once again, I was wide awake. Sigh. What is going on? I think this is about the third time this week I awaken between 1-2a and then toss and turn. I finally arose around 3:30a this morning and came in here, thinking I would curl up in my chair (definitely not the bed - no room!) but I remembered I needed to take my Fosamax this morning, which means I have to sit upright for 30 minutes afterwards. Yes, I could have taken it later, but it is just as easy to take it now and get it done. Anyway, don't know what woke me up and why I couldn't go back to sleep, but here I am. It is now almost 4a. Hubby is currently still in bed, but when he does get up, he will probably ask me if he kept me awake for he felt he tossed and turned all night... and he did toss and turn most of the night... but so was I.
And, I fell for the stupid tax again last night. I'm so tired of not sleeping through the night, and I got on the dreaded FB. Yes, I did. And seeing the ad for these 'miracle sheets' that have the silver thing throughout that helps you sleep all night... I'm getting desperate enough that I ordered a set. Stay tuned on whether or not it works. If it does, I'll take back my 'stupid tax' remark and recommend them. One other time I bought a strip that I put across the bed. It did work for awhile, but hubby grumbled so much about it we finally took it off the bed. He decided it didn't work. Sometimes it isn't worth the discussion. I'm not even sure where it is now. I think it was called a 'grounding' sheet. Only it wasn't a sheet, which is what I thought I ordered, but a strip. This one showed pictures of sheets so it better be the full thing.
I needed to go to Walmart last night and get a birthday gift so asked Ms. Vicky if she wanted to go along. (she did) She rode an amigo and followed me around the store. I told her DQ was in that area, did she want? And then I saw One Nutrition and mentioned to her the SF Butterfinger shakes that hubby and I like. She wanted one of those so there we went. She insisted on buying mine as well. I was only getting one so I could share with hubby, after all, we had just finished dinner. She really has no extra money from what she says... and yet she wanted to buy mine. So I will admit, I told a 'white lie'. (as if there is such a thing) But I didn't want her to buy mine, and I watched how carefully I worded what I say. I DO get a free shake after so many purchased, and I'm right close to getting the freebie.... so I used her debit card to buy hers, then paid cash for mine. I wasn't to the freebie just yet. So I came out and told her that I get freebies after so many and handed her the card back and said I only put yours on the card. I didn't tell her I paid for mine... I just said that when I get a certain number purchased (10), I get a free one. I let her assume mine was free. So that is my confession. Vicky was so excited I asked her to go with me and again and again told me 'lets do it again'. I didn't mind taking her with me, but on a wandering shopping trip, in which I browse every single row, I think I'll pass. I like being lost in my own thoughts, if you know what I mean. A quick run to the store for something isn't too bad.
My fingers are really swollen lately. The ring I wear on my left ring finger is so tight it is leaving a mark and will not go over my knuckle. Stupid arthritis. That is the knuckle that hurts all the time as well. Voltaren generally takes care of the pain, but I'm having to put it on more and more knuckles lately. I need to look at my diet and see what I'm eating that is 'feeding' the pain. I try to eat healthy, but cookies and ice cream and bread and and .. sigh. All the 'stuff' that isn't good for me, I love to eat. With my older sister having rheumatoid arthritis for several years, I'm a bit 'anxious' that this could be something like that - with my leg(s) hurting, (although they haven't hurt the past two-three nights), and my knuckles hurting (most all the time). Need to give up some things; I know I do. Quit cheating.
Hubby just brought in my coffee and asked what time I got up. I told him 3:30a. He asked why? I gave the only reason I know.... I couldn't sleep. He didn't say 'did I keep you awake?' as he usually does, then tells me how he tossed and turned. This time he stands and stares at me. I finally ask him "what?" And he says "It worries me that you aren't sleeping through the night." I appreciate his concern, but.... and I'm stopping there. I finally told him that perhaps God wanted me to get up early, so that caused him to leave the room and quit staring/questioning me. In the great scheme of life, when I get up doesn't matter, right?
James 4:8 (NKJV): Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Does it ever feel like life is trying to break you? It doesn't matter whether it is a heartbreak, or just life itself, sometimes it comes at us like a freight train and threatens to crush us into the tracks. Ever feel that way? I do, a lot of times. In fact, more times than I want to admit. God tenderly reminds us that pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is the indicator that brokenness exists. That something is the way it should be. The enemy is trying to take us out and bring us down and stick us in weary and broken spaces. But that pain also is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination, knowing we can find healing as we get through it.
It is in that space of desperation where we haven't gotten through it yet, but want to, and emotions are raw and hurting and feeling so alone, without hope, that it is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His. We must invite God into our pain to help us survive the desperate in-between times to get to the other side of it.
Oh, we can try numbing the pain we feel. I have done that. You have done that. But numbing the pain never goes to the source of the real issue to make us healthier. It just helps quiet down the pain that is screaming inside of us. What we use to numb us, though, imprisons us. The numbness causes us to no longer feel, to no longer connect. We become as if in a prison of our own making, because our pain is so great and we can't let it go. It steals from us the joy God has for us.
When we make the decision that enough is enough, and we invite God's closeness, He will come near to us. For some of us, we draw close to Him by praying and asking Him to come near. Others may go for a walk and just talk with Him. Still others may sing a song, read their Bible, just go sit in stillness, and open our hearts to Him. He is always waiting for us to draw near to Him, so that He can draw near to us. For some, they go to Psalms 51 and pray for forgiveness. For some, they go to Psalms 91 and seek healing. They sometimes go hand in hand. Unforgiveness can create havoc in our bodies as well as disease can. We need to make the choice to let go of what is holding on to us.
One of my favorite songs is 'Draw me close', by Michael W. Smith. I'm sure you have heard it; I am pretty sure I have posted it in a blog many months back. I'm sitting here thinking of it this morning as I write in here. Maybe it's time to share it again.
Draw me close to You, never let me go. I lay it all down again, to hear You say that I'm your friend. You are my desire, no one else will do. Cause nothing else can take Your place, to feel the touch of Your embrace. Help me find my way, bring me back to You.
You're all I want. You're all I ever needed. You're all I want; help me know You are near. You're all I want. You're all I ever needed. You're all I want; help me know You are near.
If you know the tune, hum through the words. If you don't, our best friend, Google, can find the song for you. You will find peace just humming through the words. Try it.
And with that, I need to get off here and get some reading done this morning. I got nothing done yesterday at work, so there is that. Today Sue is back so I'll get to hear about some of her trip (we are meeting for breakfast next week so will hear more then) to Aruba. And we'll discuss another retirement I read about yesterday. This has been definitely the year of retirements for our company! I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact until we move from here, I cannot retire. Besides, I like having my own money.
Hope you have a day full of unexpected blessings!
Blessings!
