I guess it was the younger one....

 that kept me awake throughout the night.  Sigh.  How do I know this?  Because of the text that is on my phone this morning.  Drinking changes nothing; it only makes you do stupid things.  Trust me, I know that for a fact.  Drama has been over the top this year and looks like it may continue for awhile.  Some things are out of one's hands - whether right or wrong - and we need to pray and trust God for the outcome.  Only God can right the wrong, and He will do it in His timeframe, not ours.  Some people grow stronger through trials and challenges.  Some people grow weaker. We don't always get what we want; but God sees the bigger picture and we need to learn to trust Him with everything. Let.It.Go.  There is something to that, don't you think?

Today is going to be a crazy and busy day.  I need to pull together the Christmas gifts for three of those I support.  I will see all three today.  My favorite boss is going in to the office to work this morning so that we can meet up before the Network Christmas Party and exchange gifts.  I was busy last night making cheeseballs, another batch of salsa, cookies.... and I know I still didn't get everything done I wanted to. What is that saying everyone hates but uses?  "It is what it is".  Why do I stress so much about it?  Because I don't want to disappoint them.  I brag too much about all the different things I make.  And this year I am trying to back away from 'having' to make everything for those who make me feel it isn't much. Last year I went overboard for my bosses - this year I'm cutting back.  Maybe I'm feeling guilty about that. Oh well.  

I have for my favorite boss the cheeseball, salsa, pickles, jam, and bread, and a couple small gifts.  As I have shared before, I have given these (most) to her for years and her family looks forward to getting to have some of the fun things I make.  Sue has been so good to me over the years and has helped me grow and is the one who put me in the position I am in now.  As for my male boss, I over did him big time last year.... so he gets cheeseball, salsa, pickles, jam and bread... maybe.  And that's it. I'm still trying to think through how much I want to give him.  And for my other female boss (who reports up to the male boss), she only gets a small cheeseball and bread.  And maybe pickles.  I'm still trying to figure out what to get her.  My other female boss is in Colorado and last year I sent her a gift and she didn't even acknowledge it nor wish me a Merry Christmas... so I'm not sending anything this year.  Not being mean, but somewhere I need to draw lines.  I can wish her a merry Christmas today (as I think she is off as of tomorrow) and I believe she told me she was going to her daughter's for Christmas.  I take too much on, I think.  I love to give, but I want to see they really like it... know what I mean?  I put a lot of time and effort into these homemade gifts.  

Which is what I spent my time doing last night.  I made snickerdoodles for Morgan, as I see her tonight for training.  I kept thinking the dough didn't feel right... and then started second guessing myself did I put 2 3/4 cups of flour in it - or only 1 3/4 cups of flour.  The first batch burned on the bottom so I changed to my pampered chef cookie sheet.  Those didn't seem to cook all the way through, even though they were in longer than the time required.  I finally added a bit of flour to the last of it... but who knows what they taste like.  I finally fixed up a box for Morgan and that's it. Oh - I need to send her a couple other things too, but I had promised her cookies.

And since I struggled so much with the snickerdoodles, I didn't make any other cookies so am not taking to the cookie exchange today at the party.  Yep - doing the drive down to Mesa this morning about 8:30AM I 'm thinking to meet Sue and then the 'party' starts at 11AM.  And I'm still working today too so will need to come straight back home to finish up the day.  My two other bosses will be at this party so that is a win for me - I won't be getting emails to work!

Our neighbor brought over a plate of cookies last night for us.  Just what we needed, right?  Pretty cut out cookies.  Too much work for me when I'm trying to produce as much as I can in a short time. And with working.  I still wonder how in the world did I do so much when I was driving to the office every day.  Of course I was usually up until 11-12AM and got up at 5AM - whereas now I am usually in bed by 8:30PM (last night it was closer to 10PM) and up at 4AM.  Why can't I get my life in order?

I'll be busy still this weekend.  The oldest and her family are coming at noon on Saturday for us to have Christmas together.  Lunchmeat sandwiches and chips; she's bringing the chips for I don't know what her family likes.  I need to make potato salad tomorrow and pick up lunchmeat at Safeway.  The grandson is driving in from NM tomorrow for a few days then heading back on Sunday or Monday, I think, to have Christmas with his wife. She had to work and couldn't take off.  At least we can see him since we didn't go over Thanksgiving.  I do need to do more baking for I want to give to our neighbors. One positive is I baked a lot of my cranberry pumpkin nut bread about a month ago and it is in the freezer - it's depleting fast, but I still have several loaves in there.  My daughter's family is the one who likes it; the others don't seem to and don't ask for it.  Getting stingy with the jam as I haven't made any more.  Pickles - it depends on if they want the 'funny little ones' or the regular ones. Haven't made any more of those either.  Ok - enough of my ramblings on food and what I'm doing.

I think I have finished all my wrapping except for what I will be taking this morning and tonight. What they get is what they get.  Disappointed or not, 'it is what it is' - and I did go way overboard this year. I lost my mind for awhile.  Exhaustion is my only excuse. The brain died.  I don't know if I will ever et it back.  I need to get away and rest; truly rest.  Not just lay around and read, but sleep as often as I choose, walk about in nature, spend time alone where I'm not being watched as to what I'm doing, and just be free.  Does any of that make sense.  I'm not sure if it is just 'old age' or if I am going into another phase of life.  Lord, help, please help.  I am so weary.  I think I'm frightened, too, of the future. Hubby asks questions that make me confused... because he can see what I'm doing, so why ask what I'm doing.... does that make sense? I'm baking cookies.  I'm crocheting a blanket. The same one I was working on for the past week or so, for the same person.  Sometimes I wonder if he is playing 'mind games' with me. I sometimes don't know how to react or what to say.  I don't want to be mean. I think that also makes me weary and tired.

Galatians 6:9 (NKJV):  And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Don't grow weary for doing good?  I feel I'm already there! I need to work through what it is that is wearing me down.   I know life changes frequently.  Life really changed when I was sent home to work. And I'm glad I'm at home.  It's just hubby thinks I am at his beck and call (in my opinion, he will disagree) and frequently interrupts during the day to chat.  That's why I look forward to his being out with his friends.  I'm ok with being home; I just want to stay focused on what I need to get done.  I find it hard enough to stay focused on work projects and find myself just sitting and staring out the window instead of working.  Lord, help.  Did I tell you my boss Sue decided to retire in August 1, 2026?  I don't think I can mentally last that long.  It would be nice to be able to 'retire' and do things I want to do - like most retired people. and I'm shutting up. I need a nap already.

I guess in reality I have nothing to share this morning. My mind has left its post and I'm rambling. Think I'll get an early start on work emails and then start pulling things together so that I will be able to leave when I want to. Looking forward to seeing Sue; not so much the party. But it will be fun. Last year I got the cast iron pan in the white elephant exchange.  I need to decide what to take as well.  Busy busy!

Blessings!