Monday morning.... and an addendum 30 minutes later

 and my stress level is already arising.  Sigh. I really do not like it when hubby brings in the coffee and then proceeds to TELL me what WE are going to do.  It makes me angry, but because I am afraid of HIS anger, and do not want a fight (especially first thing on a Monday morning!) so I said nothing.  He said his spiel and then walked out of the room.  And left me seething.  What is it over?  Doesn't matter.  And I get it. He is still fighting for control, and he knows he is losing control.  We all do it.  When we feel things slipping through our hands, we grab on more tightly, right?  I get it.  I'm just angry I am in the middle of it. So this morning my prayers were for God to protect, guide, grant me wisdom, show me when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut.

You can't tell me God doesn't work miracles.  This situation hubby 'started' this morning, just ended.  He opens my door and says, "Change of plans.  You can drive this morning.  Does that make you feel better?"  To which I responded, "You will lower my blood pressure."  And you know what?  I never said a word to him.  I let him speak this morning and he left.  I gave it to God, and HE took care of (part of) the issue.  Thank You, Jesus!

Yesterday was a good day.  I spent the morning in here, then we went to church at noon.  Wanting to see the grandson before he was taken to the recruiter's office, we hurried over there. The DIL was busy in the kitchen making things.  I commented that we didn't come over to eat, just to see this grandson before he left. She explained it was for her son's birthday party - which I thought was at 4p, but was at 2p.  We ended up staying, rather than driving home, changing clothes, and driving back, which was the original plan.  I somehow got the times messed up with last week's birthday party, I guess.  Anyway, we stayed.  After awhile I was getting pretty tired as I was still in my Sunday clothes, and you know I dress up.  The heels had come off when I walked in the door. I was longing for my jeans!  So after the gifts were open, we headed home and I quickly changed into more comfortable clothes. 

I headed to Safeway for groceries.  I picked up something I think my oldest son will like.... and I had to sneak one to try it.  If I tell it, does that mean I'm sneaking it?  He will have to wait until Friday to get it.  If there is any left. But he will probably get some - if he hasn't already - if he knows they are 'out'.  Now I know I have his curiosity up!  But if I say more, I know he will figure it out.  I really didn't buy much food at the grocery.... I was hungering for something sweet, which is unusual, for I do have chocolate here at home.  But I bought some things I don't normally buy.  I had to hide them from hubby. Not to keep him out of them, which is probably still true, but because I don't want his condemnation for buying them. And I'll leave that there.

Today hubby has an oncologist appointment at 9a.  Well, it is with the assistant.  I don't want to go. In fact, I hadn't even written it on my calendar, thinking I would not need to go. BUT, they are pushing for him to take 4 small pills daily in addition to the shots he gets once a month - all because his PSA went us about a point. I think I shared this before.  Dr. Mark told him to think quality versus quantity... and hubby has decided to NOT take the pills.  He is to talk with Ashley, the assistant, this morning. It will be interesting if she talks him into it.  I've told him, it's his body, he has to make the call. I refuse to.  He is 89 years old, he will not die of prostrate cancer.  Even Dr. Mark told him that.  I'm glad he is taking a stand, but will he remain firm or give in after talking with Ashley - I don't know.  Of course then we would need to deal with the oncologist when he sees him again.  

Psalm 116:1-2 (ESV):  I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.

If I do nothing else for as long as I live, I will call on the Lord.  Some people may think they 'know' me, but no one knows me like Jesus does.  LOL The old spiritual song sung years ago 'Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.  Nobody knows but Jesus.' just popped into my mind.  Do you remember that one?  It's true, though, even now.  I've shared way too much in here, some days more than I should.... but no one really knows my heart like Jesus does.  He sees every pain, He knows of every tear that does not fall, and He sees those tears that do fall. God collects each tear in a bottle.  Some days I just want to fall on my face and just sob.  I don't want to be comforted, I just want to let all the tears fall without someone trying to get me to stop.

I think I've shared before how I fight tears, even at funerals.  Not because I am embarrassed at my tears, but because I don't want to be sheltered/comforted, if you know what I mean.  There are times I cannot stop the tears, only because it is my loss.  I think the first funeral I have ever gone to that I didn't even 'water up', was my step-father's funeral. And I'll leave that there.  I've guarded my tears over the years. Sadly, I feel no tears when I think of some.  My grief is personal, and my comfort can only come from those who I know truly love me. Just as I am.  And I must leave this here.  

I must be mentally and physically tired... I'm wanting to crawl into a corner and go back to sleep. I want to pull a blanket over my head and hide from life.  Have you ever had those days?   I think of the saying "Angry people are hurting people" and it is a true statement.  I am hurt; and I am angry. But it is of my own doing.  There is another saying, "You make your bed, you lie in it".  Some of you may remember that one.  And one dies a little each day.

My phone just told me my oldest son must be heading for his colonoscopy this morning.  I've already prayed for him, that all 'comes out' ok. Pun intended.  Praying for answers this week as well.

And with that, I'm getting off here. Almost time to start work, and I still need to get ready for hubby's doctor's appointment. I don't want to go. I wish Dr. Mark hadn't been so insistent on me going because hubby can't remember his instructions.  So I have to go and take notes on each doctor's appointment. I'm more of a caregiver and cook at this time of my life. What is God teaching me through all this?  I wish I could learn it.  Is it compassion?  I don't have much at times of that. Maybe I need to have more compassion.... but Lord, it's hard to have compassion in this situation.  Help me, Jesus!

I pray that you have an amazing day!  I think we may be going to dinner with friends tonight.... not sure yet.  Guess I need to check.  Keep looking up; your answers that you seek are on the way.

Blessings!

Things that give you pause....

 It seems at times that sickness is all around us.  From the maladies of flu, colds, asthma, allergies, to real or imagined illnesses, we have them.  If I sit and think long enough I may have a headache, I will probably get one.  If I sit and tell myself how exhausted I am, the more exhausted I become.  If I tell myself I have a disease of some sort, I may never get that disease, but I will imagine the symptoms in my mind so much that I believe that is what I have and I tell the doctors my symptoms, because I have looked it up and know that is what I am feeling.  Our minds massage our thoughts and can make us well, can make us sick, can make us angry, and can make us love.  Which do we choose on a daily basis?

Thinking about sickness somewhat because well, I'll just share a couple thoughts.  These thoughts are always in the back of my mind and my heart aches because there is nothing I can do - but pray.  And prayer should be our first resort, not our last one.  My siblings all have medical issues.  I don't know why, but by the grace of God, that I have escaped the things they suffer with.  My brothers suffer with heart issues and diabetes.  That alone takes from their lives.  My younger brother called me on Sunday with the news he had cancer.  I gasped when he first said the word.  I listened to what he had to say, but I was in a store so did not write anything down and ask many questions.  I was heart-broken and trying to understand what he was saying.  

Yesterday I called him and explained I had been in a store Sunday and I wanted to hear more.  With having a day in between, he had been in already to see his doctor.  He explained what was found - and I won't go into detail here as I have already shared with those that need to know.  I told him I wanted to have the right information as I would share with my children, who adore this uncle.  He is optimistic and doesn't seem to really care one way or another.  Because of finding the cancer in his lung, albeit small, he no longer is eligible to get his knee surgery.  And that makes him a bit angry, I think.  Of course the cancer hasn't stopped his smoking, his COPD is as bad as ever (they want to put him on full time oxygen but he refuses; only uses it at night).... and he thinks he is living life.  And he refuses to change anything in his life.  I pray, other than for his healing, but for his salvation.  Not as a last ditch effort to get in to heaven, but that he will fall in love with Jesus.  He still wants to smoke and drink?  I don't care.  Believe in Jesus. Accept Jesus as Lord.  Talk with Jesus, and tell Him what is going on in your mind, in your heart.  It isn't that hard.  

My younger sister has numerous medical issues.  Are they all real?  I don't know.  But sometimes I feel she is angry with me because I am (mostly) healthy.  I have my own medical issues, yes, but they are minor compared to others in my family.  By God's grace for me, He helps me choose better in food and drink, and yes, many times I still do what my wants are, but I always go back to healthier eating.  I drink diet coke occasionally (like with pizza most times!) but as a rule drink more water.  I try to eliminate a lot of sugar.  Ok so I have the occasional chocolate candy bar (Almond Joy, Snickers, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth... who can resist those?).  Sigh.  My daughter has a drawer full of chocolate candies in her refrigerator and I know where it is.  So I allow myself at least one chocolate bar when I go over on Tuesday evenings - if I choose to.  Then I beat myself up, but it is my choice to eat it. And it isn't the chocolate I go after so much anymore - it is the sugar.  Sugar is an addiction in itself.  You would be amazed how much weight one can lose and how much better they would feel if they would start limiting their sugar intake.  Ok - I've gotten off topic.

My reading today was about anger, and what is the root of it in our lives.  I grabbed my journal and began to write things I believe emerges when I get angry at someone, and what the root could possibly be.   And, my thoughts went to not only my own anger, but other people's anger directed at me, and at others.  Unforgiveness is an very ugly thing, and it will keep you out of heaven.  One reason why I continually tell myself "I forgive xxxxxxxxx" (no, don't count the x's to determine whose name should be there) and I still may get angry with them for their behavior, but I must forgive them.   I feel anger that my mother did not protect me from my stepfather.  I feel anger at my stepfather for stealing my childhood away from me, for I have blocked it out in most cases.  I remember very little.      

And I realize a lot that in my anger, I am also hurt.  Hurt that my childhood was stolen by those who should have been protecting me.  Hurt that one of my children were verbally attacked in public without remorse.  Hurt that I cannot have the relationship with my children and grandchildren that I have longed for all my life.  Hurt that I have to let go of things and not hold on to them.  Hurt that jealousy of others will attack and tear me down and call me names - some to my face, others in the safe distance in their homes.

I have gotten angry at God sometimes because He allowed my father to die when I was so young, because I often think my life would have been so much better.  My choices would have been different if I ...... well, we can not change the past, can we.  But I can choose to rise above my anger, my hurt; I can rise above what others have said about me - because I know that when I hold it in, I am like a teapot getting ready to blow off steam.  Running to God with my hurts, my tears, my anger.... oh yeah, I'm angry my siblings have medical issues.  Yet, I know our lives - each one of us - is in His hands and He gives us every opportunity to turn to Him.  Even in our weaknesses... He is strong on our behalf.

I think my mind is all over the place this morning.  Going from my little brother, to siblings, to chocolate, to anger, to hurt... am I a mess this morning?  I praise God He has helped me to remain healthy and I'm getting stronger as I continue to work out.    I want to be so full of Jesus that (as you have heard before) if a mosquito bites me, it goes off singing 'there is power in the blood'!  No matter what my future holds, Jesus holds my future.  

Ephesians 6:12 (NKJV):  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood.....against the rulers of the darkness of this age.... those words are true.  We don't fight against the things that come against us, we are fighting the devil who is after our souls.  The devil wants to take us away from Jesus.  The devil will throw diseases at us so that we will curse God and choose to follow the devil.  The devil will do all he can to knock us down, to take away those who we love, to remove from us the things that bring us joy, the devil will cause irritations and conflicts and anger and hatred.... because he is embodied in hatred.  Lucifer, who was created by God - made beautiful by God - became proud of himself for being so beautiful - and wanted to become greater than God, the One who had created him... and Lucifer was cast out of heaven.  

There is none greater than God.  God our Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit are the Three in One, the Trinity of our life.  I choose to follow the One who is the greatest of all.  He alone deserves all our praise, all our prayers, all our worship.  Tell God what is going on in your heart and mind this morning.  Spend a few minutes and talk with Him.  There is no one better to sit and listen; He has all the time in the world for you.

Blessings!