Monday morning.... and an addendum 30 minutes later

 and my stress level is already arising.  Sigh. I really do not like it when hubby brings in the coffee and then proceeds to TELL me what WE are going to do.  It makes me angry, but because I am afraid of HIS anger, and do not want a fight (especially first thing on a Monday morning!) so I said nothing.  He said his spiel and then walked out of the room.  And left me seething.  What is it over?  Doesn't matter.  And I get it. He is still fighting for control, and he knows he is losing control.  We all do it.  When we feel things slipping through our hands, we grab on more tightly, right?  I get it.  I'm just angry I am in the middle of it. So this morning my prayers were for God to protect, guide, grant me wisdom, show me when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut.

You can't tell me God doesn't work miracles.  This situation hubby 'started' this morning, just ended.  He opens my door and says, "Change of plans.  You can drive this morning.  Does that make you feel better?"  To which I responded, "You will lower my blood pressure."  And you know what?  I never said a word to him.  I let him speak this morning and he left.  I gave it to God, and HE took care of (part of) the issue.  Thank You, Jesus!

Yesterday was a good day.  I spent the morning in here, then we went to church at noon.  Wanting to see the grandson before he was taken to the recruiter's office, we hurried over there. The DIL was busy in the kitchen making things.  I commented that we didn't come over to eat, just to see this grandson before he left. She explained it was for her son's birthday party - which I thought was at 4p, but was at 2p.  We ended up staying, rather than driving home, changing clothes, and driving back, which was the original plan.  I somehow got the times messed up with last week's birthday party, I guess.  Anyway, we stayed.  After awhile I was getting pretty tired as I was still in my Sunday clothes, and you know I dress up.  The heels had come off when I walked in the door. I was longing for my jeans!  So after the gifts were open, we headed home and I quickly changed into more comfortable clothes. 

I headed to Safeway for groceries.  I picked up something I think my oldest son will like.... and I had to sneak one to try it.  If I tell it, does that mean I'm sneaking it?  He will have to wait until Friday to get it.  If there is any left. But he will probably get some - if he hasn't already - if he knows they are 'out'.  Now I know I have his curiosity up!  But if I say more, I know he will figure it out.  I really didn't buy much food at the grocery.... I was hungering for something sweet, which is unusual, for I do have chocolate here at home.  But I bought some things I don't normally buy.  I had to hide them from hubby. Not to keep him out of them, which is probably still true, but because I don't want his condemnation for buying them. And I'll leave that there.

Today hubby has an oncologist appointment at 9a.  Well, it is with the assistant.  I don't want to go. In fact, I hadn't even written it on my calendar, thinking I would not need to go. BUT, they are pushing for him to take 4 small pills daily in addition to the shots he gets once a month - all because his PSA went us about a point. I think I shared this before.  Dr. Mark told him to think quality versus quantity... and hubby has decided to NOT take the pills.  He is to talk with Ashley, the assistant, this morning. It will be interesting if she talks him into it.  I've told him, it's his body, he has to make the call. I refuse to.  He is 89 years old, he will not die of prostrate cancer.  Even Dr. Mark told him that.  I'm glad he is taking a stand, but will he remain firm or give in after talking with Ashley - I don't know.  Of course then we would need to deal with the oncologist when he sees him again.  

Psalm 116:1-2 (ESV):  I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.

If I do nothing else for as long as I live, I will call on the Lord.  Some people may think they 'know' me, but no one knows me like Jesus does.  LOL The old spiritual song sung years ago 'Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.  Nobody knows but Jesus.' just popped into my mind.  Do you remember that one?  It's true, though, even now.  I've shared way too much in here, some days more than I should.... but no one really knows my heart like Jesus does.  He sees every pain, He knows of every tear that does not fall, and He sees those tears that do fall. God collects each tear in a bottle.  Some days I just want to fall on my face and just sob.  I don't want to be comforted, I just want to let all the tears fall without someone trying to get me to stop.

I think I've shared before how I fight tears, even at funerals.  Not because I am embarrassed at my tears, but because I don't want to be sheltered/comforted, if you know what I mean.  There are times I cannot stop the tears, only because it is my loss.  I think the first funeral I have ever gone to that I didn't even 'water up', was my step-father's funeral. And I'll leave that there.  I've guarded my tears over the years. Sadly, I feel no tears when I think of some.  My grief is personal, and my comfort can only come from those who I know truly love me. Just as I am.  And I must leave this here.  

I must be mentally and physically tired... I'm wanting to crawl into a corner and go back to sleep. I want to pull a blanket over my head and hide from life.  Have you ever had those days?   I think of the saying "Angry people are hurting people" and it is a true statement.  I am hurt; and I am angry. But it is of my own doing.  There is another saying, "You make your bed, you lie in it".  Some of you may remember that one.  And one dies a little each day.

My phone just told me my oldest son must be heading for his colonoscopy this morning.  I've already prayed for him, that all 'comes out' ok. Pun intended.  Praying for answers this week as well.

And with that, I'm getting off here. Almost time to start work, and I still need to get ready for hubby's doctor's appointment. I don't want to go. I wish Dr. Mark hadn't been so insistent on me going because hubby can't remember his instructions.  So I have to go and take notes on each doctor's appointment. I'm more of a caregiver and cook at this time of my life. What is God teaching me through all this?  I wish I could learn it.  Is it compassion?  I don't have much at times of that. Maybe I need to have more compassion.... but Lord, it's hard to have compassion in this situation.  Help me, Jesus!

I pray that you have an amazing day!  I think we may be going to dinner with friends tonight.... not sure yet.  Guess I need to check.  Keep looking up; your answers that you seek are on the way.

Blessings!

It was a good surprise....

 Yesterday was a good day.  I cooked breakfast for hubby and I = eggs, bacon, toast, and waffles.  After we ate, I called Ms. Diane and she was awake but hadn't gotten up yet.  I told her I'd bring her breakfast if she'd get up - so she said give her half an hour.    Then I jumped on the work computer to get the boss' meeting scheduled for Monday morning (check, done), and approved some timecards (check, done). Then I fixed breakfast for Ms. Diane and took over to her.  She was thrilled to get it and I sat down with her as she ate - and she ate it all!  Well, except for the crust of the toast.  What is it that people will tear off that crust? I love that part - that's the best!    And then I wrote down everything I brought over for her (same as ours) and signed it and told her to give it to her daughter to prove she had eaten.  They are always telling her she hadn't eaten.  And many times I'm sure she hasn't - she just doesn't want to get up and fix it.

My oldest son contacted me that he and his wife were out doing some shopping not far from us and asked to stop by.  Of course!  It was a good visit and hubby and I enjoyed talking to them both and catching up some.  Then the youngest and his wife stopped by briefly to pick up a birthday gift for a great-grandson they are going up to see today.  I can't imagine the size of this baby who is just turning one.... and being told he is in a size 2 already.... BUT... the outfit I had bought was a size 12 months....  if it doesn't fit - well, it is what it is.  Hoping the 'size 2' is a 'grow in to' size and not current.  The dad is tall... but extremely thin. Maybe it is height? Oh well.

With cooking breakfast, I didn't fix lunch.  After the youngest son left, I laid back and took a half hour nap! (so did hubby).  It actually felt good when I woke up.  I must have needed it.  Cooking breakfast must have worn me out!  Hah!   After my nap, and hubby asking if I wanted to watch a movie (NO).... I asked if he still wanted to go to the gym..... and so we did.  I walked the treadmill for about 45 minutes while hubby did a legs workout and then rode the bike - he said 4 miles).   I did get my steps in yesterday - ended up with over 10,000 for the day - which is what I was striving for.  And today is a new day and the 2nd day of the challenge.  Got to do it again.  Probably will be staying home to do it though.  

We kind of 'blew' our workout somewhat... I was so hungry and I was thinking El Pollo Loco (grilled chicken)... but Popeye's (fried chicken) is 'right there'by the gym.... so I gave hubby the option.  Drive 4 miles or drive 1000 feet.  We ended up at Popeye's and that was dinner.  I was so hungry I ate two legs and two wings!  And it was so good.  Coleslaw not so much.  I lasted until about 8PM when I had a piece of string cheese and cracker.  

Today is Sunday and we'll be heading to church in a bit.  Hubby has had his shower and within the hour I will be in the shower myself.  I could go take it now.. but have I ever told you how much I love being off by myself and alone in the room?   Most days I don't want to leave... this is one of them.  So I have time.

I think I mentioned some time ago that one of my prayers involve my saying to God, "Break my heart for what breaks yours."  What does that mean?  For me, it means 'to open myeyes that I can see with compassion those who are hurting and do what I can to help others in their time of need."  These things do break God's heart.  When He sees His children suffering needlessly, yes, He can put a stop to it, but sometimes He wants US to do something about it.  So I often ask Him to break my heart for what breaks His.  And I read this today in my devotional....

"Ask the Lord to break your heart for what breaks His, and then ask Him to stir in you a sense of active compassion that makes you too uncomfortable to sit by and do nothing."

And then my mind takes over and the song keeps playing over and over in my mind....  I'll write out just one verse of it....  "Hosanna"///

"... Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You love me.  Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause, as I walk from earth into eternity..."

Interesting... as I looked up the lyrics to the song, I saw a blog with the topic... http://handmadebymrsh.blogspot.com/2011/12/break-my-heart-for-what-breaks-yours.html

I found her article interesting and she went into detail about the 'break my heart for what breaks yours' lyric.  Right on target.  You get a physical ache in your heart, when your heart hurts for someone else. And that's a good thing.

Kind of like what I feel for Ms. Diane, I think.  It hurts me to know her son treats her this way.  So I do what I can... and that is love her and treat her with compassion.  With love.  Compassion.  We all have it; some of you have buried it because you don't want to feel anything.... but it's there.  When someone close to you is hurting (a spouse; a child)... your heart hurts for them because you know they are hurting.  Been there, done that, many times before I ever prayed that prayer.  Now I pray that I see when people are hurting and just need a hug.  

So with that.... I'm going to throw out the challenge for you to follow your heart.  When you see or hear of someone hurting....  give that hug, pick up that phone and give them a call, if you have what they need, give to them.  Sometimes we just need to know we aren't alone.  

Blessings!