Pies, neighbors, I live...

I made a pie for a neighbor the other day.  I asked hubby to take it over to her... and he wouldn't go unless I went with him.  So we both walked across the street yesterday to give to her (which she refused, by the way.  She is on a very strict diet, trying to lose weight.  Another reminder of how my backside is spreading from sitting all day and not getting enough exercise.  Walking a bit every so often just isn't doing it.).  In doing so, she announced to us that she is selling her 'house'.  And the way houses are going now, it will go quickly.  I don't know many of our neighbors.  I use the excuse I'm working and can't really get acquainted other than on the surface because hubby wants all my 'free' time and I am glued to my desk during the day.  This one is President of the HOA... and I'm nervous... hubby is the VP....  he told her she couldn't leave until December as that is when the terms are up, I think.  As VP he has contributed, but hasn't been in control of things - that is the President's job.  I don't feel he can perform at that level....and I know how he gets when he can be in control.  Unfortunately, no one is interested in stepping up to lead this section's HOA.  I forget how many 'houses' are in this HOA group.  Not a whole lot, maybe 20.  But it is a headache leading it from what our neighbor says.  She has shared problems with landscaping, people complaing, etc.  Prices of things have gone up so much... she has opted out of winter grass for everyone... she had to make that decision because the price was too high.  I don't want hubby to have to make those types of decisions.

I commented to our neighbor that I understood when she said that she was looking to buy a house.  I get it.  I love our place, don't get me wrong.  It's truly big enough for two people.  And I love the fact that other people take care of the grass.  But ....  I miss having a fenced in back yard in which I can let Sheeba out to run.  I miss getting to make the decision to plant flowers alongside the house if I want.  I miss being able to put things in the yard.  Yes, we have the front courtyard but there isn't much we can do there either.  It gets the full brunt of the sun most of the day.  At least Sheeba can walk around, but we have to be out there in case she decides to go over the 3 ft gate - which I don't expect her to, she hasn't tried yet, but there is always the first time. I miss the outdoor privacy.  So when we got home, hubby makes the comment "I'm not sure what I am more upset about... our neighbor moving, or you being disappointed in living here".  I can't win.  I had explained my comment when I said it.  So I explained it again to him.  I also have mentioned it before that I miss some things.  I've lived in a house for years; of course I miss having my 'space' outdoors.

Today is one of my boss' birthday..... the new one.  I will create a card and send to him although I don't have to, I did mail him one which he should have gotten Saturday.  I miss being in the office and getting to decorate their offices and fill with balloons and streamers.  I miss getting to make a big deal of birhtdays of friends and coworkers.  I miss being able to do things 'on my own' when I'm at the office.  

Wow.  I must be having a 'down time' with emotions these past few days.  I type and erase, type and erase, and unfortunately, leave typed things of no value.  Just rambling thoughts.  The option though is to leave the entire day blank, and why would I want to do that.  Leaving the page blank suggests that I did not live today.

I saw a movie (Shall We Dance with Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez - great movie) that had the line in it, and I'll probably get it wrong, but that 'doing life with someone is a witness to your life, that you lived'.  Yeah, that isn't exactly what was said at all, but does that make sense?

When you have someone in your life, they are a witness that you have lived.   You are my witness of a sort, that I have lived.  I have bared things in these spaces that I could not share with others.  I hide behind the written words so that I can spill out my pain, my frustration, my fears, my thoughts.  Yes, I delete a lot, and I don't always make things clear, but I say enough that it releases a portion of my life that says "I live".

I guess I haven't thought about that so much until this moment.  I feel I don't have much of a life right now.  I feel imprisioned and held hostage.  And yet, I can do things here at home... I just have to deal with the questions and comments.  And I just want to be able to do something by myself, instead of hiding what I'm doing so I don't have to deal with comments. I want to be able to go through personal things without someone standing over me asking questions to which I don't want to answer.  But here, in this space, I am doing something by myself.  And currently, hubby seems to have forgotten about this blog, for if he remembers and decides to start reading it...I will cease to live through this blog.  I only know one person who reads this frequently, and that's ok.  My thoughts and feelings are just rambling words put on this screen.  They get it (at least I think they do).  I don't seek approval; I don't want criticism.  I just want to be able to say 'I lived today.'   They let me do that.

So for today, because I need to get off here and jump in the shower.... I have nothing to say.... other than for now, I live.  You are my witness.

Blessings.