Yep, I came back to the back room again this morning - and believe it or not - hubby questioned me on why I came back here! And why did I? Because it has less distractions! I chose to go to the desk because it is so easy to fall back to sleep in here. My recliner is comfortable (even hubby comes in when I'm working to sit in it to talk to me about his stuff and comments it's comfortable) and so easy to relax in. But when I sit at the desk, which is just on the other side of the kitchen 'window', I can hear hubby in the kitchen, I can see him and he can see me. The noise is distracting. I think I'm coming back in here permanently. I actually think that because I moved the bookcase on the left of the chair instead of the right, that I feel like it isn't so cluttered, but more open. Remember my whining about it feeling so cluttered? The chair is more centered in the corner now and, well, it just feels more open. And I have my space, and that makes me happy. Best way to start the day - me being happy, right?
Yesterday was our Ladies Heart Crew (which is what they call the women's group) and there were seven of us who gave their testimonies. Lucky me, (not), I got to be the first one. It was hard to share; I've kept that part of my life hidden for so long. But I did get a note from our pastor's wife last night that my testimony touched a lot of women. So that is good. It was interesting that the seven of us women - we each had a different testimony. One was from witchcraft, one from an abusive marriage, one from addictions, one from an alcoholic spouse, one from a wild lifestyle that became abusive, one from being a teen mom, and me... an abusive childhood and a lifestyle that I am ashamed of after my divorce until I remarried. We had to choose negative words to describe from what we came from - abuse, rejection - to what Jesus did for us - He redeemed me. He forgave my past and He set me free from who I was. Hallelujah.
Hubby poked his head in here a bit ago and asked to use my shower. Of course he can... but why? He said the handle broke on his shower. Guess that means a text to the son-in-law to come fix it. No rush; hubby can use my shower in the meantime.
I was reading in the book of John this morning and something clicked. Now, I have read my Bible all the way through, including John, several times over the past 40 years since I became a Christian. (wow, that is a long time - but we celebrate our 41st anniversary this year!) But this morning, something kind of clicked. I guess in my own insecurity I tend to compare myself at times to others - even to hubby. You know how I have struggled over the years to be ME. I have to kind of smile at that statement. I know exactly when it started..... it was at our marriage rehearsal.
I had fought / and have fought for so long to be ME. At our wedding rehearsal, we were told about the candles and what it meant. Now I probably could have gone along with it (although inside I still didn't want to get married) had it not been for this. The pastor was discussing the candle lighting. The two single candles are lit. We were to each take our candle and light the big one together. I'm good with that. Then hubby wanted us to blow out our individual candle so that we only had the one 'together' candle lit. To me, what I felt was 'let's snuff out your life individually, so that you are bound to me only'. Does that make sense? I know, it's probably only silly thoughts on my part. We could have left the individual candles lit as well as the together candle. We could still be two individual people together. But no, he insisted - demanded in my thinking - that I blow out my candle. And because my mother had always told me the man was the head of the house and what he said was law... I blew out my life; my individuality. And I have been fighting for the past 41 years to be me. Does any of that make sense? Silly, isn't it... I just want to live. And although I am 'allowed' to do things; many things I am not. Unless he goes with me. Or is involved with me. Which moves into another topic altogether and I'm not going there. Anyway - in John this morning, it talked about comparison.
John 3:26 (NKJV): "And they came to John and said to him, "Rabbi, He who was with you beyond the Jordan, to whom you have testified - Behold, He is baptizing, and all are coming to Him!"
Every believer is uniquely gifted and called by God. This truth should end all unhealthy comparisons with others. BOOM! There is that word. Comparison. After years of growing up in an abusive household, and being told I am worthless, stupid, and am only good enough to get married and have children..... I know I do compare myself to others. I was even comparing my testimony to the others yesterday - but it only proved one thing! We are all different. We all came from different backgrounds. We all are individuals.
Years ago women were considered property of the man. (In some countries it is still that way) First her father, then the man he gave her to. Women were not allowed to have a voice. Women were not allowed to be successful. I still remember the huge fight that happened when I got a raise (years ago) and it brought my salary to more than hubby's was. How dare I get paid more! Obviously now that isn't an issue. Not cutting anyone down... but again... comparison.
If we are equal.... should it matter who makes the most money? If we are equal, shouldn't we cheer the other on in their successes and stand beisde them and encourage them and help them succeed? Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be? If we are equal, isn't it ok to take a step back and allow someone else to be honored? I guess it depends if it is a man or a woman, even yet today. Although, I do know couples who put each other before themselves. They truly have a good marriage; one that is not self-seeking or self-centered. And that is what we all need to strive to do.
Put others before ourselves, whether it is our spouse, our child, or even a friend at times. As long as it is a good thing, celebrate their successes; encourage them. Be their biggest cheerleader. Life is hard sometimes and we all need that pat on the back to say 'good job'! We all seek value. When we don't get value, or appreciation, many times we turn to other things to satisfy that longing for approval. I know. I've been there.
I have sense learned that I need no one's approval but God's. I am who He says I am. I am His. I am a royal Princess; a child of the King who loves me beyond measure.
And He loves you too. For many of you, He is waiting for you to come back to Him, to let Him love and encourage you. But we have to let go of some things to have Him. He is waiting for you - and for me - to lay things down and turn to Him. He is our strength, our encourager, our hope. Seek Him. You will find Him. And your life will never be the same.
Blessings!
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