I cannot get the thought out of my mind that no one loved my sister but me. Oh, they say they loved her, but their words and their lack of words do not show love. Shouldn't we focus more on the good rather than the bad? This entire week has weighed heavy on my heart since I got home and have had the time to think back. Yesterday was a quiet day. Hubby wanted to take me to breakfast, so we went. But I wasn't so talkative yesterday and with him being alone (although he went out for several meals with other people in my absence) all week, he wanted talk - and I didn't want to talk. I wanted to think. I wanted to process.
I did fix a ribeye in the airfryer last night - tender and juicy once again! and even fixed a potato in it at the same time. Pretty cool... sliced the potato almost to the end and filled the slices with parmasean cheese and then put butter on top - it came out like a fried potato on top and so good. Love trying new things. He commented that was the best meal he had had since I left. Of course it was. I was home cooking for him. Afterwards he wanted to watch a movie, but I didn't want to. I just wanted to be quiet. So he fussed and wanted to play a game so I gave in and we played three rounds of yahtzee. He wanted activity about him, movies or games, and I just wanted to be quiet in my thoughts and crochet. I finally gave up at 8:30PM and said I was going to bed; I had been fighting sleep since about 7PM. I slept until about 5:30AM which is unusual. I think the week was just catching up with me.
We had a good storm blow through during the night. While it was still light, the wind was blowing pretty hard. As I walked by the window I looked out into our courtyard and saw something laying there. I went out to look and it was shingles off our roof! I backed up to look and shingles were flopping all over the roof on the front side. Hubby went into panic mode and was on the phone with the insurance company wanting someone to come out to take care of it. And the wind and storm was still happening! I was a bit irritated at him.... he couldn't even wait until the storm stopped to see what damage there was; he was already on the phone - and they told him take a picture and someone would be out in two days. I have no idea what he did or how the photo turned out. Then he came in and complained we have a $1000 deductible. Well, if we need a new roof, let's figure out how to get it done. I will offer to pay half and I know he has the money in savings. But he will complain until he gets me to pay it. Not a big deal. God always provides for what we need and I will leave it in His hands.
Hubby did one of his confusing talks over dinner lastnight. You know, and I know, that he knows the answer. We have talked about this numerous times over the years; he has talked with our friends about this over the years. He nags at people about this. What was it about? Tithing. Since I tithe off my social security check, he started tithing off of his. But what about my paycheck? I have given him the gross amount of my check numerous times (right now I don't even know how much I make) or an estimate of it, and he was to be tithing it. Granted, 80% of my check goes into our joint account, but I have 20% going into my personal account since I buy everything for family and for emergencies (as a rule). The joint account is for bills and his going out to eat with his friends. He asked if he should be tithing off what he got of my check. I told him that he could never out give God. The more we give God, He always blesses us. Not that that should be the reason we tithe. But God has provided so many times over the years for us. When I had the checkbook, I tithed. But when he took it over, he pays bills first and then decides what to give. I gave up being frustrated about it. I finally told him to stop worrying about it; for him to tithe 10% of what is put in the checking account, and I'd take care of the rest. I can tithe off the gross amount. Sometimes I don't know if he really forgets and gets confused - or does he bring up these off the wall conversations just so that we can have something to talk about?
He told his doctor that one time - and he is foolish enough to tell me what he told him. I had asked him to tell his doctor that he seems confused a lot and sometimes will ask questions that make no sense. So he came home to report that he told his doctor what I wanted him to tell..... and then proceeded to tell me that he also told the doctor he does it so that I will talk to him. He doesn't realize that a lot of times we don't talk because we have nothing to talk about. He tries to live his life through me most of the time. He asks about every detail of my work. I don't want to talk about work. He asks what meals I head in Indiana. How did this go? What did we do? Where did we go? What did we have to eat? Did we swim in my sister's pool? Was the meat burned at the cookout? Questions that annoy me because they make no sense to me. He has no life.
Hubby is reading a book I bought recently and he asked me over dinner as well, the book states that God has a plan for each of our lives. How do we know if we are successful at our age, to be in the plan God has. I plainly told him that age has nothing to do with it. Age is an excuse. As I have told him numerous times, take a class and learn something that he can use in the world. Learn a skill. Find a hobby. Volunteer somewhere that can use what he has to offer. THAT is success. It isn't about being a leader or in charge of something. Success is using all that you have to glorify God in all things. I shared that he could do anything he wanted to do - but he alone has to take that step to do it. I have begged him to volunteer even at St Mary's food bank - but he doesn't like 'manual labor'. Never has. But I tried to help him to see that in volunteering, it is success, for he is helping others. Sigh. Will see how much that conversation will help him get out of the house and do something.
Don't mean to put him down or anything. Just sharing our conversation. My little sister is the same way. Only she will sign up to do something at her church - and then not show up. I've told her that she is showing that she is not dependable, that they can not depend on her because she always has an excuse why. Usually it is her husband's health (which he is in remission) - but this last time she signed herself up and two of her grandchildren wanted to go with her to help bag rice and beans to be shipped to another country their church supports. That morning her grandchildren decided they didn't want to go. So she didn't go either, because she didn't want to go alone. Don't sign up if you aren't committed to follow through. Right? Don't mean to put her down either. Just a pet peeve with me. If I get after her too much, she gets depressed and here we go again trying to get her out of the pit.
Oh my - I am being cranky this morning, aren't I?! My apologies!
I started in Colossians this morning and Paul was writing to them, although he never had visited them. But he had heard how they were listening to false teachers and were not following Christ. And that is what we are called to do.
We are to follow Christ's example in this world. To love the unlovely. To care for those who have no one to care for them. (remember Sister Therese?) To take care of those who have no one to take care of them. To give until we can no longer give - and give some more. To be Jesus to this hurting world. There are so many people who have never heard of Jesus... and we are the only Jesus they will ever hear of. They need to see 'Jesus' in action - and that is our job. To be 'Jesus' to them. To love them when no one else does. Sometimes it is hard, I get it. But we are called to do it anyway.
When I think of what my life could have been like had I not run to Jesus, I shudder. Truly. It took a second marriage for me to run back to Jesus, but I knew that I could not survive if I didn't have Jesus to help me. And I still say that. Life is hard. I would have left many years ago, if I hadn't depended on Jesus to help me through the tough times. And I still depend greatly on Him.
Jesus is all you need to live in this crazy, demanding, mixed-up world. If you don't have Jesus, it just makes it so much harder. Why keep waiting? Ask Jesus to forgive your sins and come live within you, so that you too, can live life better. It's the best thing I ever did. I am totally, completely, dependent upon Jesus. If He doesn't help me, I cannot be helped. If He doesn't heal me, I can't be healed. If Jesus doesn't live in me, I cannot live. He has to be my life, my All in All. He has to be first and foremost. He has to be ALL. No matter what happens to me, or through me, or in me, I have to have Jesus. I can't make it in this world without Him. And neither can you.
Blessings!
