I didn't sleep well last night - well, I had difficulty going to sleep. Not sure exactly why, but I can contribute it to different things. I imagine it was the tea I drank at KFC last night with dinner; you know, caffeine after 5PM. Sometimes it doesn't bother me; I have even had coffee later than that! But it has been a long time. Now my coffee is usually just in the mornings. My tea drinking is usually in the afternoons to keep me going. Water is usually 'my thing'. We watched two movies before going to bed - around 10PM versus our usual 8:30PM. So why couldn't I go to sleep (other than 're-watching the movies scenes' in my mind) and why did I wake up at 5AM? UGH. I got up and came in here, hoping not to wake hubby, but he was already starting to awaken and was moving about - which always ensures I move and get out of bed for he starts tossing and turning and there is no way I could go back to sleep. My mind is usually awake between 4-5AM and it annoys me on weekends. I can sleep a little later, right? But not today. sigh.
I will be going to a Ladies Crew thing (that what they call them) at church today at 11AM. I struggle with this sometimes. Our former church spoiled me in many ways and I have so many fond memories of things we did in the women's groups there. Whenever the women would get together, especially for a 'tea', we had food. It might just be sandwiches and tea or something like that, but it was fun going to. Here, we had one where it was a potluck - which was fine, I love to cook - and that was Christmas. Today, it's called 'Spill the Tea' so one would think it would be like a tea party, right? It's not. I wasn't sure exactly what it was about, so I checked emails this morning. FINALLY, there was some information about it. 'Come as you are - jeans or dress up - bring your favorite teacup or mug - light refreshments (aka packages of nuts, snacks in packages you buy at the store) and listen to women share some of the difficult times in their lives and how they came through it. I just feel this heaviness and yearning within me that there is so much more that could be done to encourage and help women be all they can be for God! Honestly, I really struggle with this. I tell myself to 'mind your own business' and let the people 'in charge' do their thing. But I have felt so discouraged when I leave these things because although the purpose is good, they don't make them 'fun'. Does that make sense? I have offered before to sit down with the administrator (who seemingly is in charge of EVERYthing going on and the direct line to the pastors) and share ideas of ways we could encourage women - based on my own experiences - and I feel I am ignored. Oh I get the positive responses when I offer help or suggestions, but they fall on deaf ears. I realize it is a lot of the (not type-casting here) culture of the leadership of this church, and they perhaps have never had these experiences I have had. And I struggle to connect. Oh well. Maybe today will be different.
And I always ask the question to myself - although I do want to be involved in things..... HOW involved do I want to be? I feel like between work and hubby, I really do not have much time to do things. Honestly. I have 4 planters that I bought that came to be assembled over a week ago, and they are still sitting in the boxes to be put together. I simply MUST do it this afternoon! My plants are going to die if I don't get them in pots soon!! I still can't figure out how I can work from home (gaining two hours driving time most days) and still not have time to get things done. Have I become so lazy that I just put it off all the time? I don't want to be this way! I must start forcing myself to ignore hubby's comments and interruptions and DO SOMETHING. I mean besides crochet or knit and fix him dinner. I need to start moving and become ALIVE again. I'm struggling inside; I really am! I don't want to be come my mother who in her latter years would just sit in her chair at the kitchen table all day. I want to be active and alive and live life. I feel so weighted down - how do I break through this heaviness? How do I reach out and grab ahold of life?
Well, this is weird. I had to stop for a moment and go down the hall and I hear hubby talking to someone on the phone. I don't recognize the male voice. I pause to listen and since he has it on speaker, I can easily hear. The voice says "I have a proposition for you and (me) I'd like to come over this morning and talk about." WHO IS THIS PERSON? My curiosity is aroused. Hubby told him I have the tea this morning so was busy, but the voice said they want to come over within the hour. Ah.... Hubby just came in - lol - disgruntled, I might add, that he was interrupted this morning (after all, it is 7AM.) So what is this about? And, who is this person? It's a (former) pastor we worked with up north for 5 years. They live in the city we do now permanently (and have for a couple years) although we haven't hung out with them. They are both retired, and yet, here I am. Anyway, he wants to talk with hubby and I about a ministry he thinks we might be interested in. HAH! He doesn't know, I assume, that hubby has 'retired' from speaking. I am curious as to what it is, but hubby is insistent my quiet time this morning is not to be interrupted (by anyone but him) so he is grumbling as he gets dressed to go meet this person for coffee and hear what he has to say. This should be interesting. I am curious what it is, but as you know, as I was just groaning about, my 'free' time is limited, and I need to start making myself DO things I want to get done and quit being lazy and sitting around. In fact, once hubby is gone, I may get dressed and start on one of those planters!
We heard that John Maxwell, a well-known speaker, is going to be at a former church this weekend so we are going to meet our daughter and SIL there later this afternoon to listen to him. I have read a few of his books - definitely not all of them - on leadership and I have learned a lot. It will be good to listen to some fresh ideas and ways of doing things - as if I have any say in the way of anything being done at the church.
I'm curious what this coffee meeting is with hubby and our friend! Hubby just left to meet him, grumbling. I told him to go with a positive attitude; it might be something he would enjoy and find passion about. Grumble. "Or he wants to pass it on to us because he doesn't want to do it." was his comment back. LOL See what I live with? Let's not be positive and open-minded about anything - let's just grumble and make our mind up you are passing it over to me because you don't want to do it. And that may be true...... but still..... and I'm not having to get up, get dressed and go because hubby is 'protecting' my quiet time. He does fight about anyone taking some of my time away in the mornings.
Hebrews 6:10 (NKJV): For God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name, in that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister.
Huh. Sometimes I pull verses from memory, and other times I check to see what Bible Gateway has for the verse of the day. This one causes me to go 'hmmm'. In that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister. Is God saying something to us in that verse as hubby goes to meet with our friend? Hubby has been refusing to get involved in any way other than attending the men's crew groups or us (me) facilitating a class. I am pretty sure he is going to come back with a decided 'no' for whatever it is, and will have any excuse - but I could also be very wrong. I really do wish he would get involved and DO something, but he has decided his Tuesday night Bible study, His weekly breakfasts with his friends, and his Friday morning Bible study is all he needs to be involved in; he is too busy for anything else. Oh, and working out, that is.
But then, how do I really feel? Do I feel I can take anything else on? I think it would depend on what it is. I don't know. I know how tired I am after a day of work (and Friday was NOT a light day - I had several meetings to make for the male boss who was in Colorado waiting on me when I turned on the computer!!) I had meetings to schedule throughout the day; I had numerous things given to me to do - I broke away to go donate blood yesterday afternoon and came back to more things to do - I never did get any of the trainings done. I had hoped to knock them all out; didn't even get into that section. I was really busy, and at 3:45PM my male boss was emailing me to create a contract. I told him I'd do it on Monday. 4PM I shut my computer down. They may work until 5PM, but I do not, unless it is a critical thing.
Stay tuned... if I remember, I will share tomorrow what this intriguing thing is being presented. In the meantime, hubby is gone, I think I'm going to stop and look at the planter and see how to put it together.
Blessings!
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