Early morning rising...

 I don't know what was going on with hubby during the night but from about 12AM on - he kept me awake with his tossing and turning.  I finally gave up and arose about 3:30AM and came in here, thinking I might try to go to sleep, but my mind was on the message I'm doing tomorrow and knew it wasn't finished - and that I have a full day of 'stuff' to get done today.  So I worked the next couple of hours on it and finished and printed it.  I'll go through it and make changes later this afternoon. Hubby got up about 5-ish I think and brought my coffee in.  I'm still sipping it as I'm trying to get other things done in here - to the point that I nearly forgot to write in here! Imagine that! 

I think I'm the one losing my mind.   At this moment I just want to get this room cleared out and the bed cleaned off.  I have over-bought, over-given and it's driving me crazy.  I am already thinking what I can take back or put back for some so that we don't give just to give.  You know what I mean?  In never mean to over-give any specific person - but when I have already bought, and then I hear they NEED something, of course - just like you with children - you want to give them what they NEED.  So then you have several love of giving gifts - and then you are presented with a 'NEED' - and what do you do?  I have to take some things back and just put back for another time.  They may get it eventually, but I don't have to be the one who showers any one with gifts.  Does any of that make sense?  

It's this crazy, cluttered room, I'm telling you!  I have no room to sit (well, barely) let alone work!  What makes me think that I can give someone something they would really want?  Of course my oldest son lets it be known 'beef jerky', Lil' Debbie cakes, and he is happy. LOL  (No, I haven't picked up beef jerky yet.)   I need to let Christmas go back to being just a fun giving time and not turn it into 'Mama or Grandma or Oma needs to supply it all' thing.  Right?  I say every year I'm cutting back - and every year I keep repeating it.  

Today is Needles of Hope and I'm really entertaining the thought of not going because I have so much to get done.  And yet, I need the break of being with friends and just be me.  Does that make sense? I really don't have 3-4 hours to let go of today.  But I also know with hubby home, I will lose nearly as much time as if I stay home, he will expect (I believe) that I will fix breakfast as I usually do on Saturday mornings, and then of course I have to sit down and eat with him.  And he.can.eat.slow if he wants me to sit with him and give him my attention.  I'm done and ready to jump on the next project!  By the time he takes his last bite I'm scooting back in my chair to get on with my day! Does that make me a bad person? I do try to wait until he is finished.

I want to get some breads made today so that I can get packages in the mail on Monday to my siblings and to my in-laws.  I have all this wrapping to do - and I can't even remember who I bought what for!   I know I have been able to scratch several off my lists.  Trust me, it's another lesson learned - not so much about the money spent, but about the number of gifts - I've got to stop!  I forget that I have bought all year long!  I'm still taking things down out of the closet!   I think I need to lay every thing out at one time - and THEN wrap - and not wrap and forget to write it down and then think I've forgotten someone.  These boys though, I am having the most trouble with them.  Flannel Shirts and hoodies have been the gifts for several years - I'm wanting to surprise them with something different.  I'm thinking perhaps I will fix up a 'goodie bag' for them... but then, would they want it? Are they a snacker?  I don't think any of them like anything I bake except maybe cookies - so maybe some cookies?  Everyone likes cookies, right?  I don't want to bake those until just before they come over though so that they don't get (eaten) stale (right?). I don't generally freeze cookies.   I will have salsa for each one - I think most, if not all, like my salsa.

I'm actually glad we are stretching Christmas out.  As of right now, my daughter and family will be Christmas Eve.  Then the Saturday after Christmas, it will be my oldest son and his family.  And then on Sunday, after church, will be my youngest son and his family.   I will have time to prepare for each family and then just sit back and enjoy being with them.  I don't need anything - seriously - I want to just be with them.  If you HAVE to get me something, get me a nice Christmas t-shirt - and I'm going out on a limb.  I've always asked for a LARGE size because I'm so self-conscious about my rolls.  But I've received a couple medium shirts lately and although they show my rolls, my rolls are going down and the shirt feels comfortable and I feel thinner in them.  Does that make sense?  I look at photos with me in a large t-shirt and (because I have small shoulders), I look like I'm drowning in the shirt.  I noticed it in a Christmas photo last year with my granddaughter, and especially in the photo my brother sent me to paint.  I couldn't even bring myself to paint it, I hated the way I looked in the t-shirt so much. I put it away.  I need to find a better photo and have it printed to paint.  I need to wear clothes that fit me better and not worry about hiding my rolls, right?   Life has made me so self-conscious - but hey - at least I'm working on it!  Now if I could just watch my eating and eat right.  Maybe I need to start doing my glucose testing again - I have the meter and some testing strips - but once these are gone - I won't get any more as I quit the program.  Hmmm I wonder if they can be bought outright? I don't know!  Maybe if I limit myself to 100 carbs instead of the 30 that Virta was wanting me to stay at?  (And my son thought the 60 the hospital was wanting to keep him on was a joke!)

Am I rambling again?  I told you I'm losing my mind!

I did have a fun time with my boss at the Christmas Ideas house.  I bought too much, but did take care of a couple white elephant gifts I need for a couple parties at the office.  If it wasn't that I'd get to see my friends there, I wouldn't bother to go.  It took me an hour to get to Mesa yesterday morning in the traffic - and it was a Friday!   I stopped at my hairdresser's yesterday on the way back and he trimmed and colored my hair.  It's really blond now.  More blond than I thought it would be, but he is trying to 'hide' the white.  Next time we will try brown streaks to maybe bring color back in it.  I'm a mess, I'm telling you!

The message I'm doing tomorrow at the RV Park is on Hope.  Lord knows that we all can use Hope - right?  We all are hoping for something.  Sometimes it is hope for health issues, sometimes it is hope for financial issues, sometimes it is hope just to get through another day.  We have this promise in Psalm 145:14 (NLT): The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those beneath their loads.  

How many times do we feel that we have just 'fallen and can't get up'?  I know I have felt that at times, just not mentally, but physically as well.  Life can be crushing at times and the devil will do all he can to load all he can upon us heads and upon our shoulders to weigh us down with the burden we all tend to carry around.  As parents we want the best for our children and many times there is nothing we can do but pray for them.  We have to cut the apron strings and allow them to fall - brush themselves off - and pick themselves up.  Our job is to pray and to be there for them; but also to help in critical needs.  We need to model for them (and I obviously did not do it well) that their trust should be in God, not in their jobs, not in financial status.  All those things fade away, but trusting in God and leaning into Him, remains forever.

I choose remaining in God forever.  I obviously have messed up my life many times - I fall, but I seek God's help in getting back up. And so can you.  Health issues?  Ask God for healing.  Maybe that is what He is waiting for!  Seek, Ask, Believe.   Financial issues?  Stop spending except for necessities.  So what if it's Christmas.  IF you feel you need to get a gift for someone, make them something - or just give one gift.  IT'S THE THOUGHT - NOT THE GIFT!    I feel I'm preaching to myself.  Sigh.

I need to get off here and see what I can do before heading to Needles. Hope that you have an amazing day. Maybe, just maybe, someday, I will get my mind back; for now, I think it went on vacation.

Blessings!

Schedules can be frustrating and demanding....

 I've often commented that 'my life was not my own'. But - with that being said, not complaining, just putting words on 'paper'.  After all, if I didn't write anything, you wouldn't have anything to read, right? And you know how you would miss that.

Update..... Hubby's jaw was swollen like he had a egg still in its shell pushed in there!  He was miserable last night, and from what he told me, he used the ice pack most of the day.  It was also pretty red.  I thought he might have been rubbing it, but I'm wondering now - the thought has occurred to me - perhaps it was the ice pack.  It didn't seem quite as red this morning but was definitely still swollen pretty badly. He'll be ok, but I'm guessing his oral surgery was more extensive than mine was.  I had minimal swelling and no redness (and I didn't use an ice pack either).  He hasn't complained of a lot of pain, sticking pretty much with tylenol, but today is the day it will hit as all the pain meds should be wearing off they gave through the IV.  He still can't eat but soft foods.

I did go online yesterday and placed an order @ Fry's to pick up in the afternoon.  I got him cottage cheese and yogurt, so I imagine he is happy about that.  Got several other things as well  And, I signed up for 'Hello Fresh' yesterday as well.  They ship 3 meals a week.... normal price feels pricey, but it is worth it having everything - including spices - together for a meal.  And, even with the regular price tag, for a month it equals out for it will be easier to prepare than going out - and then that makes it cheaper.  But then again, I forgot how much hubby goes out to eat.  Well, I get the first 4 weeks 50% off through my company so am trying it.  I may try it for a few months and if it isn't working for us, will cancel.  I tried another company a few years back but cancelled after the 2nd week.  We just weren't eating the food and hubby - whose job at that time was to cook our evening meal because he didn't work - wouldn't pull it together.  Thought I would try it again.  I won't need to go to the grocery store except for basics.  Now mind you, these aren't snacks, but meals.  I chose high protein foods - so much of our food will be chicken.  I can't wait to try the chicken parmesan.  Yes, I have to do the cooking and put it together - it isn't a TV dinner - but at least I will have everything at my fingertips to put it together.  Stay tuned.  We get the first order on Tuesday.

In a bit will text the grandson that we do need to put off going to dinner to one evening next week or next weekend to take him out for his birthday.  Hubby just can't do it today.  I fixed mac and cheese (from scratch!) yesterday and cottage cheese and tomatoes for dinner last night.  He ate it all so guess he is doing ok in the eating area.  

Today was going to be crazy busy but things have changed somewhat.  Great-granddaughter has a soccer game this morning - I thought it was 8:30 but looking at the schedule it is 9:30 today.  It's also Needles of Hope.  I'm hoping the game will be done by 10:30 so that I can get to NoH and meet up with the girls.  There will be yarn for free.  I'll get whatever is left over.  That is how I keep my stash at home.  I get the leftover yarn.  And I don't mind - I'm not as good at it as the others are and about all I do is baby blankets.  They do fancy ones.  I do good to get a square one. And I'm happy with that!  I do it for fun, for relaxation, for donating.  And I do it so that I can hang out with dear friends.  And I get free yarn when someone donates some.  

My youngest and I will be meeting up next week and he is taking me out - so next Saturday will be busy.  I thought the soccer game would be 9:30 - but it's 10:30 and I'm to pick him up at 11:15.  I may need to let hubby go without me. I have a mani/pedi appointment at 12PM but may need to bump it out.  Probably should, and save myself stress.  I'll need to process it all and figure it out.  Processing what I need to do next week - a lot of things can happen over the week.

Job 23:10-11 (NKJV):  "But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His way and not turned aside."

You remember the story of Job, don't you?  All that God allowed satan to put him through. Yes, God allowed it.  He knew that Job was His.  And yes, yet He allowed the loss of his 10 children, the loss of all his wealth, the loss of his health.  Job lost it all.  But when he was tried and tested, and proven true, God rewarded him with more than he had before.  I just feel sorry for his wife cause he got another 10 kids!  And you know it wasn't 'poof' it happened!  

So many times we all go through struggles in life.  Some people lose a child or a spouse unexpectedly.  Some lose a job and their income.  Sometimes it is just 'life' that happens.  But do we remain faithful during those times of struggle?  Honestly, I can't say that I have always.  

I do know that through our toughest financial time I was crying out constantly to God for relief.  We had nothing.  All we had was my income, and at that time, it wasn't much.  The kids were grown and gone, so it was just us.  But we couldn't meet the bills and I didn't know what to do.  I cried out to God time and time again.  And you know what?  He answered me!  As I read my Bible, He showed me He would take care of me.  Of us.  And He did.  He provided in ways I would not have expected.  I can't even remember how.... other than the money was always there to make a payment.  We always had food on the table.  We were always taken care of.  I felt like Job at that time... although I did have a job to bring some money in.  But I was hurting on the inside, and yet, I was trusting and crying out to God that He provide all we needed.  And He did.  So grateful.  So blessed.  Glory to God.

So what are you going through right now?  Do you feel alone in all the struggle?  Do you feel like no one cares and no one is helping you?  Why not go to the One who CAN help you?  Why not just sit down and ask God to help you through this struggle.  To provide that needed job.  To cause the money to stretch further so that all things can be met.  To keep everyone healthy.  To meet every need that you have.  Sometimes all it takes is just asking Him.  He doesn't always give us the answer we want - and we may never see the results of our prayers until years later.  We may think He hasn't answered our prayers at all and we get angry with Him.  And yet.... in time, your eyes will open and you will see how God has taken that painful time and turned it around for your good.  You got your answer.... just not int he time frame or the way you wanted.  It may not even be the answer you wanted.  But, look at how things have turned out.  Are you loved?  Are you supported?  Are you cared for?  Do you have any of the things you dreamed of?  

The Lord knows I haven't received all the things I've prayed for over the years, but I don't give up; I keep praying for some of those.  I also know that some things that I've prayed for will never come to pass because they are not for His purposes.  Some things were stupid prayers.  Some times I just need to keep my focus on God's heart, and not on His hand.  And maybe you do too.  Trust Him.  He will take care of you.

Blessings!