He decided not to go...

 Yeah.... I felt hubby get up in the middle of the night and noticed when I woke up again an hour or so later that he wasn't in bed - and could hear him breathing in the other room. He had taken to his chair to sleep - and that is ok.  But when he finally awoke about 5:30AM and came in here, he told me he wasn't going to go to Bible study this morning, but go back to bed.  He fixed my coffee and that is where he still is.  He did say he would still go visit our friend, Chuck, a bit later.   But for now, he's home and in bed.  Sometimes we just have to listen to our bodies.  I need to do that more often; but with work it is harder to make that call.  Yesterday I really wanted a nap - but I didn't want hubby to catch me napping during the day.  So I ended up not napping.  Why does that bother me?  I don't know. I usually wait until I hear him snoring in his own nap, then I curl up in my chair for about 15 minutes (break time) and can sleep about 10-20 minutes - and sometimes even go 30 minutes!  I do get breaks during the day.... I just don't take them when I'm not that busy to start with.

It's a funny conversation so I'm going to share it.  You know how fabric, especially like nylon or spandex, can get a 'runner' in them?  With that being said...  Morgan shared last night that she was showing a client how to do a 'hack squat' - and she felt the seam of her workout pants split.  She thought the entire seam had come undone.  Her client thought she had farted as it had made a noise!  But no fart, but what I saw later was a runner down/up the back seam over the bottom.  It was funny; she had a manager who was leaving for the day give her his shirt so that she could wear it around her waist, covering her bottom, so that she could finish working.  I was her last client.  When we finished, she put the shirt in the cabinet and fixed her backpack to where it hit her bottom, and I followed her out.  I actually think that that moment of merriment and laughter helped her feel better.  I guess she wasn't feeling well in the morning when hubby went to see her.

I had an evening alone as hubby met his friend last night for their study.  Remember, he switched Tuesday to Thursday for six weeks so that he could attend the men's bible study.  I didn't do much - worked some on my diamond art - I'm down to filling in a few that I missed, I think.  Should definitely finish it tonight. I hope.  If my daughter gets in soon enough tonight, they will go ahead and come here.  I'm going to make sure clean sheets are on the bed, but I told her she will have to deal with the clutter in here. 'It is what it is'.   Yes, I still want to get of things in here, but can't at the moment.  In time, in time. I hope.  Hubby staying home this morning kind of messes me up; I had already sorted out in my mind what I could get done (while working) while he was gone.

What is this with me that I just can't stand for him to know what I'm doing?  I recognize that in myself and all I can think of is that he has always tried to take it away from me, anything that I do. I have had to 'fight' to put things together myself, to straighten things up myself, to do anything by myself.  He clings to me like peanut butter on bread.  I sometimes have to fight to breathe, if you know what I mean. I know he (over) loves me. I know he wants the best for me.  But daggone it, let me be me and leave me at it!  Right?

Ok - off subject.  I've had to fight to be me for so many years it is like a natural reaction, I guess.  Everything I do, it feels like I try not to let him know.  Even to taking a quick nap during the day. I don't want comments. I don't want questions. I just want peace. Is that too much to ask? That's why I do many things that I do - that I know I shouldn't do - but I do it for my mental survival. Does that make sense?

I read this Reflection in my Bible this morning.  Thoughts from Dr. David Jeremiah. I can't take credit for any of it - but it definitely spoke to me this morning.  I'm going to write what he wrote.  This Reflection is referencing Mark 4:37-41.

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Mark 4:37-41 (NEV) - On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still not faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who then is this that even the wind and the sea obey him?"

The storm on the Sea of Galilee serves as a metaphor to remind readers that no one is exempt from life's storms just because he or she follows Christ. As was true for the disciples here, tempests can burst upon His people's lives even when *they are near Him; *they are doing nothing wrong and everything right; *no sin separates them from Him; *they are perfectly in His will.  So rough weather should never surprise us. In fact, Scripture says that storms must come our way if we want to live a godly life.

When Jesus and the disciples shoved off from the shore that day, He knew the storm was coming, yet He didn't prevent it. Why? First, He knew He would be with them through it.  Second, He knew that a life without turmoil has no real meaning, has no real joy, and produces no real faith.

In all of life's storms, Christians must remember that Jesus is in the boat with them. He is present; He is in control; nothing surprises Him; He has not forgotten us or our plight. If we know this, we can trust that He will bring peace into every situation - no matter how tempestuous our surroundings - and land us safely at His intended destination.

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How does that fit in to your situation right now?  Do you feel like you are in a storm - and that you are drowning?  Does anguish and desperation and heaviness weigh you down?  First of all, I'm sorry. I really am. I wish I could take that from you. But I cannot.  But I know a guy who can.  Jesus.  What is going on in your life (or mine) does not surprise Him. (I have to remind myself of that constantly)  Every thing that is going on in your life (and mine) is for a purpose that we may never know.  Sometimes the turmoil is to get our attention off the world and on to Jesus. On to family. On to those you say you love. Sometimes it is to heal relationships. Sometimes it is to let go of other relationships; other things.  We don't know what God's plan is while it is going on, but in reflection afterwards, we often see that what happened, what changed, was for His good - and for our good.

Life is hard sometimes.  I know I've mentioned it in here a few times - marriage has been very difficult. Many times I've wanted to leave, but I know that God hates divorce, and I allowed that mistake once. But because of this marriage, it caused me to desperately run back to Jesus and to seek Him with all of my heart.  I took my 'head knowledge' of Jesus growing up - and ran to Him so that I could get a 'heart knowledge', and I found that Jesus loves me personally, more than I could ever hope or imagine.  I shudder to think what I could have become had I not turned to Jesus.  He truly does bring life to one's soul, when it is surrendered to Him.

Do I still make mistakes? Absolutely.  I am a fallen sinner, saved by His grace.  And so are you.  Never give up on Jesus.  Trust Him. Believe in Him.  Know that He loves you so much that He will walk with you through any trial, any turmoil, any problem - that you come up against.  Talk to Him. Tell Him what you are feeling. Tell Him your anger, your fear, your hope.  

"Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved."  A scripture we quote frequently.  'and you will be saved' doesn't mean Jesus will take away your problem. It doesn't mean that He will instantly heal you (yet, He could, if that is in His plan).  It does mean that when life does end, you will spend eternity with Him.  That is worth more than anything this life has to offer.  And I hang on to that with every bit of strength that I have.  

Life is hard.  Trust in Jesus. Believe in Him - no matter what.  Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Only in Him will you find the peace to face today.

Blessings!

Back to my routine

 Hubby came home yesterday afternoon so I'm back in my routine here in the mornings.  He is doing well, although we were cautioned to keep an eye on the 'puncture' wound in his abdomen, that if we should see blood on the bandage, for him to lie down and call 911.  Why?  Because the surgery was in an artery and if something should come lose, he could bleed out.  I'm confident that all will go well; this isn't like a surgery that has never been done before.  But, if one knows hubby, one knows that he is a 'worry wart' and fear is his biggest thing.   He apparently did not sleep much last night as he asked as he brought in my coffee "did I keep you awake last night?".  Oftentimes when he asks that question, I want to return the question with "No, why? Did you try to?"  But I don't.  I know it is just his way of telling me he didn't sleep well.  And then he relies on his Fitbit to tell him 'how bad' he slept. Which drives me crazy.  I tell him all the time the Fitbit may give him an idea if he slept bad - but when the numbers stay in the same area - it's possible that is your 'sleep number', even if it is less than 70.  He bases his sleep too much on that number.  I rarely look at my 'sleep number'.  If I wake up tired and sleepy, I obviously didn't rest well.  If I wake up rested, I slept good.  For example, the other night, when I was alone, I didn't go to bed until around 10PM.  I slept sound until 4AM when my alarm went off, and after I shut it off, I slept more until 5:30AM.  I feel I slept well.  Last night I woke up once - but then I drank a lot of water in the evening, so I had to get up.  My alarm went off at 4AM; I noticed hubby had already gotten up (since he obviously wasn't sleeping), so I stayed in bed another 15 minutes or so just because I wanted to and didn't want to get up.  Oh well.  Bottom line, hubby is home, and all is well.

I'm back at work today.  Reluctantly, I might add.  I did get online yesterday morning before going to the hospital and cleared out messages, saw I had several meetings to create when back online this morning.  I have several more messages that came through after I cleared out the others.  Oh well.  Part of the job, and I can do only what I can do.   I'm at the point where I'd like to be laid off with a severance package.  Sigh. Like that would happen.  Not that I have anything to do here at home.... but I would like to take a less stressful part-time job and be able to do some things.  Although I really don't see hubby letting me do what all I want to do.  He does not like being left alone, he has this fear of dying and being alone.  I get it; at his age, it can happen if he should fall or whatever.

Pretty much stuck to my Virta eating plan yesterday.  Actually, I think I did stick to it.  Bacon and eggs for breakfast.  I didn't eat lunch as was at the hospital yesterday from 10AM until about 2PM before hubby got discharged.  I didn't fix dinner until about 6PM as I had a workout at the gym at 5PM and didn't want to eat before I went.  Air-fried chicken breast and cooked broccoli.  I could have added another vegetable, but just wanted to get dinner over with.  We usually eat between 4-5PM just because I 'want to get it over with' after working all day.  If we go out with friends, it's usually 5:30-6:30PM that we meet them - and that's ok too.  I just have to watch my carbs (and hubby, of course, says he is doing this with me, although I can't let him use my monitor nor scale as they are linked into the app for my coach to see) when I plan a meal or go out to eat.  I am going to make this Plan work.  I need to set an example for my children and eat right.  

But, I love potato chips and the salt they provide. :-)  I still eat a lot of dark chocolate (or I used to), and I can have a small piece of the very dark chocolate in those moments of 'stress' or 'desire' and it not affect the Plan.  I love bread.  Sigh. I still haven't made any... but I want to and will have to give it away.  I found a couple recipes to make 'bread' for low-carb diets and may try it.  One, believe it or not - is (I think) 1/2 cup parmesan cheese, 1 egg, and something else, can't remember.  Anyway, you put it in a Dash waffle maker and cook until crispy.  The book said to make several and put in the freezer - when going to a restaurant, order a burger without the bun, then use two of these as your 'bread'.  Might be interesting to try.  I don't often eat a lot of cheese, but I love dropping a tablespoon of cheese on the griddle and letting it melt and when it is 'done', it is crispy and oh so good.  

The hardest part of all this Plan?  Well, besides giving up my potato chips and bread, is allowing myself to eat some fats.  Like using butter on things that I normally left off (or used sparingly) because of the fat content.  I've been using real butter for years, even though it is more expensive than margarine.  I sometimes use margarine for some cookies as the recipe requires vegetable oil, which is in margarine.  Kerrygold is expensive, but overall, it is the best butter.  I don't use it for baking but will use it for adding for flavor.

Since I should be limiting myself to 30 carbs a day, I have to watch how I use my Shakeology shakes - they contain 17 carbs in one scoop.  But I can drink the Premier Protein shakes - which are actually very good - because they only have 3-4 carbs in them.  They are great for a replacement meal or as a snack for they aren't large, but give you a sense of fullness.  I'm determined I'm going to do this 'right'.  

Ephesians 4:2 (NIV):  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

I know few people who I could see that verse in, and it is something I can strive for.  Not that I feel I am a proud person, but I certainly know some people who are!  And I'm sure you do as well.  How can you tell a person is 'proud'?  I'm not sure if this would be a definition, but I feel it is a lot about their attitude.  If you offer the least amount of criticism about something they are involved in - oh my! - I know a couple people who really get angry and will either cut you off or ignore you for awhile.  They think they are being 'righteous' in their anger, but it is really stupidity, in my opinion.  No one is better than another person.  We were all born the same way. We were all created the same - in the image of God.  Therefore, we should be humble and kind, gentle, with each other.  We never know what that one person may be going through - whether they think they are going through something or not.

Changing the subject, I got a text from my little sister last night asking if I missed her bugging me every day (she is now in Florida for a couple months).  For one, we don't talk every day nor text every day all the time.  We sometimes go a week or more without chatting.  Especially when she is angry with me - it could be six months!  So I honestly replied that no, I hadn't missed anything as I had been busy with hubby.  Mentioned his surgery.  She knew about it, but had forgotten, and since it was done and over with and he was ok, it was on to how much she was enjoying the sunshine and 77 degrees in Florida.  They are staying with a cousin of her husband's until February 1 when they will get their own place for two months.  Glad she is enjoying her 'vacation'.  And no, I'm not jealous.

I want to jump in the shower yet this morning so will close this off.  Hope that you have a fun-filled and amazing day.

Blessings!

Hubby's home and all is well.

 Hubby called me about 11AM yesterday morning to come and pick him up - which I did.  Was thinking about stopping for fast food on the way home and take it with us, but got a call from my daughter that she had some things for me that she wanted to drop off.  She asked about hubby and when I told her we were on our way home, she offered to stop and pick up fast food for us and bring - to which I said OK!  It was nice not to have that additional stop.  Hubby is doing well and told me again last night how appreciative he was that I would stay all day at the hospital and being with him.  It was nice that he acknowledged that I was there for him.  We had a quiet afternoon; he went to do his quiet time, and I went  back to work.  He even heated up our food for dinner!!  I can't remember the last time he did that!  Granted, we had 'tv dinners', but he heated them up for both of us.  

Yesterday was an interesting day at work.  My one boss (male) asked if he could call me yesterday morning, and I said 'sure', and he did.  He shared about him being called on the 'red carpet' and his frustration of people not being clear on what they want from him, and then when he focuses on one area, they tell him its the wrong one.  I let him 'spill it out', encouraged him, and scheduled a 7:30AM meeting this morning for him to meet with his boss to discuss this more.  Not sure that his plans of telling his boss (and put it on paper) of all that he does do, without help, is the right path to take, but he is a lot smarter than me, so maybe it is.  Don't know that I would do much different though.  Don't we, when someone says we don't do anything, begin creating a list to show all that we do?

I can remember when hubby and I had this discussion a long, long time ago as to what does he do.  He doesn't want us to have this conversation now, but back then, he actually was doing some things.  What he did, though, was create a list, and he would write down from this time to this time he did this.  And from this time to this time he did that.  Oh my goodness.  I remember laughing at him - which didn't go over well at all - but who does that?  I don't have to prove my worth to anyone.  Nor does he.  But we need to be able to give a good report of each other.  If he sees I'm not doing something he thinks I need to do, he needs to speak it to me in love, and let me either decide to take care of that issue or explain the purpose of what I was doing.  And the same with him.  I wasn't asking for an itemized list.  I was asking that I see the results of the things he said he was doing.  Now, he admits he doesn't do anything except laundry and any dishes we dirty up.  And bringing me coffee in the mornings.  We have house cleaners come in once a month because he doesn't clean the house as he promised me he would.  Ah.... enough of that... not complaining... just a rambling of the mind of the example of what we do to justify what we don't do.

My lesson this morning was on the subject of repentance.  How would you answer this question?  "How often do you think a person must repent to be in a right relationship with God?"  1) Only once, when the person believes in Christ for salavation.  2) During special church services when others are resonding to God.  3) Daily, in order to keep a clean slate before God.  4) At salvation and anytime thereafter that God convicts the person of sin.

Did you know that an attitude of repentance is crucial in our initial coming to Christ for salvation?  To become a Christian involves repenting - which means turning away from an old way of life and turning to Christ for forgiveness and salvation.   Yet, our repentance doesn't end there.  We need that same attitude in our ongoing relationship with God.  As Christians, we will still be tempted to do the things we have always done in sin.  We've been given a desire to change, but sometimes in these temptations to return to our old ways, we give in.  But we have also been given a new nature to desire to turn away from those things we did before.  The inclination of those who truly belong to Him will be to humbly confess and forsake sin whenever we are confronted with it in our lives.

Back in the 1970's there was a revival in Romania.  The Christians there were called 'Repenters'.  Why?  Because they repented from all forms of alcohol and lying to their employers.  Yep.  That's what they repented from, I guess they over indulged in alcohol and lied to their employers.  And it doesn't matter WHAT sin we do, it is still a sin when God touches our hearts and we feel a need to turn away from it.  I'm not saying drinking is wrong.  God doesn't say drinking is wrong.  His word says to not get drunk.  

Repentance is for Christians as well as non-Christians.   In other words, 'once a repenter, always a repenter'.  God often brings to mind things that I need to change, or to ask forgiveness for.  It may be a sharp word to someone.  Or I ignored someone.  Or I neglected to do what I said I would do.  I've had to repent to God many times, and I imagine I will need to repent many more times before I die.  Why do I do it?  Because I want to be with Jesus.  Repenting keeps Jesus as my focus and my desire to be like Him.  Only Jesus was pure and holy and without sin.

When King David was confronted of his sin with Bathsheba, he wrote Psalm 51.  I read it frequently, and allow God to speak to me.  I hope you do as well.

Psalm 51:1-17 (NIV)  "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.  Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.  

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.  Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.  Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.  Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.  Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.  Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you.  Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise.  You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.  My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."

Become a repenter.  You won't regret it.

Blessings!

Back home and back to normal - whatever that is...

 Hubby was discharged from the hospital yesterday.  They have run all kinds of tests on him and I think he thoroughly enjoyed people taking an interest in him - i.e., giving him personal attention.  He did surprise me by not insisting I be there in the hospital with him all day.  I'm grateful for that; I do have to work and I did miss some hours of work by being at the hospital with him - with my boss' blessing, knowing that I would make up my time and keep up on my work.  I'm grateful for a boss like that.

I had to chuckle when I got around to reading hubby's discharge papers for it depends on which doctor they want him to see as to what final diagnosis they gave him.  He is to see his PCP for follow-up; a pulmonary/lung specialist; and a vascular doctor.  I'm sure all diagnoses are the same; they just used different words for that speciality.  Overall, he has a small blood clot in each lung - which may be dissolved as they had him on heparin for two days.  (now he is on blood thinners for life, I'm sure).  They did discover (but we already knew) a 4th aneurysm behind a knee.  Yes, the 4th.  I was told to not tell anyone about the others... and here I am... spilling it out.  He is the vascular surgeon for three of them, and a cardiovascular doctor for one, as it is near the heart and nearly dissolved now.

Hubby was glad to get home last night.  I had about an hour of work to do so finished that up and started dinner.  My head had started hurting early afternoon so by evening I was not in a good place ... my head hurt so bad and wouldn't go away.  Plus I was exhausted.  Then I remembered why.  I took pill #5 yesterday morning and the last 4 times has made me feel this way; but the headache was worse this time.  Went to bed around 8PM I think, then was up at 10:30; 12:30; 1AM - and finally just came in here to sleep some in my chair, waking again at 3AM and 4AM.  I took an excedrin at 1AM so was able to finally get rid of the headache.

I told hubby that I really believe God allowed him to get choked on the popcorn.  Yes, that sounds foolish, doesn't it?!  Why would God 'allow' hubby to get choked so badly on the popcorn that he would cough and cough and gag and throw up?  I believe He did so that eventually we would take him to the hospital so that tests could be run.... and discover the blood clots and specifically identify the 4th aneurysm.  The aneurysm was already discovered by the vascular doctor, but it hadn't been tested as to size yet.  But the blood clots - we never would have known if he hadn't gone into the hospital for specific tests to identify a problem.  That's God.  He allows things to happen so that we can discover other things.  And it isn't always health related.

Hubby is still wheezing some - which is the actual reason he went to the hospital and we still don't know the 'reason' it has continued.... but I'm sure his PCP will be monitoring to see what is going on.  Overall, hubby is home now, and is working on getting his doctors lined up and being taken care of.  He was terrified when he went in the first day, but by the day of discharge, he felt better, knowing he was going to be ok.

So there you have it.  And I had my alone time for two days.  Well, two evenings, as I spent some of the days at the hospital.  And what did I do?  I thought about doing some things I want to get done... but didn't.  I was exhausted from work and hospital visits.  I watched movies and worked on a baby blanket I am making for a friend's daughter.  And I was still in bed early both nights.  

I'm so glad we are 'friends of God', for I had no doubt that He was in control of this entire hospital stay and that hubby would be taken care of.  For what we don't know, He does, and He brings about the things we need to be aware of.

So - do you know God?  Can you say you are a 'friend of God'?  Are you confident that He is in control of all things and that your health is in His hands?  Above all, He desires you - your love, devotion, obedience - your heart, soul, mind and body.  Once you relinquish that into His very capable and loving hands, you are His friend.  And He loves you.  And He cares for you.  And He wants only the very best for you.  He will take care of you and provide for you all that you need.

Do you believe it?  Test Him in this; He tells you in His Word to test Him.  Give your life to Him and see what He can do with it.  I guarantee you that it will be much better than it is now!

Blessings!