I have done a lot of anguished moaning and groaning in here over the years. If you have read this on a fairly regular basis, you probably know me better than most people. Hopefully, it's not as a whiner or complainer, but I know I have done my share of that as well. I'm sorry. This morning as I read through a devotional, something was 'revealed' to me. I'm sure I've read it before and just 'blew it off' as something I didn't want to hear. It has been a thorn in my side for years. And whether my thoughts were right or wrong about it, the end result is still what God wanted for me. What am I talking about?
When I felt God was leading me into ministry, my dream was being on staff at a church, teaching and sharing Jesus with others, helping them find their own personal relationship with Him. The more my heart longed for it, the more the doors shut. Hubby declared he was being called into ministry. I can still remember when he went before the church board and they asked him what area did he feel called to. Now mind you, I had been in the licensing process for a few years. I was still learning how to do things, still being mentored, and well, just learning. I was being 'groomed' for Pastor of Discipleship or Pastor of Prayer. Both were my heart's leaning. Small groups had also been mentioned. When hubby stepped up for the licensing process, when he left the house, he was saying Men's Ministry was where he was being directed. When he came back home, he had told the board that it was Small Group ministry. From that moment on, I felt I 'lost' who I was to be. And it hurt. Every time there was a minister's meeting, he got to go with me, whereas before he did not. But he was in the licensing process so yes, he could attend 'with me'. Did you pick up on that? Everything thing I did, he got to do as well. I felt I lost myself, pushed off to the side. Does that make sense?
I'm opening myself up here - and I will admit most is just my imagination - but I need to get to where I'm going with this. During the licensing process, 'we' were asked to speak every other Sunday at a behavioral health skilled nursing facility, which we did for two years. Those were a lot of interesting people! A friend set us up with the RV Park north of town. We started going there to 'preach' one Sunday each during the Nov-Mar season. A year later the RV park here in town called and asked for our resume to see if we could speak there. We supplied it, and they brought us in for each of us to do a couple times during the season.
During this time we did try out for one church - but hubby wanted to be the 'Senior Pastor' and me his associate. Everything we were to do, was he had to be the head. That board of the church voted on us, and when the board member called me, I guess you could say he put this thought in motion in my head. He said, "We would like you to be the senior pastor, but since your husband wants to be the lead, we are turning you both down." Now you can interpret that any way you want to. All I saw was that my dream of being a pastor (I didn't even WANT to be senior pastor, just an associate) fall through the cracks. I never told hubby what he said; only that we were turned down. I was wanting to quit my job and just work for Jesus; that was my dream.
Unfortunately, that isn't the way it has turned out. We were ordained together. We go to the RV Parks together where for several years each of us had a few times to speak. Up north we had one a piece. Here in town maybe two a piece. Hubby would always 'tease' with them about giving 'us' more opportunities. And he often shared comments people made after he spoke. I never wanted to get 'puffed up' about the compliments so just would say 'thank you' and leave it at that.
I'm getting to the point, trust me. I just wanted to share how all this lead up to the point I want to confess today. The RV Park in town started giving me more opportunities to speak, but only one or two for hubby. A couple years ago hubby decided he wasn't going to do it anymore. He 'retired' and he wanted to focus on his men's groups that he is involved with. Suddenly, the RV Park here in town started giving me at least one a month if not twice a month to speak. The RV Park up north still just gave two - they have ministers that live in the park that fill in as well. And that's ok.
Ok - let's get to the point I'm trying to make. All of this stuff - much of which I still have not shared here - have caused me much pain, for I felt my dream of serving God full time was taken from me. Was stolen from me. I have always been the security blanket for our family; I am the one who had a secure job and brought in the money. That has never changed. And sometimes I will admit, I resent having to continue to work because of other people.
And today I read in my devotional something I knew, but refused to focus on. If I was to be a minister at a church, nothing my husband or anyone else did could have prevented that from happening, if it was God's intention for me to do that. Those are my words, but bottom line, if that was what God wanted me to do - quit my job and work full time in ministry - nothing could have interfered with that. I knew it, but refused to accept it. Why wouldn't God want me to be in full-time ministry. Is it my past? Is it the present? Is it the future? Am I so bad that I couldn't serve Him? None of that. It just wasn't God's desire or will for me to lead a church. But it is His will that I serve wherever He leads, and right now that is at the RV Parks. My husband didn't stand in my way of serving. It made me feel like he did, but it wasn't him. It was God. It doesn't mean I'm not capable. It doesn't mean that I don't have that ability. I have learned a lot over the years and I still have a great mentor should opportunities arise, he would walk with me and help me jump the hurdles. But it isn't for me.
And at the stage of life I am at now, preaching at the RV Parks is perfect. I would love to get a small Bible study going as well, and we tried to do that at our last church, but it fell through a couple years ago. I'm still serving Jesus. I'm still telling others about him. And, I have reconciled to the fact that I am right where God wants me. Yes, I'm still working, and it gives me the freedom to enjoy what I do. Some day I will be able to retire and perhaps do more things that I want to do. But for now, I am grateful for what God has orchestrated for me. He can use me any way He wants. Who knows what the future holds - I know that I don't. But I know who holds my future.
Joshua 1:9 (NIV): Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
So grateful that we serve a God who loves us enough to guide and direct our path, even when we dream and hope for something different. Life may not be what we had dreamed it would be, but when we allow God to be in the Lead, we will always be where He wants us to be.
Blessings!
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