It was earlier than I wanted this morning.

 I awoke around 3AM and told myself "Nope!  Go back to sleep!"  And I did, until around 4-ish when hubby reached over and touched my shoulder and shook it, making me instantly awake.  I reluctantly looked at the clock and resisted the urge to tell him it's only 4AM, it's Sunday, leave me alone!  But instead, I got up and made my way into this room.  I always love spending my time with Jesus every morning, and even though I had planned a little later because of it being Sunday, it's ok.  Hubby also got up and started making the coffee.  When he brought my coffee he asked me, "Did you hear something crashed just before you work up?"  Uh, no, I woke up because you touched my shoulder and shook me.  He said he walked through the house and couldn't find anything amiss.  I'll do a walk-through next door this afternoon to make sure that after the storm we had yesterday there are no leaks or anything wrong there.

Well, I didn't get the boxes done yesterday.  I thought about it.  I even went out in the garage and looked at them.  But I didn't do anything with them.  I DID get the freezer cleaned out and defrosted some (didn't get all the ice out) and the food put back in.  I like have the similar foods on the same shelf so I know about what I have and what is needed.  At least I could mark one thing off my want to do list.  I had wanted to pull my car out of the garage and work on the boxes (more room) but with the storms, didn't want to.  Before the first storm hit, I did go across the street to visit my neighbor and sat with her through the first storm.  

Today is Sunday and we'll be getting ready for church soon.  I wonder what our pastor will preach on today.  Last Sunday it was on Serving.  Hubby and I discussed the message again last night - where did we think we could serve in our church.  For now, all I could think of was greeting.  We did that at the last two churches we attended as well.  It's a great way to meet people and get facial recognition if not also their names.  Not every Sunday, of course, and with our upcoming hit and miss schedule of attending church, that would be about the only thing.  I'd love to teach Discipleship - the one that taught me - and I will mention it to the pastor when we meet them next Saturday for lunch.  But, I don't want to do it on a Sunday.  I would consider taking the Monday night we go to Bible study and create a study group here in our home, but then we wouldn't be with the friends we have made in the current class.  Not sure if I want to give up another evening.  And hubby and I discussed it; neither of us want to give up our Tuesday evenings.  Guess I'll do the best thing I can - pray about it and see what God wants us / me to do.  He may want us to wait for something else; or He may want us to just help wherever help is needed.  

Ephesians 2:10 (NKJV):  "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared before hand that we should walk in them."

Wherever and whatever God leads us to accomplish, we will do.  Only then will it be successful.  It's not about us... it is about God using us for His glory alone.  Perhaps, since it is time for us to start doing the preaching at the RV parks we are to sit back another season.  Will see what God has planned!  He has prepared something for us to do.... we just have to wait on His timing, and not ours.

One thing I have learned over the years is that I do not always get what I ask God for.  I may not always see His hand is what I do get.  He removes people and things from my life at times, and I may wonder why.  And He brings new people in to my life (and again, I may wonder why!).  

For example, remember my talking about a new friend I met in Bible study and she and I had lunch, we got along great, we enjoyed each other's company?  Well, I am a bit confused right now and I just have to trust God for whatever comes of it.  She had written me an email (we had been emailing every few days and talking about different things) and had commented about her relationship with God.... she had had a difficult relationship with her father and how that affected her relationship with God, as it often does.....  well, I skimmed the email, nothing came to me to respond  and I really didn't feel what she said in that paragraph needed a response.....  so when a couple weeks later I had a chance to email her, I did.  Her response was that I had let her down by NOT responding; she felt she had opened her heart to me and I ignored her.  She ended with basically 'the holidays are coming and families will get together and I don't have one so will talk to you after the holidays because I know you are busy.'  Okay..... I emailed her right back, of course, and apologized about not immediately responding... got no response.  A few days later I again sent an email and apologized and tried to make arrangements to meet up for lunch one day... and have not heard from her.

I thought we had become good friends.  I can understand she may have felt hurt that she 'opened herself up to me' and I didn't respond right away.  When I reread her email, that I had not responded to, I really didn't see anything for me TO respond to.  I'm sorry I hurt her feelings, yes, but if she is going to hold it against me I didn't respond to an email, I need to step back.  God will work in this situation and if we are to be 'close' friends, then God will make it happen.  I like this person and I enjoy our talks.  She does make me squirm sometimes because her questions are so deep.  But, she has chosen to back away and I will not force friendship upon anyone.  I will keep in touch by an occasional email, whether or not she responds... and after a few of no response, I will leave her alone.  I understand she is busy too - going back for her PhD (and her 3rd master's degree!) and working a new job.  Even being single, it is busy stuff!  I'm lazy/busy at times too. :-)   Sometimes one just needs to step back and let God handle things.

And so that is what I'm doing with this friendship.  Some friendships last; some do not.  Some are silver, some are gold. :-)  Choose friends wisely and let God help them grow.

Blessings!

Grateful

 Yes, I am feeling grateful today.  Why?  Because it is Saturday and it has been a really tough week in many ways.  I need this day off work, and I really wish I could stay here in my room all day with no contact with anyone but God.  But, that is not going to happen today as I must soon come out.  Hubby will want breakfast and because it is Saturday, unless he has something scheduled or I do, I cook breakfast.  At least I think I can convince him NOT to go out for breakfast this morning..... we both know we need to lose weight and need to cut back on carbs and sugar and fat stuff.  So I will cook bacon and eggs this morning.  Yeah, I know, the bacon.  But at least they are little.

I woke up about 4:30AM this morning and came in to my room here, meaning to get immediately in to my Bible reading....only to close my eyes for a few moments and then fell asleep for a few more minutes.  I just felt like I had no energy, no strength.  I think it is that I am just tired.  Don't really know why, though, so guess it is just a mental tired since I haven't done any manual labor.

But I plan to today!  I've started a list of things I want to get done today - and after breakfast, I want to get those cardboard boxes straightened up out in the garage that hubby nags me about.  And I can hopefully get him to take the items to Savers that he has talked about for three weeks he needs to take.  That would help that area as well.  I also want to defrost the freezer.  Since it was moved from our other house, it seems to have a 'leak' in the vacuum seal and it causes more ice/frost to form more frequently.  It isn't bad just yet, but I like to keep it clean so that I don't have to spend hours on it.  I can probably get it completed in just a few hours today.  And it will all be a win-win - I'll get 'exercise' in getting things done, right?  Which will feel good to get my body moving!

I have many projects that I'd like to get busy doing.  I also need to get started on the messages I will share starting next month at the RV parks.  Haven't even started yet and I speak on November 27th for the first one.  I've got to get my mind straightened out and focused and get these done.  I have two topics that one of the RV parks has asked I do.... but I still need to create the messages.  I don't know how vocational pastors can work all week and preach on Sundays every week and still have a family life.  I applaud them.  Of course they probably have the training and the training I have is being shown how to do it in a class and then self-teaching myself.  I love to do it and I love to share Jesus with others, and that is what keeps me going.   It will be interesting to see how hubby is going to do this year.  Interestingly, he was told by a pastor friend he had lunch with recently that he is more of an evangelist versus a pastor.  This may be his last year to preach... but I know he likes the money he gets so I don't know.  He's scheduled 3-4 times, I think.  

2 Timothy 4:1-5 (NKJV):  "I charge you therefore before God and the Lord Jesus Christ, who will judge the living and the dead at His appearing and His kingdom: Preach the Word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables. But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."

I often wonder what I would do with my time if I wasn't working.  We couldn't afford to travel, and I don't necessarily want to.  I would love to interact with people and serve them as a volunteer somewhere.  I would love to be in full time ministry.... that was always my dream.  I refuse to think I am too old to be about God's business.  He has called me to do what I do for Him.  I need to work at being better prepared, yes, and study more.  I don't have to always be busy doing things.  Now that I can convince hubby on an occasional night to leave the TV off, I put down my crochet, sewing, or knitting, and I read.  I have so many books I want to read and many on my kindle.  I keep downloading and intend to read them.... but got to keep the TV off so that I can!  Grateful for what I can get.

I've always prayed for a double portion of Elijah's mantle as Elisha got.  Sometimes I pray for more.  I believe, when the time is right, that God will put me where He wants me.  Being patient doesn't come natural for me but I do pray that I wait upon God's timing and not my own.  And if I am wrong, that He doesn't have a place for me, I pray that He will just use me where I am.  I bought a new book recently called 'Receiving Mantles from the Courts of Heaven' by Robert Henderson.  The subtitle is 'Supernatural Empowerment to Fulfill the Call of God on Your Life'.  I've been able to read about a chapter every morning in here, and it has proven to be a very good book.  It starts off about a dream a man had about a huge closet in heaven full of mantles that people have not asked for.  God has a mantle for each one of us to further His kingdom.  And we are not asking for our mantle.  It may not be a mantle of OUR choosing, but one that He has chosen for us.  I'm searching for my mantle and am praying that God will lay that mantle upon me so that I can share Jesus with others more often and more freely.

What about you?  Curious what your mantle would be?  What is it you like to do?  Perhaps God wants you to take that and turn it in to His Glory.  What if you chose to put God first in your hobby, or whatever it is you like to do?  What if you chose God?  Wouldn't you love to have His mantle placed upon you to serve Him in all you do?  Oh that would be a glorious thing!  If I could do whatever I wanted to do, without comments or repercussions, oh how I would change things up!  But alas, for now, that is only in my dreams, and if God wants to bring them about, He will have to make the changes.

So what's on your agenda for today?  Straightening up cardboard boxes, cooking breakfast, sorting through things.... not necessarily in that order.... maybe go do a little shopping..... oh yeah, it's supposed to rain, maybe I won't go shopping (after all, I might melt)... but I am going to get busy and get things done today.  You are challenged!  Whatever you do, do it for the Lord.

Blessings!

I hear people talking

 as they walk by our house sometimes in the mornings, and this morning they are walking by again.  I'm jealous.  I'd love to get out and walk early in the mornings.... but then, I wouldn't have the time to write in here, would I?  I've been thinking all morning that I need to get my butt back on the treadmill.  Why is it such a problem for me that hubby knows I'm exercising?  It's not a big deal.  I can exercise.  He's happy when I do.  I think it is just the control over me that I feel.  There is no way he will let me go walking outside in the dark... and he just can't go with me.  I'm afraid for him to walk even around the block with me.  I know it was after his surgery before, but he is not stable in his walking long distances and the last time he fell and I couldn't catch him.  And I don't like to talk when I walk.  Unless I'm talking to God, of course, and I frequently do that as I walk.  Even on the treadmill.  30 minutes isn't a long time.  I simply must make the decision and JUST DO IT!

Yesterday I got cranky with work.  I am only to support senior directors and up.  Well, we have a 'senior consultant' who occasionally will ask me to schedule a meeting for her.  Begrudgingly, I do.  Then earlier this week she gives me a long list of names and tells me they are all critical, and she wants it next week.  Yeah, right.  Not this level of people.  So I emailed her after checking and ... didn't I already tell you this earlier this week?... and she didn't respond for a day or so... then yesterday.  She emails me and tells me to schedule on a certain day that I have given her as an option.  All critical, but she wasn't going to get all.  Then she adds in her note, "please make this a series every other week through the end of the year."  Irritated, I tell her I am not going to check every single date, I was going to schedule it every two weeks.  So I did.  Then she comes back that perhaps she didn't explain it right.  She didn't want it on the same day every two weeks.  She wanted me to move the schedules to where it was on different days AND I had to go in and check to make sure certain ones were available.  I did get irritated.  I was already involved in other projects and this took me over the top.  I bit my tongue.  I moved the four meetings she wanted moved.  I checked and made sure the certain people she wanted were available, although all were not.  Then I wrote her back and said basically "every other week is every two weeks, is it not? However, I did move your meetings around and yes, those people are available although every one is not."  And then I wrote my boss and told her what was going on, without mentioning names.  I told her I needed to take time off work because I was getting really grumpy.  My boss told me to take a mental health day if I wanted to - or even an afternoon.

It's good to know that I can.  But I won't.  Why?  Because, as I replied back to my boss, it wouldn't help cause I still had hubby here at home!  If I could disappear ALONE it would be ok.  And I could go on a walk, I suppose.  But still, I just didn't want to work anymore.  I guess I was just overwhelmed with all the projects I have been given lately, by my 'other boss' tagging me in emails to others saying '@ (me), please schedule this meeting' or 'make sure you do this'... ugh.  

Part of it may be because I am longing to get away for a retreat, and hubby wants to as well, but his idea of a retreat and mine are not the same.  Not that either of us are wrong.  There are just different kinds of retreats.  His is more like a little vacation, I think.  Mine is more alone with God type.  But vacation retreats are good too.  I just listen better when I'm alone with God.

Romans 12:2 (NKJV):  "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

Matthew 14:23 (NKJV):  "And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray.  Now when evening came, He was alone there."

Jesus gave us the example on getting away to spend time along with His Father, and we are to do the same.  Get alone with our Heavenly Father.  I think that's why I get up so early each morning and come into my room to read my Bible and listen for what my Father has to say to me.  Sometimes He talks, sometimes He shows me in His Word, sometimes I don't hear a thing.  But I love the no interruptions (except the noises outside; now it's the trash people picking up) and just being able to snuggle with my Abba and let Him hear my heart.

When was the last time you spent time just waiting on God and listening for His voice?  When was the last time you had a conversation with Jesus?  Do you not know that Jesus is always in the chair beside you, or even sitting on the floor, waiting on you to just talk with Him and tell Him what you are feeling, what is going on.  He loves to talk and to listen to you.  Trust me, I fill His ears up good some times with my requests and my thoughts and my .............  well, you get the idea.  I love it that no matter where I am (even in the shower!) I can lift up my eyes and know He is listening and wanting to hear from me.  Go ahead, talk to Jesus.  You know He is with you, waiting on you.  He's listening.

Blessings!

I look gorgeous....

 haha  that got your attention, huh!  I did go get my hair colored, or highlighted, I guess it is - yesterday.  It felt so good to have my head massaged as he washed it.  Best part of getting one's hair done.  The massage of the head. LOL  All I got was a trim - and highlights.  And my hair feels so clean and soft.  And, all hubby said was 'he did a nice job on your color'.  And I don't care.

Yesterday was a busy day workwise.  A hour before I was to leave for my hair appointment, my boss sent me several visio organizational charts and asked me to 'fix them' and resend to her for an urgent meeting.  An hour.  I said a quick prayer and got started.  I sent them all back to her about 5 minutes before I had to get out of here to make my appointment.  I would have been late for the appointment if need be, for I needed to finish those first.  After all, she was letting me off work an extra hour or so to get my hair done in the middle of the day.  I usually work my lunch hours for the most part, which she knows, and I sometimes have to work late to complete specific tasks, so if I take off in the middle of the day to get my hair done, it isn't a big deal.  I don't get overtime pay, so the occasional long lunch or whatever makes up for it.  I'm glad I'm working from home for it does make it much easier.

I know I already have tasks to work on when I sign on the computer this morning.  There were emails I left alone when I signed off, because I knew I could do them today.  I was tired, and I wanted to just rest.  Made ham and potato soup yesterday  afternoon so supper was done when I got 'off work'.  Leftovers today for lunch, I imagine.  If not lunch, it will be for dinner.  Thinking about it, it does sound pretty good.  I forgot to cut up onions last night.  Hubby mentioned it as we ate dinner... did I put onions in it... well, I don't usually while it's cooking, but do add crisp onions when we eat it.  But I forgot.  He didn't get up to cut up any, and neither did I.  But I will when we have the leftovers today.  It just adds that 'little bit' to it.

Amazon prime day came and went and I didn't care.  Seriously.  I did order a couple things I wanted (a book, some shampoo and conditioner) but I didn't get pulled into all the 'money-saving deals'.  Why?  Because there is nothing we need, and I have no idea what to get others for Christmas.  So why buy things if I don't know who to give them to?  I save a lot of money that way. LOL  Actually, I probably spend more money 'that way' because when I finally think of something to buy someone, there is no sale and I probably pay full price.  I'm 'tickled pink' that I have one child completely finished for Christmas.  But what about the others?  I have no idea.

I'm reading in Mark in my Bible currently and I underscored some of the passages.  One of which was:

Mark 9:33-37 (NKJV):  "Then He came to Capernaum. And when He was in the house He asked them, "What was it you disputed among yourselves on the road?"  But they kept silent, for on the road they had disputed among themselves who would be the greatest.  And He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, "If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."  Then He took a little child and set him in the midst of them. And when He had taken him in His arms, He said to them, "Whoever receives one of these little children in My name receives Me, and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but Him who sent Me."

Powerful verses, don't you think?  So many times we think we have to be first in everything.  We have to be greater than everyone else.  Sure, we all want to be successful and be the best in our field of expertise, and that is ok.  What Jesus is talking about here is not to push our way to the top.  Don't insist everything is about you.  We don't have to be the center of attention all the time.  It isn't about US.  When we step back and allow others to be themselves, we are allowing Jesus to work through us.  I am reminded that my oldest son will always be the last one to go through the line for food.  He used to eat a lot and that way he didn't worry about someone not getting any because he double dipped into the bowl.  (we never ran out of food)  We always thought it was considerate of him, in spite of the reason. But this scripture is sorta like that.

My son could have insisted he be the first through the line and helped himself to all he wanted.  But no, he chose to allow others go get their plates filled first.

Jesus is telling us that it isn't being first that counts; being first does not make one a great person.  Take care of others before taking care of oneself.  That is being great.

We need a lot more of that, don't we?  Not necessarily in ourselves, but what we see in others.  I've seen adults push themselves to the front of things just like a child would. Because they wanted to be first.  I've heard adults and children both clamber for attention.... when in time, if they had waited, they would have been asked and honored.  Being pushy to be first never makes one great.  It makes one annoying.

Step back, be last if you have to, but serve Jesus by serving others.  Be greater.

Blessings!

The time was special....

 After hubby left late morning yesterday to do all his running around, I decided when I could take some time and just 'be' with God.  And I followed through.  I sat up in my recliner - so that I didn't fall asleep, for the temptation to take a nap was great - and read my Bible, asking God to reveal to me what He wanted me to hear.  I spent some time in solitude (remember months back when I read the book on Solitude and shared some stuff here?) and just sat with my hands open and asking God to fill me.  I may have sung a song; don't remember.  But it was wonderful to take the time to spend quality time with Jesus and just pray to Him, and know that He heard me.  It was such a peaceful and beneficial time that I didn't want to stop and go back to work.  I wish I could do that every day, but, well, you know my interruptions.

After visiting with my daughter last night (Tuesday Girls' Night Out) I had a few minutes before hubby got home.  I picked up a book by Kyle Idleman that I hadn't read yet; it was a much smaller book (Kyle Idleman wrote one of my very favorite books 'not a fan') so started reading it.  I am reminded of how easy it is to allow things to mess up a relationship.  I didn't get very far into the book when hubby came home and had to give me all the things he did all afternoon.  The very good news is that his results from the MRI and bone scan show that everything is good.  He does need to get another PSA test to see if the numbers stay the same or are still going up.  That was an answer to prayer for he has been terrified of the possibility of cancer.  

Now mind you, I was completely at peace from my afternoon time with Jesus and it carried in to the evening and I was ok to stop my book reading to listen to hubby tell me of his visits to the doctor, the labs, the haircut, etc.  But I really wanted to get back to my book.  But then he continued.....  sigh.

You know my battle with my long hair (my desire) and short hair (his desire).  He never lets it go.  He knows I am going today to get my hair colored again as the gray has taken over.  I usually don't mind it since I don't go in to the office and don't really see anyone.  But, I've seen some photos lately others have taken and yipes!  it's grown out three inches!  So I'm going today to get it highlighted again to help cover some of that different color 3 inches.  So he comments.  "What are you getting done to your hair?"  For most people that would be a honest question, a general question.  But with hubby, it is always an underlying statement....."are you going to get it cut?"  I just looked at him and responded "I'm getting it highlighted, same as always."  That always puts me on a 'guilt trip' because I know God wants me to be obedient to my husband.... but the Bible also says that a woman's head is her glory.  If I want long hair, why can't I have it?  Even our former pastors admonished hubby about his insistence I get my hair cut very short.

I Corinthians 11:15 (NKJV):  "But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her, for her hair is given to her for a covering."

Hubby's mom had short hair; his first wife had short hair; I had my hair short for years because he would wear me down about letting it grow.  I would consider cutting several inches off if he would leave it alone.... but he doesn't.... and in my stubbornness, I only get it trimmed.  And when I come home from getting my hair done, instead of saying my hair looks nice, he will say. "the color looks good" or "Joe did a good job on the color".    Ok, tender point for me.

And if that wasn't enough last night, he comments about this morning being recycle day.  Now mind you I have a big cardboard box that I put all the recycle things in that just needs to be taken out.  I also have a stack of (Amazon usually) cardboard boxes that I have off in the corner that I use for different things and every week will take one or two and put to be filled and set out two weeks later.  Not that I order a lot of things, but they do tend to stack up.  They are in a bit of a mess right now cause I've gone through them.  But, hubby couldn't leave it alone and asked when was I going to straighten up that stack.  I just replied "when I have time" - and got up.  "Where are you going?" he asked.  "To bed" was my response.  And to bed I went.  He stayed up for a little while so I was able to have some time to work through my pain and frustration of his comments before going to sleep.

Now I am not sharing this to 'bash' hubby this morning.  It's just hurtful and I feel I have to fight to just be me.  I'll get to the boxes, I really will.  Some I will break down and put in with the recycle boxes.  I use some to ship packages in.  I use others to wrap gifts in.  I don't want to just throw everything away and then go buy a box to use.  There really aren't a lot of boxes there - and they are all different sizes.  All I need to do is put the smaller boxes inside the bigger boxes and everything will be just fine.  The bigger boxes I use to hold the recycle things we get rid of.  I see the boxes every time I pull in to the garage.  I'm not ignoring them.  I don't want him going through them; he will throw them all away and then we wouldn't have any to put recycle things in.  Ok, enough about that.

I want to be a Follower of Christ and not a fan.  I want to be obedient to all the Bible says, and not just pick and choose what I want to follow.  But sometimes life is so hard.  Do you find it that way as well?  I don't nag at hubby about anything.  I truly don't.  I don't want to fight with him so I choose to let things sit until he decides he wants to do something.  He would sit and eat crackers and cheese for dinner if I didn't take the time to fix him dinner, although there are TV dinners and lots of food in the refrigerator and freezer if he would just take the time to fix it.  It's like he doesn't know how to pull a meal together and will groan about having to fix cheese and crackers because I didn't provide it for him.  I feel there are things I need to stand against, and things I just need to let go.  It isn't worth a fight, it isn't worth getting myself riled up about.

So what's my problem here?  I'm tired.  Tired of always feeling I don't measure up because I don't obey hubby the way he thinks I should.  I really don't defy him that much - if I did, I would have quit work by now.  It is him that tells me no.  Yes, it would be tougher financially, I get that.  But we can do it.  He just likes the lifestyle that my working provides for him and as far as he is concerned, I can work until I die.  And that hurts.  Most men would want their wives to be able to retire if they are and learn to do things together.  Granted, we are not the traveling type; never had the money for it so never developed a desire to do so.  But there is so much to do!  But it is also easier to not do it.

Oh how I long to get back in to my hour of quiet without interruptions and have the peace I felt yesterday afternoon.  This morning the hurt is still there (which is probably why I'm rambling on about it).  I just want to be me.  Is that so bad?  I love my hair long, even though I don't know how to fix it up much.  I want more time to read.  I want more time to keep the boxes stacked up.  I want to go through the cabinets again in the garage and get rid of things.  I want to do those things... and I will do the work in the time I can... when I feel like doing it.

Ok - enough about my 'feelings'.  Are you tired yet of hearing of my whiney issues?  Obviously they are my issues, and yes, I do talk to God about them.  I struggle with whether I should cut my hair to please my hubby or keep it long, the way I like it.  Am I really being disobedient or is he being controlling?  I'm still waiting to 'hear' on that one.

One day at a time is a saying we hear frequently.  And sometimes that is the best we can do.  I hold my tongue so that I don't respond.  I just walk away.  Right now it is the best I can do.  God, please help me to know if I'm being disobedient or if I'm just being stubborn.  If disobedient to You, I will cut my hair.  I will drop everything to clean up the garage corner of boxes.  I will do whatever You want me to do. Help me to listen and hear what You say.  Help me to follow You in all things.  One day at a time.

Blessings!

Yesterday started out good with my coffee....

 but I was pretty much a mess by last night.  Let me explain.  My work day went well, but it wasn't long in the day when I remembered what the day was... what memory it brought back to mind.  I became overwhelmingly broken.  My tears kept coming unbidden, and I'm not sure why.  It's been 36 years since Amy, Kara, and Little Buddy were burned in the home fire.  Why was it breaking my heart yesterday?  Is it still part of the 'break my heart, Lord, for what breaks yours' request I asked last week?  I'm sure God was brokenhearted at the death of the three children, although He could have prevented it - and did not.  Why?  I have no idea.  I only know it really messed some of us up.  I haven't been affected like this in years and don't understand the why of it now.  What is God preparing me for?

My comfort is knowing that these three small children are in heaven with Jesus.  Perhaps they were 'saved' from something much worse.  Maybe their death was for us.  I know my little brother never got over the loss of his children.  Years later he would sit at a fast food restaurant with his children's photos laying out on the table, sobbing greatly over his loss.  I remember being told one time his blood pressure shot up so high from his anguish that an ambulance was called and he was taken to the hospital.  I cannot imagine the loss of one of my children, my grandchildren, or even now my little great-grandchildren.  I don't even want to think about that - and I continuously ask God to watch over and protect them.

Perhaps it was missing my siblings who have already passed away.  I miss my big brother a lot.  I miss my big sister and I miss my little brother.  Yesterday my little sister and I even chatted about our loss of siblings and I found it interesting that she claimed she would be the last one of us left.  Because she is the youngest I guess.  But none of us know who will be the 'last one standing'.  

Perhaps that is what started the tears yesterday.  We went to Bible study last night and at one point, for some unknown reason, I ended up sharing about my little brother and the loss of his children.  I guess it is because of the grief I carried in my heart over the loss of those I love.  My anguish.  I don't know.  I didn't mean to share.  Hubby said he was surprised I did.  But I felt so overwhelmed at the loss.  When we went to bed last night, I found myself crying myself to sleep.  What is going on with me?  Why were the tears falling into my pillow?  

I have no answers to what I was going through last night.  Is God preparing me for something?  I don't know.  I've already spent time with Him this morning, asking Him questions and seeking His face.  I plan to take some time later today to just sit with Jesus and let Him minister to my heart.  Hubby said he wasn't going to the Bible study this morning, because he has a doctor's appointment late morning, and then a haircut, and then his study tonight.  He will be gone most of the afternoon.  Although I don't always take a lunch hour, my thought is to take that hour while he is gone, and the house is quiet, to get away from my work computer for 'lunch', and just sit with Jesus.  

I'm sure what I've written is pretty deep for some.  I don't even understand why it was/is affecting me the way it has.  Why did I even share it? It was 36 years ago!  But it felt like yesterday.  The anguish was so great.  Was I to share it because someone needed to hear they can get through loss and grief?  It will be hard, but there is someone who is our Comforter in times like that.

John 14:16 (KJV) "And I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may abide with you forever."

In other translations He is called the Helper, the Advocate, and other definitions.  But it is the Holy Spirit whom was sent to abide in us and to help us in whatever we go through.  Do I believe the Holy Spirit was with me even with my sorrow and tears yesterday?  Yes, I do.  I don't have any answers as to why I was in such anguish of soul.  My faith has not wavered; I know that even when I don't know the why of things that happened, God has it all in the palm of His hand; nothing misses Him.  Nothing catches Him by surprise.  He knew what my yesterday was going to be like even 36 years ago.

And He knows what your days are like.  In spite of our sorrows, in spite of our anguish of soul, Jesus is always there for us.  He never lets us down.  Even when we don't sense His Presence, even when we don't believe He cares for us, that He has forgiven us, that He has set us free ..... even when we don't believe it, He Is.

Remember when Jesus walked on the water and His disciples thought He was a ghost when He walked on the water to them?  They asked who it was... and He responded "It is I."

Mark 6:49-51 (NKJV):  "And when they saw Him walking on the sea, they supposed it was a ghost, and cried out; for they all saw Him and were troubled. But immediately He talked with them and said to them, "Be of good cheer!  It is I; do not be afraid." Then He went up into the boat to them, and the wind ceased. And they were greatly amazed in themselves beyond measure, and marveled."

Jesus still walks on water; He still is with us.  We are not to be afraid, but to trust, in faith, in Whom He is.  Holy Spirit, come.

Blessings!

mmm Flavored.... just right

 On Saturday morning my son gave me a box of flavored coffee.  When I brought it home, I told hubby how I wanted it used.  Since I enjoy a couple cups of coffee sometimes, I want my dark roast 8 oz, and then use the flavored 12 ounces.  Pastor Steve taught me that when he was here - we'd stop for coffee at Circle K and instead of just getting the flavored coffee, he would take a coffee pot and fill a cup part-way, and then fill the rest with the cappuccino.  It just really enhances the flavor.  So - hubby didn't bring it yesterday morning, but he did fix it for me this morning - and it is so good!  But, I think I will tell him to leave it for Saturday/Sunday mornings when I can sit back and really enjoy it.  I can during the weekdays, but I'm 'busy' trying to stay focused to get everything done I want to - and on weekends I can dwaddle, for the most part. 

The message at church yesterday was so powerful and so good, and has given me a lot to think about.  The title was 'What are you doing?'.  Of course the reference was more in to 'what are you doing (how are you serving) in the church'.... but it has given me a lot of thought about other things as well.  Currently we are not serving in the church at all.  The thought of being greeters an occasional Sunday has come to mind and we just might offer to do that, perhaps for the second service, since we go to the first.  It does help to get to know people, especially by 'face' when we don't have a chance to talk.  I'd love to teach a class, but I'm not sure how that would go over.... you know the situation I have with hubby's jealousy of my getting to do something and he doesn't, or he gets to the number of people coming to class and is his class bigger or smaller than mine.  That stuff just doesn't bother me.  I've taught classes where only one person was in it.  If they are there to learn, I am there to teach.  I've thought about an available evening - and even that is hard to come up with.  Currently Monday-Tuesday-Wednesdays are used - and Thursdays we sometimes go out with friends for dinner.  Yeah that leaves Friday-Saturday-Sunday... but we always find other things to do.  And then fall is coming and we have our RV preaching..  I meant to work on that this weekend and instead took a nap yesterday.  A much longer nap than I had planned to take.  Got to write myself a note and put it where I can see it - I must get started on those!

So I don't know how we can serve - perhaps when we meet with the pastor and his wife for lunch on the 22nd we can talk about it.  Surely there is something we can do that we can do together.  It's just hubby and my styles are so different and our thinking is different.  Although.... he did tell me last week when he met with another pastor friend for lunch, this pastor told him that he is more of an evangelist versus a preaching pastor.  I thought that was interesting.  Not for me to dispute or encourage.  Me - I just enjoy telling others about Jesus and how to live for Him - I enjoy it enough I'd do it for free.  I sometimes think, with all his grumbling, that hubby keeps pushing to stay on the list so that he can be paid.  For some people that is their value.  Not to put anyone down.  There comes a time when one needs to say 'no'.  I've gotten that way a couple times the past couple of years... but I do love to be with those we know at the RV parks and I love sharing Jesus with them.  It's just the work involved sometimes is overwhelming.  I've got to research, type out, study, and make sure my notes are correct.  Delivery of it isn't so much of a problem; I'm not confident in myself, but I am confident in the Word so know I can share it.  Need to get busy on researching NOW so that I can be prepared THEN.  I just feel like I 'come alive' when I share the Word of the Lord.  My soul feels free. Does that make sense?

Today is Monday and it's 'back to work'.  Both of my bosses are working today, although my male boss is still in Utah and working remote.  The other admin is back today from her tour of Egypt so I don't have to cover for her.  I still have several things I need to get done today that I didn't finish last week.  But, I did get all the meet and greets scheduled and I hope all the equipment.  I remembered late Friday that I had ordered the equipment for the new hire starting 10/24 - but forgot to tell them to ship it to him!  So sent them an email to which they had not respond last time I checked.  That's what happens when there are a lot of distractions between work - and home!  And that's when I just want to retire and not do this anymore.  

Since I did take perhaps a 2 hour 'nap' yesterday afternoon I had trouble getting to sleep last night.  I have still been pondering over the questions in the Rooted book.  I kept asking God 'what is it that I haven't confessed to You and asked forgiveness for?' - and nothing would come to mind.  Then I tried to remember the word given for it in one of my devotionals.  I thought I had it - and this morning I confirmed it - it's called 'Rapid Repentance'.  When I do something wrong, or feel convicted of something, I immediately go to God and ask His forgiveness and repent of whatever it is.  That is 'Rapid Repentance'.  Because I choose to do that, I don't know that I have anything that I hold on to.  Even if it involves relationships.

And to work through THAT aspect of it..... we had been invited over for lunch today at the youngest son's house to celebrate his and her birthdays.  Yeah, they are just days apart.  I feel it is more to get HER attention, since it is always the closest to her birthday, but it didn't matter this time; I have to work today even though it is Columbus Day and whatever other names the government has chosen to give it. I do not get the day off, and told them so.  BUT, since I want to make sure I don't harbor any feelings against anyone, we invited the son and DIL out to dinner last night to celebrate their birthdays since we won't be there today.  It was a nice dinner.  Unfortunately we chose Coco's.... totally not THEIR style but within our budget... and they only had a couple people working the entire place and service was so slow and although the others enjoyed their food, mine wasn't that good.  I didn't make a big deal of it, we ate, we talked, and then we went to our respective homes.  It actually was a nice time.  At least I enjoyed chatting with them.  We need to to that more - having the children over for dinner.  EVERY year I tell myself once a month.... and then never do anything about it.  Maybe soon?

Now I need to jump off and get ready for work.  In my mind I have a lot of other things I'd rather be doing, so that means this is going to be a tough work day to stay focused.  I have an 8AM call with my one boss but it's just to catch up on things.  Next Sunday isn't only my son's birthday, it is also Boss's day and also Sweetest day.  Don't know where that last one came from.  But I do need to figure out something for my boss and at least send her a card. Well, I guess both of them, but will see.

Hope you have an amazing day!  How are you touching others today with words and actions?  Are you being kind?  Are you encouraging?  Go for it!

Blessings!