Today is my older sister's birthday, and if I count correctly, she will be 78 today. A grandson also has a birthday today and he will be 23. Where does the time go? Especially since I usually don't feel like I am getting any older. My older sister, though, well, that's a different story.
I often wonder how I am so different than most of my family. I usually mark it up to I am the only one who was smart enough to move out of state. Although, in all honesty, I didn't 'choose' to move out of state, I got married and had to move out of state. But that's another lengthy and full of nonsense story.
My older sister. Growing up I don't remember much about her as she is six years older than I am. I remember her taking care of us after our dad died and mother had to go to work at the market. She used to beat us, I remember that. I was one who always defied her I guess, for I carried with me numerous times the lines of a belt on my body. She was not a positive influence in my life, and I find that sad. She was pretty when she wanted to be. I found a portrait of her in some photos the other day...taken many years ago. She had make up on and really looked beautiful. She looked happy.
But then life happened. But then, life happens to all of us, and how we allow it to define us, to make us, well, we all respond differently.
She has turned bitter, and angry, and unforgiving. She forgets nothing. I can remember many, many years ago when she wanted my older brother to watch her children and he turned her down. It was as if she kept a list .... she began to tell him of the many times she had picked up his children, and kept them. She told him of all the things she felt she had done for him. He still didn't keep her kids, by the way. And we all learned at that time that she kept a mental list (if not a real list) of everything everyone did for her - or against her. And she doesn't forget.
My older sister has rheumatoid arthritis. She got it years ago, but God healed her. I truly believe He did. And she agrees. But then about 15-20 years later... it came back for whatever reason and according to her, it came back with a vengence. She isn't crippled, but is heading that way as now her hands are starting to freeze in place. She falls constantly because she doesn't move about as she should. She doesn't exercise her muscles to keep them strong. She has had numerous outpatient and inpatient rehab treatments - but once they stop - she stops. I know I have even sent her balls that she can squeeze with her hands because she said that would help. And she says she has stomach cancer and refuses treatment for it. When she told us about it a few years back, she said it was very slow growing and the doctor told her without treatment she had 10-15 years. It's probably been 4-5 years since it was diagnosed and many times she has given up on living.
I look at my sister and the life she has had, and one can't help but feel bad for her. Three very rough marriages. Children who rejected her; grandchildren who have nothing to do with her. Great-grandchildren she has never seen. She has become a bitter, angry, hateful old woman. Most days.
I try to talk with her frequently and some times the calls can go several minutes, and other times she cuts me off with an 'I got to go to the bathroom' and hangs up. Sometimes she is nice, sometimes there is no reasoning with her. She always says she is ready to die.... and yet... I don't think she is. I don't feel she is in the place mentally and emotionally for one who is truly ready to die - unless they have no regard for where they may end up.
Our younger sister and I have tried to talk with her about life, about heaven. We can ask her does she know she is going to heaven and she will say yes. Then she will spew hateful words about people in her past - unforgiven. And I tell her, all I can do is pray that God will open her eyes that she will truly embrace Him and let the past be past, and live for now, awaiting the glorious day of Christ's return. I love my older sister.... I don't always understand her. She doesn't take care of herself. She doesn't care about living anymore.
I always get in trouble with her because I try to always send a gift to her for her birthday and she gets after me that 'I don't celebrate my birthday so don't get me anything'. The last few years I've given up trying to figure out what she could want; she has much more money than I do. If she wants it, she can buy it. So I have sent her food. Snacks. Fun stuff. This year I ordered several little cheesecakes. She can freeze some of them and let them thaw out and eat as she wants them. I'm hoping she gets calls from the others but rarely does one go over. Our little sister said yesterday she had to go over because she forgot to mail her a card. Come to think about it - I didn't mail a card either. Yipes! That thought did not even enter my mind. Uh oh. black mark for me!
As I sit here this morning and think about my older sister, I am also reminded that I am getting older as well. My life has been a mixture of joy and pain, happiness and sorrow. But I don't feel that my life has weighed me down. I may get sad sometimes, and I allow myself that time. Then I know I must pick myself up, brush myself off, and remind myself WHOSE I am, and straighten my crown. I may be getting older, and my life isn't and hasn't always been the way I wanted it to be. But I choose to believe that God brings good even out of the bad in my life. Life is hard sometimes, but sometimes I have made that life hard. I contribute as much as I receive, I'm afraid.
But there is one thing I do know. It is better to learn from the past, and then forget what the past entailed and keep my eyes focused on the prize that is before me. The prize? The prize of belonging to Jesus. I shutter to think how my life would be if I didn't have Jesus to guide and direct my path. When I choose Him, my life is His, and He directs me in the way I should go. It's when I decide I know better that I trip and I fall flat on my face. So why not choose Him?
This morning as I sip my coffee (which, by the way, tastes just fine this morning since I didn't take my zinc tablet yet), I am reminded of the goodness of God in my life. He blessed me with three beautiful children, lots of grandchildren that turn my hair even grayer in some cases, and now with beautiful great-grandchildren. God has been so good to me. In spite of the things I've done that were not pleasing to Him; in spite of the choices I made; God has never given up on me. He continually draws me close to His heart.
And, in spite of your past; in spite of what you have done, in spite of what you are doing that is not pleasing to God, thinking it is done in secret; He still loves you and is drawing you close to His heart. It isn't my job to tell you right from wrong. That is my opinion. God is the Ultimate Judge and He will show you the way in which you should walk. Choose wisely. Children and grandchildren may follow in your footsteps.
Happy birthday, Sis. for you iI pray that today you will have a day pain-free, and full of forgiveness, and full of joy.
Blessings!
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