I hear the thunder.... what do you want me to do for you?

 but don't hear any rain.  I read my son's blog and it sounds like they got a lot of rain over where they are.  But I haven't heard any rain here, even when I woke during the night.  In fact, my phone started screaming the weather alert alarm just a few moments ago.  Still just thunder but no rain.  We are far enough west that we rarely get what everyone else gets.  We did get some good rain the other day, but not since.

Do you think that sometimes God sends the thunder during the night to wake us up so that we will spend time with Him?  That maybe, just maybe, we have a question or two for Him?  Or perhaps, He has a question or two for us!  Maybe it could be that sometimes He just wants us to come sit with Him.  I guess I am more conscious of that as I read the book on Solitude and Quiet.  I love to just sit and think about God and His goodness to me.  No matter what, He is always good.  His ways are always good, even when I do not understand them.  His ways may lead us down paths we don't want to go, but the end result is always that we will know Him and His ways, and know His deep abiding love for us.

Yesterday my middle child went to the urgent care, then to the hospital, to find out what was causing severe side pain.  His symptoms sounded like his gallbladder to me, cause I have experienced that pain.  I will never forget August 7, 2009.  Two days before my 60th birthday and my children planned a surprise birthday party for me.  Around 4PM that day the pain started.  I literally prayed myself home the pain was so severe and I could not breathe.  I didn't know if I was having a heart attack or what.  When I got home, I didn't say anything about the pain, thinking if I could just lay down it would go away.  It got lighter, but didn't go away.  Long story short, I couldn't enjoy my surprise much because of the pain; but the surprise was so appreciated.  I did go to the doctor who sent me for an ultrasound.  At the ultrasound, they showed me what was going on - a large stone was trying to force itself out and every time it would push against the opening, the severe pain would happen.  I was told that if I ever had that severe pain again to just go straight tot he hospital and tell them I had an ultrasound, I have a stone in my gallbladder and to just take me to surgery and take it out.  Thank God, even though I have awakened many times during the night with nausea and pain, after I pray, it fades away and I haven't needed to go.

I looked up the anatomy of the body and saw that the liver sits on top of the gallbladder, so then the thought occurred to me that perhaps it is his liver that is acting up.  I know the hospital did several expensive tests, but since they didn't find anything wrong, the thought occurs to me to question why they did the tests they chose  - and why didn't they pursue ultrasounds that can see the organs as they work and see if something is wrong.  Why did they send him home without finding a reason for the pain?  Getting him to the hospital was an accomplishment in itself for he is one who shuns doctors and hospitals.  He just don't like them.  He was in a lot of pain.  Pain so severe that he was willing to go.  But he was sent home to see a GI doctor.  I sent him the name of our GI doctor.  We really like him and if he does a colonoscopy, he has an endoscopy center he is a partner with - and their cost is about 1/2 of what the hospital outpatient cost is.  

So yesterday was spent doing a lot of praying as well as catching up on work.  I didn't pray for my son's healing, for we didn't know what needed to be healed.  I prayed instead that they would find what was causing his pain.  That prayer wasn't answered - at least not the way I wanted.  Perhaps sending him to a PCP to get BP meds is part of my answer; perhaps telling him to see a GI doctor is part of my answer.  I want him to be healed, yes, but I always want the reason for the pain discovered so that we know how to continue to pray for his healing.  And I will continue to pray for results until we find the cause.

Tomorrow I go to my own first doctor appointment in this area.  Yes, I changed doctors again and the day is finally here.  I was told that this will be just to get acquainted, and hopefully I will get prescriptions to get my own tests done that haven't been done in 5 years.  I've had my own issues with my health and I am wanting answers so that I know how to pray for myself as well.  Yes, there is sometimes a fear of 'what if' but I keep repeating that I am trusting God to keep His hand upon me and that if He has allowed something, that I will lean into Him to get me through it.  He has gotten me through so much over the years, that I can't imagine not leaning into Him and asking for His strength, His wisdom, His healing over my life.

I love the story in Matthew 20:29-33, but especially verse 32:  "So Jesus stood still and called them, and said, "What do you want Me to do for you?"   That question is so real for even us today.  What do we want Jesus to do for us?

We want Him to give us a good life, comfort, a loving family, obedient children, a good job, a nice home, we want all these things.  But how often do we truly ask Him for what we want?  Oh we can ask for healing of someone, because we do want that, and sometimes He does give us what we want.  But are we beating down the doors of heaven to get that desire answered?

"What do you want Me to do for you?"  That question remains in the air.  As you read this, what are your thoughts?  Do you think about a heartache that you want to go away?  Do you think about about a need for healing for yourself or for others that you want?  Do you think about the financial crisis that you want resolved?  Jesus is asking us, "What do you want Me to do for you?"

Sometimes we don't get the answers we want.  That person doesn't get healed.  But their witness brought someone to Christ.  Was the non-healing worth it?  Perhaps the financial windfall didn't happen for you, but a crisis was adverted because you asked God to intervene.  Perhaps the heartache hasn't gone away, and yet you can see the hand of God upon those you are praying for, even when they don't. So is it ok that our prayers don't get answered the way we want them to?  I would say yes.  Why?

Becaues no matter what, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control of my life, and the lives of those I bring before His throne.  As I intercede for them, I know that God is hearing my prayers and is answering, even when I don't like the answers I see.   Yes, Jesus can work through anything to achieve results.  But sometimes we are allowed to be a part of the process, go through pain, wade through suffering, so that we can cross to the other side and be stronger for it.  Jesus is in control.  Never forget that.  Sometimes in our darkest and painful moments we forget that we are not the ones in control (and sometimes we need to be reminded of that fact), but as we bring our burdens to Jesus, He will strengthen us to get through whatever is ahead of us.

There is a song, an old hymn, that has the chorus "Leaning (on Jesus), Leaning (on Jesus), safe and secure from all alarm.  Leaning (on Jesus), leaning (on Jesus), I'm leaning on His everlasting arms."  

And that's where we want to be... close to Jesus, leaning into Him.  Find your way, my child, He is waiting.  For you, and for me.

Blessings!