Well, hubby didn't go to church yesterday, other than dropping off the school supplies that I had purchased for us to donate for teachers. When questioned, he said he had a headache and his stomach felt queasy. He didn't remember how to get to our granddaughters so I ended up at the daughter's house for him to come pick me up. He missed my text so I ended up having to call him. He wanted to stop and grab lunch somewhere, but I said no, for us to go on home (I really wasn't hungry; we had McDonald's around 10AM and it was only 1PM). "Fine, I'll fix something at home." he responded. (he didn't). Reaching home, and unpacking the car, he had the baseball game on. I started unpacking some things and opening some Amazon packages that came while I was gone. He had to stand and watch, of course. Then back to the ballgame, then he switched it over to NCIS. Around 4PM he says if I'll decide where to go, he will buy dinner, as he was getting hungry. I got up and threw some meat in a bowl of cold water to defrost. I didn't really feel like going out - and if we did, I'd want fast food just to get it done - and I know we'd fight about it. He loves sit-down dinners. About 5PM he mentioned food again so I went into the kitchen and put the meat in the air fryer and started heating up veggies. He hung around in the kitchen, trying to see what I was fixing, but didn't ask. LOL When I went into the other room, I heard the air fryer beep from where he opened it up to see what I was fixing. Then he sat back down; I guess it met his approval. We ate and then it was 'want to watch a movie or read?' question I always get. I told him I don't care - whatever he wants. So it was a movie. After that one, it was 7:30PM and he was asking again if I wanted to watch another movie. "No" was my answer. Turn the TV off. So we had silence as we went through our phones for the last hour or so before heading to bed. A usual dull evening at our place. I really wanted to read, but I was so sleepy I knew I couldn't get in to the book so didn't bother.
No training at the gym for me tonight; my trainer took a weekend trip and has moved my training to Wednesday and Thursday this week. After working core last Wednesday I really expected my 'core' to be really hurting this weekend - but it did not. Not that I want my body to hurt, but it just seems that lately I'm not getting as sore as I did in the beginning. Muscle recall and I'm not hurting? I don't know.
With the systems crashing last Friday around the world, including my company, with Microsoft all screwy, I don't know what I'll be facing this morning. Last I checked on my phone I had 203 emails, but only a few are mine to work on. I notice my male boss has a couple difficult tasks for me to do - one he even IM'd me so that I'd be sure to get it. Skimming his message - no, I don't want to do it. But, alas, I have no choice. It's 'suck it up, buttercup'!
I also need to start focusing on a message and songs for the independent nursing facility that I have been asked to speak at the first Sunday in August. At least I have messages that I've done at the RV parks I can use, but I need to shorten them a little bit. Not as much as I did the first time - lol - we were done with the entire service in 40 minutes! (Maybe that is why they wanted me to come back?) I need to find songs as well for we will do those acapella because I don't have a sound bar; and I don't have songs downloaded on my phone. Nor do I plan to. I just look for songs I think they know, and then type out the verses we are to sing. It worked last time and many participated. I should have pursued learning how to use the guitar I had. I even have a keyboard now, but I don't know how to play it other than right hand on a couple songs. Maybe I should take piano/keyboard lessons instead.
Learning new things shouldn't weigh me down. But it does. There are so many things that I want to do - but before I sign up, or before I do them, I talk myself out of it. I think it is depression that tells me to just go sit and not do anything, for what if I get started and someone nags at me about not being available .... I guess I've gone through too much of this in the past that I just shut down. There are many courses that I can take for free at some Christian colleges, and I did start one time, but I always retreat and don't complete. Then I beat myself up. Tell myself I don't have time. And yet, I think back twenty years ago when I was teaching two classes and was so active in church and learning new things all the time. It's like my life has shut down, especially since I have been working from home since 2019 - or was it 2020? I don't remember. Working from home has it advantages, believe me, but I miss the social interaction. I also feel that if I could be face to face with my bosses, then I could understand more of what they (he) wants and be able to complete my tasks much easier. Words over a computer just doesn't do it. My mind has grown dull and I have as well. Will I ever come to life again?
I can't remember what it felt like to feel 'alive'. I used to claim small mountains! I used to run; to walk long distances. I see about these 80-100+ old women who are weight lifting heavy weights; they are running marathons, and my heart longs to live and be alive again. You may not understand what I am feeling, but I never imagined my life to be as dull and unproductive as it is.
But, I got to quit wallowing and get my head on straight for I know it is 'timecard Monday' and my favorite boss is on PTO today - I sent her a note before I left asking if I needed to approve her people's timecards. I need to see if she answered me. I usually go ahead and work on days I approve timecards, but I could easily take the day off and jump on long enough to approve and then sign back off. I should do that instead of working around the timecards. Especially if I am staying home.
I love what I read in The Passion Translation this morning.
Psalm 5:1-3 (TPT): Listen, Yahweh, to my passionate prayer! Can't you hear my groaning? Don't you hear how I'm crying out to you? My King and my God, consider my every word, for I am calling out to you. At each and every sunrise you will hear my voice as I prepare my sacrifice of prayer to you. Every morning I lay out the pieces of my life on the altar and wait for your file to fall upon my heart.
And that is what we are to do. Come to Him and lay out the pieces of our heart, and then wait for Him to share with us what we are to do. So many times I seem to think that my way is better, for to wait for something is at times too much to ask. Ever have that happen to you? You want your answer NOW, and if you don't get it NOW, you think that you know the best way to go? Sometimes the best answer is to just WAIT and allow God to do His work in us as He prepares us for the answer.
Every time I have received what I felt was a closed door, I told myself that I was in a waiting period, and that I needed to study and learn and use that 'waiting' time to gather useful information for my heart's desire to teach others about Jesus. But circumstances happen. I have lost my waiting years and now I am the one who is lost. Oh that I might hear what Yahweh says to me in this time of my life! That my ears will be open to His voice; that I will pause my life long enough to take the time to truly wait upon Him. Oh how I wish I could shut myself up in my room for days at a time, and just sit and wait upon Him!
When was the last time that you took time to sit and wait upon Yahweh? He is our only King and our only God. He deserves all the honor, all the praise, all the glory. All that we have is not by our hands; it is by His. Remember what Job said? I came into this world naked, and I will leave naked... blessed is the name of the Lord. (Paraphrased, of course).
I have a few minutes before I need to get on the work computer so I think I will lay out my requests to my King and my Yahweh this morning and wait. Yeah, have to keep an eye on the clock, but I can still wait. What about you?
How about stopping your scrolling through your computer and just sit and tell God what is going on in your life and ask Him what does He want you to do?
Blessings!
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