Last night I went to church for prayer meeting alone. Hubby didn't want to go. Yeah, I've mentioned how we feel when we have gone with the volume of things, but I still want to go. The Bishop who spoke on Sunday morning was there and he spoke only about 20 minutes. But then he asked that those who want more of Jesus, to come forward. Those who want to go deeper with Jesus. That is always the longing of my heart, so I went forward with the many others that did. The Bishop walked around and laid hands on many people; not so much on the side that I was on, plus I was behind a row or two of people. I left empty..... I wanted him to pray over me... and it didn't happen. I don't want to go to him and say "pray for me" - which he would do - I want God to tell him to do so. I long for him to tell me 'God sees you, He sees your tears, and He hasn't forgotten you'. Am I being too 'demanding' in my request of God? That He orchestrate it (as I know He can) so that .... sigh. I am opening myself up here in the inner recesses of my soul.
I have mentioned many times that I want a deeper and closer walk with God. And I leave (well, go sit at my desk most days) my prayer time with the resolve to 'do better', to 'be better'..... I feel so alone. And I know it is because I am - in a way - 'home alone'. Yes, hubby is here. This week he has been here almost 24x7 as he hasn't had any breakfasts or lunches scheduled. Nor doctor appointments. He has had his two trainings this week. He is in the shower now and I think he may be meeting someone around 9AM for breakfast this morning; not sure. Tomorrow will be the Bible study/breakfast. But lately he has become very clingy of me, needing me in the same room with him, going places with him.
Anyway.... I long for time to just be with Jesus and 'tell Him all my troubles' (remember the song?). He knows them anyway. I just want to sit with Him and let my tears fall. They started to last night, but I kept them inside. They are wanting to fall again this morning. And there is really no reason, other than I want more of Jesus. I NEED Him for life ahead of me. I'm scared, to be honest. I'm helpless. I don't know what to do.
I Peter 5:7 (NKJV): casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.
That verse just popped into my mind. Sometimes we think that we don't have to tell God what is going on inside of us, or even in our world. He knows it already, right? And if it is bad, why don't He just go ahead and fix it? Sometimes He does, but He loves it when we bring our trials, our concerns, our cares, to Him and tell Him how we feel. And then we need to pause and wait for His response. Which may not come right away, but sometimes, we may feel His comforting arms about us. I need His comforting arms.
I can't cry and let anyone see me. But when I'm with Jesus, I know I can be the real me. When I feel His Presence at church, or even here in my room, I know I can let my tears fall and no one will say anything. But sometimes, life can get so overwhelming you don't know what to do. I guess by now you are wondering what is going on with me. I really don't know. Nothing is wrong with me that I know of, so that is good. But hubby concerns me. Dare I share anything? He would be furious I would write this.... and I don't know (yet) if he has taken up reading here for he has brought it up a few times lately and asked me questions about my 'blog'. I'm hoping he will forget - after all, he is the fodder of much of my posts, right?
What is troubling me right now? Not the fact he has metastatic prostate cancer. He doesn't 'feel' anything so all he goes by is the doctor's diagnosis. He is taking his daily pill and will get the first shot scheduled by the end of the month. But what scares me more than that, is his mind. It's the little things that he does, and the questions that he asks that puzzle and scare me. Things that he knows, he will ask about. I sometimes pause and just look at him and want to ask him, "are you asking because you don't know or because you want a conversation going while we are eating?" (Yes, we sometimes talk about things, but many evenings I am brain dead and unless he has something going on, we don't talk much.)
Last night I thought he would go to church with me and I planned on us going out to grab a sandwich or salad and then head on over to the church. Then I found out he didn't want to go. So I sat down (he was watching TV, of course) and started to crochet as I had a couple hours before I would need to leave. After awhile he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat, then come back home before going to church. I said "no, I have pizza in the freezer; I'll just fix it." So I did. As we sat down at the table to eat, he looks at the pizza and sees the Canadian bacon on top and asks "is that anchovies?" How do I know if it is a real question or not? I look at him to search for an answer. Finding none, I responded, "no, it's Canadian bacon." "oh". As he eats, he notices the crust (now mind you, this isn't the first time he has had this crust - in store bought or in restaurant) and asks me if this is called 'thin crust' and he thought I liked the thick crust. Yes, it is thin crust and yes, I used to prefer thick crust, but I have found there is more flavor to be found in the thin crust. That satisfied his questions and I sat there totally puzzled and ... well, scared. Where is his mind going?
You may think I am over-reacting - and maybe I am. But questions like that may mean nothing.... or it's going to be a real problem as time goes by. And I'm scared. And the questions arise... did God work it out for me to remain at home working so that I will be here as time progresses and hubby starts to have issues with not only his body, but his mind? Am I working from home so that I can take care of him? Beyond cereal, toast, and a protein shake, I don't think he knows how to cook anymore - other than putting something in the microwave that is already prepared. Seriously. He asked me last night about ordering more of the Home Chef dinners (I had put it on pause for awhile)... not for him to cook, but he liked that I was cooking up meals rather than throwing things together. Yes, I enjoy the new recipes - but I have a bunch of recipe books that I can work from anytime. And I probably have all the things I need to fix stuff. With having Home Chef I didn't have to think about what to cook; it was there to be cooked. But I think I am actually going to cancel it. I enjoyed the food, but I love to go through my cookbooks too and improvise as needed. It's just doing it.
And, I have bounced all over the place this morning, haven't I! If you think of it, would you please say a prayer for me, for us? For me to survive, I need Jesus. I know He is always there, but I want Him to take care of things for me. I'm tired. Reminds me of the song, "Precious Lord, take my hand. Lead me on, let me stand. I am tired. I am weak. I am worn. Through the storm, through the night, lead me on, to Thy light. Precious Lord, Precious Lord, lead me home." I've actually sung that a few times lately. I need Him to lead me through this new journey ahead, because I only know to follow.
Blessings!
