I'm just going to pretend....

 for awhile anyway.  At Sue's retirement party yesterday I was asked numerous times when I was going to retire.  I would just laugh and say "when I die or can't work anymore or 3 more years when I turn 80".  They asked how it will be for me when Sue retires... and I could only respond, "I'm pretending that she is going on a vacation.... that keeps getting extended. After awhile, the reality she will not be at my beck and call Monday - Friday will sink in."  LOL  I'm just kidding around with them.  Sue and I do not talk every day since we aren't in the office together, but we do talk frequently.  And once she is 'done' with work, I won't contact her about work anymore.  I just won't.  Do I really want to retire?  In a way, to be honest about it. But as I've mentioned many times over the past year or so - what would I do if I was retired?  I would lose more than I would gain.  I would have to get a part time job.... so why not keep working as long as I can so that I can keep the mind active, have specific tasks to complete, and get gifts on admin professional day, my birthday, and Christmas?  LOL  Just kidding.  I often think about what I would do if retirement was a possibility... and I will talk about retirement, and whine about not doing it... for a time to come.  Besides, it gives me something to write in here, right?

The retirement party went well; about 50 or so people came. I took lots of photos and sent them to Sue afterwards so that I could clear my phone.  Can you believe this?  I baked scones.  My pumpkin scones. And I got lots of compliments on them.  But I was the only one who baked.  Everyone else brought muffins, scones, other pastries - all store bought!!  we also had iced coffee (in containers from Sprouts; going to check those out) and juice.  She received several bags of gifts, but I don't know what she got as she just took them home.  I know I overbought supplies, so I get to return about $55 worth to Amazon because I didn't use those.  And, I get to expense the other supplies I purchased from Sams Club and get reimbursed.  I got to see people - some I haven't seen since before covid - and got a lot of hugs and got to talk with a lot of people.  I was on my feet the entire time and I tell you what!  By the time I got home, I was tired!  All in all, it was nice and Sue was happy, although she still will be working through August 31st.   In God's timing, my time will come.  Sue says "when the time comes for you to retire, you will know it is time."  Her husband wasn't on board in the beginning either (he retired 18 years ago, selling his business, but he is her age). They have managed their money well over the years so after the remodeling in their bathrooms this week - their entire house will be remodeled - just like having a new home without having to change addresses.   Enough of the party!

Today won't be too busy, got to make sure the PowerPoint deck is ready and complete to send out to board members today.  One of the doctors who submits slides told me yesterday that she would try to get hers in today.  Then I was confused at first - I was thinking the board meeting was next week - and it isn't!  It's Thursday THIS week!  I was focused on the party and forgot the board meeting.  The deck must go out today to the board members so I will be looking at it first thing this morning.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NKJV):  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

As I was reading in my bible this morning, several versus in Ephesians jumped out at me.  Why did I choose this specific one?  Because it reminds me of the bitterness I carried within me for years because of disappointment.  No one would know I was bitter.  They could probably see how I was angry, but bitterness?  Me?  Naw, I'm good!  Until one day I was reading a book.... don't even remember what book.... and it talked about disappointment becoming bitterness.  And I recognized that trait in myself.  Then I became disappointed in myself, because I had taken on bitterness, a trait that as a Christian, I shouldn't have.  Does that make sense?

It wasn't that I didn't get my way.  It was more that I was so disappointed in someone that bitterness took root within me and I tell you - it was awful!  I prayed about that bitterness time and time again, that it would be removed from me, and replaced with love.  I would have to tell myself many times over "I forgive xxxxxx" and "I love xxxxxxxx" (don't count the x's to figure it out, I didn't put the exact number down!).  

I had to learn to take my disappointment in others to God and ask Him to deal with them.  In my anger, I was not able to be truly kind. Definitely not tenderhearted. And I didn't want to forgive. I wanted to bring it to light time and again - (although I did not) - and I wanted to punish them.  They 'ruined' my life - don't they deserve the punishment I feel they do?  I couldn't talk to them about my bitterness and anger for they wouldn't have understood.  But it was - and sometimes still is - real.  Life could have been so much different for everyone if I ....  well, let's leave that there.... but trust me, I had to do a lot of praying, a lot of talking with God about my disappointment and anger ... for me to get over it.  And in reading this verse this morning, I realize I no longer hold in bitterness and anger.  It hasn't done me any good for years of holding it it... but it is refreshing to know that I no longer hold anger and bitterness for this individual.  I can't change the past.  But I can change how I face the future.

By the way, Disappointment - change the D to H - and it becomes His appointment.  Sometimes God allows situations and things in our lives in order to grow us in some areas.  Growing is hard, and many times it is painful, especially when we don't see what it is that we are to learn.   I know I am still growing, and yes, it is painful in some areas, but I know that God is good and I know that He has only the best planned for my future.  

I may not understand the path I am on; I may disagree with how life deals its blows, but one thing I do know.  Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.  No matter what we go through in this life, let's look at it as a learning situation, no matter how painful, and grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I Peter 5:7   Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.

May your day be full of amazing wonder as God reveals Himself to you in the things we take for granted.  Watch for Him, you will see His hand.

Blessings!

It was a cool thing...

 I went to church yesterday and looking around for the tithing envelopes that were usually setting out - but this day wasn't - I asked a lady at the reception desk where they were.  She didn't know, but she paused and looked at me and said, "What are you wearing?"  I knew what she meant cause I often get that question.  What was I wearing?  "Red Door" I responded.  She goes, "I knew it!  My grandmother used to wear Red Door!" I laughed cause I am old enough to BE her grandmother! (Ok, a young one)  She went on to explain, "My grandmother died 17 years ago and I always associate the smell of Red Door with her."  I think my 'smell' brought her good memories and joy.  I wonder if my children/grandchildren would remember the Red Door fragrance I have worn for years - and will continue to wear as long as I can get it.  I have nearly a full bottle right now and since I wear it infrequently with not going anywhere, it will last for awhile.

Reminds me that my little sister wears Beautiful by Este Lauder and has for several years.  And that is the reason she refuses to change; she says her grandchildren knows that is her 'smell'.  Whatever. LOL

I like Red Door because it blends with my body 'odor' and I frequently get compliments on how good I smell.  Much better than a sweat smell, right?

It's Monday all over again and this year is zooming past.  I think Amazon's prime days starts today  -  I usually don't even bother to look unless there is something I want to get - which there isn't.  Yes, I pay full price for a lot of things - but I get what I want when I want it.  I have no idea what to get anyone for Christmas this year; I expect none of them need anything.  Like me, if they want it, they get it. End of story.  I feel foolish at times because I know I get something I 'think' they may like - only they politely smile and say 'thank you', knowing that it will go in a closet somewhere.  

How can one be part of a family and yet feel so 'out' of the family?  I feel it more and more.  And I will leave that there.

Yesterday was my daughter's 24th BMT birthday.  I made her a brownie cake.  I called, asked if I could pick up lunch and bring over... but there was a conflict with streaming the football game and losing the stream and other things going on that she didn't think it was a good idea.  Hubby was disappointed; he wanted me to buy lunch.  Instead he got fettuccini here at home.  No garlic bread.  Later in the afternoon I cut into that brownie cake and sent my daughter a photo - told her that I wanted a piece of cake and was going to enjoy it.  IF I saw her on Tuesday, she could have the rest.  She sent back 'lol'.  The cake was too rich and if she doesn't take it Tuesday, it will go in the trash.  I also cooked the brownie a bit too long and it was crunchy on the bottom.  Oh well.  Hubby and I ate a piece.  I think this is the first year, in 24 years, that I did not see my daughter on her birthday.  Not saying that to put her on a guilt trip.  Hubby knew I was disappointed (and I was, but not that much. Getting used to disappointments) and kept apologizing that I didn't get to see her.  It's all good.  It's another day and we move on, right?  Once broken, it's not important anymore.

I did absolutely nothing as far as baking (other than the brownie cake) and tearing up boxes, etc. or even cleaning this weekend. Well, I did mop the kitchen floor; couldn't stand it anymore.  I really thought I'd bake and work on different things.  I did not.  I already told you what I did Saturday.  As for yesterday, it was church, then just stayed home.  Hubby watched the football games with his headset on cause I wanted to read.  Finished Vanished by David Jeremiah.  I think I am at 42 books with 8 to go to meet my goal of 50 books for the year.  It still seems like a lot, although Goodreads says I'm five books ahead of 'schedule'.  Started on yet another book last night before heading to bed.  Stopped in between books and we watched a couple hours of NCIS reruns.  Reading must be good for me; I slept sound last night.

I still need to clean out my freezer to make room for baking for Christmas.  Will I do that today? I don't know. Part of me says 'yes'... but the lazy part says 'no'.  Who will win?

I'm covering for my boss's boss's admin this week as she has flown to Japan for her great niece's graduation from high school.  She does travel a lot; I think her husband is retired military and several family members are in the military so she flies a lot of places to visit.  And each time she goes, I get to cover for her.  Yay, me. :-)

I'm back to reading The Awe of God by John Bevere again in the mornings. Just a short chapter each morning - only this time I am reading it, and watching the 3 minute video on Messenger X that they have.  Only finished day 2 so haven't gotten very far in it.  The first time I read it I didn't watch the videos; just didn't bother.  But I asked my friend Lori, who recently taught the book in her Bible study on how did it go, and she told me that the girls really grew spiritually as they read and watch the video - moreso than any other Bible study they have done.  That encouraged me to go back and watch the video as I read through each chapter.  More on that another time, perhaps - if I remember.

I think these cooler mornings cause me to want to snuggle further into my blankets each morning.  I was in that semi stage this morning when hubby reached over to see if I was still in bed or up already.  Sigh.  I just rolled over and got up.  It was 4:30AM.  I am thinking I may change my 'getting up' time to 5AM.  But then, that first hour is generally me waking up and starting to read.  Hubby sleeps most days now to 5 or 5:30AM - and that doesn't matter to me - but he fusses he doesn't get my coffee in to me. I tell him I'm a 'big girl' and can get my own coffee - but it is something he has insisted on doing for many, many years; I'm not 'allowed' to get my own coffee (2nd cup I can) as he wants to do it. Not an issue to argue over, right?

Isaiah 26:4 (NIV):  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.

Have you ever sat back and wondered if you really trusted God?  Scary thought, isn't it?  Do I trust God completely?  Do YOU trust God completely?  I will say, "Yes" I do trust God completely.  He is the Lord and I am not.  All things are in His hands, and all things that happen are by or through or allowed by Him.  There is nothing I can do to change a thing, but He can do all things.

I trust in the Lord for our finances.  I trust in the Lord for our health.  I trust in the Lord for His salvation.  I trust in Him for my life, and the lives of those I love.  There is no one like our God.  No ones loves us more than He does.  He Jehovah, God Almighty, El Shaddai, El Elyon (the God who sees me), Jehovah Jireh, my Provider, He is my all in all.  

And He is yours as well, if you will let Him.  Why not declare that the Lord, the Lord Himself, is your Rock eternal and on Him you will stand - in Him is your firm foundation.  Nothing can make you fall if you lean into, and depend up Jesus.

All praise, honor, and glory is His alone.  He does not share it with anyone or anything.  He is not 'man made' - like the idols that many worship.  People, clothes, jewelry, fame, prestige - these all fade away and are destroyed.  But Jesus..... He reigns forever and ever.

Blessings! 

A quiet interesting day...

 to a degree, anyway.  I truly enjoyed my time alone while hubby was at church.  I watched our church service online and I thought it was powerful.  It was a guest speaker, and he was very difficult to hear even through the computer at full volume.  He is in a wheelchair, with the body of about a 8 year old, head of a man.  Don't know the history.  But he is anointed, for sure.  He would speak a sentence or two, then would have to pause to get his breath.  He prophesied over a couple people as well.  Personally, I was so caught up in the message that I put down my crochet and listened intently.  At the end, (opening myself up here) I was bawling.  No, not just tears falling down my cheeks, I was bawling!  Don't know what triggered it; but it let loose.  It was freeing, to say the least, for I usually have to hold in most emotions.

I had started making deviled eggs for us when hubby came in.  I knew he had left the service early because I had only turned the computer off about 5 minutes before.  I also know hubby 'doesn't care to listen' to this man because he has difficulty hearing him.  Here I am expecting to hear "what a powerful message today!" only to hear a lot of complaining about he had difficulty hearing; he had prayed that morning for our regular pastor and instead go this one, our normal place to sit was taken so he had to sit  elsewhere and ended up behind three women who moved about a lot and spoke loudly. One spoke in tongues during prayer.  He could tell me more about the three women's actions than he could about the message.

I was shocked. I turned around to look at him and I imagine my mouth was open ad my eyes were wide.  What I expected to hear was not coming out of his mouth! Then he says 'why are you looking at me like that?'  So I told him.  I had expected him to comment it was a powerful message, etc.  Then he comes back to me with 'so I guess you are disappointed in me'.  Where does all this come from?  I just looked at him and told him what I got out of the service - and no, I wasn't disappointed IN him for 'missing it'.  I was disappointed FOR him, because he allowed his disappointment in not hearing Pastor Pat or Pastor Sharonda, having to sit in a different place, and the three women in front of him to distract his mind - that he didn't listen to what was said.  He started out angry.... and left angrier.  Does that make sense?  

I'm not sharing this to put him down.... we all have times that disappointment in things ruin the entire thing for us. I've had it happen to me; few people are immune to it.  We had further conversation about the speaking in tongues - and for a man who has taught on the Holy Spirit and has read numerous books and attended classes taught on the Holy Spirit, he seemed to not understand what He is.  That was scary for me.  How could he forget something like that?  He even asked me if it was Biblical to pray for the Holy Spirit!

Although I had cooked breakfast for him (since I didn't have to get dressed for church), he wanted lunch.  Usually if I fix breakfast we skip lunch..... but I went ahead and heated up leftovers and we ate lunch.  Then the TV came home and that is where he sat the entire afternoon and evening (except for dinner - I also had to cook dinner.  I sat on the couch doing my crochet and he sat in his chair.  Later he asked what we had gotten done ..... I just looked at him and said "I don't know what you did, but I finished up two baby blankets, made two washcloths and one dishcloth."  (at least I was productive while just sitting on the couch!)  Other than the TV in the afternoon, it was a quiet day. His behavior scares me... is it the start/continuation of the future?  Lord, please help.

Should I erase all this I have written?  I'm not sure.  It isn't a putdown... but it is something that is weighing heavy on my mind.  And my heart.  Need to do some praying over it, for sure.  I know how the message affected me, even though I couldn't hear it very well.  I'm praying hubby's ears will be opened so that he can hear clearly the Word spoken.  Anything that is out of the routine throws him off, it seems.  And I have to lean into the Lord, for I am afraid of what the future may bring.  Can I deal with it.... only with His help.  Lord, please help.

Proverbs 1:7 (NKJV):  "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.  But fools despise wisdom and instruction."

I've been listening to this book by John Bevere, The Awe of God.   In it he talks about having fear of the Lord.   It isn't being afraid of God, of what He could do to you, but having a healthy fear of God.  It's really very interesting.  In fact, John Bevere has also written a book called The Fear of the Lord and I don't remember if I read it or got it and then got sidetracked, but I think I have it on the shelf and plan to read it next.  Along with my other books. LOL  I did finish two books yesterday so am gaining on my count for the year.  Which reminds me, I need to record I finished them.  (sorry - got sidetracked!)

I know I already have lots to get done today.  One of the directors I support has left for a three week vacation - starting in Egypt.  But she left me about 16 letters to work on and make changes to. I hope I can understand her instructions.  She sent them over on Friday, but my eyes were burning (after all, it was the day after surgery and I had been staring at the computer screen) so I saw what they were and decided I needed to rest my eyes and shut the computer off about 15 minutes early.  

My eyes are doing very well.  I can actually see a bit more clearer than before.  I put on my usual distance (the old glasses) glasses I use for watching TV and it was blurry some, so watched without any.  My eyes sometimes feel like I have contacts on and I want to go take them off.  LOL  Technically, I guess I do have contacts..... they put a new lens in and took the old one out.   I still have healing to do, of course, and I don't need to go back for a month.  By then my eyes should have adjusted to everything and we  will see what adjustments will be needed in my glasses, for my vision will change.  I am still amazed at the vivd colors. I love it.  Things look so much more clearer and brighter.  I'm so glad I got it done.  

Need to jump off and get ready for the day..... hope that your day is amazing and full of...

Blessings!