What is hope anyway? I don't want to stop and look up a true definition for it this morning, but I am thinking a definition would be something like..... wanting something but have nothing to get it with. Does that make sense? No matter.
We had a good and bad weekend. Being together 24x7 is starting to rear its head again and after 7 months of it, I have grown very weary. I will admit that I am jealous that hubby can go to his 'men's breakfasts' or 'men's meetings' every week and get out and see people. Or just go somewhere. And I have to sit at home during the week behind a computer. Accountable. I often push on the want to retire button, but then what? We would have no money to do anything with, with Sheeba we cannot go anywhere unless we board her, which costs money. So I shrug and keep working. And keep hoping that things will change.
I am able to do something this week that I normally do not do. One of my big bosses is on vacation this week so I have scheduled a lunch with an old friend to celebrate her birthday. I know I will be gone longer than an hour, and although neither of my bosses would really care, I am very aware I would be taking longer. I put in more than 40 hours a week so it doesn't really matter. And it really isn't a big deal. My taking extra for lunch, that is. It at least gives me something to look forward to. And I know I can hope for good conversation and good friendship for a long time to come.
I had an odd dream last night and I can only remember a part of it... still don't understand it... but I woke up with the chorus "even when I don't see Him, He's working, even when I don't feel Him, He's working, He never stops, He never stops working, He never stops, He never stops working." And seeing that song in my heart and mind as I woke up means so much to me. It's a reminder of the hope that I have in the things of life. God is always at work. He never slumbers, but is always at work, answering prayers, working miracles, restoring relationships, building marriages. He is always at work, and never stops just because I give up hope, He never stops working.
I gave thought to giving up yesterday. It was an especially tough day - and yet it wasn't as tough as some. Yes, we got on each other's nerves, but I recognize that part of it is my fear of the unknown, and hubby's fear of his own unknown. We get frustrated at the simple things. But I'm sorry, if he asks me in one of the frustrating moments if I think he is stupid, I am going to answer truthfully and say yes. How many times am I asked the same question about that stupid phone? I can't help it if things don't come up the way he thinks it should. Don't ask me a question and expect a dishonest answer. Yes, I got over the issue but he will bring it up again...and again... if he remembers. But I hope for better days.
I was asked again yesterday "what are we going to do with Sheeba?" I don't know what the true answer will be on that one. For now, I just say we will do what we can and take her to the dog park to run. She's always in the way. She likes to jump on me (and at over 100 pounds is quite heavy, even when I'm sitting down) and is like a shadow.....a big shadow. Since she caused me to hurt my foot, it has become more of an issue because I haven't been walking. It's interesting that my toes are still quite sore and if I try to bend my big toe I about come up out of the chair. The blue is nearly gone from the big toe and it is interesting that the blue has now come up over the middle toes. And they aren't sore. I am hoping the toes will heal and the pain will go away. I enjoy walking and even around the house sometimes it is too much effort to limp to another room. Unless it's the bathroom, and I make that effort. :-) She is still just a big puppy. I can hope as she ages she will calm down.
We went for massages on Saturday and it must have been exactly what I needed for I slept through the night all the way to almost 6AM - almost unheard up anymore. I slept 8 or 9 hours. Whether it was exhaustion from life, (certainly not from exercise) or relaxation from the massage, it was enough to allow my body to rest. I can only hope for those nights to happen again. Last night I was awake two hours after going to bed and struggled to get back to sleep and was awakened by my alarm at 4AM. I didn't want to get up, but I had a song in my head and knew I had to get up.
What is the reason for my hope? It's not in the things that I 'hope' for. Peace, Love, Kindness, Gentleness, Self-Control, Joy, Goodness, Faithfulness.... (yeah, they are out of order)... but this is where my hope comes from. You can find it in - of all places - Job 19:25-27.
"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on the earth; and after my skin is destroyed, this I know, that in my flesh I shall see God. Whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"
I pray that, today, you will find the HOPE that you are searching for, the HOPE that you long for, the HOPE that is there for you. What are you placing your hope in?
Blessings!
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