Monday morning.... and an addendum 30 minutes later

 and my stress level is already arising.  Sigh. I really do not like it when hubby brings in the coffee and then proceeds to TELL me what WE are going to do.  It makes me angry, but because I am afraid of HIS anger, and do not want a fight (especially first thing on a Monday morning!) so I said nothing.  He said his spiel and then walked out of the room.  And left me seething.  What is it over?  Doesn't matter.  And I get it. He is still fighting for control, and he knows he is losing control.  We all do it.  When we feel things slipping through our hands, we grab on more tightly, right?  I get it.  I'm just angry I am in the middle of it. So this morning my prayers were for God to protect, guide, grant me wisdom, show me when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut.

You can't tell me God doesn't work miracles.  This situation hubby 'started' this morning, just ended.  He opens my door and says, "Change of plans.  You can drive this morning.  Does that make you feel better?"  To which I responded, "You will lower my blood pressure."  And you know what?  I never said a word to him.  I let him speak this morning and he left.  I gave it to God, and HE took care of (part of) the issue.  Thank You, Jesus!

Yesterday was a good day.  I spent the morning in here, then we went to church at noon.  Wanting to see the grandson before he was taken to the recruiter's office, we hurried over there. The DIL was busy in the kitchen making things.  I commented that we didn't come over to eat, just to see this grandson before he left. She explained it was for her son's birthday party - which I thought was at 4p, but was at 2p.  We ended up staying, rather than driving home, changing clothes, and driving back, which was the original plan.  I somehow got the times messed up with last week's birthday party, I guess.  Anyway, we stayed.  After awhile I was getting pretty tired as I was still in my Sunday clothes, and you know I dress up.  The heels had come off when I walked in the door. I was longing for my jeans!  So after the gifts were open, we headed home and I quickly changed into more comfortable clothes. 

I headed to Safeway for groceries.  I picked up something I think my oldest son will like.... and I had to sneak one to try it.  If I tell it, does that mean I'm sneaking it?  He will have to wait until Friday to get it.  If there is any left. But he will probably get some - if he hasn't already - if he knows they are 'out'.  Now I know I have his curiosity up!  But if I say more, I know he will figure it out.  I really didn't buy much food at the grocery.... I was hungering for something sweet, which is unusual, for I do have chocolate here at home.  But I bought some things I don't normally buy.  I had to hide them from hubby. Not to keep him out of them, which is probably still true, but because I don't want his condemnation for buying them. And I'll leave that there.

Today hubby has an oncologist appointment at 9a.  Well, it is with the assistant.  I don't want to go. In fact, I hadn't even written it on my calendar, thinking I would not need to go. BUT, they are pushing for him to take 4 small pills daily in addition to the shots he gets once a month - all because his PSA went us about a point. I think I shared this before.  Dr. Mark told him to think quality versus quantity... and hubby has decided to NOT take the pills.  He is to talk with Ashley, the assistant, this morning. It will be interesting if she talks him into it.  I've told him, it's his body, he has to make the call. I refuse to.  He is 89 years old, he will not die of prostrate cancer.  Even Dr. Mark told him that.  I'm glad he is taking a stand, but will he remain firm or give in after talking with Ashley - I don't know.  Of course then we would need to deal with the oncologist when he sees him again.  

Psalm 116:1-2 (ESV):  I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.

If I do nothing else for as long as I live, I will call on the Lord.  Some people may think they 'know' me, but no one knows me like Jesus does.  LOL The old spiritual song sung years ago 'Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.  Nobody knows but Jesus.' just popped into my mind.  Do you remember that one?  It's true, though, even now.  I've shared way too much in here, some days more than I should.... but no one really knows my heart like Jesus does.  He sees every pain, He knows of every tear that does not fall, and He sees those tears that do fall. God collects each tear in a bottle.  Some days I just want to fall on my face and just sob.  I don't want to be comforted, I just want to let all the tears fall without someone trying to get me to stop.

I think I've shared before how I fight tears, even at funerals.  Not because I am embarrassed at my tears, but because I don't want to be sheltered/comforted, if you know what I mean.  There are times I cannot stop the tears, only because it is my loss.  I think the first funeral I have ever gone to that I didn't even 'water up', was my step-father's funeral. And I'll leave that there.  I've guarded my tears over the years. Sadly, I feel no tears when I think of some.  My grief is personal, and my comfort can only come from those who I know truly love me. Just as I am.  And I must leave this here.  

I must be mentally and physically tired... I'm wanting to crawl into a corner and go back to sleep. I want to pull a blanket over my head and hide from life.  Have you ever had those days?   I think of the saying "Angry people are hurting people" and it is a true statement.  I am hurt; and I am angry. But it is of my own doing.  There is another saying, "You make your bed, you lie in it".  Some of you may remember that one.  And one dies a little each day.

My phone just told me my oldest son must be heading for his colonoscopy this morning.  I've already prayed for him, that all 'comes out' ok. Pun intended.  Praying for answers this week as well.

And with that, I'm getting off here. Almost time to start work, and I still need to get ready for hubby's doctor's appointment. I don't want to go. I wish Dr. Mark hadn't been so insistent on me going because hubby can't remember his instructions.  So I have to go and take notes on each doctor's appointment. I'm more of a caregiver and cook at this time of my life. What is God teaching me through all this?  I wish I could learn it.  Is it compassion?  I don't have much at times of that. Maybe I need to have more compassion.... but Lord, it's hard to have compassion in this situation.  Help me, Jesus!

I pray that you have an amazing day!  I think we may be going to dinner with friends tonight.... not sure yet.  Guess I need to check.  Keep looking up; your answers that you seek are on the way.

Blessings!

It's been a week!

It has been a rough week.  I woke up a week ago with neck and shoulder/back pain - and have been struggling with it all week.  I went for a deep massage on Monday night - and again on Thursday night.  Although the massage felt good - the pain remains.  Thursday night, though, I was told the 'culprit was found'.  I have what they called a 'stress knot' (or something like that) buried under some muscles in my back.  All I know is that it is extremely painful and it has kept me from doing things I enjoy doing.

But it has also given me time to renew my friendship with the massage therapist and help her when business was slow.   It has also given me insight on the stress part - and to reflect on the stress I allow in my life - and what am I doing about it.   A big one - which hopefully will not bring on more stress being without it - is my job.  I have accepted the early retirement offered, and October 28th is my last day at work.    I still have mixed emotions going on about that - I have been with this company nearly 26 years.    I will need to find another job by the first of the year so that I can have medical benefits.  Not old enough to draw medicare nor social security.  I'm not sure what I am to do - but am trusting, and have been praying since I first was offered early retirement, that God will prepare something for me. Where it will be or what it will be I have no clue.  I may be cleaning toilets! And that is ok, if that is what God has prepared for me.  

Another stress in my life may also be dissolved within a short time.   I'm struggling with this one, although I know it could have very well been the thing that took my 'stress knot' over the top and caused so much pain.  As much as I have prayed for healing, been prayed for to be healed of this pain, this issue is still 'there' and the pain has not abated.   It is all in God's hands and I have asked Him to direct my path.   Tom and I both need to be on board together on this one.   I can not walk this journey alone, nor does God want me to.  So - with that, we both are praying and processing.   I can't wait to share with you what God is planning for us as we surrender to Him all our wants and desires.  Use us, O Lord, that You alone will be glorified.

What is causing you stress and what are you doing about it?  Are you fighting all the time?  Are you dealing with localized pain somewhere in your body because of the stress?   Are you praying and asking God to reveal to you what is going on and what you should do?   Are you just holding it all in, thinking things will get better if you just hold on?

Perhaps you need to just surrender.  Let it go.  It's not hard.  Really.  Try this.  Hold your hands up in the air and squeeze your hands into tight fists, really tight.   As you do that, share with God how you have been holding on to these things and you can't do it anymore, you are releasing it to Him.  As you slowly open your hands, feel the tingle go through your hands as you release your issues and praise God that you can let go and give to Him every thing that is bothering you.  He alone is your Healer.  He alone is your Rescue.  He alone is your Nail in a Sure Place.

Do you trust Him?  Saying you trust Him and truly trusting Him are two different things.  Do you trust Him? Think about it!

Blessings!