I went to the chiropractor yesterday and wow - it is really evolved into more than just popping your back or neck or whatever into place. Dr. E explained to me how he does adjustments. He pulled out a spinal column model and showed me what he does. He shows me this power-punch 'gun' that he uses. Yes! It's totally different! He had me walk up to this 'table' that was upright. Once up against it, he tilted the table until it was flat. He aligns the spine with the legs! I'm not sure how he can tell anything, for I'm fully clothed. But he moves my feet, aligns my legs, then he uses the 'gun' to power punch (I think he said the 'punch' was 32 pounds pressure, but it didn't feel like it) the side of the spine. He did a couple in the small of my back. Then he went back to move my feet and 'align'. Then he had me put my R or L arm above my head, then back down. LOL He said when I do that, my right leg goes shorter. I'm UNEVEN!! LOL He punches a few times around my neck. He listened to my story of how I think my ocular migraines started - and agreed it could possibly be what causes them. I had had a bad one before I went to see him and still had the reside of it in the back of my neck. He said my C1 and C2 were out of alignment - one to the left, one to the right. So he punched on either side of it and even at the base of the skull. And he kept going back to my feet and aligning my legs every time. I have no idea how that works. I think he called it 'adaptive' or something like that. He said a few weeks at 2 times a week and realigning my body with the punch should help me a lot. I kid you not, I walked out of there feeling so 'free'. As if all the pressures I had against me had dispated. Does that make sense?
And, of course, as I told hubby about that experience, he thinks he needs to go to him as well. I'm not sure if he wants to check out this guy because he is in the office by himself (even his 'work room' has glass doors, anyone can see in, nothing is going to happen) and heaven forbid I should be alone with a man. Maybe it would help him straighten up and not be hunching over. Maybe it will help his legs straighten out. It might be a good thing. But why does he always have to do what I do?
I think that has always been one of 'my' struggles in this marriage. For me to do something on my own is nearly impossible. Even if I step out and do it (i.e., the chiropractor because I need it), he wants to do it too. I signed up for massages years ago; he had to do it. (I cancelled, so he did too). I think I'll hush on this subject; it does give me great pain in the memories. I feel I have struggled to survive, to be 'me', for so many years, it grows wearisome. Marriage does make two people one.... but it doesn't remove the identify of the two people. Does that make sense? Is it me?
I don't feel like I slept well again last night - once again the 'vow renewal' thing keeps coming up in my mind. I surrendered it to God again this morning. I've changed over the last 40+ years. I rebel a lot more than I did then. I sometimes still have to do things I don't want to do. But the question is, why do I not want to do it? Is it stubbornness of that I'm my own boss? It isn't going to change anything. Other than it will make hubby very happy. Is it enforcing his control issues? Is it my need to 'surrender'? Why do I feel I'm being forced into something I don't want to do? God and I have had quite the talk about it these past few days - and probably will continue to do so. More than anything else, more than my getting what I want, more than me getting my own way, more than anything else..... I want to be obedient to God. And to be obedient, sometimes I need to be submissive, even when I don't want to be. So I laid it out before God this morning and asked Him to take it over. If I need to do this, to keep hubby happy, I will do it. Even though I don't want to. It won't change anything. Life won't be different. I will perhaps withdraw a bit more as he asserts control 'in love'. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you do not know what you are thinking about. Would your spouse be willing to renew their vows with you? Have you been obedient to God and treated them with respect and love? Are there things you have not apologized - or forgiven - about? We all carry these things with us. We can only judge ourselves on how we would respond. I must let go of the hurt and anger I know that is still within me and even more than just saying "I forgive", I must internally forgive. Does that make sense? I told God that if I don't have to do it and put myself through the emotions I know I will feel, I will trust Him to prevent us watching the message. I know hubby is looking forward to it and talks about it frequently. He can't wait. So if it is to be or not be, it's up to God. I've surrendered.
My little sister is dealing with the same thing, only she is being really hard-nosed about it. She feels that by just not watching it (he doesn't care, if she doesn't turn it on, he doesn't watch) she eliminates the 'problem'. I have talked with her, asking her what does God want her to do - and it's interesting how our conversation goes. I'm not saying she is right or wrong. I'm not saying I am right or wrong. But I truly believe that if we are not obedient to God in this, we are the ones at fault. She recognizes that, yet refuses to submit in this area because she doesn't want her husband to think about .... whatever. We don't go there. But she wants to please God and follow Him, and yet, is this rebellion? Am I rebelling? God knows the past... and He knows the future. He also knows the present. All I can do is pray and surrender to Him. That's what I'm doing. Stay tuned on this one; I may - or may not - share how it turns out. If you are even interested. It's a tough one. The heart and mind are fighting. Who will win? We watch Jentezen Franklin most every week. Just because he isn't preaching what we want to hear, we won't watch? Hmmm sounds like a lot of us, doesn't it.
I Corinthians 13:4-5 (NLT): Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
This one is an 'ouch', is it not? Did you feel your spirit being pricked? Depends on who we are talking about, right? It's easy for us to follow this verse for our children, and especially our grandchildren and great-grandchildren, no matter what they have done or said to us in years past or currently. But now, our spouses, that is entirely different. Right? Do we not tend to 'hold back' on to our frustration, our anger, when they do something or say something we don't like - just to keep peace? And then what? We hold it inside and let it fester like a boil......until it explodes. Sometimes we don't even recognize where our anger at another situation entirely that has nothing to do with the original anger situations - and we explode all over that person. It could be the same person, or even someone we care about. A friend, perhaps. I think it is the 'it keeps no record of being wronged' that stays with us the longest. We feel 'wronged' and we harbor it inside until it just lets go. And then WE have to apologize! When it wasn't our fault to start with!! But all the time, we are the one who puts ourselves in bondage to the word spoken or action taken which we don't agree with.
Oh that we could just easily let go of the things that hold us in bondage! I imagine many of us have that problem. And that's why I struggle with the vow renewal. I've let the past harbor inside, and the hurt is still there. Lord, help me to let it go. Help me to forgive through You. Please forgive for me, for I don't know how to let it go. Take me out of the chains I have placed upon myself in bondage and set me free. In Jesus name. Amen.
Have a day full of forgiveness, full of love, full of hope, full of faith.
Blessings!
