Earlier than I really wanted to get up. Hubby got up out of bed at 2:25AM to do a nightly 'run' .... and his getting up out of bed awakened me, and I could not go back to sleep. I didn't really have much on my mind, but sleep eluded me. I think I may have dozed some, surely I did, but my mind would not shut off so around 3:25 I finally just got up out of bed. It's 4:30AM and hubby just got up and made my coffee. I imagine I will be getting to bed fairly early tonight. Of course 8:30PM is early for some people, but it may even be earlier than that! I tried to nap in my chair, but my mind wouldn't let me so I began reading this morning... and now here I am. Yawning.
Hubby is loving his new car. Me, not so much. I like it is a tad smaller it seems than the other and I can get between the cars easier than before. I made potato soup yesterday because I had told the youngest son that I would make him soup since they have covid. I made cornbread too and when it was finished, I planned to just do a quick run to drop it on their porch and then let him know it was there. I really wanted to do it 'alone'.... but of course hubby had to drive me. I had thought I'd stop at a store somewhere and just browse... don't need anything; don't even want to buy anything. I just wanted alone time. But I remained silent and let him drive me there and back.
Today is Monday and it's back to work for me. As far as I know, hubby doesn't have anything on his agenda for today. I need to finish working on the message I'm to do on Sunday. Will work on it later this evening and hopefully finish it. One of the RV Churches text'd me the other day with our dates for the next season. They also asked if we would be willing to do some extra messages during the summer that they could put on You Tube for their people. I have no idea how to do that, but told them that we could possibly do that as well. It's a lot of work to prepare a message, even though I pull the basics from other pastors and make it my own. I still have to type it out, make changes, make more changes, and even still more changes some times to make it 'mine' and one I want to share. Some are good, some are not so good. But people are kind and say 'good message'. Just goes to show you, what I may think is a dry or empty message, has something in it that someone needed to hear that morning. It's all God.
I also received an email this past weekend that the RV church we will be at this Sunday plans to have a memorial service for one of their members. They asked if we would participate. I told them to just tell us what they want us to do. I got another email last night that they will be meeting on Tuesday to decide how to arrange the service and what they want us to do. It will be immediately following the service. I guess I need to shorten my message some ... they didn't say, but it probably would be wise. I'm ok with skipping it if they want to just do the memorial service.
I don't know what it is this morning, this feeling I'm having. It's a mixture of saddness, weariness, loss of control, and defeated.... it's hard to explain. Could it be I just needed that hour and a half more of sleep? Possibly. Or it could be that I know I have much to do today not only for work, but I want to finish the message, that I'm getting distracted with my emotions. Sometimes these things happen. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a fetal position and sleep.... and let the world go by. But it can't happen today; I have too much to accomplish. It's days like this I'm glad to be working from home for sometimes it is hard to be productive. But then, if I was at work, I'd be distracted much more and I would probably not get as much done.
We are having discussions about church.... it is about a 45 minute drive to the church we have been going to, and we love the pastor and the people there. We have a church that we also know the pastor (was a former youth pastor when my children were growing up) that is about a 30 minute drive away. It is larger than the church we are currently 'attached' to. This one has several pastors on staff and programs as well. There are classes in place that we could easily fit into and become a part of. I'm leaning towards it, just because I need more than what I feel I get now. Interestingly, although hubby is all for it now, when we were searching for a church, he was not willing to go there. Maybe it is because we are a little closer now. I would feel better about staying on the west side of town, versus driving all the way to the other side of Central. Now the hard part. Telling the pastor we would be leaving. I think I will leave that up to hubby.
God moves in different ways. Some are painful, some are not so much. I was reading about the pruning of the vines this morning. Pruning is never fun. Every vine needs to be pruned, and the more fruitful ones, need to be pruned much more. When we left our church we had attended for over 30 years, it was painful. We basically had been told we had to teach whatever the pastor said we were to teach - and he wouldn't approve anything else. Regardless of what it was. Hubby felt that the pastor lied to him on numerous occasions about specific things. We were not in the pastor's group of friends and therefore were on the outside. It was a very difficult time. I had felt God had been telling us to leave for a couple years, but I just couldn't. I loved the people, we had lots of friends there. Finally, we made the decision to leave. I think I could have easily been Lot's wife... for I didn't really want to go. We've been at our current church about 4 years, I think. Although we are friends with the pastor and his family and love all the people there, I don't feel complete, and hubby doesn't either. I'm not sure if it is because of my feelings, or what... that hubby agrees.... but there is so much we could help with - in spite of COVID, and yet, are unable to do.
I think previous pastors we've had have spoiled me. Pastor Don and Pastor Steve poured themselves into people and encouraged them to get involved, to do things. We haven't had that encouragement for a long time. I realize that other people in the same church may feel differently. I've been told "I follow God, not the pastor" a few times. I agree. That is why we didn't leave when Pastor Don or Pastor Steve did. But when God says to leave and you don't.... He can make life unsettling for you until you do. And I'm feeling the unsettling again now. I love our current pastor, Pastor Paul. Ironically, the last Sunday in March last year, when the churches closed down and went online, I had been asked to preach that morning's service. At least they considered me. They are starting to open up again and we have gone once. Like many others, hubby likes staying at home in his shorts and t-shirt, watching online the service. I do too, I will admit. But we are called to fellowship with other believers and we need to get back into church. I need it.
I apologize for my rambling this morning. I'm tired. So many things on my mind and I'm not sure what I can do about any of it. Well, I do know. I must lay it down at Jesus' feet and allow Him to take on what needs to be done. I think now is a good time for that.
What is it that is keeping you awake the wee hours of the morning? Is there a thought in the back of your mind that keeps rearing it's head and asking you questions? Did you do the right thing? Should you say that? Did your behavior mean...? They hurt me, can I retaliate? How can we do this? Should we do this? What if... so many things that can run through the mind in the darkness of night. And sleep escapes you.
What if.... you turned your eyes to heaven and just asked Jesus to take this situation, this problem, this issue.... and turn it around? What if.... you depended on Jesus to make things right, rather than hanging on to your own anger, your own feelings? What if.... you looked beyond yourself and looked to help others? What if....
So many what if.... I think I choose to use the what if I gave it all to Jesus and allowed Him to turn some situations into good. I certainly have no control over my family, my spouse, or even some of my issues. I feel better when I give them to Him and just say 'You got this, God'. And take my hands off. Sometimes, even God can amaze us.
Blessings!
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