is why I love the times he is busy and I'm home alone - even if I do things while he is gone) and just focus on Jesus and be quiet before Him and let Him speak to me.

Fasting is one way we humble ourselves before the Lord.  Giving up specific foods (or all foods) to spend time with Him.  Hubby has not mentioned turning the tv on since that one time.  I'm proud of him, and told him so.  And I have loved having the quiet in the evenings.  But alas, our fast ends tomorrow at midnight.  21 days.  We have (I think) stuck with our food commitment.  Yeah, mine ended up evolving to the BBCD - and believe it or not - I've even left my saltine crackers alone, although that was a real struggle.  I love saltine crackers - even by themselves!  Hubby has mentioned 'toast' a couple times when he tells me what he's eaten... but I don't say anything.  I think he just forgets and that's between him and God.  I'm not the one to watch over his eating during a fast.  I cook what we agreed to eat.  I have a feeling, though, that come Sunday, we will be having steak for either lunch or dinner! LOL Or a big burger.  I still have a Red Robin gift card I got from Ms. Diane for Christmas so that might be lunch.

And, I need to get up and get moving as the time is getting away from me.  So I leave you with this thought - what have you done to humble yourself before the Lord lately?

Blessings!

And then.... almost nothing....

 Yep - that is how my day was yesterday.  Almost nothing.  No meetings to attend, only one meeting, I think, that I had to schedule.  I chatted with one of my bosses a bit on teams.  I think that was about it.  But I was available.  And I did have correspondence with a couple of the other admin/executive assistants in that we were looking for information.  These days are rare and I am definitely not complaining.  It allowed me to get a few other things done that I had been putting off.

I'm getting an 'itching' to take some days off work - and yet - I don't really have a reason to take it off.  I may take off April 28th as I do have another eye doctor appointment downtown, which isn't a big deal as I can take off work for that.  But, I on my own, without knowing anyone  specifically, signed up for another women's conference in one of the nearby churches.  AND I got another hotel room because this one says it goes to 11PM!  My daughter agreed to go with me, but I think neither of us will stay up that late!  I don't know the speakers on this one either, but am looking forward to a time of worship with other women.  I am trying to get 'out' more and become involved with other women.  I've been a recluse far too long.  Still thinking whether or not to take that day off.

My right eye has been bothering me the past day or so.  I'll see how it goes today and if it continues, will be calling the eye doctor to have him take a look at it.  I keep wondering if I did something because the first two weeks it was fine; no irritation or anything.  But now, it's like I have something in my eye and it waters and hurts.  Yeah, I may have to give him a call.  I just don't want to go downtown again.... but may have no choice.  He is only in metro area on Tuesdays, I think.  I don't think I should wait that long.  My left eye is perfectly fine.  It's really weird - in the past, I could see the print on my computer without glasses easily enough - and if I did have difficulty, I grabbed the magnifying glass to see it (hence the surgery).  Now I wear the $1 reading glasses I picked up somewhere and see it so much clearer!  I'm wearing my prescription reading glasses now, and they don't seem to be as clear as the $1 ones.  Imagine that.  When my vision settles down, wonder what it will be.  It seems that distance is much better than closer - and I've been nearsighted all my life, so it definitely is a change for me!

Powerful prayer meeting at church last night.  I debated on going, but we did.  The entire service is prayer and just sitting in God's Presence is well worth going.  It also allows the joining of prayers for our church, family members, ourselves, as well as the country and the world.  Some people who felt they have been spiritually beaten up lately went up to be anointed and prayed over.  It was a good service and actually ran over about a half hour - but that's ok.  We were in God's Presence.

I think we have decided not to attend the sunrise service this year as our pastor won't be speaking.  I know, lame excuse, but we've had a few other speakers lately and hubby wants to hear our pastor.  He will be speaking at our 10AM service so we will go then.  The thought occurred to me last night that years ago, getting a new dress for Easter was the 'thing'.  My children always got Easter baskets and a new outfit to wear to church.  That fell by the wayside as they become teenagers... except the Easter baskets.  As adults with families now, they realize how expensive that can get!  Especially when you don't want to fill the basket up with candy.  Then one by one, you stop making them... and a piece of your heart hurts for times gone by.  Depending on how involved you were with making baskets for your children - or even your spouse (yes I used to do that too) - can cause a heartache loss.

New dresses.  Ugh.  I do not care for the style women's clothes have gone to the past few years.  That is partly the reason why I don't like to go shopping.  I think I realized my 'problem' with shopping for clothes a few nights ago.  Besides the 'fluffiness' of my body.... and this is a hard realization for women - in most cases.  I do not feel old.  Even at 73, I do not consider myself old.  I'm not ready to sit and crochet the remainder of my days.  I'm not ready to give up living.   But have you noticed the women's dresses are either short/tight/lowcut/etc...... or they are matronly/chunky/highcollar/old....?  There is no in between!!  I can't wear a dress for a teenager - but I don't want to wear my grandmother's dress either!  It has given me an urge to take sewing lessons and refresh my memory!  I need to make my own clothes.  I've never been a flashy dresser. 

Ok, so I did wear hot pants way back when.  Yes, I had the 'go-go- black boots to go with it.  I also had the body to look good in it.  Those are things of the past.  I'm more reserved now; more conscious of how low my top comes; the length of my dress/skirt.  But I feel I can still dress nice - when I can find the right outfit.  I have found that Penney's has the best dresses for my style... and as I work on my belly fat, I can wear what I have on hand that I have purchased from there years ago.  I love to wear suits - but the one or two I have left are toooo tight.  Yeah, that big butt of mine keeps getting in the way of that too.  That's another whole ballgame.

Wow - from Easter baskets to making my own clothes... that's a big drop!  Bored yet?  I think this is one of my 'rambling' days.  

Skimmed through one of my 'new' cookbooks yesterday and found a couple more recipes that I want to try.  Went online and ordered groceries for pick up.  I haven't gotten groceries for about 3 weeks so had several things to pick up besides the other things for the recipes.  Can you believe that Frys said they were out of green bell peppers?  Since it is just listed as 'bell peppers', I am wondering if the clerk just didn't know what they were!  I made an irritated comment as I was told they were out of bell peppers - "I guess I'll have to go to Safeway".  Snarky, huh.  But I need my bell peppers for the recipes!  And I can't make salsa without the bell peppers either!  I may take a break and do a run over to Safeway today.  I did get fried chicken and a rotisserie chicken too - we had the fried chicken last night with mashed potatoes and broccoli.  My comfort food.  And it tasted so good.  I'll tear the meat off the rotisserie chicken today to put in other dishes.  Maybe we will have stir fry tonight.  

It's only 6:18AM and I hear the landscapers out already working on the trees and lawn.  They are supposed to trim our tree in the back, plus 'manicure' the tree in the front of our house today.  So ready for it - they did one side the other week and didn't touch the other side!  Looks crappy and I've let hubby know (as president of the HOA) that I was not happy with it.  He got angry with my comments but I told him that just because he is the president doesn't mean he can let things go for us!  What is the saying about a cobbler's family are the last ones to get shoes?  I've actually nagged about the trees in front and back of our house.... I don't like the trees, period.  They shed way too many little tiny leaves all over the place.  As far as I'm concerned, cut them down!  But 'we' don't own them, the HOA does (whoopee) so I tell hubby I CAN nag at him to get them done right!  He told me last night they will be getting them done.  See - what if I hadn't nagged at him?

Matthews 11:28-30 (NKJV):   "Come to me, all of you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

Feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?  Take a deep breath, and just rest for a few minutes.  Sit still; close your eyes; breathe deeply.  Let all the tension leave your shoulders, your body; all your cares release from your mind.  Take this deep moment of rest.  That's what giving all your troubles, fears, issues, to Jesus feels like.  Complete peace.  

You can't always change circumstances, but God can.  Struggling with emotions or fear?  Give them to Jesus.  Overwhelmed with bills or with life?  Give them to Jesus.  

Whatever is troubling your heart or mind, take a moment and hold out your hands and say "Jesus, I give this to you.  Please take over.  I'm tired of not sleeping.  I'm tired of struggling.  I'm tired of worrying.  I give it all to You.  Thank You for the peace that passeth all understanding.  Help me to trust You, to believe in You when I doubt You.  Help me to see Your hand upon my life, because I know that someone is also praying for me.  I struggle, Lord, to believe in You.  Help my unbelief.  In Your name I pray, amen."

Blessings!