I just may try something new - if I can....

 I picked up my combo box yesterday morning and was able to share some of it with my son and his wife.  Took it up to her at work yesterday afternoon.  Little things, like mini cucumbers (he didn't want them all, just some to munch on), a butternut squash; eggplant (ick), and a bag of Gala apples.  I didn't get those from the combo box.  I had purchased the Gala apples, because I know my son loves them best.  And yes, I gave them up as well. Because I wanted to.  

I guess I will be making pickles at some point this afternoon or tomorrow.  I still have quite a few cucumbers.  I'll keep some out for us to munch on, but need to use them up before they go bad.  So many times I buy cucumbers and before I get to them, they have the moldy spots on them.  Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about!  I end up throwing away more fruits and vegetables than I'd like to admit - mainly because I'm too lazy to prepare them for munching, or I forget they are even in the refrigerator. My bad. I own it. I'm getting 'lazy' in my 'old age'.  

I was thinking about time management this morning.  There are so many things I want to do.  I want to start exercising every day at least 15 minutes.  That could be walking, getting on the rebounder (which is the best, no pounding on the feet, I have a bar to hold on to, great lymphatic release), grabbing a couple weights to do curls.... I want to work on my diamond art projects.  Yes, it is plural for I have one I'm working on, and several I want to work on when I get this one finished.  I have books I want to read.  I have crocheting to do.  I have recipes I want to try.  I want to create my own recipe book because I have my favorite recipes that I'd like to pass on to my grandchildren.  So many things I want to do.... and I have become lazy in that after work I fix dinner (if we don't go out), and then sit on the couch in defiance that if hubby can sit all evening, so can I.  Right? 

Actually, I can't blame him. He has no hobbies and all he does is watch reels on his phone, watch TV, and read. Basically in that order. Not putting him down. That's just what he does.  That is his evenings.  And mine is getting as bad.  I need to snap out of it and start doing things.  Yes, I crochet while the TV is on. Yes, I watch movies with hubby. But I need to get my butt up off the couch and DO something productive like my diamond art or exercising.... and yes, I read as well.  Just don't do what I want to do that often. I do what is the easiest.  Are you like that as well?

I am so tired of not living life.  Does that make sense?  Since I have been working from home, my life has not been mine.  It belongs to the office - amongst interruptions from hubby - during the day.  Then there is dinner to fix or figure out where we are going to eat. Then what?  I feel at times that I have lost my life again - it is totally sucked out of me - and it is killing me.  I want to be alive; I want to live again.  

In fact, God and I had a talk about that this morning.  He knows all about me; about my laziness.  So I told Him what I was wanting..... and asked Him to help me start living again.  Since my oven and stove have been out of commission for about six weeks now (and we have been told it will be another 2-3 weeks before I can get it back) I haven't been able to bake and cooking has been the air fryer, microwave, electric skillet or grill.  Which isn't bad. At least I have appliances to offset NOT having the stove or oven.  I miss not being able to bake.  Not that we need anything that I bake.  But I miss being able to bake cookies, cook up a big pot of soup (yes, can use the crockpot, but it's not the same - think potato soup).  I could try to get more creative, I guess, but why?  Shouldn't be eating the goody foods anyway - and the foods that are good for us - well, I only worry about that during 'meal times'.

Ok - yes, I'm rambling.  My left leg kept me awake most of the night.  The pain has now radiated from my hip bones down my thigh, and this past week, down my shin to the ankle. Painful enough it wakes me up at night; hurts enough during the day to distract.  No one can 'see' on the outside anything wrong - so it's hard to make the decision to go see Dr. Mark about it. If it continues to get bad, I may call the office and see if he would just give me a referral to get a CT scan or something that can check that bone and see what is going on.  I am sure it is from the bug bites I got before. I know I've mentioned this before. I know there is a connection.  But what bug bit me? Numerous times?  The UC doc said she thought it was scorpion for they can strike more than once (I didn't know that), and one symptom is the pain radiating to a bone. Well, hello!  No one listens to me for no one can see anything wrong.  But I feel it.

Have you ever been to the point where you just felt empty.  Void of hope. Void of life.??  It may even seem like a part of depression.  Just an emptiness that hangs on to you.  I'm there right now, in a sense. I mark it up to being tired; to feeling like I can't be ME; I'm so tired of everything needing to be 'together' - and some of you know what I mean by that.  I just want to be ME.  I want to live and love and laugh and enjoy my latter years.  I want to do things that bring joy to others - and to me because I'm doing them.  I don't want to die sitting on the couch.

Acts 4:12 (NIV):  Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.

As I sit here this morning, pondering about life, and what I feel is my lack of it, I am reminded WHOSE I am.  When I was growing up - although I don't remember most of my childhood - and even some of the years afterwards... I always wanted to do good.  I wanted my life, my family, to be good. To be loving to each other. To be kind.  I didn't have that growing up.  Life was so very hard.  But I wanted MY family to be different.  To develop a love for each other that nothing else mattered; to put others first.  I have failed.  Life is hard.  Disruptions happen.  Stupidity happens. Narcistic views happen. In-laws happen. Anger develops. Unforgiveness intervenes.  Sadly, this is where life lives right now.  Or maybe I am just imagining it? I wish it were that easy.  And yes, my thoughts are getting away from me.

When you try and try, always feeling like the answer is just around the corner, and then it isn't, it can split your heart wide open and leak out all your reserves. My reserves. And you feel empty. Void of life. It can make you feel unsatisfied and frustrated with everything - and everyone.  Maybe even especially with those you love.  But to keep peace, we put on a fake smile and stop peeking around the corner, hoping change is coming. Wrapped in that perception that things will miraculously (and sometimes it can) change for the better, is the noose that strangles all hope. And that is where some of us live.  And it stinks.

But we have hope.  Why?  Because Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.  That answer is sure and solid and true and full of hope rediscovered.  No good plan, no great education, no other people - can change your life.  Only Jesus.  

Following rules and following Jesus are two different things.  I can follow the rules all I want - and that makes me legalistic and just religious.  But when I follow Jesus, He can give me life, and give it abundantly.  Going through the motions of religious things won't ever satisfy my heart.  When I give up, surrender, and say "Jesus, I only want You.  There is no other one or thing that can take Your place.  Nothing can fill the emptiness within me - except You."

And that is my prayer for myself - and for you.  Only Jesus can satisfy. Only Jesus can fill the emptiness that hurts so deeply.  Only Jesus.  Now that you know that - what will you do about it?  

Blessings!

I'm longing for more....

 Last night I went to church for prayer meeting alone.  Hubby didn't want to go.  Yeah, I've mentioned how we feel when we have gone with the volume of things, but I still want to go.  The Bishop who spoke on Sunday morning was there and he spoke only about 20 minutes.  But then he asked that those who want more of Jesus, to come forward.  Those who want to go deeper with Jesus.  That is always the longing of my heart, so I went forward with the many others that did.  The Bishop walked around and laid hands on many people; not so much on the side that I was on, plus I was behind a row or two of people.  I left empty..... I wanted him to pray over me... and it didn't happen.  I don't want to go to him and say "pray for me" - which he would do - I want God to tell him to do so.  I long for him to tell me 'God sees you, He sees your tears, and He hasn't forgotten you'.  Am I being too 'demanding' in my request of God?  That He orchestrate it (as I know He can) so that .... sigh.  I am opening myself up here in the inner recesses of my soul.  

I have mentioned many times that I want a deeper and closer walk with God.  And I leave (well, go sit at my desk most days) my prayer time with the resolve to 'do better', to 'be better'.....  I feel so alone.  And I know it is because I am - in a way - 'home alone'.  Yes, hubby is here.  This week he has been here almost 24x7 as he hasn't had any breakfasts or lunches scheduled.  Nor doctor appointments.  He has had his two trainings this week. He is in the shower now and I think he may be meeting someone around 9AM for breakfast this morning; not sure.  Tomorrow will be the Bible study/breakfast.  But lately he has become very clingy of me, needing me in the same room with him, going places with him. 

Anyway.... I long for time to just be with Jesus and 'tell Him all my troubles' (remember the song?).  He knows them anyway.  I just want to sit with Him and let my tears fall. They started to last night, but I kept them inside.  They are wanting to fall again this morning.  And there is really no reason, other than I want more of Jesus.  I NEED Him for life ahead of me.  I'm scared, to be honest.  I'm helpless.  I don't know what to do.

I Peter 5:7 (NKJV):  casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.

That verse just popped into my mind.  Sometimes we think that we don't have to tell God what is going on inside of us, or even in our world.  He knows it already, right?  And if it is bad, why don't He just go ahead and fix it?  Sometimes He does, but He loves it when we bring our trials, our concerns, our cares, to Him and tell Him how we feel.  And then we need to pause and wait for His response.  Which may not come right away, but sometimes, we may feel His comforting arms about us.  I need His comforting arms.  

I can't cry and let anyone see me.  But when I'm with Jesus, I know I can be the real me.  When I feel His Presence at church, or even here in my room, I know I can let my tears fall and no one will say anything. But sometimes, life can get so overwhelming you don't know what to do.  I guess by now you are wondering what is going on with me.  I really don't know. Nothing is wrong with me that I know of, so that is good.  But hubby concerns me. Dare I share anything? He would be furious I would write this.... and I don't know (yet) if he has taken up reading here for he has brought it up a few times lately and asked me questions about my 'blog'. I'm hoping he will forget - after all, he is the fodder of much of my posts, right?

What is troubling me right now?  Not the fact he has metastatic prostate cancer.  He doesn't 'feel' anything so all he goes by is the doctor's diagnosis.  He is taking his daily pill and will get the first shot scheduled by the end of the month.  But what scares me more than that, is his mind.  It's the little things that he does, and the questions that he asks that puzzle and scare me.  Things that he knows, he will ask about. I sometimes pause and just look at him and want to ask him, "are you asking because you don't know or because you want a conversation going while we are eating?"  (Yes, we sometimes talk about things, but many evenings I am brain dead and unless he has something going on, we don't talk much.)

Last night I thought he would go to church with me and I planned on us going out to grab a sandwich or salad and then head on over to the church. Then I found out he didn't want to go. So I sat down (he was watching TV, of course) and started to crochet as I had a couple hours before I would need to leave. After awhile he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat, then come back home before going to church.  I said "no, I have pizza in the freezer; I'll just fix it."  So I did.  As we sat down at the table to eat, he looks at the pizza and sees the Canadian bacon on top and asks "is that anchovies?"  How do I know if it is a real question or not?  I look at him to search for an answer.  Finding none, I responded, "no, it's Canadian bacon."  "oh".  As he eats, he notices the crust (now mind you, this isn't the first time he has had this crust - in store bought or in restaurant) and asks me if this is called 'thin crust' and he thought I liked the thick crust.  Yes, it is thin crust and yes, I used to prefer thick crust, but I have found there is more flavor to be found in the thin crust.  That satisfied his questions and I sat there totally puzzled and ... well, scared.  Where is his mind going?  

You may think I am over-reacting - and maybe I am.  But questions like that may mean nothing.... or it's going to be a real problem as time goes by.  And I'm scared.  And the questions arise... did God work it out for me to remain at home working so that I will be here as time progresses and hubby starts to have issues with not only his body, but his mind?  Am I working from home so that I can take care of him? Beyond cereal, toast, and a protein shake, I don't think he knows how to cook anymore - other than putting something in the microwave that is already prepared.  Seriously.  He asked me last night about ordering more of the Home Chef dinners (I had put it on pause for awhile)... not for him to cook, but he liked that I was cooking up meals rather than throwing things together.  Yes, I enjoy the new recipes - but I have a bunch of recipe books that I can work from anytime.  And I probably have all the things I need to fix stuff.  With having Home Chef I didn't have to think about what to cook; it was there to be cooked.  But I think I am actually going to cancel it.  I enjoyed the food, but I love to go through my cookbooks too and improvise as needed.  It's just doing it. 

And, I have bounced all over the place this morning, haven't I!  If you think of it, would you please say a prayer for me, for us?  For me to survive, I need Jesus.  I know He is always there, but I want Him to take care of things for me.  I'm tired. Reminds me of the song, "Precious Lord, take my hand.  Lead me on, let me stand. I am tired. I am weak. I am worn. Through the storm, through the night, lead me on, to Thy light. Precious Lord, Precious Lord, lead me home."  I've actually sung that a few times lately. I need Him to lead me through this new journey ahead, because I only know to follow.  

Blessings!

Trusting Jesus.... He will always make a way

To hubby's dismay, I did not cook breakfast yesterday and I just ate a piece of toast with peanut butter on it.  I did get out in the garage yesterday to clean it up - but didn't accomplish what I wanted to.  I had put together shelving several months ago - incorrectly.  I decided to do it right yesterday, emptied the shelves and put them together correctly.  Then I put together another shelf I had bought.  I have one more - which I don't think we need, so now to decide to take it back or see if one of the kids could use it.  It's plastic, 4 shelves.  Not real strong, but strong enough to hold boxes. It's a Walmart $18 deal so no biggie.

I did accomplish getting rid of some Amazon boxes, fixing the shelves correctly (that was work), and putting together the other shelving and putting things back on the shelves.  I should have started earlier; but didn't start until about 9AM... and I worked out there until about noon.  And I must say I think I've paid for it too.  My nose kept running constantly, I was drenched in sweat (and I don't sweat).  I didn't even get to the cabinets I wanted to go through.  Another cooler day, I think.  But, hubby came out and we did get some things taken over to the neighbor's dumpster that will be taken on Monday.  We had this rug from our 'old' house still on the side of the garage - finally told hubby since he wouldn't take it to Savers to throw in dumpster.  He argued with me that it wouldn't fit in his car.  It would, I know it would; he just didn't want to deal with it.  That is a big difference.  Anyway - it's out of the garage and when I got my things put away, hubby did sweep the garage floor so it is looking pretty nice right now.

But being out in the 'heat/humidity' of the garage took it's toll on me.  My head was pounding most of the afternoon; I took an allergy pill to stop the runny nose.... and late last night I realized I grabbed a 'non-drowsy' one... because my mind would not go to sleep, no matter how tired the body was.  Eventually I did, of course, and was awake about 4:45AM this morning.  Got a busy day today so won't have time for a nap.....I don't think. :-)

Jentezen Franklin is online now with the last message on 'Signs of the Times' - Perry Stone speaks at 2PM our time - if you haven't heard about him, he has more to say about the end times.  He will be at Free Chapel, in case you want to watch it.   I'm hoping I can get things to where I can watch it, but will see.  I got errands to run this afternoon.

Ephesians 1:3-6 (NKJV):  "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved."

Did you catch that?  "to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved."

Jesus is our Beloved, for He is Beloved of God.  It is to His praise, to His glory, in His grace, that he has cleansed us, forgiven us, and set us free from the world..... all by His grace.... and by His grace, by His sacrifice of the Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, we are accepted.  Hallelujah!

Psalm 118:26 (NKJV):  "Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord.  We have blessed you from the house of the Lord."

So where do you stand today?  Are you still living life the way YOU think it should be lived?  Or have you chosen to allow Jesus to be Lord of your life, to be the CENTER of all that you do?  I pray that you have allowed Jesus to live as Lord, to be the center of your life.  You will find there is no other way to live.  It doesn't mean everything will be perfect for you, but through it all, you have peace.  And that peace is nothing like you have ever experienced.  Oh that you would know and confess Jesus as Lord!

Jesus is coming soon - the signs of the times identify that.  Read Revelations - it tells you what will happen.  Do not take the mark of the beast... but stand firm in Christ, no matter what.  No matter what comes against you, even if it costs you your life.  Stand firm for Jesus.  He is the only way to live.

Blessings!

Spending time with Jesus

 is one of my favorite things to do.  Extended times here in the mornings, alone in my room, is my favorite time of every day.  It doesn't matter if I read the entire time, stop and type in here, or spend my time praying, or even taking a short nap, I am always rewarded because I took time to spend it with Jesus.  There is nothing better.  It sets the tone for my day.  If I'm struggling, or hurting, or fighting a losing battle (as it seems some times), when I start my day with Jesus, reading His Word, spending time talking with Him, my day is already complete.  

And it's a good thing I start my day with Jesus, cause some days it is a real struggle just to get through the day.  Do you agree?  How do you start your mornings....  and how does your day go by doing it that way?  Just curious....if you want to share.

Today is a grandson's birthday and I will send him a text soon to wish him well.  This child - yes, regardless of how old he is, he is still a child - is so loving and cute and I enjoy being around him.  Don't see him often as he is old enough to be out of school and working a full time job.  But, he always have a place in my heart.  Lord, I pray abundant blessings upon this grandson, that You will bless him today with all that he desires.  Draw his heart close to You and let him know how dearly he is loved, by his family, and by You.

I glanced at my phone a little bit ago - sometimes I can see the start of some messages.  I saw I had an email from a new friend in our Bible study group.  We have formed a bond of sorts - found we like the same authors and people who speak the Truth and are not afraid of what others say.  LOL  She mentioned that she likes 'hell, fire and brimstone' pastors.  I get it.  Pastors nowadays  - more often than not - are afraid to tell you that you are going to Hell when you sin.  Instead they just pat you on the hand and say 'you shouldn't do that....'. We need pastors in our churches that will speak the Truth - in love - but still the Truth - that if you do not surrender your life and make Jesus your Lord, you will go to hell. 

John 14:6 (NKJV):  "Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

I think I told you on Monday that we had a great service this last Sunday. The topic was No Compromise.  What do you think of when you hear those words, 'No Compromise'?  For many of us, I'm sure, we think of standing our ground, not giving in. And that's probably true.  But sometimes we do need to compromise when being right isn't always best.  But what the pastor was referring to last week was 'No Compromise' in following Jesus.

What I got out of the message that Jesus is always first.  He is always #1.  Everything thing we do and say must be about Jesus, or a reflection of Him.  What we believe about Jesus, we need to stand firm on. He is the Son of the Living God.  His words are truth, His words are simple.  His words tell us how to live in this crazy world.

Many people have grown up with a head knowledge of who Jesus is... and they may have gone through the actions of 'accepting Jesus' into their hearts, but they never gave Him all of themselves.  They couldn't give up the world for Jesus.  They never gained that personal heart knowledge of who Jesus is so they never knew there is no compromise in following Jesus.

There was a story about ten men who had been captured during the war.  I'm thinking it was in Russia, the pastor said.  Each man was tortured and beaten.  Each time they were given a paper to 'confess they were guilty of this crime', and each time they refused, because they were not guilty, they would be beaten again.  Then they were separated and put in isolation.  The torture increased.  They were told that if they would sign the paper that they were guilty, they would be released.  As time passed, and the beatings and torture happened daily, one by one the men compromised and signed the paper, when they felt they couldn't take the torture any more.  It was down to one man.  He was continuously tortured, beaten, kept in isolation.  He was daily given the paper to sign, taking a guilty plea.  He continuously refused.  They would tell him he would be released, if he would sign the paper.  He still refused.  He was not guilty and would not say he was.  Finally, the beatings and torture stopped......and he was released.  It was then he discovered that the 9 men who had given in and had signed the paper stating they were guilty...... were not released....they were taken out and executed, one by one.  One man out of ten refused to compromise his integrity.  He was not guilty and refused to say he was.

Is your integrity, your faith in God, strong enough that if you were beaten and tortured, or even if you were just put on a stand and asked "Do you know Jesus?" - knowing you could be beaten and tortured and killed for saying you knew Him, or that you followed Him, would you say "yes" or would you compromise your relationship with Jesus by saying, as Peter did when he denied Jesus three times, "I do not know Him."?   Is your relationship with Jesus strong enough that if your family's lives were at stake, would you compromise your belief to save them - or would you release them to the only One who can save them... and stand firm in your walk with Jesus?

No compromise.  No matter what. It's either Jesus - or nothing.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NKJV):  "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls."

Jesus never compromised.  He was beaten, scourged, hair pulled out of his beard, spit upon... and then forced to carry a wooden cross on which He would be nailed to.  He suffered, and died, for me and for you.

He did not compromise His walk with His Father.  And He is asking us to not compromise our walk with Him.  

Are you willing to accept the beatings and torture, the cruelty of people by their words and actions, to stand up for Jesus?  Can you handle the mocking of your walk with Him?  Will you compromise who you are in Jesus for the world?

Or will you not compromise.... no matter what.... and live with Jesus forever?

I pray that my commitment to Jesus, and yours, will survive the tests that hit us daily.  

No compromise.