I am not immune to the things that happen around me, and in my world. I was so confident that God would intervene in things yesterday, that He would be glorified in all of it, that when things happened and the attitudes changed.... I fell, and I fell hard. Where did I fall? Into the pit of despair.
In brutal honesty, I was not in a good place. I cannot remember ever sinking as low as I was yesterday. Yes, I've had my low moments, but yesterday I allowed myself to freefall into the pit of despair. Things were not going the way I wanted God to respond. Tragedy happened, and it grieved my heart deeply.
I don't know and I don't understand the ways of God sometimes, and this was one of them. I'm not going into details, but you can pretty much understand what threw me into this pit.
I was disappointed with God. He didn't do what I wanted - and expected Him to do. Can you believe that? Did I really think that God would do what I wanted Him to do? Like He is at MY beck and call, and is to do what I want? Who am I to think that the Almighty God would take my desires and make them happen? True, He often gives us our hearts desires, but I know also that God sees the BIG picture, while my desires are based on heresay and what I want.
God is so much higher than I and His thoughts are higher than mine. He sees what will come of this and I am sure none of it is a surprise to Him. One thing I do believe, and that is He will be glorified through the outcome. Will it take this situation in our nation today that will turn the hearts of the people to Him? I must admit that I am afraid of what might happen. I am afraid of what the next four years will bring, and after that, then what. The world has become so evil and it is now party against party, and not idea against idea. People who voted knowing this will allow babies to be murdered even moments after being born, who are allowing their party to push through agendas of changing genders of people... Oh dear God in Heaven, please help us!
I could not focus on work yesterday due to the things going on in Washington DC. I was appalled at some things, and yet, the people that I listen to, where they were it was peaceful. Lord, help me to let this go and move on. This is one of those 'things I cannot change' moments.
On to a better topic, somewhat, my sister finally got her package yesterday. And in the midst of my turmoil yesterday, she wasn't available when I got the notification it had been delivered on her front porch. I kept texting and she was not responding. That added to my frustration of the day. FINALLY, about an hour later, she calls me. She had been gone all day helping a niece to move/unpack, and when she got home, plugged her phone in another room, and plugged her apple watch in the other room - so she had nothing to show I was trying to get her attention. She 'just happened' to walk into the room and looked at her phone and saw I had commented. A few times. She got her package and unwrapped it, excited to find the item that she wanted, and one other for herself. But she knew as soon as I answered the phone that I was not in a good place... and kept pushing at me to talk.... but I didn't want to. I wanted to hear she was excited at the package - after all, I had been beating down the USPS tracking 'door' for days, trying to see when it would arrive. Her excitement wasn't as great as I had hoped it would be, but it could also have been because I was so low. I told her I had taken up refuge in 'the pit'. She knew what I was referring to. I asked what curtains I should put up because I felt like I was going to stay there for awhile.
My mind got distracted last night as I had to catch up on some work for the board that I am currently on, and am thinking of resigning from. I had been keeping the bank account in QuickBooks, which I really don't know much about except where to put things. I had lost my notebook of instructions when we moved, and after much praying and asking God to help me find it, I did find it. Ironically, yesterday a friend text'd me that she was going to come over and pick up everything I had for the organization as they had an auditor to look over everything. I hadn't updated the records since our March meeting. I had all that to do last night - and it took about 5 hours to get everything inputted and balanced. Thank goodness, the balancing wasn't a big deal. I input everything from the bank statements so it has to balance. So why am I thinking of resigning? I've already told them that I didn't want to do this anymore. Don't want to keep the books anymore. Why? It isn't that it is hard, it is the lack of communication. I have asked in the past that when they are going to take a large amount of money out of the bank to help other people - which is what we are there for - I felt that the rest of the board should be asked their thoughts on it. Meaning, if we are going to 'donate' $500 to an organization, what organization is it, and why so much money? If we are withdrawing $1000 to buy Christmas gifts for needy families, is it all for one family? What gifts are you buying? Plus numerous other purchases at the grocery stores, etc. It troubles me - not that we are helping other people, but I feel as Treasurer of this board I should at least be included on why the money is being withdrawn. I get no receipts, and very little explanations. So my input into the computer for 'memo' was 'unknown'. I have no idea what it was taken out or used for. Could this just be my need to know issue (aka nosey) or is it that I am responsible for what the books say? I did tell my friend, this other board member who I am sure is aware of what the money was used for, and she did some of it, that I agreed that the treasurer position should be moved to someone else who knows and understands QuickBooks. Perhaps I am still reeling from the president of the board's comment to me last March when I asked that she check in with the board when she is going to do a large withdrawal or donate to another organization - and she said to me quite loudly "if you don't like it - leave!" I remember sitting there in stunned silence, wanting to pick up my things and walk away, and yet, forcing myself to stay there. Another member resaid my words in a different way - and they were accepted. But not followed. From that moment on, my view of this organization and my involvement in it changed. I don't want to be involved in it anymore; perhaps that is why I let the books go for the last 9 months. But I did get them updated, and balanced, through the end of December, and I am taking everything I have over to my friend's house for her to take to the president's house.
So yes, yesterday I was living in the pit. I usually don't stay there long, but yesterday I was ready to put up curtains and move the furniture around. I laid in bed last night before drifting off to sleep, thinking about this blog and what I would write about my day. I probably have shared too much of what my day was like; perhaps I shouldn't have shared it at all. I wasn't meaning to write all that I have. I apologize for the lengthy-ness of it. Why did I share all that went on yesterday?
Because I want you to know that although Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and He gives me many things that I ask for, and He helps me through a lot of things (including being in a much better place this morning), I don't always get what I want. He doesn't always answer the way I want Him to. I can ask for healing and that person may die. Or they may be healed. I can ask for favor, and it doesn't happen, or it may happen. I ask... He answers. Sometimes the answer is just 'no'. Or maybe it is 'NO'. But I never give upon Him. I cannot imagine trying to get through this very difficult life without Him by my side.
Yesterday I was so distressed and overwhelmed with life in general that although I prayed... my words hit the ceiling and fell to the floor. And yet, I really felt His peace and presence as I prayed yesterday morning. I allowed my own emotions to take over the rest of the day.
I may have fallen into the pit of despair yesterday, but I refuse to live there. And neither should you. When life overwhelms you, when things don't go the way you want them to, when God disappoints you, when finances or work or life overwhelms you, when troubles beat you up - more than likely you will fall into the pit of despair. But you don't have to live there.
Look UP, climb out, brush yourself off, and let God be God. We are but mortal humans. God is God over all creation. I give all the praise and all the honor and all the glory of my life to Him. And I thank Him that He doesn't make me stay in the pit, but helps me climb out so that I can glorify His Name.
God sees all, and knows all. He has the big picture in front of Him. Trust Him for all outcomes. Even during the tough times ahead.
Blessings!
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