She made me sweat!

 I had HIIT yesterday morning and Morgan didn't even take her clipboard - she made it up as we went along!  That is always dangerous when you have Morgan as a trainer!  Let's see, what did I do?  Oh - yeah, we started with the ropes.  Bend knees, move arms in and out, moving the ropes.  Two sets.  30 seconds each.  Oh, then, let's do 10 jumping jacks. She knows I hate them. I hated jumping jacks in PE in high school.  I still don't like them.  Now let's move on to the 25# ball that you squat, pick up, and roll over one shoulder, then squat, pick up, and roll over the other shoulder.  Then let's move on to the 10# flat ball in which you squat, pick up the ball, raise above your head, and slam it to the ground.  (that has helped when I have been angry at 'someone' and needed to get it out of my system!)  From there let's move on to a 16 lb kettlebell in each hand, and walking the length of the hall and when I get to the end, continuing to hold the kettlebells, squat for 30 seconds, then continue walking back.  And lastly, there is the step.  Holding the 10# ball out in front, step on with both feet, then step off with both feet.  30 seconds.  And then, let's start with the ropes and do it again!!  I was dripping sweat - and I don't sweat!!  My hair was wet!  And Morgan laughed and said she was doing her job.  But she did say that with two sets of all these that my stamina has increased greatly.  I certainly hope something has increased!  It was a good HIIT.

I should have taken a shower when I got home, but did not cause I needed to get on the work computer. Now I have to jump in the shower this morning as today will be a busy day - at least this morning.  I have an orthodontist appointment to get new liners and see how these did the first two weeks of wearing them. I know they gave me a lot of headaches so they have to be moving my teeth. It has kept me from snacking so much.  I can't wear them while drinking anything other than water (which means I take them out every morning to drink my coffee and brush my teeth before putting them back on)  Then out for any meal.  I can't even drink my tea without taking them out. It's a nuisance, but I'm obeying the instructions as best I can.  Drink only water with them in.  Wear 24x7 as much as possible.  Any food or any other drink, take them out.  If I understand correctly, today I should get enough liners for a month or so, changing out every two weeks, then go back for them to check ... I don't know for sure, obviously; I've only worn these liners two weeks. 

Once I get back home, it will be to check messages on the computer then at 10a head out with hubby to Tempe to take him to the dental lab. I'm hoping it will only take a few minutes and they aren't running behind or anything.  I didn't take the day off as I thought I might.  Just didn't want to waste (in my opinion) my day driving him to appointments if I'd only be gone a couple hours.  I rarely eat lunch away from the desk so technically, I have made up my time many times over.  Now I do consider taking the day off to have lunch with my son.... don't think I will, but am considering it, even now.  I need to see if there are other things I need to do and if so, I'll make that decision.  I want to not watch the clock... but it will also depend if I have things for work that need to be done.  I have time to make that decision.  

Did you realize how powerful prayer is?  Sometimes we take prayer for granted and just blurt out a few words and consider it 'done'.  I've been beating myself up for some time now.  For years I would go into my quiet time and fall on my knees and spend hours (yes, literally hours) praying.  Never worried about falling back to sleep.  Over the years, one of the mentors I had shared that she wrote out her prayers and how it was good to look back and see how God has answered those prayers.  I understood that, so I started writing out my prayers, versus getting on my knees.  And I have regretted it ever sine.  Why? Not because God doesn't answer when I write them out, He does still answer my prayers.  BUT.... I feel I have lost the closeness I always felt when on my face before Him.  I'm being honest here, but does that make sense?  

That is one reason I want to teach Discipleship or another class.  I pray the most when I need His help in doing things.  Teaching a class forces me to focus, to seek Jesus's hand, to seek His face.  I am totally dependent upon Jesus to get through a class - or preaching for that matter.  Some books will grab me and I get on my face to talk with Jesus.... but the next day or so, here I am back in my chair, a shawl over my shoulders, a blanket over my legs, cup of coffee on the table, and I'm snuggled in..... comfortable.  Why would I want to get up?

Yes, I know I'm rambling... but continuing on....I have no medical condition that keeps me off my knees.  The only condition I have is laziness.  I know part of my 'issue' is the waiting for hubby to get up and bring in my coffee.  He has insisted on doing that for years and it's easier not to 'argue' with him that I can get my own coffee, if I want it.  But I've noticed in the past year or so... like this morning, as I sat here writing out my prayer for today, (it's usually about that time when he comes in), he comes in and starts talking to me. How did I sleep? He didn't sleep well. Did he keep me awake? He's sorry if he did. I don't really have to respond to him. He will continue to tell me how he tossed and turned, how many times he got up, and what time did we want to leave for.... and then he will walk out. I've lost my train of thought in my prayers.  Even in writing them out.  I've tried doing prayers first, but I'm still sleepy and I do tend to want to keep the eyes closed and go back to sleep.  And have.  So I do my reading first. Then write out my prayers.  Hubby will sometimes get up right after I do, and other times he will sleep in another 30-60 minutes.   Why am I telling you all this?  I don't know.

I guess I need to figure out how I can get on my knees for my prayers and quit writing... and feel like I won't be interrupted.  Oftentimes I think I will wait until after I get the coffee, and hubby leaves the room, then I can truly focus... but if I don't start doing something, I don't have time to write in here, and since I've been writing daily versus years ago I'd do it on occasion... maybe I should just pray about it and ask Jesus what I should do?  

Matthew 6:6 (ESV)  But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

Yes, I come into this room and shut the door.  And I pray, always.  But I'm missing that 'closeness' that I have always felt. Is there sin in my life?  Not that I haven't confessed and repented of.  I don't know... I just want to go back to when I first fell in love with Jesus and devoted all my time to Him.  And back then, I didn't write in this blog. I didn't get on the computer at all.  I read scripture, meditated on it, wrote down what I got out of it as a prayer to God.  Yes, I learned that from Discipleship.

Sometimes it is worth going back to the beginning of your walk so that you can fall in love with Jesus all over again.  Not that I have ever stopped loving Jesus, I haven't.  But I want more of Him.  I don't want to be complacent with where I am with Him.  I want more of Jesus.  I have heard His voice.  I have heard Him speak my name. When you have had that experience, nothing else matters and you want more.  Always more.

Lord Jesus, Your Word says that if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me.  I believe Your Word. Help me find what I am looking for in my heart. Total surrender. Emotions, will, desires.  Everything. I seek after You with all my heart.  I long to hear Your voice.  Speak Lord, for Your servant is listening.

A bit personal, perhaps, but honestly is always the best policy, right?  Are you desiring to hear His voice? Sometimes we just need to sit and be quiet.  This is why I always long for my time without distractions....  I remember that Susanna Wesley (John Wesley wife) - they had numerous children, and every day she would sit in her rocking chair and put her apron over her head (back then, women wore aprons all the time, they needed to!) and the children knew not to disturb her, that was her prayer time. She shut her eyes from distraction (by putting the apron over her face), and focused on God.  Oh that we all would do the same!

I pray that you find the time, the space, the opportunity to just sit with Jesus and tell Him all that you desire.  And then just sit there and listen.  May you hear His voice; it is the best thing ever.  We get so rushed to get on with our day, we forget to listen.  Take time to just sit before Him.  Listen... you just may hear the answer you are seeking.

Blessings!

What is it about 2:15AM time frame?

 Once again I was awakened around 2:15AM and could not go back to sleep.  We went to bed around 8:45PM, which is not unusual.  Is it that my body is now deciding 5-6 hours of sleep is all it needs?  This isn't the first time, and I'm sure I've written about it before.  Personally, I'd rather sleep to 4AM as usual... but, after lying in bed another 30 minutes, I got my body up and brought it in here.  Thought about trying to go back to sleep, but decided to spend it praying for awhile before I get started on my morning readings.  

One of my readings this morning was being 'all in'.  What does that mean?  Am I (or are you) all in - to the death, if necessary - to follow Jesus?  It was interesting that I read about being 'all in' in two different books today, by two different authors.  So yes, it has given me pause.  I know I have mentioned many times that Jesus is my All in All - and He is.  Or should I just be honest enough to say, "I want Him to be my All in All", for you know as well as I do, that I fail many times to do the right things. Not from lack of 'want to', but because I'm human and I choose the wrong thing at times.

I read one story of two young girls who lived in a country that hated Christians.  But they were Christians, and they have driven out of their country to another, to attend a conference by Christian leaders.  After the conference they ran into one of the leaders at a cafe and they shared that the authorities in their country were tracking them down.  They were asked, "Why don't you defect?"  Their response?  "Who would tell our people about Jesus if we did?"  If captured, they would be imprisoned, or killed.  It didn't matter. They wanted to tell the people about Jesus.

Wow. They were willing to put their lives on the line for Jesus.  And many of us are afraid - because of the 'authorities' here in our own 'free' country to even mention His name!  The name of Jesus .... are you afraid to say it in public?  Are you hesitant to pray in public because you are afraid people are watching you and don't want them talking about you, ridiculing you? 

I called out a pastor one time.  Several years ago my daughter went to McDonald's on a Sunday morning to grab breakfast, and she saw this pastor get his order inside McDonald's, sit down and start eating.  He didn't pray.  After she told me about it, I confronted him and told him that it doesn't matter if it was 'just' a McMuffin - he is being watched and when he didn't pause to pray, even over his egg sandwich, it was noticed.  Are we not thankful for even a small morsel of food?

Hubby and I always pray before our meal, whether in a restaurant or fast food place, or at home.  We are thankful that God provides for us.  One time at an Arby's restaurant, of all places, we prayed and started to eat and an older gentleman came up to us and said that he watched us and when we prayed, he realized how easy it is NOT to pray in a public place (because he hadn't).  Fast food is still food, right?  

My friends and co-workers whom I meet for lunch on occasion, they know I will interrupt conversations once our food is delivered and will pray before I will 'allow' them to eat. They never ridicule me.  I have done it enough they don't even start to eat; they wait for me to pray.  It only takes a moment to say, "Lord, thank you for this food. Bless it to our bodies. Bless the hands that prepared it for us. In Jesus' name, Amen."  Does it feel awkward sometimes?  Yes. Depending on whom we are with, hubby and I will sometimes look at each other and just nod, meaning, 'say it to yourself'.  Some people just dive in and don't wait, especially at a long table where you don't know everyone and they don't know you.

Changing the subject, last night we had a nice evening at the daughter's.  We took pictures of those relatives that had passed away and we shared who they were and a story about them. I hadn't thought much about how many of those close to me had passed away already.  My mama and dad, my oldest brother, my older sister, my youngest brother and his three children. (I still choke up when I share about the children.)  I took photos and told our 5 year old granddaughter who they were to her. Oh yeah, I had also found a photo of my dad with his parents - her great-great-great grandparents.  I will scan those photos over to my granddaughter later as she wants to create a generation page to help her daughter know 'from where she came'.  Sounds like they are getting into genealogies.  I'm always happy to share photos and any stories I can remember, which, unfortunately, aren't many.

Genealogy is important.  In fact, Matthew 1:1 starts off with:

Matthew 1:1:  The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the Son of David, the Son of Abraham:

And, of course, Jesus is the Son of God, but to show He was the Son of David, Matthew started his book this way.  Genealogy was important back then.  Remember that the men were called 'son of their father's name' -  for example, Simon, Bar-Jonah.  Bar is 'son of' and Jonah was his father.

Matthew 16:17 (NKJV):  Jesus answered and said to him, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven."

Your father's name identified who you were.  Genealogy is important. It tells you not only from whom you came, but who you are and why perhaps, you are the way you are.  Curses of the past are sometimes carried down the line.  I don't know who put alcoholic curses within my family, but it has come down through my siblings into some of our families.  I have prayed many times for that curse to be broken.  And I will continue to pray, that the curse will be broken in this generation.  There are other 'quirks' I've noticed but at the moment, my mind can't think of them.

I think back to my grandparents, how different they were.  My dad's parents were involved in the church (my dad helped build the first church of God in Tennessee at which he was the pastor).  Big families back then.  My dad had 5 brothers and 3 sisters, I think.  They lived in the city and were 'city folk'.  My grandparents were very poor in money, but rich in love and in love for Jesus.

My mother's family were farmers and store owners.  Mama had 6 sisters and 1 brother.  The sisters (all but one) married and worked farms (but 1, and they had a small store in Pikeville).  Granny lived until 1968 and I loved her dearly, but do not remember her talking much.  My grandfather passed away before I was born.  They had a large farm that one of the daughters and her husband lived there with Granny and took care of her.  Sadly, the farm is gone now, as Aunt Margaret and Uncle George's two boys did not want it and have both passed away, without children. I believe an Amish family bought the farm at the auction.  My grandfather built the house Granny lived in when they got married.  The Amish people now use it as a chicken coop.  Unless they tore it down; I don't remember and haven't been back there in over 40 years.  Special memories there with Granny, though.

Maybe someday, if I ever retire, and remember, I should write down some of those memories of visiting Granny (I have the most memories with her) each year on vacation. Ah, my thoughts are seeing Granny sitting in her rocking chair, reading her Bible.  

And with that, I'm going to jump off here and get started on my day.  Wishing you time to think back over special memories of years gone by.  Some memories are hard to get through, but the good ones last forever.  Treasure them, for they have made you who you are.

Blessings!

I'm longing for more....

 Last night I went to church for prayer meeting alone.  Hubby didn't want to go.  Yeah, I've mentioned how we feel when we have gone with the volume of things, but I still want to go.  The Bishop who spoke on Sunday morning was there and he spoke only about 20 minutes.  But then he asked that those who want more of Jesus, to come forward.  Those who want to go deeper with Jesus.  That is always the longing of my heart, so I went forward with the many others that did.  The Bishop walked around and laid hands on many people; not so much on the side that I was on, plus I was behind a row or two of people.  I left empty..... I wanted him to pray over me... and it didn't happen.  I don't want to go to him and say "pray for me" - which he would do - I want God to tell him to do so.  I long for him to tell me 'God sees you, He sees your tears, and He hasn't forgotten you'.  Am I being too 'demanding' in my request of God?  That He orchestrate it (as I know He can) so that .... sigh.  I am opening myself up here in the inner recesses of my soul.  

I have mentioned many times that I want a deeper and closer walk with God.  And I leave (well, go sit at my desk most days) my prayer time with the resolve to 'do better', to 'be better'.....  I feel so alone.  And I know it is because I am - in a way - 'home alone'.  Yes, hubby is here.  This week he has been here almost 24x7 as he hasn't had any breakfasts or lunches scheduled.  Nor doctor appointments.  He has had his two trainings this week. He is in the shower now and I think he may be meeting someone around 9AM for breakfast this morning; not sure.  Tomorrow will be the Bible study/breakfast.  But lately he has become very clingy of me, needing me in the same room with him, going places with him. 

Anyway.... I long for time to just be with Jesus and 'tell Him all my troubles' (remember the song?).  He knows them anyway.  I just want to sit with Him and let my tears fall. They started to last night, but I kept them inside.  They are wanting to fall again this morning.  And there is really no reason, other than I want more of Jesus.  I NEED Him for life ahead of me.  I'm scared, to be honest.  I'm helpless.  I don't know what to do.

I Peter 5:7 (NKJV):  casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.

That verse just popped into my mind.  Sometimes we think that we don't have to tell God what is going on inside of us, or even in our world.  He knows it already, right?  And if it is bad, why don't He just go ahead and fix it?  Sometimes He does, but He loves it when we bring our trials, our concerns, our cares, to Him and tell Him how we feel.  And then we need to pause and wait for His response.  Which may not come right away, but sometimes, we may feel His comforting arms about us.  I need His comforting arms.  

I can't cry and let anyone see me.  But when I'm with Jesus, I know I can be the real me.  When I feel His Presence at church, or even here in my room, I know I can let my tears fall and no one will say anything. But sometimes, life can get so overwhelming you don't know what to do.  I guess by now you are wondering what is going on with me.  I really don't know. Nothing is wrong with me that I know of, so that is good.  But hubby concerns me. Dare I share anything? He would be furious I would write this.... and I don't know (yet) if he has taken up reading here for he has brought it up a few times lately and asked me questions about my 'blog'. I'm hoping he will forget - after all, he is the fodder of much of my posts, right?

What is troubling me right now?  Not the fact he has metastatic prostate cancer.  He doesn't 'feel' anything so all he goes by is the doctor's diagnosis.  He is taking his daily pill and will get the first shot scheduled by the end of the month.  But what scares me more than that, is his mind.  It's the little things that he does, and the questions that he asks that puzzle and scare me.  Things that he knows, he will ask about. I sometimes pause and just look at him and want to ask him, "are you asking because you don't know or because you want a conversation going while we are eating?"  (Yes, we sometimes talk about things, but many evenings I am brain dead and unless he has something going on, we don't talk much.)

Last night I thought he would go to church with me and I planned on us going out to grab a sandwich or salad and then head on over to the church. Then I found out he didn't want to go. So I sat down (he was watching TV, of course) and started to crochet as I had a couple hours before I would need to leave. After awhile he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat, then come back home before going to church.  I said "no, I have pizza in the freezer; I'll just fix it."  So I did.  As we sat down at the table to eat, he looks at the pizza and sees the Canadian bacon on top and asks "is that anchovies?"  How do I know if it is a real question or not?  I look at him to search for an answer.  Finding none, I responded, "no, it's Canadian bacon."  "oh".  As he eats, he notices the crust (now mind you, this isn't the first time he has had this crust - in store bought or in restaurant) and asks me if this is called 'thin crust' and he thought I liked the thick crust.  Yes, it is thin crust and yes, I used to prefer thick crust, but I have found there is more flavor to be found in the thin crust.  That satisfied his questions and I sat there totally puzzled and ... well, scared.  Where is his mind going?  

You may think I am over-reacting - and maybe I am.  But questions like that may mean nothing.... or it's going to be a real problem as time goes by.  And I'm scared.  And the questions arise... did God work it out for me to remain at home working so that I will be here as time progresses and hubby starts to have issues with not only his body, but his mind?  Am I working from home so that I can take care of him? Beyond cereal, toast, and a protein shake, I don't think he knows how to cook anymore - other than putting something in the microwave that is already prepared.  Seriously.  He asked me last night about ordering more of the Home Chef dinners (I had put it on pause for awhile)... not for him to cook, but he liked that I was cooking up meals rather than throwing things together.  Yes, I enjoy the new recipes - but I have a bunch of recipe books that I can work from anytime.  And I probably have all the things I need to fix stuff.  With having Home Chef I didn't have to think about what to cook; it was there to be cooked.  But I think I am actually going to cancel it.  I enjoyed the food, but I love to go through my cookbooks too and improvise as needed.  It's just doing it. 

And, I have bounced all over the place this morning, haven't I!  If you think of it, would you please say a prayer for me, for us?  For me to survive, I need Jesus.  I know He is always there, but I want Him to take care of things for me.  I'm tired. Reminds me of the song, "Precious Lord, take my hand.  Lead me on, let me stand. I am tired. I am weak. I am worn. Through the storm, through the night, lead me on, to Thy light. Precious Lord, Precious Lord, lead me home."  I've actually sung that a few times lately. I need Him to lead me through this new journey ahead, because I only know to follow.  

Blessings!

It was another busy day

 22 messages awaited me yesterday morning when I finally got on the work computer.  (WHERE are all these gnats coming from?  They are everywhere!  Just 'got' another one!).  I notice I have several this morning.  When I came in here, hoping for quiet, my work computer was making very loud noises.  I did a restart and it didn't help, so I just shut it down.  Which means I've lost the things I had 'up' still so that I'd remember to get them done.  Now I will need to backtrack and see what I need to do.

I'm hoping that now that I've shut the computer completely down that it won't be making noises when I bring it back up.  If it does, will need to contact the service desk and have them possibly replace my computer.  It's annoying.  I could have left it up and running, but I like my QUIET time - not the noisy humming of a computer next to me.  Sure hope I saved everything. 

I finally got over to visit Ms. Vicky last night.  I had my workout and then hubby and I stopped at Popeye's for 'dinner' as I was too tired to cook.  (My trainer killed my legs)  While we were eating Ms. Vicky called about getting her roof replaced and wanted hubby and I to come over n Thursday to see the samples the roof guy is bringing to see if they match.  Why are we involved?  Because hubby is president of the HOA and the HOA says the shingles have to match the other half of the duplex.  I about had a fit - thank goodness her insurance says they will pay for it - which is stupid - they want $20,000 for replacing half a duplex's roof!  I say it is about 10K too much!  But, the insurance said they'd pay it - she only has to pay the $500 deductible and she is trying to figure out how to get them to 'eat that' too.  Anyway - we said we'd go over on Thursday afternoon to look at the shingles and see if there is a match that HOA will approve.  Personally, I would never live in an HOA again.  I would love to sell this place and move - because of the HOA - and I don't care that hubby IS president of the HOA - we fight about it all the time. From the water, to trees, to landscaping, to flowers - you name it, and we fight about it. I don't like them doing things halfway and it looks crappy.  Anyway, I'll move along rather than get riled about it this morning.  I want my own place where I can take care of my own yard and plant my own plants and trim my own trees.  Go away and let me alone!

Yesterday work was horrendously busy and today may prove to be the same.  So many tasks, so many meetings and when I get incomplete emails it just drives me crazy. I had to shut down right at 4pm cause I had to leave for the gym, but I left a lot of work undone. And I didn't really care.  I did not bother to come back to it when I got home, but watched the rest of Walker Texas Ranger with hubby and then he turned the TV off.  I meant to read, but ended up scrolling for the next 20 minutes before going to bed.  I don't like it when I end up wasting time scrolling.  I have a life to live and scolling sure does take away from it.

Tonight I have girls night out and plan to meet up with my daughter.  We have been working on this diamond art piece that my big brother had sent me so will grab something for dinner and will spend the evening working on it.  It is relaxing and very much time consuming, but as you see how much you can get done, it is so satisfying.  I am enjoying it myself and have a couple other projects like it that I want to get and to work on.  Definitely have to have light and my reading glasses on to see the numbers and letters of the colors - but I do enjoy working on it.  In fact, I have a small one I am working on for a gift and I worked on it last night.  Didn't get much done, but still can see how much I did.  Like I said, it is very relaxing.

Psalm 20:4 (NKJV):  May He grant you according to your heart's desire, and fulfill all your purpose.

That is the scripture I was directed to in one of my devotionals today.  As I ponder the scriptures before it and after, I see that it is a request that God will protect in battle, will handle any conflicts, will provide assistance in whatever comes at you.  And then, 'May He grant you according to your heart's desire, and fulfill all your purpose.'  What a great thing to read when you are asking God for things.  When we ask, don't we want our heart's desires met?  Of course I would have to say that it also depends on what we THINK our heart desires.  Does it desire a big meal?  Does it desire financial freedom?  Does it desire... you can fill in the blank.  What does your heart desire?  Have you asked Him for it?  Not for the above questions, silly, but for real things.  Like protection of yourself and those you love.  Do you pray for protection - even a sentence prayer - that your spouse or child will be protected as they travel to where they are going?  I will admit I don't do it EVERY time, but I do frequently pray that God will protect hubby and his vehicle as he goes out, that He will keep him safe, that He will also protect those that surround hubby, that the vehicle being driven will keep working.  I even pray that over my children - lots of times!  Especially on road trips I know about and when I know they will be out and about.  One can not pray enough for those we love.  And He does grant us according to our heart's desire, and fulfills our purpose - our purpose of praying for those we love.

I received two very nice emails from my two friends who attended on Saturday.  The one for whom I had been covering is back to work (YAY).  Yesterday's nightmare was from our accounts payable system being upgraded over the weekend and as I tried to input invoices yesterday morning - found I was not approved as a coder on one, and on another account number it keeps coming back that it is an invalid number - and I've been using it for at least 5 years - and I couldn't submit that invoice either.  Finally got added to the one as a coder so could get that invoice off - but I'm still having fits o the other account number.  I even brought our finance guy in to it.  I don't know how it ended up since I walked away at 4PM.  All day long I had to deal with trying to submit this last invoice and it would tell me it was invalid.  But they wouldn't fix it!  Guess I will find out what happened to it this morning. Either it will 'start again' or they will have fixed it.

And with that - think I will stop my rambling thoughts and jump off here.  I have a few minutes yet that I can just sit still and wait on God.  I've already done my praying, but sometimes something will trigger a thought and another prayer is needed.  I love these moments before I need to get on the work computer and I can sit on the floor, look out my window, and just be with Jesus.  Try it, you will find it is refreshing.

Blessings!

Tuesday morning...

Hubby's Bible studies on Tuesday mornings has come to an end for the summer.  That makes me sad for I truly enjoyed the few hours he was gone for the study - and since he often went to lunch with his friend who also attends the study, he would be gone from about 9AM until 1-1:30PM - and I was alone all this time.  I snuck and got done things that I couldn't do while he was home.  I've lucked out today - he is meeting this friend for breakfast instead of lunch.  Not sure at what time, but possibly 8AM... and he will be gone a couple hours.  Sometimes I just need a break.  I have discovered that I fight depression more than ever with being stuck in this room nearly every day.... and when I come out... well, I'll just hush with that.

Yesterday was pretty busy until about 2PM and then things slowed down.  I needed to work on some training stuff we are required to take every year, but every time I thought of it, something came up and I had to do something else.  My boss has been driving me crazy about this upcoming board meeting on May 2nd.  We were going to move it; and I've sent several emails to the board members on if they can attend or not; and he decides yesterday that we will leave it on May 2nd.  Sigh.  And I think about all the emails I sent to the board members about it.  I do not like this part of my job.  It would be much easier in the office to where I could go in his office and talk to him about it; get all the information,; and deal with it - but it sometimes takes him awhile to respond to my emails if he's in a meeting and then he skims it and doesn't answer all my questions and I'm still left hanging as to what to do.  

I decided to take Friday off work since I have the doctor's appointment downtown.  As I got to thinking about it, hubby can take me to the doctor's appointment, then we can go to lunch, then I'll get my things ready for the women's conference - and have my daughter meet up with me about 3PM and we can go to the hotel and drop our things off and chill for a bit before grabbing something to eat for dinner.  I'm thinking that we may go some place for dinner versus depending on the food trucks that will be there.  That can always be 'dessert'.  We were to have food trucks at the last women's conference - but the only one that came was the coffee one.  I'm looking forward to getting away for an evening and being with other women and hopefully hearing a message that will meet my heart needs.

Time is getting away from me this morning, I'm afraid.  I woke up with a really bad headache - which after taking two tylenol extra strength it is finally gone.  But, I laid my head back a few times to rest it - and although I didn't go back to sleep, I did waste time.  I haven't gotten done all that I try to accomplish each morning.  And yet, here I am writing in this.  See how important you are?  If I ever miss a morning, surely I will fill it in later in the day - or will have a good excuse why I didn't.  After all, it is refreshing to know that someone knows and cares what goes on in my boring life.  I need to be able to share my ramblings.

It's interesting how people read books and can give reviews on it.  I know my son does it and I believe he is very good at it.  But he doesn't read the books I read. I finished a book titled Fervent this morning by Pricilla Shirer and it is my second or third time through it - and I love the book.  As I checked it off in Goodreads I noticed back in 2016 a review that someone named Morgan had put.  She really put the book down and made recommendations on other books on prayer.  I even have a couple of those on my bookcase.  I love prayer.  I love to spend quality time in prayer.  I've read numerous books on prayer, some that really spoke to me and some that bored me.  But I was surprised at this woman's review of this book.  Why?

 

Because I enjoyed every chapter I read in it.  Now I have read numerous books on prayer; I was part of a prayer coordinator group for a few years, prayer is my love language.  Granted, this book wasn't deep on prayer... but it had parts of Priscilla's life entwined with the words.  I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can say that I did get something out of it, even this time around.  Encouragement to keep praying and not give up.  That's a big one.  It is so discouraging to keep praying for something and nothing happens - or diligently praying for something and something does happen, but not what you want.  

Perhaps I'm not as 'deep' as this woman is/was in her prayer life.  I am reminded of people of generations before me, that could pray deeply, reverently, and boldly... not that we don't do that now... but I think we have leaned more into Jesus is our Friend and we don't have to use Thee and Thou to talk with Him (although sometimes my reading in the KJV does cause that).  I take prayer seriously; and I love spending time in prayer.  I don't know, it was just weird to me how this woman put the book down because she felt satan was called out too much.  Well, duh.  Who does she think we are fighting against in our daily lives?  I applaud her boldness and honesty, but I'm concerned more that a new Christian who could grow from what she reads in this book will not read it, thinking it contains things that she shouldn't be reading.  I've read it at least twice, and in a few years I may pick it up and read it again.  I feel encouraged and renewed to fight the battles I am called to fight in prayer.  Maybe that is just where I am.  

Prayer doesn't have to be deep to be effective.  Prayer just has to be real.  Does that make sense?  

In His arms, you will know the beauty of His peace - "the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension" and which guards our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philipians 4:7).  It's a daily fight, a battle, to spend quality time in prayer - and when we do find that time, it will lead us to a place of rest.  Why?  How?  God is the One fighting for us, and he will surely prevail.

Jude 24-25 (KJV):  "Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding job, to the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen."

Take a moment and just pause and reflect on your relationship with the One who loves you more than any one else could.  Perhaps even a 'thank you, Lord' will escape your lips as you recall how you have been rescued from accidents in which you could have seriously been injured - but weren't.  Situations you may have been deflamed in - but weren't.  That is His hand over you.  The least you could do is tell Him 'thank you', even if you have chosen not to follow Him.  Which, by the way, would be the greatest decision you will ever make.  Following Jesus doesn't insure your life will be perfect, but it does mean that you won't walk your journey alone.

Blessings!

My friend saved the day!

 I was awake around 2AM this morning and could not go back to sleep.  I was awake when hubby woke up at 3-ishAM and he got up to try and sleep in his recliner.  I stretched out on the bed once he was gone in the hopes I could go back to sleep... but I could not... and finally got up sometime between 4-4:30AM I think.  On a Saturday.  Sigh.

But prior to waking up, I was having really weird dreams.  I mean they were the crazy kind, with one thing here and then jumping to another thing and all over the place.  And then.  My girlfriend, one of my dear friends who taught me how to knit.  The one I will see today and relay this thought to her..  comes in to my dream and says "I have yarn!"  And I follow her to her car.  As I do, someone was walking with me and they made a comment that Lori had been working out really hard.  I looked to see who she was looking at and there was this real tall woman who had 'Popeye' muscles - huge calves and huge biceps.  I told her that wasn't Lori... and pointed out Lori (who has lost a lot of weight!) who was still walking to her car.  And then I woke up.  It was the oddest set of dreams.

We had El Pollo Loco for dinner last night - and I made this delicious sweet dessert... but surely it wasn't that - that triggered such dreams!

When hubby brought in my coffee, and we chatted briefly, he suggested that the reason we are waking up so early is that we go to bed too early.  We generally go to bed around 8:30PM because I want to get up at 4AM to have my quiet time.  And he gets up about 4:30AM.   Weekends it sometimes is closer to 10PM and I admit, I still wake up around 4AM...although at times it has been later.  Maybe we should try to stay up a bit later.  Last night, though, I was really tired.  It had been a very busy week, although Friday had not been too bad.

Not bad at all.  Two of my bosses were either in meetings or busy - so I had things I wanted to do - and made 6 batches of bread and butter pickles.  Made peach cobbler.  Made another dessert I am calling 'peach pockets'.  Was able to give some of the peach cobbler away and only have a small batch left.  The peach pockets I gave away too.  I love making them, but I can't keep them here cause I'll eat them.

I was reading in one of my 40 day devotionals this morning (we are still it he 40 day window of Lent) - and that small chapter really stirred me.  I have been struggling in my walk with God.  Not that I've done something that I haven't confessed or He hasn't forgiven me for... but I feel I'm still holding on to the hurt from things said to me in the past from those I trusted and loved.  I don't think about those things, but whenever situations happen, or I feel lost, my mind often will go back to those situations or to those words said, and I find my mind repeating them... which causes me to lose heart all over again. Does that make sense.  I have forgiven them, I love them, but I don't trust them because it hasn't happened just once... but several times.  God helped me each time to get through it, but it fractured me in a way I can't explain.  I don't want to go 'back there'... I'm just trying to explain something...  

Prayer was my total focus years ago before things happened.  I've struggled since then - I still pray, but I feel it isn't as much as I should be praying.  I know God hears my prayers, it's just my prayers are 'wavy-lined'... I know that doesn't make sense.  I'm reading in 40 days Beyond the Veil by Alice Smith.  I read her book that goes with this devotional several years ago.  Not sure if I still have it or not.  But pulled this out to read during the 40 days of Lent, along with another 40 day devotional.  Today I read....

"Every prayer of Leonard Ravenhill and Miss Bertha cut like a knife into our hearts. I remember that as one pastor began to pray the words, "Lord, if I have sinned, would you -" Miss Bertha abruptly interrupted him midsentence and said, "Son, what do you mean, 'if I have sinned?' You know you're a sinner - now get honest with God!" The poor pastor broke into tears, repenting of all kinds of things that I don't remember now.  I was stunned.  The power of God in that prayer meeting was unlike anything I had ever experienced before! Revival broke out in that room that night. I, too, began to weep over my sin. Heaven was touching earth!"

"You are here for one purpose only: to glorify God.  Christ in you is your only hope of glory (Colossians 1:27).  Keep reading, because the Word delivers great news: You are complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10) and He has given you everything you need for godly living (2 Peter 1:3).  God never calls the equipped.  He always equips the called. And now it is your turn to touch the younger generation with your passion and your prayers."

Both of these paragraphs touched my heart this morning.  BTW, Leonard Ravenhill was a great revivalist.  I need to see if there is a biography of him.  I bet that would be something to read!  His prayers were powerful and passionate and would rend Heaven to send revival to our nation!  Miss Bertha was a missionary who worked with Hudson Taylor, a powerful prayerful missionary to China.  Oh the history of those who went before us are stories to read!  I need to make myself a note to see about finding copies of their biographies - and of others, that I know were great prayers.

Prayer has always been my heart.  My favorite and best times are when I know my prayers are touching the heart of God.  When we pray about the things that God wants us to pray about, one can just feel His Presence and know that He is near.  Those are the most glorious times.

When was the last time you sat down - or knelt down - and had 'the talk' with God?  When was the last time you confessed your sins, and asked Jesus to forgive you?  When was the last time you felt His Presence near?  If it has been awhile.... isn't it about time you started the trip back to Him?

Start by just saying, "Lord, here I am.  ..."  

Don't let others steal your joy in the Lord.  It isn't them, it's the devil himself playing you.  Don't let people take from you what has been placed in you by Jesus.  

James 4:7 "Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee."

Blessings!

What now, buttercup?

 Yesterday was a busy, stressful day for me.  The thoughts of 'if you weren't working you wouldn't have this problem' kept running through my head.  It started in the morning... I was told I was to see about getting the powerpoint printed for the board retreat tomorrow.  At least someone in Tucson gave me a place to send to and they would pick it up.  But oh my goodness!  I was told this in the morning, then it kept going back and forth amongst them on correcting slides, replacing slides... and at 3:45PM they finally gave me the finished powerpoint.  Then I started to do the submission on line - and I about hyperventilated.  It was going on my boss' credit card.  The bill was almost $1200 to print 20 copies of 90 pages, double side, in color.  I called him and we discussed.  Eventually we got it down to 17 copies... and then I had to work with Fed Ex in getting it down to them, and talking with them for about 30 minutes to get it together - and the bill was still almost $1100.  Unbelievable.  As soon as I get the receipt I need to submit it so that my boss will get paid back. 

And while I was dealing with those issues, my youngest and his daughter came over with the great-gran to get her Christmas gifts.  The great-gran is sure a cutie at 5 months!  Smiles a lot too.  Once I was able to get away from the computer (about 4:20PM) they only stayed a few more minutes before they had to leave.  It was good to see them, albeit briefly.... but I was working so there's that.

Today.  I didn't sleep well last night - woke up around 1-ishAM... could not go back to sleep, so prayed over my siblings and my children... eventually I went back to sleep but didn't sleep well.  Yes, I wanted to go back to sleep in here this morning and if I had let myself, probably easily could.  Oh, by the way, hubby still hasn't noticed I did my laundry.  If he waits long enough, he won't even know. tee hee Or I can just play dumb when he questions why there isn't much in the basket.

Had lunch with my friend at her apartment yesterday - but also told her that isn't going to work in the future.  I can appreciate her having to watch her money closely - I get that.  But it's about 20+ minutes one way to her place and I only get an hour for lunch - and I was gone two hours yesterday.  Lunch was good, though - we had a baked potato and a salad.  Love that arrangement.   I was so exhausted with all the stress I had going on yesterday we went out for Pizza last night at Streets of New York.  It was good too.

Today should not be as stressful.  The pointpoint will be ready to be picked up at noon.  It's out of my hands.  My message is done for Sunday.  I still need to work on the celebration of life service program and message.  I will start working on it tonight.  Last night I just wasn't mentally there and I am hoping will be today.  I did start a second book by Michael V Ivanov - it's about doing extraordinary things.  I really like his style of writing for it allows me to 'draw the picture' in my mind and it holds my interest. Some would think his style of writing is plain, but I do like it. And in the two books I've read/started on, he has written a note in the front of the book.  Haven't checked the other two.  I think that is really cool.

I Corinthians 2:9 (NKJV):  "But as it is written: "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, or have entered into the heart of man, the things which God had prepared for those who love Him."

Have you ever wondered the 'what if' of your life?  Have you ever thought that the circumstances that you may be going through right now - good or bad - God already knew about them?  That God had perhaps allowed this to happen or to occur?  I often think about it - and often question God on what He is trying to do to me.  LOL  Not that it is TO me, but sometimes we feel like He's got it in for us, right? Why does all the bad stuff happen when we are struggling so?  Why does the good stuff only happen to other people?  Do you ever have those questions come to mind?  I admit, sometimes my mind goes that way.  Sometimes it seems that those of us who love God and follow Him and (try) to walk in His footsteps.... we fall on our faces more often than those who do not follow Him.  

But I think it is in those times, when we are flat on our faces, that brings us closer to Him.  We realize how dependent we are upon His mercies and His grace, and we ask for His favor to help us through these tough circumstances.  Yesterday I was definitely doing a lot of talking with God about getting through all the hoops to get this powerpoint to Fed Ex and getting the instructions to them.  It's in their hands now and I have to trust God that what I told them made sense and was doable!

It will be a busy few days through the weekend.  Monday is timecards... but I wonder if I can just take Monday off... but then, why?  It's just as easy to work.  Plus I'll hear about the retreat and how it went. 

Speaking of retreat - my friend's women's retreat is at the end of this month and I'm looking forward to it.  My sister still isn't coming as of what I know now... so I'll donate her ticket and make a decision later to either have hubby stay at the hotel with me or stay alone.  I keep telling myself to 'put your big girl panties on - you can do it".  LOL  I'm not used to going to a hotel by myself, although memory tells me I have done it twice for other retreats - but the retreat was there at that hotel - and not ten minutes away in another location.  In an area I have never been in before.  But it beats driving all the way back home an hour.  

I guess I'll hush for now and head for the shower; nothing is coming to mind to write about.  Don't you just hate days like that?  Mind is totally blank and aching just a little (from over-thinking?) and you just really want to go lay back in bed and rest.... but cannot.  So - the shower it is!  Hope that you have a good day and all your problems fade away.

Blessings!

Don't stop praying....

 Most days I start my day with prayer during my quiet time, and many times during that day I find myself sending up 'minute/sentence' prayers.  Prayers of help for someone.  Prayers to help me through something.  Whatever, whenever God brings someone to mind or reminds me of something, it is easy to 'run to Him' and just send up a quick prayer to Him.  Yesterday was definitely one of those days with the situation that is going on right now.  Even after I went to bed, a couple hours later than usual, I could not sleep for all the information I had received throughout the day was running through my mind.  Did it happen this way?  Could she have done this?  Did he? What is going to happen.  How is the effect going to cause problems in the future?  So many questions... and today I have no answers.  Hopefully later today more answers will come as decisions on some things will be made today.  Lord, please bring good from all of this.  Thank you, Jesus.  Give us all peace in all of this.

Psalm 46:10 (NKJV):  "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

Of one thing I am certain, He is God, and I am not.  I trust in You, Lord, no matter what.

Hubby has gone to his first 'men's group' breakfast at the new church we have chosen to attend.  I am praying that he will feel accepted and have a good time and make new friends.  Our group leader is head of the men's group so he at least knows one person.  I was to have lunch today with my boss, a former CFO friend, and a doctor friend (who delivered two of my grandchildren!) but - when I sent out a quick reminder late yesterday afternoon, my boss and the doctor both realized they had forgotten and had made other plans - so I cancelled the lunch and will reschedule it for some time next month.  So today I am 'free' - well, at least for a little while.  I need to drop something off to be shipped back to Amazon at our local Kohls so I may have do do a little browing there.  Hopefully I will go alone and will be able to just have some space and time by myself.  Depends on when hubby gets back from the breakfast - and I'm in no hurry to get out of here.  After all, I have the house to myself at the moment.  And a cup of coffee that is still half full.

I'm sitting here thinking of how God works.  My little sister went to her church last week and the topic was on suicide.  She learned some things about it, and how she can get out of her 'pit' when she feels so alone and empty.  And I'm thinking of a situation right now which it may very well be applied to.  She has been given the tools that she can share them and perhaps help someone else that may need that informaiton.  I hope she takes advantage of the situation - whether or not she likes that person - that she will share and perhaps give that person 'HOPE'.  You know, that word we discussed yesterday.  One has to have HOPE in whatever is before them.

And because I do have hope, I do not quit praying.  I may struggle sometimes within the prayer itself; how do I pray for.... , what about..... , is this something I want, Lord, or is it something YOU want and I am your instrument?  Oh so many things to pray for and so many things to let go of.  Sometimes we are NOT to pray for things.  Ever come across something like that?  Sometimes I want to pray a certain way and God says, "nope! not in My will, pray this way!"  One needs to be sensitive to what God wants us to pray about.  Sometimes is isn't for us to pray.  But sometimes it is, so never stop praying for what God has laid on your heart, or showed you in a dream.

Joseph had dreams, remember?  And he shared them with his father and his brothers, and they didn't like them at all!  How dare Joseph tell them that his father and brothers would bow down to him!  The brothers were so angry that when they had the opportunity they sold him into slavery and told their father he had been killed by a wild animal.  Jospeh never gave up but continued to serve the God he knew.  He kept true to Him in every way, even when he was thrown into prison and forgotten, for something that he did not do.  When the cupbearer finally remembered that Joseph had given him the meaning of his dream, Joseph was brought out of the prison, gave the translation of what the dream the ruler had, and was made second in command of all the land of Egypt.  And the dream he had had many years before and had shared with his father and brothers, came true.  They did come to Egypt and bow down before him.  

Joseph never gave up on God, and neither should we.  Let us keep our eyes on the prize before us, which is being with Jesus when our life is over.  Keep praying, keep seeking, keep believing.

Blessings!