I see it more and more

 My oldest son made a comment recently about something I had written and I, for some reason, cannot get it out of my mind.  I think it is because I see it more and more in conversations.  I was talking with my trainer about it last night, and she agreed with me about what was said.  Or rather, she agreed with my son. I knew this, but I had ignored it.  It was easier to just do what was asked, and yet, I realize I was playing into their hands. On to another subject.

I talked with my little sister yesterday.  She didn't take her laptop to Florida with her because she 'forgot it'.  Ok. Obviously she doesn't use it much.  But she said they had a printer in the airbnb they rent so asked if I would type out and send to her a short note, and she will print it.  Before she leaves for home, she makes up a few bags of things to give to the homeless and they drive to where they are and she hands them bags.  She wants a note put in the bags that just says something like 'Dear Child, I want you to know it's not too late for you to come back to me. Love, God.'  She asked me to type it and send as an attachment, and she would print it to put in the bag.  

Now, I get your thinking on this.  What a silly thing to ask me.  It's only one sentence, so why not just hand write it on a piece of paper and put in the bag?   And that is what I told her this morning. I sent her an email and told her how she can type it out herself on her phone or hand write it out.  I'm still shaking my head as to such a silly thing she is asking of me.   I look back and I see how lazy and dependent upon others she has become.  Especially upon me.  She even made a comment about my still working, how she would trade places with me and I could retire.  But she uses her husband as an excuse as to why she cannot work.  She will put applications in, and when they call for an interview, she makes all kinds of excuses as to why she can't work.  It's her husband's sickness.  He's been sick for ten years and isn't going to get any better - because neither of them want to! It was her choice to retire when she did, although she blames it on her husband.  But she has been out of the business world for about 15 years now, I think, and I don't think she has the abilities she had before to learn how to do things.  Ok - off my soapbox. 

But I will say, that when I DO retire - whenever that may be - I will not be sitting around asking people to do things for me and take care of me.  I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.  I'll bury myself in playing at first, but once I settle down, I will volunteer and do things that I enjoy doing.  I will take long walks. I will make new friends.  I will enjoy life.  Does that make sense?  I will not hibernate and whine about how miserable I am at what life has dealt me.  I will seek God more and be ready and willing to do whatever He has for me.  In the meantime, I will keep working. Even though I gripe and complain about that.  I actually just need quality time off work and get my life back in order, right?  After a few days off work I am usually ready to go back to work!  Just taking last Friday off refreshed me.  And in April I have time scheduled off already as well.  So looking forward to Jailbreak!

Matthew 11:28 (NKJV):  Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

I actually got out and walked twice yesterday.  But because I didn't walk much on Saturday, I fell to 3rd place on Sunday, and last night I was in 4th place out of ten walkers on my team.  Yes, it is my team, which is why I am trying hard to get steps in.  It felt so good to get out and walk freely yesterday. Hubby doesn't even pretend to want to go out and walk, but will moan that he doesn't know why he can't walk very far before he is exhausted, although he can ride 3-4 miles on the bike at the gym.  I don't understand it either, but I think it is more 'want to' than 'can't'.  What do you think?  Yes, I will admit that at times I push myself too much and exhaust myself.  But, I love moving and keeping busy.  I refuse to let life slow me down.  I can always be doing something, helping myself or helping others.  God didn't create me to sit on a chair and whine about my choices, my life.  And He didn't create you to do that as well.

Some of us need to learn to celebrate life.  It's a gift given to us.  What we do with our lives is our gift back to God.  I want to give Him a good gift, don't you?

I am feeling like I need to fast this morning over a family situation.  It's time for someone to put their big pants on and stand up.  Yes, that is my opinion.  I'm not always right.... but God is.  So I am going to fast and pray for this person, that God will intervene in this situation and slap them in the head to make them see what everyone else sees, and quit complaining about their lot in life, which is a result of their choices.  They have a choice now.  Live their life, or be buried in someone else's.  Fight the good fight - and you will win. It won't be easy. It will be painful. It will be a struggle. But you can also be an overcomer - if you choose.  

And we all have that choice - to overcome the situations we find ourselves in.  Then you need to make a decision about what is important to you.  What is the most important thing to you?  Think about that.

I need to get ready for work.... and I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. Oh joy.  I dread the shots - they hurt! But, a necessary part of life, I guess.  Hope you have an amazing, fulfilled, and life-lived day!

Blessings!

I'm feeling it again....

 but will I ever decide to even start?  Actually, there are TWO things I've been feeling ....  1) I look at my soft flabby arms and know I need to push myself to go work out.  Build my muscles. Gain strength.  You know, that kind of stuff.  I sometimes see a photo on Facebook with two photos.  One is a woman who is 70 and she reminds me of my grandma.  Chubby, sitting down, hands folded, long dress, white hair pulled back in a bun.  You have seen those photos, right?  The other photo is also a woman who is 70.  She is standing in workout clothes with a slender strong body, with her arms raised showing her biceps.  And then the caption is something like "which would you rather be?"  I'm the flabby, chubby one sitting down right now, and I don't want to be that way.  Sigh.  I have my weights, my weight bench, my treadmill, etc. so what is my problem?  I don't want advice.  I don't want 'anyone' suggesting to me what I need to do.  I don't want 'anyone' watching me.  I want them to pretend I'm not there.  I want to do it by myself, unless I ask for help.  And some people think they know it all - although they have every excuse not to be doing it themselves.  I have my workout books, and I can do just fine.

I need to move beyond that and just do it.  Right?  I've been watching my food intake for three weeks and haven't lost anything much to speak of.  Now hubby, on the other hand, tells me he has lost 9 pounds.  He is the only man I know that can go to the doctor and lose the same 4-5 pounds EVERY time he goes.  It's like he goes and weighs in, gets a weight.  Eats everything until a few days before he goes back, he loses it.  Now whether the doctor is telling him he lost the four pounds or he is telling me he has lost the 4 pounds... I just don't question.  It's kind of like my mother used to say.  "I've lost 100 pounds this year."  We puase and look at her and she responds, "the same 5 pounds 20 times." 

The second thing?  I've mentioned before that this is a dream I have had all my life.  Because of my love for books, I've always wanted to write my own book.  We watched a movie last night; one that we had seen before but had forgotten.  The story line was about a publishing house and an author.  Yes, it was a romantic movie, and it was a good one.  But it put the longing in my heart again to want to write.  I have no time right now to even ponder a good topic, a good story line; besides, what could I write about?  My life has not been adventurous, at all.  I haven't done any great thing (other than raising 3 awesome children, having 11 awesome grandchildren, and almost 7 great-grandchildren) andI didn't even do all that!  I often dreamed of writing a book.  Perhaps someday.  Perhaps when I can retire and have time to research and think and take my time.  I've heard of lots of older people who didn't write their first book until they were 'old'.  Haven't you?  I still have time to hope, to dream, right?

I met my boss for breakfast yesterday and we both talked about retirement.  The difference?  Her husband is wanting her to go ahead and retire now.  He retired a few years ago; they have not spent money foolishly (following the Dave Ramsey plan), and have invested some.  She's 62.  She wants to wait until she turns 65 so that she can immediately go on Medicare.  I am 72, and my husband panics if I even mention wanting to retire.  I've always been his security blanket.  There would be a lot of changes if I retired now.  I know we could do it, I made sure of that when we bought this place.  One of us could stay here and make it.  I never want to be a burden on any of my children.  I love my 'space'.  I just don't get much of it now.  I told my boss that if she decided to retire before our 'set' date of January 10, 2025, I would need to retire too.  (Did that ever set hubby off when It old him that!  Talk about anxiety! LOL) But on the other hand, I couldn't sit here at home day after day with hubby and not do anything.  So even working from home is mental therapy for me.  But, I do long to be 'free to be me', which is something I haven't been able to do for at least 40 years.

One more week until our weekend getaway up north.  I am looking forward to the mani/pedi that I have scheduled for both of us next Friday.  After that we'll have lunch and then take our time heading north for the weekend.  Hubby's 85th birthday is next Friday - and since I had no idea of what to get him as he needs nothing - and I know how he likes to 'get out of town', decided I'd play it to my advantage and go north where we know all the shops are. :-)  Not that I need anything either.  Except yarn.  I always need yarn.

Finished up a Christmas gift last night only to realize I left off one color.  I need to figure out how to insert this color, perhaps overlay the design.  I don't know right now, but will figure it out.  It can be unique in its own design.  I also talked with my boss about sewing and we both want to get back into that as well.  I enjoy making things 'by hand', and have made all the baby quilts for the grandchildren by hand.  And I have a couple baby quilts ready to be sewn, but to make the decision between sewing and crocheting, it's easier to crochet.  And quieter.

Hmmmm, my printer is making noises and I haven't sent anything over to it.  I really need to turn it off unless I plan to use it.  It's been awhile, but there have been some mornings I can come in and find papers all over the floor with one continuous line where it has typed over and over on that line - and I have no idea where it comes from.  I'll get up and check it soon.  I see a message of some sort on the screen.

Have you ever looked back over your life and seen times that you wished you had chosen differently?  Do you sometimes feel sad because you made the choice you did?  Even with bad choices, if we learn from them, they can become good choices.  I've made a lot of bad choices over the years, and I've learned from many of them.  I've also made bad choices that I still need to learn from!  Sometimes it feels like life is so hard...how will I get through it; and yet, I know that I will.  Sometimes we need to let go of the past so that we can live for and in the future.

Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV):  "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

In fact, I heard a Rabbi speak one day and he actually said these words:  "God can not take you to your future, if you won't let go of your past."  Thought-provoking.   "Let it go".  Learn from it, but let it go.

Blessings!

Pies, neighbors, I live...

I made a pie for a neighbor the other day.  I asked hubby to take it over to her... and he wouldn't go unless I went with him.  So we both walked across the street yesterday to give to her (which she refused, by the way.  She is on a very strict diet, trying to lose weight.  Another reminder of how my backside is spreading from sitting all day and not getting enough exercise.  Walking a bit every so often just isn't doing it.).  In doing so, she announced to us that she is selling her 'house'.  And the way houses are going now, it will go quickly.  I don't know many of our neighbors.  I use the excuse I'm working and can't really get acquainted other than on the surface because hubby wants all my 'free' time and I am glued to my desk during the day.  This one is President of the HOA... and I'm nervous... hubby is the VP....  he told her she couldn't leave until December as that is when the terms are up, I think.  As VP he has contributed, but hasn't been in control of things - that is the President's job.  I don't feel he can perform at that level....and I know how he gets when he can be in control.  Unfortunately, no one is interested in stepping up to lead this section's HOA.  I forget how many 'houses' are in this HOA group.  Not a whole lot, maybe 20.  But it is a headache leading it from what our neighbor says.  She has shared problems with landscaping, people complaing, etc.  Prices of things have gone up so much... she has opted out of winter grass for everyone... she had to make that decision because the price was too high.  I don't want hubby to have to make those types of decisions.

I commented to our neighbor that I understood when she said that she was looking to buy a house.  I get it.  I love our place, don't get me wrong.  It's truly big enough for two people.  And I love the fact that other people take care of the grass.  But ....  I miss having a fenced in back yard in which I can let Sheeba out to run.  I miss getting to make the decision to plant flowers alongside the house if I want.  I miss being able to put things in the yard.  Yes, we have the front courtyard but there isn't much we can do there either.  It gets the full brunt of the sun most of the day.  At least Sheeba can walk around, but we have to be out there in case she decides to go over the 3 ft gate - which I don't expect her to, she hasn't tried yet, but there is always the first time. I miss the outdoor privacy.  So when we got home, hubby makes the comment "I'm not sure what I am more upset about... our neighbor moving, or you being disappointed in living here".  I can't win.  I had explained my comment when I said it.  So I explained it again to him.  I also have mentioned it before that I miss some things.  I've lived in a house for years; of course I miss having my 'space' outdoors.

Today is one of my boss' birthday..... the new one.  I will create a card and send to him although I don't have to, I did mail him one which he should have gotten Saturday.  I miss being in the office and getting to decorate their offices and fill with balloons and streamers.  I miss getting to make a big deal of birhtdays of friends and coworkers.  I miss being able to do things 'on my own' when I'm at the office.  

Wow.  I must be having a 'down time' with emotions these past few days.  I type and erase, type and erase, and unfortunately, leave typed things of no value.  Just rambling thoughts.  The option though is to leave the entire day blank, and why would I want to do that.  Leaving the page blank suggests that I did not live today.

I saw a movie (Shall We Dance with Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez - great movie) that had the line in it, and I'll probably get it wrong, but that 'doing life with someone is a witness to your life, that you lived'.  Yeah, that isn't exactly what was said at all, but does that make sense?

When you have someone in your life, they are a witness that you have lived.   You are my witness of a sort, that I have lived.  I have bared things in these spaces that I could not share with others.  I hide behind the written words so that I can spill out my pain, my frustration, my fears, my thoughts.  Yes, I delete a lot, and I don't always make things clear, but I say enough that it releases a portion of my life that says "I live".

I guess I haven't thought about that so much until this moment.  I feel I don't have much of a life right now.  I feel imprisioned and held hostage.  And yet, I can do things here at home... I just have to deal with the questions and comments.  And I just want to be able to do something by myself, instead of hiding what I'm doing so I don't have to deal with comments. I want to be able to go through personal things without someone standing over me asking questions to which I don't want to answer.  But here, in this space, I am doing something by myself.  And currently, hubby seems to have forgotten about this blog, for if he remembers and decides to start reading it...I will cease to live through this blog.  I only know one person who reads this frequently, and that's ok.  My thoughts and feelings are just rambling words put on this screen.  They get it (at least I think they do).  I don't seek approval; I don't want criticism.  I just want to be able to say 'I lived today.'   They let me do that.

So for today, because I need to get off here and jump in the shower.... I have nothing to say.... other than for now, I live.  You are my witness.

Blessings.

Getting things back to normal....

 Normal.  What does that mean, anyway?  Currently, it means that my computer is working and I can do my job; it means that the sheets are washed and the bed is put back together after the granddaughter stayed the weekend; it means I can get my weight bench back out and begin to work out again.  Ok, so that working out part isn't 'normal', but I want to make it so.

Yeah, I'm getting ready to hit my weights again; in fact, I did start last week but due to lack of space had to move it off to the side against the wall for the weekend, but it's nearly completely cleared off (just have some things I need to send to my sister on it) so I can get back at it again.  I've got to get focused.  Why?  Because I don't want to become frail and fragile as I age.  If I keep moving, I'll keep my muscles strong and my body able to stand straight and move easily.  If I stop and become completely sedentary, I will become weak and my bones will become brittle and unable to support myself.  

My sister is a good example.... remember the falling out of bed she did a few months back?   (She has actually fallen a couple times since then too)  Yeah, she was sitting up, sliding off the bed, when her feet slipped out from under her (rug on a wood floor) and down she went, breaking the T12 and a rib.  She kept commenting that she felt her entire body 'compress' when she fell.  No one would listen to her.  She recently went to the doctor and got measured; had a bone density test.  The doctor called her.  She had shrunk TWO INCHES.  Seriously.  That is what she said.  Plus, she was diagnosed with Osteoporosis.    She now has two choices.  Continue to sit and just do normal household routines - or start lifting light weights, working up to heavier ones, to build strength back into her body.  She SAYS she is going to start lifting.  I had bought her a weight bench earlier for a birthday gift.  It's been gathering dust for awhile.  I don't nag as I don't like people on my case about working out - or not.  It has to be her choice.  The losing two inches has startled her and I'm hoping that soon she will begin to work out again, even if it is only a few arm lifts/extensions.

And I need to get back at mine too.  I am probably just as sedentary as she is as I sit at the desk Monday-Friday.  Hubby is starting to nag at me and it is annoying me.  He actually went to the gym yesterday and did two sets of arm lifts and walked on the treadmill.  Then he comes home to tell me that the Rec center has a big swimming pool that is like a maze and that people just walk through it for exercise.  Now I realize that exercises in water is very good for you and can be just as effective as working with weights.  But it isn't my thing.  And he is nagging at me that I should do it.  I ignored him.  Later he brought it up again and said that 'he' would walk with me in the pool, that lots of people were doing it.  I finally told him that I never got in to the pool we had, so why would I get in the pool there.  His comment?  Why? Because you'd need to put on a swimsuit?  Yes, I was annoyed.  I am not comfortable with the shape of my body and have avoided a swimsuit on most occasions.  Why would I put it on and go out in public?  I just repeated 'it's not my thing and I'm not comfortable with it'.  I will go and lift weights and use the treadmill and other machines.  When I drop 20 pounds I may be more inclined.  But I just don't want to.   Oh, he also wanted me to stop my quiet time early and go at 6AM for 1/2 hour.  I don't do mornings..... as a rule.

I enjoy walking.  I hear people out walking as early as 5AM nowadays.  They are talking as they walk by our house and in the early morning hours the sound carries.  I would stop to walk at 6:30AM with him.... (starting work at 7AM).... but hubby doesn't like to walk.  The last time we walked he went down the side of one block and said he was going back.  His usual excuse.  "I haven't walked for awhile and I don't want to overdo it."  Yep.  That's the excuse.  Just like with working out.  "I haven't worked out for months so I can only do one or two sets."  I choose to push myself... use lighter weights and complete the set.   

I think of Moses and look how strong he was!  And Caleb!  In their 80's +!    And they climbed mountains and cleared land.  And they walked everywhere!  They were strong.  We have become a very lazy people with our lifestyles.  I don't want to fall and break a bone.  I know my bones aren't as strong as they used to be and they won't heal as fast as they would in my younger years.  

I want to live life.  I think back to my parents, my grandparents, and how when they got to a certain age they quit living life.  It's like 'ok, we're 60 now and retired so we can sit and watch TV all day.'  And they did.  Oh mother did her ceramics and all, but it does require sitting all day too.  There is so much to do to live life.  I hear my friends doing things all the time.  I'm not jealous, but I envy the freedom they have to do things.

Ok - time to get back to 'my' normal....  time to shower and get ready to start my day.  I have nothing on my calendar so it will be another day of waiting to respond to emails.  I could do some training... but my 'don't want to' is intact again today.  I keep getting emails from companies wanting me to come work for them.  It's getting comical.  They found my resume that I posted on Indeed back in 2017.  Problem for them is that I'm not looking, nor could or would they pay me what I am making now.  And until I get another boss (and the interviews have started), I won't have that much to do.

Normal.  I want to change my normal.  What about you?  Are you ready to take that walk around the block just to get started?  Grab a couple cans of green beans and lift them just to build up strength in your arms? How about a couple gallons of water?  Could you do 3 sets of ten reps and complete it easily? 

Wishing you a 'normal' day.... whatever that means for you.

Blessings!