Early morning rising...

 I don't know what was going on with hubby during the night but from about 12AM on - he kept me awake with his tossing and turning.  I finally gave up and arose about 3:30AM and came in here, thinking I might try to go to sleep, but my mind was on the message I'm doing tomorrow and knew it wasn't finished - and that I have a full day of 'stuff' to get done today.  So I worked the next couple of hours on it and finished and printed it.  I'll go through it and make changes later this afternoon. Hubby got up about 5-ish I think and brought my coffee in.  I'm still sipping it as I'm trying to get other things done in here - to the point that I nearly forgot to write in here! Imagine that! 

I think I'm the one losing my mind.   At this moment I just want to get this room cleared out and the bed cleaned off.  I have over-bought, over-given and it's driving me crazy.  I am already thinking what I can take back or put back for some so that we don't give just to give.  You know what I mean?  In never mean to over-give any specific person - but when I have already bought, and then I hear they NEED something, of course - just like you with children - you want to give them what they NEED.  So then you have several love of giving gifts - and then you are presented with a 'NEED' - and what do you do?  I have to take some things back and just put back for another time.  They may get it eventually, but I don't have to be the one who showers any one with gifts.  Does any of that make sense?  

It's this crazy, cluttered room, I'm telling you!  I have no room to sit (well, barely) let alone work!  What makes me think that I can give someone something they would really want?  Of course my oldest son lets it be known 'beef jerky', Lil' Debbie cakes, and he is happy. LOL  (No, I haven't picked up beef jerky yet.)   I need to let Christmas go back to being just a fun giving time and not turn it into 'Mama or Grandma or Oma needs to supply it all' thing.  Right?  I say every year I'm cutting back - and every year I keep repeating it.  

Today is Needles of Hope and I'm really entertaining the thought of not going because I have so much to get done.  And yet, I need the break of being with friends and just be me.  Does that make sense? I really don't have 3-4 hours to let go of today.  But I also know with hubby home, I will lose nearly as much time as if I stay home, he will expect (I believe) that I will fix breakfast as I usually do on Saturday mornings, and then of course I have to sit down and eat with him.  And he.can.eat.slow if he wants me to sit with him and give him my attention.  I'm done and ready to jump on the next project!  By the time he takes his last bite I'm scooting back in my chair to get on with my day! Does that make me a bad person? I do try to wait until he is finished.

I want to get some breads made today so that I can get packages in the mail on Monday to my siblings and to my in-laws.  I have all this wrapping to do - and I can't even remember who I bought what for!   I know I have been able to scratch several off my lists.  Trust me, it's another lesson learned - not so much about the money spent, but about the number of gifts - I've got to stop!  I forget that I have bought all year long!  I'm still taking things down out of the closet!   I think I need to lay every thing out at one time - and THEN wrap - and not wrap and forget to write it down and then think I've forgotten someone.  These boys though, I am having the most trouble with them.  Flannel Shirts and hoodies have been the gifts for several years - I'm wanting to surprise them with something different.  I'm thinking perhaps I will fix up a 'goodie bag' for them... but then, would they want it? Are they a snacker?  I don't think any of them like anything I bake except maybe cookies - so maybe some cookies?  Everyone likes cookies, right?  I don't want to bake those until just before they come over though so that they don't get (eaten) stale (right?). I don't generally freeze cookies.   I will have salsa for each one - I think most, if not all, like my salsa.

I'm actually glad we are stretching Christmas out.  As of right now, my daughter and family will be Christmas Eve.  Then the Saturday after Christmas, it will be my oldest son and his family.  And then on Sunday, after church, will be my youngest son and his family.   I will have time to prepare for each family and then just sit back and enjoy being with them.  I don't need anything - seriously - I want to just be with them.  If you HAVE to get me something, get me a nice Christmas t-shirt - and I'm going out on a limb.  I've always asked for a LARGE size because I'm so self-conscious about my rolls.  But I've received a couple medium shirts lately and although they show my rolls, my rolls are going down and the shirt feels comfortable and I feel thinner in them.  Does that make sense?  I look at photos with me in a large t-shirt and (because I have small shoulders), I look like I'm drowning in the shirt.  I noticed it in a Christmas photo last year with my granddaughter, and especially in the photo my brother sent me to paint.  I couldn't even bring myself to paint it, I hated the way I looked in the t-shirt so much. I put it away.  I need to find a better photo and have it printed to paint.  I need to wear clothes that fit me better and not worry about hiding my rolls, right?   Life has made me so self-conscious - but hey - at least I'm working on it!  Now if I could just watch my eating and eat right.  Maybe I need to start doing my glucose testing again - I have the meter and some testing strips - but once these are gone - I won't get any more as I quit the program.  Hmmm I wonder if they can be bought outright? I don't know!  Maybe if I limit myself to 100 carbs instead of the 30 that Virta was wanting me to stay at?  (And my son thought the 60 the hospital was wanting to keep him on was a joke!)

Am I rambling again?  I told you I'm losing my mind!

I did have a fun time with my boss at the Christmas Ideas house.  I bought too much, but did take care of a couple white elephant gifts I need for a couple parties at the office.  If it wasn't that I'd get to see my friends there, I wouldn't bother to go.  It took me an hour to get to Mesa yesterday morning in the traffic - and it was a Friday!   I stopped at my hairdresser's yesterday on the way back and he trimmed and colored my hair.  It's really blond now.  More blond than I thought it would be, but he is trying to 'hide' the white.  Next time we will try brown streaks to maybe bring color back in it.  I'm a mess, I'm telling you!

The message I'm doing tomorrow at the RV Park is on Hope.  Lord knows that we all can use Hope - right?  We all are hoping for something.  Sometimes it is hope for health issues, sometimes it is hope for financial issues, sometimes it is hope just to get through another day.  We have this promise in Psalm 145:14 (NLT): The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those beneath their loads.  

How many times do we feel that we have just 'fallen and can't get up'?  I know I have felt that at times, just not mentally, but physically as well.  Life can be crushing at times and the devil will do all he can to load all he can upon us heads and upon our shoulders to weigh us down with the burden we all tend to carry around.  As parents we want the best for our children and many times there is nothing we can do but pray for them.  We have to cut the apron strings and allow them to fall - brush themselves off - and pick themselves up.  Our job is to pray and to be there for them; but also to help in critical needs.  We need to model for them (and I obviously did not do it well) that their trust should be in God, not in their jobs, not in financial status.  All those things fade away, but trusting in God and leaning into Him, remains forever.

I choose remaining in God forever.  I obviously have messed up my life many times - I fall, but I seek God's help in getting back up. And so can you.  Health issues?  Ask God for healing.  Maybe that is what He is waiting for!  Seek, Ask, Believe.   Financial issues?  Stop spending except for necessities.  So what if it's Christmas.  IF you feel you need to get a gift for someone, make them something - or just give one gift.  IT'S THE THOUGHT - NOT THE GIFT!    I feel I'm preaching to myself.  Sigh.

I need to get off here and see what I can do before heading to Needles. Hope that you have an amazing day. Maybe, just maybe, someday, I will get my mind back; for now, I think it went on vacation.

Blessings!

Whose responsibility is it?

 My mind seems to be all over the place this morning, thinking of what to write about.  Listening to Free Chapel, the music is so refreshing - and it's at a volume I can understand the words.  Sigh.  As mentioned earlier this week, I sent an email to our (former) pastor and advised we would be changing churches.  No response.  (and they said they loved us? No response?)  Hubby really wants to go to the Salvation Army Church- and that's ok.  We'll go wherever he wants to go.  It's just a building.  The people were really friendly when we went last week.  And then, last night.

Hubby looks at me and says "you don't seem like you want to go to the Salvation Army for church.  Don't you want to go?"  I just responded it doesn't matter to me, if he wants to go there, we can go there.  So he asked if he should start tithing there. (Obviously he hasn't put in tithing anywhere since we haven't been going physically).  I told him if he wanted to put it all in today, feel free to do so. It doesn't matter WHERE or WHAT church we give to; our tithing belongs to God, not us.  He asked me about the tithing I put in.  I just told him I wasn't ready to give it to SA yet.  I don't know what is holding me back; the money is in the bank, I have even written the checks without filling in the 'where'. It's God's money, not mine. I want to wait and see if that is where we will be staying.  Part of me feels like hubby wants to go there because it is where two couples we know well go when they are in town.  Another part knows that it is because the music was quieter, we were very much welcomed (not the usual 'hi, how are you, glad you are here'), and they serve lunch.  LOL  I guess it really shouldn't matter what the reason is that I think - he wants to go to church to hear the Word (and the message was really good last week) and I should just accept that, right?

And then the conversation changed to 'you don't act like you want to go up north next weekend, so I guess you can cancel the reservation. I thought it would be good for you to get out of town and just relax for the weekend.'  I am guessing this stemmed from my comment about the southbound lane of the highway is down to one lane that weekend.  No, I haven't cancelled the reservation yet.  Will see how the week pans out.  No, I'm not real thrilled about 'getting out of town' - I'm content to stay at home and do nothing (except he will leave the TV on all weekend, more than likely).  At least at the hotel he doesn't turn on the TV all the time.  We read a lot.  I do look forward to that.  Maybe I need to check out another place - maybe Payson?  He is wanting to just get away where it is cooler.  He complains about the heat all the time - and to me it's stupid - why? because being inside we're cool!  Or as cool as he will leave the air on!  I think he keeps it at 80 during the day .... I just quit fussing with him about it.  In the hotel I freeze cause he has it turned way low.  Not sure how the weekend will work out.... will make a decision in a few days.  Now if we were going to Tucson (I almost suggested it, but knew he would pick up on my excitement going one direction rather than the other).  ...  Just saying.

And in both conversations, I hadn't said a word against either one.  But I may have to end up 'making the decision' to go.  And I don't care either way - and I told him so.  If he wants to go north, we can go north. (other than he is insisting on driving).  If he wans to give the tithe to the church this morning, go for it.  I don't care.  It doesn't change anything. It's not a big deal.  It's his choice.  Can he not make a decision?  What is confusing him?   Oh, and he still wants to watch Free Chapel in the mornings.  Right now we watch Free Chapel at 8AM, but on the first Sunday in November, the time changes and that service goes to 9AM.  I'm listening to the 6AM (which will change to 7AM)  service right now.  I get a 'double dose' as I watch the 2nd one with him. 

Listening to all the things going on with the flood destroying towns and all, my heart breaks.  It's hard to even imagine what these people are going through and my heart breaks for them.  One thing I am grateful for, Free Chapel shares that all the monies given to them is 100% given to the disaster.  They have given $100K to the Red Trucks (name of a group of people taking supplies in), another $250K to another area, and yet another $200K to another area - all to bring relief to the flood victims.   Did you hear about the 7 year old boy who drowned, but as he was drowning, he was calling out to Jesus.  Guess where he is right now.  Sitting at Jesus' feet.

Isaiah 26:4 (NIV)  Trust in the Lord forever, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.

Sometimes God allows a lot of things to turn our hearts back to Him.  We may lose jobs, lose income. We may have delinquent children, children who have backslidden away from their faith. We may have disease strike our bodies.  But when we lean into God, we will find a revival of our souls and will gain much more than we lose.  Trusting in Him is the best thing we will ever do.  

Don't talk unbelief. Don't talk doubt.  Don't say a word.  Trust God that He will provide for everything that you need.  Have extreme pain?  Lean into Jesus and He will go through it with you.  You may think it is unbearable, but He will get you through it.  You will come out on the other side.  Keep trusting.  Let the walls fall down that you block out the world with. That you block out the truth with.  Don't you know that Jesus is calling in His harvest?  And that harvest will include you - if you will let Him draw you in.  Oh that you would open up your heart to Him and allow Jesus to take over your thoughts and your actions and your words, and speak truth over you.

Talk northing but healing. Talk nothing but how big God is.  When you talk 'God talk', He will come and help you.  Don't talk devil talk - he only takes away from you.  Get the joy back in your life by surrendering your life to Jesus and let Him be your Rock eternal.  Get your shout back - shout about the goodness of God.  You have the favor of God, but you have to let go of the world and grab hold of Him.  What is your choice?  Life or death?  Choose life, that you and your children may live.

Blessings!

It will be a busy Monday

 I do have a lot to accomplish today (Lord, HELP!).  I know I need to approve timecards first thing.  I received an 'apology email' from my male boss Friday evening stating "I'm so sorry I had to send you so many meetings to schedule." so I know that I will need to face those today. If he apologizes, then I'm sure there are at least 4-5 or more.  As long as I can book them out a few weeks, I'm ok - it's these that need to be scheduled this week that become a headache.  Everyone is too busy.

I also need to go get a blood draw this morning.  I have the paperwork; I need to go back to my doctor's building as that is where this lab is. Only about 15 minutes away so no biggie.  It opens at 7AM and that was my thought to do this morning - but since it is 6:11 already, I have a feeling I will need to just go when I can today.  After all, I do get a lunch hour, even though I don't take it.  I need to go before 11AM and I after 1PM.  Surely, I can work it in.  My favorite boss is at a conference today and tomorrow so I will not be hearing from her.  It's this male boss that dominates my time.  But he is back-to-back meetings so I'm sure I can get away for an hour to take care of this.  After all, I am important too, right?  I also need to call the imaging place and get my mammogram and dex-a-scan scheduled.  Then I will only have my dermatologist to see yet this year and I will have seen them all.  Although, I really don't NEED to see him, it's just a quick screening I do once a year.  I can put it off.  The rash I originally went to him to see a few years ago popped back up on my arm yesterday in a bright pink.  He had told me to take an allergy pill when it comes up - in fact, he said I could take an allergy pill every day - it wouldn't hurt me.  Well, I haven't every day - and it came up yesterday.  I'm thinking, since I received the P20 pneumonia shot in the doctor's office Friday, and my shoulder is red and swollen and hot from it, that it triggered the allergic reaction so I just took an allergy pill  It must have worked; the rash is gone this morning. My arm is still pink just below where they did the shot.

Yesterday was a nice day.  We watched Pastor Jentezen speak a great message yesterday, then watched Pastor Pat at our church.  A decent message, but he kept breaking out in song and the one side of the church just edges him on.  He said Pastor Michael will be speaking next week.  He is always good but abstract at times.  Hubby says I need to write a letter to Pastor Pat and Sharonda if we do not plan to go back.  We've watched on You Tube the last three weeks.  Hubby did scare me somewhat yesterday. He couldn't remember how to bring You Tube up on the TV to watch church.  I did not to make a big deal of it, just took the remote and spoke into it and brought up what we wanted to watch.

I really do enjoy staying home and watching church on You Tube.  We do sing along, and we do pay attention.  And I crochet while watching the service.  I like staying in my pjs and not rushing about.  I really don't know what we are going to do.  I know that the Holy Spirit lives in me, so why is it that when they say they keep singing because the Holy Spirit is there... and yet, I'm not feeling it... I 'shut down' when they sing for nearly an hour.  And they talk about speaking in tongues a lot - and many of them do. But we don't. We have not received that 'gift'.  I always feel inferior and that maybe the Holy Spirit isn't in me - yet I know He is. Oh well - a subject for another time.  

I had to go to the store. Again. I realized I forgot to buy more eggs at both Sam's Club and Fry's.  I still had about 15 eggs, but I wanted to make this egg dish that took 18 eggs. Or was it 16.  Anyway, It's all the eggs, then add whatever you want.  I added a cup of cottage cheese, cheddar jack cheese, salt, pepper, green peppers, and cut up pieces of ham and baked in muffin tins.  I bagged them up and hubby asked me this morning how long to leave in the microwave.  That's what they are for - a quick easy meal and full of protein.  It reminded me of my eggs ole I make.  In fact, I think I'd like to make some of that - I need to check if I have everything though. Maybe just a half batch I will have it all.  Hmmm.  

I also baked a batch of snickerdoodles for my trainer. And us, of course.  I ate FIVE of them last night along with chugging milk.  It was so good.  I got to stay out of them - and yet, I know I won't.  Hubby was in them last night as well, although I took him two warm ones with a glass of milk earlier.  I wanted to bake more, but didn't.

Oh - and I did not get to straightening up my yarn yesterday. Cookie baking was on my agenda.   And hubby left the TV off last night.  He played with his phone, then read, and I worked on an afghan for a friend.  13 rows to go and I can move on to other things.  Christmas will be here before I know it and I am not going to be prepared.  I won't be working on the yarn today either.  Unless I get a break in meetings this afternoon.  As soon as work is over today, my youngest son is picking me up for dinner - and taking me to see The Sound of Music at the theater!!  He said it is a belated birthday gift.  I'm so excited!  That was the very first show I saw at a theater.  I wasn't allowed to go to drive-ins or anything like that when I was growing up.  It was sinful!!  In fact, it was so sinful to go to the drive in that when my stepsister snuck and went with her boyfriend to see The Ten Commandments when it came out, my stepfather grounded her!  But I got to go because I was a librarian at school and that was their thank you for working there - all of us who volunteered go to go.  I am so grateful I could.  I used to always insist we watch it when it came on TV - til it got to the point hubby and the kids would hide any notification it was going to be on TV (that and a couple other movies I really had an attachment to) so that they wouldn't have to endure it' once more time.  

James 3:13 (NIV):  Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.

Have you ever been around someone who did something that made you look at them in somewhat awe? It may have been something they said that truly made sense over a situation, or it may have been a deed they completed that left you wondering why you didn't think about it first.  I have had both of those things happen.  Maybe not recently, for I haven't been around people that much.  Actually, in thinking about it, I haven't been much of ANYwhere for several months. I haven't been around a lot of people on any great basis.  Wow.  Have I become somewhat of a hermit?

But there are people 'out there' who will sometimes surprise you with words that they speak. They will amaze you with their actions.  And many times we wish, I think, it was us saying that wise thing or doing that amazing thing.  And why isn't it us?  I believe it is because we don't pause and take in the situation and let it process out in our minds.  We get so caught up in the 'it must be said' or 'it must be taken care of' - that we impatiently push through with our own agenda.  Perhaps we all need to pause and reflect before speaking and acting.  I know I'm in that group.  Many times I may speak because I think it is 'safe' to say around people.... but when I hear it being taken out of context in the wrong way, I regret speaking without thinking.  Especially when it gets thrown back in your face.  Know what I mean?  I hear many things that have been said.  Some to my face, some through social media indirectly directed at me, and yet, where are the guts to say to the face.... ok, my mind is going on a tangent so I'm shutting up here.  I want to be wise and understanding. I want others to see who I am on the inside, not what the world sees on the outside.  Does that make sense?

Thinking about my oldest son this morning and wondering how he is. He hasn't written in his blog since last Tuesday.  Last year on his birthday he came by and brought donuts.   I do have a small gift for him; maybe I need to bake him his special cookies and do a run out to see him. White chocolate macadamia nut, if I recall correctly.  He will hopefully correct me if I'm wrong. But then, he doesn't need cookies.  He doesn't know it, but he needs his mama.  

And with that, I need to jump off here - it's nearly 7AM and I need to approve timecards and see when I can do a run to get the blood draw completed.  It will be a busy day today. Can't wait until tonight to see The Sound of Music.  So looking forward to it.  Need to figure out dinner for hubby before I leave.  

Blessings!