Not sure what it is....

 I didn't sleep well last night - well, I had difficulty going to sleep.  Not sure exactly why, but I can contribute it to different things.  I imagine it was the tea I drank at KFC last night with dinner; you know, caffeine after 5PM.  Sometimes it doesn't bother me; I have even had coffee later than that!  But it has been a long time.  Now my coffee is usually just in the mornings.  My tea drinking is usually in the afternoons to keep me going.  Water is usually 'my thing'.  We watched two movies before going to bed - around 10PM versus our usual 8:30PM.  So why couldn't I go to sleep (other than 're-watching the movies scenes' in my mind) and why did I wake up at 5AM?  UGH.  I got up and came in here, hoping not to wake hubby, but he was already starting to awaken and was moving about - which always ensures I move and get out of bed for he starts tossing and turning and there is no way I could go back to sleep.  My mind is usually awake between 4-5AM and it annoys me on weekends.  I can sleep a little later, right?  But not today.  sigh.

I will be going to a Ladies Crew thing (that what they call them) at church today at 11AM.  I struggle with this sometimes.  Our former church spoiled me in many ways and I have so many fond memories of things we did in the women's groups there.  Whenever the women would get together, especially for a 'tea', we had food.  It might just be sandwiches and tea or something like that, but it was fun going to.  Here, we had one where it was a potluck - which was fine, I love to cook - and that was Christmas.  Today, it's called 'Spill the Tea' so one would think it would be like a tea party, right?  It's not.  I wasn't sure exactly what it was about, so I checked emails this morning.  FINALLY, there was some information about it.  'Come as you are - jeans or dress up - bring your favorite teacup or mug - light refreshments (aka packages of nuts, snacks in packages you buy at the store) and listen to women share some of the difficult times in their lives and how they came through it.   I just feel this heaviness and yearning within me that there is so much more that could be done to encourage and help women be all they can be for God!  Honestly, I really struggle with this.  I tell myself to 'mind your own business' and let the people 'in charge' do their thing.  But I have felt so discouraged when I leave these things because although the purpose is good, they don't make them 'fun'.  Does that make sense?  I have offered before to sit down with the administrator (who seemingly is in charge of EVERYthing going on and the direct line to the pastors) and share ideas of ways we could encourage women - based on my own experiences - and I feel I am ignored.  Oh I get the positive responses when I offer help or suggestions, but they fall on deaf ears.  I realize it is a lot of the (not type-casting here) culture of the leadership of this church, and they perhaps have never had these experiences I have had.  And I struggle to connect.  Oh well.  Maybe today will be different.

And I always ask the question to myself - although I do want to be involved in things..... HOW involved do I want to be?  I feel like between work and hubby, I really do not have much time to do things.  Honestly.  I have 4 planters that I bought that came to be assembled over a week ago, and they are still sitting in the boxes to be put together.  I simply MUST do it this afternoon!  My plants are going to die if I don't get them in pots soon!!  I still can't figure out how I can work from home (gaining two hours driving time most days) and still not have time to get things done.  Have I become so lazy that I just put it off all the time?  I don't want to be this way!  I must start forcing myself to ignore hubby's comments and interruptions and DO SOMETHING.  I mean besides crochet or knit and fix him dinner.  I need to start moving and become ALIVE again.  I'm struggling inside; I really am!  I don't want to be come my mother who in her latter years would just sit in her chair at the kitchen table all day.  I want to be active and alive and live life.  I feel so weighted down - how do I break through this heaviness?  How do I reach out and grab ahold of life?  

Well, this is weird.  I had to stop for a moment and go down the hall and I hear hubby talking to someone on the phone.  I don't recognize the male voice. I pause to listen and since he has it on speaker, I can easily hear.  The voice says "I have a proposition for you and (me) I'd like to come over this morning and talk about."  WHO IS THIS PERSON?  My curiosity is aroused.  Hubby told him I have the tea this morning so was busy, but the voice said they want to come over within the hour.  Ah.... Hubby just came in - lol - disgruntled, I might add, that he was interrupted this morning (after all, it is 7AM.)  So what is this about?  And, who is this person?  It's a (former) pastor we worked with up north for 5 years.  They live in the city we do now permanently (and have for a couple years) although we haven't hung out with them. They are both retired, and yet, here I am.  Anyway, he wants to talk with hubby and I about a ministry he thinks we might be interested in.  HAH!  He doesn't know, I assume, that hubby has 'retired' from speaking.  I am curious as to what it is, but hubby is insistent my quiet time this morning is not to be interrupted (by anyone but him) so he is grumbling as he gets dressed to go meet this person for coffee and hear what he has to say.  This should be interesting. I am curious what it is, but as you know, as I was just groaning about, my 'free' time is limited, and I need to start making myself DO things I want to get done and quit being lazy and sitting around.  In fact, once hubby is gone, I may get dressed and start on one of those planters!  

We heard that John Maxwell, a well-known speaker, is going to be at a former church this weekend so we are going to meet our daughter and SIL there later this afternoon to listen to him.  I have read a few of his books - definitely not all of them - on leadership and I have learned a lot. It will be good to listen to some fresh ideas and ways of doing things - as if I have any say in the way of anything being done at the church.  

I'm curious what this coffee meeting is with hubby and our friend!  Hubby just left to meet him, grumbling.  I told him to go with a positive attitude; it might be something he would enjoy and find passion about.  Grumble. "Or he wants to pass it on to us because he doesn't want to do it." was his comment back.  LOL  See what I live with?  Let's not be positive and open-minded about anything - let's just grumble and make our mind up you are passing it over to me because you don't want to do it.  And that may be true...... but still.....   and I'm not having to get up, get dressed and go because hubby is 'protecting' my quiet time.  He does fight about anyone taking some of my time away in the mornings.

Hebrews 6:10 (NKJV):  For God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name, in that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister.

Huh.  Sometimes I pull verses from memory, and other times I check to see what Bible Gateway has for the verse of the day.  This one causes me to go 'hmmm'.  In that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister.  Is God saying something to us in that verse as hubby goes to meet with our friend?  Hubby has been refusing to get involved in any way other than attending the men's crew groups or us (me) facilitating a class.  I am pretty sure he is going to come back with a decided 'no' for whatever it is, and will have any excuse  - but I could also be very wrong.  I really do wish he would get involved and DO something, but he has decided his Tuesday night Bible study, His weekly breakfasts with his friends, and his Friday morning Bible study is all he needs to be involved in; he is too busy for anything else. Oh, and working out, that is.   

But then, how do I really feel?  Do I feel I can take anything else on?  I think it would depend on what it is.  I don't know.  I know how tired I am after a day of work (and Friday was NOT a light day - I had several meetings to make for the male boss who was in Colorado waiting on me when I turned on the computer!!)  I had meetings to schedule throughout the day; I had numerous things given to me to do - I broke away to go donate blood yesterday afternoon and came back to more things to do - I never did get any of the trainings done.  I had hoped to knock them all out; didn't even get into that section. I was really busy, and at 3:45PM my male boss was emailing me to create a contract.  I told him I'd do it on Monday. 4PM I shut my computer down. They may work until 5PM, but I do not, unless it is a critical thing.

Stay tuned... if I remember, I will share tomorrow what this intriguing thing is being presented.  In the meantime, hubby is gone, I think I'm going to stop and look at the planter and see how to put it together.

Blessings!

Removing clutter....

 I've been thinking - and sometimes working at it - removing clutter from this house.  More thinking than doing it, I'm afraid.  I did work on my cookbooks last week and got them all together on a shelf.  I had actually bought a bookcase/storage unit to put on the cabinet to put them in, but it is too tall.  Decided to take the second shelf down in the laundry room to make room for it - and when i looked at the box, realized that I had grabbed a black unit, and not the white, as I want.  So it is still in the box; I decided not to remove the 2nd shelf, and put my cookbooks on it.  I went through the loose sheets of recipes and through several away I knew that I would never create. (Some you just know you won't do it)  The top of the cabinet still has some clutter on it, but hopefully I will work on it today.

I look again around this room and see all the clutter - which is much worse now with all the Christmas items, wrappings, boxes, etc. all over the bed, spilled on to the floor.  I really need to do something about this.  I've been wrapping gifts for the past couple weeks, writing down everything I wrap so that I know what I've bought for someone and be finished.  I know I have some things still enroute to come in, and think I will hold off 'shopping' for a week or so until all have arrived.  I sometimes forget to write down what I order because I get sidetracked.... and then it is too much... I actually think I am 'done' with a few people.  I can start on my baking and freeze it to send to family back in the midwest; but then I think how easy it would be just to order something and have sent there - which is what I did last year and it was well received.  Yeah, I'm leaning towards doing that again this year.  By the time I spent time and energy baking things, taking to ship out to the post office, I probably spend less by just ordering this one item from the bakery and letting them bake it and ship it.

I made plum jam last night - but because I don't really can it, it must remain in the refrigerator.  It's too sweet for me so hubby gets to enjoy it all.  I had bought him plums about 3 weeks ago and he hadn't eaten too many of them.  I had to use them up or throw away in another week as spoiled.   I haven't made biscuits in years from scratch.... I wonder if I can find a recipe to do so.  A hot biscuit with butter and jam on it does sound good.

I've actually been energetic the past two mornings.  And my body is telling me I actually DID something rather than just sit around.  Friday morning I went out front to do something - can't remember what - hubby was gone to meet a friend for breakfast - and I saw this plant that I haven't liked since we moved in here.  It was tall and growing over the sidewalk.  Before I knew what I was doing.... I had grabbed the cutters and started trimming it back.   The more I trimmed, the more branches it revealed that were dead.  Yeah, I ended up pulling the entire plant out of the ground.  Come to find out - it was ONE plant with a core of about 3 inches!  It had grown and laid across the 4-5 ft area it covered.  I didn't get all the roots out of the ground but it is at ground level now.  I bagged it all up, proceeded to trim a few more plants and I was very happy.  Then I scrubbed a couple of the benches, moved the chairs around, and tried to make the front area look nice.  A couple things I need to pick up supplies for and will get it done soon.  But it felt good to physically DO something.  Hubby always tells me he will do it - but doesn't - and refuses to let me.  I can only do something when he is not home.

Yesterday morning I met up with the youngest son and headed over to the condo that a nephew had stayed in for a few months.  His mother had told me to get his clothes and ship back to her.   I understand he has gained a lot of weight since being back with her and just eating and watching TV all the time, but she still said to ship the clothes.  We went over and cleaned out the condo of things we knew were his.  I got my dishes back that I had given him... and ended up with several other things that would be thrown away and I could use.  In talking with my sister later, she told him the blow up bed was hers and she wanted it back so left word with my son to tell his friend, who is still there this week, when he is finished with it to let the air out and bring it over.  I sorted through the clothes we brought back and threw away some, put a lot in a bag for Savers, and have 3 different size boxes to ship.  He had 10 pair of jeans!  Who has 10 pair of jeans??!!   At least once I send the items back we can close that chapter.

But today.... we will sit and watch a couple services on the computer and worship online.  We didn't go to church last night - even though it had been our plan.  We really do need to get back in person.... and did for awhile...  I'll work on wrapping the gifts I've gotten in the past couple of days to keep up on it.  I need to find a place to store the gifts - the corner is almost to the ceiling.  With the children not needing anything, and not sharing wants, and the grandchildren getting older and getting out on their own for the most part, there isn't anything anyone needs anymore.  But I enjoy even more than the gifts - other than the fact giving gifts is part of my love language - is having family about and cooking for them and having them near.  

This year has been a tough year, one that I would never want to repeat.  My heart has been broken numerous times, and struggles have been real.  I don't even know how the year will end.  But I lean into Jesus and trust Him always to get me through it.  He is the only One who can.  My heart desperately cries out to Him for help and wisdom and understanding... and I long to draw ever so close to Him.  Yet, sometimes I feel I hit a brick wall.  Have you ever felt that?  You know the feeling; prayers hit the ceiling?  Been going through that for a bit... and realize there is pain in my heart I have to let go of, that is blocking freedom.

It's hard to explain... and I am not going to attempt it this morning.  But I'm sure you experience it at times as well.  Sometimes the struggle is so bad I can't breathe ....  and yet, life goes on.  I know one thing and one thing only.....

Jesus is the only One who can advocate for me, who can draw me through the fire and into the peace of His presence.  I am crawling at times, but I'm reaching out to Him, and grabbing hold of the hem of His robe.  My heart and soul and mind need healing.  Help me, Jesus.

Blessings on your day.