how your life could have been different? I have. In more ways than one. I'm feeling somewhat 'off' this morning.... so much I have dreamed about, so much I have lost. Not going into details for it isn't any one thing.... but just thinking about where I am is causing me to pause, and wish things were different. And I think I'll leave that there. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting to live. Ever have those moments?
I got my hair colored yesterday as the white was coming through. I never really like it right after it is done; too dark. So it will be a few weeks before it's in the 'I'm ok with it'. I will say I wish I had never given into having it colored, or I wish I had gone blond instead of dark brown. It's too dark for me, I think. Didn't have it 'cut', but only the ends trimmed. I'm thinking of letting it go long again. But I miss my gray/white hair, even though it made me look old, I loved it. I loved the length. Can I ever find myself again? Last night I took a shower and scrubbed my hair, hoping that would lighten it some; it did not. Oh well, I need to be patient.
After my shower I thought I'd do a bit of pampering myself. I had a face mask and foot 'sockies' - which make the feet smooth. I even had a men's foot 'sockie' and I handed it to hubby, thinking (since he always has to do what I'm doing), he might do it as well. He always gets frustrated when I do things without him, so this was a way to include him, right? Talk about a shut down. He looked at it, saw it said 'put on clean feet' and commented that he had worn shoes/socks all day so his feet weren't clean so he would wait until after he showered. I just stayed quiet. You have to leave it on for maybe an hour, I don't remember as I don't think I really read the men's packet. I left mine on for an hour or more, and my face mask as well. My feet were so soft and smooth - all that walking barefoot and rough patches on my heels was gone. Anyway, I'm just rambling. I'm done with trying to 'include' him. He always wants us to get pedicures together and manicures, but here I gave him an opportunity .. well, I'm just going to hush. Disappointed? Yeah, I was. At least he can't say I didn't include him, right? Not saying anymore about it.
Happy July 4th! The day is finally here and we have nothing planned. Hubby had me confused there for a bit - when he brought my coffee he asked what time we needed to leave. I told him 8:30a. I just realized that he is thinking we have something at church this morning - but it is next week, not today. We have nothing on the calendar for today. Guess I should get up and tell him so that he doesn't start getting ready to go somewhere we aren't going. Ok, that's done. He had written growth track on his calendar for today. I informed him we weren't going anywhere today. Although I may need to go to the grocery to get some zesty packets to try making my son's pickles.
Needless to say, I'm thrilled to have extended time in here. No rushing about to get ready for work; no plans to go anywhere. I can sit here and have my own party with a 2nd cup of coffee if I want to.
I have several different bibles, and different versions. Lately, I have been wanting to get back into reading my NKJV of the Jentezen Franklin Legacy bible. I've read it all the way through before, but then moved on to another one. But last night, I picked it up and started reading again. I really enjoy reading the pages where he has put part of his sermons. In fact, I looked up a couple of them specifically because I needed to hear what he was saying. Sometimes we need someone to 'preach' to us and help us understand life and who we are in Christ. We haven't watched JT on TV since we found Reclaim. It might not hurt us to watch him once in a while. I love how he preaches the Bible and tells the truth. And that's why I love Reclaim church. Last week Pastor John spoke on Job; I may have mentioned it earlier this week. We don't have an answer as to the 'Why' things happen... it's a good listen if you want... it's on You Tube, of course. Reclaim Church Peoria.
I need a second cup of coffee this morning. Hold on. Ok, got it. Bought some flavored coffee a couple weeks ago - it's a little weak, but not bad. I have gotten to where I add a little liquid 'original coffee' from Javvy to it to make it a bit stronger. My first cup today was Vanilla cake; not bad. Got Glazed Donut now... interesting taste, and I've made it more interesting by adding my liquid coffee to make it stronger. See how out of things to write about I am? Now I'm writing about my coffee!
Have you ever had a pain in your heart that hurts so badly and yet there is nothing you can do about it? No, nothing is wrong with the heart; it's just the things we carry around with us. Things going on around us. Things that grieve us. It's in these times that we can only run to the cross. To Jesus. I was down on my knees this morning, asking God what is wrong with me. I guess this is part confession.... I feel I 'used to' be able to sit for hours in prayer with Him, just chatting. I'd wake in the middle of the night and get up and just sit with Him, talking to Him, listening for His voice. Now if I wake up, I struggle to go back to sleep. I used to fast fairly frequently. Not bragging at all. My fasting was always for a purpose and I would fast and pray throughout the entire time. Now I 'think' about fasting and then go get something to eat. It's like my prison walls have shut in and sucked my life out of me. Too brutally honest? Oh, I still pray, every day, but I find myself distracted at times.
The women's group I'm in (and don't attend) - a couple are posting pictures in a chat and they all look so happy. In their red/white/blue, they are smiling. And I'll leave that there. Have you ever felt like life has sucked life out of you?
See how easily I get distracted? LOL Oh, I'm ok, just in a pit I think. Hmmm. Psalm 40?
Psalm 40:1-3 (ESV): I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 18:6 (ESV): In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.
Does that not bring us hope in the One we trust? Life may not happen the way I want it to. Life changes me because of my own doings. I have put myself in this place, and as I press into Jesus, I know He will pull me out and set me free. O how I love Him! And I know that He loves me. I'm so glad I built this 'habit' of meeting with Jesus every single morning, before I do anything. Even though sometimes I feel I'm out of sorts (sorta like this morning), I know He never changes. He is always waiting on me to sit and talk with Him. Even when I cut Him short, as I do some mornings when I feel like I just 'need' to get other things done.... He waits for me to return. How could I not want to sit with Jesus when He is so willing to sit and wait for me? He hears my heart before it even speaks. He knows my day before it even arrives. He knows my sorrow before I cry out to Him. He knows me, better than anyone else. (and just think how much YOU know me just by reading in here! I share way too much) Jesus knows me. And He knows you. Is He still waiting for you to sit and share your day with Him?
Have a wonderful 4th of July!
Blessings!
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