I'm struggling this morning...

 part of me doesn't want to get cleaned up and go to church.  Gasp!  Did I say that out loud?  Yes, I am loving our new church, but today, I just want to stay in my corner and read.  I want to just spend additional time talking with God without interruptions.  I want to be alone with God this morning.  I need this. Desperately.  Hubby and I ... well, a bit at odds.  I am smothered.  I am trying to breathe. 

Then I read in my little book this morning about a 'little bit of oil' and the story of Elisha and the woman with only a little bit of oil.  He told her to collect all the jars she could find; ask her neighbors for jars.  Then he told her to begin to fill these jars with that little bit of oil.  And the little bit of oil filled all the jars and did not run out until the last jar was filled.

Sometimes I feel like my 'little jar of oil' is about to run out.  Do you ever feel that way?  As I poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father this morning about things on my heart, my tears gathered.  I won't go there, but my heart is heavy this morning, and I am feeling so tired.  I just want to be alone with God. To walk with Him; be with HIm.

But I will stop after writing this and go take my shower and get ready for church this morning.  It is, after all, Pentecost Sunday.  Yes, it means something.  Some day I will share what it all means, but today, I won't.  I need to be in church.  I can read when I come home (I hope).  Sigh.  Maybe I can go 'shopping', although there is nothing I want nor need.  I just need to get away. Alone.

My breakfast with Needles of Hope ladies went well and we had a nice time, I think.  Food was good; had some leftovers.  Hubby stayed here in this room for the most part, coming out once.  He did eat eggs ole not only for breakfast, but for lunch as well.  And guess what; he will have for breakfast again today.  I did take some over to Ms. Vicky last night, and I do need to take some over to Ms. Diane some time today.  I should have gone last night, but talked myself out of it.  I didn't keep much of the yarn Lori brought; it was all yarn types that I have no experience in.  I did keep a few of the 'fur yarn' as Lori told me a way to use it.  I tried... and have used one skein. Not sure if I should have used a larger needle.  Will next time.  But it's something different.

My heart is struggling this morning and I don't know what to do.  I want to move. I'm frustrated with the expenses we are forced to pay even when we don't use them. We got a bill yesterday and hubby went off on me about it yesterday - I think it was more that he mis-thought what it was.  He came in and was agitated about it - and said it was a property tax bill of $650.  I thought that odd, and asked him that wasn't our property taxes included in the house payment (do we even pay property taxes on what we don't own? The HOA 'owns' the land, we only 'own' the house).  Oh no, I was wrong.  We pay these property taxes every year.  I asked if that bill could possibly be the rec center fee we are charged every year - every house is charged - even if it isn't used.  (I feel sorry for people like Ms. Diane who doesn't go at all.)  Ms. Vicki uses the pool there, but that's it.  We don't use it but rarely - and I went to the pool the other week with Ms. Vicki.   Anyway - a little later he came back and told me it was the rec bill for the year and it was due in July.  $650.  They raised it $100 this year.  Our HOA has gone up $100 a month at least since we moved here.  I want to move.  Hubby refuses. But then, where would we go?  Where could we find a 2-3 bedroom home that has a small yard and is inexpensive?  Well, one thing I do know, God does answer prayers about homes.  How do I know?

I prayed for several years about getting out of our last house.  The upkeep was killing us financially.  I loved the space and I do miss having it, but we didn't keep up on the things that needed to be done.  It was a God-send that hubby agreed to sell it and it was sold so quickly.  And that this one was available.  But now, I'm ready to move from here.  I want a stand alone house with no fees and to be able to live comfortably.  So I will pray that God will provide it at what time it will be needed.  At the beginning, 5 years ago, I thought hubby or I could still live here comfortably on our social security, if one of us passed.  That is not the case now.  The fees have gone up enough that I don't think we can.  I will be working until I die, I think.  Sigh.  Then again, I do like Amazon.  But I am cutting back on that as well.  

But this morning, as I was reminded of this scripture, I pause and remember how God has always given me what I needed, when I needed it.  It wasn't always what I wanted, but he gives me what I need.  And many times, it is just Him.  He truly is all I need.  I can get past most things, as long as I am secure in Him.

2 Kings 4:2 (NKJV):  So Elisha said to her, "What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?" And she said "Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil."

Lord, sometimes I feel like my jar of oil is dwindling fast.  Inside I feel like there isn't much left.  People hurt with their words and actions and even with their inactions.  I have no worth, no value. I am there - for what?  Yet, I know with the little bit of oil I have left inside of me, You will fill me up with the oil of gladness and joy, for You are my God.  It doesn't matter what others say or do; it is what I reach out and receive from You.  Jesus, my life is committed to You.  What shall I gather to fill with oil? Only You can supply the oil that I need.  Fill me, O God, fill my cup, til it overflows with Your love and Your goodness.  You are my life.  My heart is set on You.  

Fill my cup, Lord...... by George Bernard Shaw

Like the woman at the well I was seeking for things that could not satisfy; and then I heard my Savior speaking: "Draw from my well that shall never run dry."  Fill my cup, Lord, I lift it up, Lord!  Come and quench this thirsting of my soul; Bread of Heaven, feed me till I want no more, fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!  

There are millions in this world that are craving the pleasures earthly things afford, but none can match the wondrous treasure that I find in Jesus Christ my Lord.  Fill my cup, Lord, I lift it up, Lord, come and quench the thirsting of my soul; Bread of heaven, feed me til I want no more, fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!

Blessings!