After hubby left late morning yesterday to do all his running around, I decided when I could take some time and just 'be' with God. And I followed through. I sat up in my recliner - so that I didn't fall asleep, for the temptation to take a nap was great - and read my Bible, asking God to reveal to me what He wanted me to hear. I spent some time in solitude (remember months back when I read the book on Solitude and shared some stuff here?) and just sat with my hands open and asking God to fill me. I may have sung a song; don't remember. But it was wonderful to take the time to spend quality time with Jesus and just pray to Him, and know that He heard me. It was such a peaceful and beneficial time that I didn't want to stop and go back to work. I wish I could do that every day, but, well, you know my interruptions.
After visiting with my daughter last night (Tuesday Girls' Night Out) I had a few minutes before hubby got home. I picked up a book by Kyle Idleman that I hadn't read yet; it was a much smaller book (Kyle Idleman wrote one of my very favorite books 'not a fan') so started reading it. I am reminded of how easy it is to allow things to mess up a relationship. I didn't get very far into the book when hubby came home and had to give me all the things he did all afternoon. The very good news is that his results from the MRI and bone scan show that everything is good. He does need to get another PSA test to see if the numbers stay the same or are still going up. That was an answer to prayer for he has been terrified of the possibility of cancer.
Now mind you, I was completely at peace from my afternoon time with Jesus and it carried in to the evening and I was ok to stop my book reading to listen to hubby tell me of his visits to the doctor, the labs, the haircut, etc. But I really wanted to get back to my book. But then he continued..... sigh.
You know my battle with my long hair (my desire) and short hair (his desire). He never lets it go. He knows I am going today to get my hair colored again as the gray has taken over. I usually don't mind it since I don't go in to the office and don't really see anyone. But, I've seen some photos lately others have taken and yipes! it's grown out three inches! So I'm going today to get it highlighted again to help cover some of that different color 3 inches. So he comments. "What are you getting done to your hair?" For most people that would be a honest question, a general question. But with hubby, it is always an underlying statement....."are you going to get it cut?" I just looked at him and responded "I'm getting it highlighted, same as always." That always puts me on a 'guilt trip' because I know God wants me to be obedient to my husband.... but the Bible also says that a woman's head is her glory. If I want long hair, why can't I have it? Even our former pastors admonished hubby about his insistence I get my hair cut very short.
I Corinthians 11:15 (NKJV): "But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her, for her hair is given to her for a covering."
Hubby's mom had short hair; his first wife had short hair; I had my hair short for years because he would wear me down about letting it grow. I would consider cutting several inches off if he would leave it alone.... but he doesn't.... and in my stubbornness, I only get it trimmed. And when I come home from getting my hair done, instead of saying my hair looks nice, he will say. "the color looks good" or "Joe did a good job on the color". Ok, tender point for me.
And if that wasn't enough last night, he comments about this morning being recycle day. Now mind you I have a big cardboard box that I put all the recycle things in that just needs to be taken out. I also have a stack of (Amazon usually) cardboard boxes that I have off in the corner that I use for different things and every week will take one or two and put to be filled and set out two weeks later. Not that I order a lot of things, but they do tend to stack up. They are in a bit of a mess right now cause I've gone through them. But, hubby couldn't leave it alone and asked when was I going to straighten up that stack. I just replied "when I have time" - and got up. "Where are you going?" he asked. "To bed" was my response. And to bed I went. He stayed up for a little while so I was able to have some time to work through my pain and frustration of his comments before going to sleep.
Now I am not sharing this to 'bash' hubby this morning. It's just hurtful and I feel I have to fight to just be me. I'll get to the boxes, I really will. Some I will break down and put in with the recycle boxes. I use some to ship packages in. I use others to wrap gifts in. I don't want to just throw everything away and then go buy a box to use. There really aren't a lot of boxes there - and they are all different sizes. All I need to do is put the smaller boxes inside the bigger boxes and everything will be just fine. The bigger boxes I use to hold the recycle things we get rid of. I see the boxes every time I pull in to the garage. I'm not ignoring them. I don't want him going through them; he will throw them all away and then we wouldn't have any to put recycle things in. Ok, enough about that.
I want to be a Follower of Christ and not a fan. I want to be obedient to all the Bible says, and not just pick and choose what I want to follow. But sometimes life is so hard. Do you find it that way as well? I don't nag at hubby about anything. I truly don't. I don't want to fight with him so I choose to let things sit until he decides he wants to do something. He would sit and eat crackers and cheese for dinner if I didn't take the time to fix him dinner, although there are TV dinners and lots of food in the refrigerator and freezer if he would just take the time to fix it. It's like he doesn't know how to pull a meal together and will groan about having to fix cheese and crackers because I didn't provide it for him. I feel there are things I need to stand against, and things I just need to let go. It isn't worth a fight, it isn't worth getting myself riled up about.
So what's my problem here? I'm tired. Tired of always feeling I don't measure up because I don't obey hubby the way he thinks I should. I really don't defy him that much - if I did, I would have quit work by now. It is him that tells me no. Yes, it would be tougher financially, I get that. But we can do it. He just likes the lifestyle that my working provides for him and as far as he is concerned, I can work until I die. And that hurts. Most men would want their wives to be able to retire if they are and learn to do things together. Granted, we are not the traveling type; never had the money for it so never developed a desire to do so. But there is so much to do! But it is also easier to not do it.
Oh how I long to get back in to my hour of quiet without interruptions and have the peace I felt yesterday afternoon. This morning the hurt is still there (which is probably why I'm rambling on about it). I just want to be me. Is that so bad? I love my hair long, even though I don't know how to fix it up much. I want more time to read. I want more time to keep the boxes stacked up. I want to go through the cabinets again in the garage and get rid of things. I want to do those things... and I will do the work in the time I can... when I feel like doing it.
Ok - enough about my 'feelings'. Are you tired yet of hearing of my whiney issues? Obviously they are my issues, and yes, I do talk to God about them. I struggle with whether I should cut my hair to please my hubby or keep it long, the way I like it. Am I really being disobedient or is he being controlling? I'm still waiting to 'hear' on that one.
One day at a time is a saying we hear frequently. And sometimes that is the best we can do. I hold my tongue so that I don't respond. I just walk away. Right now it is the best I can do. God, please help me to know if I'm being disobedient or if I'm just being stubborn. If disobedient to You, I will cut my hair. I will drop everything to clean up the garage corner of boxes. I will do whatever You want me to do. Help me to listen and hear what You say. Help me to follow You in all things. One day at a time.
Blessings!
