Struggling internally....

 I mentioned a few days ago that I was struggling with something.  As I always do, each morning I read my Bible.  Now I have read through my bible numerous times.  Different versions, even.  I love the time I can spend reading my Bible.  And each time I read in Ephesians or Colossians or even Philippians or Galatians.... I get convicted over something.  This time it was (again) (and again), in Ephesians 5.  I really have struggled with this for some time.  

And, because I want to obey God and His Word, I am taking steps to obey what it says....even though inside I am screaming "NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!".

Ephesians 5:22-32 (NKJV):  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved he church and gave Himself for her that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Most of you know how I have had to deal with this issue for years.  My hair. The length of it.  The color has never really been an issue; it's always the length.  It was shoulder length when I married hubby.  I've let it grow out to the middle of my back (in the midst of many, many comments), and I've had it cut extremely short.  Hubby has constantly, especially in these latter years, commented on the length of my hair.  He likes it short.

Finally, after all these years, I confronted him as we came back from vacation as to 'what is it about my hair that you constantly want it cut short?'  His response?  "Because I think you look younger and more beautiful with it short.  My favorite photos of you are with short hair."  (how can I argue with that?)

His first wife had extremely short hair and I mentioned to him that every time he confronted me about the length of my hair, it made me think he wanted me to wear my hair like her.  (Ok, that might be far-fetched, but I wanted him to see how it could affect me)  He was shocked that I even thought anything like that!  He just thought I was 'more beautiful' and 'younger looking' with short hair.  

And then I read Ephesians 5 after that conversation...... and I have struggled all week about it.  I know some of my children and grandchildren don't care one way or the other.  Some are very vocal about letting me have my hair the way I want it.  But in reality, I don't know how to fix my hair when it is this long.  It is straight. My hair has always been extremely straight.  And now, it has started thinning on the top and on the sides.  The length of my hair, I'm sure, is not helping in that area.  It's probably about 6" below the shoulders.  

It was a joke the other day, and I'm just throwing this in....  my daughter commented the other day that I really needed to get my bangs cut the way they should be, that I should go see Joe, who has cut my hair for over 20 years.  I told her I didn't dare!  Joe told me NOT to get bangs as I have a really bad cowlick in the hairline and I can't keep bangs; they part.  Joe also told me NOT to color my hair.  I've done both.  She laughed and said "You are afraid of Joe!"  And I responded "Yes I am!"  LOL  

But, because I have been so convicted and I've struggled so much with this, I have decided to cut my hair.  I txt'd Joe a long note this morning and confessed the bangs and hair color and told him I'd explain when I saw him.  I doubt if I can, but I asked if I could possibly get in today between 1 and 4, as I have a 5PM hair color touch-up at Ulta today.  And, if not, one evening next week or even next Saturday morning.  I haven't heard back yet.  I'm not getting it cut 'short', but perhaps mid-neck length or even shoulder length (take off about 6 inches).  I'm compromising at this point, right?  I will eventually get back to shorter hair, I'm sure, but for now, I need the bulk off and the ability to do something with it.  And I will discuss with Joe about the color.  I may have a complete 'do-over' before this is all said and done.  I do want to go lighter as I think this dark brown is too dark for my skin tone now, although in my younger years, my hair was so dark people thought it was black.  

I was even rationalizing it with God this morning.... "if Joe can get me in today, I'll get it cut.  But if he can't, then I don't have to, right?"  LOL  You can't bargain with God.  It's either 'all in' or not at all.  You can't put a toe in the water and expect it to remain dry because the rest of your body is.  

I want to be 'all in' for Jesus.  And that means obedience to His Word.  It isn't that hubby is demanding I cut my hair short.  He never has 'demanded' it.  But he has frequently (to my dismay) voiced his opinion on it being short.  But he never really had told me why, until I actually asked him on our way back from Payson.  What was the why.... and now I know.

And last night, as I was visiting Ms. Diane, I talked with her about it and my anguish (it is really just my stubbornness to not give in to him!!) and pulled my hair up and away from my neck.  I showed her photos of when my hair was shorter, and I asked her opinion.  And she gave it.  Her response?  "Cut it".  So there you have it.  I have an unbiased opinion of someone who, although she does have short hair, is thinking how I look, and not encourage me to stand up to hubby's desire for me to have short hair.

Whew - this is a long one - and it's all about me and my hair!  Still waiting to hear back from Joe.  Hubby has a hair cut appointment with him today around 11-ish and I've pleaded with Joe not to mention any of this to hubby when he sees him.  I trust him.  Besides, hubby would tell me, for sure in some way, if he does tell.

Bottom line, it's all about Jesus and being obedient to Him in ALL things.  Do I still slip up?  Yeah. I'm not perfect by any means.  But I love Jesus more than my life.  My hair is just hair, and God can make it grow - or fall out.  I'm in His hands, which is where I always want to be.

Blessings!

I'm not sure what to think....

 I left early to get my hair done yesterday.... and although it looked acceptable after he styled it and I came home, once I got home and saw how much he had cut off in the back, I'm not liking it so much.  Yes, I have less hair to deal with, but I'm just not sure I like it.  And I remembered how I didn't like the layered cut a couple cuts ago.  Sigh.  I showed him 4-5 photos of hair styles from Pinterest and I thought he understood what I was looking for.  I'm sure its ok, and I just need to learn how to style it myself, but by last night, I wasn't liking it so much.  This morning hasn't changed that thought much.  But - "it is what it is" and I got what I asked for.... so maybe it is just me.  Maybe it is my wrinkled face that makes it look so out of place on my head.  Sigh.  Nothing I can do about that face!

Once back home I jumped on the work computer since I had taken off early.  I was able to get rid of two very big meetings, for which I am grateful.  I had a response that I needed so I ran with it and luckily my male boss was still working (it was his meeting), and I could tell him someone took the spot I had given to the outside company to meet with them.  I'm happy to say he told me to tell the other meeting organizer to move their meeting so that I could have that spot.  And I did.  I think they have already moved it.  YAY!

My head is hurting this morning so I've already taken an ibuprofen.  I wasn't going to take one for my body aches - lol - those 'booty thrusts' my trainer made me do the other day has caused my 'glutes' to hurt and it's hard to get up and down - but I can push through that.  I think it is the weather that is rolling in for the weekend.  I heard Tucson was to get his pretty bad again last night. Need to check in on the granddaughter later.  

My oldest son and his wife are heading out of state today.  I've already spent time praying over their travel there, the vehicle they will get, the travel to the location they are going to, and even their return flight! And I will continue to pray over them while they are gone.  I don't like any of my children being so far away.  I think I can feel somewhat of that my mother felt when I was the only child who moved out of state.  I won't say I was her favorite, for I wasn't that I know of.  I'll let all the others claim that role.  I knew that mother and I loved each other, and that is all that matters.  I didn't need to be the favorite.  

I argued with myself on the way home from the 'beauty' shop about dinner.  I really didn't want to cook, but then I thought about how often we have gone out lately and told myself we need to cut back.  (Even hubby was complaining yesterday about how much he has been spending going out to eat with his friends!)  We had gone out for pizza the night before.  Thought about picking up a bucket of chicken from El Pollo Loco or KFC... but I drove on home and fixed the chicken I had thawed out earlier in the day and seasoned and put in the airfryer, cooked spaghetti and put marinara sauce on top of it, and heated up a can of progresso split pea soup.  That was our dinner and it was filling.  And it didn't take much preparation either.  I think I have just gotten lazy.  I love to cook. I want to cook. I just need to get my heart wanting to create again.  

I wonder if my granddaughter nearby has made sourdough bread this week.  She gave us a 1/2 loaf (cause that is all I asked for) last week, and I finished it off yesterday.  Her sourdough bread is so good and when you toast it - oh yum.  

I worked on the message for Sunday after dinner last night.  Got it finished. I need to make a decision on the songs now and let Pastor Don know for he has offered to find music to play on his phone via soundbar. Or vice versa.  I try to find the hymns that most will know; luckily I have a couple hymnals that I can flip through.  I've got communion this week as well so I need to pull that together.  It's all good. I do my part and then I step back and let God do His.  It's His service anyway.

I don't know about you, but I am so grateful for a loving, kind, grace-giving, and merciful God who loves me so much, that when I do something bad, or stupid, or just even without thinking about consequences, when I seek His face and ask His forgiveness, He extends grace.  Receiving His grace when I seek forgiveness - sincerely - does not mean that I can sin any time I want to and know that I will receive His grace.  Nor does it mean it for you.

Romans 6:1-2 (NKJV): What shall we say then? Should we continue in sin so that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?

God's grace is free; all we need to do is ask for forgiveness, and His grace flows over us. You will find the burdens of sin that you carry on your shoulders will completely disappear.  Yes, we have to deal with the consequences of our sin(s), but God is faithful to walk with us through the fire, and not leave us in it.  I am so grateful for His forgiveness, for His love, for His grace.  His wonderful, abiding, faithful, consuming grace.  Hallelujah!

When confronted by people in sin (for example, when the Jews would throw an adulterous woman at Jesus and tell Him she needs to be stoned according to the law), remember what Jesus did that one time? He squatted down and wrote in the dirt.  We don't know what He wrote, but do you think He might have been listing the sins of the men who were pointing their fingers at this woman?  Jesus tells them that 'who is without sin, could cast the first stone'.  He continued to write in the dirt. Eventually he looked up and saw only the woman. He asked her where her accusers were.  They had all left, each without throwing that first stone.  And Jesus tells her, "Go, and sin no more."

And that is what He tells us.  We are forgiven, and we are to 'go and sin no more'.  Let that be in our minds and hearts today, that as we go through this day, our thoughts are on Jesus, and not on the worldly things that convict and tempt us.  Jesus is Lord of ALL.  Seek Him, Find Him, Know Him.  He is Lord.

Blessings!

It was a good road trip!

 We went to Coco's for breakfast and I bought a dutch apple pie to take down with us.  I drove.  It was an easy trip and highway nearly all the way.  We walked in and I think the women remembered me - or they are overly friendly to all who walk in. LOL Yeah, that's probably it.  Anyway, we first asked for th restroom key cause hubby needed to use it in a hurry.  Sent him on his way.  When they were finished with customers, I put the pie on the counter (along with some of the no-bake cookies) and told who I was and I was there to pick up my glasses.  As a 'thank you', I brought the pie and cookies.  Of course, both of the women said I didn't need to do that, but they appreciated it.  We decided that instead of turning around and leaving right away, we'd walk around for a bit since we had been sitting for over an hour in the car.  We did walk around.  And when I suggested we leave, hubby suggested we go through a couple more rows. He liked this place.  He ended up getting a t-shirt and hat he liked.... and I picked up a few things - some strawberry rhubarb jam (for hubby) and pure maple syrup (for some recipes I want to make), a couple small vases, and you won't believe what I found!  I have seen these before but had forgotten about them. It is a small one, but it will work.  It is a nut breaker.  It's a small jar with a metal lid, and on top of the lid is a gadget with sharp pieces of metal (I can't think how to explain it), that you drop the nuts inside that metal container and turn the handle and the nuts are broken up.  Long way to explain it, but you get the gist, right?  I usually take a long sharp knife and a cutting board to cut the nuts on - will see how this works when I need to.  After walking around for over an hour, we headed back home and got home in fairly good time.  

I did go see Ms. Vicky yesterday and she was happy. Said she had been lonely. She had also fallen yesterday morning and was still in some bruised pain.  She had fallen in the shower and luckily her roommate eventually heard her yelling for help and helped her get up.  I probably need to try to go see Ms. Diane today sometime.

But first, I need to get moving soon and get in the shower and ready for church. I will be honest to admit that I had been hoping that hubby would say he didn't want to go today.  He kept me awake most of the night with his tossing and turning. And, after all, he didn't go last week as I wasn't home, and he said he had a slight headache and queasy tummy last week. And he may have. I just think he didn't want to go without me. He did drive over there and drop off the school supplies I had bought, but then turned around and left.  We really do need to find a place that we can call 'home' and hear from God.  I've been struggling this morning and asking God is this telling us we need to leave?  It took us two years to leave from a former church; I used every excuse I could come up with to stay, but it came to the point that God made sure we would leave; we did.  It feels like we have been searching ever since.  Where does God want us to go?  I don't know, but I long for a place where we feel His Presence and learn about Him and can feel like we are 'home'. 

Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV):  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I think of this verse often for it feels like how I feel a lot of times.  I haven't 'made it' yet.  I'm not totally 'on my way' yet, but sometimes we need to let go of the things we hold on to and look to what is ahead of us, because there is a goal set for us in Christ Jesus.

I think of it in church terms because that is the troubling I feel.  We don't want to be 'church hoppers'.  We want to find a church that preaches Jesus and the Bible; and truly worships each week and doesn't put on a performance.  Ten times through the same chorus is too much!  45 minutes to sing three or four songs is too much.  I feel I just 'shut down' when that happens.  I may be caught up in worship in the beginning, but by the time we repeat and repeat and repeat.... I can't do it. I shut down.  Why is that?  A place where when the pastor preaches the people of that culture doesn't yell and scream during the message. (oh yes, it happens, and I think the preaching is punctuated as such to get that response. Is it a builder-upper?). 

I remember when we were going up north and the pastor would be preaching and occasionally would throw in a 'yahoo!' - it would irritate me because the point he was making was good, but when he made the 'yahoo', I lost the entire message in my mind.  Am I just being weird?  Am I just too set in my ways from 30 years at the same church and growing and learning all that time?  I'm really struggling and I keep asking God if He is trying to make it plain to us by our uncomfortable feeling that we need to leave?  And if so, where does He want us to go?  Oh it is a struggle.  Yes, I think I could just stay home and watch Dr. David Jeremiah or Jentezen Frankling, or even Ashley Woodard on the computer on Sundays and get a lot of out of the messages.  But we would not be in community or in fellowship.  

I will be so glad when November comes and the RV preaching starts.  I will be very busy this year and we won't be going to our church much as some months I speak 2-3 times a month!  Would they even miss us?  In a couple churches past, they would ask for the dates we would be gone so that they could pray for us if we were speaking.  I miss the connection and the love that was shown.  Yes, they know I speak of the RV parks over the winter months, but it's like 'they are small and are of no real value, it's not a real church, so what a blessing you are to preach to them'... it is attitude, I think. Not that I am anyone special, for I am definitely not.  But we love the people at the RV parks; especially the one here in town that I speak at the most, and they include us and love us and want to share life with us when we are together.

So what I do, (and should/must do) is let go of what is behind me, and look to what God has for us in the future.  Being patient is not one of my virtues and it is hard. But I keep asking God, "where do You want us to go; what do You want us to do?"  I want to be putty in His hands.  I'm getting older, yes, and soon will be ending yet another year.  But I know that God isn't through with me and I know that He has plans for me.  But what and where and how and when....He just hasn't revealed yet.  Whether we haven't seen it yet, or refuse to look for it.... I pray that He will reveal His plans and purposes for us soon. It is painful to be in this waiting period.  And it's definitely not fun.

And enough of my ramblings this morning.... need to jump in the shower soon. Hope that your day is amazing!

Blessings!

Loving the long weekend...

 I think I really needed this 4 day weekend, although I have seen I have 25 messages waiting for me. I realize I forgot to put an 'out of office' on my emails, forgetting that other companies are not always closed just because we are.  Getting the day after July 4th is totally unusual.  I think it is more that it landed on a Thursday and a lot of people wanted the next day off as well.  I don't know, but I enjoyed it.  With my male boss off Monday still, I can easily get these emails done.  I saw that some are responses from other admins for meetings at other companies I had sent to.  They will still be there tomorrow, right?

Yesterday, I spent the morning at Panera with my friends from Needles of Hope.  It was fun meeting at a different place - and good coffee - and I bought scones.  The others got sandwiches, but I resisted.  This time.  We may meet there next month too - and I may not be so resistant to a sandwich.  Actually, I wasn't resistant.... I love scones and saw them and that's what I wanted. ;-)  Other than that, I could have gone shopping, but talked myself out of it.  I came home. No, I didn't, although hubby told me to.  I did have a light headache, bad enough I took an ibuprofen for it.  I didn't read... I did work some on the diamond art project I have, and I crochet'd.  Hubby had the TV on to a movie when I got home so I finished watching it with him.  Worked on the diamond art project I have and then didn't do a lot of other things.  I did cook dinner.  Another lazy day.

And today is Sunday and many churches are doing the 'At the movies' things they like to do in July the past several years.  I don't care for it.  Why?  Because I don't go to movies (as a rule), and I don't watch the kind of movies that they pull their message from.  If you think about it, EVERY movie can have something that you can pull out of it and turn it to Jesus.  Well, most.  I don't watch those movies and they mean nothing to me.  I remember one year a former pastor at another church we attended shared a movie (I forget which one), showed some violent parts in it; language was blocked, of course, and he makes the comment, I'm not recommending you go watch this movie, but if you do.... you can see....  Yeah.  No. I didn't get it nor did I watch it.  Why would you show such a movie (and why were you watching it in the first place?) to the congregation?  I've been checking and I don't think our church is doing it, for which I am grateful.  I know a couple other churches are as I have seen their advertisements for 'at the movies'.  Even my favorite, Jentezen Franklin is doing it.  No, I'm not watching him this morning.  However, he did send emails out to watch the service on You Tube, which he has a message on.  With them being movies, and copyright issues they cannot show the movie pieces for all to see.  I'm still not watching it live.  Just don't want to.  And that's ok.

No matter how hard I try to sleep late when I don't 'have' to get up early, I still awaken early.  This morning it was after 3AM when I awoke... I tossed and turned until nearly 4AM, hoping to go back to sleep, but couldn't.  Finally got up and came in here. Hubby got up about an hour later to bring me my coffee.  Yeah, he still does that every morning.  Yes, I can do it myself, but it's easier to let him than him getting out of shape.  HE BREWS - right?

Something in one of my devotionals this morning spoke to me (as they usually do).  A prayer life that hears and speaks but doesn't do is dull and lifeless.  Joyful Christian living is discovered only in the meadows of obedience.

Luke 6:46 (NKJV):  But why do you all Me "Lord, Lord" and not do the things which I say?

James 1:22 (NKJV):  But be doers of the Word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.

When God calls us (you and me) to do something we can't do, we are being drawn into an adventure. Think about it.  Sometimes we don't realize - or know - that God is calling us to do something, because we don't have a close relationship with Him.  We don't realize it is God wanting us to do something, it is just a feeling 'I should do that'.  Right?  It could be anything.  

The thought that comes to mind is for the spouse to just get up and wash dishes, or clean a room. Not that they have been asked, but because it needed to be done and you feel "I can do that".  Sometimes it is God nudging you to do something.  As a rule, the other spouse will be grateful and appreciative that someone stepped out of their own self to help them.  I probably have said that all wrong.  As I was typing it, I was thinking of my own household.  I do the working and the cooking, and hubby is supposed to do all the cleaning.  But over the years, laziness has set in.  We now have house cleaners that come once a month to clean.  Hubby has not had the sweeper out in three years.  May as well give it to Savers.  He doesn't dust.  He doesn't even clean his toilet.  (Yes, I do clean mine!)  He has quit over the years volunteering to fix a meal for us.  Unless he can heat something up in the microwave.  Sometimes. He will get my glass of water.  (I'm not putting hubby down, just telling it like it is).  After cooking, I generally go ahead and clean my pans and cooking dishes as I go.  Why? Because hubby doesn't like cleaning the pans and will leave them sit in the sink with water in them to 'soak'.  They don't need soaking; they wipe clean.  So I usually just go ahead and wipe them out and put them away; saves my pans, saves my attitude, saves arguments.  

Now why did that come to mind when I was talking about being obedient?  I could say it could be that we sometimes think we could do that (a God thought), but we will turn away and go "Naw, I don't want to do that."  Isn't that what we do?  I could say that with my sewing.  I have several projects I want to do; I have the material.  I obviously have time to sit and watch movies or crochet and could also have the time to get some sewing done.... but I don't.  But I need to.  And I should.  After all, Christmas will be here in 171 days (you needed to know that, right?) and I know no one wants any knitted or crochet items from me/us this year.  I'm not that good at it anyway.  I say "Naw, I don't want to do that."  

Do we listen to what God is telling us - and if we HEAR Him, are we obedient?  I know I have really messed up on my examples. No excuses, just not really thinking this morning.  But I hope you get the jest of what I'm saying.  Sometimes when we 'feel' something, it is really the Holy Spirit putting that thought into your mind.  Call someone?  Act on it.  Write a note?  Sit down and do it.  Be obedient to what you 'hear' in your spirit, for it just may be God speaking to your heart.

Blessings!