I didn't wake up this morning (to get up) until 5:15AM. I'm usually up around 4AM, but I was so tired last night from getting up early yesterday, walking Sheeba, unpacking 4-6 boxes (who counts - they just keep coming!) going out to dinner last night to celebrate the son-in-law's birthday - which is today. I was very tired so after we got home and sat down for a little bit, I went to bed. It was still about average time - I range 8:30ish-9:30ish anyway. I woke up at 10:25PM, a couple other times I didn't bother to look at the clock, and 3:30AM, and finally 5:15AM. I jumped up and made my way into 'my room'.
I've done my reading and praying, and here I am again on this. I'm going to miss this routine in a few months. Things will get more difficult. Not sure if I've mentioned it before, but it has started weighing heavily upon me.
We will be going back to the office by the first of the year. But at least I won't have to drive to Mesa, as they are looking to rent a couple floors at Central and Thomas. I remember writing about this now, but bear with me. Like I said, it is weighing heavily upon me. Not the going back to work and the drive and all. What is weighing heavily is I will be losing my time in the mornings that I have to myself.
Now I can easily spend 2-3 hours in here if I want - and usually it is around 2 hours (if I stop to take Sheeba out for a walk during the week). I love this time. This is why I get up at 4AM so that I can have this time. Hubby gets up shortly after I do and makes me a cup of coffee and brings in to me, and then I am alone for as long as I'm in here. I have time that I can type in here if I think I have something to say. Ok, I guess I write in here even when I don't have anything to say.
This morning when I awoke at 5:15AM I about panicked. Yes, I did. I came into my room as usual and sat down, got my Bible out and a couple books I like to read in. I reach over to take my daily pills that I keep in a plastic container by day (see, I AM getting old!) and I see that Sunday hasn't been opened and emptied yet. I'm puzzled. I think to myself 'did I forget to take my pills yesterday?'. I sit here for a few moments and I realize that I hadn't forgotten to take yesterday's pills - Sunday is today! WHEW! But it wasn't so much about missing Sunday's pills. The anguish I felt in those few seconds before I realized that Sunday is today, is that I only had a short time before I had to start work at 7AM and I had slept too long.
How am I going to do this when I do start work? I'm so used to having this time to just be with God each morning, and I'm going to lose over an hour of that time. That is causing me much anguish. I've gotten used to spending more time with Him and now I'm going to lose it. My schedule has been 4AM up and into my room. I come out around 6AM to get dressed and take Sheeba for a quick walk and I'm on the computer by 7AM. When I go back to work, if I keep my current 4AM get up time, I will again have to stop by 5AM, get ready for work and head out the door by 6AM so that I can get to work by 7AM. And Sheeba doesn't get to walk. I don't know why hubby just won't take her for a walk. She is his dog, he wanted her, and now he leaves the walking to me.
That is the schedule I had before COVID and I was living on Paradise and wI doorking in Mesa. Up at 4AM, quiet time until 5AM, get dressed and out the door by 6AM. Heaven forbid if I was running a little late because hubby would open the door and ask if I was ok because I wasn't out there by 6AM and I as messing up HIS schedule. That always irritated me. I would just tell him I was fine and that if I was running a little late it was perfectly ok. I am salaried, so when I get there, if I'm late, I'll make up my time. GET OUT OF MY ROOM! (you can just see that happening, can't you!)
I know hubby doesn't want me to quit work. He has made it obvious. He likes the financial freedom he has (especially now since our expenses are way down and money isn't so tight) with me bringing home a paycheck. He likes that I am stuck in this room working, yet close by where he can interrupt if he wants to ask me something. Close by enough that he knows what I'm doing and I'm still under his thumb. I'm home to take care of Sheeba so that he can go places and meet his friends for breakfast or lunch and not worry about Sheeba. And he doesn't have to walk her.
And that makes me sad. Yes, it would be a very financial strain for me to quit my job. I have a very good job. And once I'm back in the office I may decide I don't want to quit. I love the socialization and being home does not allow me the ability to get out alone very often and it doesn't allow me time to make friends or be with friends because if he isn't out, then he doesn't want me to go out. But the stress of this job and the level it has become is very much out of my skill set. I'm having to learn new things and my 'don't want to learn it' gets in the way a lot of times. You've heard of Microsoft Teams? Yeah, that is a new thing and I'm having to learn it - but I don't want to take the time to learn it. It's a great tool, don't get me wrong! I just don't want to learn it. But I have to. I know a few basics, but people are creating these Teams and without even checking with me, I will get a notice that I have been designated as the 'owner' of these Teams and most I don't even have anything to do with it. It's stressful and wearisome.
I do need to work as long as I can. I will admit I like the financial freedom and it allows us to tithe to our church, even during these COVID times, and help others as we can. Once I quit, our tithe will drop drastically. And I love being able to give to our church and to help people out. We have one person in our church (and I need to check on her today) that is really struggling because her husband of 40 years allowed his children from his first marriage talk him into getting an apartment alone. Leaving her alone with only her social security, which isn't much at all. Why? Because they lived all these years in the house she got from her first marriage - and she never added his name to the title (is that what it is called? I can't remember). The house is paid for (it's an old house) and has been for years - but his kids want it sold .... can you guess what they want to do with the proceeds? Yeah. They don't care for her even though she helped raise them. They are in their 80's for heaven's sake! No divorce, just separated. No reason - he says she nagged at him. She says he won't pick up his clothes but takes them off and lets them fall on the floor. He leaves his dishes wherever he wants to leave them. This couple I love dearly and have taken him to task when he stopped coming to church for awhile. He IS old, and shouldn't be driving, but he does. Heaven help us, he can hardly walk! And that's with a cane!
I am just trying to pay it forward just as people as paid it forward for us. During some of our tough times, people have brought us groceries. People have slipped money into hubby's hands with the words 'pay it forward'. People have given us surprise Christmas gifts. People have loved us and cared for us. So I pay it forward. I've been able to do it at times and most people never find out it was me. And I love that. Yes, I say me, because I know what I do. Hubby will do it sometimes, and he makes sure I know about it. I don't want anyone to know - unless I'm asked, then I will answer. But I love to give as I can.
My mama was always giving things, giving money when she could. Not necessarily to me, but she would often tell me when someone took advantage of her. She gave a niece her credit card one time to go get groceries. So the niece not only got groceries - and quite a bit - she went and bought spa supplies and clothes and ran up about $500 on the card. Mother did pitch a fit and made her take everything back except for the groceries. As she should!
Oh my goodness! I just looked at the clock and it is 7:15AM and here I sit! Pastor Jentezen Franklin from Free Chapel has a service that begins at 6AM and 8AM (he's in Georgia so 3 hour different right now) - and we watch the 8AM service. I truly love this man who preaches the Word and isn't afraid to say the hard things. I'm happy I bought the Bibles in which he added some of his sermons to for each of my children. My prayer is that some day they will read at least his sermons. They are powerful and meaningful. Our church service starts at 10:30AM so have time to have breakfast in between. Or walk Sheeba today since I didn't get my butt moving early enough.
God is good. I know that He has me in the palm of His hand, and He also has you there. Snuggle into His palm and tell him your heart's pain, your heart's secrets, and even your heart's joys. He loves to hear from you. He sees you all the time, He already knows. But He wants you to get it out by sharing it with Him. Tell him. You will never regret it because His peace will descend upon you and you will know He alone is God.
Blessings!
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