Monday morning.... and an addendum 30 minutes later

 and my stress level is already arising.  Sigh. I really do not like it when hubby brings in the coffee and then proceeds to TELL me what WE are going to do.  It makes me angry, but because I am afraid of HIS anger, and do not want a fight (especially first thing on a Monday morning!) so I said nothing.  He said his spiel and then walked out of the room.  And left me seething.  What is it over?  Doesn't matter.  And I get it. He is still fighting for control, and he knows he is losing control.  We all do it.  When we feel things slipping through our hands, we grab on more tightly, right?  I get it.  I'm just angry I am in the middle of it. So this morning my prayers were for God to protect, guide, grant me wisdom, show me when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut.

You can't tell me God doesn't work miracles.  This situation hubby 'started' this morning, just ended.  He opens my door and says, "Change of plans.  You can drive this morning.  Does that make you feel better?"  To which I responded, "You will lower my blood pressure."  And you know what?  I never said a word to him.  I let him speak this morning and he left.  I gave it to God, and HE took care of (part of) the issue.  Thank You, Jesus!

Yesterday was a good day.  I spent the morning in here, then we went to church at noon.  Wanting to see the grandson before he was taken to the recruiter's office, we hurried over there. The DIL was busy in the kitchen making things.  I commented that we didn't come over to eat, just to see this grandson before he left. She explained it was for her son's birthday party - which I thought was at 4p, but was at 2p.  We ended up staying, rather than driving home, changing clothes, and driving back, which was the original plan.  I somehow got the times messed up with last week's birthday party, I guess.  Anyway, we stayed.  After awhile I was getting pretty tired as I was still in my Sunday clothes, and you know I dress up.  The heels had come off when I walked in the door. I was longing for my jeans!  So after the gifts were open, we headed home and I quickly changed into more comfortable clothes. 

I headed to Safeway for groceries.  I picked up something I think my oldest son will like.... and I had to sneak one to try it.  If I tell it, does that mean I'm sneaking it?  He will have to wait until Friday to get it.  If there is any left. But he will probably get some - if he hasn't already - if he knows they are 'out'.  Now I know I have his curiosity up!  But if I say more, I know he will figure it out.  I really didn't buy much food at the grocery.... I was hungering for something sweet, which is unusual, for I do have chocolate here at home.  But I bought some things I don't normally buy.  I had to hide them from hubby. Not to keep him out of them, which is probably still true, but because I don't want his condemnation for buying them. And I'll leave that there.

Today hubby has an oncologist appointment at 9a.  Well, it is with the assistant.  I don't want to go. In fact, I hadn't even written it on my calendar, thinking I would not need to go. BUT, they are pushing for him to take 4 small pills daily in addition to the shots he gets once a month - all because his PSA went us about a point. I think I shared this before.  Dr. Mark told him to think quality versus quantity... and hubby has decided to NOT take the pills.  He is to talk with Ashley, the assistant, this morning. It will be interesting if she talks him into it.  I've told him, it's his body, he has to make the call. I refuse to.  He is 89 years old, he will not die of prostrate cancer.  Even Dr. Mark told him that.  I'm glad he is taking a stand, but will he remain firm or give in after talking with Ashley - I don't know.  Of course then we would need to deal with the oncologist when he sees him again.  

Psalm 116:1-2 (ESV):  I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.

If I do nothing else for as long as I live, I will call on the Lord.  Some people may think they 'know' me, but no one knows me like Jesus does.  LOL The old spiritual song sung years ago 'Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.  Nobody knows but Jesus.' just popped into my mind.  Do you remember that one?  It's true, though, even now.  I've shared way too much in here, some days more than I should.... but no one really knows my heart like Jesus does.  He sees every pain, He knows of every tear that does not fall, and He sees those tears that do fall. God collects each tear in a bottle.  Some days I just want to fall on my face and just sob.  I don't want to be comforted, I just want to let all the tears fall without someone trying to get me to stop.

I think I've shared before how I fight tears, even at funerals.  Not because I am embarrassed at my tears, but because I don't want to be sheltered/comforted, if you know what I mean.  There are times I cannot stop the tears, only because it is my loss.  I think the first funeral I have ever gone to that I didn't even 'water up', was my step-father's funeral. And I'll leave that there.  I've guarded my tears over the years. Sadly, I feel no tears when I think of some.  My grief is personal, and my comfort can only come from those who I know truly love me. Just as I am.  And I must leave this here.  

I must be mentally and physically tired... I'm wanting to crawl into a corner and go back to sleep. I want to pull a blanket over my head and hide from life.  Have you ever had those days?   I think of the saying "Angry people are hurting people" and it is a true statement.  I am hurt; and I am angry. But it is of my own doing.  There is another saying, "You make your bed, you lie in it".  Some of you may remember that one.  And one dies a little each day.

My phone just told me my oldest son must be heading for his colonoscopy this morning.  I've already prayed for him, that all 'comes out' ok. Pun intended.  Praying for answers this week as well.

And with that, I'm getting off here. Almost time to start work, and I still need to get ready for hubby's doctor's appointment. I don't want to go. I wish Dr. Mark hadn't been so insistent on me going because hubby can't remember his instructions.  So I have to go and take notes on each doctor's appointment. I'm more of a caregiver and cook at this time of my life. What is God teaching me through all this?  I wish I could learn it.  Is it compassion?  I don't have much at times of that. Maybe I need to have more compassion.... but Lord, it's hard to have compassion in this situation.  Help me, Jesus!

I pray that you have an amazing day!  I think we may be going to dinner with friends tonight.... not sure yet.  Guess I need to check.  Keep looking up; your answers that you seek are on the way.

Blessings!

Back to work Tuesday

 Yes, I am back to work today.  I imagine I have a lot to catch up on from yesterday, although I did clear some of the messages last night, there were some I had things to do when I look at them this morning.  I am glad I took yesterday off.  I had my time with Morgan in the morning (legs) and then home to quickly get ready for the Celebration of Life for a friend.  Wow. What a celebration it was.  And yes, I think I had tears falling throughout the entire Celebration.  It was all very moving.  Military funerals or celebrations do that to me, anyway. It was held at the American Legion and since our friend was a 'Rider', many attendees were Riders showing their respect.  It was beautiful and moving.  When we stood outside in a circle as they brought out the wooden box of ashes to place on the back of a motorcycle to take to its final resting place, along with the folded flag, they played Lee Greenwood's song "God Bless the USA" and as we were holding hands, the tears flowed freely down my face without my being able to stop them. I love that song and it always brings tears, as does our national anthem.  It was a beautiful service both at the American Legion and at the National Veteran's Cemetery.   We opted out of the reception after and the SIL and daughter took us back to their house where we got into my car and headed homeward.  

Found out earlier that morning that my oldest son was still in the hospital so after changing and getting comfortable, I stopped to get him a sandwich and a sweet tea and headed over to visit.  He had me in 'stitches' at times with his tales. The 'monotone sound' was the most funny!  I had a very good visit with him and it was nice for it to be 'just us'.  I'm sure he 'enjoyed' having company, even if it was his mama.  Turns out they were making him stay yet another night, making him very unhappy, but unable to do anything about it.  The irritating part was that they couldn't tell him 'why' he was having to stay another night.  Surely he will be discharged today.  7 more days before he can see the specialist.  I am still praying for miracles and what is wrong will resolve itself.  I can't imagine the discomfort and pain that he goes through - probably constantly - while these issues are going on.

By evening I was yawning and trying to stay awake. I meant to start baking cookies or bread when I got home from the hospital, but I did not. Since we ate at Whataburger on the way home from the service, I did not cook dinner, but did heat up some leftover meatballs around 7PM.  I don't know if hubby ate anything else or not; he probably expected me to either bring something home or come home and cook - and I did not.  And, I did not bake anything, but decided to just sit down and work on the last blanket I'm going to work on as a gift.  Almost done with it now and will hopefully finish by this weekend. Then I can focus on baking.  

I meant to go visit Ms. Diane or Ms. Vicky while I was off yesterday as well, and that didn't happen either. I feel guilty, but will get there sometime this week.  Not sure if I will meet up with the daughter tonight or not. Hubby and I have not talked about the car situation.  I don't know at this point if he will insist on driving, but I will mention an alternative plan - such as my taking him.  I know it is going to be hard for him to start, and I may let some time slide - perhaps to the end of the year - but I've already talked to him about all the additional walking he will have to do while shopping - if he drives he more than likely will have to park some distance from the doors  - and he often states he can not walk very far. I may need to drop him off and go back to pick him up - which is just fine with me.  Walmart isn't that far from us and I can easily do it during the day.

I have more packages coming in today and that will finish up a couple people. I need to dig gifts out from under the tree and check them off my list again - I know I have missed writing some down.  I want within families to have a general amount of gifts; but I focus on my children.  But some of them are so dang hard to buy for!  NONE of them 'need' anything - and I'm often afraid that what I do give them, they don't even want.  At least for one son if I stick to beef jerky and other snacks, he is happy. ;-)  One thing for sure is that I've got to get control of this room! 

Revelation 15:3-4 (NKJV):  They sing the song of Moses, the servant of God, and the song of the Lamb, saying: "Great and marvelous are Your works, Lord God Almighty! Just and true are Your ways, O King of the saints! Who shall not fear You, O Lord, and glorify Your name?  For You alone are holy. For all nations shall come and worship before You, for Your judgments have been manifested."

Have you ever read the book of Revelation, you know, the last book of the Bible?  You ought to.  It's how the world will end.  And it isn't a bed of roses for those who turn from God and do not repent.  I read chapters 15 and 16 today as our Bible study tomorrow night will be discussing it.  I do not want to be here when the plagues are released by the angels.  And neither would you.  Think of painful boils over all your body. That's just one of them.  Water turning to blood. Nothing to drink.  For those who take the mark of the beast, God will have His wrath upon them.  

We need to stop playing on the sidelines and pretending - and completely surrender to the Lord of all, Jesus Christ.  It isn't 'religion'; it's a relationship with the One who not only created you, but died for you, and wants you to live with Him.  How hard can that be?  Oh trust me, I stumble more times than I care to admit, but I run back to Jesus and ask His forgiveness and His help.  You can't rely on a confession you did years ago if you aren't living for Him.  This is serious business.  God will not look upon the casual believer.  He will not glance your way if you are a pretender.

We are being called to stand up and carry the cross of Jesus.  It is accepting Him as Lord, and worshipping only Him.  Not material things. Not our health. Not people. Not even family.  Only One deserves our worship, honor, and praise - and that is Jesus Christ.  He alone is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  Worship Him only.

Reflect on your life right now. You may think you are not a 'bad person'; you do good for others (when you want to).  You think you are 'blessed' when things go your way.  But perhaps, God is just giving you another chance; not a blessing.  Or perhaps an opportunity is given you to be a blessing to others.  something we all need to reflect on and think about.  What are we doing with what God has given to us?  

Reminds me of a question in the movie Facing the Giants.  "If you never get what you want most, would you still love and serve God?"  (my interpretation).  If I don't get my way, will I walk away from God?  Will I choose to blame God for my circumstances in life, or will I continue to love and serve Him because He sees the big picture, and He is a big God?  

Who created you?  Who gave you breath?  Who provides for you?  No, it isn't yourself or your spouse or the government.  GOD is the One who provides for you.  He gives you the ability to receive what He has for you.  What are you going to do with it?  Angry with God over not getting your own way? Not getting what you want?  Ask Him to forgive you for your anger, and help you to see His hand in every situation.  

I could be angry with God because my life has not turned out like I believed it would.  But I know that only in and through Him can I truly live, regardless of my circumstances, regardless of what is in my life.  I have made wrong choices; I have made good choices.  But the best choice I have ever made is running back to Jesus, seeking His forgiveness, and choosing to live for Him.  No matter what comes from my circumstances does not define me any longer.  I belong to Jesus and it is on His Rock that I stand.

Don't hold grudges against God - you will always lose.  Turn to Jesus and trust in Him. No.Matter.What. You could be the one who saves your child, your spouse, from going to hell.  Are you going to let them 'go to hell' or will you show them the way to Jesus and heaven?  Your choice.

Blessings!

I almost 'lost' it...

 Yesterday was another overwhelming day at work - well, up until about the last half hour or so and things calmed down, but when it's that close to ending the workday, I don't want to start anything knew, just review what needs to be completed.  After work I decided to go to the grocery store.  Now mind you, I haven't really bought groceries is some time.  Seriously.  Not even online.  I have been getting home chef and have been using things from the freezer and of course lots of fruit and veggies from the everybody fruit warehouse.  So much fruit and stuff I have started throwing some things away as they are spoiling, but there isn't enough to give away.  Anyway.... I haven't bought fruit for a couple weeks now so that has helped.  I haven't really bought groceries - oh yeah, I did go to Safeway last Sunday and picked up a few things.  I think.  Anyway, I went last night to Fry's.  I knew I was going to 'walk the aisles', so hubby didn't want to go.  Probably a good thing.

As I walked the store I had this extreme exhaustion and heaviness hit me hard.  So much so that by aisle 3 I had tears starting to fall.  I withdrew into myself and tried to sort out what is going on.  I felt so down, so depressed, so tired.  And yes, I did just have a full, overwhelming, day at work, but this was different.  I mean, I have felt many times that I wanted to just curl up in a corner and bury my head and cry... I've been there, but usually it doesn't happen in a grocery store (and no, I don't go sit in the corner, although I want to at times).  I continued to walk through the store, picking up things here and there.  Looked at cakes and cookies and cheez-its (my fav) and left them alone.  I actually picked up some meat last night; a couple roasts, some ribs, lunchmeat.  Interestingly I noticed some things too - or perhaps I just couldn't find it.  I could not find my stewed tomatoes.  What's up with that?  I looked at all the tomatoes, diced, roasted, whole, paste, puree, sauce, etc... but no stewed.  Did I miss them?  I also was unable to find ....I forget what it was now, but I couldn't find it.  The mind is the first thing to go, right?   I did buy enough groceries that it came up to over $200.  Don't ask me how I managed to do that, but on the way home I was thinking of things I didn't have to buy but did, and how much that was.  Oh well I walked out of the store with it so it's ours now.  And no, I didn't buy chocolate, nor cookies, nor cakes, nor ice cream (and I did look for Tin Roof - hubby's fav, but couldn't find it either).  I think I spent almost two hours just walking up and down the aisle.  Still, I probably saved by not going to Sam's club, right?  I even bought boxed pizza - Kroger brand, mind you (and it wasn't bad) - to have for dinner.  I just didn't want to think about cooking.

Hubby startled me this morning - I'm sitting here (probably half asleep) and I hear something hitting the house.  I jumped up and opened the shutters enough to see that he is out watering the plants.  I do need to get artificial plants for the pots on the posts - they just die way too quickly.  The real plants, not the pots.   I guess he is getting a few things done - he came in and took a shower and is getting ready to head to the hospital this morning - he has to get a EKG done for this new doctor.  He still hasn't received his right prescription to take for 30 days; I wonder what the hold up is.  His insurance?   Ah - he just walked in here to get his clothes.  And he sees me typing.  Uh oh.

All four of those I support are in an all day meeting today so I hope to finish up the termination contracts I've been working on.  Legal asked me yesterday about how many I had left to complete.  I have about 20, and once I get through all the emails that came in after I shut the computer off, I will start on them and hopefully get them all completed today.  I am so over getting them done and out of my way.  

Matthew 16:25 (NKJV):  For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, will find it.

In this one verse, Jesus gives perhaps the clearest presentation of discipleship found in the Bible.  It's cost is exceeded only by its reward.  When we give up our desires and wants and our own head-strong ideas, and follow Jesus and walk in His steps, we save our life.  If we choose the world and all the glitter and glamour it offers, we lose our life.

This thought occurred to me.  Could it be used as an example?  And of course I use food, because I love food (and it loves me so much it sticks to me like a glove).   If we eat everything we want, chocolate, cakes, ice cream, lots of breads and carbs, lots of meats dipped in sauces, lots of - whatever (I'm getting hungry!!) - most of us will get fat(ter).  So fat, in fact, that it will mess with our health.  It changes us.  Food becomes an obsession.  We find we 'have to have it' because we crave it.  We lose our health, and eventually we lose our life.

BUT.  When we moderate our food intake - regardless of what it is (yes, even chocolate, ice cream, etc.) and eat it sparingly, and watch how much of the saucy gravy carby things we eat, and perhaps get our body to move a little more, we gain our health and live a longer life.  Yes, we eventually die, but we live longer and healthy and able to do things.

It's like following Jesus.  When we don't follow Jesus but do things our way, when we die, we go to hell.  But when we follow Jesus, and deny ourselves the things of the world that are not of Him, when we die, we will have eternal life with Him in heaven.

It's a choice.  What choice will you make?  Is the pull of the world so strong that you refuse to let it go? Have we all become addicted to the world and the things that we crave that we will chose death over life?  Perhaps that is something to think about.

Jesus says we are to deny ourselves, take up the cross, and follow Him.  Are you willing to do that today?  It's a choice we all must make daily.  Deny ourselves, take up His cross, and follow Him.

Blessings!

Yesterday started out good with my coffee....

 but I was pretty much a mess by last night.  Let me explain.  My work day went well, but it wasn't long in the day when I remembered what the day was... what memory it brought back to mind.  I became overwhelmingly broken.  My tears kept coming unbidden, and I'm not sure why.  It's been 36 years since Amy, Kara, and Little Buddy were burned in the home fire.  Why was it breaking my heart yesterday?  Is it still part of the 'break my heart, Lord, for what breaks yours' request I asked last week?  I'm sure God was brokenhearted at the death of the three children, although He could have prevented it - and did not.  Why?  I have no idea.  I only know it really messed some of us up.  I haven't been affected like this in years and don't understand the why of it now.  What is God preparing me for?

My comfort is knowing that these three small children are in heaven with Jesus.  Perhaps they were 'saved' from something much worse.  Maybe their death was for us.  I know my little brother never got over the loss of his children.  Years later he would sit at a fast food restaurant with his children's photos laying out on the table, sobbing greatly over his loss.  I remember being told one time his blood pressure shot up so high from his anguish that an ambulance was called and he was taken to the hospital.  I cannot imagine the loss of one of my children, my grandchildren, or even now my little great-grandchildren.  I don't even want to think about that - and I continuously ask God to watch over and protect them.

Perhaps it was missing my siblings who have already passed away.  I miss my big brother a lot.  I miss my big sister and I miss my little brother.  Yesterday my little sister and I even chatted about our loss of siblings and I found it interesting that she claimed she would be the last one of us left.  Because she is the youngest I guess.  But none of us know who will be the 'last one standing'.  

Perhaps that is what started the tears yesterday.  We went to Bible study last night and at one point, for some unknown reason, I ended up sharing about my little brother and the loss of his children.  I guess it is because of the grief I carried in my heart over the loss of those I love.  My anguish.  I don't know.  I didn't mean to share.  Hubby said he was surprised I did.  But I felt so overwhelmed at the loss.  When we went to bed last night, I found myself crying myself to sleep.  What is going on with me?  Why were the tears falling into my pillow?  

I have no answers to what I was going through last night.  Is God preparing me for something?  I don't know.  I've already spent time with Him this morning, asking Him questions and seeking His face.  I plan to take some time later today to just sit with Jesus and let Him minister to my heart.  Hubby said he wasn't going to the Bible study this morning, because he has a doctor's appointment late morning, and then a haircut, and then his study tonight.  He will be gone most of the afternoon.  Although I don't always take a lunch hour, my thought is to take that hour while he is gone, and the house is quiet, to get away from my work computer for 'lunch', and just sit with Jesus.  

I'm sure what I've written is pretty deep for some.  I don't even understand why it was/is affecting me the way it has.  Why did I even share it? It was 36 years ago!  But it felt like yesterday.  The anguish was so great.  Was I to share it because someone needed to hear they can get through loss and grief?  It will be hard, but there is someone who is our Comforter in times like that.

John 14:16 (KJV) "And I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may abide with you forever."

In other translations He is called the Helper, the Advocate, and other definitions.  But it is the Holy Spirit whom was sent to abide in us and to help us in whatever we go through.  Do I believe the Holy Spirit was with me even with my sorrow and tears yesterday?  Yes, I do.  I don't have any answers as to why I was in such anguish of soul.  My faith has not wavered; I know that even when I don't know the why of things that happened, God has it all in the palm of His hand; nothing misses Him.  Nothing catches Him by surprise.  He knew what my yesterday was going to be like even 36 years ago.

And He knows what your days are like.  In spite of our sorrows, in spite of our anguish of soul, Jesus is always there for us.  He never lets us down.  Even when we don't sense His Presence, even when we don't believe He cares for us, that He has forgiven us, that He has set us free ..... even when we don't believe it, He Is.

Remember when Jesus walked on the water and His disciples thought He was a ghost when He walked on the water to them?  They asked who it was... and He responded "It is I."

Mark 6:49-51 (NKJV):  "And when they saw Him walking on the sea, they supposed it was a ghost, and cried out; for they all saw Him and were troubled. But immediately He talked with them and said to them, "Be of good cheer!  It is I; do not be afraid." Then He went up into the boat to them, and the wind ceased. And they were greatly amazed in themselves beyond measure, and marveled."

Jesus still walks on water; He still is with us.  We are not to be afraid, but to trust, in faith, in Whom He is.  Holy Spirit, come.

Blessings!