It's not about ME....

 As I lamented about my blood test results yesterday, my son reminded me of truth.  And for that I am grateful.  I'm not worried; I'm not even thinking about it anymore.  And my big brother did some research for me and found that my 4.9 is 'mild', not high risk.  I guess it just depends on who is interpreting the results, right?  His research also showed that my complaint about it being caused by the scorpion bites I got 3-4 years ago (I think it was 3 year but not sure) is not the cause of it.  Which is interesting, because the leg pain all started after the bites.  I think there were 15 bites/stings.  I have photos I took along the way.  Anyway - there were other possible causes and I ruled out several.  There were a couple I could possibly agree with.  Stress.  Definitely was one.  I don't remember the others right now - and besides that - it isn't important.  I've surprisingly have learned, with taking Advil for my shoulder pain.... me, who doesn't like to take medication at all, had to take an Advil..... I slept through the night and did not awaken during the night with the severe leg pain.  And I recall reading in the articles that Nsaid or aspirin can reduce inflammation. Imagine that..  My brother and I also discussed my use of Fosamax.  Actually, being forced to take it.   They (the doctors) make you take it for 5 years, then switch you to Reclast, which is an infusion for the bones, and after a couple years on that, switch you to Prolia.  I don't want any of it.  I have argued against the Fosamax all these years I've taken it.  But once started, Dr. Mark (although he did not start it, nor do I think he would have) one has to keep taking it.  I'm reconsidering this one.  I have had some sort of leg pain since I started taking Fosamax. Usually it lasted three days in the beginning.  Could that have been the start of all this?  Something to consider........ right?  Ok - enough on this subject!  Moving on!

I have a confession.  I have not 'allowed' hubby to drive my current car - ever.  You may think that is rude and mean, but if you know my situation, you may be able to understand it a bit more.  Every single car I have had since being married, also becomes 'his'.  By that I mean, he has his own car - which, by the way, I have never ever been 'allowed' to drive ANY of his cars the past 44 years.... but he always likes mine better so when we would go somewhere, my car would be the one taken - and if I had let him drive it, it became the car he drove whenever we went anywhere.  And he is not as careful with my car as he is with his.  Years ago we parked on opposite sides of the garage, me on the left, he on the right.  My car at that time, which was newer than his, started having chip marks in a row on the passenger side.  I honestly did not figure it out; the kids did.  He would open his car door, hit it against my car and get in or out of it.  After all, it was MY car.  Heaven forbid if I should do that to HIS car!  He would yell at me if I touched the black at the top of the car when getting out, stating I would cause it to fade over time.  Yeah, he believed that.  I'm not putting hubby down, and I'm leading up to a point.

My point?  My granddaughter called last night and is had to put her car in shop for today.  She asked if she could borrow my car to take the great-granddaughter to a couple classes she is scheduled for.  I'm not using my car today; I don't have any place to go, after all, I'm working.  I told her yes.  FIRST TIME EVER I dared to loan my car to anyone without checking with hubby - and incidentally, have NEVER loaned either of our cars to anyone.  Oh I take that back, one time my sister & hubby was out here and they got to use it one day.  Anyway.... I came home from Ms. Vicky's - which is where I was when I got the call and said yes, and told hubby I was letting the granddaughter borrow my car today.  His immediate comment?  "You trust her to drive your car and you don't trust me?"  I never bothered to respond; I just walked away like I hadn't heard his comment.  If he had pursued, I would have told him why - I can't trust him to let my car remain mine, and he doesn't let me drive his car so what is the difference?  Anyway - he can just get over it. Right? :-)

Wow - I've dumped all over the place this morning, haven't I!  Not putting anyone down, not doing anything... just sharing part of my life. :-) And if you are reading in here, you want to know my life, right? LOL  Do I apologize here?

Morgan killed my core yesterday and my belly is telling me so.  She also had me use that shoulder and it's sore - which is why I took the Advil last night.  If I take a pill for pain, you know it's bad... just saying.

Dang - I got busy and forgot about finishing this!  Well, you know that eventually I will get to it, right?  I'm waiting on the granddaughter to pick up my car, I have eggs ole in the oven because it just sounds good this morning, and I have already washed one load of clothes.  That's actually all the laundry I'm doing today.  Hubby will be here around 10-ish I think.  .....   I'm  in a 'not work today' mood.  What's up with that?   I heard some people were 'given permission' to take off at noon today for the holiday weekend.  I'm not going anywhere.  I have no 'bosses' to speak of right now... even though I still support three people.... I'm technically 'off' anyway, right?  LOL  I do what I want to do when I can do it.  I just don't want/can't do when hubby is home.

My son sent me an interesting 'tidbit' this morning - "You are not waiting for the right time, you are simply afraid. Fear is keeping you from your dream life. Saying you are just waiting for the right time is just an excuse."  And I know that it is true for me.  I'm afraid of the disagreement; I'm afraid of trying to do something for me without sustaining the value of someone else (you know what I'm saying).  Jealousy/envy, even when recognized, is still an ugly thing. Insecurity in who you are is also an ugly thing and it affects those around you in more ways than one.  I've not been hired at things I dearly wanted to do because of someone else's lack of recognition or fear. I've not been able to take classes I wanted to take because someone else insisted they do it as well 'with me'... so we can do it together.... and the cost was too high for two and I had to cancel.  I've sacrificed and gave up many, many things, only to be held back from so many things.  And now I don't have much of the fight within me.... unless it comes to my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren.  You want a fight about them?  Bring it on!

Psalm 145:1 (ESV):  I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever.

All praise, honor and glory belong only to God.  He is our Deliverer, our Shelter, our 'Nail in a sure place'.  I love that name for Him - 'Nail in a sure place'.  He is secure. He won't let me fall. He won't let me down.  I can hang on Him and be secure.  Good place to be, right?

And with that - gotta get off ere and get busy.  Have an amazing day and bring joy to someone today. I've heard a tidbit from my son - that's my joy.

Blessings!

It could be a long day

 because we didn't go to bed until around 10PM last night.  Why?  Because I was watching a movie when hubby got home and it was at the end.  He didn't remember it, and I liked it well enough to watch it again - so we did.  It's on Up Faith & Family (of course) and it's called Luckless.  It really is a cute movie.  

Got some 'new' coffee yesterday that I had ordered.  From an advertisement, no less.  It's called Ryze and it is a six mushroom combo of coffee.  It's supposed to bring clarity and focus and other good things. Well, I tried the first cup this morning.  (Hubby did too)  It reminds me of the flat, weak coffee that we usually get at a restaurant.  You know what I mean if you drink coffee at a restaurant for breakfast.  Rarely is the coffee good.  (But hubby did say the coffee at First Watch was really good last week.)  We will finish out this coffee batch (even if I'm the only one drinking it.  And since we are making it by the cup, I can have a cup of the Sumatra (deep, dark) if I choose a second cup.  I hope the hype about these work - I sure could use some clarity and focus!  It also had creamer with it, but it does have a few carbs.  May need to use it to see if changes the flavor (or gives it flavor) any.  It's drinkable, don't get me wrong.  But the first cup, although finished, isn't quite what I hoped it would be.  Will give it at least one package (we received two) before giving it a final grade.

Yesterday was a non-busy day again, and I will admit I didn't do much.  I mean, I stayed at the computer and worked on meetings that were given to me, went through emails, etc.  Had a meeting with my favorite boss and that went real well.  It was my review for last year and setting goals for this year. I never got around for setting goals yet for this year (other than retirement), but my boss did give me an 'exceeds expectations' as my 'grade'.  That means I will get a nice raise in another month or so. I forget when they come through.  Which reminds me, hubby asked me about the timing on the raises the other day.  I know he knows part of my check is diverted to my checking account and part to the joint account.  I will give him a 'raise' to the checking account once I see how much I end up with.  I don't expect much as financially things were tough within the company this past year.  But anything is nice.  I still need to set some goals - but what?  Let me know if you think of something that would enhance my job performance.  I'm at a loss, really.  Yes, I could take PowerPoint classes - and yes, I might do that just to get a general idea of presentations.  BUT, in the past when I've taken classes, it was to fulfill a requirement, but then they were never used in my job.  I did notice that my boss put down that my next step would be a promotion - but a promotion to what?   I would like to be given a project and let me 'own' it.  Does that make sense?  

Had one of my ocular migraines yesterday.  I had hoped that the chiropractor had worked on my neck enough that it would eliminate them, but this is the fifth one in three weeks and it was a doozey.  I was even left with a headache after this one.  I am beginning to think they are triggered by my constant looking at the computer.  Does that make sense?  Although I think I've had on the weekend or evening - but still, 40+ hours staring at the computer.... it all starts with like little star lights flickering over whatever I'm looking at.  When I get those I know it is on its way.  Then the jazzed lightning bolt happens and it moves its way across my vision, blocking what I need to see.  Definitely can not read when I get one of those.  It's better I just sit back and let it work its way across.  Takes about 20 minutes for it go away.  Yesterday I was left with a bad enough headache that I laid down for a few minutes.  I'm beginning to think I need to ask for a head scan - perhaps there is something pressing down on my visual vessels?  Or am I just grasping for reasons?  I've had testing on my eyes by my eye specialist; he diagnosed it as ocular migraines and said what I am experiencing is an occurrence for those who get them.  Oh joy.  I don't want to be like everyone else!  I don't want these!  There is no cure; there is nothing to take for it.  It's just a headache and even a pill would not help as it would take at least 20 minutes to be active and by then its gone anyway.  Oh well.  Part of my life for the rest of my life.  At least my neck doesn't feel as tight as it used to.  I have 3 more visits to the chiropractor; 1 tomorrow and 2 next week.  Then I think we're done.  My neck feels a lot better.  I still don't know how he can do what he does, but it must work.

Jeremiah 29:12 (NLT):  In those days when you pray, I will listen.

Yes, I've taken a scripture out of the context, and it can give one pause as to 'what does that mean?'  I think 'those days' can also be likened to 'these days'.  Do you agree?  Maybe I think that because when one prays, one does it with the thought that God would hear them.  Yes, sometimes we feel like our prayers are not going anywhere.  We feel like they hit the ceiling and fall the ground.  I get that.  I feel that way at times as well.  But what that happens, we may need to stop and reflect on our lives, to start with.  Are we living completely for God?  Have we accepted Jesus as Lord of our life?  Would you listen to someone if you were God and the person wasn't following you?  Granted, sometimes God does look down on us in His mercy and grace and answer our prayers.  But, Jesus says, i f you ask ANYTHING in my name then you have it.  Is that true?  Many of us would say no, it's not.  How many times have I prayed, and my prayers were not answered?  How many of you have prayed and your prayers were not answered, and you are following Him?   Many times we have prayed for healing, and it didn't happen.  Yet, there are times that we can pray that all the lights would stay green as we drive down the road and they are.  What's up with that?  Isn't a life more valuable then getting through the lights on the road?  

Of course it is!  But many times when we ask Jesus to heal someone or to do something for us, we ask amiss.  What does that mean?  We ask for what WE want, not for God's will to be done.  Sometimes God's will is to not heal, for that will bring Him greater glory when lives are changed through the un-healing.  Does that make sense?  God sees the bigger picture.  Many times when we lose someone we love and the pain of it seems so unbearable, and God seems so unfair.... but it is in those times that He draws near to you to help you walk the path of healing in the grieving.  It's ok to grieve.  Jesus wept at Lazarus' gravesite.  My heart is still grieving over the loss of my sister, the latest sibling to pass away.  Do I get angry at God because He didn't answer my prayer when I prayed so desperately for her to live?  No, I don't.  Because I know He sees the bigger picture.  I may never know why He didn't answer my pleas and my prayers for her healing.  I truly did believe she would be healed.  But the answer was 'No'.  I don't know why, but it was God's will her life ended.  I will never know the answer as to the why, I will only say that God is still God and He is still in control.  Nothing is too far from Him; His arm is not short.  I will still love Him; I will still trust Him; I will still follow Him; I will still live for Him.  God truly can heal your broken heart.  It doesn't mean that you don't love the person that passed away, but it means only that God's way was better for that one.  Sometimes we have to let go of what we hold on to.  It can change everything.

And with that - it's time to get on the work computer and get started on the day.  I'm tired, and I'm sleepy.  Wonder if I can get a short nap over the lunch time I usually don't take.  Not sure if hubby has a lunch/brunch plan today or not.  Hopefully I will focus on what I need to get done and get it done today. Hope you do as well.

Blessings!

It was 'different' than what I knew....

 I went to the chiropractor yesterday and wow - it is really evolved into more than just popping your back or neck or whatever into place.  Dr. E explained to me how he does adjustments.  He pulled out a spinal column model and showed me what he does.  He shows me this power-punch 'gun' that he uses.  Yes!  It's totally different!  He had me walk up to this 'table' that was upright.  Once up against it, he tilted the table until it was flat.  He aligns the spine with the legs!  I'm not sure how he can tell anything, for I'm fully clothed.  But he moves my feet, aligns my legs, then he uses the 'gun' to power punch (I think he said the 'punch' was 32 pounds pressure, but it didn't feel like it) the side of the spine.  He did a couple in the small of my back.  Then he went back to move my feet and 'align'.  Then he had me put my R or L arm above my head, then back down.  LOL He said when I do that, my right leg goes shorter.  I'm UNEVEN!!  LOL He punches a few times around my neck.  He listened to my story of how I think my ocular migraines started - and agreed it could possibly be what causes them.  I had had a bad one before I went to see him and still had the reside of it in the back of my neck.  He said my C1 and C2 were out of alignment - one to the left, one to the right. So he punched on either side of it and even at the base of the skull.  And he kept going back to my feet and aligning my legs every time.  I have no idea how that works.  I think he called it 'adaptive' or something like that.  He said a few weeks at 2 times a week and realigning my body with the punch should help me a lot.  I kid you not, I walked out of there feeling so 'free'.  As if all the pressures I had against me had dispated.  Does that make sense?  

And, of course, as I told hubby about that experience, he thinks he needs to go to him as well.  I'm not sure if he wants to check out this guy because he is in the office by himself (even his 'work room' has glass doors, anyone can see in, nothing is going to happen) and heaven forbid I should be alone with a man.  Maybe it would help him straighten up and not be hunching over.  Maybe it will help his legs straighten out.  It might be a good thing.  But why does he always have to do what I do?  

I think that has always been one of 'my' struggles in this marriage.  For me to do something on my own is nearly impossible.  Even if I step out and do it (i.e., the chiropractor because I need it), he wants to do it too.  I signed up for massages years ago; he had to do it.  (I cancelled, so he did too).  I think I'll hush on this subject; it does give me great pain in the memories.  I feel I have struggled to survive, to be 'me', for so many years, it grows wearisome.  Marriage does make two people one.... but it doesn't remove the identify of the two people.  Does that make sense?  Is it me?

I don't feel like I slept well again last night - once again the 'vow renewal' thing keeps coming up in my mind.  I surrendered it to God again this morning.  I've changed over the last 40+ years.  I rebel a lot more than I did then.  I sometimes still have to do things I don't want to do.  But the question is, why do I not want to do it?  Is it stubbornness of that I'm my own boss?  It isn't going to change anything.  Other than it will make hubby very happy.  Is it enforcing his control issues?  Is it my need to 'surrender'?  Why do I feel I'm being forced into something I don't want to do?  God and I have had quite the talk about it these past few days - and probably will continue to do so.  More than anything else, more than my getting what I want, more than me getting my own way, more than anything else..... I want to be obedient to God.  And to be obedient, sometimes I need to be submissive, even when I don't want to be.  So I laid it out before God this morning and asked Him to take it over.  If I need to do this, to keep hubby happy, I will do it.  Even though I don't want to.  It won't change anything. Life won't be different. I will perhaps withdraw a bit more as he asserts control 'in love'.  Unless you have walked in my shoes, you do not know what you are thinking about.  Would your spouse be willing to renew their vows with you?  Have you been obedient to God and treated them with respect and love?  Are there things you have not apologized - or forgiven - about?  We all carry these things with us.  We can only judge ourselves on how we would respond.  I must let go of the hurt and anger I know that is still within me and even more than just saying "I forgive", I must internally forgive.  Does that make sense?  I told God that if I don't have to do it and put myself through the emotions I know I will feel, I will trust Him to prevent us watching the message.  I know hubby is looking forward to it and talks about it frequently.  He can't wait.  So if it is to be or not be, it's up to God. I've surrendered.

My little sister is dealing with the same thing, only she is being really hard-nosed about it.  She feels that by just not watching it (he doesn't care, if she doesn't turn it on, he doesn't watch) she eliminates the 'problem'.  I have talked with her, asking her what does God want her to do - and it's interesting how our conversation goes.  I'm not saying she is right or wrong.  I'm not saying I am right or wrong.  But I truly believe that if we are not obedient to God in this, we are the ones at fault.  She recognizes that, yet refuses to submit in this area because she doesn't want her husband to think about .... whatever.  We don't go there.  But she wants to please God and follow Him, and yet, is this rebellion?  Am I rebelling?  God knows the past... and He knows the future.  He also knows the present.  All I can do is pray and surrender to Him.  That's what I'm doing. Stay tuned on this one; I may - or may not - share how it turns out.  If you are even interested.  It's a tough one.  The heart and mind are fighting.  Who will win?  We watch Jentezen Franklin most every week.  Just because he isn't preaching what we want to hear, we won't watch?  Hmmm sounds like a lot of us, doesn't it.  

I Corinthians 13:4-5 (NLT):  Love is patient and kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

This one is an 'ouch', is it not?  Did you feel your spirit being pricked?  Depends on who we are talking about, right?  It's easy for us to follow this verse for our children, and especially our grandchildren and great-grandchildren, no matter what they have done or said to us in years past or currently.  But now, our spouses, that is entirely different.  Right?  Do we not tend to 'hold back' on to our frustration, our anger, when they do something or say something we don't like - just to keep peace?  And then what?  We hold it inside and let it fester like a boil......until it explodes.  Sometimes we don't even recognize where our anger at another situation entirely that has nothing to do with the original anger situations - and we explode all over that person.  It could be the same person, or even someone we care about.  A friend, perhaps.   I think it is the 'it keeps no record of being wronged' that stays with us the longest.  We feel 'wronged' and we harbor it inside until it just lets go.  And then WE have to apologize!  When it wasn't our fault to start with!!  But all the time, we are the one who puts ourselves in bondage to the word spoken or action taken which we don't agree with.  

Oh that we could just easily let go of the things that hold us in bondage!  I imagine many of us have that problem.  And that's why I struggle with the vow renewal.  I've let the past harbor inside, and the hurt is still there.  Lord, help me to let it go.  Help me to forgive through You.  Please forgive for me, for I don't know how to let it go.  Take me out of the chains I have placed upon myself in bondage and set me free.  In Jesus name. Amen.

Have a day full of forgiveness, full of love, full of hope, full of faith.

Blessings!

Rushing through this morning

 I didn't linger in bed as I have been doing lately, hoping to fall back to sleep.  Admit it - 4AM is early to get up.  But I got up about 3:50AM - after all, I had awakened at 11; at 12:10; at 2, and by the time I woke up again, decided to just get up.  But since I want to read my Bible, spend some time with God talking with Him, (and/or writing in my journal), and writing in here, I need to keep moving.  I've shortened my time in some areas so that I can write in here before I leave.  Where am I going?  I let Morgan give me a 7AM workout time - taking hubby's place since he can't work out for another week - and here I am. I will have to stop about 6AM so that I can get ready and then get out the door by 6:30AM.  I'm only moving from my chair to my desk at 7AM!  So my eye is on the clock as I type.  And you know I put so much thought into these writings that it takes so much time.....  just saying. 

Yesterday was a good day.  For one, I finally got a call back from the chiropractor's office.  Ok, so I had only called on Monday, and it could have been a day off for the office.  The doctor actually called me back, which makes me wonder if he has an office staff.  Or maybe he only has one person and they are out. Whatever.  Anyway, he called me yesterday and I am scheduled for next Monday to get started.  He does take my insurance.  So why am I going to a chiropractor?  Because of my low back pain, mostly.  It has started to fade in that the inflammation has started to heal from whatever I did to it, but with that severe headache hitting me the other night, I think I need my neck tweaked too.  I'm always nervous when they pop the neck - yet I see people popping their necks on their own - and their backs!  I'm afraid if I did it I'd be paralyzed!  I still think that one of the massage therapists I had (and only used him once!) dug into my neck (because I frequently have tightness in my neck) and pulled on my skull - I honestly believe that what this did was start my ocular migraines.  I feel that he has a nerve pinched in there somewhere.  I'm hoping the chiropractor will be able to loosen up whatever is going on and I will be free of those migraines.  They don't hurt, but I flashing lightening bolts distort my vision unexpectedly.  Why also do I 'blame' the therapist that dug into my neck?  Because the next day I lost my vision in my right eye - for about 3-5 minutes.  Now this was probably 3-4 years ago and I've been dealing with ocular migraines ever since.  I told my eye specialist about it, but he can find nothing wrong with my eyes.  So I'm thinking it is some vessel in my neck.... ok - this may be far-fetched, but I would like the lightening bolts to go away!

I was alone last night and yet, I was productive.  Hubby went to meet his friend.  I worked about a half hour on the diamond art project I have going, then once hubby left, I decided I needed to finish pulling the message together for Sunday.  So then my youngest calls and we talk.  Then I knew I needed to call my little brother and check on him, so I called him and he said "I'll call you back" - so about 15 minutes later he did, and we talked.  He's doing ok thus far.  Had his 4th dose of radiation yesterday. Second dose of chemo will be Thursday.  So far he's ok.  Was told he'd start getting tired.  Then he laughed. The night before he came home, laid on the couch to watch TV - and didn't even get through the credits before he was sound asleep.  All I can do is pray for him, and that I do.

After talking to my younger brother I talked with my little sister.  By this time I was about half way through what I ended up with for the message.  The message is about listening.  Are we listening for God?  I talked with my little sister for awhile and then hubby got home.  I finished up the first draft of the message and then hubby and I talked for quite a while. He actually left the TV off when he got home. Yeah - pet peeve of mine. I may watch a movie on occasion when he's gone, but I love the quiet and ask for it frequently.  

A funny thing happened yesterday.  Well, it made me laugh.  One of the RV Park Church leaders called me yesterday (and hubby was sitting here talking to me while I was working), and said they were working on next season's schedule, and was I interested in continuing to come there and preach.  I told him yes.  We love the people there and after 12 years, have gotten to know several quite well.  He really made me laugh when he asked if I would be interested in taking all 22 weeks.  I told him that whatever they wanted me to do, I had nothing scheduled on the calendars that would prevent it at this time.  He mentioned the other three pastors that speak - well, they are older than I and have medical issues - and they want to start slowing down.  I need to see if I can find other pastors who are retired who would like to come speak there.  I had about 10 this season, I think.  I don't care where they assign me.  And, yes, it is a lot of work to pull together a message, especially when it is two weeks in a row.  Hubby made his comment once I hung up that he didn't think I should do it a lot because.. blah blah blah.  I told him that it energizes me and keeps me digging in the Word and learning.  It's like being bi-vocational - working a full time job and speaking on Sundays.  Many pastors have had to do that.  I have always been ok with it, but hubby never would allow me to be on staff somewhere if he wasn't also.  Long story, not going into it.  I just want to tell others about Jesus and His love for them, and share how to be His.  It isn't about me speaking.  I don't need to be 'up there' on stage.  I just want to help people find Jesus and change their lives to follow Him.  So I will continue to speak whenever they tell me.  I feel God will let me know when 'enough is enough' and I'm done.  But I'm hoping I can keep going for a few years yet.  

Psalm 33:4-5 (NLT):  For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does.  He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth.

Oh the joys of loving Jesus!  It doesn't mean one will have a perfect life, or that everything will go the way you want it to, but loving Jesus and Him holding you, well, there is nothing greater.  

Have you ever been somewhere and suddenly you felt enclosed in someone's arms, and yet, no one was near you?  Maybe your thoughts were of a loved one.  Those arms could be Jesus' arms encircling you, to let you know that you are loved.  Have you ever wondered how some people at funerals seem very calm and at peace?  It isn't because they didn't love the one who passed, it is because they know where they have gone, (heaven, in case you are wondering), and they know that Jesus has encircled them in His loving arms to comfort them.  After all, His Word says that He is near to the broken-hearted.  

Have you ever had your heart broken?  I have, many times.  How did I get through those times when my heart was broken and distraught?  By leaning into Jesus and allowing Him to comfort me, hold me, love me, and walk with me.  I tell you the truth; without Jesus, I would not be where I am.  And I leave it at that.  I have always said that I love Jesus, and I want to obey Him, more than I want my own way.  Life is not about me.  Life is all about Jesus.  That is the legacy I want to leave behind me.  It's all about Jesus.

Blessings!

I am at a loss...

 I have one granddaughter that I don't have much contact with as she lives in another state, and I have no idea what to send her and her little family for Christmas.  I think the problem is that whatever I send, I feel like it is not enough.  I've sent one small thing; perhaps I should let it go at that.  I know the past two years she has sent us very nice gifts that I've hung on the wall.  Is that why I feel guilty for not spending as much on them?  I thought I'd send gift cards - I sent cash last year.  I've sent a Danish to them this year already; and since I really do want to cut back; shall I let that be it?  I've looked on Amazon and elsewhere this morning to figure out something, but I don't know any sizes, I don't know any likes or wants, I haven't talked to them since they were here last.  Maybe I need to just let it go.  Quit feeling guilty.  

Yesterday went well at the RV park, and afterwards we did go to the Salvation Army church as well.  We went to lunch with our friends and had a great visit.  After we came home, instead of taking a nap which did sound good, I got busy and made about 14 pints of salsa.  Yes, I'm making smaller jars this year.  I have given all the grandchildren the recipe and they can make their own.  But I just couldn't NOT make it for them this year.  I may need to make another batch or two, and will, but at least I've gotten a good start. Besides, I need to take some to the office this Thursday when I go down for the Christmas party.  I have given up on the sausage and chocolate covered cherries.  It's just gotten too expensive.  I still want to buy the ham from 'grandma Hankins' - but I may need to let that go this year as well.  Grandma started sending me $5 to buy a ham for each of my children.  I take that $15 and more to buy one ham anymore.  Times three it is getting expensive.  Will figure it out. I don't know if I did it last year or not... the mind is the first to go they say....

Confirmed the two dates I have for the children and their families thus far - the oldest will come over for lunch on the 21st; she will let me know today what they want for lunch.  What is good is that the grandson is driving in the day before so that he can be a part of our Christmas before heading back home to have Christmas with his wife.  

The youngest child and his family is scheduled for the 30th, but at this time we are uncertain if lunch of dinner.  Not a big deal for me.  He suggested to have 'garbage' as it will be the easiest for me to make for either time, as it is cooked when it is put together; all we would have to do is heat it up.  Depends on what happens between the mother of the great-grandchildren - if she chooses to see them that week.  If not, we can do lunch.  If she does come down, it will be for dinner.  Either time is fine with me.  We are still uncertain about the future of the children, but I think I have the son assured that it will all work out; to not stress and be upset about it.  Let happen what will happen without all the stress that can be put into it. God is still in charge and after hearing this little girl pray the other day at the wishing tree, I'm asking God to answer her prayer..... but it will be in His time frame, not mine.  

I am sure the oldest son will find out this week what will be decided for his family.  I know it is hard because of our daughter-in-love's job and needing to work specific days.  It's also hard because he has family members that live in another city, other family members that work night jobs.  It's all good.  We are flexible this year.

And you know why?  Because God.  Five years ago I think it would break my heart to not have each family member here either Christmas Eve or Christmas day.  It would be unheard of not to come to 'Grandma's House' on the designated day.  My children know I love them.  I know I am loved by them. I don't have to have them cater to me to prove their love.  God has worked on me a lot over the years, and unfortunately, may still have a lot to work on within me.  But He is the One who made me realize that it is ok not to do Christmas on 'the day'.  I sometimes stress myself with starting to prepare meals, keeping an eye out for anyone arriving, and when they are here, I can't always enjoy the moment as some are thinking of where they have to go next and I'm wondering how long they can stay or when are they leaving so I can cover for the next group.  I feel it is tiring for them - and although I love cooking and preparing and making everything - I must admit I am not as young and 'spry' as I used to be.  

I have learned to 'let go' and 'let God' take care of all the arrangements.  I think it releases stress I place on my children to be with me, and in turn it releases their children to enjoy the holiday more.  I'm ok with spreading out Christmas.  Besides, that means I can focus on each family rather than rushing through one group to the next.  I'm actually happy about how things are being planned.  We are still included with their family; we get to see them all at one time. And we get to enjoy them.  I am at peace. And for me, that is important.   

I'm definitely grateful to God that I do not have to drive down to the office today.  Even in the mundane parts of the day, He knows and hears our prayers.  He knew I would go if I 'had to', but He also knew I didn't 'want to' do that drive today.  I will need to be on the computer all day as a backup for the powerpoints - but I don't have to take them over; unless the president's EA finds a reason she can't do one of them.  I'm not in the final preparation phases of these town halls and I get a bit anxious about them because I don't know all the plans and decisions made on presentations.  God works all things for His good - and for my good.  Grateful and thankful.

I Thessalonians 5:18 (NKJV):  In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

It doesn't matter whether it is good or bad, in everything we are to give thanks to God.  Why?  Because He will take even what we consider 'bad' and turn it into good.  We may not understand at the time, we may even be frustrated over the delay.  But when we give Him thanks for what is, He is glorified and blessed.  

I think back to the one year that I had as 'retirement' when I took early retirement from one company. I had laughed and said it may be the only retirement year I get - and it looks like I may be right - at least for awhile.  And you know what?  As much as I would like to NOT work, I need this job to keep my sanity.  Yes, I have hobbies and things I like to do, and have plenty of supplies to work with should I 'retire'. COVID really messed life up for everyone.  But I'm working from home; I do not have that long drive and have to drive downtown (where they moved us) in so much traffic.  I am permanently working from home.  Yeah, I find it difficult at times for I miss my social activities, but I live in jeans and t-shirts and if I need to get away from the computer for an appointment, I can do so easily and not have to take the day off work because I would need to go to the doctor.  

Yes, I have lots of things I NEED to do (yeah, the clutter) and WANT to do (make more blankets and quilts and learn how to do things; bake more, cook more, entertain more..... but, working also gives me freedom with 'my' finances.  I have spent way more than I should have this year - but you know what?  I don't care.  I didn't go into debt; everything is paid for.  God has blessed us and provides all that we need.  I want to bless our family and friends in return.  Next year I will cut back.  I know, I've said it before.  But I'm going to figure out what to make for each one as the year goes by; get it done, and finish the gift with a gift card.   I quit shopping (except for trying to figure out the one granddaughter) a week ago.  I haven't tried to find 'one more thing' for anyone.  I just quit.  I over-bought and I will pack those away for another year or if I hear of a family in need of hoodies, I can pass them on.  God will take what I have and use it; He will let me know for whom it is for.

I'm now focusing on meals and what to fix.  Want to make sure I have everything to prepare it. I plan to enjoy this season of having my family near and celebrating this season.   And on Christmas Day, I can focus on the REASON for the season.  Novel thought, isn't it? I tried to read the 'Christmas story' when I do my quiet time on Christmas morning.... but my thoughts are on what I need to get done.  This year, we will have the day to ourselves pretty much... and that's ok.

Jesus is the REASON for the season.  Let's keep our eyes on Him.  Thank You, Jesus, for coming to earth, to save someone like me, that I can live with you eternally.  I love you.

Blessings!

It still feels like something is inside...

 At times it really does!  This morning, just sitting here, there is this one bump that tingles.  Really weird. Obviously I am keeping tabs on my leg and whatever is going on with it.  I wanted to give the antibiotics time to work - and this is day 4 for the cephalexin and day 3 for the dox-something.  The color has gone down but the spots are still there and like I said, I get this tingling and a pin prick ever so often in a couple of them.  One photo I took (yes, I have been taking pretty much daily photos of these spots) show that some of the bumps are getting a white tip on them.  I don't know. Perhaps I need to read up on scorpion bites and see if that is really what it is.  After all, the NP at urgent care voiced scorpion bites but wrote down 'insect bite'.  RME.  I'm trying to tell myself that all the twinges of pain and the tingling is healing and nothing else.   I really do not believe a scorpion can sting 10-12 times (yeah, found a couple more bumps) in such a short time - and let's not forget the 3 bites that broke the skin.  It's all really weird and I'd love answers to my questions on it.  I go back to the dermatologist on Monday.  If it keeps improving I'll wait until then, but he did instruct me that any problems go to ER and not to urgent care.  

I did tell hubby last night about the December 3rd surgery.  Yes, he got a bit hyper about it, but I kept assuring him it is just a precautionary thing, they will dig at the spot and check tissue and then will stitch it up and send me on my way when it is determined it is fine.  He was insisting at first he would stay the entire morning I have it done, but after talking with my daughter (she had something removed recently by this dermatologist) and she said that after the surgery we are taken to another room to wait until the tissue gets examined, I explained that to hubby and he agreed he would wait with me until I get it done then will leave until I call him to come pick me up.   Say prayers that all is well - much appreciated.

Finally got the dates we will be heading to New Mexico for Thanksgiving.  My daughter and I had a talk about it last night and I shared my feelings about going. And I'll leave that right here.  I would love to see the grandson and his wife.  I am just not looking forward to the trip.  My brother always says having guests are like fish; after three days they start smelling.  I realize it is a long trip but.... 12 hours one way is a long drive.  I will need to put in for my PTO today and get my boss to approve it.  One thing for sure; I'll either get a lot of crocheting done or a lot of reading - or both!

Galatians 6:9 (NLT):  So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.

As I sit here and think about that verse, I can see two sides of it.  Sometimes we keep doing and keep doing and keep doing for people and it seems like they just keep taking and taking and taking - and never changing, never stepping out to do for themselves.  All they want is the handout.  I think we all know those type of people.  They may - or may not - do for others, but they always have a hand out for themselves.  So does that mean that we need to quit helping them?  According to this scripture, if it is for good, we are not to quit helping them, for our own blessing will come in time. But, I also feel that we need to look at those we are contributing to.  Are they trying to do better, or get on their feet, or whatever.... or are they just letting you 'parent' them and take care of them?  There are people like that in this world, unfortunately.  We see it all the time on the news, don't we?  We know people who will not work to make their lives better; they want things handed to them. Usually from the government or charity places.  They become 'entitled'.  I think that is the word, isn't it?  We are not 'entitled' to anything.   

Don't get me wrong - if I hear of someone in need, I will be first in line to help however I can.  I can't always give financially, but I can help in other ways.  I've given sets of dishes and silverware, We've given furniture.  We help in other ways.  And I am sure that you do the same.  Sometimes money isn't what they need; they may just need someone to walk the journey with them.

Like my friend Melonie. Her husband passed a couple years ago unexpectedly.  She is still grieving and I try to meet up with her occasionally, not only because she is my friend, but because she also needs to know that someone cares.  I can only understand in part of what she is going through.  But I can listen, and I can hug, and I can love.  Sometimes that is all we are called to do.

It won't be long before the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays are upon us.  This year has truly been flying by fast.  I'm trying to work past the 'work Thanksgiving/Christmas party' on November 7th. UGH I still don't want to go.  I don't want to drive downtown.   Thanksgiving out of town, and I'm also trying to figure out how we are going to do Christmas with the family.  I want to accommodate everyone, of course.  I think we are going to move the daughter and her family past Christmas as their family will be doing their own thing in different parts of the country.  They will be alone for Christmas, I think.  So many variables within the families this year.  Closer to time when they all know what they are doing, then I can figure out how we can work it all out.  It's not a problem. I just want it to be easy and fun for everyone.  Going to 'grandma's house for Christmas' has lost it's appeal over the years.  No one's fault; it is just the way life is.  It's just hard for me to let go, for I love my family so much and want to be in 'life' with them and make memories.  

And with that, I need to get off here and finish up my time alone and get the work computer up and going.  I have lots of things I need to get done today.  Hope you have a good day and are productive!

Blessings!

Desperation

 Last night I started reading a book about Solitude and Quietness.  As I read it, and once again the desire to take time to be in solitude and quietness came upon me,  I began to pray that God would make me desperate for Him.  By that I mean that instead of finding other things to do, my desire will only be to be with Him.  In solitude and quietness, that is a good place to start.  I long to break away from my daily routine and grab my Bible, my journal, a bottle of water, and a pen.... and just be alone with God.  

Sometimes it is easy to come into His Presence and spend time with Him.  The hard part is having to break away and get busy with daily tasks.  That is why I always long to get away and just 'be' with Jesus.  I'm so looking forward to when we go on vacation in a couple weeks so that I can have that extended time.  We call times like this more of a retreat than we do a vacation.  We read our Bibles more - and longer times.  We write in our journals more.  We take time to be alone with God, and we take time to listen to what He wants to tell us.  

I literally 'live' for these times that I can have all the time I want to rest and listen and talk with God, and hear His voice once again above the busyness of life.  Above all the things going on in my life.  Above the thoughts of work, of struggles, of issues.  Life is hard, and the only One who can bring Peace in the storm, is Jesus.

I recognize this morning that although I have said I have forgiven some things, but am cautious, I am thinking that perhaps I haven't totally forgiven the hurt.  I haven't forgiven completely the injustice.  I haven't forgotten the incident.  I need to totally give it over to Jesus and let it go out of my mind and not dwell upon it; not use it as an excuse to withdraw.  I cannot judge that person and what they did to me; I must let Jesus work in this situation and make it right; I must give it up to Him and allow Him to open their eyes to see the things they have said and done.  I need to change how I think about it; I need to stop verbalizing what happened.  Each time it reopens the wounds.  I need to let it go.  (what movie does that bring to mind?  'Let it go, Let it go, I don't need this anymore!')

I John 4:4-6 (NKJV):  "You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.  They are of the world. Therefore they speak as of the world, and the world hears them. We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error."

I John 4 was a great chapter to read this morning in line with my thinking last night.  I especially have to remind myself frequently of "Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world".  

I Peter 5:8 (NKJV):  "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour."

What that is saying is that we need to be walking with our eyes open for the devil is always looking to get a foothold on someone and drag them down to his level.  Remember that Jesus is always greater than the devil.  When Jesus is living in you, you can fight off anything the devil throws at you. Stand firm.

We know how the world ends - Jesus wins - and when Jesus lives in us, we win too.  Thank You, Jesus! I like being a winner!

Desperate.  When was the last time you were desperate for something?  Did you have a longing within your hear that there was something you really, really, wanted?  Was that all you could think about?

What if you turned that feeling into a desperate longing for Jesus?  Do you not know that He alone can satisfy every feeling, every longing, that you may have?  Jesus alone is your rescue.  

My prayer for you is that you will feel a desperate longing to know Jesus personally; that whatever is dragging you down, you lay it at the foot of the cross.... and leave it there.  Sometimes we have to take that bag of burdens and lay it down many times, because we keep picking it up (as in not letting go of the pain and some unforgiveness we all carry with us) when we lay it down.  I want to let it go and let God take care of my pain, my anger, my hurt, my frustrations, my anguish.  You know I have a lot of them for I have shared them many times.  More often than I should have.  And every time I do, I pick it up again.

Father, today, I lay down everything I keep carrying around with me.  My shoulders are not big enough to carry it all and it just weighs me down and makes me miserable.  I ask that You put desperation for You into my heart, soul, and mind.  Make me desperate for You, Jesus.  That You are my focus, and whenever these things come to mind, I will step into solitude and quietness of my mind and soul, and release them to You once again.  You told me to forgive 70 x 7... and it's hard.  But I trust in You and I believe You will help me get past those things that trouble and hurt me.  Thank You for taking my burden from me, Lord, and giving me peace in my soul.  I love you, Jesus.  Thank You for forgiving me of my sins; help me to forgive others as You have forgiven me.  Amen.

So ready for solitude and quietness.  Find some time for yourself, that you can be alone with Jesus.  He truly is all you need.

Blessings!

Another thought...

 has gone by the wayside.  I had one last night.  I had a topic for this morning.  But what it was, has escaped me.  I'm trying to 'go back' in my mind to what I was doing yesterday/last night, hoping that might trigger that amazing thought I wanted to share this morning. Hmm.  nothing is happening.

Spoke with my little sister yesterday and we talked at length.  She has called the detective who was investigating our older sister's death, since it was not by 'natural causes'.  Seems he wasn't aware of a few things.... things like both her hands were crippled because of RA and because she had broken both of them in her falls and they wouldn't set them because of the arthritis.  Therefore, she had to hold things with both hands.  How could she open the lid of a bottle that had a child safety cap on it?  How could she carry the cup from the kitchen?  So much she shared.  I'm concerned, yes, but if the nephew did play a part - and we have imagined all sorts of things that could have happened, all they could do is commit to the mental hospital for the rest of his life.  He has spent all but about a week in the hospital since our sister passed.  I don't want to think he could have played a part ... but I know it is very possible.  None of us feel our sister did this on her own.  She would haved OD'd on her pills, which would have allowed her to go to sleep and not suffer with her body shutting down.  She would never have chosen this way.  She wasn't depressed.  I talked with her the day before.  She was frustrated her only source of entertainment was out - the TV.  The nephew said she was bored, and that's why she did it.  I don't think so.  I want to call her and ask what is going on; what really happened.  But, that is impossible.  

Taking my car in for an oil change and rotate the tires this morning.  I scheduled the appointment for 7AM so that I could drop it off (especially after scheduling it early the LAST time and sat there for 5 hours!) and hubby could bring me back home.  Not going anywhere today that I know of.  Praying they don't find anything wrong and will get my car back quickly.  A plus, they always wash the car after working on it - and even though I had it washed a week ago, it got 'caught' in the sprinkles a couple days later.  This will wash the dirt off.  The dealership is always sending me stuff or calling me and texting me - they want me to trade my car in and get a white SE with 2K miles less and 2 years newer.  I keep telling them NO, my car is paid off, there is only 2K miles different, and my car is blue and better!  I don't want nor need a car payment.  

I had a revelation of sorts yesterday afternoon.  Now, don't laugh, just because I am an old woman who refuses to 'be' old.  I've often talked about exercise and working out and eating right.... yeah... probably more than you want to read about.  I have signed up for more diet plans and more exercise programs that I don't do after one or two than I want to admit to.  I always dream of that 'bikini body' and the flat belly and strong arms and legs.  After all, I'm supposed to work out, remember?  I need strong bones.  As I was sitting in my chair, I don't know what triggered the revelation, but all of a sudden I felt God told me - I can't think of the exact words now, but it was as if the realization that at MY age of 72, almost 73, I could have a bikini body if I really dieted and worked hard at it.... but WHY put myself through that intense workout and diet?  I will NEVER wear a bikini again, not even in front of hubby!  So why would I strive to get one?  Yes, 40+ years ago I did wear a bikini... but I don't even get in the sun anymore!  I.don't.need.to!

I do need to do exercise to build up my bones.  I do need to eat right so that I can be healthy.  But I do not need to try and get a 'six pack' because although I COULD do that, I don't need to.  Yes, I need to lose the belly and butt fat... and if I workout normally and eat right (and less!) I can do that.  I don't have to be bone thinn.  Which means I can save money on these silly exercise programs that keep drawing me in to 'be' that skinny and strong woman.  What a relief!  What a 'letting go' relief of I only need to be me.   It's not so much as I'm 'old'; I need to accept myself and take care of myself in a healthy way.  So grateful that hit home.  

Accepting myself just as I am.  I ask God to accept me as I am, why can't I accept my body as it is?  Yes, it can be made healthy and strong, and I need to work at it.  But in the meantime, I need to accept myself.  I've always had weight battles or size battles with my sisters.  At one time - a long, long, time ago - I was at 113 pounds and a size 5.... I'm way beyond that now.  But I am loved by my family just as I am; I'm not in a competition anymore.  I am the smallest female in my family, even though I don't weigh the less.  Reminds me of the pin my daughter-in-law gave me years ago.... wish I knew what happened to it.... "You are not what you weigh"  or something like that.  It seems more that it was something of "Who you are in the inside is more than what you weigh"...  wish I could remmber what it actually said, but even then, many years ago, I was 'all about my weight' and she reminded me my weight didn't matter; who I was in the inside was what matttered.  I think it finally sunk in yesterday. And that is a good thing.

Hebrews 12:1-2 (NKJV):  "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Set aside every weight.... set aside anything that weighs heavy upon you, and the sin that so easily ensnares us.... let it go.  Let go of the unrealistic thoughts we have that make us miserable because we know we won't achieve them... not that we can't... but we won't put forth the effort.

Going back to school... we could find a way... but don't want to put for the effort to apply and figure out what to do.

Getting a new job...  sometimes we should... but we have a job so why do we need to look for one mindset.  Maybe we need to find something we can be passionate about.

Losing weight... yeah, I'm going there. ..   quit competing with others and focus upon yourself and being the person - and size - that God created you to be.  He will cause the weight to fall off if eating healthy and moving.

................   you can fill in the blank.  What do you hold on to that ensnares you and holds you captive because you don't want to do what you need to do to make it happen?   Is it an apology?  Is it attention?  What holds you captive in your thoughts and non actions?  

"Let it go...Let it go... You don't need it anymore..."  Be who God created you to be.  Let go of the things that hold you captive.  I am.

Blessings!

The study continues....

 As I have shared in here, this 90 day Bible study I've been doing has been helpful in my letting go of some thing - some things that I need to do yet (like purge my closet and drawers - hey, I DID go through the drawers in here and filled up a box for Savers!), changing the way I do some things.... and today's lesson was another tool to learn.  This week has been about financial wellness.  I think we are in the best place we have ever been financially - not that we have a lot, for sure - but that we are not living from paycheck to paycheck as we have in the past.  Times when I wasn't sure what I could fix for dinner - I've mentioned before as well how I have learned how to 'cook from scratch' because we didn't have some things.  And that's ok.  That is how I learned how to cook - and love to cook.  

One of the things the book talked about was looking at the things we buy.... do we really NEED them... or is it only because we WANT them?   Yeah, I'm good at thinking I 'have to have' something.  But, honestly, I have gotten much better.  That's because when we moved here, I had to let go of so many things - and you will never understand how much it hurt to let go of things I have held on to for years because of what they reminded me of.... but you know what?  There are just THINGS.   And I still have a lot of THINGS that I wish I WOULD let go of.  All they are doing is taking up space.  

Don't you even go thinking I'll get rid of my books!  At least for now.  I have donated boxes upon boxes of my books over the years.... most I don't even remember the title of.... and some that I let go of and wish I didn't because I wanted to re-read it - well, I find I can go to www.thriftbooks.com and get what I want for sometimes $3-4 - depending on what it is.  So if I see a book I want to read, I check Amazon first to get the going price, then I check thrift books - and if the price is much cheaper, and I really do want to read it - I order it, many times saving $10-15.  (Is that rationalization for buying the book?)   And if I don't save that much, I check out the Kindle price. :-)  I do love my books, and I wish I had more time to read... and I am just going to have to 'make the time'.

I got to share a story yesterday with my boss and friend over lunch....THEY were talking about purging their closets and giving suits and really good clothes to specific charities (i.e., 'Dress for Success', and homes that house abused women and men, others that help them get on their feet).. and with not going into the office, they had realized they don't need all the suits they had; they could get buy with one or two.  Shoes they are working on.  LOL  I got rid of about 20 pair of shoes when we moved, but I'm sure I could 'lose' a few more.

Anyway, I think I have shared this story in here before, but I will share it again.  It always brings a laugh when I share it with others.  Maybe it will bring a smile to your face.  I had this one glass platter that my mother had given me.  I rarely used it, because I really didn't need it.  BUT, my mother had given it to me so I felt like I had to keep it - after all, one of my children might want it because my mother had given it to me.... my little sister set me straight one day when I was sharing I didn't really have a place to put this precious platter that my mother had given me.  She responded, "Mother didn't buy it FOR you, she bought it at a yard sale!  When you mentioned it was pretty, Mother told you to take it.  She didn't specifically choose it for you..."  Well, that changed everything, and I was able to let it go.  

And I do that with things my children and hubby have given me as well.  I used to put away the nice things I received and not use them, cause after all, I don't deserve to have nice things, and I could get by with what I have.  And one day I realized that these nice things were given to me because I was loved, and my children and hubby wanted me to have them.  They were for MY use... not to be passed on after I'm gone.  So I now use those things others have given me that I enjoy.   I take the time to use that lotion; I wear that jewelry; I wear those socks for everyday.  They were given to me for my enjoyment - and I do enjoy wearing them.  For a long time I would pack away in my cedar chest t-shirts that my military son sent me when he was serving overseas - why?  I don't know.  So I wear them now.  Yes, they remind me of him, but why would I want to save them instead of wearing them?   

All I can think of is that when I was growing up, I had very little.  My clothes were generally bought from Goodwill.  Until I started working at W.T. Grant at age 15 1/2, I had two dresses to my name.   I had no clue that it made any difference, it was just the way I was raised.  I wore one dress Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and then switched to the other dress Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  They were washed on Saturday, then on Sunday I would wear the 2nd dress the beginning of the following week, and switch off to the other on Wednesday.  I never thought I didn't have anything; it was the way we lived.  It was what I had.  I wore pedal pushers - which are now called capris - and the funny thing is, I don't even like them now.  I never owned a pair of jeans until I was married.  I was barefoot when I wasn't at school or church so shoes - well, if we had two pair, we were 'rich'.  Once I started working, my mother took my check and would buy me a 'suit' and by my Junior/Senior year of high school, I was able to dress in a different outfit every day.  She occasionally gave me a portion of my check, which I usually spent on my little brother, Buddy.  I remember the Green Beret uniform I bought him, and had his picture taken in it.

Ah... my thoughts are wandering this morning, aren't they?  Today's study was more on the financial part - saving instead of spending, adding $50/month to the mortgage principal will pay off your house as much as 7 years earlier and save a lot of money.  I would love to do that - but hubby won't let me have the bills - that's his control.  He once said that if I took it away from him, he may as well die as that is all he has.  Sad, isn't it.  But as long as the bills get paid, albeit not when I would pay them, which is when I get paid and not when it is the due date.... I'll let him pay the bills.  I will always regret throwing the checkbook at him to figure out how to pay the bills when he refused to find a job.  Another story... needs to be let go of.  

Anyway... my thoughts are not focusing on what I thought I'd share today so I am going to hush and go dry my hair - yep, it's 'pill day' so took my shower at 4AM after taking it.  

So perhaps after reading this you think of things you are holding on to because 'someone dear to me gave it to me'... but if you aren't using it, why hang on to it?  It's the memory you hold within that counts.  The material things I have (and still do) hold on to, will not have the meaning to my children that it has to me.  Some things I hang on to just because they are nice and some day I may need it.  Or there is some memory attached to it.  The more I can get rid of now... the less my children have to deal with when I'm gone.  I'm sure they would appreciate not having to go through things they cannot understand why I hung on to them.  Why put that burden on them.... someone can use what I have and if I'm not using it, they can.  

I've even taken to using my real china frequently.  I love my 'everyday' dishes - but sometimes it is nice just to use something different.  They are treasured, as they were hubby's parents' china set - but many pieces have broken and I found they were quite expensive to replace, so quit doing that.  And I've decided that if they break, it's ok.  It's a material thing.  One of my Christmas glasses got broken over this holiday.  My first thought was 'I need to buy another set of four so that I can have a complete set'.  For one broken glass.  And then my second thought was 'you have 11 glasses; the most you use at one time is 10.  You do not need to buy any more glasses; once they are gone, they are gone.'.  And you know what, I'm ok with that second thought.  It's a material thing; I enjoy using them, but I don't NEED them.

So I think I'm going to set a goal of 'letting go' of things in 2022.  And not buying so much.  Saving money.  Giving to those in need more.  

What about you?   

Blessings!

Busy weekend; busy week ahead....

 This past weekend was a fun weekend for me, for the most part.  As I shared before, I got to spend one day with my boss at the Christmas Ideas House, and then the next day had lunch with a doctor friend (who actually delivered two of my grandchildren!) that I still work with, my boss, and another friend.  Yesterday was another busy day in that I got to take care of a great-granddaughter for the very first time!  Yep - I got to watch her for several hours while mom and dad went to see a concert.  It truly went well - but wouldn't you know it, she was starting to get tired and as mom and dad pulled into the driveway, she started crying - and was crying as they came through the door.  My first words were "honest! she didn't start crying until you pulled into the driveway!"  I enjoyed my time with her, and of course she had my undivided attention all afternoon so I did nothing else - a novel thing for me.  

Today I'm back to work - but I do have two appointments.... one medical and one for pleasure.  I get a massage tonight - and probably one much needed.  With having the osteopenia, I suppose I need to stop the deep massages that I like so well.  But I can still get the firm ones, I believe.  Of course hubby has to have his appointment right after mine so that we can go together - so both of us lose two hours.  Heaven forbid that one of us should have someone else do the massage and go at the same time.  He refused; he had to have the same person I selected - and we haven't even been to this place before!  I just picked a place closer to us as where we used to go is quite a drive now.  And.... I've started to ramble already - what's up with that?

I am reading a couple books here in the mornings, a chapter or two in each (why can't I just stick to one so that I can finish it?!)  Both intrique me.  One is 'Fasting through the Lord's Prayer' and the other is 'An Appeal to Heaven'.  As it is less than a month when we begin our 21 day fast for 2022, I have been reading different books on Fasting.  Some have been thought-provoking, some informative, and some even have me wanting to start NOW.  If I HAD to, of course, I would start now, but it's Christmas!  Fun foods, good foods, lots of cookies and candies - homemade at that! - how can I start now?  Speaking of which, need to figure out which - if any - of the grandchildren want to come bake cookies.  This is the first year I think I will be down to one, perhaps three, grandchildren.  An era has come close to an end.  My prayer is that the tradition of baking cookies together at Christmas will continue as they create their own families.  We've had some fun times over the years.  Since one group of grandchildren won't be over, I sent cookie dough to them and suggested they make their own.  I don't know if they did or not, but one grandchild did send a text and thanked me for the cookie dough, so I can assume he did make cookies.

Back to the books I'm reading, they are beginning to stir my heart again for intercessory prayer.  Over the years things have happened that crushed my spirit and I must admit I haven't prayed as I should.  Oh I still pray, but the gift of intercession has waned.  My broken heart would not allow me to dive into prayer like I used to - and I have truly missed it.  I feel smothered, buried, forgotten and left behind.  I need a revival in my soul and I am beginning to feel the embers start to burn again.  Unless you have experienced what life is, you cannot understand the depth of what I have just written.  Life is hard, I am sure you will admit that.  But instead of focusing on what is happening TO us, we need to focus on what is happpening THROUGH us.  

I can't tell you what to do to regain your spiritual fervor again.... if you feel you are right where you need or want to be - hallelujah!  But I'm not where I want to be.  It will take some adjustments, for hubby and for me.  It can mean making adjustments in your own life.  It means purging things of the past and getting through them.  It means repenting and repairing.  It means letting go of the past so that the future can be grabbed ahold of.   Oh the future that one can have when it is secured in Jesus!  Life may not be perfect in our eyes, but it is perfect in His.  He can take every pain, every sorrow, every heartache, every bit of anger, every bit of distrust, and turn it into a glorious and rewarding thing.

As the new year approaches, perhaps one can begin thinking of what changes one should make in ones' life.  This has been a year of intense struggles fo me (in my opinion), but it hasn't been to Jesus.  The problems I have gone through are things that I need to learn - and some that I perhaps need to go back to the beginning of the year and read my rambling blogs so that I remember what He has taken me through.  And be thankful.  And be repentful.  And be open to Grace.

Yes, we are just in the single digits still of the last month of 2021... but may I suggest that you begin thinking about where this year has taken you, what have you gone through, think about the plus and minus things .... and determine how you want this year to end.  And how you want 2022 to begin.  I want it to begin on a positive note, but even more than that, I want it to begin with my life surrendered to whatever the Lord has for 2022.  Regardless of what I may have to go through; regardless of what journey the Lord will lead me to, my prayer is that I will lay down my life and allow Him to work through me to touch others for Him.

Jesus is all that we need in this world.  We've put Him on the shelf so many times - (not speaking just of me - but of you too).  It's so easy to put Him out of sight and just go with our own emotions and feelings - when He is the one who created those very same emotions and feelings.  We can learn from them; we can grow from them; or we can wallow ... I've seen what wallowing in the past does to people.  Things that happened  50 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, last year, or even yesterday..... turns you to unflavored salt (like Lot's wife when she looked back) in our own life.  

One thing I heard someone say (or I read it)... that makes real sense.  "You can't go back and change what happened in the past.... but you can change how your response to the future will become."  I am choosing a deeper future.... one that is relinquished to whatever God wants of me.  I can't change my past; I can't change how I reacted or how I felt in the past.  But I can change how I will live in the future.  Free of my past.  As the saying goes... "if it's to be, it's up to me.... with God's help."

Things to ponder on, don't you think?  One thing I do know, and that is when we confess our sins, our anger, our bitterness, and those things we know are not of God, to Him, He takes them and remembers them no more - as far as the east is from the west.  I am so grateful that when I confess those things I've done (and the devil will constantly remind you of them and tell you that you can't change, that you can't be forgiven for it), when I confess, God takes that confession and throws it to the wind - and remembers it no more.  So when the devil tells you that you aren't good enough, that your sins and rebellion can not be forgiven, remind satan that He was defeated on the cross and that Jesus has forgiven you, and you will not carry that bag of sin around you any more.  You left it at the foot of the cross, and there is remains.  It doesn't mean we won't suffer the consequences of those sins... but it means that we have One who took those sins upon Himself on the cross, so that we don't have to carry them any more.

Start packing your bag with confession of whatever is troubling you.  Jesus forgives.  Let Him take your bag and remember it no more.

Blessings!

Can I let it go?

 My lesson today in my study really hits home.   The title of this day's reading is 'Give away everything you can'.  Wait!  What?  Give away everything I can?  But I like all my 'stuff'!  I might need it sometime, or someone else will need it some time, so don't I need to hang on to everything 'just in case' so that I can be the 'knight in shining armor' to give to them?  

I know, I've talked about this topic several times the past few years.  Even now, sitting here in this room I feel enclosed.  I have on my left a bookcase (full of books, notebooks, papers, etc.), then I have my work desk with the computer, monitor, and papers, etc. stacked on it.  Then there is that picture still on the floor, still waiting to be hung up - whenever I find a place to put it.  Then there is a chest of drawers that I keep my clothes in for convenience (I also have the dresser back in the master bedroom, but it has now become a storage unit).  Then in the corner is a large stack of wrapped Christmas gifts.  Then a nightstand with books and things stacked on it.  Then the bed - and do I even need to go there - which is totally covered with Christmas stuff to be wrapped, wrapping paper, etc. - then another night stand with books and things stacked on it.  In the corner is my prayer corner.... which I can't get to because my weight bench is in the way, along with my weights.  But I can't use it becaues all around the weight bench are Christmas gifts that are wrapped, and a blow-up bed I am supposed to ship to my older sister.  Then here on my right is another table with a lamp so that I can see to read or writem, here next to my chair.  Do I feel cluttered in this room?  Absolutely!  So as I look around, what would help clear it out?

Well, I've already started taking wrapped Christmas gifts to the garage and stack out there.  But I don't have room for these yet.  I'm working on all that is laying on top of the bed.  UGH.  I have no clue how to get rid of this 'stuff'!  But I shall persist.

John (the Baptist) answered, "The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same....."

(Jesus said) "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.  For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."  Luke 3:11: 6:38

Although we think we are happier with all the things that we have - how often do we use it?   The key to minimizing clutter and keeping an orderly home is a resolute commitment to give away everything you can.  Give, give, give - give until it hurts.  And because sometimes it hurts, you will think twice about accumulating next time.  Go through your house room by room and see what you can get rid of.  Give it away - of course if you have a financial need, have a yard sale or sale on ebay or Craig's list.  But let it go.

Go through clothes, things, books, cds, movies - things that we allow to just be in our way.  If you have two of something - give one of them away.  You will be blessed as you give to others who are in need.  Focus on the joy of giving, not on the letting go.  I know it will hurt - I don't think anyone knows how much it hurt me to let go of things when I moved!  Even now I have twinges of pain when I think of all the things I had collected over the years - and I gave it away because I had no place to put it.  Oh my goodness, just think what my house would look like if I had insisted on keeping everything!  Even now I know I have too much 'stuff' - and I wish I knew someone who needed some things for I would be happy to give to them some of it! (notice I didn't say all).  

Even if I don't have some ONE to give it to, why not give to an agency that will use it for good for others?  In my research of where to donate where it will do the most good, I've found The Salvation Army is the best charitable place - they give all the 'profits' they make to help others.  Goodwill is personally owned and is for profit; they help only themselves.  Savers supports Big Brothers Big Sisters, but how much really gets there?  I've often donated to The Upward Foundation for they call about every 3-6 months and ask if I have anything -and they pick up.  

This day's reading really hit home with me and I need to at least plan to fill one box with things by the end of the  week that can be given away.  I bet I can get hubby to go through his things as well.  The hardest thing for me to let go of would be my books - I love my books and frequently will pull out one I've read years ago to re-read.  But we do have a lot of CDs and movies that we should let go of.  Our 'smart TV' doesn't need a VCR or DVD player.  I do still have my little TV - which - it has been two years or more since I used it... sigh.... I want to get it in here (yeah, where?) so that when I want to watch something I can get away... but do I need to keep it?

So.Much.Stuff.  I need to clean out my closet too.  I enjoy my t-shirts - but do I need all of them?  I remember a friend who cleaned out her closet one time - she said she looked at each top - and if it had a stain on it, even if it was her favorite top, she put it in the bag to give away.  I have soooo many t-shirts that I've spilled things on that didn't come out but I don't want to get rid of because.... why?  I have no idea why.   UGH.  I hate letting go!  It's MY stuff!

But for me to feel better mentally - and emotionally - I need to let it go.  And it's not only material things - it is the things I hold on to within me.  I'll not elaborate on that.  At least not today.  Today it's all about the material stuff.

And because I read about it in my study, it gave me something to write about.  So I'm going to challenge myself - and challenge you.  By the end of this week, fill one box with things that you can give away - and get rid of it.  I'm in.  Are you?

Blessings!

Week Two... wonder how it will go....

 As if you were wondering, I took week two pill today of the Fosmax.  The first week has not been so good, but part of it I have contributed to being in a different time zone and the long trip home.  What do I mean?  This past week I have been physically and mentally exhausted.  Well, that is how I have felt.  Even through yesterday I could not get enough sleep.  I would go to bed at 8PM and even though I would get up at 4AM to spend time with God, I would read a little and go back to sleep for a half hour or more.  Deep sleep.  I just could not wake up.  I am hoping that the pain I felt in my legs and neck do not return; and I hope that, even though today I still feel very tired, I will soon regain the focus and energy that I feel has been depleted.  

I didn't sleep well last night for a couple reasons.  My favorite boss is heading out this way for a tour of one of our skilled nursing facilities.  Our original plan was that she is 12 minutes away so we need to meet up for brunch.  That plan worked well until I had to schedule a critical meeting during that time and there was no other place to put it.  So we left it that we'd have to not meet.  So why didn't I sleep and what did that have to do with it?  I laid awake trying to figure out a way that I could meet up with her.  After all, I do have her birthday present still that I haven't seen her to give to her.  And Saturday is also 'Boss's Day' so I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that.  Especially now that I have three bosses.  I think that I will just send a card to each one.  Maybe I'll run to the drugstore sometime today and pick out three and get in the mail.  Or, I could just go to Blue Mountain Cards as I have an account there and email them one.  Will have to make a decision on that today, I think.

The other thing that kept me awake was making myself remember I was to take that pill today.  They make it difficult.... one time a week; first thing in the morning; do not lay down or lay back for 30 minutes.  They prefer that you stand for 30 minutes - and suggested taking a shower.  So that's what I did this morning.  I came in to my room, took my pill with a lot of water, then took a shower.  That worked,  By the time I was finished and dressed, my 30 minute stay up time was completed and hubby was starting to wake up.  Surprised that the shower didn't awaken him, but then he does sleep without his hearing aids.  Now I can take my regular daily pills, drink a cup of coffee, and think about how the day is going to go.

I am going to jump online early so that I can once again look at my boss' calendar to see if there is any way we can meet up, even for a few minutes.  She wants to see my house and since she is so close - why not.  It isn't totally clean, but at least most things are put away and hubby did run the sweeper yesterday.  It would be nice if we could get away for a quick brunch or lunch, but if not, that's ok.  

I started emptying my closet yesterday of Christmas gifts that I have already purchased.   One thing I have figured out; I need to QUIT buying for the great granddaughters.   The grandchildren are teenagers and above now and I see them so seldom I do not know what to give them.  I do know I want to see them.  Those with jobs now or live far enough away - well, I don't get to see them.  I had hoped the relationship we developed when they were growing up would keep us close as they grew up.  My heart aches to be around them again.  

I more and more know how my mother felt; and yet, couldn't explain how it felt.  When a mother feels so much love for her family and yet is not a part of their lives, it leaves a lot of emptiness and loneliness for what was.  I imagine it is that same way for fatherss.  Longing for a closer relationship and yet, needing to let go and let the 'bird' fly on its own wings.  But always staying close by in case.... just in case.  

In spite of circumstances; my prayer is that each of my children, my grandchildren, and my great-grandchildren, will always know I pray for them, and that I so dearly love them.  Things are not always what they seem in families.   

May the Lord bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you, may He be gracious to you.... may He turn His face towards you, and may He give you peace.  

Wednesday.  Today.  Sit back and think about where you are with Jesus.  Do you know Him?  The Savior of the world?  The One who loves you more than His own life?  Spend some time talking with Him... He's near, waiting for you.

Blessings.

I got to watch it all....

 and some parts really touched my heart.  Memories.  Hopes. Dreams. Just remembering what it was I dreamed of... what I hoped for... what I desired...

One of our dear pastor friends got married for the first time yesterday.  I wish now we had gone to the wedding, but it was up in Sedona and I needed to work and not use a vacation day.  Our friend is in her 50's, I think, and is getting married for the first time.  She looked beautiful.  So did the groom, who is also a friend of ours.  Both are from our former church.  Tonight is their reception at the church so we plan to attend and give them our congratulations.  So what touched me about their wedding?

From the start... she walked down the aisle alone (as her father is deceased) and she looked beautiful dressed in a flowing white wedding dress and veil.  But she sang a song that I had to go online afterwords to hear all the words as zoom does not pull in everything, plus challenges they had with the internet there.  Check out Maurette Brown Clark - The One He Kept For Me on You Tube.  Pastor Sharon sang it to her beloved as she walked down the aisle.

There were other parts of the wedding that reminded me of my own hopes and dreams.  Things spoken in vows such as integrity, love, dreams, respect, the future together.  It was a beautiful wedding.  Reminders of how naive I was ... and still am about some things.  I want the dream.  That's all I can say.

Do you ever struggle about holding on to things?  I'm not talking so much about material things, for I did manage to purge a lot of things I was holding on to when we moved.  In fact, the thought occured to me yesterday that I needed to go through things again and let them go.  When I die, what will my kids do with all this 'stuff'?  It isn't fair to them to have to clean it out.... if hubby would even let them, if I should go first.  My books are what I hold on to the most, I think, and that's ok.  We have bookcases.  I love my books.  I reread some of them often.  Unfortunately, my children probably would not want any of my books, although they would be good for their soul. :-)

But I'm talking about holding on to emotions, to feelings.  Today's devotional I have reread several times already this morning.  I also finished reading Mark Batterson's 'Not Safe' book last night.  These things almost tie in together.  But the devotional is personal.  And when it's personal, it speaks to me.

"You are a vessel of my sacred glory, a temple of my Holy Spirit. You were created to know the depths of my love and designed to interact with me, as my child, as my annointed one. But in order to experience the vastness of what you were created for, ou must let go of the hinderances. You must allow me to purify you.

The bellowing winds that try to suck you into a vortex of chaos are nothing but an illusion tryng to consume your thoughts. Troubles come and situations arise that need your attention, but you must not allow them to rule your thoughts. Invite me to cleanse you of everything that hinders you from being fully aware of my presence. Things like fear, anger, unholy thoughts, wrong motives - let none of these linger within you. Get rid of them! Give them to me once and for all.  I am right here. If you cannot sense my presence, it's because you haven't fully yielded your thoughts to me. Simply offer me these things, then allow your spirit and mind to bask in thoughts of me."

Psalm 66:13  "I come before your presence with my sacrifice. I'll give you all that I've promised, everything I have."

How many times have I - have you - laid everything down .... then picked it back up as you go along the way?  I know I have many times.  I need to let them go once and for all.  All the pain inside, all the struggles, all the burdens - these are the things that Jesus wants to take from us to help us live a life more fully in Him.  Why do we want to hang on to them?  They don't make us feel good; they create chaos in our lives; they create problems..... wouldn't it be easier to sacrifice them once and for all?  I know, that's easier said than done sometimes.  

I will give you a challenge today.  Sit back in your chair and ask yourself what you are holding on to (that is probably making you miserable).    Make the decision today to let that 'thing' go.  I have some things to work on, and I'm sure you do too.  Let's do this.  Today.

Blessings!