Feeling a little sore this morning...

 Morgan had me pushing the sled last night plus squats and sit/stands.  Oh - and who can forget the one of leaning against the wall in a sit position (as in sitting in a chair) with a weight on your legs for 30 seconds. Trust me, it is the longest 30 seconds you may ever sit through!  I will confess that I did not go into a total 'sit' position; I was afraid I'd go on down to the floor!  But I did my three sets and between the sled, the lunges, and the squats - yeah, my thighs are starting to burn as I move them this morning.  I was so tired last night that I went to bed just a little after 8PM.  Granted, I normally go to bed at 8:30PM, but I was depressed over some things, and I was tired, so went to bed.

So of course hubby has to come in and ask this morning, "are you still upset over last night?"  Yeah, we had a little conflict last night.  It is so lame I don't even remember this morning what it was.  But he was still wrong, right?  He went for a check-up yesterday.  The doctor told him he does not have dementia or even the start of it.  That's good news.  So I asked hubby then what is with all the forgetfulness, the uncertainty about doing things?  Well, the doctor says that it is just 'old age'.  AND hubby said he had told him that I wanted him to ask the doctor about the dementia, and hubby just knew that the doctor wanted to add "and Nxxx will find out as she gets older".  Excuse me?  He said the doctor didn't say that, but hubby just knew that he wanted to!  I'm offended!!  Or not.  It's like, whatever.  I told Morgan last night the non-diagnosis and she was surprised as she says she can give him an exercise to do and show him how to do it and he will ask her "now what am I supposed to do?"  I laughed and told her I do that as well - but she said no, when I pause before I start is because I want to do it in correct form.  Was she just being nice?  Maybe our definitions are totally wrong.

Yes, I am getting older.  Yes, I do forget things.  Yes, I do get confused on directions at times.  But not to the degree hubby does.  The doctor did tell him he needed to read more, listen to audio books and concentrate on them, and I forget what the other was.  He does read. Occasionally.  It's his darn phone that drives me crazy.  He is listening to all these 'things' political and all on his phone and he will sit for hours and do that.  I don't hear but the screeching of it as it goes into his hearing aids, thank goodness, but it is distracting.  If I listen to a video on my phone, because I don't have hearing aids and he hears it, he will interrupt in the middle of what I'm listening to, to question me about what I'm listening to!  I try to ignore him until I'm through, but he drives me crazy when he does this.  He doesn't get it.  Leave me alone when I'm listening to something!!

Am I crabby this morning?  Don't mean to be.  I am dealing with some depression, I think.  Yes, hubby drives me to this most days, and I can usually get out of it.  Last night I went to bed early.  That's how I deal with it most evenings.  I go to bed early or read, where I can shut the issue out of my mind and in the morning, I'm usually fine.  His words may still sting, but I get over it.  And life goes on.  As the saying goes, until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you have nothing to say.

This morning I have another chiropractor appointment.  It only takes him about 15 minutes to do what he needs to do.  I think he will have me come back for two more visits (to make it a total of 6) and that last two will be next week.  It did not take care of my ocular migraines - I had a dozey the day before - but my neck moves more freely.  I had trouble moving my head very far to the left and now I can move it further.  It's still a little tight so he may work on it today.  At least I know I'm not totally out of alignment bone wise.  And if I do start having back pain again (lower back when I sleep wrong or pick up something real heavy), I have been established as a patient and can easily get in to see him.

One of my devotional books that I am currently using covered how we need to give to God those things that trouble us and ask Him to deal with them.  Oh, trust me, I pray a lot about the things that trouble me and tell Him to do something about them!  But He isn't my genie that I can rub to fix my problems.  And many of the problems, more than likely, aren't even problems except in my own mind.  I often say that I 'Let go and let God' do His thing, but do I really.  

Jeremiah 18:3-6 (NKJV):  Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter, so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying: "O house of Israel, can I do with you as this potter?" says the Lord.  "Look, as the clay is in the potter's hands, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel."

This is one of my 'favorite' readings in the Bible.  Why?  Because it tells me that God will not give up on me.  As He shapes me into the vessel He wants me to be, sometimes I stick my nose in things it should not be in, I throw out a leg or a hand and mess things up. My clay body becomes distorted, so He has to press me back together and begin to mold me into a better vessel.  I remember this story being used as a teacup.  I remember it, but I'm not sure I remember it all.  But the jest of it is that teacups are made differently; different styles, different sizes, some with beautiful paintings on them, some very plain and even others that have designs in their shape.  It is a reminder that God has made each one of us different in this life.  Some of us are fat, short, tall and thin, and some of us are cranky and irritable all the time, and others overly sweet and blah.  There are so many words to use to describe each one of us.  But we are all made in the image of God, in His image we are made.

God is our potter, and He makes us the way He WANTS us to be.  Unfortunately, we oftentimes will stick our nose, arm or leg out of that perfect mold God made, and we mess things up really bad.  And until we repent and turn back to God and ask Him to 'fix' us, we sure can be a sorry looking cup.  

I have collected teacups and teapots for years.  I don't have a lot of room for them anymore, but I have several on a shelf in my kitchen.  At times I may grab the stool and pull out one of these cups and drink some tea from it.  There are several that are my favorite cups, but none that I consistently choose.  Friends and family have given me teacups over the years and I keep saying I will have a tea party.  Maybe I will this year. It does take planning and preparation, but I do enjoy it.  I'm going to have to think on it.  Hubby is all for me doing it but grumbles at my preparations and all.  It takes the joy away in doing these things - and it is something I need to just get over it.  

And with that rambling, I'm going to hush this morning.  Even though I slept well last night, I'm tired.  I really need a 'free' day.   Alone. Or with someone I want to hang with. Just to play and not think about work or responsibilities or anything.  I think I need a grandma day!!  My grandchildren (and great) bring me such joy when we are together.  Maybe that's what I'm needing.  Will have to think about that.

Have an amazing day and let God mold you into His image.  I'm letting go of 'me' so that He can fill me up, mold me, and use me for His purposes.  How about you?

Blessings!

Just for the record....

 I did go and apologize to hubby for whatever I said, and I reminded him that it was not done as a slam or snarky comment.  He thanked me for apologizing.  And his whole attitude changed.  Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" changes everything.

My training appointment got moved from Wednesday to Thursday this week.  After work yesterday I started on dinner.  While we were eating, hubby made a comment like, "I want to ask you something, and it's up to you....".  I knew instantly what he was going to 'ask'.  LOL  So I told him that I had already started winding down, and if he didn't want to go to the prayer meeting last night, that we could stay home (why does he need my permission?).  So we did.  Of course he used the words 'stay home and read'.  He knows I love the TV off and having the quiet of the evening to read some.  And I did read.  And it felt good.  I read until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer - which wasn't long..... 8:15PM and I was preparing for bed.  The book I was reading was good and interesting, but I seem to get very tired very easily anymore.  Whether it is mentally tired, eyes tired from staring at the computer all day, or physically tired, I'm not sure, but some times I just can't stay awake in the evening.  

And I'm starting to re-evaluate my getting up at 4AM.  I've gotten up at 4AM for years.  4-5AM was my quiet time (yes, just one hour and I had time to get everything done).  5-6AM I would shower and get ready for work.  6AM I was heading out the door for the drive to the office (40-50 minutes one way).  I continued getting up at 4AM because at that time, 'rumor' was that we'd be back in the office after a couple months.  That didn't happen, but I have continued to get up at 4AM.  Now I read a devotional, read my Bible, read in another book (or two), sometimes write my prayers in a journal, and other times I will open up the shutters and sit on the floor looking out the window and talk to God until about 6:45AM. Then I begin to get dressed for work.  Unless I have something going on, I skip the make-up, but do the other 'stuff'.  Sometimes I take a nap instead of reading my books.  I'm thinking I may just change it to 5AM and if I wake up at 4AM (as I often do from habit), I can get up.  Most times it is hubby reaching over to feel the covers to see if I'm up that causes me to wake up and I just go ahead and get up because he has already awakened me.  Then I try to go back to sleep in here.  Is it that because I'm getting older that I need a bit more sleep?  That I wear out faster?

Or am I just using the excuse of getting older because I am getting more and more lazy to do things?  Sigh.  I didn't get my 3.5 miles in yesterday.... but did get 1.5 in.  I will have to make up the difference this weekend for I don't want to fall to far behind.  I'd go in the middle of the day but it's too hot.  In the mornings, I'm .. well, I'll just hush there.  It sounds like excuses to me.  But I need to get moving soon and hit the shower and get dressed for I meet a girlfriend for lunch today.  We switched to Jack in the Box because we agreed we were spending too much money at the place we usually met at.  And it wasn't that good, even the salads!  Throw a tip on top of the meal and it was $20!  Neither of us want to spend that.  So - Jack in the Box it is!  Some time I'll fix a soup and just drive to her house - it isn't much further.  I don't like labeling myself as lazy and certainly do wish I had someone I could meet up with close by to walk with.  Hubby doesn't like to walk and doesn't like me walking by myself.  And I get that.... this world has gone crazy.  He makes me scared of my own shadow sometimes.

Luke 11:13 (NKJV):  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!

As parents (and grandparents, great-grandparents, etc.) love to give good gifts to our children and those we love, can you just imagine how much God loves to give to us good gifts?  He especially loves to give the Holy Spirit to those who ask for Him and seek Him.  The act of persistent prayer shows how much we believe that God will answer.  I realize that statement could mean two different things, but when one of our children want something really bad, don't they ask for it frequently?  Until we give it? Think about it.  Our Heavenly Father wants to bless us so much - and many times He is just waiting for us to ASK Him for it.  When was the last time you sincerely asked God for something you needed?  We don't always get what we WANT, but He will always supply what we NEED.

I started a new book last night by Andrew Wommack, a great pastor.  I haven't read his books before, but have heard of him for years.  I finally bought a few of his books last month through Thriftbooks.com.  I still check there first for a book before buying from Amazon if I want it.  $3-$4 for a book is a lot better than $15 or $20!   Anyway, the book is A Better Way to Pray.  I may comment on it more as I get through it - but I think I'm already in chapter 7 and I just started it last night!  I found it interesting and applicable.  And yes, it is causing me to think again about my early rising to spend time with God.  Since I often pray through-out the day, I am constantly spending time with God.  If I carve out time to focus on Him is even better.  I need to finish reading this book (and perhaps go through it a second time) to let it soak in.  I've been pretty rigid about getting up early and having my quiet time with God - and that is from my days of Discipleship.  My leader had said she got up at 5AM each morning and had an hour with God.  So I did.  Rather, I started getting up at 4AM so that I could have an hour with God.  But now I have 3 hours (4-7AM) and sometimes I go back to sleep.  I honestly think I got more done in that one hour than I do now in three.  But then, I also didn't spend time typing in this blog either.  In fact, I didn't get on my computer at all in that hour.  And I didn't write every day. I'm going to have to think on it.  I need to re-evaluate what I do in here in the three hours and see what can go - and what will stay,  Or not.  I know you'd miss me.  LOL

And with that comment, I'm going to get off here and go jump in the shower.  Hope that you have an amazing day!

Blessings!

I finally said it.... in love....

 Last night hubby was kind of quiet.  After dinner I was reading until about 8PM when my older sister called - which is highly unusual as it was 11PM there.  She was telling me about her day and why she was still awake - she had actually gotten out of her apartment and got some tasks accomplished (her son drove her around) such as getting her drivers license renewed (she has been told not to drive.... WHY would the DL renew her license (it had expired in January) when she has both hands bandaged up from falling, she can't hardly walk (has to use a walker)... what are they thinking?)  and her car license renewed.  Her son is back home from his latest stent in the hospital so was driving her around to get these accomplished.  When she finally got back home, she was exhausted so laid down across the bed and slept six hours.  No wonder she was wide awake at 8PM!  

During my conversation hubby told me he was going to take a shower and left the room.  As my phone call was ending, he came back in and sat down.  He comments, "have you ever not liked yourself?"  I had to ask for an explanation for I wasn't sure where he was going with it.  But let me back up to earlier in the day.

I was working, and he decided he had to come in and chat with me, interrupting the things I was doing.  I tried to give him my undivided attention, but you know when you are chatting with your boss, you need to give it attention as well.  He was telling me his frustration with his friend Bill.  Bill is a good man, but is so terrified he is going to get Alzheimers that he is always reading up on it, taking every kind of pill imagineable.  His mom had died from it and he feels he will have it too.  I understand that fear, but don't let fear take life away from you.  Anyway.... hubby was telling me how he is to have breakfast with Bill on Friday (today) and they had decided this on Tuesday evening when they met for Bible study, they would meet at a certain time, and had even decided the location.  (the last time they met, Bill went to one place and hubby went to the other - and hubby had made him put the locationin his phone!)  Bill had also requsted that hubby remind him, which he did yesterday morning.  But Bill didn't remember where they were to meet, so hubby told him again.  So hubby was pouring out his frustrations with Bill and him not remembering things.....(he has even forgotten to show up for their weekly Bible studies!) and as hubby walked out the door, I made my comment.  In love.

I told him that what he is feeling with Bill, I feel with him at times.  He asked what I meant.  So I told him.  He constantly interrupts me throughout the day when I'm working, many times with a question that he should know the answer.  Or he should know how to do something.  I have asked him before to talk to his doctor about his memory, that he can be given something to delay dementia.  And he says that he does, but the doctor says his memory is fine.  I'm not worried so much about conversations being remembered that he just had, but the things he cannot remember.  He asks questions like 'how will I know the hamburger I'm frying will be done?' and 'my computer says it isn't connected to the internet, what do I do?' and 'which would be the best way to go to....' (and I take that as he doesn't remember how to get there so asks that question as it may be to church, to one of the children's houses).  It's the little things like that - that scares me to death.  And as I told him, I could see that he knew what I was saying.  And I also told him that we both are getting older and yes, we will forget things.  We don't do the things we used to do, and we have lost the ability to do things we used to do, for the lack of not doing them.  He will turn 85 next week and he thinks he is still just as alert as he was at 20.  But I told him that his frustration with Bill is the exact frustration I feel when he does the things he does.

So last night, he tells me that he couldn't get my conversation with him earlier out of his mind.  He doesn't see himself losing his memory or his ability to do things.  He feels he is just as mentally active as always.  So I reminded him, he doesn't DO anything ....  he goes to his Bible study, he does the lessons, he does the laundry about every 10 days and he washes the dishes at night as a rule.  He sat there for a moment and said I was right.  He doesn't do anything.  We talked about my treadmill and weights that are in the back room - and I know I need to use them too, I've been lazy - and suggested he start with even ten minutes on the treadmill and quit NOT using his right shoulder because if he raises it so far it hurts.  Take a 3 pound weight and raise it as far as he can to keep strength in his arm.  He agreed he needs to do something.  I knew he was depressed because of our earlier conversation.  I know he was depressed because of the reality of the conversation we were then having.  But it eventually happens to us all.  

The agony of getting older.  My mother's mind was still sharp to the day she died, and she was turning 86.  I am hoping that I can be at least able to think clearly to the end.  Hubby's dad died of a massive heart attack at 74 and he doesn't know of his family history as his dad was adopted.  I'm hoping our conversation will help him in his attitude with his friend.  I told him he needed to be kind; if Bill is having memory issues, be patient with him.... as I have to be patient with hubby.  He seemed to understand that.

I hope my children will have this conversation with me as they notice things.  As long as I am able, I want to live in my own home, but if the time should ever come that I cannot think clearly, then I'm willing to go into an assisted living.  Not that hubby needs to go there, not saying that.  I just wanted him to understand and realize that we are getting older, and this is just part of life.  I'm scared of what the future holds for him, and for me with him.  But one thing I do know,

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV):  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I don't know what the future holds for hubby, or for me.  But I know that the Lord is in control of both.  I need have no fear, for He is God, and I am not.

Blessings!

Some things need to remain in draft form...

 Yeah... I just wrote some things that I decided not to 'publish'.  It wasn't anything bad... not at all... but just my thoughts about a conversation I had with hubby last night.  Or rather, he had with me.  I think, for the first time, that he has realized he is older than his friends and that they are living life, while he sits in his recliner.  His body isn't as strong as it used to be.  He's gained some weight.  (as I have)  He has no outside interests.  He has a bad shoulder that he has used as an excuse for years for not doing things..... and now he really has a bad shoulder and can't do things.  And his friends are.  And it is hurting him to be left out.  And feels alone.

I get it.  But in spite of my 'nagging' over the years to work out (do as I say, not as I do) as he used to, do some hiking (which he does not enjoy), do some serious walking (just got back into it and now he's up to a mile)... get involved with other men in activities....  hubby has lost not only time, but his body has lost the ability to do a lot of things.  I think he just realized it last night.  

That and he is terrified of going to the vascular doctor today (which totally surprised me), afraid he will have to go in to the hospital for surgery.  I am at a loss as to what to say and what to do.  So I pray... I even suggested he contact our former pastor, with whom he still meets up with occasionally, to talk about his feelings.  And then his phone dinged... and who is it but that former pastor asking if hubby can meet up with him Thursday or Friday this week.  (Is that not God or what!)  I had just said it when his phone dinged!   So he will meet with him Friday afternoon.

I know I need to get more active as well.  When my grandchildren were younger, it was easy to play with them and be involved in things.  But they have grown up and have their own activities.  I still get my baking time at Christmas... but that isn't being active.  I miss having them near me.  But they also have their own lives.  And the reality that I am also getting older hits.

But I refuse to grow up.  I may not be as active as I used to be... and I need to 'up the ante' on that... I even asked hubby to get my hiking boots for Christmas (mainly because there is nothing I need and I would like to do easy hikes again.  I enjoy putting my body to the test.  But I need to hit the gym again a few months before attempting it.  There are things that I would still like to do.  If I wasn't working, I could take the long walks.... I'd just have to get someone to go with me as hubby is afraid someone just might kidnap me.  sigh.  

I think I'm more afraid that with my restrictions, if I should ever get the opportunity to live life... I won't be able to.  And maybe I'm not supposed to.

I need a challenge; someone who is serious about walking and eating healthy.  I could probably ask someone to walk that journey with me, but the friends I have are not close by and it is easy to fall by the way side when no one is walking it with you.  Know what I mean?  

If you know someone will meet you at the gym to work out, then you will be there because you know they will be.  If you plan to meet someone to walk at a certain time, you won't not go, you would show up and walk.  I think that is the way God planned it - He doesn't want anyone to be alone, but to walk with a friend this journey in life.

When one falls, the other can pick them up.  Sometimes it could be literally, right?  Especially as we have gotten older.  I miss being around younger people.  They breathe life into me.  I am encouraged that I can do things that I have forgotten I can do.

Sounds like I need to make a lifestyle change.  It won't be easy.  I have restrictions on what I can and cannot do.  I need to step out.  And I'm sure some of you do too.  Let's do it together.  Getting older and being sick and weak is no fun.  That is not living life.  That is surviving each day.  I don't want anyone to 'take care of me' when I am older because I was too lazy to take care of me now.

Join me on this journey of increasing strength?

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NKJV)  "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.  For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.  But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up."

Be that friend.... or find one for yourself..... walk the journey.  Live life.

Blessings!