I feel like I'm getting distracted

 moreso in the early mornings that I try to have my time alone with God.  I get started with reading one book, then don't want to put it down, and yet, there is this other book I want to read as well, and then there is my journaling, then there is skimming my emails, then checking my son's blog, then the bank balance, then finally making my way here - and ... well, good thing I write a lot of nonsense for I use up the majority of my time doing other things.  Mainly good things that I will refuse to give up, but still, the time flies by and my heart longs to be free of work again so that I can sit in here for all morning if I so chose.  But, alas, 7AM the work computer must come on and work begins.  I complain about that a lot, don't I?  I will apologize for that (I'm sorry), but that is about all my life is anymore.  Work, read, life with hubby, church, sleep, back to work.  It's a routine.  Do you feel that your life is a routine as well?  Oh mine does change periodically, but still, I long to be free to do other things.  

I think I do not think of the 'other things' because my heart would be so disappointed because I can't do them - for many reasons.  I won't go in to those.  But I long to be a part of something; to be involved; to have a life.  That used to be my favorite saying - "Get a life".  And now I wonder where my life has gone. Yesterday was another 'do nothing' pretty much day.  Oh, I did work, but it wasn't a busy day (and no, I still haven't typed the minutes from last week.  May do it today.)  It was quiet as all bosses were busy on their own stuff.  But it was boring as well.  I didn't do much while sitting here.  I used to grab my crochet and work on it in the down time, but didn't think of it yesterday.  Hubby was home so that may account for some of it.  

Never got my oil painting set up over the weekend like I planned.  Why? Because hubby wants to 'help' set up everything - and I know I will have to allow him to help.  He just doesn't understand I enjoy putting things together, and if he helps, I generally have to help him figure it out anymore.  But, I need to do something and get things the way I want them.  I know he will get mad at me, but while he is at breakfast this morning I want to move the one desk/table into this room and move things around a bit (if I'm caught up with work).  He always gets upset when I do things while he is gone.  Fine. I may not do it while he is at breakfast, but I will be alone tonight. You just watch him specifically tell me NOT to do something while he is with his study tonight.  I don't want fights, but I want to do it myself!!  Or I may just sit down and work on my diamond art project again.  Notice one that I ordered recently will be here possibly today. Won't start on it until I finish the one I'm working on.  I just don't have room to leave everything out that I enjoy working on.  Still working on the baby quilts.  

Nothing exciting going on today.  At least that I can think of.  Other than hubby will be gone for a couple hours this morning.  I will be working so that he can enjoy breakfasts out with his friends.  Rolling my eyes. LOL  Maybe I will get in touch with one of my friends and ask if she wants to do lunch today.  Haven't seen her since before Christmas.  She has a hearing problem so we rarely talk on the phone. And, neither of us text that much to each other anyway.  Maybe I will see if she is available.  We generally meet at Jack in the Box because restaurants are so expensive anymore.  $3.99 for coffee or soda is ridiculous!  Of course I can't have the bun, but I can ask them to leave the bun off.  Or get a salad. Will see.  I've lost a few pounds on this new eating plan; not enough for me, of course, and I have a long ways to go, but still, a pound is a pound.  Our trainer said she could tell in hubby's face that he had lost weight.  Sigh.  She didn't say anything about me.  But I think my tummy has shrunk at least an inch.  That is what I want.  Get rid of my tummy and my butt.  

Romans 8:38 (NLT):  And I am convinced that nothing can every separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.

So many things come against us and try to convince us that we are so bad, so sinful, that God could never love us.  But they are all wrong.  Nothing can separate us from God's love.  No matter what we do, no matter what we say, God loves us.  God loves YOU.  Do you realize how great His love is for you?  Think back over your life; do you not see His hand upon you?

I was reading this morning how God takes the hard things, the tough things, the painful things in our lives and can turn them for our good.  My daughter and I were talking about that last night.  God took my divorce and remarriage and brought us to Arizona.  Some grumble about the heat, but overall, we all love the warmth.  But, here in Arizona, my children found the love of their life.  We have beautiful grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.  If the bad stuff had not happened, we more than likely would not be here, they would not have met these spouses, and would not have had these wonderful grandchildren ... and great-grandchildren.  True, there may have been others in their place had we stayed where we were, but it gets cold there!!  

Thinking about the cold, I talked with my little brother some yesterday.  He got a day off of radiation because of it being a 'holiday'.  He still has had no side effects from the radiation or chemo, although he has been pretty tired.  I'm praying that the radiation and chemo he does receive works to combat the cancer in his lung.  I'm not ready to lose another sibling.  The pain of losing my older sister still hurts deeply and I miss her a lot.  Of my siblings, I am probably the one with the best health.  Then my older brother.  But my two younger ones have medical issues.  My little brother Stg 4 lung cancer and my little sister tells me she has stage 3 kidney disease.  That one confuses me.  She says she has had it for years.  But she doesn't take medication for it. She doesn't get any treatment for it.  In fact, she doesn't even talk about it and until she brought it up recently, I had forgotten about it - if she had even told me 'way back when' as she said she did.  And she could have.  I don't get it.  If you have a kidney disease, wouldn't you need some kind of treatment to combat it?  She takes nothing for it.  I looked it up and there is such a thing, but do you just leave it alone?  It makes no sense to me. If something is wrong, I want it fixed!   Anyway, grateful that God has thus far kept me healthy and strong.  I've surrendered my life, my body to Him.  He can do anything with it, He can allow anything with it - to happen as He wills.  As long as He gets all the glory, that is all that matters.

And with that - I'm going to hush and jump in the shower.  I seem to be off the wall rambling again. My thoughts fall out and over the edge.  My heart is longing for more, but more of what?  Where can I run and hide? Where can I step back and be quiet for as long as I want? When can I be me, and be free?  Only by the grace of God I live.  Only in Him am I free.

Blessings!

What does a tear do....

 I had another rough night last night and didn't sleep much.  My head is hurting again this morning and I'm exhausted.  But this time it is my own fault.  I let my hurt and feeling of rejection cause me to say words of frustration that I shouldn't have said.  Not going to go into it, and I have made amends, and I'm not going into detail.  Detail in this is not important.  It's just a case of I felt hurt and rejected and I said words that I should not have said.

Isn't that how we react sometimes?  Someone hurts us and we respond.  Not that we want to hurt them, but we want them to see our pain.  But, you know what, they usually don't.  It isn't that they don't care, they just don't understand the depth of what we are feeling.  And it comes out through our frustration, sometimes in anger, sometimes in words.  I wasn't angry, I was hurt and feeling rejected.  I was over it last night, but I kept replaying the words in my mind as I tried to sleep.  I know I wasn't rejected personally.  I know they have no clue how deeply I was hurt.  And they won't know.  Well, I did send a text this morning and told them I was hurt and felt rejected so that they would know why I reacted the way I did.  And I did apologize and asked for forgiveness.  They just will never know how hurt I was.  And that is The End of this conversation.  It isn't the first time I've been hurt, and it won't be the last, I'm sure.  But each one needs a line drawn and say, "Ok, it happened, I've gotten past it, it's over and done."

Today's devotional spoke about tears.  I'm so tired from two nights of not sleeping well, and the pain of this and some other things that have happened, my tears can easily fall this morning.  The devotional talked about loss, and how we sometimes need to let the tears fall.  It doesn't matter if it was yesterday, or if it was 10 years ago.  Or fifty years ago.  If we carry that pain, that hurt, still in our hearts at our loss, or at something we felt was hurt or rejection, it can still bring tears.

And that's ok.   I love these words that the author wrote.... "So today, if something triggers an old pain for you and you find yourself feeling a bit sad or lonely or blue, it's okay.  Don't beat yourself up because you're not "over it" yet.  You may never be.  But you will get through it.  God is your Strength and your Comforter, and He will keep walking with you, step by step and day by day.  And don't worry about those tears.  Tears are God's way of helping you let the sadness out.  That way it doesn't build up inside.  Don't be ashamed of your tears.  They're good for you, even if they started a long, long time ago.  Those tears are precious to God.  He's collecting every one of them in a bottle.  He is saving them for a Special Day - the day when you and He will be able to pour them out together in a place where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, and no more death.  That's the day you'll finally be Healed, the day you'll finally be Whole.  That's the day you'll finally be Home.  Then you can put that bottle on the shelf for good."

This is the sentence that spoke to me..... "Tears are God's way of helping you to let the sadness out."

I have held back tears for many years for many reasons.  And other times I cannot hold the tears back; they just flow unbidden.  I guess the hurt and sadness in my heart sometimes just can't hold back the flood anymore and they just fall, regardless where I am or what I'm doing.  Many times it is a book I'm reading that will trigger the tears (that happened this past week), other times it is a song that will tenderize my heart and for an unknown reason, the tears will fall.

What about you?  Are you like me, holding your tears back all the time?  It isn't that we worry so much about the tears falling and people will see us; I think it is more we want to be alone in our sorrow, our grief.  At least it is that way for me a lot of times.  There are situations where the tears - whether of joy or sorrow, will overflow and I have no explanation for them.  I'm out of control on the inside, and the tears are flowing on the outside.

I watch a love movie on TV and I will fight the tears because we all long to be loved and treated like that.  I read a good book that will help me in my walk with God, and something will be written that will trigger thoughts of my own inadequacy and failures in life, and the tears will fall unbidden.  I can go to a funeral of a friend, and cry my eyes out because of their grief and sorrow.  But when it is my own family, I have managed to keep my tears in check.  Why is that?  When I conducted my older sister's funeral recently I choked up before I got the first words out.... but managed to get it 'under control' and continue.  Yet, when I am alone and think about my family and those who are already gone, the hurt and pain inside of me because of my loss will grieve me, but the tears don't always come.  

Perhaps it is because I don't want to be sad; I miss them, I love them, but I don't want to spend my life grieving at my loss.  There are times that my pain is great.  I remember after hubby's father died and he had been my best friend in the start of this marriage, helping me through some very rough times... a few months later I found something in the closet I was cleaning out that I had bought for him..... and I lost it.  I was home alone so I could let my emotions have full rein.  I screamed at God for taking away my friend and father in law.  I threw things and screamed.  And I cried at my loss.  I felt so alone and without hope of surviving life.

And what did God do as I screamed at Him?  He listened to my heart.  Didn't matter what words I used.  He heard my heart, he saw my pain.... and He loved me.  He wrapped His arms around my heart and loved on me until I was able to stop crying.  All the years of pent up pain and loss; all the times I felt unwanted and unloved, rejected, God held me while I cried those out.  Then I calmly picked the things up and put them away.  Exhausted and worn, but knowing I was loved and comforted.

I could use some of that now... but will continue to hold it in for awhile.  I need to find some alone time where God and I can really talk.  It's hard with working from home; even here in my room during my quiet time, I don't want to deal with pain and sadness.  Working from the office has its advantages... I had a good hour or more driving time, and there were times when I would spend them crying as I drove home.  Alone in my car, I could be me, and I could let my emotions flow.  He sees every tear that falls, and gathers them into a bottle.

And He gathers your tears as well.  When was the last time you had a good cry?  When was the last time you shed a tear because of joy - or of sadness?  Maybe it is about time.  Let God comfort your heart.

"Tears are God's way of helping you to let the sadness out."

Blessings!