but I was pretty much a mess by last night. Let me explain. My work day went well, but it wasn't long in the day when I remembered what the day was... what memory it brought back to mind. I became overwhelmingly broken. My tears kept coming unbidden, and I'm not sure why. It's been 36 years since Amy, Kara, and Little Buddy were burned in the home fire. Why was it breaking my heart yesterday? Is it still part of the 'break my heart, Lord, for what breaks yours' request I asked last week? I'm sure God was brokenhearted at the death of the three children, although He could have prevented it - and did not. Why? I have no idea. I only know it really messed some of us up. I haven't been affected like this in years and don't understand the why of it now. What is God preparing me for?
My comfort is knowing that these three small children are in heaven with Jesus. Perhaps they were 'saved' from something much worse. Maybe their death was for us. I know my little brother never got over the loss of his children. Years later he would sit at a fast food restaurant with his children's photos laying out on the table, sobbing greatly over his loss. I remember being told one time his blood pressure shot up so high from his anguish that an ambulance was called and he was taken to the hospital. I cannot imagine the loss of one of my children, my grandchildren, or even now my little great-grandchildren. I don't even want to think about that - and I continuously ask God to watch over and protect them.
Perhaps it was missing my siblings who have already passed away. I miss my big brother a lot. I miss my big sister and I miss my little brother. Yesterday my little sister and I even chatted about our loss of siblings and I found it interesting that she claimed she would be the last one of us left. Because she is the youngest I guess. But none of us know who will be the 'last one standing'.
Perhaps that is what started the tears yesterday. We went to Bible study last night and at one point, for some unknown reason, I ended up sharing about my little brother and the loss of his children. I guess it is because of the grief I carried in my heart over the loss of those I love. My anguish. I don't know. I didn't mean to share. Hubby said he was surprised I did. But I felt so overwhelmed at the loss. When we went to bed last night, I found myself crying myself to sleep. What is going on with me? Why were the tears falling into my pillow?
I have no answers to what I was going through last night. Is God preparing me for something? I don't know. I've already spent time with Him this morning, asking Him questions and seeking His face. I plan to take some time later today to just sit with Jesus and let Him minister to my heart. Hubby said he wasn't going to the Bible study this morning, because he has a doctor's appointment late morning, and then a haircut, and then his study tonight. He will be gone most of the afternoon. Although I don't always take a lunch hour, my thought is to take that hour while he is gone, and the house is quiet, to get away from my work computer for 'lunch', and just sit with Jesus.
I'm sure what I've written is pretty deep for some. I don't even understand why it was/is affecting me the way it has. Why did I even share it? It was 36 years ago! But it felt like yesterday. The anguish was so great. Was I to share it because someone needed to hear they can get through loss and grief? It will be hard, but there is someone who is our Comforter in times like that.
John 14:16 (KJV) "And I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may abide with you forever."
In other translations He is called the Helper, the Advocate, and other definitions. But it is the Holy Spirit whom was sent to abide in us and to help us in whatever we go through. Do I believe the Holy Spirit was with me even with my sorrow and tears yesterday? Yes, I do. I don't have any answers as to why I was in such anguish of soul. My faith has not wavered; I know that even when I don't know the why of things that happened, God has it all in the palm of His hand; nothing misses Him. Nothing catches Him by surprise. He knew what my yesterday was going to be like even 36 years ago.
And He knows what your days are like. In spite of our sorrows, in spite of our anguish of soul, Jesus is always there for us. He never lets us down. Even when we don't sense His Presence, even when we don't believe He cares for us, that He has forgiven us, that He has set us free ..... even when we don't believe it, He Is.
Remember when Jesus walked on the water and His disciples thought He was a ghost when He walked on the water to them? They asked who it was... and He responded "It is I."
Mark 6:49-51 (NKJV): "And when they saw Him walking on the sea, they supposed it was a ghost, and cried out; for they all saw Him and were troubled. But immediately He talked with them and said to them, "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." Then He went up into the boat to them, and the wind ceased. And they were greatly amazed in themselves beyond measure, and marveled."
Jesus still walks on water; He still is with us. We are not to be afraid, but to trust, in faith, in Whom He is. Holy Spirit, come.
Blessings!
