Trying to find myself

 I did it. I went to see Ms. Vicky yesterday afternoon.  We had a nice visit and she was so appreciative that I came to visit. I learned she sold her car as her eyes are so bad with muscular degeneration (I think that is what it is) that she can't see much except in peripheral vision.  She could no longer drive.  I feel bad that I haven't cooked extra and taken food over to her; she mentioned her roommate got after her for not having any groceries and she said she had responded she had peanut butter and bread; she was good.  She gave me a large crockpot she no longer used so I am going to make a big pot of chili before the week is over (well, that is the plan) and take some over to her.  I need to keep in better contact.  Today I plan to make cheeseballs and take that and crackers over to her and to Ms. Diane.  Our neighbors will get a big one for they have a lot of family stopping by, I'm sure.  I still need to make cookies for the cookie plates and get those ready to be delivered or picked up.  I still have time so not critical.

I have things I want to do and get done this week - but none of it is critical and I can probably do it most anytime. I'm done with shopping and wrapping. I do need to focus on finishing this message for Sunday.  This morning, though, I do need to make my gym training at 9AM. After that I will get busy and get the cheeseballs made - and will see after that what I do.  The message is going to have to be priority though; I need to review it a few times before Sunday - and then start on the next week's message for I speak two Sundays in a row.

Hubby and I had a 'tiff' last night before bed.  I can not get his line of thinking sometimes.  Yes, I had some clothes on top of the washer (the dirty aprons that were used yesterday).  I still had some things that I use for baking on top of the dryer.  Now mind you, it was about 9PM.  Hubby comes to me, very nicely worded, and said (something like) "If I need to do laundry this week, will you be able to clear off the washer and dryer so that I can get to them?"  I get it - it was a nice question - but I feel it is very doubtful that he will wash clothes this week. (I'm not 'allowed' to do laundry. That's 'his' job. Which is why I wash some things while he is gone.)  And, was it important enough that I clear everything off at 9PM that night to make him happy?  Well, I just stood there and looked at him kind of crazy I guess - and voiced my thought...which has now escaped me.... and he said some things he should not have said to me - and then he went off on how mistreated he is, that it is always his fault and he was asking nicely.  Roll the eyes here.  Sigh.  I went in and threw the dirty aprons (there were 3) into the laundry room sink (I will wash them on Friday while he is gone), and moved the two trays and a few other things to my place at the kitchen table... I can put them away today.  The washer and dryer are now 'clear'.  He will do at least one load of laundry just to show me he was going to do it.  But at 9PM Monday night - knowing this is Christmas week; I am still baking and making things... yet, it was critical for him to tell me he plans to do laundry and the washer and dryer had something on top and he couldn't do it.  Lord HELP!

Today is Christmas Eve and as mentioned above, all I really have to do is my gym training at 9AM. I want to make the other things and get to the neighbors - and if I do - great. If not - 'it is what it is'.  I've been in a major funk the past few months and it has been difficult to come out of it. But I'm fighting my way to the top and out of that funk.  I think I have even dealt with depression, although not to where I couldn't do things. I just didn't want to make the effort. Have you ever felt that you have been beaten up mentally to where there was nothing left? That's where I've been, and I knew it, and looking back, I still see it..... I am fighting for joy.  I need to remind myself of where my Joy is.

Nehemiah 8:10 (NKJV):  And Nehemiah continued: "Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!"

I'm sure I have shared with you before, possibly many years ago, of when one of my bosses yelled at me and slammed her hand down on her desk... I just stood there and smiled at her.  Then all of a sudden she stopped yelling, and told me "You have a nice smile." As if nothing had happened.  This boss always had me singing "The Joy of the Lord is my strength" all the way down the hall to the restroom and back.  I'm so serious!  Every.single.day!  She was so nice to me after her little outburst, which really had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with her.  In fact, when she became pregnant for the first time at age 42, she asked me to pray for her and her little one.  

The Joy of the Lord, and in knowing Him, is truly my strength in the most trying times of my life.  Life has not always been easy... probably mostly because of my own decisions, but many times I remind myself that people can not give me the Joy that I can get from knowing Jesus.  I don't know I could even explain it - it's an 'inner joy' that He gives us and that will help us through any trial, any battle, any conflict - anything that this life throws at us.  I am fearful (although we are told to 'fear not') of what the future ahead is going to bring. I've seen bits and pieces this year and it scares me, for I don't know how to handle some of it.  Someone who has been so controlling of my life (although the claim is that I am the controlling one)... well, let us just leave this here.

Hubby said he will be wrapping my gifts this afternoon because when he waits until the evening on Christmas eve, it wears him out.  I told him the wrapping paper, scissors and tape, are all on the back bed - he can go do it at any time.  Grateful I am done.  With shopping and wrapping. Still have cooking and baking - but that's ok.

I did receive one package yesterday - my pampered chef order. I thought they had told me I had 'won' a spatula, but they forgot to have it put in the package, I guess. No biggie. I have several of them. I really would like the solid metal one; couldn't find it in the catalog so will go to my usual 'store' - Amazon - and see if I can find what I want.  I got another $20 giftcard for Amazon from another co-worker.  That is $45 in Amazon e-cards (already added them to my account) and a $10 egift card for Starbucks.  I still have one from last year I have never used.  Found it the other day so maybe will stop at a nearby one and get something yet this week.  I really didn't need any pampered chef, but when it is people I know, I always want to help them reach their goal.  I bought a brownie pan which I plan to use today when I start baking. Not that I need individual pieces baked; cutting with a knife always worked before. LOL  

Well, I guess I have rambled on enough today and will get off here. I left my computer in the 'front room' dining table so here I am. Surprised hubby hasn't come to see what the noise is (clicking of the keys) but perhaps he hasn't 'heard' them. I need to start getting ready for the gym anyway.

Happy Christmas Eve - hope all your shopping is done! Who wants to go out in the crowds today?  Not me!  Be safe out there.

Blessings!

4 things that cause people to leave church -

 The message yesterday was very good; very interesting.  One of the things our Pastor spoke was that there are four things that cause people to leave a church.  Messages on 1) Giving (there they go, asking for money again!) 2) Hell (people don't want to hear where they will go unless they accept Jesus as Lord) 3) Holy Spirit (some people are scared of the Holy Spirit and want nothing to do with Him) and 4) politics (can't go there in case we offend someone!).

Last week the message was on Hell - based on Revelations 20.  Read it.  Remember the Bible story of the rich man and Lazarus, who sat outside the rich man's gate?  The rich man gave him nothing.  When the rich man and Lazarus died, Lazarus went to heaven, the rich man to hell.  The rich man asked Abraham, who held Lazarus in his bosom, that Lazarus could just dip his finger in water to give the rich man a cool touch.  But he was denied.  The chasm is there that no one can cross over. Read Luke 16 for the entire story. 

Yesterday the message was on the Holy Spirit.  There were several scriptures used and my mind is blank as to the main one - but it was a great message and yes, several people in the church do speak in tongues. Some people believe that the gifts of the Holy Spirit died years ago when the disciples all died.  That is not true.  The gifts of the Spirit are alive yet today.  We all do not have the same gifts, but each of us have a gift.  There are different kinds of spiritual gifts and we all have a responsibility to use them for the glory of God.  Some gifts come and go - by that I mean that there may be a time when you need a specific gift and God will provide it, but it may not be there after that one time.  Other gifts are there for a season.  And sometimes, you lose those gifts when you do not press in and use those gifts.  Or pride gets in the way and you pat yourself on the back that you have that gift, and you find you lose it as you try to use that gift in your own power.

Mario Murillo, who is having successful revival messages throughout the country (will be in Chandler this month, I think), and he has the gift of healing.  God will tell him of someone who has a specific ailment and he will call them out - and as they stand in faith, God reaches down in His mercy, and brings healing.  I've watched some of his meetings and have seen people break out in tears over their healing, they have been in such pain that they could barely walk, and now could walk freely and move their body.  Do I believe this is real?  Yes I do.  I believe that God wants to heal us all, regardless of what our ailments are.  

Cindy Jacobs is a prophetic intercessor who heads up Generals International.  I've known other people who have given prophetic messages.  In fact, hubby and I received one years ago, written out to us by someone we know.  I have it still around here somewhere.  I am just not sure where it ended up since we moved.  We were really puzzled over this Word that was written to us - and as time has passed us by, we have remembered and recognized what was 'spoken' to us.  It actually involved a 'religious spirit' of sorts.  We had been in this one church for years - and were happy there.  But this 'Word' said that we would change how we worshipped, that it wouldn't be orderly like we were enjoying.  We couldn't understand that as we had no plans to leave.  But leave we did several years later and the last two churches we have gone to have not been 'in order' but 'as the Spirit moved.  Especially the church we have now felt we are to make our church home.  Some people would be uncomfortable with it; in fact, I have expected hubby to voice his opinion about some things.  'In order' I mean by man's order.  Announcements, a couple songs, preacher speaks, we sing another song, go home.   Sometimes you just need to let the Holy Spirit lead and you follow.  Twenty years ago I can't say we would have even entertained a thought of going to this type of church.  But with the Word spoken, we feel this is where we are to be, for this moment in time.

I know that 'Giving' will be a topic soon for preaching.  It's one of the 4 and Pastor Pat said that he's done two of them now.  It is a touchy subject for some people as they feel their money is their money.  My mother always tithed, although we never thought much about it.  We have tithed over the years.  And because we do tithe, God always provides for our every need.  His Word tells us to tithe and Malachi 3:8-10 states that we are robbing God when we do not give Him a tithe of what we have.  God owns everything we have anyway, so why shouldn't we give Him back a portion of it?  Giving, or tithing, is always a delicate subject for a pastor to speak on because the thought that comes to mind for some people is 'they always ask for money'.  

My big brother is really encouraging me to build up my body in strength.  He walks most days and sends me a copy of his time/miles off his app.  And I do the same back to him.  I didn't really want to - but managed to get on the treadmill yesterday and I walked almost three miles.  I have discovered that the back room in which the treadmill resides, and although it has a ceiling fan, does not cool down.  The treadmill needs to be UNDER the fan.... but it isn't.  And for someone who doesn't usually sweat, I am dripping with sweat!  That's a good thing, right?  I comment it is easier for him to walk because he is retired.... and I work... but.  Yes, But.  I still have time that I can walk, but I am usually too lazy to do it.  I actually sat and thought about it yesterday afternoon.  Afterall, I wasn't working yesterday.  Yes, we went to church, stopped at Coco's for lunch, and came home.  We did stop by one of the rec centers yesterday cause we heard they had a walking track and we wanted to see what it was.  It's a quarter mile track and it is cushioned - but it is outside.  When we got back home from checking it out, I debated on getting on the treadmill... and knew that I was just being lazy.  Hubby kept reminding me Sunday was a 'day of rest'.  Almost convinced me, until my brother sent me his walk info for the day - nearly 5 miles.  I knew I wasn't going to do that.... but propped my Kindle up on the treadmill and located Prime Video and brought up a movie, plugged in my earplugs, and started walking.  I did get nearly 3 miles in before I called it quits.  With being back to work today and our Bible study tonight at 6:30PM,  I'm going to have to work some time in to get my walking in.  And yes, I send my brother my statistics and he cheers me every time I do.  It matters.  Especially cause I don't feel/see any results of my changing my eating habits and walking.  I will, in time, but not right now.  

Hubby is going to the movies today with a friend to watch the new Top Gun movie.  He did ask me to go... but he knows I'm not a big movie theatre fan.  I think it goes back to I was not allowed to go to movies when I was growing up.  In fact, we didn't get to do much of anything.  No movies or shows, no dancing, no football games, no anything.  As for movies, my stepsister and her boyfriend at that time snuck to see The Ten Commandments at an outside drive-in (do you remember those?) and got busted and grounded for it.  I just prefer to sit at home and watch movies on TV.  Anyway, hubby and his friend are going out to breakfast and then will go to the show.  Which means I will have a quiet morning, unless I have meetings to attend.  Haven't turned the work computer on yet to see.

And with all that ... I need to hush and get off here.  Some days I just want to keep rambling and writing. :-)

Blessings!