It was in the wee morning hours when...

 once again, I was wide awake.  Sigh. What is going on?  I think this is about the third time this week I awaken between 1-2a and then toss and turn.  I finally arose around 3:30a this morning and came in here, thinking I would curl up in my chair (definitely not the bed - no room!) but I remembered I needed to take my Fosamax this morning, which means I have to sit upright for 30 minutes afterwards.  Yes, I could have taken it later, but it is just as easy to take it now and get it done. Anyway, don't know what woke me up and why I couldn't go back to sleep, but here I am. It is now almost 4a.  Hubby is currently still in bed, but when he does get up, he will probably ask me if he kept me awake for he felt he tossed and turned all night... and he did toss and turn most of the night... but so was I.  

And, I fell for the stupid tax again last night.  I'm so tired of not sleeping through the night, and I got on the dreaded FB.  Yes, I did.  And seeing the ad for these 'miracle sheets' that have the silver thing throughout that helps you sleep all night... I'm getting desperate enough that I ordered a set.  Stay tuned on whether or not it works.  If it does, I'll take back my 'stupid tax' remark and recommend them.  One other time I bought a strip that I put across the bed.  It did work for awhile, but hubby grumbled so much about it we finally took it off the bed. He decided it didn't work.  Sometimes it isn't worth the discussion. I'm not even sure where it is now.  I think it was called a 'grounding' sheet.  Only it wasn't a sheet, which is what I thought I ordered, but a strip.  This one showed pictures of sheets so it better be the full thing.  

I needed to go to Walmart last night and get a birthday gift so asked Ms. Vicky if she wanted to go along. (she did)  She rode an amigo and followed me around the store.  I told her DQ was in that area, did she want? And then I saw One Nutrition and mentioned to her the SF Butterfinger shakes that hubby and I like. She wanted one of those so there we went. She insisted on buying mine as well. I was only getting one so I could share with hubby, after all, we had just finished dinner.  She really has no extra money from what she says... and yet she wanted to buy mine. So I will admit, I told a 'white lie'.  (as if there is such a thing) But I didn't want her to buy mine, and I watched how carefully I worded what I say.  I DO get a free shake after so many purchased, and I'm right close to getting the freebie.... so I used her debit card to buy hers, then paid cash for mine.  I wasn't to the freebie just yet. So I came out and told her that I get freebies after so many and handed her the card back and said I only put yours on the card.  I didn't tell her I paid for mine... I just said that when I get a certain number purchased (10), I get a free one.  I let her assume mine was free. So that is my confession. Vicky was so excited I asked her to go with me and again and again told me 'lets do it again'.  I didn't mind taking her with me, but on a wandering shopping trip, in which I browse every single row, I think I'll pass.  I like being lost in my own thoughts, if you know what I mean.  A quick run to the store for something isn't too bad.

My fingers are really swollen lately. The ring I wear on my left ring finger is so tight it is leaving a mark and will not go over my knuckle.  Stupid arthritis.  That is the knuckle that hurts all the time as well. Voltaren generally takes care of the pain, but I'm having to put it on more and more knuckles lately.  I need to look at my diet and see what I'm eating that is 'feeding' the pain.  I try to eat healthy, but cookies and ice cream and bread and and .. sigh. All the 'stuff' that isn't good for me, I love to eat.  With my older sister having rheumatoid arthritis for several years, I'm a bit 'anxious' that this could be something like that - with my leg(s) hurting, (although they haven't hurt the past two-three nights), and my knuckles hurting (most all the time). Need to give up some things; I know I do. Quit cheating. 

Hubby just brought in my coffee and asked what time I got up. I told him 3:30a. He asked why? I gave the only reason I know.... I couldn't sleep.  He didn't say 'did I keep you awake?' as he usually does, then tells me how he tossed and turned.  This time he stands and stares at me. I finally ask him "what?" And he says "It worries me that you aren't sleeping through the night."  I appreciate his concern, but.... and I'm stopping there. I finally told him that perhaps God wanted me to get up early, so that caused him to leave the room and quit staring/questioning me.  In the great scheme of life, when I get up doesn't matter, right?

James 4:8 (NKJV):  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Does it ever feel like life is trying to break you? It doesn't matter whether it is a heartbreak, or just life itself, sometimes it comes at us like a freight train and threatens to crush us into the tracks. Ever feel that way?  I do, a lot of times. In fact, more times than I want to admit.  God tenderly reminds us that pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is the indicator that brokenness exists. That something is the way it should be.  The enemy is trying to take us out and bring us down and stick us in weary and broken spaces. But that pain also is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination, knowing we can find healing as we get through it.  

It is in that space of desperation where we haven't gotten through it yet, but want to, and emotions are raw and hurting and feeling so alone, without hope, that it is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His.  We must invite God into our pain to help us survive the desperate in-between times to get to the other side of it.

Oh, we can try numbing the pain we feel.  I have done that.  You have done that. But numbing the pain never goes to the source of the real issue to make us healthier.  It just helps quiet down the pain that is screaming inside of us.  What we use to numb us, though, imprisons us.  The numbness causes us to no longer feel, to no longer connect. We become as if in a prison of our own making, because our pain is so great and we can't let it go.  It steals from us the joy God has for us.

When we make the decision that enough is enough, and we invite God's closeness, He will come near to us.  For some of us, we draw close to Him by praying and asking Him to come near. Others may go for a walk and just talk with Him. Still others may sing a song, read their Bible, just go sit in stillness, and open our hearts to Him.  He is always waiting for us to draw near to Him, so that He can draw near to us.  For some, they go to Psalms 51 and pray for forgiveness.  For some, they go to Psalms 91 and seek healing.  They sometimes go hand in hand.  Unforgiveness can create havoc in our bodies as well as disease can.  We need to make the choice to let go of what is holding on to us.

One of my favorite songs is 'Draw me close', by Michael W. Smith.  I'm sure you have heard it; I am pretty sure I have posted it in a blog many months back.  I'm sitting here thinking of it this morning as I write in here.  Maybe it's time to share it again. 

Draw me close to You, never let me go. I lay it all down again, to hear You say that I'm your friend. You are my desire, no one else will do. Cause nothing else can take Your place, to feel the touch of Your embrace. Help me find my way, bring me back to You.

You're all I want. You're all I ever needed. You're all I want; help me know You are near.  You're all I want. You're all I ever needed. You're all I want; help me know You are near.

If you know the tune, hum through the words. If you don't, our best friend, Google, can find the song for you.  You will find peace just humming through the words.  Try it.

And with that, I need to get off here and get some reading done this morning.  I got nothing done yesterday at work, so there is that.  Today Sue is back so I'll get to hear about some of her trip (we are meeting for breakfast next week so will hear more then) to Aruba.  And we'll discuss another retirement I read about yesterday.  This has been definitely the year of retirements for our company!  I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact until we move from here, I cannot retire. Besides, I like having my own money.

Hope you have a day full of unexpected blessings!

Blessings!

Another early morning!

and although I did try to go back to sleep when I got up at 3AM, I could not.  So I turned the light on here in my room and grabbed my Bible to start reading.  In Luke 15 is the story of the Prodigal Son.  I've always been drawn to that story, for I was a prodigal daughter for so long.  And I have my own prodigal sons that I pray for.  I'm like that Father, I think, peering out, praying for my sons to come back 'home' where they belong.  That's what our Heavenly Father does for each one of us who have strayed away.  We let the ways of the world entice us and put the world before our God.  And sometimes even before family.  I did that too, in some ways, I believe.  Perhaps that is why they also 'went away'.  I accept the blame.  God knows my heart for each of my children, my grandchildren, my great grandchildren.  He brought me back to Him; and I believe with all my heart that some day my children will also return to Him.

My devotion this morning was on desperation.  I've sat here and given it thought.  My desperation for God has kind of waned over the years.... it's hard to explain.  I've been praying for some time that God would increase my hunger for Him, that I would seek Him more diligently.  But this morning, as I have at times in the past, I prayed for desperation for Him.  That can be scary, for sure.  Desperation can come in all forms.  A sickness, a death, a tragedy, something that would drive one to their knees in desperation.  I don't want any of that to happen, but my heart longs for a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I have that hunger within me to 'know' Him more intimately.  I just need to carve out the time to focus on Him and take the time to dive deeper into His Word and knowing Him..

Have you ever felt a time of desperation, when you want something so badly you would do just about anything to get it?  I guess it is something like what addicts feel, don't you think?  But I want my addiction to be Jesus.  Can't never ever get enough of Him.

At our Bible study last night, one of the women mentioned she had a Bible that had the words of God in red in the Old Testament.  I had never heard of that!  She handed it over for me to see, and it's called the Sword Study Bible.  And, it was true!  I had never seen the word of God in the Old Testament in red.  It was really cool.  It was also in big print!  My immediate thought was that I would 'have to get one' and start my new year (2023) with a new Bible to read through.  (I'm going to be close in finishing this one before year end as I have gotten lax in my reading.  Going to need to take extra time to finish by December 31). I've been more diligent this year in that I'm also reading the study notes after I read each chapter to better understand what is being said.  And I underline a lot in pencil.  But, anyway, I decided that maybe I wouldn't get it, for I need to go through the Old Testament (as I usually do), and this time highlight the Words spoken by God so that I can hide His words in my heart better.  Make sense?  I am thinking that maybe I'd get one for hubby as he also seemed interested.  Christmas will be here before I'm ready and I need something special to get him, although I have bought him probably all the Bibles he owns.  

2 Timothy 2:15 (NKJV):  "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth."

Hebrews 11:6 (NKJV):  "But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."

The word 'diligent' came to mind as I paused on what to write.  These two scriptures are just a couple of what I found as I looked the word 'diligent' up in Bible Gateway.  See how the words 'diligent, diligently' are applied?  

Diligent is actually an adjective.  It means steady, earnest, energetic and painstaking.   You are actively seeking, search, and longing, and wanting.  Have you ever felt that?  Something to think about.  And that is what I want to be - diligent about searching the Word of God so that I learn how to live life.  We all should be diligently seeking Him, don't you agree?

Although we had our Bible study last night, the 'mother' church is wanting us all to gather over at 'their place' (we are the 'daughter/sister church' - not sure what they call it) and discuss Chapter 8 together.  I don't want to go.  Then on November 18th, when all should be finished with this 10 week book, we are to go back and I hear there will be a great banquet for all who went through the book.  I don't want to go to that either.  I can't give you a reason 'why'.  I just don't want to go.  Is it because I didn't care for the book?  I don't know.  But hubby is on my case because 'how can you get to know people if you don't go to things?'  And I get that.  The women are also having their every other month luncheon on November 12th and I don't really want to go to that either, but hubby is pushing on me to attend.  Now I enjoy being with other people, I really do, but .. well, I just can't explain it.  But I need to suck it up and just sign up and go.  It won't hurt me.  I will meet people and will enjoy them.  Could it be I have just gotten lazy and encircled in my own world and don't want to include others?  Could be.... But guess I'll 'just do it'.  Maybe I should do it for hubby; he needs men friends that he can do things with.... and maybe it will get him out of the house more.  At least I have a life with work, but even with the Bible studies he does, he spends all his time doing his 'homework' or watching TV, unless he has a breakfast/lunch with someone - which is infrequent anymore, or his Bible study.  Like I have any room to talk.  My world is involved with work.

Had an eye doctor appointment yesterday and he confirmed the cataracts are getting a bit worse.  But, as long as I can see with brighter lights, I can wait to have them removed.  Maybe next year I will tell him to go ahead and remove them.  It isn't critical yet and doesn't affect anything.  Other than trying to thread a needle is next to impossible without a magnifying glass and lots of light.  

And, today, I have another massage scheduled.  I do enjoy them, and I need to have them monthly.... I have probably about 13-14 that I've paid for and let the months go by and they have built up.  I'm thinking if I go twice a month, I can get them used up.  A facial every once in awhile is good too.  I just don't enjoy those as much as I do a massage.  Need to jump online some time and get a few more scheduled. When I find someone I like and go to them a few times, it's frustrating when I try to schedule and they are totally booked out for a couple months or even worse, they leave!  And, like now, I'm having to find someone I really like the way they work.  And I don't like someone who talks!  I sometimes fall asleep while getting the massage - and I don't need someone talking to me and waking me up!  Today is another new person.  Hopefully they will work out.

I guess I've rambled on enough this morning so will hush.  My sneezing has started - seems about this time every morning I go through 3-4 sneezes and then it stops.  Maybe I'm allergic to work and my nose knows it's almost time?  Yeah.

Make today count.

Blessings!