In our last group study in this book we have been going through, it was asked that we have words of affirmation to share with each other. I really struggled with words because several of these people I do not know very well at all as they came in to this group late. But, I did manage to have a word for each one. And then we didn't go around the room. In fact, we didn't review that last day at all. But, as our group got started, one of the women, whom I mentioned before who runs 20 rabbit trails before getting to what she wants to say.... did something.
She started with "I just want to do something...." and then went on to say but she knew she wouldn't have time, then this happened and that happened, and then she took the day off and realized she did have time.. yeah, you get it, right? Anyway, she made bookmarks for each of us, and on the back of each book mark she wrote three words that she said came to her mind when she thought of each of us. When she handed Tom his bookmark, I can't remember what two of the words were, but the first word was 'teachable', which I found interesting and wondered how he took it. We haven't discussed it.
When she started to hand me my bookmark, she had to tell the story that when she put a certain ribbon in my bookmark, it ripped the end and she had to hurry and make me another one, and then she handed it to me after she read the words she wrote on the back which were the affirmations she felt God gave her for me. Interesting.
Resilient - Loving - Compassionate. The word that surprised me is Resilient. I thought maybe the definition I had in my mind was wrong, so before I started this page, I looked it up in the dictionary, and no, I wasn't wrong. It's standing up and not letting things knock you down. It's standing firm in the midst of whatever comes at one. Tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. I had not ever thought I was resilient, but yes, I think that is a good word for me, don't you? You have a lot from me over these years of this blog, so I ask you the question.... do you think I am resilient? Loving and Compassionate, yes, I think I am that. I love a lot of unlovable people as well as those who are easy to love. My heart is touched in certain circumstances and I feel that I am compassionate. But resilient was an interesting word to describe me.
Towards the end of group we began to talk about baptism. Everyone implied they were baptized at some point in their life. Then our pastor's wife, who is in our study, mentioned that she had been baptized at 7 or 8 and feels she would like to be baptized again because she knows so much more now and has been through a lot of more now and it is more meaningful. By the time the discussion was coming to a close, there were about 5 of us women and one of the men who were saying the same thing. Personally, I was baptized at age 14, but I don't remember much about it. I didn't even have my own Bible until I graduated high school and was given one with my name engraved on it from the church as a graduation gift. I don't think I have ever read it. I never had that example to follow. I was never taught to read the Bible. It was a Bible; something to lay on a coffee table. I made a real mess of my life, and although I know that I have received God's grace, covered in the blood of Jesus and forgiven, I've always wanted to be baptized again Wash off the old and receive the new. One time I asked one of our pastors about it and mentioned I'd like to be baptized again.... his comment to me was, "Naw, you're good. You've been baptized once so you're good." I was disappointed. He had no idea what my life had been like before or after that baptism at age 14. I rarely mentioned it after that. But if our pastor's wife can do it, so can I! Not sure when it would happen, but I understand they do them after service one Sunday a month - we've never seen it done so don't know if no one has stepped up to be baptized or what. Will see where it goes from here, but I hope they do it on a Sunday we are there, since we are heading into our preaching months.
Hubby surprised me last night by voicing in front of everyone a prayer request that is quite personal. He had even instructed me not to share it with anyone. I'm pretty sure I've alluded to something wrong, but never came out and said what the problem was. But since he verbally shared his request, I can put it on here. About 3 months or so ago he found that his PSA count had gone up about 2 points, I think it was. Not only that, but his prostrate has swollen. He has gone for cat scans, and MRIs. He went to the doctor the other day and was told that it isn't cancerous (but could be pre-cancerous), and they found nothing in his bones or abdomen that would imply something was going on. There is a shot he can take which will have some minor side effects, and it would reduce the swelling, but he opted out of the shot right now - because of the side effects. He is to go back to the doctor in six months and have these tests again. They want to see if the PSA goes up more or if there is still swelling, or more of it and will have to make the decision on getting the shot to reduce the swelling. He is very much afraid of getting cancer and being sick. He always has been. Unfortunately, that fear comes out of him in disturbing ways sometimes... he gets angry easily (more so that before), he gets defensive about everything. There are other things to, but some are just worse then they have been. I try to understand his fear and get him to see that he is letting that fear control him, when he doesn't need to. Not always successful.
I John 4:4 (NKJV): "You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."
I truly believe that Who lives inside of us is greater than the one who roams the world, seeking those whom he may devour. When we have Jesus living in us, we have nothing to be afraid of. I know that hubby knows that..... but he has been afraid of things for years.... he just hasn't been able to let go of that fear of losing me, losing family, getting sick, things going wrong... he has always had that fear, and it has also made family and friends back away from him at times. He becomes possessive and has to hang on to things he values because he is so afraid of losing them. It doesn't mean he doesn't love Jesus; but fear has gotten a foothold and until he relinquishes that fear, he will continue to be afraid and miserable. He feels unloved and unwanted, I think.... based on all the questions he hits me with nearly daily. Most time I have no answers. He loves me being home and working, for then he can keep an eye on me, and he isn't alone. But it's ok if he has something to do. It's being home alone that he doesn't like.
We continue to pray that the swelling will go down as well as the PSA count. No matter what, I trust in God and what His plans are. Hubby doesn't understand why I don't act more concerned, but all I can tell him is that when I give it to God completely to take care of, I take my hands off the situation. I can't make him well. Only God can - whether through a miracle or through the doctors.
When I do my part - and pray - then I leave it up to God to do His part - and His ways are so much better than mine. It doesn't mean I stop praying.... I still pray for healing for hubby, for my prodigal children and grandchildren, for my job, my health, other things.... but I believe that when I ask God to take over, I am to take my fears and worries out of the request and trust Him for the outcome - no matter what it is.
I've lived too long in God's grace to allow fear to overwhelm me of the 'what ifs'. I refuse to live in fear.
No matter what you are going through, or will go through, for everyone has something difficult to go through at some point - or many points in their life - when you pray and give it to God, you must also trust Him for the outcome, no matter what.
It's when we cry "Lord, Help!" And then we wait for His answer.
Blessings!
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