All you need is ..... Love...

 I love reading books, as you know, and I love reading books to help me change, to help me look at my life from a different perspective.  I love books - and seemingly can't get enough of them.  I love the physical books more than the kindle books, but I have several of those as well.  I think I have shared one that of the few that I am currently reading and last night I read a chapter in this one that really opened my eyes to something.  You may find it surprising, or you may say to yourself 'I knew that about her'.  Sometimes we don't want to know it for it grieves us inside to hear it.  So if you know it, keep it to yourself, please.  God already knows and He has already revealed me  - to me.

I don't (always) love everyone.  I want to, don't get me wrong.  I forgive and move on after someone has hurt me.  I (try not to) don't hold it against them, but move on in life.  Life is too short to hold on to things that I cannot change.  Life is too short to not love everyone.

Talking about love seems appropriate, doesn't it, with Valentine's Day just a few days away.  But it's this book that spoke to me.  But it wasn't just about us loving others, but God's love for us.

Did you realize that God can do so much more through you - and for you - when you love everyone?  You know there have been things on my heart for years that I have longed to do FOR God, but have been kept from it - for various reasons I will not go into.  Why?  Part of it has been that I am a woman and some men don't feel a woman has no place in serving where men are to serve.  Yeah - that has been a big controversy for years, hasn't it.   Some of this has grieved me deeply, and I must admit, has caused me to step back when man has said I have to do it their way, or I can't do it at all - when it comes to serving God.  When I know that God has told me what He wanted me to do.  Sometimes those times are difficult to forget about, even though I feel I have forgiven them, although not requested.  They cannot see what they said or did was wrong.  I really believe it was wrong what they did  

But, I know that God has used me in the past, and I know that He hasn't forgotten me because I have not been able to do some things.  I must admit I have lost some of the passion and zeal I used to have.... it has been sucked out of me over the years, but I have been asking God to fill me again with passion for Him, and for His Word.  To open my mind and my heart to not only read His Word, but to understand and believe His Word, and to live His Word.  That part is the hardest sometimes, especially where I am right now.

I'm being far more open than I should be, I think, but this is an outlet for me to share ... please close this page if you don't want to read further.   Life is hard sometimes, and I am grateful I have God in my life to run to in times like these.  I don't see the big picture and I don't understand - from my perspective - why my life is painful now, when in my older years I should be enjoying it.  Sorrow has overwhelmed me at times and all I can do is hold it in and run to Jesus and tell Him how I feel.  There are some things that I just can't share.  Anywhere. With anyone.  But with Jesus.

I will admit that life sometimes is the result of things I've said or done - known and unknown things.  Sometimes I feel like I have been chewed up and spit out and I have nothing left.  Yet, I know that God loves me and He is always for me.  He always sits with me when I am down-heartened.  He wraps me in His loving arms when I need a hug; when I need to be comforted; when I am afraid; when I feel so alone.  He loves me.  Just as I am.  Faults and all.  Sins and all.  Pain and all.  Anger and all.  Loved and unloved.   He loves me and wants me.  Just like He loves and wants you.  Right where you are.

In this book it shared about how we need to love everyone, even those we don't know, as well as those who hurt us.  We are to share God's love with everyone, and we do this by our hugs, our eye contact, our smiles, our words, our actions.  I can think of some people that I say I 'care for', but I haven't said that I love them.  Is there a difference?  Apparently God thinks so.  I must love them, and let God love them through me when I don't have it in me to love them.  When I'm hurting, sometimes I don't see the pain others may be going through.  All I can think about is my hurt, my pain.  There is a time to deal with my stuff.  I am still to love others.

And it needs to be a sincere love.  Some people give me a hug at times and I may wonder if it is sincere or not.  And I need to stop that thought.  That's the enemy putting things in my head.  And besides, it doesn't matter how people feel about me.  God loves me, and that is all I need.  

But I need to take God's love and use it to love others.  Completely.  Without reservation.  I need to put myself out there with people who I don't know, and love them, just as I want God to love me.  It isn't going to be easy.  I have become very introverted over the years because of things happening in my life.  I have stepped back because someone made a comment about me - to me.  It only takes one comment and it can destroy a person.  I know.  I've been on the receiving end - not just once, but many times, from different people.  Even those close to me who think they know me best.  And they don't even realize how their words cut me to the quick.  And chipped away at who I once was.

I allowed it.  I can't blame it on anyone.  I allowed the enemy to infiltrate my mind and tell me I was of no value.  I allowed words spoken - even in supposed kindness - to make me feel less than whatI knew God wanted of me.  And it must stop.  I speak - and tell the enemy he has to flee, for I am a child of God and He is my refuge in any storm.  He is the love of my life.  All I am, I want to be His.  Life is hard, but with His help, I can get through it.

2 Samuel 22:3 (NKJV)  "The God of my strength, in whom I trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my Savior, you save me from violence.  I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies."

Lord, show me how to love others, even when I don't know them.  You know them, and You love them, and that is all that matters.  Even if they may rub me the wrong way, I am to love them, with Your love when I can't find it inside of me.  Take me, just as I am, and use me to love others and to show them Your love.  Use me, however You choose.  I've read that how we treat others is what we think of ourselves.  We don't love ourselves so we find it difficult to love others.  Make me more like You, Jesus. You welcom everyone into Your heart.  You love each one of us so much You chose to die for us.  Give me, give us each one, a greater love for You, and a greater love for those around us.  Let us be You to them.  Loving them as You love us.  Amen.

Yesterday was good, sorta.... kinda...

 I (wanted to) jumped on the work computer early yesterday morning, knowing that I would be gone at least a couple hours to have breakfast with my favorite boss.  I turned the computer on, signed in, and then this BitLocker Recovery screen came up - and would not go away.  I turned off, back on.  When it came up, it would last about 30 seconds, then shut down the computer.  I finally got ahold of the Help Desk and - and this is interesting - he had me unplug everything that was attached to the laptop.  My monitor, the plug, anything and everything.  Then he had me turn it on, and plug everything back in.  It worked perfectly as it should.  Well, sorta.  He said that the laptop just needed to reset.  Interesting.  It worked fine until later in the day - could it have been my imagination? - and I left the computer for about 30 minutes and when I came back, it had shut itself down.  It shouldn't have done that.  I'm curious on what will happen this morning, but I'm not going anywhere this morning so it doesn't matter.  I may be taking it in to get another laptop.  Luckily, I think I can go to one of 'our' hospitals nearby as they have extra computers.  Maybe I can even luck out and get one of the newer ones.  

I did have a great breakfast with my boss yesterday and we stayed for over an hour.  I finally told her I had to get back to work.  Afterall, for both of us, it was a 50-60 minute drive back home to get back to work.  And I had over 33 messages when I returned!  I didn't have to do anything with most of them as they were email/meetings for my two bosses, but there were some I had to attend to.    Hubby reminded me on the way home that it was 'National Pizza Day' so I pulled a pizza out of the freezer last night for dinner.

I read in a devotional this morning about a man who lost three generations when a drunk driver hit his car head-on.  He lost his mother, his wife, and his daughter.  He walked away with very minor injury, as did his three other children.  But what was interesting about this story was how he coped with his loss.  How he responded to his loss.  Losing one person is devastating, even when you know it is going to happen, even when they are old and you know it will happen 'at some time', losing a person you care for is crushing, it's devastating, it's a loss.   But his response wasn't of anger or defeat.  His response was thought-provoking.  He wrote a book titled 'A Grace Disguised' in which he wrote:

"Sooner or later all people suffer loss, in little doses or big ones, suddenly or over time, privately or in public settings.  Loss is as much a part of normal life as birth, for as surely as we are born into tis world we suffer loss before we leave it.

It is not, therefore, the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives, for that is as inevitable as death, which is the last loss awaiting us all.  It is how we respond to loss that matters.  That response will largely determine the quality, the direction, and the impact of our lives.

This book is not intended to help anyone get over or even through the experience of catastrophic loss, for I believe that "recovery" from such loss is an unrealistic and even harmful expectation, if by recovery we mean resuming the way we lived and felt prior to the loss.  Instead, the book is intended to show how it is possible to live in and be enlarged by loss, even as we continue to experience it.  Thatis why I will emphasize the power of response.  Response involves the choices we make, the grace we receive, and ultimately the transformation we experience in the loss."

Did you catch that wisdom?  The defining moment can be our response to the loss.  Our life story may include loss, but ultimately our life story doesn't have to be a story about loss.

Remember the story about Job in the Bible?  This man lost everything.  He lost his ten children when the house/tent collapsed on them.  He lost all his livestock, he lost his 'farm', he lost everything.  He was covered in boils from the sole of his feet to the top of his head - to where he took a piece of broken pottery to scrape at them.  His wife, on the other hand, asked him, "are you still going to hold on to your integrity?  Curse God and die!"   But he not only did not, he could not.  He knew that God would be with him through it all.  And He was.  Job learned that through his great loss, where he lost everything, that God was still there.  The famous line he said "The Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the Name of the Lord."

What have you lost that you know God was in it?  I'm not going into detail of things in my life, but I have had loss as well.  Fortunately for me, that loss, and the results of choices I made after that loss, made me run after Jesus.  And I've never looked back.  I tell you the truth, if in my miserable state, had I not run after Jesus and sought Him to lead my life, I would probably not be the person I am today.  I wouldn't be where I am today.  Jesus took me from the pit of my life, and set my feet on His solid ground, and I am so grateful and thankful He loved me so much.  He forgave my sinful ways, known and unknown, and has helped me through this life.

And He can help you, if you will let Him.  All you have to do is surrender to Him.  He doesn't care where you are right now, what your life is like.  All He wants is you.  You don't have to be spic and span to be His.  You just have to be willing to let Him lead you.  Going through a tough time?  It's much easier when you have Jesus.  Things going well?  Jesus is still the Answer.  Ask Jesus to help you through today..... then watch and see what He will do.  Afterall, He sees the big picture; we see what is only in front of us.  Trust Him.

Blessings!

Somewhat better today, thank you.....

 My toe is a beautiful shade of purple, but it doesn't hurt like it did yesterday morning.  I could barely walk on it yesterday, but by evening, I forgot that I had even hurt it and was able to walk pretty good.  If I move it a certain way this morning, it does hurt, but why sit here and do that to make it hurt?  Duh!

I had a nice lunch yesterday with a former boss.  I still don't know why she wanted to have lunch with me.  We had a nice lunch and talked so much - I didn't even eat my hamburger!  Or rather, it's called a 'pub burger' (I should have gotten a salad!).  It's a thick hamburger with some kind of sauce on it and onions, and BBQ sauce... and wrapped up in a pretzel bun.  Oh I love the bread more than I love the sandwich!  Oh - and I can't forget the bacon that is on it too!  I ate my french fries, but brought the sandwich home for hubby.  I did eat half of it, but left the rest for him.

Work had piled up while I was out for lunch so had things to get done - and hubby comes in questioning about his last covid test in January.  The hospital had called about his upcoming surgery on Monday and told him he needed to have a covid test before he could have surgery.  I knew what they were wanting... he couldn't understand.  FInally I told him that they didn't want his positive test he had in January, he has to go get another covid test that shows negative before they will do the surgery - after all, he will be admitted for an overnight stay.  I finally started checking the computer on where he could go and get the test as they needed the results by Friday.  I found a place nearby he could go at 4:10PM.  Oh no, he couldn't go last night.  Why?  Well, he was meeting his friends at 6PM.  What about Wednesday?  So I look and found he could drive a little further, they had an open appointment at 11:30AM.  Oh no, he couldn't go then because he was having lunch with a friend.  By now I'm getting frustrated.  He couldn't understand why I was upset.  He calls the hospital and talks to them and eventually asks if he can just use the covid tests we have received from the goverment.  YES, the hospital replied.  Monday morning he can do the test, then take a photo of the results to prove he does not have covid, bring them with him, and they will proceed with the surgery.  Later he asked me why I was so frustrated with him.  I told him.  I was working; I had things I needed to get done; he wanted me to find what he could do, where he could get the test - then refuses to go when I did find it.  Yes, I was frustrated.   I calmly reminded him that I was working, and he was interrupting me when he could have done it all himself.  He just didn't want to.  So I got accused of not caring about him.  I can't win.

I have a breakfast meeting scheduled with my boss at a restaurant down the street from where I had lunch yesterday.  Yeah, it means I need to jump on the computer early this morning so I can finish up what I didn't get done yesterday with the interruption, and then head out the door to meet her.  My boss had commented last week that we need to meet up about every six weeks - and I said ok!  Scheduled breakfast this morning for something different (we usually meet for lunch) and in March we'll meet up again somewhere else.  It's a nice break for me (and for her) and I schedule when we are both open.  If something comes up and one of us can't make it - that's fine too.  Hubby is happy; he gets to go to lunch with a friend.  He actually goes to breakfast/lunch/dinner at least once or twice a week - and I don't care.

I learned a long time ago not to pray for patience.  Why?  Because that is when it seems everything goes crazy and you learn patience the hard way!  I want it as a spiritual gift given to me.  It doesn't happen that way.  As a rule, I can be patient.  But sometimes I think patience needs a little prodding.

Reminds me of a time when I took a granddaughter, who had just turned 10, shopping.  My daughter was more than happy to send me shopping with her to use up birthday money/giftcards becasue she said my granddaughter was a lot like me.  I can shop all day - and walk out of every store with absolutely nothing purchased.  I will even carry things around with me for awhile - then put every item back where I got it and walk out of the store empty handed.  So it was decided that I would take this granddaughter shopping.  And we shopped.  She wasn't buying anything at the stores, just looking at everything.  At the 5th store (truth!) she was walking around and just looking and I commented, "would you please buy something?"  She turned and looked at me and said "Oh my, does someone need a nap?"

Yes, I laughed!  But she was serious!  No,  I didn't need a nap - I just wanted her to buy something!  And I could see myself in this situation.  I loved to browse, but wasn't so much on buying.  Now I buy too much - many things I don't need.... and come home and put them away and sometimes don't even use them.  But I'm not alone in that respect.  I know other people who will buy things (especially at parties where they want you to buy something and you feel obligated and look for the cheapest thing to buy) and eventually will find them and put them in the goodwill or savers bag.  My boss had several stoneware pieces she had bought over the years - she did a cleaning of her cabinets and realized that many she had never used - so immediately boxed them up and took them over to a thrift store she donates to.  And felt good about it.  I need to do that more often.  You know, when I see it and realize I don't use it, nor need it, and know of no one else who would want it - put in a box and take it then, and not wait.  Why?  Because if I hang on to it, I will eventually think that maybe I will use it and take it out of the bag, perhaps use that one time, and put it back in the cabinet, never to be used again.

We do that with life, don't you think?  Sometimes we do need to take inventory of who our friends (or those we think are friends) are and determine if they are truly friends, or people who just hang on to us.  You know the kind, those who suck up to us and pretend they are our friends, but in reality, they just want us to make them look good.  Those are the kind of people we sometimes need to cut out of our lives.  Perhaps not permanently, but keep at a distance.  I have some of those friends.  I have some that I enjoy being with and we share things together, then there are those who call themselves 'close friends' but yet never have time to listen or time to contribute to things you are involved with.  They only want to be with you when they get something out of it.  It doesn't take long to figure out who those people are.

But we are called to love them anyway.  I have some family members that I enjoy being with, some that I am close with, some that drive me crazy, some that is better it is an occasional thing.  But I love them anyway.  I have some friends like that too.  Most are weeded out because I have to keep working and they are retired and enjoying life.  

I'm reminded in a book I'm reading about Joseph (yes, chaning the subject).... if you recall his dreams of his brothers bowing down to him, of his brothers selling him into slavery, his being sold to Potiphar, being thrown back in prison, his interpretation of the baker and the cupbearer's dreams, and eventually getting out of prison and becoming the second in command of all Egypt.  The story goes on, but the part I'm thinking about this morning is that those times he was in a prison, he never gave up on God.  The times he felt alone, crushed because of what his brothers did to him, missing his younger brother and his father, he continued to seek God.  He never held bitterness and anger against his brothers when they came to him for food, but after a series of tests, revealed himself to them.  When their father did die, the brothers were afraid that Joseph would take his revenge, but he told them that God had allowed all that he went through so that he could help them during this famine.  God had taken care of him, had provided good, along with what he was going through in prison.  Joseph learned how to lean into God, and not look at his circumstances.

How many times do we bury ourselves in our circumstances, and not lean into God to let Him lead us to the outcome?  So many times our circumstances are the result of our own interventions.  Our words get us in a lot of trouble.  Neglecting to say 'I'm sorry' sometimes will build a wall.  We all think that life is hard and many times it is our own fault.  Choices we have made, and then we don't want to right those choices and make it better.  And family conflicts happen.  Children divorce parents, parents divorce children, conflicts happen and no one is happy, becuase there is no communication, no 'I'm sorry', no let's make this right.  Joseph chose to lean into God.  Who do we lean in to when we are struggling?

It's early yet this morning and I need to not only lean into God, I need to get my butt moving and jump on the computer since I will be leaving in a couple hours to head to breakfast with my boss.  Hubby is still angry with me (actually angry with himself, but he has to work through that) so it will be nice to get out of the house for a little bit.  I know I've rambled (again) this morning, but I hope in all the rambling you have something to think about.  What, I have no idea.  Sometimes I think God lets me ramble because something triggers a thought that one needs to think about.

I Corinthians 10:24 (NKJV)  "Let no one seek his own, but each one the other's well-being."

Blessings!

Ow - it hurts!

 I didn't sleep well last night and kept waking up.  Not sure what was waking me up, but my guess is that it was the humidifier that I had filled up and turned on.  My hair is flying everywhere due to the electricity and dryness in the air.  I don't use the humidifier every night anymore, and hubby has stopped - for whatever reason - dropping the thermostat down at night like we had been.  We slept so much better when it was in the low 60's  - I think I will remind him of that this morning.  Anyway, because I was awake various times during the night, thinking about the humidifier and if I put enough water in it to get through the night (I did), I didn't want to get up this morning.  Hubby rose at 4:30AM so I decided to get up as well - afterall, I was awake.  I just didn't want to get up.  So, in getting up, I didn't pay attention to what I was doing, and walked straight instead of turning at the foot of the bed, and walked right into the dresser that is there.  A big, heavy, wooden dresser.  Which stubbed my 2nd toe.  It's not broke, cause I came in here and pulled on it a few times to get it straightened out, and I can move it, but it is sore.  What was I thinking?!!

I bought a new Bible yesterday.  I love my Jentezen Franklin Legacy Bible, but I miss reading footnotes on what the scriptures mean.  I love the messages that are in the different books of the Bibles, but I miss being able to jump down to the bottom of the page to see what does that scripture mean and how can I apply it to my life today.  I love the study notes in the back of the Bible on Fasting, but I miss the introductions of what is going on within that book.  So I bought myself the Dr. David Jeremiah Study Bible.  I am going to enjoy the QR codes at the introduction of each book.  It is a message from Dr. Jeremiah on what the book is about.  I want to learn more about the Bible.  Yes, I've read it in its entirety many times over the past 30 years, but I want more.  I have forgotten a lot, I admit.  Work and other things in one's life does that.  We forget what we have learned.

That is why it is so important that we read and reread the Bible, so that we hold these truths always in our hearts and minds so that we know that we know that we know, God's truth.  I don't memorize as well as I used to.  I don't retain things as much as I used to.  But I want to learn.  One could say that since I don't remember things that well anymore that I'm possibly reading the Bible for the first time, because I will learn new truths as I read it.  Won't you join me in this new venture of reading?

I'm still reading in another study Bible in the evenings.  I'm in Numbers, and I thought Leviticus was difficult to get through!  Do I really care what the numbers were of the Israelites when they were in the journey to the Promised Land?    No, but.... I've learned that Leviticus with all its rules and regulations on how to do sacrifices teaches me that God is Holy.  So what am I to learn from Numbers?  That God cares about each one of us - we aren't just a number to Him, we are an individual and He loves each one of us individually with such a deep and abiding love!  Do you believe that?  I'm so grateful I don't have to be perfect for Him to love me.  He loves me just as I am.  He wants me just as I am.  It's up to Him to show me how to change; I don't have to change to get His favor.  I AM His Favor.  And so are you.

I read in one of my devotions this morning about ....  What if... you knew when you had a child, all the difficulties that they would endure - whether it be learning disabilities, choosing the wrong paths in life, rebellion.... if you knew all that before it all happened, and were given an eraser, a pen or pencil, what would you do with it?  I think most of us, our first thought would be to erase those times that they made the wrong choice.  We would want to write in their life what the right choice would be.  We would want to draw a line through those times that were difficult for them, and instead let their lives be smooth and clear.  But is that what we should do?  

What about the difficult times that cause them to cry out to Jesus for intervention?  The painful mourning times when they feel all alone and cry out to Jesus for comfort and peace?  What about those times when someone has hurt them and they are angry and bitter and unforgiving.... and then they realize that they are holding grudges that don't need to be held, that Jesus has forgiven them all the things they have done, He was wiped the slate clean by going to the cross and shedding His blood as our sacrifice..... Jesus is our Advocate for when things are done against us.  We are not to retaliate.  He knows how many times I have wanted to retaliate against someone who has hurt me, and yet, He shows me His nail-scarred hands, and I realize that He is my Advocate and will take care of any and every situation that comes against me.

But there are those times that each one of us, each one of our children, go through - whether mourning the death of a loved one and not understanding why God let them die after we prayed so diligently (been there on that one!) or struggling to understand why life has taken the turn it has.  Why has my job not been satisfying; why am I not being recognized for my efforts; why did they let me go?  We all have asked the question "Lord, where are YOU in this situation?"

And if we are still and quiet enough, He will answer.  He's right there.  He's right here.  He is right where we are, waiting for us to turn to Him and allow Him to love us, comfort us, and guide and direct us in our daily lives.  I get it, sometimes it is hard to ask Him; we think we can get by this day by ourselves.  Sometimes we choose to ignore the longing to just talk with Him.  But every morning, He is right there, waiting for each one of us, right where we are.

In fact, He is right here with me as I write this.  And He is right there with you as you read this.  All He wants is you.  He's waiting on you to tell Him what you need.  It doesn't mean we will always get what we want, but one thing I've always discovered, Jesus has always provided what I needed.

I have always had a roof over my head.  I have a job (granted, some don't, but who are you trusting in it?), I have friends, I have food to eat (way too much food!).  He takes care of me.  And He takes care of you.

Sit back in your chair and think about all that Jesus has given you.  You may not recognize them as from His hand, but they are.  Take a moment and just thank Him for providing for you.

Blessings!

I did write... or try to....

 You probably noticed I didn't post yesterday.  But I did do some writing.  In fact, I tried twice to write something to post, but both times I ended up saving as a draft.  Why?  I don't know.  It just didn't feel right.  It wasn't bad stuff, and I may go back and read them later and pop them on.  

Today is Monday and the start of my work week.  It is days like today that I am totally leaning into God, my Father, to help me through the day.  I've had some things going on with me physically recently that I don't understand, and I'm not sure if it is medical or spiritual.  But I'm praying about it and asking for God's intervention.

I will be sending out an email to my children sometime today, unless I get busy.  We finally got information on hubby's surgery and it is scheduled for Valentine's day, February 14th, next Monday.  Hubby is anxious, as one would expect when their body is going to be cut upon.

But I am praying that the aneurysms will totally dissolve before the surgery and none will be required.  If the one behind his leg that we can see disappears, then I will know that my prayers were answered.  

We don't know why God allows some things to happen.  But I know that through these things, I lean in closer to Him and seek Him more diligently and intently.  I'm not perfect and I fail Him so many, many times, but His grace is always sufficient, even during their difficult and troubling times.

My oral surgery is scheduled for March 3rd.  I'm dreading it because of the cost we will have to pay for it that insurance doesn't cover.  First time in years my credit card will have a balance this large on it.  I usually keep them at zero... but I figure within 3-4 months I can have it paid off if I focus on it.  I've been ok with my surgery and what I will have to go through.  I know people have had implants done a lot.  It's nothing new (just real expensive up front).  But then I hear my sister in law had it done a few weeks ago.... and ended up developing an infection in her sinus area (I guess that is where the get the bone graft to put on the tooth) and had to have everything taken out.  She is now going with a bridge.  I questioned about going that route as it is a (very) little less expensive, but then I will need to replace 3 crowns and the cost is very similar to what I'm already paying out.  And the reason I need this implant is because one of my crowns broke off at the gumline.  If it gets infected, it could cause serious problems as the root is still in the jaw.   This morning I actually prayed that within this month the root will work itself out of the jaw and pop out and heal that spot and then I will be done with it!  Can God do it?  Absolutely!  Will He?  I don't know.  But wouldn't it be cool if He did?

God does answer my prayers.  I look back over the years at the prayers He has answered for me.  True, it may be that I wasn't the only one praying, but that doesn't matter.  What does matter is that prayer was answered.  I don't always get the answer I pray for.  But I trust in the One to whom I pray, and once I put my request in His hands, I am confident in whatever may happen.  My part is to seek Him first.  And then leave it in His hands.

Sometimes that isn't easy, especially when my heart is breaking over something.  But I am always reminded that He is God, and I am not.  I cannot change things, He can.  Why waste my time and anxiety in worry, when He has every situation totally in control?  All I need to do is let Him; and trust Him; no matter the answer.

As I wrote the date in my journal this morning I was reminded that it has been 65 years since my father passed away.  My older brother said that Dad never thought he would die; even to the end, he thought he would get better and live.  I have never understood why God would take someone who was serving Him, leaving his wife to raise 6 children, the oldest 17 and the youngest almost 2.   The lives of this family over the years has been torn apart.  Would it have been different had he lived?  I don't know.  But I do wish they knew about dialysis and how to deal with diabetes way back then.  I have often wondered about my life.   And my siblings perspectives of our father have been different.  I was 7 years old and I only have a couple memories, and they are those of him being so sick.  But I knew I was loved.

I watched 'War Room' again last night and it always inspires me.  I have my little corner here in this room that I have prayer requests up on the wall, my kneeling bench beside it.  I haven't been able to get to it since I bought the weight bench and put it in here.  Of course one doesn't have to have all that to pray, kneeling anywhere works.  It was interesting that when we moved in here, my son-in-law commented about making one of these closets my prayer room.... only we have two closets for our clothes, and one for coats.  But still, if hubby didn'tn have 20 jackets (you think I'm kidding?  look at the closet!), I would move my 4-5 jackets/coats into my big closet and make the prayer closet there ... ah... I will have to think about it more.  I'm afraid hubby will reject my idea if it causes him an inconvenience.  But I have even been thinking of making that back room a prayer room versus my workout room.   I have to think these things out in my mind to see if they would work.  Hubby isn't always so eager to let me do things I want to do.

I believe there is a lot of spiritual warfare going on right now and we all need to turn our eyes to Jesus and get on our faces before Him to help us through these times.  These things happening are real and we may gripe and complain about them, but are we praying about them?  Are we seeking God and asking for His intervention in these things?    I'm struggling at times within my own prayer life.  The heaviness I feel at times is overwhelming.  But I do know that I cannot stop.  I need to keep seeking God.  My life isn't perfect and I sometimes act in my own will.  But I keep seeking, keep leaning into Jesus.  I have to, for without Him, I would die.

An empty life is just that.  Empty and void.  God didn't make us to be that way; He made us to live and love and be.  He created us in His image, He loves us so much.  And we are called to loved Him first, and to love others as much as we love ourselves.  Some people don't love themselves very much, based on how they not only treat others they say they love, but how they treat themselves. 

Life may not always seem fair, life may not always be perfect, but what we do with what we have, is our worship back to the One who created us.

Blessings!

I had a dream early this morning...

 and I certainly can't figure out if it has any meaning.  I read last night (and made hubby leave the TV off) and the book I'm reading is really good.  It's called God's Unstoppable Breakthrough by Matt Storer.  I looked on Amazon this morning and it's on a special sale of $3.95!  Yes, I ordered a book to pass on to someone else at that price.  My sister had sent me this book.  This book is about God working in different ways, specifically in the healing realm.  I love to hear how God heals people and how He works through people to touch others.  It increases my desire to be close to Him and seek Him more intently.  But I am off topic.

This dream.  I could say it was weird.  I certainly can't figure out what it could possibly mean.  Except one thing.  I will explain that comment later.  After I tell you the dream.  Which is very short, really.  It's only one scene.  Ok- here we go.

I'm driving a large car, and I'm in an intersection, waiting to turn left.  It's like I'm suspended in time - nothing is moving, no other traffic is in my vision.  I'm just sitting there, in the middle of the intersection - no noise, no traffic, nothing.  Then this little old lady, as if she was homeless and pushing a cart, appeared on the corner to the left of me where I was turning, and started to walk across the street.  I sat and just watched her.  Suddenly, my daughter's voice came into focus "turn, mom!  Cars are behind you and they can't move - you are blocking traffic!"  I waited until the lady with the cart was out of the way and I tried to turn, but couldn't.  My legs and feet were non-existent - I couldn't find the pedals to make the car move.  As I struggled to move, I wake up.  And I realized I was asleep on my back.  Now mind you, I think I rarely sleep on my back.  Perhaps that is the reason for this wild dream.  I've given thought as if there is anything to this dream (a kickback thought from the movie the other night where Sam Miller received dreams of what was going to happen?)... and I draw a blank.  Of course it could be I needed to 'turn' back on to my side.... but it was 5:30AM - I can't remember the last time I slept until 5:30AM! - so I got up to come in here, write down my dream, and do my quiet time.  Weird dream, huh?

Today I have Needles of Hope and am looking forward to going.  We haven't met since before Christmas - and that was the first Saturday of December.  I haven't worked on the blanket I took the last time to work on - so guess I'll take it again to do today as we visit.  I've probably made several blankets and afghans since then, but didn't work on that one.  And that's ok.  I need to remember to take my blankets to turn in.  Or I may just wait until next month and add to it.  I have learned to love crocheting (always reminds me of my mama) and although I only know a couple stitches, that's ok.  When I have more time, I'll take the time to learn new stitches, but I don't need to get fancy right now.  I can let other people do that.  We do have some pretty blankets donated for the Choices Pregnancy Center.   I'm looking forward to visiting with other women with like interests - and getting out of the house for a few hours.  I might do some strolling on the way home... don't need to buy anything.... nothing we need.... but just get out and move.  And be around people, but alone.  Make sense?  Just get out of the house and have no agenda.

Today's devotional speaks to my heart this morning.  Listen to it speak to your heart.... if you let it.

Psalms 139:10-11 TPT   "Wherever I go, your hand will guide me, your strength will empower me.  It's impossible to disappear from you or to ask the darkness to hide me, for your presence is everywhere, bringing light into my night."

Just as an author puts pen to paper and creates worlds with their words, so have I created the world in which you live.  Your character is being shaped, and your story is unfolding just as it should be.  As you walk through this life, I am creating a pathway for you with each twist and turn in the plot.

I see the bigger picture of your life because I am not limited in my perspective.  Trust that I won't let the tensions of heartache and hardship be the end of your story.   Here in the trouble is where the most beautiful transformations take place.  I am already working it out for your benefit.  Let me show you the beautiful tapestry that I am weaving from the different threads of your life.  I will waste nothing.  Even what seems unbearable, I will turn to beauty in my hands.  You don't believe me?  Watch me do it.

You cannot convince me to leave you alone or to give up on you.   Instead, lean back into my love and give yourself over to the overwhelming joy I have for you.  Feast on my love and find life in the courage of your faith.

Doesn't that just speak to you this morning?  God hasn't turned His back on you - no matter what you have done, no matter where you are.  He sees the bigger picture of your life, and He still loves you as He waits for you to turn to Him.  You are a beautiful tapestry that is being made; perhaps you are looking at the backside of the tapesty and all the threads are going every which way and nothing seems to have any design to it - and yet, that is what we see... and our Heavenly Father, who is working from the topside, sees nothing but a beautiful tapestry design.

God isn't done with you.  No matter where you are or what you do or what you have done, He isn't finished.  

Thank You, Jesus, that You haven't ripped out the threads of our lives because our focus has been on ourselves, but instead, You are weaving the threads of life together to make all things beautiful.

Blessings!

Gotta get more coffee.....

 It's going to be one of those mornings, I think, when one cup of coffee is not going to be enough.   I'm thinking a trip to Sam's Club is going to be on the agenda this weekend too, as hubby has told me we only have a few k-cups left.  I really don't HAVE to have a cup of coffee every morning, but hubby brings me a cup every morning so every morning I drink it.  Some mornings it tastes rich, deep, and satisfying.  Today it's like hot water.  It's hard to get good coffee every morning out of a k-cup.  My machine also has a pot for making coffee, and I've encouraged hubby to use it, and he does occasionally, and I have to tell him make only half a pot for we rarely drink it all in one day anymore.  But there was a time that we did.  Anyway, I will probably fix a second cup of coffee today - or perhaps a cup of green tea.  Why?  Just because I feel like I want one.  No other reason. (yeah, I'm looking for something to come to me to write)

The thought has come back to me this morning.... "I would like to not do this job anymore".  And why is that?  Because I am going to have to learn something new, and I don't want to.  It's not something that interests me.  They are changing our timecard system and we have a new program starting in March and we have to take all this training.  And I just don't want to.  I keep telling myself I'm not the only one - and I really have been fortunate that I haven't had to do timecards in the past.... BUT.... when one admin left, all 20+ of her people needed to have their timecards approved and I got to be the lucky one.  Then another admin left, and I got the people she approved.  I have NEVER had to do timecards .... until these admins left.  I tried to get out of it... but wasn't able to.  I finally have figured out how to do these - and now they are changing the entire timecard system.  UGH.  I'd rather be flipping burgers and not having to do this!

I do have a great job, don't get me wrong.  I do less than a fourth of what I did when we were in the office, and they pay me well do to this.  From home.  Some days I'm really busy, but most days I'm not.  I think I would prefer a job in which I could ... could what?  

I think of my daughter who is constantly busy looking for houses to 'flip' - fix up and sell, or in the past, showing houses.  I don't know I could do that.  It's a special skill.

I think of my daughter-in-love who has her masters in physical therapy and has to physically work with people, helping them however they need.  Hands on.  Physical work.  I think I would like that type of job, but of course I couldn't do it now.  Education for one, but I just don't have the strength now.  

I've often thought of writing a book - but how.  Anyone can write a book, and I love books, and I love to share stories, and I could put things together.... but I don't have the time right now to even focus on something like that.  Too many distractions.  And I have to work.

I'm not creative enough to make things and sell.  I love to cook and bake - but... I don't want the hard work of restaurant work either.  Although I have often told a friend of ours who owns a restaurant that if I ever need to find a job, I'm expecting to be hired as one of his waitresses.  And he says yes, anytime that I want to start.  Now that also is PHYSICAL work.  

Am I feeling sorry for myself this morning?  What's up with that this morning?  It's Friday, the work week is nearly over.... and I'm strugging to 'want' to work today.  Probably because I must get on the timecard lessons.  sigh.  I do have a 8AM meeting with one of my bosses.  My favorite boss text'd me last night that she got word another executive is leaving and gong to another company.  This one has barely been here a year and a half.  I have never met him, and don't really know him, so his leaving won't affect my area.  Since he is about the 5th excutive in the last 5 months to leave... it does cause one to wonder what is going on.  Can I hold on 3 more years?  I set a goal for myself - my favorite boss said she'd like to retire at 65.... three years.... surely I can retire at 75, don't you think?  Don't I deserve to have some days of my own?

My brother text'd me the other night that he didn't want to scare me, but his wife had gotten a dental implant last week..... developed a sinus infection (I found out that is where they get the bone for the grafting for the jaw) and they had to remove the entire implant and put her on heavy doses of antibotics.  That doesn't sound encouraging.  But it is good to know that everything may not go perfectly.  She is now going with a bridge instead.  I'm not thinking I will have any complications... but I know there can be.  I'm always confident that God takes care of me, and He always has, so I am not afraid.  If something goes wrong, God will still be taking care of me.

I love the story in Luke 18 of the blind man, when he heard a crowd coming his way, asked what was going on.  He was told that Jesus of Nazareth was heading that way.  So what does he do?  He starts yelling out "Jesus, Son of David!  Have mercy on me!"  Everyone started telling him to be quiet, but he refused.  "Jesus, Son of David!  Have mercy on me!" he kept calling.  Finally Jesus had the blind man come to Him and asked...... "What do you want Me to do for you?" ....  and the blind man said, "Lord, that I may receive my sight."  And Jesus responded, "Receive your sight; your faith has made you well."  And the man received his sight and went on his way, glorifying and praising God.

"What do you want me to do for you"?"

Ponder that question. If you wanted to ask Jesus to do something for you, what would you ask Him?  

I am sitting here asking myself that very question, and I must say, "I don't know".  I can see and hear. I can move and breathe.  I am well (well, pretty much, anyway).  I have a good job.  Hubby is healthy.  I could ask for better relationships with my children and grandchildren... but what do I want Jesus to do for me?

Let's both take time today to ponder that question.   What do you want Jesus to do for you?

Have you asked Him to do something for you?  You won't get it just by thinking it.  Take a moment to verbally ASK Jesus to do something for you.

He's waiting.

and Jesus said to him...."What do you want Me to do for you?"

and He's asking you.