Ah- who am I kidding? Friday took forever to get here! It's been a busy week and I'm tired. I've been given very difficult meetings to schedule and difficult tasks to complete. And my 'don't wanna do it' rises up and I have to get up and go have a talk with myself. I don't have an option. It's not 'I can do it or not' - it's 'I will do it cause it's my job.' Grumble! And I'm taking off an hour early today cause I am going to get my hair done! My hair has become extremely valuable because it looks (in my opinion) like it is about all silver. My little sister loves to comment on how 'gray' my hair is.... I like silver. :-) I'm hoping we can blend the bleached blonde/brown/silver together somehow and make it nice. Plus my hair feels like it is thinning out.... always something.
I didn't sleep well last night as I was thinking about one of my granddaughters who is our prodigal one. I still can't get past she will leave her baby with her boyfriend for weeks at a time. Talk was of her moving up north and in with a cousin... she is to take her baby with her... but will it happen. It was to happen twice this week and didn't. But... she's 18 and thinks she has all the answers. She has no clue. No diploma. No job. Footloose and fancy free. Sigh. And yes, I was praying for her and this little one nearly all night because my heart is grieved over her life. How I wish I was able to take that baby and raise him! I am heart-broken over her, and over this child.
Went over and visited Ms. Diane last night. Her memory is getting really bad. She cracked me up. Her daughter asked if she had eaten and she said yes. So the daughter asked what. Her comment back was tell me what was in the refrigerator and I'll tell you what I ate. So she started naming a couple things and Ms. Diane goes 'Oh I had the spaghetti!' - and her daughter looks at me and shakes her head; the spaghetti was still in the refrigerator. Her daughter makes sure she has food before she leaves every night. I did take over the Texas Chili to her I had made the night before, and I made lentil and ham soup yesterday and took some of that over to her. I imagine she had some of one of those last night. I cut up ham and put in the lentil soup so I still have some ham and a ham bone to use - maybe I'll make split pea soup today. But then, what will I do with the rest of the lentil? Yet, I don't want to waste the ham bone. Maybe I'll make the split pea soup tomorrow... we can eat the rest of the lentil soup today. Can't wait until my new soup cookbooks arrive. :-)
Tomorrow will be somewhat busy too. I need to call Ms. Amy today; she wants me to bring her over to her house and I told her I'd do it tomorrow. But - we are meeting friends for dinner at 4PM so need to bring her over here early and get her back earlier than usual. If she don't like it, she can just wait a couple more weeks. Her daughters should be coming out in May and start packing up her personal things to take to Florida. Last I heard was that she still will be moving to Florida in May. They plan to let the house sit for now... I'm hoping they'll put it up for sale soon. It has sat empty for a year now. Can you imagine the dust on all her furniture? I don't touch anything; just check to make sure everything is ok and bring her mail in. Which reminds me, I need to check on it and take inside now. I throw away the junk mail and stack up the rest. Her son pays everything online but for some reason they won't forward all the mail - although he has put in two forwarding requests.
My eye is recovering well, I think. I still put the drops in it 3 times a day - two more weeks of that or until it runs out. It has never hurt, except when I put the drops in it. I can't wait to get the left one done and just be done with it all. Next Thursday!
Psalm 143:7-8 (NKJV): "Answer me speedily, O LORD; my spirit fails! Do not hide Your face from me, lest I be like those who go down into the pit. Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You."
I imagine all of us, at one time or another, have had those sinking into despair feelings. Feelings that are empty, void of emotion, feeling lost and alone. This is one of those verses that always encourage me when I get in that pit of depression. Oh yes, I fall into at times as well. Unfortunately, this has been one of those weeks in which I feel I am clawing my way up out of the pit most of the time. And there really isn't any reason for it. It's a lot of little things, a lot of emotions that cause my thoughts to run away and leave me feeling I want to run away.
It's in those times that I want to sit on the floor, put a blanket on my head, and pretend I am not here. If I can't see you, you can't see me, right? Remember when we would play peek a boo with the babies and they would giggle when we would show our face - and we would giggle when they showed theirs?
Well this emotion isn't so much like that - but that thought did pop into my head. Sometimes life is hard. I keep a lot of things inside me - yes, although I write a lot of personal things on here, I still hold within a lot of feelings and emotions and words.... and you know very well that you do the same. You want to say things, but don't want a fight. Or you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Or you just need space from someone, but can't tell them that cause it would hurt them. I know you know what I'm talking about!
This week has been a tough one... even with seeing my boss Wednesday morning. Even with seeing Ms. Vicky and Ms. Diane this week - and seeing Ms. Amy tomorrow. I tell others often 'they need to get a life'... and yet, the reality is that I don't have much of a life either. Sequestered within this room from 4AM until 4PM with few departures from it.. doing the dinner thing and then sitting on the couch... I have no life. And it is depressing. Yes, I have found myself sinking into the pit of depression frequently this week. But because of work I do have distractions. I recognize it, and I am clawing my way out of it each time that I realize it. I.MISS,PEOPLE. I miss the interactions with others. I used to say my grandchildren kept me young... but now that they are older... well, they do have lives. Hubby tries to meet my needs, he really does, although he drives me insane.
For example, last night (and this is most nights)... after I visited with Ms. Diane a little bit and came back home, sat down on the couch with my crochet... "do you want to watch a movie, watch TV, turn it off, read, or just sit and crochet?" That is usually the nightly question. If I say I want the TV off and just have quiet... he grumbles, and then - seriously - he will be on his phone for the remainder of the evening. Not that it bothers me, in my opinion he could be doing something more productive - like reading a good book! I have stayed off facebook and instagram and linked in since Ash Wednesday. A couple times my sister sent me something in messenger and when I clicked on it - it took me to facebook, but I would jump right back off and not watch it. I don't want the temptation to break my fast and start scrolling. You know what? Although I have missed seeing what my family members and friends have posted.... I have gained back so much time that I don't really miss not scrolling and losing an hour or more in the evenings. I do still play my WWF though. :-)
So here it is Friday and I see it is 6:50AM and I need to sign on the work computer yet another day. Shaking off the heaviness of my heart, I will focus on the tasks before me today.
Today I am praying you will have a blessed day, free from all cares and struggles. May the Lord bless you and keep you, may all that you do prospers and makes your way sure.
Blessings!
