I had another rough night last night and didn't sleep much. My head is hurting again this morning and I'm exhausted. But this time it is my own fault. I let my hurt and feeling of rejection cause me to say words of frustration that I shouldn't have said. Not going to go into it, and I have made amends, and I'm not going into detail. Detail in this is not important. It's just a case of I felt hurt and rejected and I said words that I should not have said.
Isn't that how we react sometimes? Someone hurts us and we respond. Not that we want to hurt them, but we want them to see our pain. But, you know what, they usually don't. It isn't that they don't care, they just don't understand the depth of what we are feeling. And it comes out through our frustration, sometimes in anger, sometimes in words. I wasn't angry, I was hurt and feeling rejected. I was over it last night, but I kept replaying the words in my mind as I tried to sleep. I know I wasn't rejected personally. I know they have no clue how deeply I was hurt. And they won't know. Well, I did send a text this morning and told them I was hurt and felt rejected so that they would know why I reacted the way I did. And I did apologize and asked for forgiveness. They just will never know how hurt I was. And that is The End of this conversation. It isn't the first time I've been hurt, and it won't be the last, I'm sure. But each one needs a line drawn and say, "Ok, it happened, I've gotten past it, it's over and done."
Today's devotional spoke about tears. I'm so tired from two nights of not sleeping well, and the pain of this and some other things that have happened, my tears can easily fall this morning. The devotional talked about loss, and how we sometimes need to let the tears fall. It doesn't matter if it was yesterday, or if it was 10 years ago. Or fifty years ago. If we carry that pain, that hurt, still in our hearts at our loss, or at something we felt was hurt or rejection, it can still bring tears.
And that's ok. I love these words that the author wrote.... "So today, if something triggers an old pain for you and you find yourself feeling a bit sad or lonely or blue, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up because you're not "over it" yet. You may never be. But you will get through it. God is your Strength and your Comforter, and He will keep walking with you, step by step and day by day. And don't worry about those tears. Tears are God's way of helping you let the sadness out. That way it doesn't build up inside. Don't be ashamed of your tears. They're good for you, even if they started a long, long time ago. Those tears are precious to God. He's collecting every one of them in a bottle. He is saving them for a Special Day - the day when you and He will be able to pour them out together in a place where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, and no more death. That's the day you'll finally be Healed, the day you'll finally be Whole. That's the day you'll finally be Home. Then you can put that bottle on the shelf for good."
This is the sentence that spoke to me..... "Tears are God's way of helping you to let the sadness out."
I have held back tears for many years for many reasons. And other times I cannot hold the tears back; they just flow unbidden. I guess the hurt and sadness in my heart sometimes just can't hold back the flood anymore and they just fall, regardless where I am or what I'm doing. Many times it is a book I'm reading that will trigger the tears (that happened this past week), other times it is a song that will tenderize my heart and for an unknown reason, the tears will fall.
What about you? Are you like me, holding your tears back all the time? It isn't that we worry so much about the tears falling and people will see us; I think it is more we want to be alone in our sorrow, our grief. At least it is that way for me a lot of times. There are situations where the tears - whether of joy or sorrow, will overflow and I have no explanation for them. I'm out of control on the inside, and the tears are flowing on the outside.
I watch a love movie on TV and I will fight the tears because we all long to be loved and treated like that. I read a good book that will help me in my walk with God, and something will be written that will trigger thoughts of my own inadequacy and failures in life, and the tears will fall unbidden. I can go to a funeral of a friend, and cry my eyes out because of their grief and sorrow. But when it is my own family, I have managed to keep my tears in check. Why is that? When I conducted my older sister's funeral recently I choked up before I got the first words out.... but managed to get it 'under control' and continue. Yet, when I am alone and think about my family and those who are already gone, the hurt and pain inside of me because of my loss will grieve me, but the tears don't always come.
Perhaps it is because I don't want to be sad; I miss them, I love them, but I don't want to spend my life grieving at my loss. There are times that my pain is great. I remember after hubby's father died and he had been my best friend in the start of this marriage, helping me through some very rough times... a few months later I found something in the closet I was cleaning out that I had bought for him..... and I lost it. I was home alone so I could let my emotions have full rein. I screamed at God for taking away my friend and father in law. I threw things and screamed. And I cried at my loss. I felt so alone and without hope of surviving life.
And what did God do as I screamed at Him? He listened to my heart. Didn't matter what words I used. He heard my heart, he saw my pain.... and He loved me. He wrapped His arms around my heart and loved on me until I was able to stop crying. All the years of pent up pain and loss; all the times I felt unwanted and unloved, rejected, God held me while I cried those out. Then I calmly picked the things up and put them away. Exhausted and worn, but knowing I was loved and comforted.
I could use some of that now... but will continue to hold it in for awhile. I need to find some alone time where God and I can really talk. It's hard with working from home; even here in my room during my quiet time, I don't want to deal with pain and sadness. Working from the office has its advantages... I had a good hour or more driving time, and there were times when I would spend them crying as I drove home. Alone in my car, I could be me, and I could let my emotions flow. He sees every tear that falls, and gathers them into a bottle.
And He gathers your tears as well. When was the last time you had a good cry? When was the last time you shed a tear because of joy - or of sadness? Maybe it is about time. Let God comfort your heart.
"Tears are God's way of helping you to let the sadness out."
Blessings!
